One recent Tuesday morning, I was flipping through the TV channels at a brisk, no-nonsense, businesslike pace, searching for the Rocky and Bullwinkle marathon, when I found myself engrossed in a fascinating installment of Leeza Gibbons’ talk show, Leeza.  The theme of the show was “Superstars of Diet Wars.”  This was a debate among the top diet experts, who felt so strongly about the way to lose weight that at times they came close to whacking each other over the head with their competing diet books.  (Although my personal guess is that they’re saving that for next weeks appearance on the Jerry Springer show).
Dieting was not always so complicated.  Thousands of years ago, there was only one diet book, entitled Don’t Eat Too Much.  It consisted of a big stone tablet, on which were chiseled the words “DON’T EAT TOO MUCH!”  It did not, however, sell well, because nobody could lift it.  On top of which, everyone back then was busy with other concerns, such as not starving to death.
In modern America, however, food is abundant everywhere (except aboard commercial airlines).  Dieting has become a huge industry, involving many complex theories that can be confusing and overwhelming to the average layperson, sitting on the Barcalounger, trying to decide whether to open a second bag of potato chips, or simply eat the French onion dip straight out of the tub.  So let us review a bit of the ever-evolving, History of Modern Diet Science.
For decades, everybody operated on the Calorie Counter Theory of dieting, which basically states that you should never eat anything that tastes good.  So along comes a new theory, which was a happy change for those of us who are unwilling to give up snack cakes.  Or was it?  This new theory, The Evil Fat Theory, states that you CAN have calories, but you should NOT have fat; this resulted in the multi-billion dollar Low-Fat Things Industry, which has provided us with low-fat brownies, low-fat Milk Duds, low-fat cows, low-fat cologne, the cast of Friends, etc.
But there is another major theory that says you can eat all the fat you want, but you MUST avoid carbohydrates; That means that you can snork down an entire pig for breakfast, but eat a single Fruit Loop, and you’ll bloat out like a military life raft.  The Evil Carbohydrate Theory is extremely hot at the moment, as is evidence by the top-selling diet books, which include Carbohydrate Busters, Carbohydrate Whackers, Let’s Poke Carbohydrates in the Friggin’ Eyeball, and Fight Carbohydrates Through Magic, the David Copperfield Way.
So it is hard for a dieter to know what to accurately think. Which is why it was so helpful for the Leeza show to hold a debate among the leading diet experts, including: several medical doctors, several people with scientific initials after their hard to pronounce last names, and of course, Suzanne Sommers, who may yet win a Nobel Prize for her work on the thigh master, and who is now a top diet authority with a book out.  It is only a matter of time before she thinks seriously about running for president.
So anyway, the diet experts debated their theories, and Leeza walked around the room, frowning with the deep concern that talk-show hosts feel about everything.  The audience provided feedback by holding up cards that declared YES on one side, and NO on the other.  (At one point, an expert mentioned the first law of thermodynamics, and Leeza asked if anyone knew what that was; the audience consensus was NO).  In between, there were numerous commercials, most of which were for law firms that want to Fight For You, although there was also a thought-provoking one for a toilet cleanser.
Anyway, I watched the experts debate for nearly an hour (while missing Rocky and Bullwinkle), and here’s what I learned:
? The (pick one: low-calorie, low-fat, low-carbohydrate) diet really works!
? Whereas the (pick one: low-calorie, low-fat, low-carbohydrate) diet will probably kill you.
? Suzanne Sommers, in all objectivity, thinks you should buy her book.
? If you are a human being of any kind, you should file a lawsuit, because YOU HAVE MONEY COMING!
? Speaking of TV attorneys, toilet bacteria grows like crazy.

So there are the facts, consumers.  It is now up to you to make an informed decision.  It’s YOUR body.  And, as such, mine wants a chilidog.

Krista Rae Depperschmidt
1999