How do I let myself feel again? I've been out here. In the middle of no where, without Willow. If I let myself feel I don't think I'll be able to live anymore because Willow was my feeling, Willow was my love, my passion, and now she's my sorrow. I left, I had to?

Why the hell is that a question. Of course I had to. Why couldn't she understand that? I had to leave her. If I didn't.. god I could have hurt her. She asked if I loved her. What kind of a question.. how could she even question that? She was my life.. I made it clear. Didn't I?

I can't let myself feel. If I feel something.. anything.. anymore pain.. I'll loose it. Totally, and if i loose it I can't go home. Ever. Maybe I'm at the point of no return. Because in order to go back you have to remember have to feel. I can't remember what I did.

I miss remembering Willow though, her hair the way it smelled. The way she looked when she slept, the way she said my name. The way...

No.

Not feeling anything. I sat by a long creek, it was smooth as glass and crystal clear. The sunlight glinted off of it and made it peaceful. I had once been like that, quiet, never having a ripple. Always closed off I was stoic guy. The cool one who didn't talk. Until she came along.

Willow made me be someone that was always inside of me, unfortunately, without her I am nothing. Maybe nothing is too harsh of a word, because I am still matter. Still something taking up space in the universe. But I could fix that.. so easily. I won't let myself though.

Though I won't let myself remember, i won't let myself forget. Doesn't that just sound like a confusing sentence? I can't let myself forget. If i forget, then that would mean that it would never have happened. It would be like crushing something before it had a chance to live.

I pick up a stone that's been sitting by me, watching me with a faceless stare. I toss it into the water and the clear glassy peace shatters into ripples and waves. Eventually it will subside, eventually. But the stone will still be there. Sort of like the wolf. I can make it go away, maybe with will power make it do my bidding, but it will always be inside of me. No matter how much its moved around by the currents of my life. Never going to be gone.

So the water ripples and splashes, and I sit there and watch it. Until it becomes calm again, the calm cool water that I need to watch become itself again before i can let myself feel again.

Then go home. To Willow.

--End--