Checkmate
A look inside the mind of a Gundam Pilot
It's warm in here.
Too warm.
Space is supposed to be cold.
To tell you the truth, I liked Antarctica more. Even when I fell straight
from the cockpit into the snow, it was more comfortable than this heat. It
could only have been 173K, at most. And there I was, clutching at my
over-professional hands and falling....
Why did I kill him?
The information had already been proclaimed. Twice. "We've located...a
Gundam.....THERE'S A GUNDAM DOWN HERE!" And that overemotional
Lieutenant
obviously wanted him alive, though only God knows why. Perhaps she wanted to
bring him to her lover, so he could do the honors. She certainly thought that
we were much more pure than he.
Where is she now? Down the hall, in the main control room, crying her
eyes out to Sally Po. And her lover? Unmasked and threatening the
Earth-sphere with Libra.
To think, I could have killed him 6 months ago.
But that's what OZ would have wanted. I couldn't do that.
It was against the mission.
Damn, I'm starting to sound like Heero.
Hmm...Heero will probably get to do the honors. Killing Zechs, that is.
It's a pity, though. He would have made a formidable ally.
From what I know, those two have been going at it since last April. Our
first day out, and what does Heero get? A lovely swim in the Pacific, and a
personal introduction to the Lightning Baron.
Welcome to Earth, Heero. I hope it treats you better than it treated me.
That's not so hard as it seems.
At least you remember your first day.
You remember it, you repeat it, hell, you've based the mission around it.
Earth gave you life.
Earth gave me Hell.
You never told me about your life in the colonies, Heero. You never
discussed your training with me, how Dr. J found you, selected you, trained
you.
Would you like to hear about my training, Heero?
Perhaps it would bring some emotion into your face. Then again, maybe
not. You've always been a bit of a sadist. More of a masochist, but a sadist
nonetheless. You'd laugh at my stories. The whole world would laugh at my
stories...except maybe Duo...or Quatre...but I couldn't tell them.
I can't tell anybody. I never have.
I never will.
Would you believe that I, Trowa Barton, could lose? Could give in?
But I wasn't Trowa Barton then. I never will be Trowa Barton. I hate
Trowa Barton. I hate him more than I hate OZ. More than I hate the White Fang.
More than I hate myself.
Nanashi.
The little boy with no name.
The brave little soldier with no name.
The brave little soldier who will someday grow, and gain a mind of his
own. "We can't let him get away..."
So that was your insurance policy, huh? Make me stay! Scare me into--
No...
Not again...
I've got to stop thinking about that...
..........
Better.
A clear head is my facade. My mask.
How ironic was that? I join the circus, and they give me a mask. THAT
mask. A star, a smile, and a tear. Covering only half of my face. Like my
hair. I'm glad it grew in that way, not letting people see me.
They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul. I'm glad to keep the
curtains down. My soul is a horrible, dark place, filled with blood, tears,
and violations, both mine and my enemies.
And my friends.
What friends?
The pilots? They aren't friends, they're allies.
Wufei is a bastard. He treats people poorly, especially women, he's
arrogant and spiteful, and a hypocrite as well. But I know he wasn't always
like this.
I heard him muttering in his sleep about someone named Meiran. I did some
research into her profile, and found out that they were married, and that she
died soon after. The cause was not indicated, but I know Wufei is still
grieving.
Maybe it had something to do with OZ.
Heero isn't anybody's friend. He's our leader, perhaps, certainly the
strongest of us. The strongest, the most focused, the craftiest, and the
least easily deceived. He's perfect.
Like I would have been.
I envy him. You hear that, Heero? I envy you! I envy your ability to take
your emotions out on others.
Instead of locking them up like me.
Would you blame me for locking them up? All the pain I've gone through,
all the murder, the violence, the torment, those stupid soldiers and their
wonderful "psychology"! Bring the work home, why don't you?! "Bring the kid,
too..."----
Stop it, Nanashi.
Get a hold of yourself. You're letting go again.
Breathe, Nanashi, breathe...
.............
Dear God, if you're out there, let me heal...
Where was I?
Oh yes, friends.
Duo? He has friends. He had a gang on L2, when he was a child. Whether or
not they were his friends or his allies, or both, he had people he could
speak to. And I'm sure he spoke volumes.
But he doesn't like me. Not like that, anyway. He respects me for what I
am--or what he thinks I am--and he trusts me absolutely. But he doesn't seem
to want friendship from anyone. That girl Hirde, for one; I saw the recording
of the conversation they had after she tried to bring us the data on Libra,
and he screamed at her. He was trying not to let her get close to him.
It's a pity, really. He loves her. I can tell.
I know Quatre had friends. He has over two dozen sisters, he has 40
warriors willing to die for him, he went to school like a normal boy, at
least for fourteen years. He had a father who loved him, he has all the money
in space, almost literally. If he survives the war, he'll have a wife, and
children, and a colony all his own, and hundreds of grandchildren if he makes
it to sixty. He has his Koran, and his Allah, and he believes he'll be
protected.
But he wants my company.
My company.
My friendship.
I can't let him have it.
I can't let him be hurt.
The last time he was hurt, he went mad. And he took it out...on me.
Like all the others.
Like the mercenaries, like the soldiers, like Trowa Barton himself!
Yes, Trowa Barton himself!!
Why did I become him, after what he did to me?!
Trowa Barton is dead!!! You hear me!!! TROWA BARTON IS DEAD!!!
AND I'M GLAD!!!!!
NANASHI IS DEAD!!!!!!
--------------
Stop bringing this on yourself, Nanashi.
You won't die.
You can't die.
If you died, who would mourn?
Calm down, Nanashi.
Breathe....
............
............
It's your fault, you know.
You're not having a good day.
You can't control your thoughts today.
Is it the mission? Is it going to be too hard for you, Nanashi?
Are you letting go?
"Trowa...Hey, Trowa! It's your move!! Wake up!"
"Oh. Sorry, Duo."
Never again.
"Checkmate."