Tracking a property title...
 =====================
 A New Orleans lawyer we know sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told
 the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of
 property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to
 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.  After sending the
 information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

 "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note
 that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment
 the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application,
 we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral
 proper back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary
 to clear the title back to its origin."

 Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

 Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that
 you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present
 application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly
 those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased
 by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
 For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior
 to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right
 of Conquest from Spain.

 The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year
 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the
 privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella.
 Good queen Isabella, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as
 much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope
 before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition.

 Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son
 of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I
 believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called
 Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope to hell you find
 His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

 THEY GOT IT.

===========================================================

  Actual Label Instructions on consumer goods:
  =======================================
  On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
  (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

  On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
  Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)

  On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
  (and that would be how?)

  On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
  (But it's "just" a suggestion!)

  On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.
  (really?)

  On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn
  upside down. (Too late! You lose!)

  On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
  (Are you sure?? Let's experiment.)

  On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
  (But wouldn't that save more time?)

  On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
  (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction incidents if we
  just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

  On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
  (One would hope!)
 

  On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
  (As opposed to use in outer space?!)

  On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
  (Now I'm curious.)

  On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
  (but no peas?)

  On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
  (have a lobotomy)

  On a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
  genitals. (What is this, a home castration kit?!)

  On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you
  to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

 ==============================================================

 US Navy
 ========
 This is the transcipt of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with
 Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

 *** Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations  10-10-95:***

 Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid  a collision."

 Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

 Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship.   I say again, divert YOUR course."

 Canadians: "No.  I say again, you divert YOUR course."

 Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP
 IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY 3 DESTROYERS,
 3 CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS  SUPPORT VESSELS.  I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE
 YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH,
 OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE
 THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

 Canadians: "This is a LIGHTHOUSE.  Your call."

 ==========================================================================

 THE FOLLOWING IS A PARTIAL LIST OF ACTUAL WRITTEN EXCUSES GIVEN TO
 TEACHERS IN THE ALBURQUERQUE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM BY PARENTS OF
 STUDENTS:

 Dear School:

 1. Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29,  30, 31, 32, and also 33.

 2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

 3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.

 4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

 5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

 6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.

 7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.

 8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.

 9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.

 10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.

 11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.

 12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

 13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach.
       Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the
       flu going around, her father even got hot last night.

 14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.

 15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.

 16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.

 17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

 18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.

 19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah (*crossed out*),  diahoah
      (*crossed out*),  dyah (*crossed out*),  the shits.

 ==============================================================================

 Question: Why do things appear darker when they're wet?
 ==============================================
 Answer:
 Grab a white shirt, dip it in water, and voila, it turns gray right
 before your very eyes. If we hadn't all seen it much too often it
 would make for an impressive magic trick.  Since we have, it's
 an excellent trivia question.

 What causes this optical transformation is simple science.
 When fabric gets wet, light coming towards it refracts within the
 water, dispersing the light. In addition, the surface of the water
 causes incoherent light scattering. The combination of these two
 effects causes less light to reflect to your eyes and makes the wet
 fabric appear darker.
 
 

 Question: Why doesn't drinking water cool your mouth after eating spicy food?
 ==============================================================
 Answer:
 The spices in most of the hot foods that we eat are oily, and, like your
 elementary school science teacher taught you, oil and water don't mix.
 In this case, the water just rolls over the oily spices.

 So what can you do to calm your aching tongue? Try one of these three
 methods. Eat bread. The bread will absorb the oily spices. A second
 solution is to drink milk. Milk contains a substance called "casein"
 which will bind to the  spices and carry them away. Finally, you could
 drink something alcoholic. Alcohol will dissolve the oily spices.
 
 

 Question:  They weren't invented in France, so why does everybody call
 them "French fries?"
  =========================================================
 Answer:
 It's true, the French fry wasn't invented in France.  (Its origin is probably Belgian.)
 But the "French" in French fries doesn't refer to its country of origin.  It refers to
 the way in which this side dish is prepared.

 Food that is cut into strips is said to be "Frenched."  Since French fries are
 strips of potato that have been fried, they became known as French fried
 potatoes, or "French fries."
 
