Date sent: Tue, 10 Feb 1998 23:17:23 -0500 (EST)
Author: RocketMan >[email protected]<
Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to CC, 1013, and Fox. No
infringment or offense is intended.
Rating: Spoiler for US5. PG-13.
Get Better
I shiver again and feel the pavement pound into my aching feet, the
heels wobbling and causing my ankles to twist unnaturally.
But I will not stop running.
Mulder is ahead, his long legs reaching the suspect faster, quicker,
speedier than my limping gate.
My ankles hurt and my lungs are about to collapse, but that's what you
get when you're miserably sick with the flu for a week and insist on
coming anyway.
Mulder looks behind him once, looking for me and I wave him on ahead.
But he frowns and his eyes dart to the suspect, our UnSub, and he makes
a judgment call.
He stops and trots back to me, even as I slow.
"He's a mole, Scully. I'd never find him once he got to the tunnels. And
besides, this is New York City . . . I'm not leaving you here."
I scowl and suck in deep breaths, hoping my lungs won't collapse just
yet - I still need to go off on Mulder.
"Mulder, we almost had him . . . almost had him and you - you stopped -
you shouldn't-"
"Scully . . . " He grabs my shoulder and manages to catch me as I fall,
reeling with lack of oxygen, lack of balance, really. "You're sick." he
says and tries pulling me up.
I hang onto him, shutting my eyes very tightly and feeling as if he is
pulling me along at a hundred miles per hour.
"Scully? You're scaring me . . ."
"I'm scaring myself."
I slither out of his grasp to the ground and shake, letting the coughing
overtake me for awhile and the sickness catch up.
"Jeez, Scully. I told you not to come..."
"I'll make sure to tell - to tell my mother not to sue you if - if I die
here, then." I say, wheezing and glaring up at him.
"Oh...sh-" He trails off and I see him look around as if embarassed and
then he yanks me up.
"It's okay.....don't - don't put yourself out for me, Mulder."
"Shut up, Scully."
I shut up and let him propel me to our car.
~~~~
"You're temp is now . . . ta-dah . . . a miraculous 103!"
I groan and struggle to sit up, but as I do the world becomes a
merry-go-round and I'm once again flat on my back.
"Scully, need anything before I leave?" he says, tucking the sheets back
around me and smoothing the hair that had fallen out of my hasty
ponytail.
I shake my head and he sighs, softly touching my cheek before standing
to go.
"Expect me to bounce things off of you when I get back, all right?" he
says, and I can tell it is just to appease me. I hate that I'm staying
in the motel while we have work to do.
"Not too hard," I say, wrinkling my nose. "I still have a murderous
headache."
He gives me a smile and leaves.
Another sick day.
I'm so *sick* of sick days.
Next year, I'm taking the stupid flut shot.
~~~~
"Scully!"
I jerk awake, crying out as his voice explodes through my head and into
my dream, my nightmare.
"Sorry. Did I wake you?" He sticks his head in the door and gives me a
small smile.
I take a deep breath, cough it out, wince as my head throbs, and then
nod.
He smiles at me like I'm some pitiful creature from the Humane Society.
"I brought you ice cream, Scully." he says.
My eyes light up and I sit up, forcing away the dizziness to focus on
the immediate reward.
"Here." He produces a bowl of chocolate and vanilla swirl, with a fudge
stripe going through it and I take it gratefully.
"Thanks," I murmur hoarsely, and my fevered eyes tell him how much this
thought meant.
"I like playing doctor."
I smile and take a bite.
Oh.......beautiful icy cold slithering down my throat, coating the raw
angry red with freezing melting bliss.
I close my eyes and hear his small laugh.
He leans forward in the bed and I can feel it quiver.
"Scully?"
I open my eyes, find his staring straight into me.
"Having a good time?" he says, the eyebrow and the glint telling me he
is making this perverted.
Oh well. I *am.* I nod.
"Good."
I go back to the ice cream and he feels my forehead, pushing aside the
hair.
"You feel pretty hot to me. You don't look so hot, though."
Ho..ho...Mulder's the wonderful master of puns tonight.
"What's your temp?"
"Um.....104.. I think."
"Scully...." He sounds reproachful.
"What? Did you want me to call?"
"Yes."
"Say, Mulder, my fever is 104, just thought you'd want to drop
everything and come over so that you can do absolutely nothing about
it.... you wanted me to do that?"
His jaw tenses. "Yes."
I raise my eyebrow.
"You're a devil when you're sick, you know that?"
I grin evilly at him and he groans.
"Go back to bed, Scully. Stop teasing me."
I try to laugh but it ends up a cough instead.
He frowns and places the thermometer in my mouth.
"You're acting like my mother."
"Keep your mouth closed, Scully. . . Someone has to act like your mother
when she's not here, though, huh?"
"You?"
"Me."
I stick out my tongue, carefully keeping the thermometer under my tongue
and he shakes his head, as if I am a truant child.
He pushes me back down and then takes away my empty ice cream bowl,
placing it simply on the floor.
After five minutes he reads it.
"104.2, Scully." He frowns and I sigh, exhausted again.
His hand reaches out and starts caressing my cheek, cold and cool and
blue like my mother's hand when I'm sick.
I capture his hand in between my shoulder and cheek and close my eyes.
"Good-night, Scully. Get better."
I nod and fall asleep.
End
adios
RM
Title:
Glimpse (1/1)Date: Thu, 21 Aug 1997 20:38:28 +0000
Author: RocketMan >[email protected]<
Disclaimer: The characters of M&S belong to CC. How does one go about
owning something like that? I mean, the show airs on Fox, yet, they have
rights and priveleges, just as CC does. Is it a co-ownership thing?
UST-G
Spoiler for Home.
Glimpse (1/1)
When Mulder made it to her apartment building, he was surprised to find
a small child sitting outside, her back leaning against the door.
Mulder looked down and smiled rather hesitantly because he had no idea
where the child had come from, or if she would even move.
"Hello." he said.
All those Child Pyschology classes weren't about to be wasted today.
"Hullo," she said, her voice coming out soft and painfully shy.
"Are you lost?" he said, squatting down next to her so that he could
look her in the eye.
Well, if she would raise her eyes, he'd be looking straight at her.
"No, Daddy," she said, a little fright in her voice.
Daddy?
"Well, why are you outside then?"
"Mommy sleepin' and don't want to wake her up."
The child couldn't be older than two. At the most. Very small to be
outside in the hallway, where anyone could walk up and take her. Mulder
frowned.
"Where is your mommy?" he said gently.
He'd have a few words to say to such an irresponsible woman.
The tiny thumb jerked out and motioned towards his partner's door.
Shocked, Mulder glanced back up at the number, to make sure he had the
right apartment.
"Your mommy is in there?" he said, a bit of fear rising in his voice.
Scully had taken the day off, which had been odd, but he would have
noticed if she were pregnant.
The small head nodded enthusiastically, glad to be of help.
"Well, my partner lives there. Can I go in?"
"Of course silly. Make sure ya don't wake Mommy."
"I won't. Why don't you come in with me?" he said, holding out his arms
to the child.
She frowned and then went willingly into his arms.
He picked her up and stood, reaching his full heighth, then opened the
door.
When his eyes adjusted to the dark, he saw the television was on, some
Disney movie, and that a figure was stretched out along the couch,
sleeping.
He got closer and saw it was Scully.
Mommy?
He closed the door behind him and walked over to the couch. From her
position, he could tell she had been watching the cartoon with the
child, and fell asleep.
Good thing he had come along and gotten her from the hallway - before
someone else had.
