TPWFLD - The Rosenberg Diaries - Edited Version, By Sapphire

Disclaimer: The characters from BtVS belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Productions. They aren't mine, nor am I claiming them. I am just having my way with them for a bit ;)

The Rosenberg Diaries
By: Sapphire

::Begin Report::

I am writing this as a record for historical, as well as personal purposes. Giles asked me to keep a record of our experiences for the Watcher society, seeing as we have similar interests, and I have no objection to it. The writing helps me think more clearly, and allows me an outlet for the demons that plague me now. The memories of friends lost as well as the demon inside me are constant reminders that life never turns out how one plans it.

Who would have guessed me here writing a record of eternity? A book that could possibly never end. I once saw a movie as a child called 'The Never Ending Story'. My life feels like that now, never ending. The bloodlust, the hunger, always there, always something to battle. Angel has helped me immensely, and having him with me has made this existence bearable. It is not as bad as I make it sound, but the grief I feel at the loss of those I loved as a mortal is a weight that I carry every day. One that I fear will never go away, even if it does lessen over time.

I have decided that the best place to start is the beginning, at the single most painful and tragic day of my life. It was not the day that I became a demon, as you might expect. It would be far too selfish of me to consider that to be the worst. No, it was the day that Buffy, Xander, Oz and Cordelia all died.

The afternoon had been a rough one. I had been asked to teach the make-up summer course in computer science due to the lack of a suitable replacement for Miss Calendar. The unfortunate summer school students of Sunnydale High were anxious to be free like the rest of their fellow students. I had a rough time wrapping up my last computer class because of everyone's enthusiasm. The actual teaching was over, but the administrative work involved still had to get done. I loved teaching, and I look back on it as a fond memory. Something I would have liked to have done before the change. Now, of course, that isn't possible, unless I teach night school. ::enthusiastic grin::
::personal note::
I still have some of my former sense of humor left, it seems. That never fails to surprise me after everything that has happened. Angel wondered what I was laughing to myself about, so he peeked over my shoulder as I wrote. He at least thought it was funny too. I feel better now, but I digress.

::end personal note::
Anyway, we had all planned on going to the Bronze for the Willow-is-free-at-last kick-off bash. We, being Buffy, Xander, Cordy, and Oz.

::author's note::
As Giles has recorded the eventual return of Buffy to Sunnydale following the Snyder incident, I will not go into detail about that here. See Rupert Giles' Watcher Diary for that account.

Angel, whom Buffy had stabbed with the Knight's sword to close the vortex that Acathla had opened when she awakened, was ejected from the depths of hell shortly after Buffy left Sunnydale. The explanation being that a penitent soul cannot be kept in hell. He had shown up looking worse for the wear. Angel kept to himself and did not associate

with the rest of the gang after his return, primarily because he felt guilty about the things that Angelus had done after the curse had been broken. The only person that Angel felt comfortable around was me. He could see Jenny Calendar in Giles' eyes whenever he saw him, and as always Xander was not on board the Angel bandwagon. We became friends during this time. I helped him get through the guilt of what Angelus had done, and we both helped each other with the fact that Buffy was gone. I kept this friendship from everyone, including Oz, my boyfriend at the time. In fact, Angel even helped me with that relationship, seeing as he was a male, and could look at things from a point of view that only a male can. <g> Nothing changed after Buffy's return. Angel was afraid to chance losing his soul again, even though the restoration spell that I cast for him was not a curse, like the gypsies had performed. My spell was simply a restoration ritual that called the soul from the ether to be placed into the vessel of my choice. There were no conditions placed on it. This I learned through research in the magick, which I have become quite versed in since. I discovered how to make it so that nothing could ever take away his soul again. All of this is of note because it is this friendship and that knowledge of magick that saved me from a life as a heartless killer.

::end note::
Getting back to that night, I had to close up the computer lab, so I was staying late at school to do so. The plan was to meet the others at the Bronze, a local dance club. I ended up staying later than planned. It was dark by the time I was ready to leave, and as I walked out of the school, Angel came out of the bushes. He offered to walk me to the Bronze, and I took him up on it, considering the baddies that always threatened Sunnydale at night. It was on the way to the Bronze that we saw the accident. I screamed when I recognized Oz's van, or what was left of it, and ran as fast as I could to the scene. You see, I also knew that Cordy's car was in the shop, and that Oz was going to pick up she and Xander, along with Buffy, and get something to eat before Bronzing. Fear gripped my heart as I stared at the flattened van. We faced danger everyday in the hellmouth, too much danger for any of us to consider such normal deaths. I could the see the skid marks and the tracks of what appeared to be a semi that hadn't even stopped after the accident. Angel ripped into the side of the van to find survivors. I held back out of fear for the worst, and the sound that I heard come from Angel's soul confirmed my worst fears. I collapsed to the ground, my soul in as much torment as his was. Somehow, I heard sirens blaring in the distance.

