THE NEVERENDING SPERM COUNT

DC: Give me the run down of your average visit to the sperm bank?

KM: Well, first of all, they tell me to park in this validated lot out in back of the building. I can sense that the Filipino women who works in the parking lot is intrigued and baffled by all of us young, virile teenage kids who keep parking there with validation from the sperm bank. So I go to the back, enter through the alley, I punch in my pin number, and go inside.

DC: Why do you enter through the back way and not the front?

KM: Because we're top secret, I guess. They don't want us to meet the potential clients. Basically, the patrons in the front are the ones who are paying for the service we perform, the sperm bank people don't want us running into each other. When I told my brother that I was donating sperm, he was like "Why don't you just see if one of those women wants the direct deposit?"

DC: And cut out the middleman?

KM: Yeah, I mean, why get this cryogenically frozen, from-concentrate, stuff when you can get the direct deposit, right? (laughs) So I punch in my code and have my hand scanned. It takes all the measurements of my hand's length, breadth, and width and says "I.D. verified." Then the woman at the front desk greets me-they never use my name. There's this one worker who always calls me "guy". He's always like, "Hey guy, how you doing?"

DC: Have you come up with a name for your member yet?

KM: (pause, then realizing this is for posterity) Yeah, he's my Magic Johnson- he always comes through in the clutch.

DC: Okay, so what happens next?

KM: Well, then the person behind the glass hands me a sterile plastic cup with my number on it and I go into this little room that looks like your typical doctor's examination room. There's a sink and a sign that says, "Please wash your hands." There's a television with a VCR and a lone chair.

DC: No bed?

KM: Just a seat. A padded chair.

DC: Do you have to produce upright in the chair?

KM: Yeah, or sometimes I stand up.

DC: But if you're thinking about a stimulating sexual encounter...

KM: Ya know, I used to go in and just sit down on the chair, but the last few times I've taken to standing. It kinda spices things up a little.

DC: What type of pornography do they treat you to on the tube?

KM: Pretty high quality stuff. All the big stars.

DC: So you get all worked up and stand there in the room aroused. How do you get started, when your first move on yourself?

KM: Well I try to be gentle and caring at first-just kidding-I used to just lower my pants to my knees and have at it, but the last few times I've been taking my shirt off, too.

DC: You get yourself in the mood?

KM: Oh, moods everything. Sometimes I'm in a rush, though, I'll be driving around the city, all stressed out, but I know I've got an appointment at the sperm bank to relieve some tension. It's a good 10 minute break where I know what's gonna go down. So I just pull down my pants and go to work. Depending upon how much time I have I'll either be in and out of there in five minutes or sometimes I'll try to make it last, make it an enjoyable experience.

DC: Like a really good date?

KM: Yeah. (chuckles) I'll cruise for a while, like for 10 minutes, and take it all in.

DC: You're there to enjoy yourself, right?

KM: Yeah, it shouldn't be hard labor.

DC: Nice pun.

KM: Thanks-yeah. I like to enjoy my work.

DC: Do you bring in any toys or lubricants?

KM: No. There's a sign that tells you not to use lubricants of any kind because it kills the sperm, so it's gotta be a dry run.

DC: Do you ever run into other donors like yourself?

KM: Sure, there are a couple of regulars I see pretty frequently. There's this one guy I see a lot who's sort of a hipster. He's all business, though. He comes in, punches in his number, and grabs his cup. For the most part the donors are a bunch of college kids who need a couple of bucks and probably aren't getting laid very often. They seen a little embarassed about what they're doing.

DC: You mentioned that you have a high sperm count, does the sperm bank offer bonuses for better than average donations?

KM: No, they haven't given me a free big-screen TV yet, but I do sorta do this one competition thing. You know how a woman will sometimes compete with other women, like sizing up their clothing or legs or whatever to see who looks better. Well, I find myself sizing other guys donation cups. I've noticed some of them nearly fill that thing. (Looks off and ponders) The other guys are definitely filling their cups more than me.

DC: But there's a difference between sperm and semen, right?

KM: Yeah, semen is sort of the vehicle and sperm is what actually goes after the egg.

DC: Still, with that souped-up sperm count, you must be pretty pleased that your soldiers mobilize so well.....

KM: Yeah, I certainly don't have the short-man's complex where my sperm's concerned.

