RocketMan XXVI
Sarah Companion: Family Chapter1
Date: Thu, 03 Jul 1997 14:29:11 +0000
From: Lyle Bontrager <[email protected]>
Title: Sarah Companion: Family Chapter 1
Author: RocketMan >[email protected]<
Disclaimer: Dana Scully and Fox Mulder belong to 1013, Fox, and CC.
Sarah belongs to Carol Gritton. No infringemeant intended.
Rating: P, MSR almost but mainly friendship
Spoilers: None
Author's Notes: Thanks a million times over to Carol for allowing me to
write about Sarah. And for allowing my horrible speeling errors when I
gave her the rough draft.
Family Chapter1
Dana Scully literally dropped when she arrived home, slumping to the
couhc and sighing, her briefcase falling from her rubbery fingers. It
had been a long exhausting day trying to catch up on paperwork from two
old cases while simulataneously doing the reports for three autopsies.
And to top it off, she and Mulder hadn't gottten back from their last
case until twelve the previous night; she hadn't had any sleep.
The full day had passed quickly and at four, with her autopsies left and
nothing for Mulder to do, she had sent him home. Told him to pick up his
little girl and crash early. She knew Sarah would be dying to see her
daddy after their long trip.
Scully had finally gotten the reports done, filed the neccessary
paperwork and gone home, craving sleep.
She glanced to the mantel clock and saw that it was seven. It couldn't
hurt to fall asleep now, she thought.
The phone rang and she groaned.
<If that's Mulder, I'll kill him.>
She let it ring. If it was Mulder, he should know better. And anyone
else calling her would understand if she didn't pick up.
Tha machine clicked and whirled and she heard her own voice with the
recorded message.
"....home right now. If you could leave your name and number after the
beep, I'll get back to you."
And then the beep and Scully thought she should change the message. her
voice sounded so fake on the machine.
"Ms. Scully? This is Claire Lemmons from Sunrise Day Center-"
Scully was off the couch and picking up the phone before the woman could
finish her sentence.
"Miss Lemmons? I'm here."
"Oh, Ms. Scully. Could you pick up Sarah, her father hasn't arrived and
we closed an hour ago."
What?
Scully's breath caught in her throat.
"Sarah? Yeah, yeah I'll be right there." she said, and felt a strange
sense of panic welling up in her.
Shge hung up the phone and her stomach flipped. Where was Mulder? He
would never, never run off and leave Sarah. He wouldn't just forget
someone so important to him.
She scooped up her purse from the floor and bolted out the door.
*********
"Where's Daddy?" came Sarah's frightened voice as she walked through the
front door of Sunrise Day Center.
Scully thanked the woman who had stayed after to care for Sarah and
helped the girl into her jacket. "Do you have all of your things?"
Sarah frowned. "Why didn't Daddy come pick me up?"
<She has a one track mind>
Dana took her hand and walked out to the car, trying to figure out what
was best to say to her. How to explain that Mulder sometimes went off on
goose chases and left her to cover? Would he even really do that
anymore?
"Dana, where's my daddy?" she said again, but her voice was almost
sorrowful and her eyes filling with tears.
Scully buckled her in the front seat and got in, starting the car and
putting on her own seat belt.
As they pulled out onto the road, Scully said, "Sarah your daddy may
have found something very important and gone to look for it."
"More important than me?" her trembling voice asked.
"Oh no, sweet. He probably just couldn't get to a phone." Scully said,
intent on not letting Sarah feel worse for Mulder's stupid actions.
<Why are you doing this to her, Mulder?>
Sarah didn't say anything until they were at Mulder's apartment. With
her small hand in Scully's they eyed the living room, but nothing seemed
out of place. Sarah looked up at Scully and then back at the living
room, as if she could understand how bad it was by Dana's reaction to
the place.
"Dana if he went away because he found something, why didn't you go with
him? I usually stay with Auntie Margaret and Daddy gives me a hug and
kiss good-bye. How come he didn't do that? How come Daddy didn't say
good-bye?"
Dana felt like crying just looking at her face.
"I don't know, sweet. But you're going to stay with me this time,
instead of my mom. Will that be okay? We can pretend like we're having a
slumber party. Alright?"
But there was no consoling Sarah. She wouldn't be easily deterred from
her thoughts.
"Has Daddy left me forever? Just like Mommy?" Sarah's dark eyes, so
reminiscent of Mulder's, stared up at her with a sense of age beyond her
years. Her face was alive with fresh pain and close fear.
Scully sank to her knees beside the girl and took her in her arms. "Oh
no, no, no. Sarah, your Daddy loves you very much and he will be back.
He's all right Sarah."
Scully didn't know what else to say, not wihtout lying to her. And if
working on the X-Files had taught her anything, it was that lies only
caused more hurt.
Sarah pulled away from her and ran to the couch, a place where her daddy
had always made her feel safe, where she could sneak in and lie beside
him.
"You don't know where he is, do you? You don't even know if he's okay!"
Dana stared at her and then slowly shook her head. "No, I don't Sarah.
But I do know that he will try very hard to come back. He loves you very
much and wants to be with you."
<Oh, God don't let me have scarred her for life.>
"Am I enough to make him come back?" Sarah said, her lips trembling.
Scully went other and gathered her up in a fierce hug, stroking her
hair.
"Oh yes, Sarah. You're more than enough."
When her shaking had stopped and she seemed to be alright agian, Scully
stood. "Sarah why don't we get some of your things together? That way
you can sleep at my house."
"But what if Daddy comes back and I'm not here?" she said.
"Daddy knows to come to my apartment, Sarah. He always does."
But she was thinking more that she didn't want Sarah in the apartment in
case someone did come back. And she had the feeling it wouldn't be
Mulder coming back.
Sarah went to find her markers and Hercules coloring book, while Scully
neatly folded some clothes into her Disney backpack.
When Sarah had grabbed her toys and anything else she said she needed,
Scully took her hand and led her back to the car.
Sarah cast a long, sorrowful look back before climbing into the car.
End of Chapter 1.
Adios
RocketMan
Title: Sarah Companion: Family Chapter2
Author: RocketMan >[email protected]<
see chapter 1 for disclaimer, etc. Dristribute anywhere.
This takes place after Staying With Margaret, by Carol Gritton, and is
written with her permission. Thanks to Patty Hayes for reminding me to
tell ya'll when this goes.
Chapter 2
At her apartment, Scully let Sarah crash on the couch, popping in "The
Fox and the Hound," another Disney classic, to watch. Sarah curled up
next to her, her eyes glued to the screen and mouthing the words to the
songs in the video.
When her favorite song came on, Sarah scrunched up her face and turned
to Scully.
"Dana, what does that mean?" she said.
Scully, who had been daydreaming about all the horrible things that
could have happened to Mulder, looked down at her in complete confusion.
She noticed that sometime during the movie, Sarah had grown somber and
serious again.
"What does what mean, Sarah?"
"Elimination: Lack of education." she sang, in a perfect imitation of
the owl on the television.
Dana smiled and felt a bit better. "Well, sweet. It means that when you
don't understand things all the way, and you don't take the time to try
and learn about things, then you'll only be making bad mistakes." she
said, hoping she was imparting the meaning correctly.
"Can it be dangerous not to know things?"
Scully hoped she wasn't totally screwing up something Mulder had
previously told her. "Yes, it can be very dangerous. You could get in
big trouble."
Sarah's face whitened. "But I don't know lots of things!" she wailed.
She was no longer drowsy, but fully awake.
<Oh, no. Please don't make me give her nightmares!>
"That's what your Daddy is for. He will teach you what you need to know
so that you don't make bad mistakes."
Her face seemed to produce a constant store of new expressions. This
time was panic and fear.
"But . . . but what if Daddy doesn't come back? Then who will teach me
things?"
Scully shifted on the couch and sighed inwardly. "Sarah your daddy will
be back, he will. He just . . . . needed to learn some things for
himself, so that he doesn't make bad mistakes either." Scully
congratulated herself silently for applying the phrase to their
discussion. Maybe that way she would not think Mulder had left outright,
but gone in order to keep his family safe.
Except that the phrase was not always true, and hardly ever true in the
X-Files. Elimination came not from *lack* of education, but education
itself. Knowing too much. And Mulder was probably off to know more. Or
knew more and wasn't supposed to.
