Disclaimer: They're not mine. They belong to Mr. Whedon.

Gone and Surviving
By: Nicollette Marquis McFadgen


Part 4


Angel stood up, said "Excuse me," and walked out to follow Willow. He found her outside, sitting on the same stone bench that he and Buffy had sat at the night before. She was sitting, facing away from the house, with her neck bent. He could see her silent tears flowing down her face.

When he sat down next to her, she straightened her neck, but did not look at him. "Angel, I'm dead. I'm, I, I've got a headstone and everything."

"Willow, you're not dead."

"Well, I should be."

"No, don't say that." Willow did not respond. After a considerable amount of silence Angel asked, "What's that bible verse?"

Willow sniffled. "Joshua 1:9. 'Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be thou not afraid, neither be thou dismayed; for the Lord thy God is with thee, withersoever you go.'"

"That's nice. Why was it your favorite?"

Willow gave a small chuckle, " 'Cause I used to think that it was nice, you know, to think that no matter what happened, or where you were, that God was always with you."

"And you don't think that now?"

"No. Do you think God is with us? Us, the demons?" Angel opened his mouth to respond, but closed it again when she motioned him not to speak with her hand. "It was a rhetorical question." She sighed. "This is too much."

"I know," he sighed as he put her arm around her shoulder.

She shrugged it off. "You can tell them that I'll talk to them one on one. I'm not very comfortable in a group setting anymore. I'll just wait out here." Angel tried to touch her face with the backs of his fingers, but she moved her head away. With a sigh, he got up and walked slowly back to the house.

After a few moments, Willow sensed Xander behind her. "Sit down, we can talk." Xander sat down on the other side of the bench, not wanting to make her feel uncomfortable. "So you and Cordelia, huh?"

"How'd you know?"

"I saw you two out the window last night."

"But it was dark out."

"I'm a vampire. I've got good night vision."

"Oh. Will, she's really changed. Well, on the surface she's almost the same old Cordelia, but underneath, she's different. She helps Buffy, Giles, and me with the slaying stuff. I guess after the whole opening of the Hellmouth thing with the Master got her thinking. It really changed her."

"Well, I'm happy for you."

"Really?"

"Well, no, not really."

Xander gave a little snort. "Well, I'm happy for you and Angel. Okay, not really." Willow smiled a little. Xander continued, "Your parents gave me the letter. The one you wrote in case anything ever happened to you." He scooted a little closer to the small vampire. "God, Willow, I never, I can't believe I was so stupid. I mean you and I, we could've, I just, I was really just stupid. I'm so sorry, Willow. I must've made you hurt so many times, when all I ever did was talk about wanting Buffy, or this girl or that girl. Willow, I..."

"Xander, it's okay. I forgave you then. Every time you hurt me, I forgave the moment after. I knew, I KNOW, that you couldn't help it. You couldn't see me for anything more than just Willow, your bud since preschool. I know that if you could do it differently, you would. Don't feel bad. I didn't write you that letter to make you feel bad." She looked down at Xander's hand which some how came to hold hers. "Friends since preschool," she repeated. "Remember when you got jealous because I helped Jesse with his mud pie before I helped you? To get even, you stole my Barbie. My favorite one too."

"Am I ever going to live that down?" Xander smiled.

Willow smiled back. "No. I cried all day in Jesse's arms."

"I remember, he was quite smitten with you during that time. He came up to me later after your mother had taken you home, demanding that I give him the doll. The problem was that I thrown it in the trash can, and when we went to get it, it wasn't in there anymore. Jesse was so mad. All I could do was cry. When I got home, I went straight to my room and got my entire life's savings. I made my mom take me to the toy store. My dad was a little worried when we got home and Mom told him I had bought a Barbie doll." He laughed.

"And the next day, you gave me the new one. And everything was okay. My mom was upset with you, you know. She came really close to calling your mom and telling her what a rotten son she had. I convinced her not too. I told her that it was just a doll, and that I had plenty more."

"You were always good at covering up for me. Remember when Jesse and decided that we were going to run away to Hollywood and marry those two actresses? I can't even remember who they were."

"Shannon Dougherty and Jennie Garth, of 90210 fame. You two wouldn't ever stop talking about them. I still can't believe that you two actually watched that show. I didn't even watch that show."

"No, you were too busy watching PBS. They were the only good things about that show. Besides, we were like 11 or something. Anyway, we had just packed our suitcases, and came over to say goodbye to you, when for some ungodly reason, Jesse's parents and my parents showed up at your house. So you snuck us up to your room, and hid us until our parents left. By then, we decided to put the trip off for another week. Why DID our parent's come over?"

