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More Miscellaneous
The Old Man
An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a
prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, "That's no
problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in
4 pieces."
The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need
them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want
it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
Getting into Heaven
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted.
St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's
name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes
the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see
your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies,
"why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn
type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried
out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting
for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good
deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was
this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group
of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down,
and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing
this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire
iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang.
He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather
jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As
I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around
me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed
him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around
and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent
girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals!
Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago."
Saddam & Clinton
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.
They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in theface. Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again
Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.
They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
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