SMART REPLIES

Al Capp, creator of the famous comic strip Lil Abner, was
one day invited to a university to give a lecture to the
students.
Before he could begin speaking to the large group
assembled in the auditorium a very unkempt-looking student at
the 
back
shouted a vulgar word at him.
The word rang in everyone's ears. There was a shocked
silence but Capp, keeping his composure, said : " Now that
you've
given us your name, what's your question ?"

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A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street
when he came face to face with a rival. The street was too
narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his
full height, said haughtily " I never make way for fools !"
Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said :" I always do."

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A politician, who was very small-sized, was often derided by
an opponent, a tall, well-built man.
One day the opponent walked up to him, looked down
sneeringly and said loudly :" You know, I could just swallow
you up !"
In that event," said the little fellow, looking up," you would
have more brains in your stomach than you'll ever have in your head!"

*****************

At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud
young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. 
When he was served a piece of meat, he picked
it up with his fork, held it up and smirked :" Is this pig?"
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly :"Which end of
the fork are you refering to ?"

****************

The ultimate repartee must be that of R.B. Sheridan, the
political enemy of William Pitt. Pitt was provoked one day to say to him 
scornfully: "You will come to your end upon the gallows
or of a venereal disease."
That depends, Mr Pitt," replied Sheridan,"on whether I embrace
your principles or your mistress."