"Scully?" he whispered.
The girl tapped his arm. "Shh, Daddy. Don't wake Mommy."
He frowned. "Well, mommy needs to get up."
The little child frowned too and leaned her head against his shoulder.
He sat down and cradled her in his lap, then shook Scully's shoulder.
When Scully's eyes opened, she saw an indistinct little girl, in the
arms of Mulder, and such a look of.......something.......that made it
her startle.
"Oh, Mulder." she said, sighing and sitting up.
"Um, Scully?"
"Oh, Brenna."
The little girl strained in his arms for Scully and she absently picked
her up. "Mommy!" the girl said, joyfully.
Mulder was at a loss. <Go with what you know>
"She was outside, Scully."
"What?" Dana sounded horrified and he nodded.
"She said her mommy was inside sleeping and she didn't want to wake
her."
Scully's brow furrowed and she looked to Brenna.
"Is that true, Brenna? Were you outside?"
Scully didn't seem to think it odd that Brenna had called her mommy.
Brenna nodded sheepishly and Scully shook her head. "You can't do that
here, Brenna. It's not safe. I told you that."
"Okay Mommy."
Scully turned to see Mulder's almost frightend expression and she
laughed.
"Brenna calls everyone Mommy. And every male she calls Daddy."
Mulder's face went slack. "Oh. She called me Daddy and for a moment I
wondered if I'd slipped into an alternate reality."
Something in his face gave her the idea that hadn't been such a bad idea
to him. She knew it wasn't such a bad idea either.
"You think it'd happen in an alternate reality?" she asked softly.
Brenna seemed very still, as if she too was waiting for her answer.
'Yeah." he said honestly.
Her breath seemed to be stuck in her throat.
Brenna invaded the moment and practically leaped for Mulder.
Mulder gathered her up in his arms and cuddled her.
"So how did you get her?" he said.
"Oh, she's my niece. Staying while Charlie and his wife go house
hunting. They want to be closer......because of.....well, my cancer."
Mulder's face took on an abstract look of pain. "Oh."
"We've had fun, huh, Brenna? I just got a little tired is all."
Mulder's face turned anxious. "How about I stay and have some fun too?"
he asked, making it seem like a favor if she agreed, instead of him
helping her out.
She was perhaps a little too sick to be able to keep up with the energy
of a two-year old.
A slow grin spread across her face. "All right."
Mulder turned on his own, full watt smile. "Guess what Brenna? I'm going
to stay and play with you."
Brenna thought about this and then nodded. "Let's - let's watch Winnie
the Pooh."
Scully sighed and got up, then rewound the video.
Promptly Winnie the Pooh came on the television.
Mulder settled back into the couch, Brenna in his lap, and Scully beside
him, her warmth flush against his side.
She fell asleep again, thinking that she had never glimpsed Mulder as a
father before.
And it made her think that maybe, he'd be a good father to his children.
She wondered just who would be the mother of those children.
<I never though of you as a mother before, Scully.>
A smile was on her face in her sleep.
end
adios
RocketMan
(1/1)
Date: Tue, 28 Apr 1998 23:01:23 +0000
Author: RocketMan >[email protected]<
Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to CC, 1013, and Fox.
Rating: MSR, character death, (But please read anyway, it will be worth
it) Rated R for language and senstive material.
Dedicated to Greg Kuhl, because he has to go through this hell every day
of his life, and because he's still in love with his wife.
Gone
The words would always come to him when he looked at his front door. The
horrible way time had slowed down, the flickers of light playing on the
state trooper's face, the incredible coldness with which he had said
those words:
"Do you know a Dana Scully?"
They were forever etched in his memory, planted firmly in his ears,
heard like gunshots whenever he closed his eyes. He could not sleep
because of it, could not function.
Her mother seemed to understand, but at least she had the faith Mulder
lacked. At least she had the confidence.
Beside her bed, his mind remembered their door, the whiteness of it, the
faint weathering that had frustrated her because it was not perfect.
He remembered the little thrill of looking out the peephole to see who
had rung the bell -- first time in their new house.
He could smell the wood under his nose, the faint grainy tough of it on
his fingertips, magnified and intense as his mind started screaming at
him.
The trooper had looked all right, had seemed normal.
****
"Do you know a Dana Scully?"
A faint, dull 'yes' from him that begged to be told something good.
"What relation is she to you, sir?"
"My . . . my wife," came his choked answer. He could already see it on
the man's face.
"And a baby?" The trooper was fishing for information.
"A little girl, yes. Ours. Rebekah." Mulder could say nothing more,
could speak nothing more as time was unwound and spun slowly and
abusively.
"Sir, I have to tell you that your family was in a crash. The baby's
dead."
****
The vomit rose in him again and he rushed for the bathroom wedged into
the hospital room Scully occupied.
Nothing came up and he sat on the cold tile, dry-heaving, just as he had
done when the trooper had come.
****
Nothing.
Cold emptiness and then slowly, the vacuum filled.
"My baby, my baby, Oh God, what about my wife, what about my wife?"
****
He remembered nothing after that. He knew only that somehow, he'd been
in the hospital? or maybe first the trooped had taken him to Mrs.
Scully's to tell her . . . somehow Margaret had been informed, he still
remembered her statue-like denial.
****
"Fox! What a surprise. Dana didn't tell me you were coming. Where's my
little grand daughter, she here too?"
Mrs. Scully had ignored the terrible loneliness in his eyes and had
stepped past him, heading for the garage to see if they were there,
coming up the walk.
Mulder grabbed her arm.
Maybe she had seen the look of horror in his eyes, maybe she had seen
the trooper, maybe she just knew.
"She's . . ?"
"A wreck. . . Rebekah . . . oh, God, she's dead. She's dead."
The words had come in frightening sterility, no emotion in the voice,
simply a void in the eyes.
"Dana? What about-"
"She's in the hospital. Hospital. Not good, Mrs. Scully, she's not-"
"She'll be fine. She'll be fine."
****
It had become a mantra, a prayer, a demand.
Her hands were pale under the slight tan.
Her eyes were closed, permanently he feared.
Her body too small, too crushed. Broken bones in every limb, broken
ribs, broken body.
The thread of hate and anger rose again and he wished the man dead. The
man who had killed his baby girl, the fucking drunk bastard that had
taken out his family....
He slumped forward, wanting to only think good things, good things that
might emenate to her, make her come back.
He didn't hate her. He didn't blame her.
He didn't want her to pick up on any negativie emotion from him.
He held her and kissed her and spoke to her in a tightly controlled
voice that made him congratulate himself on his ability to act.
He apologized. He apologized every few minutes.
"Oh, Scully. I was so wrong. So wrong."
****
His beeper went off and he grabbed it, annoyed again.
How many times now had she beeped him?
Thirty?
He glanced at the number. Strange. Maybe a pay phone. Her four digit
code behind it:
1013.
He pulled over to a gas station pay phone and glanced at his beeper
again.
He paled.
911 after her code.
His panicked heart beat too fast, his hands sweat, his stomach lurched
into his mouth and he fumbled to pick up the phone.
"Mulder?"
"What's wrong?" he panted, taking no comfort from her voice.
"Oh, I just needed to-"
"Wait, is this an emergency?"
"Yes. For me it is. You don't return my pages, Mulder. I needed to talk
to you about this. Stop being so grouchy."
He heard the laughter in her voice but he was angry.
"Scully, I am at work now. Please don't make me panic like that when
it's not even a real emergency!"
"Mulder. I need to-"
"Scully. It can wait."
He heard the icy repsonse, felt it grip his heart.