My memories after that are fuzzy and tainted with the grief I felt. Despite the hole ripped in the van by Angel, it took two hours to get their bodies out of the van reasonably intact. The police had me identify the bodies, a task I did numbly. It is a sight that will never leave me as long as I live. They were barely recognizable as themselves, but I knew them so well that I didn't hesitate. I bent down to Buffy's body, removing the silver cross from her neck, and the claddaugh ring from her finger when the officer wasn't looking. I thought Angel might like them. He had disappeared when the authorities descended, I imagined in blind grief from the death of his love. Of all the evil and horrid things that we faced living on the Hellmouth, it was ironic that the thing that finally killed Buffy, the vampire slayer, was a drunk driver who fled the scene of the accident. He was found dead shortly after, drained of all blood while parked at a truck stop just outside of town.

I had no doubts in my mind as to who had done it, even though Angel and I have never spoken of it. He knows I know, and nothing else need be said.

The horror of losing your four closest friends is something I would not wish on my most mortal enemy. I was too calm in my grief. I locked myself in my room, and my parents were at a loss as to how to help me. Giles, battling his own grief, tried to help them, coming over and talking to me through my closed door. I am still amazed at my parents' inability to question why my high school librarian would be camped outside my bedroom door. Perhaps they were so desperate that they were willing to do anything to get through to me. The thing that almost destroyed me was the guilt I felt for surviving. Had I not needed to stay late at school, I would have been in the van as well. Why had I survived while they all died? Buffy was the chosen one, the one with the strength to slay vampires, not I. Xander was the one who had a joke for every moment, who made everyone laugh. Oz was the talented guitar player, and a werewolf, even. Cordy was the most beautiful girl I knew. It didn't seem fair that plain old Willow would be the one who was spared by some cosmic fate.

I was, at one point, contemplating ending it all, when I heard a knock on my window late one night. I had not seen Angel since that night, and from the look of him, he had not borne his grief well. I invited him in without a moment's hesitation. I closed the double door behind him and turned around to face him. I knew the picture I must have presented, and he must have known what he looked like as well. Through out all of it, I had not shed one tear. I was an automaton, walking through life without experiencing it. I had kept my grief locked inside of myself, wallowing in it night and day. While standing there looking at the mirror of my own despair, I snapped. The breakdown was complete, with Angel taking me in his arms and rocking me, crying with me, for hours. I later discovered that Giles, desperately afraid of what I might do to myself, had found him. He stayed with me for days, while I cried myself dry. We were both spent by the time it was over.

We talked a lot about Buffy, and Angel told me that his greatest source of pain was that he hadn't said goodbye. He had been too afraid to see her or talk to her, so he had just stayed away. I told him how much Buffy loved him, even after Angelus returned, and that the pain of sending him to hell was almost too much for her to bear. He seemed guilty over the fact that he hadn't trusted himself to see her again, and I explained that Buffy had understood, and felt the same way. She had beaten herself up over that night they had shared since it happened, and I told him that she had never forgiven herself for pushing him into a physical relationship. He found it darkly humorous when I told him that. In his mind, *he* had been the one who gave into his desires and seduced her. Isn't it strange how two people see the same event so differently? Talking about it with me, her best friend, helped him begin to let go. That looks so callous when I type the words, but for someone who could easily live forever, I really felt that the best thing for him to do was to make peace with her memory and continue on. It was this realization that helped me as well. We also talked about my feelings for Oz, and Xander. While my relationship with Oz had not yet become what I would term as serious, I still felt like I had lost a part of myself. And with Xander's death came the death of my youth. Every memory I have of my childhood involved Alexander Harris. He was literally a part of me at a fundamental level. It was hard letting go of him, especially.

Angel was the only one I could talk to about everything. My parents didn't understand the bond that had formed

between all of us as a result of the danger we constantly faced. It amazed me how quickly Angel and I began to open up to each other after our cry-fest. I was always a little nervous around Angel when he and Buffy were an item. Angel is a very intense person, and when he talks to you, you become his focus. His eyes are penetrating, digging down to the depths of a person's soul. This is what made me squirm around him. I had too many embarrassing thoughts and secrets that were best left to myself, and I always felt that I was laid out like a book when he focused on me. The attention was unnerving. I find it humorous that what once made me so uncomfortable around him is what I found most comforting during that hard time, and even now.