DC: What kind of car do you drive?

KM: A Honda Civic, baby.

DC: Man, you are confident.

KM: I suppose so. It was a trip, when they were first testing me to become a donor, they put a microphone up to my nuts and asked me to tense like I was going to the bathroom. It makes you feel like cattle in way. So I did that and then there was this sound booming out of the speaker system (simulates the sound of a fierce wind through the trees). It sounded so ominous.

DC: That was the battle cry of the sperm, I bet.

KM: Yeah, they were rallying.

DC: Have you learned anything of value about the sperm bank, or do they keep you mainly in the dark?

KM: There was this one really interesting thing I found out last week. I asked them if they've ever had an ex-donor ask them for their own sperm years later, like people who become sterile, and she told me that that wasn't uncommon. They had this one guy who was married and had three kids and decided to have a vasectomy, then some years later he wanted kids again and went to the sperm bank to see if they could help him. They ended up giving the guy eight vials that they'd kept frozen from years before. So that's another cool thing. Say I become sterile somewhere down the line, I got my team on ice over the sperm vault.

DC: How do you feel about having a progeny of Biblical proportions roaming the earth, like Noah?

KM: That's a pretty wild thought...

DC: What is one of those many descendants looks you up somewhere down the road?

KM: They told me that at 18 years old the child gets a copy of my profile. They say that sometimes the kids and even the sperm recipients are tenacious and will go on a mad search to find the donor.

DC: So they can pull your file and look you up?

KM: Actually, not really, we're advised to keep the file somewhat vague. But I put in it I'm a photographer, a student, and that I've done some acting. I've heard that sometimes the sperm recipient will hunt you down sort of using deductive logic and figure who you are by your profile.

DC: Do you hide the fact that you're a sperm donor from your friends or people you date?

KM: Not even...once I was with this girl on the way to school and I just pulled into the back alley and threw on the hazard lights and was like, "Hold on-I'll be right back!" Then I'm back down in the cat and 50 dollars richer.

DC: Do the sperm bank people restrict you in any way in your social life?

KM: Well, you have to abstain a day before donating. One morning before I went in and had a wet dream-I was bummed, it cost me 50 bucks! Also they say to stay away from Jacuzzis 'cause the heat kills sperm, and that I shouldn't smoke pot.

DC: Can your semen be denied if tests show you've smoked the evil weed?

KM: No. They suggest that I avoid excessive marijuana smoking. They understand that we're college kids and it might happen.

DC: What's the secret to the high sperm count?

KM: I don't know, I'm just a fountain of youth, I guess.

DC: Have you considered the possibility of cloning, like they might clone you from your semen?

KM: I'm not sure they can do that.

DC: But you don't know, right? Someday you might see 10 of you walking down the street.

KM: What if they start selling me at 7-Eleven or giving me away with Happy Meals, "Get a free Kenny Clone and your very own Atreyu doll."

DC: Okay, back to the donating room of love...You have this little cup that you're trying to shoot into, right?

KM: Yeah.

DC: And you're ready to produce, I imagine, affixing that cup over your member.

KM: Right.

DC: Well that's not very sexy. How do you get the job done?

KM: It's slightly anti-climatic, really. It takes some mental work. Then there's capturing all of the semen, so you have to be extra careful to get every last drop. It's painstaking sometimes.

DC: Like getting all the jam off the butter knife?

KM: That's an apt description, yeah.

DC: Do you ever feel cheap or whorish afterward?

KM: No, I think the 50 dollars they give me brings a certain level of clarity to the whole process.

DC: Good answer. have you ever grappled with any moral dilemmas like is this the way God intended?

KM: My friends have said, "Doesn't this freak you out that you're gonna have a bunch of kids running around?" I tell 'em it freaks me out that I can't pay the rent. There's no moral dilemma for me, I'm giving people a gift that without me wouldn't be possible. I'm helping people fulfill a major part of their lives, which is to give birth to and raise a child.

DC: Would you willingly meet with your offspring down the line if they should discover you're their biological father?

KM: This is something that I've put some thought into and I'm still not sure yet. But because of the person that I am, I welcome those things. So yeah, I'm ready to see what happens in the year 2016 due to my choice in 1998. Let's see what it brings. I may totally regret it, but either way, it's going to be interesting.

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