"Fine. If you want to be that way, that's all right. I'll make the
decision without you."
And she refused to say more, refused to talk, even though it had been
her that had initaited it.
His frustration grew and he slammed down the phone, not even saying 'I
love you.' In all the years they'd been together, not including the
times they hadn't admitted to their love, they had never, never, hung up
without an 'I love you.' It was their own good-bye.
It was the last time he had talked to her.
****
"Fox?"
"Wha-" Mulder jerked as Mrs. Scully came in.
"You need to sleep."
"I can't. Not when she could die. Not without me."
"She won't."
"Rebekah did. Bekah was a baby, soft bones, able to withstand that sort
of thing. She died. She died, Mrs. Scully. She died. She died.-"
"Stop it Fox. I know she did. It hurts. It won't go away. You won't get
over it, ever. But it will lessen."
"I don't want it to! I have to remember, I have to feel!"
"Fox, you haven't slept in four days."
"Been there, done that." His reply was bitter.
"Sleep."
"No."
He wouldn't. He wouldn't. He wouldn't.
"Okay, fine. Kill yourself then."
"Maybe if I do, then at least I'll be able to see them. Hold Rebekah
again. Hold her but not dead, not so cold and limp."
He squeezed his eyes as the thoughts came back.
****
"Is this your daughter?"
The sheet covered her up to the neck, the small body was contorted.
His face was reflected back at him and he saw his own slovenly
appearance.
"Yes. Bekah."
A silence seemed to stretch on and he wished Dana were there, beside
him, supporting him, crying into his chest, making him strong for her.
She was up the stairs, a few floors above, fighting not to be stuck down
here too.
"Can I hold her?" came his small voice.
A medical examiner led him into a small room and then brought the body
of his baby girl in. She was so silent, so still; Bekah was always
fussy. She was alive.
Had been alive.
Tears ran down his face as he took her from the woman. He appreciated
her respect. She left.
He wished he could leave.
But Scully made him stay.
She made him sit there and rock their baby and sing the song she always
made him sing to her. He sat and rocked and stroked Bekah's face and saw
Scully in his mind. Her mouth forming the first words he had ever heard
about Bekah.
"Our miracle."
Miracle.
Dead now. There must not be a God. Must not. There couldn't be. For this
to happen, there couldn't be. Maybe he deserved it, but Dana definitely
did not.
If she lived, she'd be in this same hell.
It might even be worse for her. She had just as big a guilt complex as
he when it came down to it. She had been driving.
<I don't blame you,>
The baby, his baby, was still cold. Still limp. His touch had not
brought life back to her.
He had fooled himself into thinking it might.
But he didn't want to give her back.
****
"Fox, I'm going to get some coffee. Want any?"
"No."
Coffee made him nervous, jumpy, thinking that someone from their other
life had come after them. Made him think that a smoking man was behind
the deaths.
Death.
Scully was still alive, if not actually here.
"Dana? Please, wake up. Please, Scully. I can't do this. I can't. It
hurts too much. I love you too much."
He touched her cheek. Her brain was still swelling. A bolt was in her
head, measuring the cranial pressure.
He knew that if it got too high, higher than her arterial pressure,
she'd be dead. The blood wouldn't be able to make it up to her brain and
she'd be dead.
His finger smoothed over her forehead, wishing that his cold skin could
make her head stop swelling.
"You were always proud of yourself, Scully, but this is ridiculous."
The smile was for her benefit, if she perhaps suddenly woke up.
She didn't; he stopped smiling.
~~~~
"Maybe I have good news for you, Mr. Mulder."
He stiffened and looked around.
A doctor, one who had spent too much time in ICU to hegde things.
"So."
"So, the readings are saying her pressure has dropped slightly."
"Dropped?"
The glimmer of hope burst through him like fire. Burning, burning,
consuming him.
"A bit. Not enough, but a bit."
Mulder seemed to understand and his eyes shut down the hope, put water
over it so that it could only smolder.
"Okay. A bit."
"Yes."
The doctor left and Mulder stayed there, then ran his fingers along her
forehead again, wondering if maybe his touch had caused it. Did she
recognize his feel and want to get better?
"Come on, Scully. Come on."
He didn't know what else to say to her.
~~~~
"Her cranial pressure is fluctuating, but slowly dropping, Mr. Mulder.
However, it could be a very long time before she ever wakes up."
He paused and Mulder stared at him.
"Like . . . weeks? Months?"
"Years too."
Mulder felt the air escape from the room and he doubled over.
"Years?"
"Maybe."
He slumped to the couch in the waiting room, surprised when he realized
the doctor had managed to get him away from Scully.
"I'll be here . . . years?"
"She'll be here. You, on the other hand, have to go home and sleep."
"No."
"It's been two weeks. Yes."
Fury turned to the doctor.
"No."
He backed off. "Just letting you know."
Mulder shook his head, now certain that she would live, she would be
alive, come out of her coma *today*.
"Thanks. She'll wake up today though. She will."
The doctor was surprised. Mrs. Scully was there, shocked too. Mulder
hadn't given even a hint of hope that she would wake.
Mulder left.
~~~~
He was stroking her forehead, thinking good thoughts, lovely thoughts,
in her direction, when he noticed.
She was moving.
He had been telling her his memories of their love. The small things,
the movements, the contentment.
She was moving.
He held his breath.
"M . . .m . . r. . ."
"Scully, Scully, Scully ....."
She turned, softly, surely, opening her eyes.
His body, his soul, broke.
"Scully..."
"Bekah..." she murmured, her face instantly contorted with pain and
fear.
"Scully, she's gone. She's gone."
Her face was whiter that it had been previously, whiter than anything.
"Gone...."
He took her shaking hands.
He wrapped his arms around her, his tears finally falling.
"I thought you'd be gone too," he said.
He held onto her and they cried.
She hurt everywhere, but most of all, in her soul.
She hurt in her soul.
Another thing they could share.
"She's gone..." Scully finally sobbed.
"She's gone."
~~~~
end
adios
RM
Date: Fri, 17 Jul 1998 21:12:00 +0000
Author: RocketMan >[email protected]<
Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to CC, 1013, and Fox. No fringe is
intended. I promise to put them back to their proper places when I
finished.
Summary: Alternate Universe, MSR, maybe kind of weird at first. Minor
character death. This assumes a relationship rather than builds one.
Notes: This is a stupid, soap opera kind of story. Read at your own
risk.
~~~~~
Greek Tragedy
~~~~~
I watch his back as he thunders from the office, raining curses and
anger wherever he hits.
I shouldn't have said that.
I shouldn't have said a lot of things, but mainly, I shouldn't have said
*that.*
I sigh, twirl the pencil on his desk, wonder if he'll be coming back,
and if he does, I think it's probably best that I not be here.
I stand, cramped from sitting in his chair at the end of his desk for an
hour, my muscles complaining about lack of exercise all day today.
It is so quiet without Mulder's words wrapped around the office. It's
almost scary, with the absolute silence that has reigned ever since he
walked out.
It's like the little forest creatures got scared off and went into
hiding. I'm pretty sure there are forest creatures down here, it's just
that you don't notice them until they're gone.
I shuffle papers around, digging through his mess to find my own case,
wondering if Mulder truly does know where everything is. He couldn't
possibly.
It's even more silent when I close the door behind me and lock it with
the key he leaves for me.
A sharp click of the door, then the muffled tumblers as it secures.
I stop, breathe in tightly.
Man, this case sure does have me spooked. I see murderers everywhere.
Even in silence.
The killer will be back. He's not going to disappear forever. I know
that.
