I Will Not Regret This
A look inside the head of a Gundam Pilot
I hate my sister.
No, I don't.
I can't. She's all I have left.
Fine, then. I hate how my sister acts.
That's allowed.
Isn't it?
I hate how she thinks. I hate pacifism.
There's no place for me in pacifism.
Because I am a true soldier.
The Lightning Baron. The Lightning Count. Colonel Zechs Merquise.
Ambassador Milliardo.
Commander Milliardo.
Commander Milliardo of the White Fang Rebel Organization.
That sounds rather oxymoronic, doesn't it. "Rebel Organization". Like
"Military Intelligence". Like "Successful Dictator".
Like "Clean Earth".
I guess I knew that Earth was tainted from the start. I still enjoyed it,
though, when I was young. Playing "Pirates" with Lord Treize, fencing
lessons, teatime with Relena and Nurse in the littler dining room. My little
fort in the woods out back, made from fallen branches and leftover sheets.
Father hated that fort, when he found out about it.
I remember exactly what he said.
"There is no need for a fort here, son. If we're lucky, and work hard,
there will be no more forts in the world."
"But father, I like the fort."
"Oh? Tell me why, Milliardo."
"It protects me."
"From what?"
"The mosquitoes."
He laughed then. The last time I heard him laugh out loud.
The next weekend, Lord Treize came to visit again. When we were in the
fencing salon, I told him what my father had said about the fort, and why he
had taken it down. Treize thought it was absurd.
"It's because you didn't give him the right reasons, Prince. You should
have said that it was to protect you from ME!"
And with that he had initiated a match. The first match I won against
him. He was so surprised when I won. I had him pinned against the wall by the
window, and then he said those fateful words.
"You were right. You don't need to be protected from me. Prince
Milliardo, you are a true soldier."
That was just like you, Treize.
And where are you now, Treize? Saying the same to thousands upon
thousands of tainted Earthlings, telling the whole world to go and kill me.
But I don't need to be protected from you, Treize. You said it yourself.
I never told him what you said.
I never got the chance.
You know what happened. And where I was when my castle was being attacked.
At the fort. Avoiding the mosquitoes.
I could have saved them.
Couldn't I?
No.
Because I am weak.
I am weak and heartless.
Heartless.
Wars are heartless.
And here I am, out in space, declaring war.
On the tainted Earth.
I have every right to.
Don't I?
Yes.
I have every right to blow Earth out of the sky.
I have every damn right to blow Earth right out of the sky.
I have the capability to do it, which is more important. I'm sitting in
it right now.
The Battleship Libra.
My own personal Death-star.
Hmmm.
.............
Noin, I wonder?
Do you remember when we watched those movies at Victoria?
Those really old movies, from the C.E. time, when they measured the
years in thousands, and dreamt about space?
How silly you thought Leia's hair was? Not to mention Amidala's.
I loved those old movies. The power-games, the plots, all the heroism and
horror and love and loathing all rolled into one.
I remember when we first saw Darth Vader.
We were sitting on the couch in the Cadet Lounge. There was nobody else
there; it was the holiday season. I had nowhere to go, and you had just
gotten back from your externship in space. With Treize. There were only five
of us on base, and they were elsewhere.
Vader strode onto the screen, with his black cape flowing behind him. And
that mask.
You probably noticed when I shifted in my seat.
You turned to me, and then away. Then you reached up and just touched my
mask with your right hand, staring in horror at the vidscreen.
Was it horror?
No, more like wonder. And what you said....
"You can tell he's the villain. They always hide behind masks."
Oh, how I wanted to just rip that ostentatious silver apparatus off my
face, and show myself to you! I wanted you to see how I looked, I wanted to
see you without having to stare through glass, I wanted to take that lovely
right hand of yours and just press it into my cheek, Lucreczia! I wanted to
prove to you that I would never be the villain. Ever.
I very nearly did.
What a fool I was.
I am a villain now.
I am such a....
Liar.
And a coward.
I could have told you then, Lucreczia.
Lucreczia.
I should have.
But did I?
No......
.....liar......
.............
What have I become?
Mad.
No! It's the world that is mad!
It's humankind that is mad!
Humankind starts wars!
Even in the old movies!!
It wasn't the peaceful Yoda, or the moronic Jar-Jar Binks! It wasn't the
Hutts, or the Wookies, or the Droids!
It was Vader. And Palpatine.
And Treize!!!
It isn't me who started this war, it's you!
Palpatine!
Treize!
Heartless bastards!!!
Heartless idiotic belligerent sadistic BASTARDS!!!
...............
Noin....
Where are you?
Do you still...
...hate me?
For being the villain that I am?....
....it was me, wasn't it?
Me behind the mask.....
Threatening planets at my own mere whim....
Killing millions in a single shot....
I've killed more than Treize.
Do you know that, Lucreczia?
I've killed more than Treize!
And he has the obsessive courtesy to ask their names, and remember them
with all of his sick, rose-scented heart.
I don't.
I've never even tried.
Because I am weak.
...........
If I'm so weak, what am I doing in control of this ship?
If I'm so weak, why can't the Gundams take me?
Oh, here's a good one;
If I'm so weak, why does Epyon cooperate with me?
And an even better one;
If I'm so weak, why do you love me, Lucreczia?
..........
Because I'm weak enough to love you back.
Because Epyon takes pity on me.
Because Quinze made me feel needed.
Because the Gundams are weak too;
05 and his pride.
04 and his kindness.
03 and his pain.
02 and his insanity.
01....
01 is strong....
Heero Yuy...
He wears a mask.
Just like me.
...........
I'll let him win.
When the time is right.
In the meantime, I have a war to take care of.
............
Hey, Darth Vader.
Your successor is coming home.
Soon.
"Commander Milliardo; the Tallgeese is approaching at a high speed."
"Let me do it."
Well, well, Palpatine. Aggressive, aren't you?
"I want to put an end to Treize myself."
I will not regret this.