Announcer: When we last left "The WENN Files" so loooooooooooong ago, Sherwood and Roberts were racing against time to find out why A.D. Comstock and Miss Hilary Booth were at the courthouse at the same time. We now bring you another exciting episode of..."The WENN Files."
Roberts: I refuse to believe that this means anything. It’s probably just a case of coincidence.
Sherwood: (smiling) That’s what they all say.
Roberts: Who says that?
Sherwood: (mimicking Betty’s tone) It’s just a case of coincidence. HA! I had a sneaking suspicion about A.D. Comstock all along and now is my chance to prove it!
Roberts: Why are you getting so excited about this? I should think Jeff would be the one to care whom Hilary is married to, not you!
Sherwood: (rolls his eyes) Hell-o? Betty, who is my archrival?
Roberts: You have an archrival? For what?
Sherwood: I’ll give you two guesses.
Roberts: Oh, we’re at the courthouse. I guess I won’t be able to guess after all. Not if you want to catch A.D. Comstock in the act
Sherwood: (mutters to himself) That Betty Roberts. She’s got the best timing of anyone I know! Now if only she would stop acting so dense!!
Roberts: What was that, Sherwood?
Sherwood: Oh, nothing. Look! It’s A.D. Comstock! And Hilary is right next to him! I knew I was right!!
Roberts: Well, let’s go see what is amiss. [The pair runs up to Hilary and A.D. Comstock on the courthouse stairs.] Hello, A.D. Comstock, Hilary.
A.D. Comstock: (mellifulously) Hello, Roberts. (curtly) Hello Sherwood.
Sherwood: Let’s not beat around the bush. What are you doing here with Hilary?
Hilary: What are you insinuating? I demand to know! I may not be a part of this whole "WENN Files" show but I’ll be damned if you’re going to make fun of me on the air.
Roberts: We got a tip from an anonymous stranger telling us that you and A.D. Comstock were at the courthouse together. Sherwood here put it together to mean that you and A.D. Comstock were getting a divorce. Is that true?
Hilary: Of course not! Why on earth would I want to marry Victor Comstock?
A.D. Comstock: Excuse me?
Hilary: I’m already married to someone else. If I can’t have Jeff, why would I want you? I didn’t get married to make Jeffrey jealous. It was for entirely different circumstances all together. And I would prefer not to get into these circumstances while on the air. [Hilary flounces off to a waiting cab.]
Roberts: Well, Sherwood, I guess that blows your theory out of the water.
A.D. Comstock: Where on earth did you come up with an idea like that, Sherwood? I was merely at the courthouse to have myself listed as alive again. I needed to get back my death certificate.
Sherwood: Oh, all right. I believe you , I believe you. C’mon, Roberts, let’s get back to the studio. We’ve got letters to read, questions to answer, truth to be found!
Roberts: If only you were this passionate about all your radio broadcasts. Good-bye, A.D. Comstock.
A.D. Comstock: Good-bye, Roberts. [He reaches out and caresses Roberts on the arm. Sherwood notices and makes a gagging face behind Robert’s back.] I’ll see you at the station. (brusquely) Good-bye, Sherwood.
Announcer: As Sherwood and Roberts make their way back to the station, we bring you a short commercial break.
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Announcer: Sherwood and Roberts are back in the building!
Sherwood: Well, so far this episode has been fairly fruitless. I suppose we should delve into the mailbag quickly before our time is up.
Roberts: Yes, I suppose we should. And look at all the mail we’ve got! Gosh, we might have to start really pushing that intern to write more material more often!
Sherwood: Yes, that is definitely an option. Well, our first question of today comes from Lauren Yee of San Francisco, California. She writes, "I’m glad the WENN Files will continue even if the AMC bigwigs have a proclivity for the mundane." Now what is it with AMC? We’re not related to AMC in any way, shape or form! This is WENN!!
Roberts: Sherwood, please, keep reading. Just ignore the AMC references. It might just be a West Coast thing.
Sherwood: Oh, right! Anyway, she continues, "Your WENN Files has been something to give me a laugh even in these hard times." Well, Lauren, we’re glad we can lift your spirits. Because if we can’t do it, who can? [Robert’s gives Sherwood the look.] Moving along, Lauren asks, "I have a few questions. The first is: Who is this proramming director Mark Juris and what does he want with WENN? Is he the reincarnation of Pruitt or perhaps an even more devious descendant?"
Roberts: Mark Juris. Can’t say I’ve ever heard of him... But if he is anything like Pruitt, I hope he wants nothing to do with WENN! I’ve come to think that Pruitt was related to Attila the Hun!
Sherwood: Well, with A.D. Comstock and myself on board as rotating station managers, he’ll never stand a chance. Either A.D. Comstock will lull him to sleep with his verbaciousness or I’ll con him! Moving along, Lauren says, "Secondly, I have to know about those fourth season cliffhangers. What happens? Will Mr. Foley say ‘yes’ (if he ever does say something)? Who the heck is Hilary married to and who’ll stay with Betty? I must know because the truth is out there (to quote one very honest source)." Well, we can answer one of those question. Even we, the tenacious WENN Files agents, do not know who Hilary is married to. She has been keeping this a secret for a looooooooong time and I don’t know if anyone will ever find out. You might want to ask Jeff. He might know.
Roberts: Sherwood, Jeff doesn’t do this show.
Sherwood: Which is exactly why she should ask him!
Roberts: And what is this about Mr. Foley being silent? All he does all day is talk our ears off! Why, to listen to him and Eugenia go on and on and on and on about how happy they are, well, it almost makes me sick sometimes.
Sherwood: I’m also slightly confused by her question as to who is staying with Betty. Right now I’m with Betty. But when she goes home at night, she stays alone. So no one really stays with Betty all the time.
Roberts: Sherwood! My name is Roberts, not Betty!
Sherwood: Whatever. Well, I guess we have time for one more question. Why don’t you read it, Roberts.
Roberts: Okay. This one is from Susan of New Jersey. "Hello! I am a great fan of the WENNfiles, and I think Sherwood is the cutest and most ingenuitive agent on the force." [Roberts laughs as she reads that.]
Sherwood: (defensively) What’s wrong with that?
Roberts: How can she know what you look like? We’re on RADIO! Anyway, Susan continues, "Now, could either of you answer one question for me? What will happen to the WENN files if Sherwood, rather, Lieutenant Sherwood, takes the job with the BBC in London?" Sherwood, you’re a lieutenant now?
Sherwood: Hmm, last time I looked I wasn’t.
Roberts: Well, I guess if Sherwood took a job in London we’d have to get someone else to take his place. Maybe someone like A.D. Comstock.
Sherwood: Or maybe Mr. Eldridge! Now he’d make a spiffy secret agent!
Roberts: Uh-huh. Well, it appears that we’ve run out of time for now. Susan has a postscript, but we’ll answer it at a later date.
Announcer: Stay tuned for another exciting episode of..."The WENN Files."