I try to convince myself I know this.
I sure feel it.
~~~~~
The door falls open and a pair of small, strong arms go around my legs
like manacles.
I smile, ruffle her hair, and shed my jacket and briefcase.
"How's my baby?" I say, lifitng her up.
Her bright eyes are huge, so big for such a small face. She kisses my
cheek and sneaks her arms around my neck, squeezing hard.
That's Jaimie's new thing, to try and see just how hard she can hug you.
"Oh. Baby. Good hug."
"Mommy, Daddy told me to tell you not to fight with him anymore because
it makes him mad."
I raise my eyebrows. "Daddy's here?"
"Did you hurt Daddy?"
I frown. "What else did Daddy tell you?"
He doesn't need to get Jaimes involved in all this. It was just a stupid
work fight.
"He told me to tell you that he didn't mean it."
I hear a muffled noise from the door leading to the kitchen and I slit
my eyes.
"He did huh?"
"And he said he loves you very very much and that-"
"I did not!"
I roll my eyes as Mulder bursts into the hallway, unable to contain
himself any longer. Jaimie giggles and spreads her arms for him to hold
her.
I watch him carefully.
"You're such a child, Mulder."
He shakes his head, grabs Jaimie from me, and heads toward the living
room. Jaimes watches over his shoulder, her frown a silent testament to
the wrongness here.
There's more than just a stupid work fight between us.
For the millionth time a though rockets around in me:
Mulder and I will never work out.
I'm glad it's something we never tried. I'm glad that he comes over for
the night and then goes back to his own home.
I wish I could separate myself from him entirely, but with Jaimes at the
center of both our lives, it's kind of hard.
He has his X-Files though, and that partner of his, Scully.
I don't think I could ever love Mulder like he really needs to be loved.
And it would hurt me too much to try.
"Hey, Lisa? Scully's coming over, if that's okay."
I sigh, wanting very dearly to never have to see any of them ever again,
but smile and shove off my heels.
"Sure, Mulder. You know Jaimes loves her."
That's the first thing that hurts me. That Jaimes and her are so close.
Like I could be shoved right out of the picture and it wouldn't even
matter.
But I'm her mother. I'm her mother.
"Mommy!"
"Yeah?"
"Will you make maccaroni and cheese?"
I drop my shoes next to the door, seeing that Mulder did the same. So
maybe he still respects me somewhat. He at least abides by the simple
rules I have--like no shoes on in the house.
"Yeah, you got it."
"YEAH!"
Her scream is deafening, and I'm sure Mulder's ears are ringing.
"Hey, Hey. Calm down, sweetheart."
"Can we all go see a movie, Mommy?"
I feel his eyes fall directly to me. "No, baby. But you can go with
Daddy and Dana, I don't mind."
"Are you sure Mommy?"
"Sure. Don't worry."
Jaimes, despite being only four, thinks that her parents should be
together, and every instance she gets, she tries to put us together. I
don't know what she thinks Dana is, some kind of best friend for her or
something. Because she loves Dana.
I have to keep telling myself. Mulder and I would never work.
I was angry, he was lonely and confused and needing her so bad, I had
just gotten into the X-Files because of her second disappearance. . .
and well, things had happened.
I'm ashamed to say they did. But I love my baby girl.
I respect Dana more than anyone I know. She forgave him.
They weren't together at the time, but they practically were.
And she forgave him.
When I found out how things were, when she came back, I was madder than
anything.
I have never forgiven him, and I never will.
I still haven't forgiven myself.
I watch as Mulder comes back into the kitchen, annoyance on my face as
his shoes squeak.
I wish he'd just take them off in the house for once.
~~~~~
"Mulder . . . are you sure this is a good idea?" Scully says and casts a
sharp glance to me.
"No. Seriously. You guys go. Jaimes wants to go and I frankly didn't
want to have to take her. I'm not really in to Disney."
It's meant as a sort of insult to Mulder, because he's always been
enthralled by Disney, and of course, Dana catches it.
She smiles at me.
Even though I just insulted her man. Her man.
That's pretty funny. She probably wants to kill me, truly.
Jaimes runs in, her feet tapping with excitement as she jumps solidly
into my lap.
I can see Mulder in her every time she's excited. Same half hoping look,
same eyes, same sharp smell of something more.
I can see that Scully sees it too.
They all get on their coats, pull Jaimie's sharply around her, making
faces, laughing, being a family.
Then they leave.
It's at these times, in these after moments, when I realize one
important thing.
I don't want Mulder.
And I don't want to live like Scully does, constantly putting up with
his crap, his mistakes, his accidents.
Like Jaimes.
Jaimie is my child, and I love her, and I would do it all over again to
have her.
Sometimes I think it would be better though, if I just gave Jaimie to
them, let them start their own life instead of being halfway in mine all
the time.
It's been a lot better since I left the X-Files and started up with the
VCS, except for the occassional time where I have to call on his
wonderful mind to solve something for us.
Mulder sees Jaimes every day; she spends every other weekend with him.
But I can't stand this almost relationship, this almost hurt, almost
love.
I'm pretty sure Dana doesn't like it either.
When she got back, when they dropped her back out of the sky, I was
there when Mulder ran in and held her, took her up in him like she was
the only thing that made him live.
I died that day, and I wish it had been a clean break, but that keeps
re-opening, keeps festering because Mulder never leaves.
He just won't leave.
I thought he would spend the first few months trying to pretend, then
eventually get sick of being a Daddy and leave me alone, let me get over
not having him anymore.
But Mulder never shirks his obligations, never gives up on the things he
loves.
And he loves Jaimie.
Selfishly, I wish he didn't.
~~~~~
When they get back, Mulder takes Jaimes in to her room, while Dana
stands in the kitchen with me, watching as I place the top crust on the
apple pie I started.
When things start to hurt, I start to bake.
"Thanks, Lisa."
I look up to her, startled, wondering exactly what she wants to thank me
for. I'm the one who basically ruined her life, I'm the one who makes
Mulder mad all over again, I'm the one that just won't go away.
"What for?"
She smiles. "For letting him be a father. He needs that. It would kill
him if he thought he was turning into *his* father."
I don't know much about Mulder's family. Only that his sister was taken
and his mom and dad were sort of reticent with him.
"Yeah. Yeah, it's okay. Jaimes needs a father."
I turn to her, the look on my face letting her know that I don't do this
because I'm hoping to try and win Mulder back or anything.
"Um, Lisa?"
"Yeah."
"I'm sorry about . . . well, about me, I guess."
What? That he loves you more than life itself and if he had to pick
between my daughter and you, he'd pick you?
Are you sorry for that?
"I'm sorry that I'm always here, always in your way, I guess. I don't
mean to be . . . rude or -"
"Look. Dana. I know he loves you. Too bad I didn't know that earlier,
but I do know now. What we all are right now, crazy and confused as it
is, it works. I don't hate you, I don't hate how this is. I may hate
Mulder a little sometimes, but this is okay. I'm just hoping he'll get
tired of it."
Her face shows shock, a kind of look I've never seen on her before.
"Get tired of it?"
"Yeah, I didn't think he would."
I give her a kind of smile, let her know I'm kidding a little.
I pause.
If she's talking so openly, maybe I can too.
"Dana. If Jaimes bothers you, please, please let me know. Tell me, okay?
Because she loves you a lot."
Her face grows soft.
"I love her too, Lisa. Maybe not like you can, being her mother. But
she's Mulder's . . . and she's just Jaimes, and she's adorable."
I nod. Correct answer.
