Have you ever been in love? In love so deep that your heart seems to stop and your stomach is in your throat and your ankles at the same time? Your heart beats everytime you think about the person and you can't stop yourself from letting out a hysterical giggle? I don't know if it is love, maybe its infatuation, maybe I am just a wannabe stalker. I love Oz.

Its my first love, my first REAL love. I've had crushes, sure. Xander, Giles, Donny from New kids on the block. They're all in the crush files, I liked to look at them or I liked the way they treated me. . . or maybe I was just insane. But I didn't love them, I thought I did but I didn't. It was just something I liked to tell myself was love, it wasn't that herds of sheep in your stomach feeling I get everytime Oz is near, everytime I hear his voice or feel his hands on mine.

We sat in his van, watching the sun rise. It had been a hard night of slaying, I missed Buffy and had been in a mood all night long. Oz had understood, we'd been researching late into the night and then had to go out patrolling around four AM. He'd invited me to come watch the sun rise with him, I had accepted and felt my heart rise higher then the sun could ever go.

The sky was a perfect pink/purple/orange color and I wanted to cry it was so beautiful, I felt so at home where we sat on a rock over looking the bluff. Sunnydale looked peaceful as most of the people in it were still tucked into their beds warm and happy, dreaming of someone they loved or their future loves. I had never told Oz how I felt, it hadn't been the right time. . . I had almost died without saying it. No one liked to talk about the fact that I could have died if I hadn't woken up, I never told Xander or Giles or my Mom what had brought me back, why I had woken up asking for Oz.

I had dreamed, I think. I can't remember it very well, it was kind of hazy and misty but I remember Oz's touch. He had grabbed me and held me fiercely and told me that I couldn't leave him, that he loved me and if I left him he would die of loneliness. I had struggled through the layers of my mind, trying to find myself awake again, force myself out of what was my coma state. I wanted to come back for Oz, because I loved him. That's why I asked for him, to tell him, show him. Still, the words wouldn't. . . couldn't come. I couldn't say "I love you." a phrase so simple and easy for so many people to use on everyone they thought they had a physical attraction to.

I really loved Oz and for me it was, is, the hardest thing I had ever had to tell someone and it still caught in my throat everytime I tried to force it out. He held me, cradled against him as we sat on the rocks. My hands in his to keep me warm even though there wasn't a chill in the air. He worried about me, fanatically trying to protect me from even the slightest hurt. Because that was the way Oz was, as specially since my accident.

The sun came over the horizon and it was beautiful, all red and fiery as it lit up the sky. I licked my dry lips and leaned my head back against his shoulder, "Oz?" I felt his answer rumble in his chest before I heard the words.

"Hmm?"

"I love you." He tensed, ever so slightly. Just enough for me to feel it, we both knew how. . . important this moment was. He had said it to me, but this was the first time, as I said, I had brought myself to say the words that I had known for so long. "I've never loved anyone as much as you, I know I haven't said it to you before. . . because I didn't know how, I know that sounds so weird since people can usually throw those words around so
easily but. . . maybe I was waiting for the perfect moment, like now? I dunno. I just couldn't say it, which doesn't mean that I didn't feel it until now. . . I just. . . "

He cut me off, turning my head just enough so that his lips could reach mine. We sealed it with a kiss and he whispered, "I love you too" in my ear.

The world faded into the glorious sun rise and I knew that everything would be okay as long as I had Oz with me, by my side.
~*~End~*~