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--Paula Jones asked her advisors, "Why is Monica more popular than me?" To which they responded, "She was busier than you."--Why did Monica have to testify twice? She had a mouthfull!--(The following joke was submitted by a woman in Anaheim, Ca, with the following preamble, "I happen to be Jewish, so this is not a racially motivated joke. However, it's particulary funny in Jewish cirles because its pretty much true!") How did Bill's semen get on Monica's dress? Everyone knows Jewish girls don't swallow!--Radio Hits 19981. Elvis Presley - White House Rock2. Elton John - Sex Maniac Across The Water3. Nana Mouskouri - Come With Me Bill4. Olivia Newton-John - Bill5. Olivia Newton-John - Please Mr. President6. ABBA - He Is Your Cheater7. Hanson - MMMMonica Lewinsky8. Spice Girls - Stop9. Spice Girls - The Lady Is A Slut10. Aqua - Calling Paula Jones--After this whole incident, Hillary Clinton is going to change her name to Sharon Peters!--Which song did Hillary get Michael Jackson to sing for Bill on his recent 52nd birthday? "Beat It".--"It all started out innocent!" exclaimed Monica Lewinsky to the throng of reporters outside the courthouse where she was giving testimony to the grand jury. "Bill kept saying he was taking me to the Oval Office to look at his clock. When we got there, he dropped his drawers. I told him, 'That's not a clock; it's your cock.' and he said, 'so put two hands and a face on it and we'll pretend!'"8/21/98--Clinton was watching the Miss Teen USA Pageant on TV the other night........what did he think he was watching???? The Home Shopping Network!--How does Monica explain the stain on her dress? She was trying to hold down one of those high-pressure jobs.--Bill thought ol' Hill' was not a thrill,So he sneaked out to get him some.His pants fell down when Mon' came round,And with them fell his kingdom.8/20/98--Why did Clinton do what he did? As Commander-in chief he occasionally likes to get in a hummer.--If it's oral, it's not immoral.--Monica Tongue Twister: Which wiggly wenches' slippery slit's sheathed cheating Slick Willy's wee, wistful weenie lately?--What was found on Monica Lewinsky's dress? A spot of Presidue--(you are holding your breath with cheeks puffed out) What do you call that? Monica withholding evidence.--There is a new female intern in the White House. She is going around meeting the staff, shaking their hands, she then meets Clinton. She shakes his hand and he says.." You must be new, I've never come across your face before."--The President is now taking a new drug to curb his sex drive. It's called "Trynoassatol" --Monica was recently spotted at a sperm bank and when the reporter asked why she responded, (say this while making gargling sound) "Gooo aweigh"--Why has Monica Lewinsky got puffy cheeks ?? She's withholding information !8/19/98--What did Bill say when he got off the plane at Martha's Vineyard? So where's Martha?--TV Producer, Harry Thomason, announced plans for a new sitcom today. Starring Bill Clinton, Hugh Grant, and Pee Wee Herman, the show will be titled, The Three Spooges, and is set to debut midseason.--What's the difference between George Bush and Monica Lewinsky? Bush said: read my lips, no more tax. Monica said: see my lips, no more sex.--Coming out of Starr's Grand Jury room, a reporter asked Monica what went on inside. Smiling, Monica said, "Oh .... you might call it Blow and Tell.--Bill was out for his morning waddle when he turned the corner and two ladies available for commercial appointment (hookers) approached him."Hi, big guy! Wanna have a good time for $50 bucks?" one asked him."Young lady," Clinton replied. You are addressing the the President of the Uinted States of America, the leader of the most powerful nation in the free world ! A successor to George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Franklin Roosevelt" Bill said with authority. "And I've never paid more than $10 for it in my life."The next morning Hillary decided to accompany Bill on his waddle. The President was relaxed until they approached the corner where the hookers had been. Clinton was concerned that they would proposition him again with the First Lady at his side.Sure enough, his greatest nightmare occurred. The same two girls started to approach him again.... then looked at Hillary.... then looked at each other.... then the cuter one said with a smile:"See what you get for 10 bucks, Mr. President ?"--To which White House office was Monica assigned as an intern? The Office of Pubic Relations.--Why did Bill Clinton buy a MALE Chocolate Lab for the FIRST DOG? Because there was already one FIRST BITCH in the White House.--Why did the Big Zipper give his Mea Vulva speech in the Maproom? Because he was confessing he and Monica had been around the world.--Does anyone else find it humorous that Clinton's Grand Jury testimony was carried from the White House to the Federal Courthouse over fiber-optic cables manufactured by a joint venture between SIEMENS and Corning?--What was Monica's favorite childhood game? Swallow the Leader--There's a new Clinton bumper sticker. It reads "Vote for the Man Who's Always on Top."8/18/98--Roses are red, Monica blew.It ain't cheatin', 'cause Bill didn't screw.--Monica just got her first acting job! She's a stunt double in the milk moustache commercials. --Monica signed a $5MM contract with Oscar Meyer. She'll appear in their commercials and recite the following line: "Take it from a girl who knows her weenies, you just can't beat Oscar Meyer!"