She is Jaimie. No matter who her father is, I needed Dana to love her
for being Jaimes.
"Do you think you'd mind if Jaimes spent the night with me?"
I look up, see Mulder's bright eyes and the little girl clutching
tightly to him.
Dana goes over, taps her nose lightly.
They're a true family.
I don't know why I didn't, couldn't, see it before.
"Yeah. Go ahead."
This is the perfect time, perfect opportunity.
I love Jaimes, and she needs stability.
Not an on again, off again family.
Mulder and I will never work.
He looks at me, his face puzzled. "Where did you get that shirt hanging
over Jaimie's bed?"
"What shirt?"
"It looks like a man's shirt."
You've got to be kidding me. He's not jealous is he? No, not that. Just
concerned I'd expose Jaimie to it.
"It's probably an old one of Gramps. He lets Jaimie play in them."
It seems to satisfy him.
I wince as his shoes squeak across the kitchen floor toward me. Jaimie
leans down and gives me a kiss.
I smile good-bye.
Finally, some quiet.
After they've left, I hear an odd noise.
It seems to echo.
I glance to the door.
Shoes.
A man's shoes.
And they're not Mulder's.
Mulder never did take his off.
~~~~~
~~~~~
Mulder walked up the stairs Saturday morning, a bit concerned because he
had tried calling Lisa, and no one had answered.
He just assumed she was in bed.
He had waken up Scully and they had met at her building though. Probably
not needed, but he had this bad feeling in him.
He used Jaimie's key to the apartment to unlock the door, shifting her
on his shoulder as she slept.
Scully pushed the door open.
"Oh no....."
Mulder shoved past her, ignoring the hand put out to stop him, ignoring
the twisted look of horror on her face.
He stopped dead still in the midst of chaos.
Lisa had never really been neat, but this was a hurricane.
This was a robbery.
The television was gone, the VCR, the microwave and computer and even
her laptop.
He felt Jaimie stiffen.
"Mommy!" she screamed and wiggled in Mulder's arms, shoving at him with
the force of a child's world ripping apart.
He took her in his arms, close to his chest, and turned around.
Behind them, close to the door with her hands stretched for escape, laid
Lisa.
A bloody, horrifying mess.
He cradled Jaimie's head to him, closed her eyes and whispered to her,
trying to dispel the image of her dead mother.
Scully shook, taking small steps toward Lisa and shoving back her tears
with an angry hand. She checked for a pulse and found nothing, then
pulled out her cell phone and called the police.
In a soft voice, Scully related the information, then turned toward
Mulder.
"Isn't this like the case she was working on?"
Mulder's face froze.
"Yes. Same method. Oh my gosh, I was trying to help her on that. We
fought and I ran out and we never got anything accomplished. If I had
just stayed, maybe we would have gotten the suspect, maybe-"
"Mulder. Stop. You're scaring Jaimie."
He pulled Jaimes closer to him, buried his face in her hair.
"Let's go outside, Jaimes."
~~~~~
With Jaimie curled up tight on the couch, her small body taking up a
small amount of space, he read over the will.
"Did she know?"
Scully looked up at him from her careful watch of Jaimie.
"Know what?"
"I mean, her lawyer told me she had just gotten this changed. Like a
week before. She was going to let Jaimie go to her parents. But she
chose us. Not just me. You too."
Scully shrugged. "I think she knew we'd do a good job. We're more
familiar to Jaimes anyway."
Mulder sighed, ran a hand over his eyes, then looked at her.
"We're a family. And I'm going to make sure this family works."
In her sleep, Jaimie smiled.
~~~~~
end
it was awful, wasn't it?
Adios
(1/1)
Author: RocketMan >[email protected]<
Disclaimer: "The Sound of Silence" belongs to Simon and Garfunkel;
Mulder and Scully belong to Chris Carter and Gillian Anderson and David
Duchovny.
Notes: an Angst, Vignette, thing happening. Inspired by Carol Gritton
telling me that her awesome da bomb story--The Beggar--was inspired by a
Simon and Garfunkel song.
PRE-SLEEPLESS--which is the episode before the Duane Barry thing.
Hello Darkness (1/1)
<Hello Darkness my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left it's seed while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
It still remains
In the sound of silence>
<Hello.......>
I hear my soft, hoarse voice whisper across the emptiness where
something better should be.
<Hello......darkness....>
<My old friend.....>
There is darkness all around me, and there will always be darkness I'm
afraid.
<Afraid....>
That's it. I'm afraid. I'm so freaking scared I can't even see straight.
I'm stupid pyschologist and I can't even see what was right ion front of
me all this time.
Her.
I screwed up so bad, Darkness. I wanted to grab her and shake her and
tell her there was no way they were splitting us up, or maybe I wanted
to kiss that crushed, defeated look right off her face.
I wanted to scream out that they had no right to split us up. I could
care les about wire tap duty, I just need *her*.
And now there's just this darkness. I'm so afraid that she'll never want
to come back to the X-Files, to me, now that she has had a taste of the
real life, the safe life. I'm staying as far from her as possible. I
don't want to remind her of me. If I did, then she might decide to never
somce back.
But she set up that garage meeting.
She contacted me first, Darkness. She knew just how to do it too. The
Samantha picture. She knew enough about me to know what would catch my
eye. And she was smart enough not to come speak to me directly.
If she wants a life without me, then I won't mess up her chances now, by
talking with her in public.
But how I want to.
Oh man, you don't understand, Darkness. I want to have everyone see is
together. I guess it's some kind of male pride. I hear them talk about
her, make fun of this one guy who appraoched her and was blown away by
her iciness. And I want to walk right up to her and hug her and just
know that they're watching and laugh in their faces.
But, Darkness, as I said before, I don't want to ruin her chances.
Scully seen with Spooky could be detrimental to her career, not to
mention her health.
I am walking down this hall again Darkness, and I know why but I can't
stop it.
I know she'll be walking by in a few seconds. Everyday at this same time
in Quantico, I try to be here, in this hall.
Just so I can see her. I don't let her see me.
Better to sever the tie quick and fast. Like ripping off the band-aid
from your leg quickly to minimize the pain.
But I have to see her.
There she is!
<It's not so dark anymore......>
Scully.......I can feel her presence in the hall, that air of confidence
and skill. I can smell her light perfume, not the heavy stuff, but the
flowery fragrance of jasmine and clovers.
She is turning, why is she turning? She never turns.....never....just
keeps walking and never looks back-
She saw me staring at her.
She's walking over here and........and she has a huge smile on her face.
She's smiling.
For me.
I smile.
"Mulder!" she says and hugs me, tightly and friendly. Liks she had just
been thinking of me and is pleasantly surprised at my appearance.
"Scully..."
"Mulder, I just knew you were here today. Actually though, I thought you
were here yesterday too, but I didn't see you."
"I was here," I say softly.
Her face falls somewhat, like she is hurt personally.
"Why didn't you come see me?"
"I didn't think you'd want me to.." I say honestly.
"Mulder! Of course I want to see you. We're still friends, right?"
My smile has got to be longer than the hallway. "Of course! Great! I
thought you might be too busy......" I lie this time.
"Oh never too busy. It's boring, Mulder. Very boring. I always find
myself wondering if the next group of students will ever see the stuff
I've seen. And then I wish we were back together."
<Wish we were back together...>
"You do?"
She smiles and it's like heavenly sunlight. I want to kiss her.
"Mulder....I'm not quitting the X-Files. No way. No matter what
happens."
Her words make me shiver and I don't know why.
<No matter what happens.....>
I smile and she says we need to eat lunch.