"But he must be in trouble, Dana. He hasn't come back."
<Oh no! I can't do this! I'm not her mother, I'm not supposed to be
making the decisions that affect her for the rest of her life! What do I
know about children?>
Scully gathered Sarah up into her arms, and leaned back in the couch.
<Please, Mulder. Please have taught your daughter something about the
importance of trust.>
"Sarah, do you trust me?"
Sarah scrunched up her face and seemed to think about it for a long
time.
"Daddy trusts you. He says I can trust you. I do trust you, Dana."
"Then trust me, sweet, when I say that your daddy will be back as soon
as he can."
Sarah didn't say anything and Scully got the idea she was thinking about
this, trying to assimilate it with the innate fear of being left.
"But Dana, I'm afraid. Daddy said I could be afraid. He said it was okay
to be afraid."
Scully stopped and stared at her for a moment. <Okay to be afraid. I
have a child telling me that it's okay to be afraid.>
"Yeah sweet. Your daddy's right. It's okay for you to be afraid."
"And you too, Dana. Daddy says that sometimes he's afraid too. It's okay
for adults to be afraid."
<Mulder, just what have you been telling this girl?>
"Yes, Sarah, sometimes I am afraid."
<Why was that so hard to say?>
"I'm afraid now, Dana. Are you afraid? I know you can't bring Daddy
back, so you must be afraid that . . . that he'll leave you too."
<How does she know? How does this one little girl know?>
She sat back in the couch and stopped giving Sarah the patented
everything will be all right look, and frowned. "Yeah I'm afraid, Sarah.
I'm afraid."
Sarah nodded and actually seemed to be calmer, knowing that she too was
afraid. Most children would be in fits, Scully knew, if they thought
that the adults couldn't make things all better.
"Hey Sarah, why don't we get ready for bed? And maybe in the morning it
will be better."
Scully prayed Sarah had not outgrown the child phase were everything was
all right in the morning.
"Okay." A pause. "Could I sleep in my Jasmine pajamas?"
"Sure sweet."
And they got off the couch and stopped the VCR, ready for sleep.
*********
Back out on the couch again, Scully listened to Sarah toss in her sleep,
waiting for something to happen. She found she *was* afraid. She was
afraid that Mulder had been taken by Them, or gotten in a car wreck, or
been beaten by thieves. After putting Sarah down in the spare bedroom at
eight thirty, Scully had called all the hospitals, but none had a John
Doe by Mulder's description.
She had then called the police, feeling slightly ridiculous being an FBI
agent, but of course they told her to call back within 24 hours. What if
Mulder couldn't survive 24 hours?
So she sat, waiting for him to call, to stumble through her door, to
grin and say he was okay, simply waiting. She was imagining all the
things that could happen to him, horrible images cascading through her
head. She realized that she was acting like a worried wife - consoling
the kids and then when they were put to bed, falling apart. She no
longer had anyone to put on a brave front for, and so she couldn't.
She gave up her vigil and crawled into bed, turning the light out and
hoping morning would come quickly.
Sarah came before morning did, beating it out by a good six hours. It
was almost midnight.
Scully awoke from her own dream, awash in sweat and panic to see Sarah
by her bed, tearful.
She collected herself and looked at her.
"I had a bad dream." she said, chin quivering.
Scully's action was immediate, instinctive. "Oh poor baby. Come up here
with me."
Sarah climbed into bed with her and buried her body between Scully and
the sheets.
"Do you want to tell me about it?" she said, putting her arms around the
girl.
She shook her head and said, "I can't remember it."
Scully nodded and stroked her forehead, calmly wiping away the leftover
tears, and growing sleepy from Sarah's warmth next to her. She felt a
piece of cloth and looked at it in the dim light from the moon. It was
an old, ratty jersey, looking like it had belonged to Mulder at one
point. She smiled. A jersey of Mulder's was the girl's security blanket.
How sweet.
But as she fell asleep again, she found that she could smell Mulder
everywhere. In the sheets, on Sarah, in the pillow, on her own clothes,
even in the breeze coming in through the cracked window. Scully was
surrounded with the constant reminder that Mulder was out there, instead
of here, with his family.
And then she realized that she now thought of herself as being a part of
Mulder and Sarah's family.
<Oh Mulder. Where are you? Your family needs you.>
end of Chapter2.
comments?
adios
RocketMan
Title- Sarah Companion: Family, Chapter3
author: RocketMan >[email protected]<
disclaimed in chapter 1, distribute with the other chapters please,
thank you. takes place after Staying With Margaret. All my thanks to
Carol Gritton, for letting me borrow Sarah.
Chapter 3---End of Story
Dana felt sleep pull away from her and the mist she was floating on
seemed insubstantial with the persistent tug of something outside her
dreams.
She awoke with the feling she was not alone and was confused when her
mind told her that Sarah was there, and that was why.
No. Someone else.
Slowly she opened her eyes and peered into the darkness. Nothing.
She disentangled herself from Sarah's flailed limbs and rose, wondering
where she had put her gun.
<Shoot! In the safe. Crud. No way of getting it now.>
A moan reached her ears and she froze.
Mulder?
She darted to the living room, then stopped short in the hallway. What
if it wasn't Mulder? Was she stupid or something?
But the sound came again and she peeked inside.
It was Mulder.
Trying to lay down on her couch, but so sore and stiff he was killing
himself.
"Mulder!" She said, trying not to wake Sarah.
He turned and in the light of the street lamp shining through her
window, she saw his face.
"Oh my gosh! What happened?"
He winced and she grabbed her first aid kit off the chest next to the
couch.
"I got beat up. Trying to follow up on a lead."
She frowned and took out the alcohol pads, trying not to be extremely
angry at him for running off again.
"I didn't expect anything to come of it, but with the extra time you
gave me, I figured I could check it out. I was - Ow! That stings."
"Hush. Whoever beat you up sure did a good job."
Mulder caught her eyes, amused at the hush and gave her a quirky smile.
She finished cleaning him up and eyed him critically.
"That's the best I can do for now. Did you fall unconscious?"
"Yeah. He took my car and I had to hitch a ride back."
"Let me see your eyes." she ordered and took the flashlight and checked
his pupils. They responded normally and she sighed, finally releived.
"Mulder, I was worried. Sarah was scared to death."
"Yeah I know. I didn't mena for it to happen." he said, his voice soft.
"I know you didn't but I . . . I still . . . "
"I understand. And thank you. For bandaging me, for taking care of Sarah
and calming her down. She really likes you."
He took her hand in his and rubbed his finger over her knuckles. She
nodded and did not think it wise to speak, less her voice give her away.
"I'll see Sarah in the morning. It may not be a good idea to let her see
me all bandaged and knocked up."
"Oh," she sighed and stood to leave. "Well, you know where everything
is."
"Yeah. Go back to bed, Scully."
She nodded and left, her heart beating fast.
But as soon as she slipped in bed, she fell asleep, knowing that Mulder
was safe.
*******
Mulder woke to hear his child screaming, a sound that tore his heart,
and he jumped up, managing to knock his knee into the table and twist
every muscle in his body. But he went for his daughter, despite the
pain.
He found her in Scully's room and the sight ripped away his breath.
Quickly he melted back into the shadows.
Scully was rocking sarah back and forth, soothing her with soft words
and a steady hand rubbing her back.
"Mommy, mommy," Sarah sobbed, clutching Scully's nightgown so that it
dipped low. Her tear stained face was pressed into Scully's side.
"I'm here, I'm here." Scully said.
Mulder's breath caught and he blinked away tears.
Neither noticed him, standing in shadow in the hall watching his little
girl call the woman he most respected, most cared for, most loved, her
mother. In a moment of blind fear, Sarah had reached out for Scully and
called her the only name that had such power to soothe and comfort.
Mommy.
Sarah had called Scully Mommy.
Scully held her, smoothing her hair and kissing away her tears. Soon her
sobbing fell into shudders and sighs, and Scully pressed her lips to her
forehead.
"I'm here," she said finally.
Sarah nodded and snuggled deeper into her arms, sighing a little. Scully
felt her heart squeeze. She had never known what joy a child could be,
how much they could influence your life, how much they got into your
heart, until Sarah. She might have been jealous at first, that another
woman had given Mulder his first child. But she was the one that ws
allowed to share the experience, the love, with him.