--Monica needs to work on her resume. I just saw a copy, and her experience is limited to 18 months on the Presidential staff...--Did you know Monica has a hearing problem? All Bill really said was, "hold my calls and sack the cook."8/16/98--Why didn't Monica speak out when the scandal first came up? It was impossible, her lawyers say, because she had her mouth full.8/15/98--Newsflash! Bill Clinton has just explained the whole matter on national TV. In a brief statement he declared only, "Monica didn't inhale..."--The F.B.I. found out two things from the stain on Monica's Dress. 1. She had sex with Clinton, and 2. She's a sloppy eater!!8/14/98The following two are from Joy McLellan, who describes herself thusly: "I am a 60 year old nurse and along with a few of my co-workers, we came up with these plus a hundred more!!!" --The Top Ten Jobs for Monica:10. Campaign for affirmative action for meat eaters. 9. Open the Lewinsky Agency for Sex Research. 8. Spokeswoman for mouth rinse industry. 7. Guest speaker at mother-daughter banquets on how to get a head in government.6.Teach a course in sexuality on what is and what is not edible. 5. Develop new and improved knee pads. 4.Sword-swallower consultant. 3.Publish a cook book on "Protein Alternatives to Meat". 2. Test pacifiers. 1. Travel undercover to Iraq with Kenneth Starr to overthrow Saddam Hussein. --If your spouse asks you for "a Monica" as you are preparing to retire at night, you assume he wants 1)a glass of water 2)to take a walk in the cool night air 3)to plan a trip to Monaco to visit the island where Princess Grace lived and died. 4) none of the above.--What's Monica going to title her memoirs? "How to suckseed in the Oval Office without really trying!"8/10/98--What is the difference between Bill and Monica? One sucks at his job and the other sucks on the job.--Hillary Clinton arrives at St. Peter's gate. On the wall are giant clocks. She asks why there are clocks in eternity. She is told the clocks measure adultery and that every time someone commits adultery the clocks tick forward just a little. She asks to see her husband's clock. St. Peter says, "Because your husband was President of the United States he has the grandest clock of all, but you can't see it because God likes to keep in his room and use it as a fan."8/8/98--Hillary is going to write her version of the White House years. It will be called "It Took the Village Idiot!"--Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, and Ross Perot were all on the Titanic while it was sinking. Bob Dole said, "Women and children first!" Ross Perot said, "Screw the women and children!" and Bill Clinton said, "Do we have enough time?"--What was Monica"s offical title? Head Intern. --What was her most distinguishing feature? Dirty knees. --When asked about Monica's best feature the President replied, "She's got the whitest teeth I"ve ever come across!"--What's the difference between Hillary and Sean Connery? Sean doesn't bleach his mustache.--What's green, has six holes, and smells like pussy? A pool table in the west wing of the Whitehouse! --A group of young nurses was visiting the Whitehouse. As the tour arrived at the door to the Oval Office, the tour guide told everyone that the President was busy and the tour group could not go into the Oval Office. As the group filed past, the door to the Oval Office opened and President Clinton stuck his head out . Spotting a pretty blonde nurse in the hallway, he asked her if she would like to se the Presidential Clock. She accepted his offer and went into the Oval Office. President Clinton told her the Presidential Clock was in his private study. After the two entered the study Clinton closed the door and dropped his pants exposing himself. Looking at the ' Presidential Staff ' the nurse said " that's not a clock." The President said " well it will be as soon as you put two hands and a face on it."--Where did Monica get that dress anyway? Bill was looking for her birthday gift and the dress was the first thing he come across!8/6/98--Why does the presidental limo have tilt steering? More head room. --When asked how the president holds his liquor, Monica replied "by the ears"! --What is Hillary's pen name? Sharon Dicks--What do Monica Lewinsky and Soda Pop machines have in common? Answer: They both have slots which say "Insert 'Bill" here."--Similarities between this case and Watergate? There are tapes, allegations of a cover-up, and one Deep Throat.--OJ Simpson's advice to Congress regarding impeachment? "IF THE DRESS DOESN'T FIT, YOU MUST ACQUIT................."8/4/98--Monica wouldn't have soiled her dress if she would have just kept her mouth shut.8/1/98--FBI laboratory technicians announced today that they found a "WAD OF BILL'S" in Monica's dress pocket.7/30/98--What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer?Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the Presidency!--Did you hear that Clinton stopped playing the saxophone?Now he plays the whoremonica!--There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon.It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory.--Did you hear that when this scandal is over that Monica plans to sell her story?She said she will tell it Blow by Blow.