During that time we formed a bond that would only strengthen from there. Our deep friendship was what pulled me through the hell I was living. We shared an abiding affection, and a spiritual connection that was beyond any I had experienced. My mind never entertained any ideas of anything more than friendship with him at this point, although I suspect that Giles feared it. I was still attached to Oz in my heart, and he to Buffy. We were both too raw and vulnerable to have entered into anything more.

Life slowly began to resemble some sort of normal, and school was starting again before I knew it. The halls of Sunnydale were lonely without the four of them, and the library that was once my comfort zone was nothing more than a painful reminder of what had once been. Giles understood why I stayed away, I know, and he did venture out on occasion to check on my well-being. I was surprised he stayed after his slayer's death. I knew that he and Angel were still hunting vampires, and that Giles was trying to locate the next slayer to get her to the Hellmouth. He was not having much success. None of the potential chosen ones had come to power after Buffy's death, and with Kendra's death before her there was no slayer. Giles suspected that the girl was unaware of her destiny, much like Buffy had been at the start, and was worried about her well-being and her training. I believe he threw himself into the search as a way to work through the guilt and loss he himself felt over their deaths. I could not help Giles through his guilt and pain. Mine was too fresh, despite the comfort I found in Angel. I simply didn't know how to relate to Giles. Angel was more of an equal, whereas Giles was older, someone who had always offered comfort to us. Most of all, I felt the anger that he felt, and I understood it.

Of all the things that he prepared Buffy to face, I know that it was a great source of frustration for Giles to lose her in such an ordinary way. One would think a great hero would deserve to die with more pomp and circumstance, I guess. I add this because I feel that it is a good companion to Giles' own diaries, to offer an observer's viewpoint to his own about this time. It perhaps could be of comfort to a future watcher who feels pain after losing a slayer to know that he is not alone in these feelings. Perhaps I write it to help lessen the guilt I feel over my inability to reach out to him.

Angel became a regular fixture in my room, usually arriving soon after sundown. Amazingly, my parents left me to myself. They were gone on business more and more often, so that I felt like I was living alone. Angel's presence was comforting. I felt safe with him around. Our friendship grew to a level that I would say was equal to the friendship I had with Xander, only with Angel, I could be more open about my feelings, and Angel was more intuitive about me. Perhaps it is the maturity through which he saw things that made me so comfortable with him. Essentially, Angel was my world that year. I socialized with no one at school, feeling too vulnerable, and frightened that mortal friends would just die like the others. Angel, he was my friend that would not die. At least that is what I told myself. I never really considered his end of it, that everyday he lived in fear that I, being mortal, would die like Buffy and the others as well. It was only a matter of time. If I had considered his feelings about that before, I would not have been surprised by the decision he made later that would change my life forever.

It happened one night right before graduation. I had stayed late that night in the library working on my Valedictorian speech for the ceremony. I was having trouble with it until Angel suggested that I make my speech somewhat a memorial to my lost friends who would not be there with me. I was glad that graduation took place at night, so at least he could be there with me. That was the only reason I was even going, truth be told. I saw no happiness in the moment, nor really any true hope in the future, My focus became the fact that everyone I knew was one heartbeat away from death. I had become an expert on the subject of death. I read all of the books I could get my hands on, read all the near-death experience accounts that I could. My justification was that it gave me comfort knowing where my friends were. Looking back, I would hesitantly say that perhaps the four of them were looking over me that night. For while what happened to me was the thing I most feared, it has ultimately turned into the most wonderful thing for me, and Angel as well.

I don't regret what happened one bit, nor do I look on it with questions about what might have been. I am also glad that Angel acted selfishly that night, and not as I might have wanted him to at the time. It is strange how time and experience changes one's perceptions on things; how something you would have once reviled and loathed could turn into your salvation, as well as someone else's. Getting back to the events of that night, I would have to say that this was the most important night of my life. Everything changed from that point on, and my life would not, or could ever, be the same again. It was ironic that just as I began to feel comfortable in the Sunnydale library again that that was when they happened to be on the prowl for some of Giles prophecy books. By the time I heard them, it was too late, and I knew that Angel would not be here for another half hour.