Sarah turned suddenly and gave her a kiss. "Thank you Dana. I love you."
she murmured, already falling asleep.
"Oh, I love you to sweet."
Dana knew she could never stop loving this beautiful child.
**********
Mulder came into Scully's bedroom the next morning to see Sarah and her
tangled up together, their arms and legs flung every which way. He
thought it had to be the most wonderful, beautiful sight, to see his
daughter sleeping with abandon in the arms of the woman he trusted and
loved. He sat on the side of the bed, noticing how young Scully looked
sleeping in the sun, next to a child. He wanted to give her a child of
her own, even if she felt like Sarah was already hers. Scully moved a
little and her bright hair fell onto his fingertip. He stroked it and
laid a hand on her side, feeling her warmth and life. She was like an
angel, and Sarah, sleeping next to her, an angel too.
It was time to wake up his women.
End.
That's the end. all done
You like?
Adios
RcoketMan
Sarah Companion: Family II (1/4) by RocketMan
From: [email protected]
Date: Thu, 07 Aug 1997 09:02:49 -0700
Title: Sarah Companion: Family II (1/4)
Author: RocketMan >[email protected]<
Disclaimer: M and S belong to CC. Sarah belongs to Carol Gritton, whom I
thank profusely for allowing me to create part of the events in her
life. And for putting up with my horrible typing.
TimeLine: Directly after Mulder and Scully's marriage, I am not sure how
old Sarah is, though I am guessing nine.
MSR
Family II (1/4)
"Were you good for Grannie Margaret?" Fox Mulder asked his daughter,
Sarah, upon arriving.
She gave him a look. "Of course." Sarah's voice held indignation, that
he could even think she might *not* be good.
"Did you have fun?" Dana asked her.
Sarah looked at her father's new wife and nodded, still a little angry
over being ditched. She thought that a honeymoon was a vacation for
everyone, not a vacation *from* everyone. She also had a secret nagging
feeling that her daddy would ditch her more often, in favor of Dana.
That night, after she had brushed her teeth, he did ditch her.
Instead of allowing her to fall asleep on the couch with him, as he
usually did after a long trip away, her sent her right to bed, saying
they had to get up early and pack up the few things that reamined to
move in with Dana. He and Dana slept in the study, crammed on a pallet
between dusty boxes and old files he wasn't supposed to have.
"Mulder," Scully said, lying next to him. "I'm glad you agreed to stay
in my apartment until we can find something for all of us." She stroked
the tense muscle of his shoulder to make him relax.
"Hmm, yeah, this study is pretty close. Of course we could always try
the couch," he said, giving her a wicked grin.
"I'd fall off!"
"Not if I held on real tight," he said, eyes mischeviously dark and
expressive.
She shook her head and rolled a bit closer to him, her mind having lost
interest in his words.
"Is Sarah okay with all of this?"
"Of course!" he said, a bit surprised at her question. "Why? Don't you
think so?"
"I don't know, just a feeling......"
"Agent Scully! Having preminotions?" he teased.
She frowned. "No, just a bad feeling she resents me now."
"Scully!"
"Sorry. I mean, she doesn't me taking her place in your life, or the
place of her mother....I completely understand why....."
"You understand?"
"That she feels resentful..."
"Why do you understand?"
<Because, Mulder, I felt the same way! I hated her! Not anymore, but I
did. I hated that she had your attention, that she had made you into the
person you needed to be, and you didn't need me or the X-Files again.>
But Scully didn't say all she thought.
"Because....because when you first brought her to me, I hated that she
was yours." she said simply, not wanting to gloss over any of the cold
hard facts.
"You did . . . " It was a tight whisper.
"Oh, I don't anymore, Mulder. But if she resents that I'm with you, and
misses her mother, which I am sure she does, then she won't like it that
I've seemingly stepped into that role - officially now."
"But it's the same as before." he protested, not wanting to hear any of
the feelings she'd had about Sarah before.
"No, it's not. I'll be here all the time. I'll have the right to her as
a mother does, as her mother did. Before, I never disciplined her, or
dealt with her problems, or bought all of her clothes......all the
things a mother does. I've been her friend, and now I have to be her
mother." Scully took in a shaky breath. "But I can never be her mommy."
Dana felt the tears in her eyes at this confession, at the pain she knew
it would bring later on. She could just imagine the nights where Sarah
would be angry at some decision and decide to throw it back in her face.
"You're not my mother...."
Scully jerked as Mulder verballized exactly what she had been thinking.
She felt somewhat relieved that he understood though. "Yes, that's it.
Nad when you back me up, she'll think you've abandoned her."
Mulder winced. Those words cut deep, too deep. The one thing he tried so
hard to impress upon Sarah was that she was not all alone, that she
would never be abandoned, that he would always be there.
"Mulder? I didn't mean to-"
"I know, I know. But you're right. She may take this great, or
completely the wrong way. She's got a mind of her own and there is no in
between with her. I'm glad you reminded me that this is not a fairy
tale."
She needed to take his mind off it. It was enough to know, too much to
dwell on the unstoppable.
"Mmm," she murmured, her mind finally coming back to the senses he was
producing with his stroking. "But it feels like a fairy tale."
"And I'm Prince Charming?" he said, grateful for the change of topic.
She smiled. "No, the toad, but don't worry, I can break the spell."
His eyebrow curved and he looked at her. "Since when did you become a
princess?"
She laughed and touched his cheek. "Since you started treating me like
one."
He groaned. "That's where I went wrong."
He grunted as a pillow smacked his arm, then he grabbed her arm and,
keeping further pillow attacks at bay, he pressed his lips to hers. She
subbmitted willingly to his embrace.
end part 1
Family II (2/4)
On the other side of the study door, stood Sarah, her face still sleepy
looking and tears drying on her cheeks. They were in there having fun
without her and leaving her to her own nightmares. She could see
phantoms along the walls and monsters in the furniture, all laughing and
growling at her. She wanted her daddy to make them go away, but he was
in the study with Dana, talking and laughing. Were they laughing at her
fear?
"Daddy?" she said her voice quivering.
She heard a bried moment of silence then spoken whispers.
"Come on in sweetie." came Dana's voice. Her mother had always called
her sweetie. She didn't like Dana saying it.
She twisted the knob and, for a second, couldn't get it open, but then
she tumbled inside, tears once again streaming down her face.
"Oh baby what's the matter?" Dana said. Mommy hadn't called her a baby,
Mommy had said she was her big girl.
She sniffled. "I had a very bad dream."
Mulder held out his arms to her and she ran to them, stumbling over the
covers that had been hastily thrown to the side. She felt his arms
clench around her and his fingers thread through her hair. The nightmare
had already started to fade; she didn't cry anymore. Scully's arms went
around them both and Sarah felt odd for some reason; it was not as
comforting as before.
Sarah turned in her father's arms and snuggled down, ready to go back to
sleep, but only with him. Sarah moved so that she was as far from Scully
as possible.
"I'm sorry Daddy," she said.
"It's all right baby. I'm just sorry you had a bad dream."
"It was a very bad dream." she corrected, frowning. "Very." Now her
daddy was calling her a baby too.
"Oh," Dana said, nodding. "Very bad."
<Is she making fun of me?>
Sarah nodded silently and then peered up at her father, who had been
watching the interplay with curious eyes, trying to see the resent in
her that Scully had.
"Daddy, can I sleep with you?" she asked.
<She's testing her limits, Mulder......>
Mulder looked to Scully. Normally, he would have said yes immediately,
but with her he just didn't know if she wanted that. Scully tried to
convey her misgivings, but Mulder wasn't reading her too well.
"Sure sweetie."
Scully groaned inwardly. Not because Sarah would be sleeping with them,
but because Sarah had just been told effectively that she could always
have her way.
Maybe it wouldn't last.
It wasn't lost on Sarah that her Daddy had hesitated.
******
Sarah missed her room. The one that her Daddy had sacrificed for her,
making him sleep on the couch - not that he didn't already. But now he
was with Dana in her bedroom after moving in to her apartment. Sarah
knew they'd be moving in to a house eventually, but she missed the
comfort her old room gave her. No growth marks on the doorjamb here, no
dull brown carpet that was perhaps a bit too shaggy. No bed with her
faded Minnie Mouse comforter and Buzz Lightyear sheets. She missed
running out to the couch to talk with Daddy late at night when she was
scared or couldn't sleep. She missed snuggling up with him in the
mornings. Sarah wasn't sure where her place was in all the newness.