 

 Question: How do astronauts go to the bathroom?
 =======================================
 Answer:
 Thanks to gravity, we here on earth take going to the  bathroom for granted,
 but using the toilet in space isn't nearly as easy. For a long time, says NASA,
 astronauts actually taped a plastic bag to their backsides to collect feces and
 used a hose-and-bag device to urinate.

 Then, in the early 70s, NASA improved bathroom technology with its vacuum toilet.
 To defecate, astronauts now sit on this toilet and turn the vacuum on. Urination is
 donethrough what looks like your vacuum cleaner's hose attachment. Using this
 toilet is a bit tricky, so part of the preparation for space travel includes potty training,
 but it sure beats the old bag system.
 

 Question: Why is it called a "hamburger" if it doesn't contain ham?
 ====================================================
 Answer:
 At first glance, it seems that the word "hamburger" is a  combination of the words
 "ham" and "burger." Therefore, one naturally assumes that a hamburger is a burger
 that contains ham.

 But the word "hamburger" actually traces its roots back to Hamburg Germany, where
 people used to eat a similar food called the "Hamburg steak." Eventually, the Hamburg
 steak made its way to the United States, where people shortened its name to "hamburger."
 

 Question: Were hot dogs ever made of dogs?
 ===================================
 Answer:
 Nah. But when they were first introduced, people wouldn't touch hot dogs for fear that
 they were made of dogs... (More in the next question.)
 
 

 Question: How'd the hot dog get its strange name?
 ========================================
 Answer:
 The hot dog was originally called "frankfurter" after Frankfurt, Germany, its birthplace.
 But from the beginning people called it "dachshund sausage," because it looked like the
 long, thin dog.

 In the US, the German sausage was especially popular with New York baseball fans, who
 bought the newfangled sandwich from vendors who sold them by yelling, "Get your dachshund
 sausages while they're red hot."

 Ted Dorgan, a leading cartoonist, thought these vendors were so comical, that he decided to
 lampoon them. In his cartoon, they were shown selling REAL dachshund dogs in a roll, yelling
 "Get your hot dogs!" at each other. The name stuck, and the rest is history.

 =========================================================================

  WHY AMERICANS SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO TRAVEL.
  ======================================================

  Actual stories provided by travel agents:-

                                        Part I
                                        =====

  I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get
  messed up by being near the window.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.  I started
  to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then
  she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid,
  but Capetown is in Massachusetts."  Without trying to make her look
  like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts,
  Capetown is in Africa. " Her response ... click.
  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.  I asked what
  was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.  He said he was expecting
  an ocean-view room.  I tried to explain that is not possible, since
  Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied,  "Don't lie to me.
  I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state."
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from
  Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map!"
 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.When I
  pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas.
  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas
  was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that
  her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.
  I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she
  could not understand the concept of time zones.  Finally, I told her the
  plane went very fast, and she bought that!
 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your luggage belongs to
  who?" I said,"No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked
  in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm
  overweight, is there any connection?"  After putting her on hold for a
  minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and
  explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just
  putting a destination tag on her luggage.
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

                                                 Part II
                                                  =====

  A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over
  all the cost info, she asked, "Would it  be cheaper to fly to California and
  then take the train to Hawaii?"
 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane
  to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told
  my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them?!"
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer
  planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said,
  "Yeah, whatever."
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in
  order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him
  he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to
  have one of those."  I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
  When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time
  they have accepted my American Express."
 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus,
  New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent replied: "Are you sure
  that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.
  After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up
  every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."
  The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly.  Everyone knows where it is. Check your
  map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You
  don't mean Buffalo, do you?" , "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

 ==================================================================

 Zimbabwe Y2K
 ==============
 Extracted from a note from the Zimbabwe GTA (Government Telecomm-
 unication Agency) Y2K Project Manager to the GTA IT Directory.

 I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be
 honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me.
 At any rate I have finished converting all the 'y's" to "K's" for all
 the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is
 ready to go with the following new months:
 Januark
 Februark
 Mak
 Julk

 I'm sure you'll be pleased that the project has been completed well in
 advance of the target completion date. Yes, in Zimbabwe we are now
 100% Y2K compliant.

  Regards

  Joseph Kazimba
  Project Manager
  The Zimbabwe YtoK Branch Team

 ========================================================