"I think they were in charge of the PTA thing. I'm not sure. Remember when Jesse..." she trailed off, looking at her lap.

"What is it, Willow?"

"I just realized, that your two best childhood friends were made into vampires." Fresh tears filled her eyes.

Xander let go of her hand, and draped his arm around her, pulling her close. "I know. I've thought about that a lot. Strange how things worked out, huh? We never thought that this would happen when we used to talk about our future. We used to talk about how Jesse was going to be the starting pitcher for the Dodgers. How you were going to find the cure for...I don't know, death, and how I was going to go to Hollywood and marry some rich, pretty actress and eat bonbons all day."

"Well, at least one of us followed that plan. I've found the cure for death, personal death anyway, vampirism." She let out a small laugh that faded into soft sobs. Xander couldn't help it but let the tears fall too.

"Willow, it's so good just to hold you again." He kissed her forehead as she buried her face in his shoulder. Willow moved her head slightly, which brought her lips to his skin. She gave his neck a quick kiss. Her tears slowed as she began to lick at his pulse point. "Willow? What are you...Oh, my, that feels... really good. Willow, we..." She began to suck at his skin. Willow closed her eyes as she felt her fangs elongate. She moaned against the boy's neck.

At the feeling of fangs piercing his neck, Xander called out Willow's name. "Willow, stop, stop, that hurts." He began to push her away. She began to drink.

Angel and the others, who had been watching from the window, ran out side when they saw Xander struggling against Willow. When Angel was near to them, he saw that she was indeed feeding off of Xander. He yelled, "Willow! Don't!"

At the sound of Angel's voice, Willow withdrew her head from Xander's neck. She looked from Angel to Xander. She saw the fear in Xander's eyes. She looked from his face, down to his neck. She jumped up when she saw the teeth mark that she had made. She put a hand to her mouth and felt blood, Xander's blood, dripping from her still elongated fangs. "Oh my God. I... Oh Xander, I..." She turned and ran through the orchard.

Angel and Buffy reached Xander. They both checked his neck and his vitals. Breathing, yes. Bitten, yes. Coherent, sort of. "Are you okay?" The two asked in unison.

As Giles and Cordelia caught up Xander replied, "Willow. Bite. Head hurts. Don't know. We were just. Talking."

Angel and Giles looked towards the direction the Willow ran off to. Giles asked, "Where do you think she ran off to?"

"There's a small forest over there beyond the gates. I have a feeling she went in there."

"Well, we have to go get her, Angel," Buffy stated the obvious. "What if she stays out there too long, and the sun comes up?"

"I'm not worried about the sun. There's lots of wood out there. Which could easily be made into stakes."

"Oh dear," was all that Giles managed to say.

The three turned back to where Cordelia was holding Xander. Xander looked up and answered their silent question. "Go. I'm fine." After they had turned around he added, "Buffy, don't hurt her. It's not her fault."

When the three had reached the forest, after climbing the high gate that surrounded the residence, Angel suggested that they split up to find her. So they went about separately calling out Willow's name and searching.

After a few minutes, Angel cursed. His senses weren't working, or at least they weren't working the way he wanted them to. All he could hear was the pumping of Buffy and Giles' hearts. He had to rely on his sight to find her.

Buffy wasn't faring any better. Her spider sense was out of whack and only focusing on where Angel was. She couldn't sense where Willow was. She continued calling out to her one time friend. As she wandered through the forest, she thought about Willow, as a vampire. Willow having bloodlusts. Willow biting her friends' necks. A chill went down the slayer's spine.

Giles had just rounded a large tree when he thought he saw a spark of red hair. It was dark, and he could not see very well. He called out Willow's name. He slowed his pace as he saw her. She was kneeling down in a pile of leaves, head bent, with a sharpened piece of a tree branch to her heart. Giles stopped. It was just as it was a year ago. Willow about to kill herself and him frozen in fear helplessly watching. Only this time, Angel wasn't near to run and stop her.

He shook himself out of his thoughts. It was up to him to stop her this time. His legs slowly began to move forward again. He gently called out her name. "Willow. Willow, don't."

She looked up at him, her face stained with tears. "Stop. There. Don't get any closer, Giles."

"Willow, please, let me help you."

"Xander, I was going to kill Xander."

"Xander's fine. It's not your fault."

"Not my fault? I bit him. I fed on him. I ENJOYED the taste of his blood."

Giles continued to creep forward. He tried to remember what he had read about preventing suicides. Keep them talking. "Willow, we all know that this has been hard for you. We know that. No one blames you. Xander's fine."