She wanted her mommy. Her real mommy. She wanted to be back home with
her blue and pink bedroom and lacy curtains, with Mommy coming in every
morning to wake her with orange juice, and the smell of bread in the
toaster.
Dana didn't wake her in the mornings. Neither did Daddy. She always got
up on her own, so that she wouldn't bother them. She didn't know what
she could do anymore. Soemtimes Daddy let her fingerpaint in the lving
room, but Dana had said no. Sometimes Dana let her brush her teeth in
the big sink, but Daddy said she had to be a big girl and use her own.
She didn't seem to fit into Daddy's life anymore.
<Daddy doesn't need me anymore......>
Scully understood that Sarah must be feeling a little odd, with herself
as a permenant part of their lives, instead of coming and going on
weekends and nights. So she gave her room, left her alone, to let her
get adjusted. She didn't realize it was making Sarah feel unwanted.
So when Sarah asked her to read her a bedtime story, Scully thought that
maybe she had found her niche. Scully read from "Where the Wild Things
Are," a story Mulder had obviously picked out.
Her voice was strong and soothing as she read:
"......his mother called him "WILD THING!" and Max said, "I'LL EAT YOU
UP!" so he was sent to bed without eating anything......"
Dana watched in fascination as her voice combined with the story, lulled
Sarah into a sort of dulled stupor, where her head kept falling as if
she might finally fall asleep, and then would jerk up to hear the rest.
"And Max the king of all the wild things was lonely and wanted to be
where someone loved him best....."
She was asleep.
Dana was glad, but also felt odd. Sarah usually did things to prolong
bedtime, like asking difficutl questions or a long story to be read. She
also asked Scully for a glass of water every five minutes, and then
asked to go to the bathroom. Was it different now that Scully was less
the baby-sitter and more the parent?
She went in to bed, slipping in with Mulder and touching her cold toes
to his legs, making him jerk.
She smiled at his forwn and he wrinkled his nose. "Oh, think you're
funny, do you?" he said pouncing on her.
She tried not to make a sound, for fear of waking Sarah, but his hands
were tickling everywhere and she ended up not being able to breathe.
She cried mercy, but he kept on till she was panting for breath and
laying exhausted on top of the sheets.
"Not so funny, huh?" he said, eyeing her.
She shook her head, trying to get her breath back. He leaned forward to
kiss her and she smiled sweetly. "Jeez Mulder. I'm exhausted now. I
think I'll go right to sleep."
His look of utter surprise almost made her laugh, but she laid down and
rolled to her side. She felt him stare at her for a long time before he
huffed and laid back down.
They were both still awake, he trying to figure out if she was kidding,
and she wondering when he would just go ahead and do it. when Sarah
burst in to their room.
Scully groaned. She had thought the sleeping thing solved.
Mulder held out his arms and sat up, Scully coming up with him. "What's
the matter Sarah?" she asked.
"I was a wild thing!" she said. "I dreamed I was a wild thing and sailed
forever and ever and landed in a place wher they didn't get dinner and
no one loved me best!"
Sarah ran into his arms and her picked her up, depositing her between
himslef and Scully. Sarah moved so that she didn't touch Scully, and
clung to her father. Scully noticed it with pain in her heart.
"Oh Sarah, I love you best." Mulder said.
"More than Dana?" she said, her eyes dark and frightened.
He looked to Scully with a frown and saw that she too looked frightened.
Of his answer?
"No sweetie. I love you the same amounts, but there are different kinds
of love."
Sarah seemed far from mollified.
"Why don't you sleep with us tonight?"
Sarah nodded and curled up next to her father, so that Scully couldn't
possibily touch him.
When she was asleep, Mulder looked at her apologetically.
"She feels threatened I guess. I'm trying to stop it, but....."
Scully, feeling somewhat alone without his touch, just nodded and gave
her patented "I'm fine" look that Mulde had thought he had stopped
getting.
"I understand."
And she rolled over and tried to sleep.
Mulder sighed and nestled his head on top of Sarah's.
Scully might understand, but she sure didn't like it.
******
end of part 2
Family II (3/4)
Three weeks later
Scully couldn't stand it naymore. It had to be stopped.
"Mulder," she said, as soon as Sarah was alseep.
He turned to her and knew what was coming. Sarah had been sleeping with
them for the past two weeks, ever since waking from the dream in which
she was a wild thing.
"Scully..."
"Mulder, no. She's going back to her own bed. We can't keep doing
this..... Mulder she's going to be very hurt the longer you prolong it."
He sighed. "I just don't want her to feel-"
"Mulder. She knows that we love her. And if she doesn't, it's time she
learn."
He nodded and carefully wrapped his arms around Sarah, lifting her
effortlessly off the bed. She stirred but did not wake and he carried
her to the guest bedroom, her temporary room at Scully's.
When he came back, he immediately went to Scully's side, pushing himself
up close to her.
"I'm sorry, Scully. I know you don't want this-"
"Mulder!" she said sharply. "That is not it at all! How could you think
that?" She rose up in bed, her eyes afraid. How could someone who
supposedly knew her inside and out even think that of her?
"Scully, all I meant was I know she's not easy to manage sometimes, and
that she gives you a hard time. You don't deserve that." He looked at
her and pulled her down to his chest. "That's all."
She sighed. "Mulder, I don't mean to step all over your toes in this,
but Sarah is a big girl and needs to sleep in her own bed. She should
know that just because we're married doesn't mean we don't need or want
her. I think she does know, really, but wants to find where she fits in
it all. Wants to make sure that she *does* fit in it all."
Mulder sighed and hugged her tighter. "It feels good to hold you again.
I missed it," he said softly.
He was changing the subject.
"It feels good to be held," she murmured.
******
Sarah never brought up sleeping with them again, and Scully made an
effort to make her feel included in everything. Sarah learned where she
fit in, where her place was and she seemed to grow accustomed to it.
They went back to renting two videos on friday nights, one for all of
them, and one for when Sarah went to bed. Mulder and Scully took turns
driving her to school, and every afternoon, Dana picked her up. During
the five minute drive back home, Sarah and Dana talked about everything,
from that school day, to the tough questions about life that Sarah liked
to throw at them. They went on long walks after dinner and searched for
a house together, hoping Sarah would get into the moving idea better.
Sarah even agreed with Dana on what kind of house to get - a big, two
story, for the future.
One day, Scully told her to clean her room before dinner, indicating the
mess left over from the afternoon.
Sarah glanced to the room and the toys scattered about and shook her
head.
"No, I want to eat first," she said.
Scully shook her head. "No, Sarah. Clean your room. That way you have
more time before bed."
"No!" she said and tried to shove past Dana and into the kitchen.
Mulder came out at her yell, a frown on his face.
"Sarah...." Scully warned, her voice low.
"You're not my mother!" she screamed, shoving herself away. "You can't
tell me what to do!"
Mulder's face turned deathly white, a sign of his rage and he took a
firm grip on her arm. Scully, beside him now, was stunned and shaking.
Tears formed in Dana's eyes even as she fought to keep them under
control. She knew it had been coming, but it still hurt. A lot.
Mulder, his voice like the rumbling thunder that threatens bad storms,
shouted at her. "Sarah Elizabeth Mulder! Apologize this instant!"
But Sarah was a Mulder and when her temper was loose, and she knew she
was in trouble, she was stubborn to the point of stupidity. "No! She
isn't my mother, and I don't want her to be!"
Dana's breath caught like jagged glass, her eyes stinging as if she had
been slapped. She felt her legs tremble and mentally berated herslef for
letting something said in the heat of the moment disturb her. But she
wanted to throw up. Sarah had just ripped put her heart and dug her
heels in it. She couldn't even breathe without wincing.
Mulder was ready to spank her. And he didn't even believe in spanking.
"Sarah, you are grounded for a month. Go to your room and clean it, just
as Dana said, and don't even think about coming out tonight. I'll bring
you dinner."
Mulder felt trampled on, that his daughter could hurt someone he loved
so badly.
Sarah escaped to her room with her own tears.
Scully sat down on the couch, slowly. Mulder went to her and saw her
protective walls slam into place. He couldn't bear the hurt in her.
"Dana....."
She shook her head. "Mulder I - I have to get out of here for awhile.