It has occurred to me often since that night that Drucilla knew exactly who was in that library when she came. That there *was* no book, as she told Spike. I still feel that her actions that night were out of pure malice against Angel, and the fact that he cared for me. Call it retribution for him daring to consort with a mortal. I heard her whisper in my ear "Say hello to your friends, pet" as she sunk her teeth into my neck. I remember an eerie calm falling over me as I felt my life's blood being drained from my body. My only thoughts were of Angel and his grief, not of my own death. Looking back I realize it was then that I knew how much we relied on each other. That life meant nothing without the other. I hoped he would forgive me for leaving. I was not conscious enough to remember Angel's entrance, but I do remember feeling his presence. Angel has told me that they fled when he came bursting in, knowing what he would do to them if they had stayed. I do remember the feeling of being held in his arms, and what felt like tears on my neck as he held me.

This next section is a combination of what Angel has told me and my own experiences and sensations of the decision that Angel made in a split-second moment of blind grief and panic of being alone. I remember tasting something at my lips, and suckling out of automatic response, with no real idea as to what I was actually doing.

And then I was floating in an abyss, hovering between the living and the dead, and I was not alone. They were there with me. Xander told me that I would not be there long, and that we should enjoy the time that we would have together. I was confused, wondering how I could come back to life after losing the blood that I did. I could tell they knew something I didn't. I hugged them all, afraid to let go. I hardly believed that this was actually happening, at least at the moment. Then Buffy looked at me, and said something very strange to me. All she said was, "Willow, I just want you to know that we all approve." My confusion was evident, but as I looked at Oz, who was smiling and holding my hand, I realized that I didn't have to know what they were all approving of, at least not yet. It was then I realized that they were not actually speaking at all, I was hearing their thoughts in my mind. Like a tidal wave, I heard how they were happy were they were, that they had been sad to see how I'd lived my life the last year, and that it had to stop. Buffy was glad that I'd been there for Angel, if not so much for Giles, but I knew that somehow I would have the chance to change that. I knew that Oz loved me, and he wanted me to go on. Xander and Cordy, well they still seemed to be together in eternity, but I knew that to Xander, I would always be his best friend. It was during this 'power bonding' moment that I felt the pull. The others knew it

too, for I was pulled close in fierce group hug. I wondered why they were acting so strangely, considering I would really die someday, and would be back eventually. A lifetime wouldn't seem that long to them. Buffy must have heard my thoughts, for she just looked at me with an extreme sadness in her eyes, as did the others. ::What?:: I thought in panic, ::am I going to hell next time??:: Xander just shook his head, and I heard him say "If everything goes the way it's supposed to, you may never see us again. Good-bye Willow, we all love you. Remember that."

And then I was pulled away. I woke up dazed, my eyes opening slowly as the physical pain began to seep through my consciousness. I opened my eyes to see Giles and Angel standing over me. In my state of confusion, I blindly asked where Buffy and the others went, causing a flash of pain in both of their eyes. Angel just whispered my name, and brushed the hair out of my eyes with such tenderness that it brought tears to my eyes. The agony I saw in those eyes when I met them with mine was almost unbearable to look at. I began to realize that a hunger I did not recognize was gnawing at me, one that made me feel disturbed. I looked at Angel questioningly, and he hung his head in what looked like shame. Giles asked me if I was alright, and I nodded, not quite sure of what to tell them. It was at this moment that I realized what Angel had done, for it was at that moment that I realized that, given to baser instincts, I would have liked nothing more than to sink my teeth into Giles neck and suck him dry.

This next account comes directly from what Giles and Angel told me. Angel had gotten to the library in time to interrupt Dru and the gang, but not to prevent my death. I had lost too much blood for that, and Angel knew it. He told me that the panic that gripped his heart at losing his last true friend in the world was almost too much to bear, and as he held my near-lifeless body in his arms, he had considered putting a stake through his own heart, if the demon in him would let him. He realized that I wasn't dead yet, and that the only way I could live was to drink his life's blood. The thought of making me a vampire was immediately rejected, he told me, until he remembered the spell book I had hidden under my mattress, giving the instructions to the restoration spell. When that thought came to him, he did not hesitate, he told me, out of pain and fear of being alone. He had not considered what I might have wanted, that I might have wanted to die before becoming even a vampire with a soul. Given the choice at that moment, I know that I would have chosen death. Now, however, I see with different sight and wisdom, and I am glad for what Angel did, even if he did it for himself at the time.

Angel had carried me to Giles' apartment, telling him that I had been vamped. He left out the important detail on purpose, I am sure that he feared Giles' wrath. He begged Giles to help him perform the restoration ritual. After much debate, I am told, Giles agreed, with the stipulation being that if it failed, they would stake me before I fed. I have never felt more gratitude to Giles for anything, knowing that he would have done that, knowing my worst nightmare, other than frogs, that is. <g> Knowing that I would not come to for awhile, Angel ran and got my notes from my bedroom. It didn't take them long to do the ritual itself, as I had documented everything very carefully.

