Edward Atterton 30%

On paper it must have looked like a winner. Julie Andrews, Stephen Fry, Colin Firth, William Baldwin and Jeanne Tripplehorn in a Noel Coward comedy set in the 1950s. Perfect. However the fact that as a play Relative Values never achieved the popularity of Blithe Spirit or Private Lives should have set alarm bells ringing, or at least an egg timer. The plot is straighter than a stick insect impersonating a Roman road: An English aristocrat gets engaged to a Hollywood starlet and her ex travels to England to woo her back. Straight up, no twist and definitely on the rocks.

Stephen Fry supplies a sub-standard Jeeves and although Colin Firth is hysterical in the role of a camp cousin, its not enough. Something is missing, mainly Edward's hair. Yes, Edward is shorn in this film and although his eyes still flash devastatingly he's like Samson acting-wise. In True Blue his curls hung rakishly, in The Man With the Iron Mask his ease with floppy hair meant that he could concentrate on some dazzling swordsmanship. He does go horse-riding at one point, but it's no good. His power has gone.

Do not bother with this film, it's pathetic and Julie Andrews doesn't sing The Hills Are Alive once.

• Bonuses: Jeanne Tripplehorn wears a fantastic black and white evening gown. Erm, that's it.