Announcer: Tonight we bring you another thrill-packed and exciting adventure of..."The WENN Files." When "The WENN Files" was last in progress, Sherwood and Roberts were just finishing up answering a question.
Sherwood: Continuing the final question from last week, Mallory of Texas asked, "Why on EARTH do they keep the Exciting Bald Nazi Spy, Vic-man, on the show?"
Roberts: Texas? I didn't think our signal went that far. Perhaps Mallory receives "The WENN Files: The Journal" - a free service brought to you, the reading public.
Sherwood: (impatiently) Anyway, Victor came back...to make my life a living hell!
Roberts: (shocked) Scott!!!
Sherwood: Okay, a living heck.
Roberts: (defensively) Victor didn't know about you. Remember that letter of reccomendation?
Sherwood: Well... So! My life has been a living heck. I'm stuck working as an actor... I can't come up with devious schemes... And if I do, Victor has to help me out! And I have no idea how he feels about you, Roberts. But those arm rubs!
Roberts: Let's move on to another question. This one comes from Marianne in California. "Actually, Roberts or Sherwood can answer this question since they were both in the Green Room at the time. The question I have is: Who cut Pruitt's hair between Betty saying "Buy Barley futures" and Pruitt getting shot? He definitely spent some time in the barber's chair between "Happy Homecomings" and "Some Time, Some Station." Was it Victor, Betty, Scott, or someone who shall remain nameless? The truth is out there..."
Sherwood: The truth IS out there! But now, the truth is in here. And I will assure you that I did not touch a hair on Pruitt's head.
Roberts: Well, Marianne, in Pittsburgh there is a strange phenomenom called "sweatitis." It only affects rich, fat men. It turns out that when they sweat profusely, like Pruitt was doing that evening, their hair begins to shrink. Something to do with the atmosphere, the coal dust...and all that lovely stuff in the air. I also have a suspicion that it has something to do with the type of hair products that they use.
Sherwood: Roberts, where do you come by this information? I've never heard of "sweatitis" before.
Roberts: Perhaps if you read a newspaper, you might be more literate. There was a huge article in The Pittsburgh Gazette not two weeks ago.
Sherwood: Roberts, I do read the newspaper. I didn't see anything like that in the paper.
Roberts: (rummaging noise) Oops. I think I was wrong. I read about that in The Daily Globe.
Sherwood: Roberts, isn't that a tabloid? One of those cheap magazines that you buy while in line at the newsstand?
Roberts: (slowly) Yesss. Oh, Sherwood, I admit it! I'm an addicted... addict!
Sherwood: It's okay, Roberts. Admitting your addiction is the first step on the road to wellness. Just repeat after me.
Roberts: Okay.
Sherwood: My name is Betty Roberts...
Roberts: My name is Betty Roberts...
Sherwood: and I'm addicted to tabloids.
Roberts: and I'm addicted to tabloids.
Sherwood: and I'm going to go to dinner with Scott after finishing this show.
Roberts: and I'm going to go to dinner with Scott-- Sherwood! Oooh! I could easily kill you right now!
Sherwood: Well, before you do, let's move on to the final two questions. Both come from Josh in Michigan. His first question is: "What happened to CJ? He has mysteriously disappeared."
Roberts: After realizing that CJ was missing in action, I utilized my super-secret network that I built up after working at the Elkhart newspaper. My new informant, codenamed "Sherman Dulcie" has this to say about CJ's whereabouts.
"Sherman Dulcie": (obviously disguised voice) The Minaret-Poking Man is involved in some sinister way with CJ's disappearance. He, along with the syndication, the Well-Manured Man and Older #1 are plotting something nefarious.
Roberts: Well, you heard it straight from the source's mouth. It may not make sense now, but we will continually update you on CJ's condition. Now, Josh's other question. "What is CJ's fascination with albatross? Does he have a bizarre avian fetish?"
Sherwood: I'll cover this question, Roberts. Oh, but it looks as though we have ran out of time. Tune in next week to find out more. And remember, the truth IS out there!
Announcer: That's it for another episode of "The WENN Files." Tune in next week to find out the truth behind CJ and his albatross.