Willow just shook her head. The makeshift stake faltered a bit. Her head dipped lower as more tears found their way out. Giles took this opportunity to get next to her. Within a second he was kneeling next to her, grabbing the stake from her trembling hands.

He enveloped her with his arms. He slowly rocked her back and forth while trying to verbally assure her that it would be all right. She calmed in his embrace.

"Giles?" She looked up at him with her big round eyes.

"Hmm?"

"Did I ever tell you how attractive I find you?" she purred as she began to run her hands up and down his back.

"W-what?" He gasped as one of her hands abandoned its place on his back and found it's way between his legs. "W-willow!"

"Oh come on, Giles. I can tell you want this. You're so hard for me." She continued to rub his length, eliciting a moan from him. "Just relax." she cooed in his ear. He was helpless to stop it. He tried, but his body wouldn't respond. He just sat there, entirely at her will, while she sucked and nibbled on his earlobe.

She dropped her head lower and licked the base of his neck. Her fangs came down. She whispered, "Giles, I'm sorry, but I'm so hungry."

"Willow, STOP!" Angel screamed, having finally found his mate. "Don't do it, Willow. Fight it. You have to fight it."

Willow whimpered against the librarian's neck. The whimper turned into a growl, then back into a whimper. She forcefully shoved Giles' still helplessly frozen, but still relaxed, body away from her. She quickly crawled away from Angel, who had bent down to check on Giles. She felt around on the ground, trying to find the stake that Giles had tossed away.

When she found it, she had just enough time to place it above her heart, before Angel's hands came down on hers. She struggled against him. "Angel, please. Please just let me to this."

"No." He managed to get the piece of wood away from her. He snapped it in half, and threw both parts over his shoulder. Willow began to claw at him as the fury and rage seeped out of her.

"I hate you, Angel. I hate you! Just let me die. Please." She hit his face with her closed fist.

Angel grabbed both of her flailing arms and held them down. Putting a hand around her throat, he pushed the red-haired vampire to the ground. He climbed on top and straddled her stomach, pinning her arms at her side. "Now stop!" he screamed directly in her face. She was still struggling, but since she had very little to eat, she couldn't dismount him. She gave up and stopped squirming under him. He took her face in his hands as he lowered his. His lips met hers. She was unresponsive. He kissed her closed eyes, one by one, then kissed her nose. He finally rested his lips on her forehead. "Don't you know that it would kill me if I lost you? I couldn't live. So if you want to kill yourself, know that you'd be killing me too. Willow, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to have to worry everyday if you're going to try to kill yourself." He kissed her forehead gently. "I love you," he whispered. He climbed off her body as he said, "So if you want to kill yourself, go ahead. And when y

By this time, Buffy had heard them and was kneeling next to Giles. The Slayer and her watcher surveying the scene before them, they watched as Willow sat up and looked at Angel, who was slumped over, looking incredibly tired. They watched as she crawled over to him and took him in her arms. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry," she kept repeating. The small blond and the tweed wearing man got up and slowly walked back towards the house, leaving the two vampires alone.

Kneeling in between his outstretched legs, Willow held Angel's head to her chest. "I've behaved so badly. I'm sorry, Angel. Forgive me? I wasn't thinking about you. I'm sorry." He moved his head to look at her. "I'm scared, Angel."

"I know, I'm scared too."

"I could've killed Xander. I wanted to kill Giles. I'm horrible."

"No, you're not. You're just learning what you are. You'll learn to control it."

"Do you hate me?"

"What do you think?" he asked as he placed a hand on her soft cheek.

"I'm sorry I've put you through this. I was only thinking about me." She closed her eyes. "Oh God! I just, I almost killed twice!"

"But you didn't."

"Did you see what I did to Giles? I'm so ashamed."

"I didn't see you actually do it. I saw the state you left him in; I can use my imagination. Willow." She opened her eyes to focus on him. "You should be ashamed, but I don't blame you. Believe me, I understand. There was a time when I would do anything, seduce anyone, for a kill. I'm not mad at you for what's happened. I'm concerned."

"What exactly are you concerned about?"

"Everything. I 'm concerned about if your going to be able to control these urges in the future. I'm concerned over the fact that you've not told me that you love me since that night nine months ago. I'm concerned about the fact that I'm not sure I know how to help you. And I'm concerned about whether or not you're going to try and kill yourself again."

Willow leaned close and whispered in Angel's ear. "You can help me learn to control my demon. You've done it, so you can help me do it. I promise that I will never try to kill myself again. I won't leave you like that. I can't leave you like that." She placed a kiss right above his hairline. "I love you, Angel." She felt a tear drop on to her cheek. She realized that it was Angel's. "I love you. I'm sorry I've only told you that once. That was wrong of me. I love you."