Sometimes I lie in bed, listening to the sounds of night time. I try to sleep, try to close my eyes and drift off into the world of my imagination. Sometimes I'm too scared to sleep, too scared of what I'll dream of. Of what my subconscious wants, of what my mind wants and my body knows I can never have again.

Tara sometimes will wake up with a start from a bad dream, it gives me something to do to comfort and sooth her back into sleep. Smoothing her hair like a mother would do to her small child, making her believe that everything will be okay.

Its not.

In the wee hours of the morning, when its not even worth it to fall asleep I start thinking. I start thinking of a person that I will probably never see again, a person that I may love.

Oz.

I can't say that I don't love him. I don't know if its become more distant since he's left me, I sit in bed and wonder if he ever thinks about me. If he ever lets his mind drift off at night to me, what I'm doing. I do, all of the time. I'll be sitting in Giles magic shop, doing research, and my mind will just start to wander into Oz land. I wonder if he's alright, if he's happy. If he's moved on. Its silly to think that he hasn't that somewhere he's thinking about me, crying over me. He left so I could be happy, so why can't I just appreciate that and get on with my life?

I hide it well, you know. The pain, the hurt. Everything I feel on the inside. I throw my voice so I sound like a three year old and smile and act like I'm more and more in love with Tara. I do love Tara, I love her, but its becoming. . . a sisterly love more then anything. I can't say that I am *in* love with her. Have you ever heard that saying, you never get over your first love? I truly believe that. I was in love with Oz, sometimes I'll think about what would have happened if I had begged him to stay. Thrown myself at him, crying and screaming not to leave me again.

But that would be not in my nature. It would be Un-Willowy. I go with what's safe, I go with what needs me most. I go with Tara.

I should have gone with Oz.

I try to tell myself that I did the strong thing in telling him that I was happy. Was I stronger because I basically told him he couldn't have me? Or was I weak in not telling my true feelings? Nobody seems to care around me. No one questions my decision, as specially Tara and Buffy. Nobody ever says his name, they've erased him from their memory. They've replaced him with Tara. What difference does it mean to them? They're so wrapped up in their own dramas. . . they can't see the turmoil inside of me. The pain in my eyes when I'm smiling. Nobody seems to see that.

Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. When I'm sure that Tara is sound asleep off into whatever kind of dreams she has. The tears come and wrack my body, making me feel ill and giving me a headache. I just lie there, thinking of everything Oz ever did for me and cry. Maybe I'm still in love with him, maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe I want it all.

I want to go to Istanbul. I want to dye my hair blue and sit on the steps of some old museum and wait for him. He'll come for me, eventually. Oz knows these things, maybe its because he's a werewolf. Maybe its because he's Oz.

I love him. I hate him. I want him to come home, to me. But I'm not home anymore. I've been put up for auction and sold, I've sold my heart away. I don't know if Oz will ever be able to buy it back again.
~*~End~*~