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When She Was Bad
Buffy: I had weird dreams.
Xander: Dreams are meaningful.
Willow: Tell me about it. The other night I dreamt that Xander...uh, it wasn't Xander. In fact, it wasn't me, it was a friend's dream and...she doesn't remember it.
Willow: Angel stopped by? Wow, was there, well, I mean, was it having to do with kissing?
Buffy: Willow, grow up. Not everything is about kissing.
Xander: Yeah, some stuff's about groping. It wasn't about groping...?
Willow (about Buffy): She's possessed!
Giles: Possessed.
Willow: That's the only explanation that makes any sense. I mean, you should've seen her last night. That wasn't Buffy.
Xander: Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me? (pause) She's possessed.
Willow: Why else would she be acting like such a B-I-T-C-H?
Giles: Willow, I think we're all a little too old to be spelling things out.
Xander: A bitka?
Willow: What would somebody want with Master bones?
Xander: A trophy, a horrible conversations piece...
Principal Snyder: There's some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense.
Giles: Well, actually, that would be one of the five.
Cordelia (to Ms. Calendar): What an ordeal. And you know what the worst part is? It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust, and blood, and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry clean 'til judgement day. You are living with those stains.
Ms. Calendar: Yeah, that's the worst part of being hung upside down by a vampire who wants to slit your throat - the stains.
Cordelia: I hear ya!
Giles: Punishing yourself like this is pointless.
Buffy: It's entirely pointy!
Xander: Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but gosh, we did that last night.
Some Assembly Required
Buffy (to Giles about Ms. Calendar): You just say, "Hey, I gotta thing, you maybe have a thing, maybe we could have a thing.
Giles: Well thank you Cyrano.
Giles: Grave robbing. That's new. Interesting.
Buffy: I know you meant to say gross and disturbing.
Giles: Yes yes yes, of course, terrible thing, must put a stop to it...dammit.
Cordelia: I don't think anyone should have to do anything educational in school if they don't want to.
Xander (about plans to dig up a grave that night): So we're set then. Say, nineish, B.Y.O. shovel?
Cordelia: Why are these terrible things always happening to me?
Xander (coughing): Karma!
School Hard
Buffy (about burning down the gym in her last school): That was never proven. The fire marshal said it could've been mice.
Principal Snyder: Mice.
Buffy: Mice that were smoking?
Buffy (brushing her hair): I spent a good part of my allowance on this new cream rinse, and it's neither creamy nor rinsey!
Mrs. Summers: Life is hard, dear.
Buffy: Don't I know it. Is that a split end?
Xander (about Angel): Okay, that's it! I'm putting a collar with a little bell on that guy.
Inca Mummy Girl
Willow: I don't think it's that bad.
Buffy: It's the ubersuck!
Buffy: Have you ever done an exchange program?
Xander: My dad tried to sell me to some Armenians once. Does that count?
Buffy: I wasn't gonna use violence. I don't always use violence...do I?
Xander: The important thing is, you believe that.
Giles: You have responsibilities that other girls do not -
Buffy: Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices blah blah biddy blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone!
Buffy: One day I'm gonna live in a town where evil curses are just generally ruled out without even saying.
Willow: So, Umpata, you're a girl.
Umpata: Yes, for many years now.
Willow: And, not a boy, 'cause we thought a boy was coming, and here you are...in a girl-way.
Willow (to Xander): Why are you suddenly so worried about looking like an idiot? (pause) That came out wrong.
Willow: Well, you know, I have a choice. I can spend my life waiting for Xander to go out with every other girl in the world until he notices me, or I can just get on with my life.
Buffy: Good for you.
Willow: Well I didn't choose yet.
Buffy: Hey! Look at us. We came up with a plan. A good plan.
Giles: Alright, we'll meet there tonight, after it closes.
Buffy: No! Bad plan! I have other plans! Dance plans!
(Giles gives her a look.)
Buffy (glumly): Cancelled plans.
Umpata: I like you too.
Xander: Really?!
Umpata: Really!
Xander: That's great! Really?
Umpata: Really!
