Thanks to Tom for pointing out to me the desperate need the world has for someone to rend the veil of silence and expose the conspiracy formed by cloth manufacturers. Though not a particularly brave man, this outrageous and egregiously evil plot must be revealed in order to free mankind from the tyranny of the tie. If no real hero will step forward to slay the dragon of fashion, then I, the Milquetoast of my time, will do so.

As has been said before, a man is the only animal who rises in the morning and voluntarily puts a noose around his neck. Why is this? Do we men suffer from some common guilt complex that compels us to believe that death by hanging is not only appropriate but a goal to be desired?

I don't think so. I believe that during the manufacture of clothes of other types, despite the maximum attempt to not have any waste, various strips of cloth were left over. At one time this was simply considered an unavoidable waste and these strips were thrown out for the benefit of the ragpickers.

One day, however, one of the persons (surely the son-in-law of the boss) assigned to research methods of getting the amount of wastage reduced actually had an original thought! To himself he exclaimed, 'Rather than worrying about reducing the amount of wasted cloth, why not simply convert the wasted cloth into some sort of clothing article and have our paid fashion critics proclaim it necessary to wear in order to be considered well-dressed!' Naturally, the people around him, who hated him anyway because he had his job only because he had married the boss's daughter, used the fact of him talking to himself to accuse him of witchcraft and immediately burned him in a huge bonfire.

This saved us from the curse of the cravat for another 100 years until another SOB (Son of Boss) came up with the same idea. Unfortunately this guy was smart enough to not be caught talking to himself so he had the opportunity to pass the word upstairs to upper management. The boss immediately promoted him to head paperclip counter and then announced that he, the boss, had this great idea for making a valuable and necessary clothes article from previously wasted cloth.

After explaining his idea, the boss announced that he could not decide whether to call this item a cravat or a scarf so he was going to magnanimously allow the workers to choose which to call it. After tallying the votes of the 800 workers, it was discovered that the vote was split with 2 people voting for cravat and 2 voting for scarf. The other 796, who had relatives who were employed as ragpickers, were unable to vote as they were attempting to find and burn the SOB who had really come up with the idea. Due to the vote being even, the vote counter announced that it was a tie and the boss, having an IQ only slighter greater than the sum of the three stooges, agreed and pronounced the object to be a tie from henceforth.

As a side note, the introduction of the tie resulted in sharply reduced cloth wastage which meant that an entire industry, (that being the ragpickers) was thrown into disarray and this ultimately precipitated the first and greatest of the depressions and which came to be called the Dark Ages. It received this name because the ragpickers, who were now too poor to even afford candles, could not illuminate their homes and were forced to use the light provided by their computer monitors in order to write letters to the editor of the fashionwear dailies.

Despite the travails and tribulations caused by the introduction of the tie, the infernal item continues to plague mankind. "Pardone, Mssr, but zees restaurant has un dress code! What ceevilized persone could theenk of eating zee chef's famous snails wizout wearing zee tie?"

Now, other than providing an easy choice of birthday, Christmas, and Father's Day gifts, what good has the tie provided the world? Do we really need to see a painting of Rudolph with a small electric bulb flashing hanging about the neck of the boss at the Christmas party? Is it necessary to honor Elvis in this way? What about the risk to the tie-wearer of the deadly combination of ties and shredders? We take keys from the hands of drunk-drivers, so why don't we strip the ties from the necks of office workers? If we fail to act, aren't we becoming enablers for those victims of the tie addiction?

Action is demanded and now is the time and here is the place for that action to happen. We each must pledge an oath to fight this demonical affliction. In the manner of the opponents of fur-wearing, we must carry squirt containers of mustard with us and fearlessly spray each tie we see. Eventually we shall overcome and mankind will be freed of the curse. Oh Glorious Day! Oh Blessed Freedom!