Of course I suggest Chinese and she opts for the Wall Street Deli.
She always gets her way and today is no exception.
We are sitting in our regular chairs, at our regular table, only outside
Quantico, not in D.C. I smile as she wrinkles her nose and reads the
menu, even though she has read it a thousand times.
I lean forward and take her hand.
Maybe, my old friend......you will leave me now.
Because with us split up, there are other more interesting
possibilities.
And that smile of hers is like heavenly sunlight.
end.
was it all right?
adios
RocketMan
(1/1)
Date: Fri, 25 Jul 1997 04:57:19 EDT
Author: RocketMan >[email protected]<
Post-Unruhue
Notes: Scully investigates the pyschological, it affects her. Harmless
V.
Disclaimer: These characters belong to CC, Fox, and 1013, except for
Jeremy who belongs to himself.
Distribute anywhere.
Dedicated to Jeremy, who conquered his fear of speaking to us today, to
keep us from the path of destruction he had wandered down.
Howlers (1/1)
****Scully****
I watched him come in and wondered what he would say when I asked to
come along. Would it be obvious what I was trying to do, or would he
think I was getting clingy after the whole thing with the howlers?
"Mulder..."I said, eyeing his sharp suit and horrid tie.
"Um, huh?" he said, looking up from the file in his hand to peg me with
a see-all, know-all gaze.
"You know that special pysch thing you have to attend today?"
"Umm......no." he said, tilting his head and blinking as if trying to
dig up from his memory if something like that had ever been discussed.
"The class on treating suspects, victims, and witnesses who have drug
problems? You know, kind of a sensitivity class?"
He was still blank.
"Mulder, do you ever read your mail?"
He shot me a sharp smile. "Why should I, when I have you to read it for
me?"
I frowned and sighed, but really I was embarrassed. Score one for
Mulder.
"Here, hold on, let me look." he mumbled, making ammends.
He riffled through some of his messy desk drawers until he found a stack
that evidently warranted a second look.
"Ah, here it is." he said and quickly scanned the contents.
He let out a moan of long suffering boredom and then said, "Why do you
ask, are you going to get me out of it?"
I shook my head. "No, I was wondering if I could come too."
The look on his face said - why? - but he didn't ask because he knew I
would not answer. Some things were too personal, and he respected that.
"Well, sure, Scully. It's a date." he said, putting a spin on it so that
it looked like he had gained a favor from me, rather than the opposite.
I was grateful to him for that.
****Mulder****
At the meeting I sat next to Scully and watched as she settled herself
daintily in the chair, knowing that there would be a long-winded speech
on drugs and abuse. The thing was supposed to be a re-training kind of
class for the pysch majors to teach them to pick up on the signs of
substance abuse from co-workers, and how to deal with that. They were
going to have a speaker that would explain what abuse did and the
symptoms, etc. It was something they had every few months to make sure
that the FBI stayed conscious of the growing drug problems. I tried to
miss as many as I could. The others had noticed and given me a hard to
time for coming that day.
I watched as she closed her eyes for a second and collected herself,
just as she did every morning before we started a case on the road, just
as she did each night when work was finally done. I knew it was a way
for her to prepare her soul for what she must do and what she had just
done.
I thought it was cute. Her nose wrinkled and her eyes fluttered a little
under her lids and her breath slowed.
Then the man who ran these things stood up and intrduced his speaker.
"This is going to be a little different today. The speaker we have is a
former drug user and, well, alcoholic. He goes around and talks to youth
groups and church gatherings, telling his testimony. Please welcome
Jeremy."
The applause was polite and soft and the man stood, taking a long
swallow of water. He began to speak and I looked to Scully once again
wondering why she was here.
"Hello. My name's Jeremy, as he said. I'm 22 and have been clean and
sober for ah...seventeen months, three weeks and four days." he said
proudly.
Another polite round of clapping.
<Has she come with me because of the report I read? The one where she
said that never before had she had to delve into the minds of the
killers or monsters we tracked.>
That case where she had to stall the guy so he wouldn't kill her had
been ugly, leaving her bare and vulnerable. I could see it in her eyes
when I had found her. She had been using pyschology to stall the man,
thinking she would have to convince him not to kill her, thinking she
was doomed.
"Well, when I was ten I......I first had some marijuana." My head
snapped up and I watched the man, whose voice seemed to be hypnotic. I
saw that he was ready to cry and I frowned, trying to figure out where
he was going.
"I....I got it from my mom." he said quietly, his voice dipping low
until the pain and ache within him was evident in his very movements. I
felt my heart stir.
"My...my parents divorced," he said slowly, the story no less painful
every time he said it. "And the only memory I have of them
together.....isn't......isn't pleasant. I saw
them....phys-phys-physically fighting. I mean this was like fists and
I-I-I called "stop, stop" and ran over to get between them. I mean this
was my mom and dad! I-I 'member feeling them pushing against me and then
I was......" Jeremy stopped and shifted on the floor, unconfortable
telling his story but knowing that we needed to hear it.
"I was thrown across the room......it was an accident of
course......that's my memory of them together....."
I looked to Scully. She was crying soft silent tears that slipped down
her face and over her cheeks. I stiffened and pretended I hadn't
noticed. What am I supposed to do for that?
****Scully****
I watched Jeremy's pain overwhelm him until he could not even speak and
I wanted to hold him, to pull him to me and cry with him for the hurt
that was in him. I looked to Mulder and he was stiff and stonelike; I
wondered if this was hitting too close to home for him. His family life
hadn't been pleasant.
Jeremy began to speak again. "I was in a private school, I was baptized
and went to church because of my grandparents....I was basically good.
But I began to go bad. My family life was dirt and I wanted to get away.
At first I just drank because the others were, then it was to help me
sleep. I couldn't get to sleep because of the guilt weighing down on me,
so I drank more to pass out and fall asleep. Then it was a need. I had
to drink, to do drugs, to escape the reality of my life, of the trash I
had turned it into."
I was crying. I couldn't help it. His testimony was too powerful, his
pain too fresh for me not too. I wanted to run up and hide him from the
stares of every person there, to comfort him and hold him. I hated that
this had happened to him and I wanted to do something to make it go
away.
And then, halfway during his speech I saw Mulder pale visibly. He bolted
from the room without even an apology or excuse and I wondered what
nerve Jeremy had struck in him.
I looked at Jeremy, at the tears running down his face and rose quietly
to find Mulder.
****Mulder****
Scully came in and I gave her a watery smile, wishing she hadn't
followed me. I had heard all Jeremy had said and only later had I
realized that he was describing my life perfectly. The abusive parents,
"it was an accident of course." It was an accident, the first time. The
second too, but the third, while not physical, was just as bad. My
father's words coming back to me as I sat in that too small room, I
realized that I was lucky. Lucky to have someone like Scully to save me
every time I got suicidal.
Because Jeremy had been there and was now going through the nation
talking about substance abuse and the horribleness of prison, I was here
in the lobby of some office trying not to let Scully see my tears.
She did anyway and as always, she came up to me and frowned. She always
frowned when she didn't know what she should do.
But she surprised me.
She reached up and took my face in her hands and pulled my head down to
her. I let out a great sigh and sobbed like a child onto her shoulder.
She murmured to me and moved us to the hard chairs of the lobby and held
me.
I needed that so much.
****Scully****
I could tell he needed it. I watched his eyes fog and his face crumple
when he turned to me and I gave into my maternal instincts and pulled
him to me. All I had wanted to do was learn more about the criminal
mind, to prepare myself for any future criminal that I would have to
face. I didn't necessarily want the hell Mulder had, but I did want to
be able to deter one from killing me. That incident with the howlers had
shaken me a lot.
