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Welcome to the Hellmouth: Part I
Xander: I kinda had a problem with the math.
Willow: Which part?
Xander: The math.
Jesse: Is it me, or are you turning into a bibbling idiot?
Xander: No, it's, uh, not you.
Cordelia: Don't you have an elsewhere to be?
Cordelia: God! What is your childhood trauma?!
Willow: When I'm with a boy I like, it's hard for me to say anything cool, or witty, or at all. I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away.
Buffy (to Giles): You're like a textbook with arms!
Welcome to the Hellmouth: Part II
Buffy: As soon as they got clear of the graveyard, they could've just voom.
Xander: They can fly?
Buffy: They can drive.
Xander: I don't like vampires. I'm gonna take a stand and say they're not good.
Giles (to Buffy): Do you ignore everything I say, as a rule?
Xander (about cheerleaders): People scoff at things like school spirit but, look at
these girls giving their all like this - ooh, stretchy. (Pause) Where was I?
Willow: You were pretending that seeing scantily clad girls in revealing postures
was a spiritual experience.
Xander: Who said I was pretending?
Giles: Pardon me for seeing the glass half full.
Xander: I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.
Buffy: Mom, I've accepted that you've had sex. I am not ready to know that you had Farrah hair.
Xander: First vampires, now witches. No wonder you can still afford a house in Sunnydale.
Giles: Why should someone want to harm Cordelia?
Willow: Maybe because they met her?
(Willow checks the library computer to see who's recently checked out books about
witches.)
Willow: "Witches: Historic Route to Modern Practice," checked out by Alexander
Harris.
Buffy: "The Pagan Rites," checked out by Alexander -
Xander: Alright, alright, it's not what you think.
Willow: You like to look at the semi-nude engravings?
Xander: Oh, well uh, I guess it is what you think.
Xander: We're right behind you only, further back.
Xander (seeing Angel for first time): Well, he's buff. She never said anything
about him being buff.
Willow: You think he's buff?
Xander: He's a very attractive man! How come that never came up?
Xander: It's funny how the earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.
Xander: Those that can, do. Those that can't laugh at those who can do.
Buffy: I'm not saying she craned her neck. We are talking full-on exorcist twist.
Giles: This computer invasion that Willow is performing on the coroner's
Office - one assumes it is entirely legal?
Buffy: Of course!
Willow: Entirely!
Giles: Right, wasn't here, didn't see it, couldn't have stopped you.
Never Kill a Boy on the First Date
Xander: So, Buffy, how'd the slaying go last night?
Buffy: Xander!
Xander: I mean, how'd the laying go? (Pause) No, I don't mean that either.
Giles: Buffy, this is no ordinary vampire. We have to stop him before he reaches
the master.
Buffy: But - cute guy - teenager - post-pubescent fantasies!
Owen: He tried to bite me - what a sissy!
Xander (to Buffy): We just saw the zebras mating. Thank you,
very exciting.
Willow: It was like the heimlich?with stripes!
Xander: Shoot me, stuff me, mount me.
Xander: Buffy, come on, wake up and smell the seduction. It's the oldest trick
in the book.
Buffy: What? Saving my life, getting slashed in the ribs?
Xander: Duh! I mean, guys will do anything to impress a girl. I once drank an
entire gallon of gatorade without taking a breath.
Willow: It was pretty impressive - although later there was in ick factor.
Buffy: My diary? You read my diary? That is not okay! A diary is like a
person's most private place! I - you don't even know what I was writing about!
Hunk can mean a lot of things - bad things, and, and when it says that your
eyes are penetrating, I meant to write - bulging -
Angel: Buffy -
Buffy: And, A doesn't even stand for Angel for that matter. It - it stands for
Achmed, a charming foreign exchange student, so that whole fantasy has nothing to
even do with you, at all -
Angel: Your mother moved your diary when she came in to straighten up. I watched
her from the closet. I didn't read it, I swear.
Buffy: Oh! Oh.
Willow: So he is a good vampire! I mean, on a scale of one to ten, ten
being someone who's killing and maiming every night, one being someone
who's - not.
Willow: It is kind of novel how he'll stay young and handsome forever, although you'll still get wrinkly and die and - oh, what about the children - I'll be quiet now.
Ms. Calendar (to Giles): I know our ways are strange to you, but soon, you will join us in the twentieth century, with three whole years to spare.
Willow: I met him online.
Buffy: On line for what?
Xander (about Willow's new online beau): I mean, sure he says he's a high
school student, but I could say I'm a high school student.
Buffy: You are.
Xander: Okay, but I can also say that I'm an elderly dutchwoman. Get me?
Who's to say I'm not if I'm in the elderly dutch chatroom?
Willow: I think dummies are cute. You don't?
Buffy: Ugh, they give me the wig. Ever since I was little.
Willow: What happened?
Buffy: I saw a dummy, it gave me the wig - there really wasn't a story there.
Principal Snyder: Kids today need discipline. It's an unpopular word these days. I know Principal Flutie would've said kids need understanding, kids are human beings. That's the kind of wooly-headed liberal thinking that leads to being eaten.
Cordelia (about murdered girl): It's just such a tragedy for me! Emma was like
my best friend!
Xander: Emily.
Later?
Cordelia: All I can think is, it could've been me!
Xander: We can dream.
Xander: I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there, we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party.
Wendell: They're not insects. They're arachnids.
Xander: They're from the Middle East?
Willow: Why is this happening?
Giles: Billy.
Xander: Well that explanation was shorter than usual. It's Billy! Who's Billy?
Willow: When Buffy was a vampire, you weren't still, like, attracted to her, were you?
Xander: Willow, how can you, I mean that's really bent, she was - grotesque.
Willow: Still dug her, huh?
Xander: I'm sick, I need help.
Cordelia: People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatic event of my life, and she's trying to make it about her leg, like my pain means nothing.
Giles: I'll research all the possibilities, ghosts included. Xander, you're not
doing anything. Would you like to help me?
Xander: What, so there's homework now? When did that happen?
Xander: I would do anything to be able to turn invisible. Well, I wouldn't use my powers to beat people up, but I'd use my powers to protect the girls' locker room.
Xander (to Cordelia): Can we just revel in your fabulous lack of priorities?
Buffy: You know I really felt sorry for you. You've suffered. There's one thing I really didn't factor into all this. You're a thundering looney!
Xander: I'm just gonna go home, lie down, and listen to country music, the music of pain.
Ms. Calendar: I'm sorry to bring this up, but we also have an apocalypse to
worry about.
Xander: Do you mind?
Willow: How come she's in the club?
Master: Oh, good. The feeble banter portion of the fight.
Angel: What?
Xander: You're looking at my neck.
Angel: What?
Xander: You were checking out my neck. I saw that!
Angel: No I wasn't!
Xander: Just keep your distance pal.
Angel: I wasn't looking at your neck!
Xander: I told you to eat before we left.
Master: You were destined to die. It was written.
Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written.
Buffy (to Master): You have fruit punch mouth.
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