--Monica said she may as well be truthful now about Bill because she doesn't think she stands a chance of getting on the Presidential Staff again.--Monica said she was going to testify truthfully about Bill Clinton.No way will she go down for Bill Clinton.......well not again, anyway.--What's Bill Clinton's C.B. Handle? Haywood Jablowme. --Why doesn't Bill pay retail price? He prefers to dicker.--When asked what was the difference between a night of bowling and a night with Hillary the president replied, "If I had to I could eat the bowling ball."7/26/98--Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky coughed up new evidence?-Neil Hammond-Germantown, MarylandWhy does Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks?--She's withholding evidence.Why is Bill Clinton's favorite White House room the Blue Room?--You can't corner anyone in the oval office. 7/15/98The following was submitted by George Vreeland Hill:What do actor George Vreeland Hill, Bill Clinton, and Monica Lewinsky have in common?--One acts on stage, one acts as a president, and one performs indecent acts.7/8/98Did you hear that Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky recorded a CD together?--It features Bill playing the whoreMonica, with Ms. Lewinsky on skin flute.Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?--To keep his ankles warm.3/20/98From a recent interview with Bill: "I am sick and tired of all this talk about sex. I've had it up to here with sex... But, not recently."3/18/98"Her qualifications seem to consist of wearing too much lipstick."-- P.J. O'Rourke, on Monica almost working at Revlon."...the Clinton secret is that he actually married the dowdy girl who did homework for him in College."-- P.J. O'Rourke, on Bill's popularity with women voters.Reporters asked NOW Presdent Patricia Ireland what she thought of the President after the "60 Minutes " interview given by a woman who had been one of his biggest political supporters. She replied, "He gives me the Willeys."3/17/98The Most Popular Clinton Joke of the last several months (judging by number of reader contributions) is:Q:Why can't they prosecute Bill Clinton?A:Monica swallowed the evidenceWhat's Bill's favorite garden tool?A Blower.What's the Oval Office Motto?Wait 'til we get our hands on you.One day, Clinton was jogging along the Potomac and fell into the water. A little boy playing nearby jumped in and saved him from drowning. As they got out of the water, Clinton said "That was a very brave thing you did. For that, I'm going to grant you 3 wishes--name anything you want." So the boy says, " I want 20 pounds of candy ", and Clinton says ," no problem." The boy then says, "I want to take my family to Disney World", and Clinton says, " OK, it's done." Then the boy says, " I want to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery." Clinton says " Well, I can understand the first two, but what's with the being buried at Arlington?"The little boy replies " Well, when I get home and tell my daddy that I saved your life, he's gonna kill me! "What did Bill say when asked if it was possible to make a hormone?"I've done it lots of times, I just refuse to pay her!"3/13/98Where Does Bill Wear His Underwear? -- He doesn't wear any because they take too long to put on when the Secret Service comes in.What do the Nixon and Clinton administrations have in common? -- A crooked Dick in the Oval Office.What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton desprately wants? -- A dead girl friend.3/9/98Monica had just recovered consciousness after surgery and asked the doctor, "How soon will I be able to resume a normal sex life?" The doctor looked puzzled and replied, "Oh, not very long?" "Why do you find the question so surprising?", asked Monica. "Well," replied the surgeon, " to be perfectly honest, I've never had a tonsilectomy patient ask me that question before!"Don't miss the new movie; "Primary Colors"Staring John Travolta as Bill Clinton, Emma Thompson as Hillary Clinton and Monica Lewinsky as the beaver.3/8/98Whats the difference between Clinton and a screw driver? A screw driver turns in screws and Clinton screws interns.When asked why Monica quit her JOB at the White House she replied:"I blew it"When Bill was asked why Monica "blew it" he replied,"Because I asked her to"When Bill was asked "How" she blew it, he replied,"When she got to the Pentagon, she couldn't keep a tight lip"3/6/98Have you heard the new meaning for the word "B.I.T.C.H."?Bill's In Trouble, Call Hillary...The White House scandal wasn't really Bill's fault, it was just something he got sucked into.3/5/98-�A que no sabes c�mo se le llama ahora al "despacho OVAL"?-Despacho ORAL.Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Bill?Because she's tired of his balls hitting her in the face.3/4/98Monica's reply to Clinton's denial..."I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I'm getting the shaft, that this whole ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. This may be a load to handle, but when times are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard times in the past and I know what is coming...I will meet this challenge the only way I know how...head on. I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say Monica Lewinsky isn't a fighter, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non stop and fight this blow by blow until I am whipped clean of this dirty affair. Thank you."
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