But here I had dragged Mulder to this and he was about to fall apart. I
was glad he had gotten it out of him finally. The pain he had in him was
so great, I didn't think anything could bring it out.
Maybe he was starting to heal. With the help of 22 year old Jeremy,
Mulder had started to confront his own howlers.
"It's okay Mulder." I said and felt him shudder.
"It was just like he said..." he whispered. "An accident.....I felt so
hopeless, Scully, so hopeless about my life. It was my fault and I
couldn't even help get her back........an accident....."
I shook my head and held him tighter. "Mulder, it's okay. You didn't do
that to her. You are not hopeless....not at all..." I said, not sure how
I could help.
I simply pulled him closer and smoothed his hair, running my hand down
his back in comforting circles.
"I think you're going to be all right Mulder. This is good. You needed
to let it out." I said, hoping to encourage him.
"Thanks Scully. For..."he shrugged awkwardly and I smiled as he pulled
away.
"No problem, Mulder. What are friends for?"
He gave me another watery smile and his face seemed lighter, as if my
comment about being his friend was the one thing that had encouraged
him.
"Mulder.........You know I'd do anything for you, right?" I said,
needing to let him know how much he meant to me, and he needing to know
that he wasn't an emotional drain.
He looked at me a long time and then pulled me into his strong arms,
seeking to reassure me that he was okay.
I think he was finally ready to deal with his howlers.
Or the howlers had overwhelmed him until he had to deal with them.
In any case, Mulder was healing.
I thanked God for Jeremy.
end.
well that was partly true. Jeremy talked with my youth group and made my
friend cry because she related to what he said, the hopelessness.
everythng that Jeremy said in this story was what he told us basically.
It was moving and I wanted so much to reach out and comfort him, as
Scully did in this, when he paused and had to stop when it hurt too
much.
This is a tribute to all the people who have beaten the howlers,
overcome drugs and alcohol and are clean and sober.
adios
RocketMan
Title:
Hungry (1/1)Date: Fri, 10 Apr 1998 17:49:20 +0000
Author: RocketMan >[email protected]<
Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to CC, 1013, and Fox. No
infringement is intended.
Hungry
===========================
"who understand better than i
the hunger in old bones
for a son? so here we are
abraham with his faith
and i my fury. . ."
--Lucille Clifton, "sarah's promise"
===========================
(Twenty years prior)
The days were too long for her anymore and weakness was a way of life.
She could not change her clothes or even rise from the bed and every
move she made caused trembles to climb her old bones.
It made her furious.
He came to her every night, half expecting her to be all right, half
dreading her to be dead. His eyes would blindly seek hers and his hand
would tremble with hers and they would say nothing. Those times were the
only things she lived for.
Mornings found her gasping in air and floundering on the bed, nightmares
racking her frame and his arms around her in a vain attempt to ward of
the feverish visions.
Then, at about six or so, she would wake and push his arms away and make
him swear to go to work, to continue without her. She would joke and say
she would be back so he'd better not be making a mess of things.
She joked, but she would not be back.
She was already dead in many ways. Her eyes no longer opened very far
and her skin was spotted, mottled, as if ready to be shed for the
heavenly body. She couldn't breathe very well and her heart beat only
when necessary. He would nod bravely and wind up at the Hoover building
in a rumpled suit and hollowed out cheeks and sit at his desk staring at
nothing.
Then it was back to her apartment and in her arms and breathing in the
staleness of sweaty sheets and clammy skin and dying cells.
One afternoon, she picked up the phone and called him and talked for an
hour, and gave him the tiny hope that she was getting stronger, that her
strange disease would not claim her.
The night stole over him and he placed the case file he'd been
consulting on in the Out tray and dashed for her place.
She was blue and unconscious and he wondered for a panicked moment if
she was already dead.
She was revived and started on oxygen and given some pain medication and
sent to the hospital, but of course, the doctors had no clue as to what
was wrong and no idea where the strange disease was coming from.
It made him sick to his stomach, sitting there in the hard brown chair
next to her bed, knowing that this time, there would be no magic cure,
no chip to put in her neck to save her, no miracle.
She knew it too.
But she wouldn't give up.
He wanted to marry her, make love to her until she died in sweet
oblivion, until she was sailing toward heaven on the sea made of his
love.
She was a wave, dashing excitedly above the ocean, swelling, swirling,
furious, then suddenly falling, failing, crashing into the shore.
"Mulder?"
He scooted closer to her on the bed, coming right up to her face so she
could see him; her eyesight was getting worse every day.
Her hands clutched for him and he held on tightly, as if this could give
her life back.
"Mulder, I want a child."
It was an odd request coming from a woman who couldn't even stand, let
alone carry a child in her womb for nine months.
"Please . . ."
"Scully. . . I wish I could give you that." he whispered, stroking the
side of her face with a soft hand.
She sort of smiled and shook her head, causing a brief pain to lance
through her body. The medication was working tolerably, but it couldn't
get everything.
He fuzzed and she rubbed her eyes. "No . . . I got a call. Someone
promised."
"Promised what?"
"All I had to do was say yes. I didn't say anything. I -"
She stopped to cough hard into the pillow, her body tightening and
raising up with every explosion out.
"I wanted to tell you first. On the phone, I couldn't say it. I can now.
I want a child, Mulder."
"Scully. It's just not possible."
Dana's head slipped down and her eyes slipped closed and her hand
slipped from his. "No, you don't get it." she whispered.
"Save your breath, Scully. Shhh..."
She sighed and he could tell the morphine was making her slip away.
"She promised I'd be all right if I had a baby."
Mulder's eyebrows flew up as she finally fell into sleep.
He laid beside her and tried to feel her heart beating through the thin
fabric of the hospital gown. Still weakly floundering.
He drew her into his arms and stroked her cheek.
"I wish I could give it to you," he whispered and kissed her forehead.
He was hungry for her.
~~~~~~~~~~
(Now....circa 2020)
Isaac slammed his fist into the table and let his head slump down,
pushing the Calculus text away. He hated not being able to even read the
stupid thing, let alone try and understand it.
He heard his little sister shriek at the television and his mother's
voice on the phone with his father.
Swallowing his tough pride, he stood and grabbed the book angrily,
pushing out of his bedroom and into the kitchen. He was on Spring Break
leave at his parent's house, and trying not to be annoyed at the huge
Calculus text coming up.
His mother spotted him and she turned a bright encouraging smile on him,
her grey red hair swinging a bit as she watched his furious face.
She said good-bye to his father and hung up.
"What's up, Isaac?"
He growled and she gave him a little smile. He knew she liked the noise;
she said he sounded like his father.
"I need you to read this to me."
"Is it getting worse, Zac?"
He didn't want to worry her and he didn't want to move back home. He
liked college and usually his girlfriend read things to him when it got
bad.
"No. It's Cal and it's hard enough muddling through the words to try and
understand it too." he lied.
She nodded and took the book, then pushed him to the kitchen table to
sit down.
"You have your notebook with you?"
"Yeah. I transcribe the notes from the recorder like you suggested. It
really helps because I have to be so slow about it that I can't help but
remember everything."
She smiled. "Your father's memory again." she said and ruffled his hair,
just liked he hated.
"Okay. Where do I start?" she asked as she sat down.
He pointed out the page and the paragraph and attempted to listen.
~~~
Dana stood next to the sink as Mulder brushed his teeth and spat.
"I think it's getting worse, Mulder. His dyslexia is really becoming a
bad problem."
