A wise Scotsman, (Andrew, you and Nicola know to whom I'm referring), recently brought to my attention the incredible amounts of time and money that is being committed to the celebration of the change of the millennium. I know, you're wondering where I've been that it was necessary for someone to point this out to me. Well, if you must know, I've been contemplating my navel. Naturally, if one is to do a proper job of navel contemplation, one must close one's self out from outside distractions. Hence my lack of awareness of the situation concerning the millennium.

Now first, it must be stressed that the change in the millennium will occur between Dec. 31, 2000 and Jan. 1, 2001. It does NOT occur at the end of 1999! One starts out counting by starting at one, not at zero. Unfortunately, vast numbers of your fellow humans (I have mentioned that I am merely a visiting extra-terrestrial, haven't I? Yes, to answer your question, we E.T.s do have navels, several of them as a matter of fact.) refuse to accept or even admit that fact, so the planning continues for the celebration at the end of this year.

This is the point at which humor leaves the scene. As Andrew made clear, what madness possesses people that, with so many highly deserving places crying out for funding, they intend to spend literally billions of dollars (pounds, rupees, etc.) on nothing more or less than a purely symbolic event? (Remembering, of course, that the true event is actually one more year away). There are starving children to be fed, diseases to be cured, a planet to clean up. Now if we were to dedicate our time and money to making the world a better place, wouldn't that be a great way to celebrate the millennium? Wouldn't that be the legacy to hand to our children?

But no, despite the pious hand-wringing of world leaders and the many media articles about the state of the world, when Dec. 31, 1999 comes along, those same world leaders will be hosting gala events which will be photographed and written about by the media. Meanwhile, more children will have died of starvation and disease, the world will have gotten more polluted, and society will be that much worse than before. Perhaps the only good note is that at this rate, there will be no one around to waste money celebrating the millennial change in the year 3000!