Take a walk or something." she said, her voice cracking and lips
trembling.
<It hurts. She's not even my flesh and blood, but it hurts. Terribly.>
Mulder tried to stop her, to get her to talk to him, but she stood and
escaped out the door. She didn't even take a jacket.
She left as if fleeing for her life.
Mulder sank to the floor and tried not to weep.
Nothing could comfort either of them. He didn't know who he was most
angry at. Sarah for her outburst, Scully for leaving, or himself for not
stopping it.
******
"Daddy, where did Dana go?" Sarah's small voice asked as he brought her
dinner in. She was curled up on her bed, her floor picked up and her
toys in their correct positions.
"I don't know Sarah. She was hurt a lot." he said honestly.
Sarah frowned and he saw tears in her eyes. "Daddy?"
Mulder sat on the bed and leaned down close to her, surprised that he
could fear so much for Sarah, love her so much, even as Scully was out
there, hurt and alone. Bleeding inside because of Sarah.
"Daddy, is Dana coming back?"
He hoped so, with all his heart.
"Yes, she'll come back. She just needs to get some air, walk around a
bit. It helps her work through her hurt."
Sarah's face crumpled, just as it had when she was much younger.
"I'm sorry Daddy. I'm sorry. I want Dana to come back, I do. I'm sorry."
"It's going to be all right, sweetie. Dana knows you didn't mean it. She
knows you love her." He pulled her in his arms adn rocked her, wishing
he could do the same for Scully.
"I'm sorry." she sobbed.
"Oh baby, she knows."
Sarah cried in his arms and he wished Scully could see how much it hurt
Sarah too.
******
end part 3.
Family II (4/4)
Dana Scully took in a deep cleansing breath as she left the apartment,
the tears and pain blinding her. She stumbled from the sidewalk and into
the rain - why was it that it always rained when something bad happened?
And it wasn't even the kind of rain she liked, only a steady annoyinh
drizzle.
Her feet pushed forward while her mind remained behind, stuck forever on
the look of pure hatred that had flashed across Sarah's face. She
couldn't think of anything else, despite the chill of the evening.
After walking for an hour and a half, Scully realized that she was
getting nowhere, and that Mulder would be worried. She began to head
back, each step becoming harder and harder to take. When her, or rather
their, apartment came into view, she took another shaky deep breath and
tried to forget. Her escape had been much needed and she was ashamed of
that, yet also aware of it. Dana realized that although she loved Sarah
and Mulder with all her heart, she was just too used to being alone, not
always being vulnerable to hurt. She needed time to bring back the
pieces of herself, to heal the wounds that words had made that night.
And escaping was the only way she knew how.
She walked quietly up the steps, wondering if Mulder had gone to bed and
half wishing he had. She wanted her alone time just a little while
longer, so that she wouldn't be weary in the morning.
She hoped she hadn't hurt him by running off.
When she had unlocked the door and walked quickly inside, she was him
sitting on the couch, waiting for her. She should have known; Mulder was
an insomniac.
He watched her pull off her shoes and sit next to him, tucking one leg
under her body, the classic defense posture for women who are
uncomfortale. He held his own face in a mask, not alowwing her any hint
as to what emotions lay buried inside him.
She stayed absolutely still, knowing that she probably deserved getting
chewed out, especially after their promise to not hide things from each
other.
He spoke first.
"I'm sorry it got that bad, Scully. I'm sorry you felt like you had to
get away." he whispered.
His words, his face, his emotion broke her heart and she couldn't look
him in the eyes as she said what she had been thinking about on her
walk.
"Mulder, it got that bad because I let it, you let it, Sarah let it. But
it's not about you, or Sarah or love really, but me. I - I didn't know
what this meant, what having a family was, and I guess I was more in
love with the idea than anything else."
His face was pasty and she finally looked into his deep brown eyes. The
corners of his mouth were twisted into a sorrowful grimace, and he
looked to almost be laughing or crying, like it could go either way.
"Scully?"
"Mulder, I'm not.......not leaving." She watched his face twitch and his
body relax; it was what he had been fearing. "I'm just going about this
the wrong way. With Sarah I mean. I'm just going to stop pushing so
hard, trying so hard. She'll come to me when she's ready for......for
whatever I can give her. I need to stop trying to fill Annie's
shoes....."
Mulder hesitated, his face freezing into a mask of surprise. He hadn't
realized this was the problem; he hadn't even realized she was doing
that.
"I'm sorry Mulder, for running off like that. I-"
"No, no it's okay. I understand." he said and finally touched her.
It was a welcome strength to feel his hand in hers, his fingers rubbing
her skin.
"I know that we really didn't talk about things very well." he said,
thinking aloud, concentrating on her hand.
"Yes, I was deluding myself thinking I could be her mother."
Mulder looked up and shook his head. "Oh I don't think that's it at all,
Scully. I think she wants a mother, would like you to be her mother. But
I think she knew that you were trying to be Annie. And she didn't want
that."
His statement struck her again. Hadn't she just came to that conclusion
a few minutes before? That she needed to stop trying to be Annie? She
just had to mother Sarah the way she would mother her own children.
"Mulder.......thanks." she whispered and moved into his arms for a hug.
He embraced her, fueling his need even more, his need to know she was
all right, to feel her near him, to touch her.
"Let's go to bed, Mulder. In the morning we can dig this up again. I'm
too tired to think straight."
He smiled and led her to their bedroom.
******
The next night, after some tense moments with Sarah all day, she asked
Scully to read her a bedtiome story.
Scully looked first to Mulder but he gave no indication and she realized
with a smile that now, she was the parent too.
So she followed the girl to her bedroom and helped her into the pajamas
they had recently bought at Target. Grey soft flannel shorts with a
matching grey top. Sarah was growing out of the Disney merchandise.
Sarah pointed out the book she wanted read to her and climbed into bed.
Scully pulled it off the shelf adn read the title. "Only One Woof," by
James Herriot; it seemed a little young for Sarah.
The story told of a pair of puppies that lived on a farm and were best
friends. One day one of the puppies was sold to another man and left the
other one all alone. The remaining dog never barked as he grew up until
one day he saw his friend from when he was a puppy. Then he let out one
short 'woof' and ran to him. It was a sad story that Sarah had chosen
and she didn't like reading it very much.
Afterwards Sarah spoke up tinidly, the first time that day she had
talked to Scully alone.
"Dana, you won'r leave again will you?" she said.
Scully sighed. "I can't promise that Sarah. Sometimes I'll need to
leave, to be by myself for awhile, or to go somewhere. But I can promise
that I'll always come back. I'll always come back, Sarah."
Sarah picked at the light blue comforter, pulling thread from one of the
white clouds printed on it. "That dog, in the story, he got so sad that
he never spoke and never had any fun. And all because his friend went
away. I don't want you to go away Dana."
Scully understood now. Sarah had chosen a book that related to her and
now she was trying to explain it. Scully felt touched.
"Were you very sad when your mommy went away?" Scully asked.
"Yes. Like the dog."
"You didn't speak?"
"Not much. I was sad adn it didn't seem to be worth it. Who would listen
and care? But Daddy.......that was like when the dog saw his friend
again.....
when Daddy got me. Daddy cared........but Dana with you I - I......."
Sarah stopped. She wasn't sure what she wanted to say.
"I think I understand Sarah. Daddy cares for you and you were worried
that with me, he wouldn't anymore?"
Sarah's face showed relief, mixed with apprehension. "Yeah that's right.
Like in that story, the dog only barked one time and when his friend had
to go away again he never did afterwards. I don't want Daddy to go away,
to stop.....stop...."
"He won't Sarah. And neither will I. It's okay to feel like that, but we
love you. Do you understand?"
Sarah nodded.
"Good. I'm not trying to make your Daddy not care about you. No one
could do that no matter how hard they tried. I want to care for you too,
is that okay?"
Sarah nodded again adn lapsed into silence. Just when Scully had thought
she had fallen asleep and was about to tiptoe out, she heard a tiny
voice say her name.
"Dana? 'Member that time when I was having the bad dream and Daddy was
gone and I called you Mommy?"
Scully's eyes were wet; she remembered all right. It had been so long
ago, she hadn't thought Sarah had remembered.
"Umm-hmm."
"Is it okay still?"
Scully took her in her arms and hugged her tightly. "Of course,
sweetheart."
"Okay......I love you." she said.