"Our fault though, huh?" he said with a sad grimace.
She bit her lip. "He manages though. Bekah called me once and told me
that she was having to read to him a lot more recently. He's having
really bad nightmares too, Mulder."
Mulder nodded. "Sounds like the disease again."
Her hands balled into fists. "I thought it would be longer than this. I
thought we would have more time."
"Scully, we're going to have to tell him. Let him know the warning signs
so he can look for them. I mean, he's already had the cancer. He got
better; he pulled through. He can do it again."
She nodded and slipped into his arms. "I wish we didn't have to tell
him."
"I wish sometimes that this had never happened."
She stiffened and pulled away.
He shook his head. "No, I don't mean this. I mean the disease. I'm glad
we have Isaac and Abby, that we have us. I just wish it didn't have to
happen like this."
She took his fingers and spread them along her palm. "I know."
He smoothed her skin and kissed her softly. "We'll get Bekah to come
over tonight and then we'll tell him."
"What if he doesn't want Bekah to know?" she said, eyes raising.
His jaw worked under his muscles. "Remember those first few months when
you tried to hide it from me? Remember how miserable it was for you and
me?"
She sighed. "You have a point."
"I'm not letting him even have the chance to screw up like we did." he
said, lifting his eyes to show he was teasing her.
"I think we did all right."
"After screwing things up."
She smacked his arm. "It wasn't that bad."
They both fell silent and looked ashamedly at each other.
It *was* that bad.
~~~~
Bekah was trying to get Isaac to come out of his room but he was too
ashamed to face her.
He curled up on his bed and moved his long limbs closer to him. The
entire story had been unbelievable, yet the honest scary truth.
How could his parents have done such a thing? And passed on this disease
knowingly to their child.
He remembered being three years old and slow because of some defects in
his heart and the surgery to repair his tricuspid valve. He remembered
the pain and the shame of that and he had only been three.
Yet his parents had decided to sacrifice any normal life he might have
had so that they could try some kind of random, practically hopeless
cure to make her better.
He wasn't so sure he wanted to be alive.
His mind shuddered with the idea. His super-conscience mother
purposefeully becoming pregnant and then taking drugs to alter *his*
chemistry, *his* DNA, to make her well.
Yet, he couldn't really say it was completely wrong either.
Had they asked him, he probably would have said yes, though, right?
He heard Bekah become disgusted with him and leave.
He needed some time alone, time to absorb the utter strangeness of his
discovery.
He heard a light knock and almost snarled.
When he heard his sister's little voice, he was glad he hadn't.
He sat up and opened the door to let Abby inside. She was three and
thought she knew everything, especially since she would soon be four.
"Zachie, are you going to stay in here all night?" she whined, climbing
up on his bed while he shut the door.
"Maybe so, Abigail."
She pouted and leaned over to kiss his chin when he sat down beside her.
"Will you be all right?"
"Yeah, I'll be fine. I just needed to stop thinking for a few hours."
"Stop thinking?"
"Yeah, Abby. It's like when you're about to fall asleep and things get
very far away."
She nodded and smiled, understanding what he meant.
He smiled back, hoping that his beautiful little sister didn't get this
disease.
He'd had cancer in eighth grade and it had been hellish, but he'd gotten
through it, with Bekah and his parents and friends.
He didn't want Little Abby going through that.
"So Abby, you want to be bored and stay in here with me for awhile?"
Abby adored her older brother, clung to him whenever she could. He knew
she would stay.
"Can I?" she asked, sounding surprised. He realized he'd been in a
pretty awful mood lately.
"Yup. Just don't hurt anything."
She nodded solemnly and tucked her hands under her legs.
He laid down and sighed, closing his eyes. Maybe if he fell alseep,
things would look better and his head wouldn't throb so much.
He was jerked awake a second later by Abby, who had curled up close to
him and put her cold fingers on his neck.
He smiled and kissed her hair, then put his arm around her.
She smiled and gave him a raspberry and then closed her eyes.
"Abby will be very quiet," she whispered.
He laughed and patted her back. "That's good little baby."
She made him feel like maybe it was worth everything.
~~~~
Dana opened the door softly to see them tangled together, Abby so small
and blonde while Isaac was so big and brown. Mulder came up behind her
and let out a little laugh.
"Aww....don't they look cute together?" he said and placed his hands on
her shoulders.
Bekah came in behind them and slipped into the room to wake them up.
She had a camera with her and snapped their picture as she sort of
laughed.
Scully came over and shook Isaac's shoulder as Bekah handed the camera
back to Mulder.
"He's going to be a wonderful daddy someday," Bekah said softly to her.
Scully smiled and sat down, pulling a sleepy Abby into her arms.
"Abby, baby, wake up now."
Isaac groaned and rolled to a sitting position, blinking up at Bekah
with a goofy look of embarassment on his face. "Please tell me I dreamed
my horrible behavior." he said, grinning at her.
Bekah smiled and sat down in his lap, kissing his nose. "Nope." she said
with a huge grin.
Abby snuggled against Scully's shoulder and yawned. It was pretty much
her bed time anyway.
She stood and let Bekah and Isaac stay perched on the bed. Mulder took
Abby from her arms and gave his daughter a big kiss.
"Hey baby, good job. Look, Zac's all better, huh?"
Abby smiled and waved goodnight to the rest of her family while Mulder
took her out, Dana following behind.
Abby was asleep on her feet as they changed her into pajamas and pulled
her into bed.
Abby kissed her parents and fell back asleep immediately.
Mulder took Scully's hand and smiled. "I think everything's going to be
all right. All we have to do is stick around long enough to see our
littlest grow up, huh?"
Dana grinned wryly. "That'll be a challenge in and of itself."
"Ah, we're not that old."
She grinned. "No, I'm not. But you are, old man."
He wrinkled his nose at her. "But I'm just in the prime of life."
"You wish."
"Ah, stop teasing the old man; he can't take it. Might have a stroke on
you."
"If he doesn't stop trying to fool around all the time, he just might."
He grinned wickedly. "I can't help it if I'm young at heart."
She grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly, suddenly bringing herself
back to the truth.
"I'll never regret what we did Mulder." she said in a tense and urgent
voice.
He shook his head. "I won't either, Scully. And I don't think Isaac
could really blame us. He's a good kid."
She nodded and watched the moon keeping firm hands on her little girl.
"Whatever happens to him, whatever the disease does, he'll make it."
His voice was rough.
"He has a lot more to live for than I thought I did." she added.
"What do you mean?"
"All I had left was you, Mulder. And back then, we were pretty strained.
I had no idea what would happen to us. It was all a huge taboo almost. I
couldn't get enough energy to tell you I loved you, and you couldn't
bring yourself to say it to a dying woman. We were both afraid to hurt.
But Bekah's not. Bekah was here for his cancer and the other problems.
She knows and she openly loves him, Mulder. All we had was a tenous
faith."
"We got through despite my cowardice," Mulder mused.
She nodded. "Despite everything. And that's pretty amazing."
He took her hands in his and led her out of Abby's room, whispering to
her, "I think *you're* pretty amazing."
She smiled her lazy-cat smile and closed her eyes. "Thanks, old man."
His rough hands drifted down her sides, then to her hips. He had that
look in his eyes again: I can't believe I have all of this.
She stood on her tiptoes and kissed his nose, just as Bekah had done to
Isaac. "Let's go to bed, Mulder."
He nodded and followed her to the bedroom; he was hungry.
He was glad he had given her what she had wanted.
In the end, he had gotten exactly what he wanted too.
~~~~
end
adios
RM