Xander: That's great! You're not a praying mantis, are you? (pause) Sorry. Someone else.
Reptile Boy
Willow: I can't believe she lied to Giles. My world is all askew.
Xander: Buffy's lying, Buffy's going to frat parties. That's not askew, that's cockeyed.
Willow: Askew means cockeyed.
Xander: Oh.
Xander: I've gotta keep an eye on Buffy. Those frat guys creep me.
Willow: You wanna protect her?
Xander: Mm-hmm.
Willow: And prove that you're just as good as those rich, snotty guys?
Xander: Mm-hmm.
Willow: Maybe catch an orgy?
Xander: If it's on early.
Willow (to Angel): You're gonna live forever, you don't have time for a cup of coffee?!
Halloween
Larry: You and Buffy, you're just friends, right?
Xander: I like to think of it less as a friendship and more as a foundation for future bliss.
Lie To Me
Buffy: Willow, do we have to be in total share mode?
Xander: Hey, it's me! If Angel's doing something wrong I wanna know about it...'cause it gives me a happy.
Ford: If you guys already had plans...would I be imposing?
Xander: Oh, only in the literal sense.
Xander (imitating Buffy): `This is Ford, my bestest friend of all my friends.' Geez, doesn't she know any fat guys?
Ford: You can't touch me, Summers. I know all you darkest secrets.
Xander: Care to make a small wager on that?
Willow: That's Angel.
Xander: He's Buffy's beau, her special friend.
Ford: He's not in school, right? He looks older than her.
Xander: You're not wrong.
(Later, Ford and Angel shake hands.)
Ford: Whoa! Cold hands.
Xander: You're not wrong.
Xander: Okay, once more with tension.
Willow (to Xander about Angel): Hey, you made him do that thing where he's gone!
Angel: I guess I need help.
Willow: Help? You mean like on homework? No, 'cause...you're old, and...you already know stuff.
Angel: A hundred years of hanging out, feeling guilty. I really honed my brooding skills.
Xander: I'm gonna have to go with dead boy on this one.
Angel: Could you not call me that?
The Dark Age
Xander: Ooh, gang, do you hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia! Mix in a little rectal surgery, and it's my best day ever!
Ms. Calendar: Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a fuddy-duddy?
Giles: Nobody ever seems to tell me anything else.
Cordelia: Why does everyone always yell my name?! I'm not deaf! I can take a hint! (pause) What's the hint?
Giles: To come back later.
Cordelia: Yeah, when you've visited decaf-land.
Ms. Calendar: Alright guys, the first thing we're gonna do is...(Buffy enters) Buffy.
Xander (looking up from his desk): Huh? Did I fall asleep already?
What's My Line?: Part I
Angel: Buffy. You scared me.
Buffy: Now you know how it feels, stealth guy.
Buffy: We're having this thing at school...
Angel: Career week?
Buffy: How did you know?
Angel: I lurk.
Buffy: Right.
Giles: I've been indexing the watcher diaries covering the last couple of centuries. You'd be amazed at how numbingly pompous and long-winded some of these watchers were.
Buffy: Color me stunned.
What's My Line?: Part II
Kendra: They call me Kendra. I have no last name, sir.
Buffy: Can we say `stuck in the eighties'?
Kendra: Did I not see you kissing a vampire?
Willow: Buffy would never do that...Oh, except for, sometimes you do that.
Kendra: I study because it is required. The slayer handbook insists on it.
Willow: There's a slayer handbook?
Buffy: Wha - handbook? What handbook? How come I don't have a handbook?
Willow: Is there a t-shirt, too? 'Cause, that would be cool.
Cordelia: He looked normal!
Xander: What, is he supposed to have an arrow with the word `assassin' over his head? All it took was the prospect of a free makeover and you licked his hand like a big dumb dog!
Ted
Giles: Whatever the authorities have planned for her, it can't be much worse than what she's doing to herself. She's taken a human life. The guilt it's it's�pretty hard to bear. It won't go away soon.
Cordelia: I guess you should know, since you helped raise that demon that killed that guy that time.
