The EPA's "Got You!"

by Ken Lachnicht

 

While driving along a highway an EPA agent noticed someone working under the hood of a car parked at the side of the road.

Curious, the agent stopped his car a short distance past that car. He slammed the door of his car shut, then walked towards the man and his disabled car. As he did, he witnessed the man close the hood of the car, then reach down to a can on the ground by his feet and pick it up.

Quickening his steps, the agent reached into his breast pocket and pulled out a pad of paper and pen. With practiced effort, he began writing as he got closer to the man.

"Stop!" he demanded. Then in his most most officious voice he declared "You are violating our EPA regulations on moving toxic waste. Put that can down!"

"The can is empty," the surprised man said.

"I fine you $2,000 and 2 years in jail for moving it without written authorization from the EPA." The agent declared. "If you don't put it back down, it will be $5,000 and 5 years! for ignoring my warning."

Incredulous at the agent's presence and absurd threats, the man asked "Are you nuts?" He looked at the can, then at the agent. "If you want it, you can have it. I was just going to put in in my trunk and get rid of it at the next gas station I fill at."

The agent refused to accept the can the man held out towards him. "Put that can down," he demanded again.

Obviously confused, after placing the can on the grass, the man turned and walked towards the car's trunk and closed it. As he got into his car, he ignored the agent who was waving a pad of paper at him and saying something about being in trouble for leaving the place of an illegal dumping, or something like that.

Two years later, after he got out of jail, the man drove his car down that same highway. In the distance he saw a truck at the side of the road with two people next to it kneeling on the ground. Curious, he slowed down his car and stopped it a short distance from them.

He got out of his car, then walked towards them. As he did he noticed that they were looking at a can similar to the oil can he had used that fateful day. "Hey," he said. "What are you doing?"

When the kneeling men looked up towards him, he noticed that one of them was the same EPA agent who had him fined and put into jail.

In righteous anger, he asked the agent: "Why is that can still on the ground?"

The EPA agent replied: "we had a team of 10 engineers and spent $2,000,000 testing the soil for a quarter mile around this dumping site to determine the extent of the damage to the environment."

Standing up with his partner, the agent continued his statement, pride evident in his expression and words. "Next year we will complete the plan to remove this can."

Astounded, the man asked the agent "why did you fine me $2,000 and put me in jail for 2 years?"

"To make an example of you," the agent replied. "Congress was about to cut back on our cleanup funds. Your jail time showed Congress just how serious the problem is out here. And your fine, well, we used it to cover the mailing costs of solicitations for voter support and donations."

Smiling at the man, the second agent added: "As a convicted felon, we didn't need your permission to include your picture in our newsletter."

Elbowing his partner, the first agent continued: "Donations went up 20% after people saw that picture of you in chains."

The man's jaw dropped open in surprise, then in anger he pulled a gun out of his pocket and shot the first EPA agent dead.

Afterwards, the man was acquitted for murdering the agent by reason of insanity. But, he was again sent to jail for introducing a hazardous material (the lead bullet), into the environment (the agent's body) without prior EPA authorization.

Postscript

Its been reported that the Federal Justice Department is considering prosecuting him for a hate crime. It seems, that they believe they have a good case against him on behalf of the environment.

 

Visit our

Enter the library through its
Opening page

Return to the Library's Literary Corner

Your EMAIL comments are invited

Copyright © 2001 Ken Lachnicht Reprinted with permission by
CHAMPIONS Management Support Services, Inc. All rights reserved.

 Return to top