The SHE IS ... Series
She is Dancing
She is Silent
She is Sitting
She is Bleeding
She is Wondering
She is Far Away
She Is Dancing (1)
Date:
Sun, 19 Oct 1997 17:53:57 -0400 (EDT)
From:
Lyle Bontrager <[email protected]>
To:
Multiple recipients of list <[email protected]>
Title: She Is Dancing (1/1)
Author: RocketMan >[email protected]<
Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully do not belong to me, and I intend no
infringement. I am borrowing them from CC, 1013, and Fox, and I hope
they aren't reading this cause it's not up their alley.
She Is Dancing: A Dream
She is dancing on a floor of cold marble, stretching before her like the
endless seas.
The music is fast and dizzying and she can't keep her balance most
times.
She falls and hurts as the floor slams into her body, again and again.
She can't seem to stand.
She is dancing out of control; the shoes on her feet compelling her to
movement and the buzz in her mind making her unable to stop.
She has no partner, no one to latch on to and hold on for dear life as
the floor grows increasingly steeper under her pinched toes.
Someone waltzes close and stares at her eccentric style.
She wants to call out to them to stop her movements but if she stopped,
she wouldn't be dancing.
She has to dance.
A Shadow drift close to her, but she moves away, shoves him away.
A Shadow can't support her.
A Shadow can swallow her up when she's not careful.
She has forgotten she has already been swallowed up.
It is why she dances.
She twists and turns and dizzyingly crashes across the cold floor; she
is dancing with speed, she is dancing for life.
Suddenly someone has captured her.
A figure in white, silent as mist, has descended upon her, claimed her
for his own.
He moves her body; he dictates her thoughts.
He is Death.
He is peaceful and restless; empty and warm; confused and all-knowing.
She has stability.
She no longer swings wildly into the abyss of the floor.
She does not fall.
She does not trip.
Death holds her fast in his warm embrace.
But she is cold.
Her lips are numbing, her eyelids drooping.
Her body is slowing until her dance is but a sway.
The Shadow she rejected before has a calm rhythm before her, his body
fluid and graceful and alive.
She reaches for the Shadow, anything to be away from Death.
He holds her, the Shadow.
Death accompanies them.
Embraces them both and she is dancing the life out of the Shadow.
It is her fault.
She is dancing on a floor of cold marble, stretching before her like the
endless seas.
And the Shadow is dancing with her.
end
adios
RocketMan
She Is Silent (2)
Author: RocketMan >[email protected]<
Dsicalimer: Mulder and Scully do not belong to me. They belong to CC,
1013, and Fox. No infringement is intended.
NOTE: This is a sort of sequel to She Is Dancing, however, it can be
read alone.
She Is Silent.
She is silent.
Her mouth moves to protest but no words come out and all she can do is
nod and agree.
He looks like he wishes this was the last place on earth he was at the
moment. With her face looking like that at him, and those greying blue
eyes staring.
She is silent and that gets him the most.
She waits until all the words are spent and his speech is through and
then she slowly turns her back on him.
And she walks away.
She hears his hurt like it is some tangible thing, but he is not hurting
as much as she, he is not dying with every word that damns her further.
She twists open the door knob and achingly slips outside, into the cold
air that stings just a little bit.
She thought Mulder would keep her alive, keep her . . . dancing.
But his steps had faltered and he had shaken his head no and moved away.
She could not be his partner any longer.
She had no claim to him and he was free of her impending doom.
She breathes the rough air and listens to the wind reiterate his words,
howling at her for being sick, sobbing at her for letting herself come
to this point.
"Scully, I'm taking you out of the field."
The most hurtful, wounding things he could ever say.
She breathes the biting air and turns away from his entreaty.
She will not cry, she will not beg.
Dana Scully will die in dignity.
She is silent as she walks away.
end
adios
RocketMan
She Is Sitting: A Dream (3)
Date: Thu, 23 Oct 1997 18:20:22 +0000
Author: Rocketman >[email protected]<
Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to CC, 1013, and Fox. No
infringement is intended.