Giles: Yes, do let's bring that up as often as possible.
Xander: Willow, you are the best human ever! I adore you! Well, that's the cookie talking, but you rock!
Cordelia: Feels like home, if it's the fifties and you're a psycho.
Bad Eggs
(During a class discussion about the negative consequences of having sex.)
Xander: You wanna talk negative consequence? What about the heartbreak of hallitosis? I mean a girl may look spiffy but if she ignores her flossing the bloom is definitely off the rose.
Cordelia: Like that compares to kissing a guy who thinks the hoover technique is a big turn-on.
Xander: What about having to feign interest in her vapid little chitchat just so you could get some touch?
Willow: Buffy! How come you weren't in class?
Buffy: Vampire issues. Did Mr. Whitmore notice I was tardy?
Xander: I think the word you're searching for is "absent".
Xander: Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words. You - Angel - big - smoochies?
Buffy: Shut - up.
Giles: I suppose there is a sort of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.
Xander: I resent that! Or possibly thank you.
Cordelia: Figures you three would all be hanging in a dungeon while something major is going on at Sunnydale High.
Xander: And what would that be, Cordelia? Barret Appreciation Day?
Xander: Mmm. Card-boardy!
Surprise
Willow: Carpe diem. You told me that once.
Buffy: Fish of the day?
Buffy (to Willow): You think he's too old because he's a senior? Please, my boyfriend had a bicentennial!
Oz: I'm gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night, and I'm kind of nervous about it actually. It's interesting�
Willow: Well, if it helps at all, I'm going to say yes.
Oz: Yeah, it helps, it creates a comfort zone. Do you want to go out with me tomorrow night?
Willow (remembering Buffy's party): Oh! I can't!
Oz: Okay I like that you're unpredictable.
Xander: It must've been my multiple personality guy talking. I call him Idiot Jed, glutton for punishment.
Giles: Here comes Buffy. Now remember, discretion is the better part of valor.
Xander: You could've just said "shh!" God, are all you Brits such drama queens?
Giles: If Drucilla is alive, it could be a fairly cataclysmic state of affairs.
Xander: Again, so many words! Couldn't you just say we'd be in trouble?
Giles: Go to class, Xander.
Xander: Gone. Notice the economy of phrasing. Gone. Simple. Direct.
Giles: Why don't you meet me here at seven. We'll map out a strategy.
Buffy: What am I supposed to do until then?
Giles: Go to class, do your homework, have supper�
Buffy: Right. Be that Buffy.
Willow: Are you okay?
Oz: Yeah. Hey, did everybody see that guy just turn to dust?
Buffy: Um, still needing back-story here�
Willow: What? Only Xander gets to make dumb jokes?
Willow and Xander discuss Angel leaving the country with a piece of the Judge.
Willow: Poor Buffy, on her birthday and everything.
Xander: It's sad, granted, but let's look at the upside for a moment. I mean, what kind of a future would she've really had with him? She's got two jobs, Denny's waitress by day, slayer by night, and Angel's always in front of the TV with a big blood belly. And he's dreaming of the good old days when Buffy still thought this whole creature of the night routine was a big turn-on.
Willow: You've thought way too much about this.
Angel: Leave her alone!
Spike: Yeah, that'll work. Now say pretty please.
Innocence
Willow (on the phone with Buffy): No. Don't even say that. Angel is not dead.
Xander: Say hi for me.
Willow: I knew it! I knew it! Well, not in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know!
Xander: Whoa�whoa. I think I'm having a thought. Yeah�yeah, that's a thought. (gasp) Now I'm having a plan. (The lights go out.) Now I'm having a wiggins.
Cordelia: Care to let me in on the plan I'm a part of?
Xander: No.
Cordelia: Why not?
Xander: Because if I tell you, you won't do it. Just meet me at Willow's house in half an hour, and wear something trashy�er.
Soldier: You've got twenty minutes, nimrod.
Xander: I just need five. (Pause) Forget I said that last part.
Cordelia: Does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
Xander: I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.
Oz: So do you guys steal weapons from the army a lot?
Willow: Well, we don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun.
