Miscellaneous
A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg.
The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.
A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!"
The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass."
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if
he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's
father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the
house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until
Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father
said, "Well, sorry, but the mortgage is still extremely
high. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of
the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father
felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and
I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said
that you should wait because she was coming too! So I'll
be DAMNED if I'm gonna get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
25 More Things You Will Never Hear A Woman Say...
You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't
blame you for ignoring me.
I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I
still want you right now!
3. This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang
bang.
4. Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot.
5. Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my
blouse.
6. That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to
watch porno's again?
7. I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby-sitter Tracy.
8. You're my daddy! You're my daddy!
9. The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her
over for dinner on Friday.
10. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl?
Good one!
11. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on
fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field
goal they'll still cover.
12. Bar food again!? Kick ass.
13. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your
ex-girlfriend has class.
14. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm
gonna go over and talk to her.
15. I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell
me more.
16. I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the
old one, what a wonderful Valentine's day gift!
17. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times,
then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
18. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you
want 'em?
19. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple
more pitchers.
20. Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila shot off of
Chuck's bare ass!
21. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order
another round for you and your friends.
22. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll
ever change it again.
23. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and
scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again,
ya' big silly!
24. You are so much smarter than my father.
25. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me
watch Sportscenter.
Confession
----------
A drunk staggers into a church and sits down in a confessional
and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his
attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest knocks
on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to
speak.
The drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in
this one either."
A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class
cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the
stewardess asks what they would like to drink.
"Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot.
The businessman orders a coke.
After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts
yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around
and give me my drink!"
The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving the
businessman still thirsty.
Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second round.
The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street
Journal. The businessman asks for another coke.
Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams,
squawking, "You lazy bitch! Where is my drink!" The
poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot
his drink and the newspaper.
The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more
minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey,
bitch! Will you bring me my damn coke?"
Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers
grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and
throw them out of the plane.
At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the
parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of
guts for a guy with no wings."
DESERTED ISLAND
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere
Where the following group of people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman
One month later on this absolutely stunning deserted island
In the middle of nowhere, the following has occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian Woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily
together in a "menage a trois".
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they
alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek
woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean
and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started
swimming.
The Irish began by dividing up their island, Northside and
Southside, and by setting up a distillery. They do not
remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of
foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but at
least the English are not getting any.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide
while the American woman keeps on talking about her body
being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do
everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment,
the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend
respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her
relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the
taxes are low and it is not raining.
...AND...
The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce
them to the Indian woman.