NOTE: This is another sort of sequel to She Is Dancing, and She Is
Silent. Those do not necessarily have to be read to understand this one.
She Is Sitting: A Dream
She is sitting in a meadow with the grass shaved down and a dried out
riverbed winding through the dustinedd.
Flowers that once had life are scattered across the expanse of winter
greyness and she sighs, looking for the signs of summer.
She sees a fox appraoch, his eyes dark coal and ears startling red and
holds out her hand.
The fox slinks towards her but does not come closer than a few feet. She
wants to take the fox home, away from the bleakness, but she knows he
will not come with her, no matter how much better off he would be.
She ignores the animal and it leaves finally, crawling on its belly
through the underbrush.
She is sitting and still waiting for summer.
end
Adios
RM
Okay, did anyone out there get what that meant, the symbolism?
She Is Bleeding (4)
Date: Sat, 25 Oct 1997 23:08:38 +0000
Author: RocketMan >[email protected]<
Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to CC and 1013. No infringement is
intended.
She Is Bleeding
She is bleeding, the crimson river flowing right out of her nose and to
her lips.
She swipes her tongue across before it can reach her mouth; she doesn't
want the taste of her coppery blood on her lips all day.
She rifles through her purse until the tissue is located, exactly where
she left it for such occassion.
She holds the white flag of surrender to her nose and leans forward,
then back, realizing that the flow of blood is a lot thicker than usual.
She walks to her bathroom and glances in the mirror, hating the plae
eyes and pale hair blazing back at her.
She pulls the Kleenex away and a fresh fountain erupts and dribbles down
her face.
She sighs and holds the Kleenex back to her nose and reaches for the
saline solution.
She sniffs some, which the doctor told her should stop the bleeding, but
it doesn't.
She is afraid and wishes it would just stop.
After ten minutes, the river of life still flowing right out of her, she
drives to the emergency room.
She is still bleeding.
She is rushed right to an exam room where the doctor there calls up her
chart and then her oncologist and the three of them have a long talk on
the dangers of her bleeding.
She is hardly listening.
The nurse comes in and gives her some medicine that is supposed to
contract the blood vessels and coagulate the blood.
Hopefully it will work.
She asks the nurse if she would mind calling Mulder for her and the
woman agrees cheerfully.
She lays there, alone finally, afraid and blleding and wishing it would
just stop already.
The nurse comes back after a ten minute lull and informs her quite
cheerfully that all she got was an answering machine, but she did leave
a message asking the man to come and get his invalid partner.
The nurse leaves.
She sighs and looks to the ceiling, wondering where Mulder has gone this
time, when she needs him most.
She glances out to the rainy streets and imagines trying to get home in
the mess. She can't. She's stuck until the drug takes effect or it just
stops.
She needs Mulder.
For once, she needs him.
She is bleeding, from the nose and now from the heart.
end adios
RM
She Is Wondering (5)
Date: Sun, 26 Oct 1997 20:35:34 +0000
Author: RocketMan >[email protected]<
Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to CC, 1013, and Fox. No
infringement is intended.
DIRECT SEQUEL TO SHE IS BLEEDING
She Is Wondering
She is wondering what has happened so tragically to Mulder that causes
him to be forever hurting, and she is thinking about how much her life
hurts now.
Before Mulder, her life was a small sphere of influence that consisted
of doing her job, tucking away the horror, and trying to decentralize
the role her father played in her life.
Even after Mulder, her father was central; she supposed no daughter gets
over her father - the first love of her life.
She was naive and innocent, all that Mulder was not.
And she thought then, that by now she would be completely unaffected by
it all, but that was the farthest from the truth she could get.
She is wondering why she has managed to heal with time and why Mulder
has not.
She is wondering why that makes her the one that has to be strong,
simply because her hurt is on the inside and is not seen.
She is thinking about Mulder in the hospital and wondering why he has
not come to her, why he leaves everytime she is hurting, whether it is
physically or spiritually.
Whether his leaving is physically or spiritually.
