Announcer: When we last left "The WENN Files," Sherwood and Roberts were discussing C.J. and his fascination with albatrosses. We now bring you back to "The WENN Files" already in progress.
Roberts: Sherwood! I am not going on a date with you and that is final.
Sherwood: Ah, c'mon Betty. Please...you promised before the entire listening audience!
Roberts: I did NOT! (startled gasp) Oh no, we're on the air. (sounding more composed) Well, we were last discussing a question brought up by Joshua Boehme of Michigan. He asks, "What is C.J.'s fascination with albatross? Does he have a bizarre fetish?"
Sherwood: There is a very interesting story behind C.J. and his albatross. It all began when he was a young boy. One Christmas when young C.J. and his mother were going to the local market to pick up a can of cranberry jelly, a large motor car pulled up in front of him. A man stepped out and asked C.J.'s mother if he could have the young boy. C.J.'s mother, a wonderful Irish woman, said, "Never in a million years!" The other man offered a large sum of money for young C.J. and even tried tempting him with a lovely toy sled. But C.J.'s mother stood fast and would not allow her boy to be taken away from her at any cost. The man left in a huff, muttering something like, "The albatross flies at midnight." C.J. has been fascinated with albatrosses and their flight ever since. And that is the story of C.J. and his stuffed albatross.
Roberts: What an, uh, interesting story, Sherwood.
Sherwood: Oh yes, I thought it was quite intriguing also. C.J. told it to me himself one night when we were at O'Malleys.
Roberts: And knowing the location of where that story comes from reassures me even more. Okay! Next question please.
Sherwood: This one comes from Helena. She asks, "What's going on with Mackie? Has he been kidnapped by aliens or the "cigar smoking man?" Was that the "Alien Replacement" Mackie that called into WENN last episode? Will he ever be back?" Don't worry, Helena. Let's let Roberts here have a crack at explaining Mackie's absense.
Roberts: Well, Helena, Mackie is currently touring with John Barrymore's production of "William Shakespeare's Hamlet." He hasn't been kidnapped by aliens or any of the syndication. There Sherwood, a simple explanation for a good question.
Sherwood: Roberts, you have so much to learn. Helena, aliens really have captured Mackie. When he was touring in Arizona, he stopped in Roswell. It is my belief, and I have received confirmation of this belief from a semi-reliable source, that he was captured by aliens there. The real Mackie Bloom would never use a British accent to play Shakespeare! My source also tells me that Mackie should be returning to earth shortly and will be back to touring within a couple of weeks. His return to WENN, however, is less concrete. Comments, Roberts?
Roberts: Oh Sherwood, you are so that way. (sighs) Helena, Mackie will return to WENN in good time. You just need to be patient. Sherwood, could you read the next question?
Sherwood: Of course. "How do you plan to win Rob--" Um, Roberts, I think Assistant Director Comstock wants to see you in his office.
Roberts: What? Assistant Director Comstock hasn't even been in the room yet tonight!
Sherwood: I think I hear him in the hallway. You should check.
Roberts: Are you sure you're feeling okay, Sherwood?
Sherwood: I'm always okay when I'm with you, Roberts. Could you check on that though?
Roberts: Sure... Hey, quit pushing me out the door! (The door slams shut.)
Sherwood: Whew! I got rid of her. Our next question, which is just for my eyes only, comes from Susan. She asks, "How do you plan to win Roberts back from the evil Assistant Director Comstock? And does your theme music ever end?" Well, Susan, let's finish off the last question. Hey, Eugenia, stop with the menacing music! And Mr. Foley, enough of that whistling!
Eugenia: Sherwood? What are you talking about? We stop after three times through.
Sherwood: Oh, really? I thought you were looped infinitely. Well, that's answer number one. The music stops after three times through. Now, back to question number one. How do I plan to win Roberts from evil Assistant Director Comstock? Well, let me clarify, Comstock is not evil. He's just annoying...but I respect him and all. I just don't want him as a rival for Betty's affections. (dreamily) Betty, who is as cute as a button, and so much nicer than one... (snaps out of it) My plan to win over Betty is a simple one. I'm going to lock her into the writer's room and then (dramatic pause) leave her in there! Of course, I will be wearing a Victor Comstock look-a-like bald cap ™ and a pair of lifts in my shoes. I'll back the locking of the door obvious to someone, ahem, Maple, and Victor will get blamed. Betty will never talk to Victor again...and I will woo my way back into the heart of fair Betty. Ah, all is fair and love in war...especially if you have the game rigged on your side! (the door opens)
Roberts: Sherwood, I looked up and down and in and out all of WENN. Assistant Director Comstock is nowhere to be found. He must be out to lunch. What was that last question?
Sherwood: Oh, Roberts, I think I left it in the Writer's room. Could you go fetch it?
Roberts: (unconvinced) Okay, Sherwood. What ever you say. (The door slams shut.)
Sherwood: The games afoot! Now, to set my master plan to work.
Announcer: Will Sherwood's master plan work? Will Assistant Director Comstock be blamed for locking Betty in the writer's room? Or will Sherwood chicken out? Find out next time on..."The WENN Files!"