"Ode to Joy"

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0><script> (function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i['GoogleAnalyticsObject']=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){ (i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o), m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m) })(window,document,'script','//www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js','ga'); ga('create', 'UA-47423994-1', 'fortunecity.ws'); ga('send', 'pageview'); </script> <center> <br> <div> <script language="javascript" type="text/javascript" src="http://ad.broadcaststation.net/ads/show_ad.php?width=728&height=90"></script> </div> </center> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" rowspan="2" width=210 BGCOLOR="#9999FF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="06a76ba3.gif"> <div> <B>My feelings and thoughts about any abuse that any of us might of felt as children.</B></div> <bR> <div> Our Life is About Choices.</div> <bR> <div> <B>Some of the most magnificent men and women in the world had PROBLEMS and SORROWS or were abused in some way or the other. Some of those people turned those hurts and problems into  constructive and creative ways of sharing those feelings with others as they were helping themselves express that energy inside of their souls. I feel I have been one of the blessed ones:)</B></div> <div> <B>One would be Beethoven, he was beaten by his father who was an alcoholic and used his son as a scapegoat. Beethoven was shamed publicly and unmercifully by his father and at times his peers. He felt unloved, a cast out, lonely, frighten, misunderstood,  and betrayed.</B></div> <div> <B>Beethoven lost his one and only "Immortal Beloved" because of an unmanageable thing that happened. He spent his whole life morning that Love.</B></div> <div> <B>Beethoven began to loose his hearing as a result of his fathers beatings. Yet even at this point he wrote this song "Ode to Joy"  completely deaf at the end of his life.</B></div> <div> <B>Instead of blaming others, Beethoven put those sorrows, joys, fears, and many other feelings into his music, thus helping himself as well as others to feel and not feel alone in those feelings.</B></div> <div> <B>Beethoven, like myself and others probably did some those same things to others at times in our own sorrows.</B></div> <div> <B>None of us will die perfectly. Yet we can try and change those things that have hurt us. </B></div> <div> <B> Beethoven  and many others gave me a courage, a will, and a hope to go on and be the best I could be in spite of all the painful things that happened to me in my life as a child. And the things I did to myself and others as an adult before recovery.</B></div> <div> <B>Today I have a choice to set and wait for love and life to happen. Or make it happen. I am learning to express those feelings in healthy way so I can help others heal as well as myself.</B></div> <div> <B>Music was one of the ways that has always helped me to get those feelings out. Another is sharing my story with others so they too may have a hope of a tomorrow and know they are not alone,</B></div> <div> <B>I lived in a world growing up where most people didn't feel. I felt different and separate from most around me. The music does and has allowed me to have and express those feelings, both positive and negative, and feel them with out shame. Writing is another.</B></div> <div> <B> I now try and put those destructive behaviors and words I once had into a constructive ways that help myself heal and feel whole inside.</B></div> <div> <B>Today I try not to blame. I try and help others in their journeys to find their true selves. As I do, God has given me a freedom and many new creative abilities that I never thought was possible. As I share my gifts with others,  I am helped as well.</B></div> <div> <B>There are many others like Beethoven. Wolfgang/Mozart, Bee Gee's,  Oprah Winfrey, ( Whom I love with all my heart).  Oprah has shared her own tragedies with the whole world. As Oprah has shared her life freely she has given me a hope beyond words. Oprah turned all her sorrows into a wonderful way of reaching  others who are wounded and feel trapped. Oprah has given a world shut down in feelings, a way to express them. Oprah is turning her fears into a positive influence on others who share her same experiences.</B></div> <div> <B>There are many many more who have touched my life. Many in 12 step groups. There is not room here to put them all. Thank you God for all of these people. The </B><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#FFFF33" FACE="Arial" ><B>ANGELS</B></FONT><FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#BFBF00" FACE="Arial" ><B> </B></FONT><B>of my life.</B></div> <div> <B>The one thing they have all taught me is that I can set and WAIT for love or Give it. When I give love, love comes back 100 fold.</B></div> <div> <B>God bless you all:)</B></div> <bR> <div>   <script language="JavaScript">  </script>   </div> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=90 BGCOLOR="#99CCFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="06b76bc1egdyqn.gif"> <div> <B> When I look at the future, its so bright, it burns my eyes."</B></div> <div> <B>Oprah Winfrey</B></div> <div> <B>Back to   </B><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Home"><U><B>home</B></U></A><B>        </B><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#CC0000" FACE="Times New Roman" ><B> </B></FONT><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#000033" FACE="Times New Roman" ><B>See list  on bottom of  pages for the rest of my story.