This is where I came in, confused, but very much me, with a little demon thrown in. While I understand some of what Angel goes through, the bloodlust he has, I do not understand the feelings of guilt and remorse that he feels about the deaths he has caused. I have never killed a human being. I am even more of an oddity than Angel, a virgin vampire, a Madonna of sorts, the epitome of evil innocence. I do however experience pangs of guilt for what the demon in me *wants* to do, that I keep it from doing. It is very hard to separate yourself from the demon at times, I have learned. It is easy to blame yourself for the demon's nature. In that, Angel and I are similar.

The one thing that hurt me in all this was having to lie to my parents. As far as they knew, I ran off and got married to some boy that they didn't know. I called them regularly to tell them I was okay, but never told them where I was, nor saw them again. I couldn't bear it, the thought of fighting my inner urges to destroy them. In a way, it isn't really a lie. At least, not in the long run.

Right after I changed, Angel isolated me from the world. He said this was to give me time to adjust, and for him to help me with the cravings and the psychological aspect as well. We stayed in Sunnydale, taking over the old mansion that he, Dru, and Spike had been staying in before. It had been something out of a Boris Karloff movie, but I managed to turn it into a home, with Angel's help. He seemed to delight in bringing me new things to decorate with. Restoring the house gave me something to do. I also amassed an enormous library, with Angel's help, and he set up the place with the best thing of all: a T-1 internet connection with every computer gadget I could ever hope to have. I didn't think about where he got all of this stuff at this point, I was just overwhelmed. The house became my dream home, and I didn't need to leave. The garden became a nighttime wonderland, with fountains with lights, statues, and night-blooming flowers that glowed by moonlight. I found exquisite beauty in the night now, things I had never noticed before, like how the moonlight had that magnificent odor that made me feel so alive. And how the stars shown so brightly as to be almost blinding at times. I could almost hear them 'singing' their songs in the night sky. The night teemed with life, and I found no more fear in it.

The hard part was adjusting to my new cravings. I needed blood to survive, and while at first the thought of it wasn't too appealing, I soon realized that the exquisite taste of it overrode the yuck-factor in my mind. I don't expect any mortal reading this to ever understand that statement, but it is the truth. The adrenalin rush I get is beyond description. I can only imagine what a normal vampire feels when they kill for it and it is fresh. It is actually something I do not want to imagine too much. For me, it is almost a sexual rush, and I would say that is true for Angel as well. I won't go into why and how that theory is something I know to be fact just yet, however. Angel took care of the cooking, so to speak, and I was ever the 'net girl. I know that he was in contact with Giles, for he often asked me to look up things for him. It was a confusing, yet interesting time of my life. The newness of vampirism and learning about myself and my capabilities took up most of my energies. I also learned about my liabilities, sometimes the hard way. And during this time, Angel and I became closer and closer.

I can't exactly say when it was that I realized that I was in love with Angel. One day he was my dear friend, my confidant, my companion, and the next he was everything to me. I hid my feelings for some time, afraid that Angel would think me betraying Buffy's memory by loving him as I did. I never imagined the truth. That he had loved me since before my change, and that was the true reason he had done what he did. Simply put, he loved me too much to let me go. He told me once that if Buffy had not turned out to be someone he had loved very much, it probably would have happened sooner between us. I don't know if that is really what would have happened or not. He tells me that he always had a fondness for me, that I had an innocence that drew him to me, even while he was with Buffy. He is always expounding my generosity and my ability to love others unconditionally.

He marveled at my acceptance of his decision. He had expected me to grab the nearest stake for having turned me, but, even with the demon inside of me, I don't feel like an evil being. I am glad that I'm alive. I experience joy in life, and love. It isn't quite the same for Angel. He does love, but the guilt over Angelus haunts him everyday. Nothing I say to him exonerates himself from his guilt. He lives every day with the thought that he does not deserve happiness or forgiveness, that his sins are too vast for it. And every day, I try to show him that he does.