She is laying stiffly, her muscles are refusing to relax as she worries
about what he is doing to himself, what he has done to her.
She wonders why Mulder stays so far, why the hurt in him has not scarred
over.
At least with scars he does not feel the pain, only numbness.
And numbness can be a beautiful thing.
She wishes he were here already, putting aside himself for one magical
instant, but she knows that is unfair.
Unfair.
Unfair to blame him for things he could not help, was born into. Into
lies and pain and abuse, and things no child can ever be completely
healed of.
No child like Mulder.
One who is so very sensitive inside.
Which is why she beleives she must be strong, why this cancer is so
painful for them both.
He needs her strength and she cannot provide it, as if it is her duty;
she believes it is her duty.
Leftover religion? she wonders.
The sense of duty to Mulder stemming from God is something she cannot
believe Mulder would ever buy into.
Although he has come quite close.
She is alone still in the hospital and still wondering about him, about
her.
He sneaks in and she catches a glimpse of his pale face.
He doesn't smile or say a word, after all, they are not on the best of
terms after their arguement.
He sits beside her and picks her hand up off the bed.
So, he is here.
She is wondering why.
So hipocritical today.
She wanted him here, right?
Just . . . just with her for real. Being real. Being Mulder and not the
tormented boy that craved love and affection, that longed for stability
and a mother.
She could not be that tonight.
But he needs that tonight and she listens to his words that pour like
water from a showerhead whose spray is hot and needlelike.
She listens to the angry words about affairs and parentage and Samantha.
She is wondering who will listen to him when she is dead, when all the
blood has bled from her body.
She is wondering and listening to Mulder's hurt and, once again, shoving
her own away.
She is wondering if he will ever stop and listen to her.
end
adios
RocketMan
She Is Far Away (6)
Date: Mon, 03 Nov 1997 19:24:21 +0000
Author: Rocketman >[email protected]<
Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to CC, 1013, and Fox.
DIRECT SEQUEL TO SHE IS BLEEDING 4 and SHE IS WONDERING 5
She Is Far Away
She is far away tonight, as the machines make noises proclaiming her to
still be alive.
She is far away, in a place where her pain is nothing and her disease is
nothing, wherever it is that Mulder goes to when things get to be too
much and he needs to disappear for awhile.
She is quiet as he sits beside her, listening somewhat to his hurt and
trying to get away, to become detached.
She can't get far enough away from him, from his selfishness, and his
need and his pain and his....
It is all his. It is all him, Mulder.
The world, it revolves around him as do the sun and moon and stars and
herself.
She wants to be far away but he keeps pulling her back in.
She is asking him to be silent for a little bit, he is embarrassed and
starts to get up.
"No," she is speaking.
She wants him with her in body and spirit but not in voice and demand.
He sits again with a half smile and takes her hand and is about to say
something, but remembers.
He remembers and shuts up.
She is smiling with a radiant smile that lights up the entire hospital
and could feed his soul for a million years.
He smiles back and leans into her bed and lays his head down on her
sheets and closes his beautiful eyes.
And his beautiful lashes glide across his beautiful face to rest on a
perfect cheek.
She leans down, places her hand in his hair and kisses his forhead
softly, gently.
She is not bleeding anymore, not from the heart or soul, and not from
the pain.
He sighs deeply and she realizes that her small silent action has healed
a million worngs in his life.
"Mulder," she breathes and it is a heaven sent angel alighting to his
lips.
He kisses her delicate skin with reverance and lays his head back to her
bedsheets.
"Mulder," she says again.
His eyes finally turn on her, the full force of their intense sorrow
slicing through her.
She is pulling him up to sit on the bed and he does and holds her.
She is sighing and her breath is slowing, the machine counting her
downfall, her rise to grace to liberation.
He is holding her tightly as if to hold her down and he knows she
forgives him.
She is cold and shivering and he places his lips to hers and for one
last time, feels her warmth, meets her passion, breathes her last.
She is far away.
end of this series
adios
RocketMan