"I love you too baby."
It didn't sound so bad to be called baby now.
With Scully still looking down at her, she fell asleep.
end of story
did you like?
adios
RocketMan
Sarah Companion: Family III (1/1) by RocketMan
From: [email protected]
Date: Thu, 07 Aug 1997 09:06:48 -0700
Title: Sarah Companion: Family III (1/1)
Author: RocketMan >[email protected]<
Disclaimer: M&S belong to CC, however he would be sorely put out with
this version of the X-Files. =-P. Sarah and Miss Smythe belongs to
Carol Gritton.
Notes: This is an epilogue to Family II, you do need to read it first. I
came up with this as a better way to end it, and thought I'd post it.
Warning: MSR, Rated P
Family III (1/1)
The phone rang shaprly in their office as they cleared out files. In
grabbing it, Scully stirred up the dust already coating his desk an
sneezed loudly. Mulder looked to her and smiled; she stuck her tongue
out at him.
"Scully." she answered the phone.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm looking for a Mr. Mulder."
"This is his phone, hold on a sec."
She handed him his phone and took the stack of files and folders from
him. They were cleaning out their basement office, preparing to be moved
into seperate divisions. The X-Files were now solely Mulder's though he
told her he was going to line her up as co-investigator for every one
anyway. All it meant really was that the government didn't see them as
working together, but they really still were.
She watched his face as he spoke to the women on the phone, the small
frown that started, then changed to a tiny little grin of delight. She
hoped it wasn't one of those 900 numbers that called occassionally.
After a strange converstaion, Mulder hung up and turned to her.
"Well that was Sarah's teacher.......Miss Smythe."
Scully frowned. "What's wrong?"
His face took on the clam detatchment it had when explaining a case to
her. The kind that he only gave to her in bits and pieces, letting her
think of ways to disprove his claims before he even gave her all the
information.
"It seems Sarah kept talking about her mother as if she were still
alive."
Scully's face fell and she felt the prick in her heart that cmae
whenever she thought of Annie, or of Sarah's sadness in missing her
mother.
But Mulder's face remained calm. "Well Miss Smythe was concerned that
she might be, well, going a little crazy or making up stories, just as
children do. So she took Sarah aside and said that she knew that Sarah's
mother had died a while ago, and that it was okay to remember her, but
that she shouldn't make up stories."
Mulder paused and saw the lines of fresh pain carved on Scully's face.
"But Sarah said that she wasn't talking about her first mommy, she was
talking about her second mommy and that she wasn't making the stories
up. Miss Smythe called to ask who Dana was."
Scully's head jerked up and her eyes met his.
<Mommy......>
"She called you mommy, Scully."
Dana's mouth fell open and she stared at him as of she couldn't believe
the words that had come from his lips.
He smiled and kissed her softly. "Congratulations, Scully. You're a
mommy."
She smiled and laughed.
He liked the flecks of gold that appeared in her eyes when she was
laughing. He liked the way her teeth were small and white in her mouth
when she was smiling.
He liked her being happy.
Scully threw her arms around him and squeezed him hard. She buried her
face into his shoulder and laughed again.
"Thank you Mulder.......thank you for letting me in on this...."
end of Family III
adios
RocketMan
Sarah Companion : Family IV Chapter One by RocketMan
From: <[email protected]>
Date: Tue, 23 Sep 1997 20:46:28 -0500
Title: Sarah Companion: Family IV, Chapter One
Author: RocketMan >[email protected]<
Disclaimer: Scully and Mulder belong to Chris Carter. Sarah and
Stephanie belong to Carol Critton.
Deciation: This is dedicated to Carol, for creating the 'Family' in the
first place. And for her never ending contribution to the ideas that
make up these stories. I also really appreciate her editting. Couldn't
live without it! =-)
Family IV
Chapter One
When Dana found out she was pregnant, she prayed for a son.
A boy Mulder could teach and be proud of, a son to give him new
experiences and unseen joys.
A child that would have a fighting chance for Mulder's affections.
They began to give ten-year old Sarah more responsibility in the
household chores.
She would help Mulder cook dinner, and keep her room straight, bed made.
Sarah was excited about the prospect of a little sister and she talked
endlessly on the subject.
She even said she would baby-sit whenever they wanted to go out, but
only when she turned twelve.
And only if her name was Stephanie.
Scully actually liked the name, agreeing with Sarah that it sounded
different, more special, but Mulder said it sounded too much like a
little child's name. He wondered what would she think when she was older
and hated having such a childish name.
Scully thought it was a beautiful name.
Sarah eagerly championed the cause until arguments constantly by both
his wife and his daughter convinced Mulder that Stephanie was a good
name for a girl.
But Dana secretly hoped for a boy.
While Sarah insisted it would be a girl and would not even let them
think of boy's names, Scully prayed that a son would catch Mulder's
attention.
But when her baby girl was placed in her weakened arms, and her
beautiful soft face peered out at her, Scully swore to give her as much
love as was lavished upon Sarah.
So when Mulder saw his new baby, the fierce protection in Scully's eyes
shocked him, but he dismissed it and proceeded to marvel at their
creation.
The newborn blue eyes opened for them to smile over and the thick, light
brown, almost red, hair caught their attention; she was definitely a
Scully woman.
Distinctly not a Mulder.
The nurse did tell them that the eye color changes with growth, and that
most babies are born with dark hair, but to them, in that instant, her
look branded her a Scully.
Which Mulder didn't mind at all.
Dana, however, saw how he regarded her differently already.
She was named Stephanie, not so much because Mulder gave in, but because
it was Sarah's suggestion and she'd already taken to calling her sister
Stephanie anyway.
Not to mention that all her Barbie dolls had the same name.
Mulder would hold Stephanie and Scully could see the wonder there, but
it was the look-what-I've-made wonder, and the awe of how perfectly tiny
she was.
For Scully, it was the first child awe, the flesh and blood maternal
instinct, and the swelling pride.
She did love Sarah too, but she could already tell it was different.
Not that she loved one 'best' just that it was different.
Dana loved Sarah because she was Mulder's, because she had fallen in
love with her.
Dana loved Stephanie because she had grown for nine months inside her
and had come from her and Mulder's body, living and breathing and whole.
She loved her because she was Stephanie's mother.
She did not see the same in Mulder, even though it was his child too.
Never before had Dana felt so bitter over not being able to give him his
first.
It struck her most deeply when, smiling in her hospital bed, she
remarked on something cute their baby girl had done and Mulder replied,
"Yeah, Sarah did that too. They all do."
Mulder thought her tears were hormones and wild mood swings mothers were
sometimes predisposed to.
Instead she was despairing for her firstborn.
What kind of life would it be for Steph if she was constantly going to
be in Sarah's shadow?
She promised her daughter then and there that she would always keep the
two girls separate and equal.
end chapter one
adios
RocketMan
Family IV
Chapter Two
Stephanie was brought home on a Friday, giving the family a weekend to
adjust to the baby's schedule, and to set up their own.
At first, everything was too hectic for Scully to remember her promise.
In the morning, she'd wake at six-thirty with Mulder, who had taken
paternity leave, claiming he wasn't going to miss a day of his little
girl's devolopment.
She would breastfeed Stephanie while Mulder watched, humming a lullabye
to soothe the baby. Then they would go get Sarah up and ready for
school. Mulder and Dana switched who got to take her to school every
other week, so that they both got to spend time with her.
But then, the rest of the day was a blur of feeding, playing, napping
and diaper changing. Just when she thought they were done, it would
start all over again. Mulder was a great help, but by the time it was
three o'clock, he was ready to pick up Sarah.
They would have a little father-daughter time after school, either doing
homework or playing.
That left Scully with the baby for an indefinite period of time.
Often they lost track of time and Scully would end up making dinner,
which was supposed to be their job.
After dinner, she would be exhausted and fall asleep on the couch.
Mulder would pick her up and tuck her into bed, kissing her forehead and
pulling the sheets up around her weary body.
Then he fed Steph from a bottle of breastmilk, changed her, gave her
another bath, and played with her while Sarah took a shower and got
ready for bed.
Then he would put his baby to bed, and watch television with Sarah until
her bedtime.
As he crawled into bed, kissing her nose, she'd wake and snuggle into
his arms, warming him until he fell asleep, finally exhausted himself.
She would stay awake until Stephanie's next feeding.