I suppose that I should explain more about how Angel and I realized our true feelings for one another, as I have intimated it already in my writings. One evening, I lost track of time while reading in the garden, and I fell asleep on a lounge at the far end of the garden. As sunrise approached, Angel returned, and unable to find me, became frantic. He found me minutes before sunrise, scooping me up and racing into the house just in time. This is the only time I have ever feared him since the change. He was livid. He dropped me on the floor, and began screaming about my carelessness, turning into full game face during his rant. I just stared at him, shocked by his passionate anger. My silence angered him further, and he picked me up off of the floor by my shoulders, holding me up in the air against him, shaking me as he raved on about how close I had come to burning in the sunlight. I began to cry, partly out of fear of him, and partly out of realization that he was right. When he saw my tears, his demeanor changed immediately. His face softened to the Angel I loved, and he crushed me against him, placing soft kisses on the top of my head, comforting me, and, I believe, himself. I finally calmed down enough to croak out an apology as I clung to him, and he brought my face up to his. I remember exactly what he said to me, every syllable and its intonation.

"I could never live without you, Willow. I love you too much to ever survive without you. You're *everything* to me."

At first his admission brought me shame, for I thought of Buffy when he said it. Then I remembered Buffy's last words to me: 'We approve'. There was no need for remorse. She wanted us both to be happy, and so did Oz. I would be betraying them if I didn't follow my heart. So after a moment of staring into his tortured eyes, I smiled as big as a thousand suns (his description), and told him that I loved him. What I saw in those eyes in return was worth a million brushes with death. I knew that he did not feel worthy of my love, but he did not refuse it. He greedily accepted it, absorbed all I could give him, and returned in kind. So began our life together.

After Angel and I became involved, we started venturing out together, and he finally took me to see Giles for the first time since they had performed the restoration ritual on me. It felt good to see him after all that time. Seeing him was no longer the painful reminder it once had been, although I could still see the haunted look in his eyes. The first thing he did was pull me into a fierce hug, telling me how much he had missed me. He had understood that I needed time to be alone to adjust to my new life, but he was happy to have me back. He kept saying that there was something so much different about me, that I seemed so confident now. The change he saw was drastic, not in my appearance, but in my whole demeanor. I took that as a compliment, knowing that I had never been the most confident one, and I had always lacked self-esteem down deep inside. It is beyond bizarre that I would gain it now as a vampire. I did not have the self-loathing that Angel battled against constantly. Seeing Giles again gave me part of myself back. The girl who, despite the danger, threw herself into the fray to save the world alongside her friends without a second thought. I had essentially hid out for the last three years, and it was time to stop. I decided then that Angel and I would help Giles. He was desperately looking for the chosen one, and he needed help with that as well as with his spirit. Despite Angel's hunting, Sunnydale had become an open playground for vampires during the three years since Buffy's death. Angel and I decided that we would begin hunting together, and that he would teach me how to be a skillful predator. I thought that perhaps in the course of keeping the world safe, I could find a way to help Giles get over his pain.

Angel and I became quite proficient at the helpless-girl-bait-and- tackle routine. It still astounds me that these stupid vampires can't sense that I am one of them. They just see a poor, defenseless morsel out alone at night, and the urge to feed overrides any of their instincts. My favorite is to sit in the park and cry. It lures one in every time. Angel, ever the lurker, wastes no time staking them in the back when they grab me. On occasion we play the part of hunting vampires, and have been successful with that as well. The Bronze is still the best place to find them in the evening trolling for their meals. Strangely, people that I had went to school with all of my life never recognized me. I realize now just how different I act and look, despite my continued youth.

I still insist on going by the cemetery every night. It allows me to keep fresh flowers on their graves, and we can stop the new vampires as they rise. Someday, I have decided that I will buy them new headstones that say things more appropriate for the people they were. The plain ones they have now do not satisfy me. I would, of course, have to wait until their families are gone to do this. Buffy deserves one that proudly declares her as the heroine she was. I would never come right out and put 'vampire slayer extraordinaire', but I have years to come up with something I like. The same goes with the others. They all deserve something more, and they will have it someday. If even one person passes by and stops to read about them, then it will be worth it.

The search for the slayer was not going well. Frustration was evident as Giles looked for possible leads throughout the Watcher network. While Giles took that approach, I decided to take another. I started doing searches on the net about dreams. I read research studies, hacked into medical and psychological records, trying to find a young girl that fit the description of a slayer-in-waiting. I remembered Buffy telling me that she when she began having her dreams as a kid, her parents had taken her to a psychologist to try and find the reason behind them. I figured that the slayer would be experiencing the same dreams. It might have been a long shot, but it was better than nothing. I was to the point where I was about to give up on that idea when I found her. And, I'll be darned if she hadn't been sitting in Sunnydale the entire time.