Oz: Sometimes when I'm sitting in class, you know, I'm not thinking about class, because that would never happen, I think about kissing you, and it's like everything stops, it 's like freeze-frame, Willow-kissage. (Looks at Willow looking at him.) Oh, I'm not going to kiss you.
Willow: What? But�freeze-frame!
Oz: Well, to the casual observer it would appear that you're trying to make your friend Xander jealous, or even the score, or something, and that's on the empty side. See, in my fantasy, when I'm kissing you, you're kissing me. It's okay. I can wait.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: THAT IS SO SWEET!!!
(After Buffy blows up the Judge.)
Willow: Do you think he's dead?
Buffy: We can't be sure. Pick up the pieces and keep them separate.
Cordelia: Pieces? We get the pieces. Our job sucks!
Phases
Willow: Hi!
Oz: Oh that's what I was going to say.
Oz: This cheerleading trophy. It's like its eyes follow you wherever you go. I like it.
Larry: Man! Oz, I would love to get me some of that Buffy and Willow action if you know what I mean.
Oz: That's great, Lar, you've really mastered the single entendre.
Buffy: Have you dropped any hints?
Willow: I've dropped anvils.
Buffy: Ah, he'll come around. What guy could resist your wily Willow charms?
Willow: At last count, all of them�maybe more.
Willow: I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh yeah, 1-800-I'M-DATING-A-SKANKY-HO.
Cordelia (to Xander): I think you splashed on just a little too much Obsession for Dorks.
Xander: On behalf of my gender, hey!
Giles: Let's not jump to any conclusions.
Buffy: I didn't jump! I took a tiny step, and there conclusions were.
Willow: Oz and I are in some sort of holding pattern, except without the holding.
(About the werewolf)
Xander: Giles knows stuff, and I'm practically an expert on the subject.
Willow: On account of, once you were a hyena?
Xander: I know what it's like to crave the taste of freshly killed meat, to be taken over by those uncontrollable urges
Buffy: You said you didn't remember anything about that.
Xander: (pause) Ha ha�I said I didn't remember anything about that.
Oz: I spoke to Giles. He says I'll be okay, I just have to lock myself up around the full moon�only he used more words than that�and a globe.
Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered
Xander: This time I'm ready for ya. No F for Xander today. Nope, this baby's my ticket to a sweet D Minus.
Giles: Buffy, might I have a word?
Buffy: Have a sentence, even.
Angel: Dear Buffy. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards.
Spike: Why don't you rip her lungs out. It might make an impression.
Angel: Lacks�poetry.
Spike: Doesn't have to�what rhymes with lungs?
Willow: Oz has his cool hair today. I think I'm a groupie!
Xander: Do you know what's a good day to break up with somebody? Any day besides Valentine's Day! I mean, what, were you running low on dramatic irony?
Xander: Blackmail is such and ugly word.
Amy: I didn't say blackmail.
Xander: Yeah, but I'm about to blackmail you, so I thought I'd bring it up.
Amy: That kind of thing is the hardest, I mean, to make someone love you for all eternity?
Xander: Whoa! Whoa, back up! Who said anything about eternity? A man can only talk self-tanning lotion for so long before his head explodes.
Giles: Here's another. Valentine's Day, yes, um, Angel nails a puppy to the -
Buffy: Skip it.
Giles: But -
Buffy: I don't wanna know. I don't have a puppy, skip it.
Xander: It's time for me to act like a man�and hide!
Cordelia: Why has everyone gone insane?!
Xander: Insane! Is it so impossible for you to believe that other women find me attractive?
Cordelia: The only way you could get girls to want you would be witchcraft.
Xander: That is such a - well yeah okay good point.
Drusilla: Your face is a poem. I can read it.
Xander: Really? It doesn't say "spare me" by any chance�?
Buffy: Hi, Oz!
Oz: Hi.
Buffy: I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here.
Oz: But you're not a rat, so, call it an up-side.
Cordelia: I do what I wanna do, and I wear what I wanna wear, and you know what? I'll date whoever the hell I wanna date�no matter how lame he is.
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