I want to die. At that moment as he walks in the door of Giles apartment, his eyes so hopeful and wonderful. I can hear Tara's breathing change as she realizes its Oz. Maybe she feels competition, maybe jealousy. I can't breath. Everyone is looking at us, Buffy looks like she wants to hit him. Giles, Anya, Xander. . . they're all as shocked as I am.

Why now? Right when the pain was starting to lesson, right when my life wasn't so topsy turvy. Right when I had started to deal with his being gone. He shows back up. I've dreamed about this moment for months, I've had nightmares about it too. I want to
cry and scream at the same time. I want to hug and slap him, I want to do so much that I seem to just stand there. His eyes are so amazing. I feel like a trapped dear standing before a wolf, ready to pounce on its prey. Great metaphor.

He smells the same way he did the last time he held me, in that room where I cried my eyes out countless times before it was stripped bare. He looks different, more calm if that's at all possible. Yet his eyes tell me a story of pain, missing me. I feel like I'm going to explode from all the pressure in the room. Pressure from Tara, pressure from my friends. . . yet no pressure from him. Oz. Only raw emotions I haven't felt in so long they scare me.

His voice startles me back into reality, making me want to jump in reaction. I somehow manage to keep myself from moving as he moves closer to me. "Look, I'm going to Devon's to see if he's got a place I can crash. But..." His voice wants me to say
something. I want him to take me into his strong arms and tell me I never have to leave them again. I also want to push him away and tell him to get out, so many conflicting emotions are dizzying to me. "I was hoping that we could talk. Later. Tonight."

My voice chokes on, "oh god Oz, your back. I love you so much." Instead only "I guess so." Comes out. I want to do something, say something. His eyes light up though, not catching the regret or hesitation in my voice.

"I'll come by your place?" I nod slowly, not wanting to be a total spaz.

"Okay." *Please don't ever leave me again, please please please. . . * a smile lights his face and he backs away with me. Nodding. He says his goodbyes to my friends and leaves. I want to fall into a sobbing heap on the floor, I'm so confused. Anya's talking, now Buffy is asking me if I'm okay. "I-. . ."

Tara moved forward, toward the door. I can't get out my words, not that i had any idea what I was going to say anyway. "I just, um - I realized, um, I'm-I'm late for study group." I don't want Tara to go. She's my friend. . . more then that. Something more. . . something I can't explain. Not yet. This is happening to fast!

"Tara, wait." I say it before I can think, I want to say more. Just like with Oz, damnit my voice is not obeying me.

"No, no, it's okay. You-you should be with your friends, and, and I-I should go." She left then, before I could fight with her anymore. My voice is weak.

"Wait." Everyone looks to me, pity in their eyes like they know what I'm going through. No one knows. No one could possibly
know. My heart is torn into a million shards and it feels like my stomach is in my throat.

I just want the world to go away.
~*~End~*~