Afterwards, she would fall into bed and sleep until six-thirty the next
day.
Because Mulder's irregular sleep patterns fit nicely with Steph's
feeding early in the morning, Scully would wake every so often to see
him cradling her, his face washed out in the setting moon, or predawn
sun.
It alwasy gave her peace, renewed energy even.
Then the day would start all over again.
Mulder went back to work after six weeks and she felt alienated from
him.
He couldn't help as much as he wanted, and with her not actually working
anymore, she felt like she had to do more to make up for it.
He would come home weary after working the whole day to cover for having
half his partnership out of commission. Scully would get Sarah from
school on the days he didn't make it home before four.
She found out very quickly that Stephanie abhored car rides.
So no one drove with the baby.
Which meant that someone was always left behind.
And more often than not, it was Dana.
She would use every second of her spare time, trying to make up for
missing out on Sarah's days, or getting a few moments alone with Mulder.
Scully came home after taking Sarah to a friend's house to spend the
night, and found Mulder alseep on the green leather couch, Steph curled
up on his chest.
She sighed in fatigue and wished she could fall asleep like that.
She didn't know if she could do it anymore.
Dana fell to her knees on the carpet and shook with the thoughts coming
at her in the easy breath of time.
The silence was a welcome blanket that she wanted to wrap herself in
forever.
Something Sarah had said while driving her over to the slumber party
came to her just then.
"Mommy, I miss you."
It reminded her with a jolt of her failure to keep everything running
and still have enough time with her kids.
She had to be a full time mom with the experience of a part time mother.
She had to be a pro at this baby thing while it was just her first time
. . . but her second child.
And she didn't know if she could do it anymore.
Not only was she stretched too thin, but she wasn't being the mother to
Sarah that she should.
And she loved Sarah, wanted to be with Sarah.
She missed Sarah too.
But she missed herself more at the moment, selfish as it seemed.
Dan crept past the living room and into the kitchen looking for paper
and pen. She grabbed a post-it note and pencil and jotted down a quick
note telling Mulder she was at her mother's and that she loved him.
She had to get out of there.
She affixed the note to the TV where he would be sure to see it and then
tiptoed over to him.
His beautiful brown eyes were hidden from her, but she could imagine the
concern in then when he read that she was at her mother's. Being the
obstinate man he was, he'd probably wonder what had happened to her mom.
Sometimes he just didn't see.
Sometimes he thought things were going great, wehn they were obviously
not.
His forehead wrinkled in his dreams and she leaned over and kissed it
softly, hoping that whatever happened, she would come back and find him
like this, patiently, happily waiting for her.
She loved him, she really did.
She touched her lips to his mouth and saw that Stephanie had his mouth.
She slid a hand down her baby girl's back and bit her lip. Looking
peaceful, Steph stirred and yawned, causing pangs to run through her.
How could she want to escpae this, if only for a little while?
Her bright blue eyes opened and looked at her, blinking with sleep at
her mother.
Dana stroked her back and murmured a song to make her fall back to
sleep. Her baby's eyes close and soon she was breathing deeply again,
right along with Mulder.
Then Dana walked out of the house, feeling like a thief, coming to steal
something precious.
But she also had a sense of complete freedom that she hadn't felt in a
very long time.
She knew she'd never take advantage of it again.
end chapter two
adios
RocketMan
Family IV
Chapter Three
Dana stood outside her mother's door, feeling eternities slip by as she
debated the choice.
Should she walk in, pour out her heart, when she wasn't even sure this
kind of thing was normal?
How normal was a woman wanting a bit of time away from her new baby?
And even as she thought about it, she missed Stephanie more.
How could she think of leaving her so early, when she was only a few
months old?
Scully swallowed hard past the lump and turned to leave...
....just as the door opened.
"Dana? What are you doing out here, child? Come in."
Her mother's voice made her tears rise to the surface once more, and she
turned to face Margaret Scully.
"Oh, baby, what's wrong?" Mrs. Scully said, holding out her arms to her
daughter immediately.
Dana's shaking frame fell into her grasp and she felt ashamed for her
thoughts, stupid for her failures.
Her mom had done it all alone . . . why couldn't she?
Mrs. Scully pulled her inside and pushed the door shut, then helped her
to the kitchen. Her forehead crinkled and she patted her daughter's hand
softly as she poured tea into a cup for her.
"What's happened, Dana? Did you and Fox get in an argument?"
Rather than reminding her mother that it was 'Mulder,' Dana wordlessly
shook her head, but her face remained stonelike.
She sighed. "No. No, nothing like that. Mulder's a great father. . . "
They sat in the old, well worn chairs placed around the kitchen table
and Mrs. Scully took her cheek in one hand.
"Then why do you look so sad?"
She shook her head and a tear slipped free of the tight control she had.
"Oh, Mom!" she half sobbed.
"Dana!" Her mother exclaimed, not used to such emotional outbursts from
her youngest girl.
"I - I can't do this anymore, Mom. I feel so tired all the time, so . .
. not me. Mulder and I never get to talk like we did before. I miss my
job, and I feel awful for missing it when I have this beautiful little
baby, but I do. I miss the time I had with Sarah and she does too. I
can't keep this up-"
"Woah! Baby, slow down." Her mother interrupted and paused to let her
take a breath. "Now, think about all those things and tell me what you
are hurting so much about. It's not the job, I know that. It's something
more and you're using that to cover for it. Now, tell me what's really
wrong."
Dana shut her eyes and took a deep breath.
"I feel like I'm letting everyone down. Me, Mulder, Stephanie, Sarah,
God maybe, Dad especially, Sarah too."
Mrs. Scully's shocked expression made her wince.
"I'm not doing all I should be. Mulder has to get up half the time to
feed Steph from a bottle because I'm so tired all the time. I'm supposed
to be doing that, but I don't. I'm not even really spending quality time
with them either. It's just time and I rush through it as fast as I can.
I'm not cut out to be a mother-"
"Oh, Dana! That's not true!"
"But I'm screwing it all up, Mom . . . I can't even spend the day with
my baby without feeling trapped. That's not supposed to happen. I feel
so trapped."
Her words came out anguished, turmoiled. She hated that it was the
truth, but it was.
Mrs. Scully frowned. "Dana, how much are you letting Fox do?"
Dana ducked her head and looked to the floor.
"I suppose he could do more. I kind of push him away sometimes. I guess
I feel like I have to do everything, just as you did for us. I want to
show someone that I . . . I can do that too . . . "
She didn't say that she was afraid that Mulder wouldn't love Stephanie.
She didn't say that she thought that if she didn't do everything, then
Mulder might not do it as well because he didn't care as much.
They were spiteful, horrible thoughts, and she couldn't utter them.
"It's just . . ."
Dana stopped, her emotions closer to the surface than what she was
comfortable with.
"It's just that . . . Mulder doesn't seem to . . . want that . . . he
doesn't seem to love her like he does Sarah . . . "
She whispered the final words, needing to have someone tell her that her
fears were unfounded. Needing someone to tell her that it was just post
pregnancy blues.
Mrs. Scully hugged her tightly, wrapping her arms around her daughter
completely. "Oh, Dana, that's not true. I was there when he held his
little girl. To see that look of pure delight, pure joy on his face is
to see how much he loves that baby. I saw that light in his eyes."
"But it's different . . . "
Why couldn't she let go of it?
"Dana!" Mrs. Scully was a little angry at her stubborness, born of false
illusions. She protected Mulder like her own. "You know it's not true.
There is nothing exceptional about your situation. So, it's his second
child, so what? He missed all Sarah's early years, let him be a part of
Stephanie's. You'll see how much he wants to be in her life."
The doubt was evident on her face and her mother sighed.
"Dana," she said softly. "Do you know that I felt the same about you?
With your father? I suppose that's why you were his favorite. Because he
knew I was afraid he wouldn't care that much. I mean, there were already
two other children in the family, already another little girl."
Her mother's words hit her hard and her head rose sharply.
"He came home to see you for the first time and I thought he wouldn't
care. You were just another kid. But you were his. His and mine. Don't
you see? You were special to him because I had borne you, because you
came from him. I had expected all the newness to wear off. But it
didn't, Dana. It grew. He treated you all as individuals, with separate
personalities. You weren't a miniature Melissa or Bill. And for Fox,
it's the same. It's his first child with you, and that's special for
him. He wants to be a part of the things he missed with Sarah. So let
him. You won't be so tired, and you'll get to spend more time with
Sarah, or just be alone."
