Jeremy Northam 50%

I imagine the pitch for this film went something like "Three Men and A Baby crossed with Leon and The Godfather but it has strong family values - oh, and we've got Sharon Stone on board plus a cute kid." How could it go wrong? [This is a rhetorical question, folks].

I know that actors hate to be typecast, and maybe Jeremy had just had his fill of doing period dramas and English accents. Yes, britches can chafe but why, why, why did he agree to portray a low-down Mafioso (well, I think he was supposed to be Italian - there was a scene where someone sounded a bit Irish)? His character's name is Kevin, which isn't that Italian come to think of it...

As another tailor succintly summarised in the past, before I got round to watching the film, "He plays a Mobster trying to get hold of an incriminating floppy disc. Mmm, sound familiar? This time he's chasing a 6 year old boy and Sharon Stone." I tell you, at least The Net was a good laugh.

They run, they hide, all because the kid's Dad has a file on corrupt cops, which he thoughtfully leaves as his legacy before he gets shot. Maybe that's the problem, as the violence with the heart-warming theme is just too much of a mish-mash to stomach. Blood on top of a slice of apple pie. Not nice.

Plus there's only so many times you can take Sharon Stone - as the relunctant mother figure, with a confusing love of towering heels when fleeing - dragging a small child along by his arm. I think Gloria is supposed to develop a heart or something through this activity, but it really wasn't that convincing. I found my biggest concern was for Gloria's blisters and an admiration of how she was running in heels for so long without a stunt double.

For Jezza fans, the first half hour, up to when Gloria grabs the kid, is probably all you'll need. The scene where she makes all the guys strip and throws their clothes out of the window does afford a glimpse of Mr Northam's other cheeks and is vaguely amusing. But after that, rewind then go rent An Ideal Husband.