She fit the profile, a 15 year-old having nightmares about demons, vampires, and other freakish stuff. She was always fighting against them in her dreams, and she also described things and people in her dreams that reminded me of us. She documented dreaming about a vampire who roamed the earth, unable to kill for blood because of the soul that haunted him. The girl she described seeing in her dreams was the picture of Buffy, and the death that she saw for her rang true as well. I knew that Buffy dreamt of things that would happen, but I also knew that she dreamt about past slayers, at least in the beginning before she knew she was the chosen one. The girl's parents had taken her to a sleep disorder clinic in Los Angeles when their daughter was terrified of sleeping at night because of the dreams. And even more amazing was the fact that the her father had just been transferred to Sunnydale, California. Once again, the slayer was pulled to the Hellmouth to meet her destiny.

We decided that I would approach the girl, in hopes that I would be less threatening. I could pose as another teenager having fun at the Bronze. Angel came with me the night that I met Sunshine Lawson. Her parents were hippy wannabees, I could tell. When I read the name, my thoughts immediately turned to the fun Xander could have with the double meanings. <<Boy that Sunshine is one heck of a vamp killer..yada yada yada>> Xander loved a bad pun. It felt good to remember him with laughter instead of a pang of sorrow .

We were sitting at a table where we could see everyone that entered when she came in. I can't say exactly how I knew it was her, but I did. I had not seen her picture. It was just a sudden knowledge that she was the slayer. I nudged Angel and pointed her out to him. He gave me a questioning look, and I didn't blame him. She was more the sort of a girl you would expect to find on the cover of Vogue by her looks and physique. She was very tall, and waif-ish, and her looks contradicted her name completely. She had jet- black hair and dark intense eyes. She looked like she would break in half with one good kick. Her manner, however, was something I had not expected. She reminded me of myself. I could see by her expression that she was not comfortable around people, and the shyness seemed to pour off of her. I knew that her academic record was unimpressive. She was average in everything she did, although she seemed to excel in athletics, but would never participate in organized sports despite being hounded by the coaches at her old school. She was into yoga, tae kwon do, and pretty much anything to do with Eastern and Gaelic studies. Her father was Okinawan and her mother Irish. The combination of the two was stunning in her, while I doubted that she realized her beauty. Angel described her as a porcelain doll, in that she looked that fragile. I knew deep down that this girl was as fragile as a steel bar, and that her appearance would be a great advantage. She was striking, not imposing, and that would distract her foes and most likely would make them unprepared for her strength. I wondered how Angel would take to her considering they shared some heritage, although Angel tells me that with my hair and complexion, I am most definitely Irish somewhere. Apparently me being Jewish doesn't dissuade him in the least, which amuses me to no end.

Sunny had come alone, presumably to meet people in this new town, but she promptly sat down by herself and began staring at the table. I took this as my cue to approach her. Angel gave me a kiss for luck as I got up to go walk to her. She never looked up as I approached her, but I knew she sensed my presence. I asked her if I could join her, and received a shrug in response. She was most talkative, this one. I sat down and introduced myself, and made like I went to school at the private school just outside of town. She made noises of feigned interest until I asked her if she would rather be alone. She then became forceful in her assertion that she wouldn't. We started talking tentatively and I got her to open up a little about why she was here, and where she was from.

She was very hesitant when she started asking me about Sunnydale. I could tell that the Hellmouth had been working its magic already. I was cautious in my answers, although I sensed that there was something specific she wanted to ask me. I finally came out and asked her what it was she wanted to ask. What she said floored me, because she asked me if I had known Buffy. I gave her a startled look, and realized that she knew me from her dreams. I hadn't considered that. I told her yes, and decided from there just to be honest with this girl who seemed to suspect what I was there for.

She took the news quite calmly. The idea of being a vampire slayer didn't phase her one bit. I had simply confirmed what the dreams had already told her. I could tell that Sunny had powerful psychic energies, that most likely accounted for her prophetic dreams. My study in magick had prepared me for her. What shocked me the most, however, was when she came right out and asked what it was like to be a vampire. Her slayer sense was highly tuned already, it seemed. I introduced her to Angel, and she experienced a moment of fear at the sight of him before relaxing when she saw him pull me up against his side. I knew this girl would be a powerful slayer. Her strength would be in her perception and sixth sense, whereas Buffy was a go-get-em take charge kind of girl whose presence in a room was obvious. This girl could easily hide in the open, despite her looks. She was the image of stealth, and I knew that when she hunted, she would move like a black panther, unseen in the night.

