I Can't
A look inside the mind of a Gundam pilot
Something feels different about you, Sandrock.
Something is wrong.
No.
Maybe Howard souped you up a bit. He's such a nice man, taking us in like
this, lending us Peacemillion, and his help.
Could Zechs really have planned this?
That's what Howard said. "Just like Zechs planned."
I don't think Zechs meant to join White Fang. He was probably just in the
wrong place at the wrong time. After that unfortunate incident...
The Sank Kingdom.
Gone.
Again.
Poor Miss Relena.
It's been a bad year for her;
First, her father. Then the Sank Kingdom. And now the World Nation.
Everything she loves, everything she worked for, taken away, one by one.
And Heero isn't helping her much.
What is wrong with that boy?
He certainly acts like he loves her, in his own, slightly twisted way.
It's her name he calls, whenever he's about to die. He can't harm her, even
though he's tried so many times.
But, then again, he can't hurt Duo either.
He can hurt me.
He has hurt me.
I guess I don't have that effect on him; inspiration and all that. He
knows that I am not as strong as the others.
I don't think Heero likes me very much.
In fact, I don't think he likes me at all.
When he said he was going to kill me, I know he meant it. But he passed
out, so I was safe.
And it was only pity that kept him from killing me when we had been
captured. And it was only Relena that kept him from killing me in the Sank
Kingdom. And urgency when the others attacked.
And company now. We need all the help we can get against the White Fang.
So he'll keep me alive. For now.
It's really a pity, though. I like him.
I admire Heero.
He's so resolute. And powerful. And indomitable.
That's Heero in a word. Indomitable.
Nobody will ever command Heero.
Heero will never say "I can't."
Not even the ZERO system can control him now.
The ZERO system...
.................
It's all my fault.
I made it.
I made it and now I have paid the price.
The cause of my sins in outer space...
I can still hear them....the voices....all those people on that colony....
L....
Four....
oh...one...three....eight!
Those poor, defenseless people!
And I....
...........
No, Quatre. It wasn't you. It was the system.
It was the system that almost destroyed Trowa.
It was the system...the system you built.
Never again.
But the sad thing is, Quatre, you knew what you were doing. You knew that
you were destroying colonies right and left. You knew it was Trowa you were
shooting. You knew it was Heero. But you didn't care. You were in control.
I was in control.
The system didn't break you, Quatre. It broke the others.
Duo snapped.
I remember him telling me about his turn. He said he had hallucinated,
and thought he was using the cannon when he had been using the saber the
entire time. He saw himself killing the girl he was living with, Hirde, and
destroying the colony. What disturbed me most were his eyes. Heero let us
play back the recording of the battle, and Duo's eyes were hard and grey. It
made my heart ache just thinking about what he was seeing.
Wufei's turn was less disturbing, but no less important. He had seen
Zechs and Treize as his enemies. But he also became bloodthirsty while he was
on it, and nearly shot down the shuttle with Sally and Heero on it. At least
that's what he told me. I don't know what else he saw.
And Trowa, poor Trowa! He fought blind, nearly annihilating the colony he
was protecting at the time, with his sister on it, and Duo as well. The
overload of information jostled his memory, sure, but he was still shaken by
the system and won't go near it now. His eyes were brassy and firelit. So
uncharacteristic.
Trowa, I never felt as hurt as when I couldn't apologize for what I had
done to you. It wasn't the system, it was me. Really me.
Heero has it under control. Now, anyway. I'll bet he had it under control
the first time, too, to some extent. He wanted to destroy the base. He wanted
to kill me.
Because I am not like him.
Not strong like him. Not inspiring like him. Not as good a fighter as
him.
But I have a family. I have money, and I had a life. I have a god, I have
friends, I have my Sandrock, I have a home.
That's what it is. Heero's jealous.
Jealous of a weakling like me. Imagine that.
Heero Yuy, the perfect soldier, jealous of a weakling like me.
That's why he can hurt me.
Because in hurting me, he's really helping himself.
Heero is a sadist.
A real sadist.
He laughs as he kills.
Then again, so does Duo.
But Duo laughs because he's trying not to cry. He has to laugh, to keep
himself from breaking down. His laughter is like his shield; he shoots it out
at people when they try to get in his way.
Heero laughs because he is taking genuine pleasure out of killing people.
Heero can't cry.
His tear glands were removed as part of his training, I'll bet.
What did Dr. J do to you, Heero?
Where did he find you?
How long have you been his puppet?
............
It wasn't like that with me and Instructor H. The instructor was my
friend. He taught me in a caring manner, even if we had to learn in secret.
Master O and Wufei would get along well, and I know nothing about Doktor S
and Trowa. But Duo and Prof G., well, they seem to be perfect together.
When I last saw Dr. J., he seemed like a cruel, conniving man. He was so
deformed, and, well, sadistic. Morbid. And the way he and Heero interacted
was exactly like that. Mission given, mission accepted. Statistics analyzed,
statistics utilized. J. left the planning to Heero as to what was to be done,
but whatever J. assigned, happened.
Did he ever hurt you, Heero?
Is that why you feel no pain now?
Because he drained you of it?
Oh, by Allah...
...........
That's it, isn't it! That's the reason you fight! Because you can't hurt
them back...
Relena hurts you every time you think of her.
Duo hurt you in the past, and you know he could again.
Trowa hurt you by letting you live.
Wufei hurt you that day at New Edwards, and you can't kill the messenger.
Dr. J. has been stabbing you since the moment you started training!
And I can't hurt people....
So you come after me.
Because I can't fight back.
...........
Well, sorry, Heero Yuy!
I can fight back!
I will fight back!
I AM stronger than you!
I AM!
I can control the System!
I defeated you in battle!
I am a survivor!!!
...........
What am I saying?
I can't beat you, Heero.
Because I'd want you to win.
I'm too kind.
"Quatre..."
"Hm?"
"I've asked Howard to install the ZERO system in Sandrock."
No! Not the System!
I knew it! Sandrock...
This is it, Heero.
This is where you kill me.
Killing me with kindness.
Like I would have done.
Like I would have done!
"What?! No, Heero! Not the ZERO!"
I......can't.