It Is Not Easy To Be a Good Parent Every once in a long while, I meet a few parents who act as if they know exactly how to handle their children. The shadow of a doubt never crosses their minds. Such super-confidence takes my breath away! Ages ago parents acted like this. But today mothers and fathers who have no uncertainties, who never have second thoughts are few and far between. Every time I meet one of that vanishing breed of know-it-alls, I think of the wonderful line: "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you probably don't know what is going on." That really could be their trouble! Being a good parent is a tough, demanding job. No one can do it without a lot of hard work and hard thinking. It is not a simple business of getting answers down pat that hold true for ever and everywhere. Children - even those within the same family - are different and need different responses. Each situation is a little different. Worst of all: Children trap us into making split-second decisions. They move so fast. They cook up so many bright new ideas. They see so many possibilities: things to touch, to taste, to explore, places to go. The parent is on the spot. Should you say "Yes"? Should you say "No"? ...and you don't have all day to make up your mind. Should you stop what your child is doing? Or let the behavior go on? Or dream up some substitute activity? You can't call a committee meeting or appoint a study group. A parent has to act on the spur of the moment. That is the nature of the job. You have to do what seems sensible to you, and do it right then and there. Add to all the standard difficulties the fact that today so many parents do their job under bad working conditions. Parents don't have the space they need so their children can run, climb, build and make noise. Their too-little space gets filled with dangerous things, and spillables, breakables, and expensive things. Children are led into mischief because the setting isn't right. It is hard - impossible, almost - for many parents to provide sand and mud and water, materials young children dearly love (and materials that help youngsters simmer down and behave better!). In addition, our grownup lives today are so full. Few of us have the time we wish we had; we end up with an awful sense of always being rushed. So many of us are raising our children all on our own, single parents. That's a hard way to do the job. Even when two parents are present, the chances are that the family is miles away from their original home base, far from friends and relatives. Things always go easier in old, familiar settings. It is so easy to see why good parents today have some doubts and worries. That is very understandable, but what worries me: just as I occasionally meet a few know-it-alls, I also meet many consciensious mothers and fathers - too many! - who say, "I'm probably doing everything wrong." I'm persuaded that many of those parents are being too hard on themselves. If you worry too much and put yourself down too often, let me say a fact or two about children which may bring some relief. One important point: Children are tough critters! They don't have to be handled perfectly. If you make a decision that is a real boner, your child may cry bloody murder at the moment, or for a short while sulk and be out of sorts. But young children have a remarkable capacity to bounce back. They make very quick recoveries and the moments of unhappiness pass. Of course, if shouts of bloody murder go on all the time, something is out of kilter. Family life never sounds like a choir of angels but it doesn't have to sound like a battlefield either. SO: Do watch out if your child feels as if he or she always gets a rough deal. That would be too bad. No youngster can take being on the losing side time after time. But all youngsters can take occasional downtimes. No lasting scars will show from that. Another fact to keep in mind: Children don't need angels for parents. They don't need "experts" for parents. The only kind of parent your child really needs is YOU. Sometimes mothers or fathers say to me: "You probably wouldn't approve of what I do." If they stick pins in their child I certainly wouldn't approve! But the inescapable fact is that we each have to be ourselves and raise our own children in our own style. Some of us are more excitable than others; we have a shorter fuse and make a louder noise when we blow our tops. We each have our own sore points; we get upset by behavior that others can take in their stride. We have our hopes and our dreams and our goals. All we can give to our children is ourselves, complete with our peculiarities, our foibles, our foolishness ...our love. That is all a child asks for and all a child needs. But: We don't have to stay our same old selves through all the years! We can think. We can learn. We can change. That brings me to one last fact: Children always come back for more! If you and your child got into some conflict and you wonder if you made the right decision, don't fret. You can be sure the trouble will come up again (!) and again (!!). That's one of the wonderful things about children. Of course, it is also one of the things that can drive us crazy! But the bright side is that children are giving us the chance to change. If we did make an error in judgment, in all the next times that are sure to come, we have the chance to react more wisely. A parent is like the batter in baseball. You swing and miss the ball completely but it takes three strikes to put you out. And if you should strike out - in baseball even the very best players do - you will get another turn at bat, a chance to do better the next time. You may come to feel it would be wiser to put up with some behaviors, instead of stopping them. Or you may want to try talking things over more with your youngster, explaining, instead of simply stopping what your child is doing. Or you may want to be more inventive, coming up with some bright ideas - diversions, distractions, substitutes - instead of flat "No"s. No one can spell out all the possibilities in advance, but this can be said for sure: The secret to good parenting lies in thinking, not in staying in a rut. You hear a lot about how important it is to be consistent with children, always doing and saying the same thing. There is truth in that. You can't flip-flop every whipstitch until a child never knows what goes and what doesn't. But there is more truth in another idea: Children are better off having a thinking parent than a consistent parent who has a closed mind! It is the thinking that makes being a good parent such a hard job. "I think a relaxed, `stop to smell the roses' attitude can only come from within each individual. Whatever each person can do to maintain that attitude is great. For me, it may be taking a few deep breaths when I feel my body tensing, or sitting down and doing a meditation or relaxation every day. It also helps to remind myself that all I have is this very moment - past and future do not exist. Then I can truly be present with my children and myself." "Learn to say no - even to friends. It sounds simple, but I'm beginning to see how hard it is. I have Two Boys " TWINS" and because of them I am becoming more involved in their activities and the community too, these are usually fun and enjoyable, but when every night of the week is booked. It's time to cut back and spend time at home as a family." "Turn off the T.V.! At first it may be painful, but after several weeks, you'll all be calmer, closer, and you'll realize how much of your valuable time T.V. was wasting." Children learn through active play. Children are compelled to play. Through play, children acquire knowledge about the world. They learn to function as human beings and find joy in doing things well. Children are minds and muscles. Both must be exercised. As children play, they act upon objects in the world around them. They respond to the actions of others. Doing and thinking become related. Read to your child and read to yourself. You are your child's best role-model. If you enjoy reading, that feeling will be contagious. Let your child see you write. Give your child paper and pencils so he or she can practice writing. It may not look like writing to you, but learning to write is like learning to talk. It takes a lot of experimentation and practice. Research shows that early writers are better spellers and readers. "I encourage parents to set summer reading goals.  Some children lose as much as three to four months of newly acquired reading skills during the summer if those skills are not kept up between the school years." Praise your child and his/her work. Encourage your child to do the best he/she is capable of doing. Certain things happen when children play: Children are testing the world. Children are beginning to understand people and the importance of people's feelings. Children are learning about their own feelings, how to express them, and how to handle them. When children can choose, test, make decisions, relate to others in play, they are learning self discipline. As children play in a friendly and accepting atmosphere, they are becoming more sure of themselves, making their own plans, and learning to judge what is best. In purposeful play, children are learning to think because they are: organizing ideas setting tasks for themselves talking repeating what works solving problems challenging themselves trying new ways Children are making friends by doing things together. Children at play are not waiting to be entertained. They are finding the joy of achievement--the source within themselves for happiness all their lives. Children need to have fun and know how to create fun.

What's the difference between child abuse and discipline? Discipline is correcting the behavior of a child and showing the child how to behave in a more acceptable way.  It does not have to be physical.  Child abuse is deliberately injuring a child in physical, sexual or verbal ways. Who would abuse a child? People who abuse children are not necessarily crazy or monsters.  They are usually people who don't feel good about themselves, are angry at the world and take it out on children.   Very often, people who abuse children were themselves abused when they were little.  Grownups hurt them when they were young so now, as adults, they are doing the same thing. Child abusers come from all races and religions.  Some are rich, some are poor.   They may be doctors, teachers, laborers or have any other kind of job.  Most are parents who abuse their own children or abuse other children. 12 Alternatives to Hitting and Yelling All children need discipline. But, when discipline means hitting and yelling, children feel bad about themselves and parents still feel frustrated. Try these ideas instead: 1. Have your child sit on a chair for the same number of minutes as her age. Put the chair in a safe place, boring place. 2. Hold a screaming child firmly but gently on your lap until he calms down. 3. If your child breaks a toy by playing roughly, do not replace it. He'll learn for the next time. 4. Take away watching TV, or playing outside, or talking on the phone. 5. Move a young child away from unsafe things. Give her a safe toy. 6. Give choices you can live with. "You can set the table , and play outside later, or, NOT set the table, and NOT play play outside later." 7. Children sometimes act up just to give attention. Don't give in to them. Ignore that kind of behavior unless your child might get hurt. 8. Tell your child that you are disappoined or angry with his behavior, not with him as a person. 9. Practice what you preach. Children will follow your example. 10. Expect to see good behavior, and you are more likely to get it. 11. Work together to write down family rules. Put them where everybody can see them. 12. Say good things too. Children need to know what they are doing right, not just what they are doing wrong.