We had the vampire slaying business, and the fact that we were good members of the undead out of the way, so we took her to meet Giles. The two of them sized each other up rather quickly, and I was glad to see that Giles took Sunny for face value, and did not constantly compare her with Buffy. Her knowledge of marital arts had prepared her for fighting vampires, but she took a different approach than Buffy. Buffy was very aggressive, and always on the offense. Sunny learned through her studies in Eastern philosophy that one should always take the defensive role, fighting only to in terms of defense. If she could, she would sneak up on them so quietly, they would be dust before they realized anyone was there. When this wasn't possible, her mere presence would start the fight, but when attacked she simply sat back, blocking her opponents attempts at her with defensive moves until they made a mistake. She then showed no mercy. She was very quiet, and where Buffy had always longed for a normal life, Sunshine seemed to throw everything she had into her slaying. She once told me that being the slayer finally made her feel special, something she had never felt before. I felt genuine affection for her after that, knowing that once again, I found something that we had in common. I have never been able to say which girl was the more competent slayer. Buffy had her own strengths, and many distractions in her life. Sunny seemed to live through slaying, and while she was affective, I often felt like it was *too* important to her. She needed friends. Angel and I were there, but there was always a barrier between us because of the our vampire status. She appreciated our help, and often sought us out, but she was very much a loner. I knew that she went to school and came home, many times without ever talking to another student. She spent any free time in the library with Giles, and occasionally found herself at our house for various purposes, either on the computer, in our library, or training in the training room Angel had put in. She would often be in there for hours by herself, practicing and meditating before patrolling at night. I took it upon myself to be become her friend, and slowly, I accomplished that goal. Being around someone young and alive was rejuvenating for me. I became more of my old self, and Angel was happy to see some of the old me again. I tried not to think about what would happen in the future, knowing that it did no good worrying about the future when you could easily live forever. An eternity of worrying was a waste of time, so living in the now became my focus.

::personal account::
I was working at my computer one day when I received an e-mail from an aunt I had not seen since I was in high school. She had written to tell me that my parents had been killed in a plane crash on their way to New York. As I sat staring blankly at the letter, Angel came up behind me, putting his arms around me in a hug as he often did. He must have seen what the letter said, because his embrace tightened as he placed calming kisses on the top of my head. He then knelt down beside me, pulling my chair around to face him so that he could read me. Strangely, I was very calm about the news. I could tell he was worried, but all I could do was lean down and kiss him. He returned my kiss, once again giving me comfort in my time of grief. I decided to take it farther, but unlike the other times we had sex, this time we were gentle and took our time. In my mind this was the first time we ever truly made love despite the numerous encounters we had before this. There had been love in it before, but not the aching, sweet union we shared that day. I felt cherished as his hands and mouth roamed my body with exquisite tenderness. There were no injuries, no acrobatics, no demons, as there usually when we were together. I felt that our souls had finally connected on a fundamental level, making me feel complete once and for all. And despite the fact that I had been happy with Angel all along, I had always felt a little part of both of us holding back that part of us that had once loved others. I felt different now, like we had found the keys to unlock those parts of our souls and let each other in completely. As we lay together afterwards I told Angel what I was thinking and feeling, and discovered he felt the same way. Time does heal wounds, and with time and each other, we had healed ours. Neither of us will ever forget the ones we lost, I find joy in the knowledge that they are happy in the next life, and that I can be free to be happy in this one, however long it ends up lasting. Our demons will always be there, but they do not rule us. We allow then to be free with each other sexually when the mood strikes, and through that we can control them. But now, it is our choice. If I want to be with *Angel*, I can, and vice versa. I realize that I am sharing a lot of intimate details that the Watcher Society doesn't necessarily need to know. I include these things in the event that Angel and I meet an untimely end, which for us, would be any end at all. I say both of us because I know that if anything happened to either of us, the other would not continue to live either. It would simply be unthinkable.

I am now finished with my account of things that have occurred until the present time. From now on I will be writing daily, or as often as I see fit. At this writing, Sunny had been slaying quite successfully for nearly two years, and it has been 6 years since Buffy and the others died. Giles is doing well now, and is finally letting go of the pain that has plagued him the last 6 years. Tonight, I am preparing to marry the man who has gotten me through all of it, and I him, and Giles will be giving me away. I balked at the idea of a wedding between two undead, immortal beings, but Angel insisted. He is friends with a priest who knows of our kind, who has been Angel's confessor since he re-gained his soul. I agreed to let him perform the ceremony despite the fact that I was Jewish as a mortal. He has helped Angel finally begin to believe that his essence, his soul, is not damned for the actions of the demon. That all creatures have their purpose in the world, and that ours is to fight as great warriors against the evil in it. As for me, I know that the being known as God is universal, and the fact that I have Angel in my life is proof enough to me that he does love us, and that we do the good we do in his name, whatever it might be.

::End report::