Dana sat at her mother's kitchen table for a long time, thinking about
her father and everything he had missed in their lives. She wanted
Mulder to experience every aspect of fatherhood, not just from age seven
and up.
She gave her mother a watery smile and shook her head. "Thanks, Mom. I
needed to hear that."
Her mother hugged her and she began to stand to go.
"I should get back, Mom. I left Mulder alone with Stephanie-"
"Dana Katherine! Listen to what I'm saying child! Leave them alone. I'm
sure Fox can handle it. You need some time for yourself, to establish
your priorities, rearrange your thinking, get things straight before you
go back. Remember, this is your first child, it's all right to get
frustrated, to screw up now and then. Just don't try to do it all
yourself when there are others to help you."
Dana bit her lip and looked hesitantly at the door, but sat down again.
When she thought about what her mom had said, and let go of the pent up
feelings, she found herself already more relaxed.
"I'll call Mulder and tell him he has to fend for himself." she said
with an approaching smile.
"Good girl," Maggie Scully said, patting her daughter's arm. "After you
call, you can set the table." she ordered, just as she had done when
Dana was twelve and doing household chores for her allowance money.
Dana smiled and rose to call Mulder, feeling better already.
end chapter three
adios
RocketMan
Family IV
Chapter Four
"Scully?" came his sleepy voice.
"Hey you. I'm at my mom's. I left you a note, but I'm assuming you
haven't been awake to read it, huh?"
She could almost see his sheepish smile. "Uh, yeah. Steph is still
asleep."
"Oh, Mulder. Don't let her sleep too long. I want her to be able to
sleep later on tongiht." she said, sighing.
"Don't worry. I'll wake her in a few to feed her. So, is your mom all
right?"
"Oh! Yeah, she's fine. I'm going to stay here tonight, though . . . if
you don't mind."
She almost wanted him to say no, come home to me, but she needed the
silence, she needed to relax.
"Okay, Steph and I will have fun here at home. She'll miss you . . ."
Scully's eysbrow rose. "She will, huh?"
Mulder sighed. "I'll miss you . . . "
Dana's face softened and she could imagine him sprawled on the couch,
absently rubbing Stephanie's back and having that wistful longing in his
eyes.
"Yeah." she said. "I'll miss both of you . . . "
Suddenly it didn't seem like too good of an idea, staying with her
mother.
"Mulder..."
"No Scully. Stay there. Have fun. Okay? We'll see you in the morning."
Dana sighed, because when it came down to it, he really did know her.
That eased her soul considerably.
"All right, Mulder. Good-night."
"Good-night, Scully. Love ya."
"I love you too," she said softly, and then hung up.
Her place was at home, with her husband and child, not here, her home of
long ago.
Margaret Scully saw her face and shook her head. "No, Dana. You need
this. Fox needs this. Stay here."
Dana smiled oddly, and sat back at the kitchen table, melancholy in her
features.
Her mother smiled. "Now this is how a mother feels." she said.
"What?"
"Well, what kind of mother would want to be away from her child, her
newborn baby, for very long?"
Dana smiled slightly. "So, in other words, if I don't feel miserable,
you'd be worried?"
"Exactly. Now come help me make dinner. Here's the lettuce for the
salad. It's Romaine, much better than iceberg in my opinion . . ."
As her mother prattled on, Dana began to relax into the easiness of
being a child, a dependent again.
And soon she was finding comfort in her mother's words, the soft and
moderate tone that could always soothe her as a child. The warmth of the
kitchen and the memories of other kitchens that had all been different
in design, but essentially the same because her mother was there.
Comfort.
Peace.
They all settled upon her like a benidiction from the angels, a blamket
of security that nothing could dispel when she was there.
She could make it work.
She could be a mother.
She could achieve that same peace for her children, no matter how much
she worked at a job, how many games or school plays she missed, how many
dinners she burned. It wasn't what she couldn't do that made her a
motehr, but what she could give.
And all she could give was love.
And she loved Sarah and little Steph will all her heart.
~~*~~*~~*~~
Mulder was waving Steph's little hand at her as she pulled into the
driveway, and it hit her with a pang.
She had missed them.
She parked the car and ran inside, an unaccustomed smile on her face
spreading as she saw them come to her.
She took Steph from his arms and hugged her tightly, then gave Mulder a
long heat-filled kiss that made him cock his head at her and give her a
look.
"Mmm." she murmured, pressing her cheek to Stephanie's. "I missed you
guys."
Mulder's smile was wide and he wrapped his arms around her waist, as if
clinging for dear life.
"We missed you too." he said, his lips brushing across her throat.
Dana pressed Steph closer to her, reveling in the deliciously warm
feeling spreading through her.
HIs lips grazed her neck, then her cheek, traveling up her body as he
showed her how much he missed her.
She turned in his arms, Stephanie lodged between them, and felt his kiss
find her lips.
Then she broke off and put her forehead into his collarbone, breathing
in the scent of him.
He sighed. "Are you all right, Scully? Did you find what you needed?"
He seemed to be resigned, sorrowful, as if he thought he couldn't give
her what she needed, emotionally, to sustain her.
The idea tore at him.
"Mulder . . . it's not you . . ." she whispered. " I was . . . I should
have come to you, talked about it, but I didn't feel like I could."
"You can, Dana. You know that right?"
He touched her cheek with a finger, as if memorizing her features just
in case.
"I know."
"Tell me now, then."
She gave him an abstract smile and sat on the couch, Steph on her knees.
He frowned and sat beside her, loving the way her fingers slid across
the baby's back, soothing her unconsciously. A Madonna image of her and
his little girl. She was even more beautiful as a mother.
"I just got overwhelmed. I didn't think I was a good enough mother. And
I didn't know how to change that. I thought I had to do everything, be a
Supermom I guess. I mean, my mother did it all herself. I thought I had
to be better, or at least as good. I thought that was the only way to do
it."
Mulder frowned and touched her cheek. "Oh, no, babe. You're a good
mother. A great mother. Definitely better than most."
She tilted her head. He'd never called her babe before.
She smiled.
"Well, in doing that, I've realized that I wasn't allowing you to be a
daddy."
He shifted his gaze, his eyes dulling.
She knew then, that he had felt the same. That he wasn't able to be the
father he wanted to be to Steph, because of her.
And hadn't she sworn that day in the hospital that she would keep that
from happening?
She felt her throat grow tight.
"I'm sorry, Mulder. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to keep you from her. To .
. . to monopolize her. I . . . I, oh Mulder, I thought you wouldn't want
to be a father to her. I thought that since you had Sarah, you wouldn't
need another little girl."
Her hands played anxiously with Steph's socked feet.
The tears simmering in her eyes did not ease the pain she pronounced on
him.
That she thought he would do that . . . that she could believe he
wouldn't love Steph because of Sarah . . .
Her tears slipped down her cheeks as he sat stone-faced in front of her.
"Mulder . . . I'm sorry. I'm so sorry . . . please, look at me."
He didn't move and she felt her chest contract, her heart flip. She
moved Steph to his lap so that he had to hold her so she wouldn't fall,
and then put her arms around him, clutching his resolute frame.
"Mulder please."
He slowly moved, putting his arms around her, holding her, the baby
balanced in his lap.
He found his voice in the pain he saw in her eyes.
"It's okay Scully. It's okay. That's over now. You know that I love her,
just as much as Sarah. She's my child, she's yours . . . that's why I
love her."
Scully bit her lip and shuddered the last of her sobs away.
"I love you Scully," he said, because she sounded like she needed to
hear it.
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
"It's all right, babe. It's all right."
Mulder had thought, going into the relationship, that he'd be the one
with the problems, with all the ill concieved notions that always proved
false.
He was, but so was she.
She smiled at the 'babe' again, and rubbed her fingers over Stephanie's
stomach.
"Scully, come to me next time? For anything . . . we're a family."
She nodded and he pulled her back into him.
The warmth of his child and wife comforted him, and he closed his eyes.
"What we have is good Scully. It works."
She smiled and rested her hand on his leg.
"It works," she whispered.
She could do it.
His chin came to rest on the top of her head and peace settled around
them once again.
*They* could do it
As a family.
end of story
adios
RocketMan