</B></FONT></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" height=390 colspan=2 BGCOLOR="#99CCFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="06b76ba3.gif"> <div> <B>"Ode to Joy" </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>" Beethoven"</B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="21fa0780.gif" border=0 width="160" height="120" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>O friends! Not these sounds! But let us strike up more pleasant sounds and more joyful! Joy, o wondrous spark divine, Daughter of Elysium, Drunk with fire now we enter, Heavenly one, your holy shrine. Your magic powers join again What fashion strictly did divide; Brotherhood unites all men Where your gentle wing's spread wide. The man who's been so fortunate To become the friend of a friend, The man who has won a fair woman - To the rejoicing let him add his voice. The man who calls but a single soul Somewhere in the world his own! And he who never managed this - Let him steal forth from our throng! Joy is drunk by every creature From Nature's fair and charming breast; Every being, good or evil, Follows in her rosy steps. Kisses she gave to us, and vines, And one good friend, tried in death; The serpent she endowed with base desire And the cherub stands before God. Gladly as His suns do fly Through the heavens' splendid plan, Run now, brothers, your own course, Joyful like a conquering hero Embrace each other now, you millions! The kiss is for the whole wide world! Brothers - over the starry firmament A beloved Father must surely dwell. Do you come crashing down, you millions? Do you sense the Creators presence, world? Seek Him above the starry firmament, For above the stars he surely dwells</B></div> <bR> <div> <B> <p align="center"><a href="http://www.date-time.com/"> <img src="http://www.date-time.com/cgi-bin/date1.pl?rrutul_9876543" alt="Todays date and Time" border="0" width="167" height="70"></a></center></p>  </B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="3c53f0a0.gif" border=0 width="575" height="10" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <div> <B>A poem I wrote after comming home from having My birth daughter. It is long. yet my whole life has changed 180% since I wrote this when I had two years of soberity. I no longer feel these things. I am happy and free from all those hurt today. Thankyou God</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Come here Go away</B></div> <div> <B>( This poem describes how I - a birthmother </B></div> <div> <B>felt with the aftermath of empty arms and deep loss. I was drinking my self to death. I was totaly lost and alone.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I am the child. I am the one who is crying.</B></div> <div> <B>I am the child, the one who is trying to come out.</B></div> <div> <B>Let me tell you how much I need you.</B></div> <div> <B>I am so lost deep within this woman.</B></div> <div> <B>Please help me to live, I am dying.</B></div> <div> <B>Can you see me? Can you hear me?</B></div> <div> <B>Someone please come lose and listen.</B></div> <div> <B>It is so dark and scary in here.</B></div> <div> <B>I can not come into the light by myself.</B></div> <div> <B>When I try, I am laughed at, slapped, rejected or punished.</B></div> <div> <B>I stay inside and let no one close.</B></div> <div> <B>Years ago when I was very small,</B></div> <div> <B>I think I laughed, I think I smiled, I think I felt joy.</B></div> <div> <B>I can not remember - except for the pain.</B></div> <div> <B>I looked at the trees, the sky, and the birds</B></div> <div> <B>I often asked why.</B></div> <div> <B>No one was listening. No one answered. </B></div> <div> <B>Why doesn't Daddy hug me?</B></div> <div> <B>He's too busy or tired.</B></div> <div> <B>I just want to sit in HIS lap.</B></div> <div> <B>I'm confused.</B></div> <div> <B>The other girls hug their Daddies.</B></div> <div> <B>Something is wrong with me.</B></div> <div> <B>I'm bad. I'm ugly. I'm fat. I'm in the way.</B></div> <div> <B>What's a daddy's girl anyway?</B></div> <div> <B>What's it like to be held, be squeezed, to feel safe?</B></div> <div> <B>Someone listen, Someone hear.</B></div> <div> <B>She looks into the mirror and sees nobody.</B></div> <div> <B>She wants to cry, but the tears are frozen.</B></div> <div> <B>No one has time to hear. WHY?</B></div> <div> <B>The pain is always in here, how do you let them see it?</B></div> <div> <B>The laugher is dead, the silence is loud.</B></div> <div> <B>The fear everywhere, there is no path.</B></div> <div> <B>Circles, big circles, no way out.</B></div> <div> <B>I can't see an ending. The beginning is clouded.</B></div> <div> <B>It's so dark. It's cold. I'm scared.</B></div> <div> <B>What's love anyway? Is it supposed to hurt?</B></div> <div> <B>Are there arms to hold me?</B></div> <div> <B>Is there understanding?</B></div> <div> <B>My tears frighten them. They walk away.</B></div> <div> <B>Help me to understand. I want to love.</B></div> <div> <B>Promises are never kept, smiles are all plastic.</B></div> <div> <B>God! I want to trust you, tell me How!</B></div> <div> <B>Will you love me and then go away too?</B></div> <div> <B>Dark shadows something is there - I cant see what.</B></div> <div> <B>Is it my past? Is it my future?</B></div> <div> <B>It can't be now - Now isn't real.</B></div> <div> <B>I need you - I want you - come close - no go away.</B></div> <div> <B>Good news scares me. It is not true. It won't last.</B></div> <div> <B>The pain is always close.</B></div> <div> <B>Don't give me gifts - you'll take them away.</B></div> <div> <B>Who am I anyway?</B></div> <div> <B>Am I what my mother says? Or what my Father doesn't say.</B></div> <div> <B>Love is not free, everything is priced - I see my soul</B></div> <div> <B>How do I touch them? How do they reach me?</B></div> <div> <B>Feel; tell the truth, only to be rejected.</B></div> <div> <B>Food is my friend - it feels warm - I'm safe - I hate how I look.</B></div> <div> <B>I eat more, they laugh, I cry, I hide.</B></div> <div> <B>Sorrow, sickness, punishment, and pains.</B></div> <div> <B>The games - all the games, I'm loosing.</B></div> <div> <B>What are the rules?</B></div> <div> <B>Is there someone to whisper "I love you?"</B></div> <div> <B>It's a lie anyway.</B></div> <div> <B>Lonely, so lonely. Am I condemned forever?</B></div> <div> <B>God, I am so afraid of you. Are you the one who will save me?</B></div> <div> <B>Will I let you?</B></div> <div> <B>The torture inside me - like busted glass.</B></div> <div> <B>It explodes, it cuts, and I bleed.</B></div> <div> <B>I run to men to find comfort. I must pay for the time.</B></div> <div> <B>Sex, an object, now you'll love me, won't you?</B></div> <div> <B>Look what I have given.</B></div> <div> <B>When it is over, I am empty. I feel dead.</B></div> <div> <B>I want to throw-up, the anger will leave.</B></div> <div> <B>I'll feel peace, I am quiet.</B></div> <div> <B>I eat, use drugs, and drink, flush the guilt and shame away.</B></div> <div> <B>Dreams, what are they? A wife, a Mother, a friend.</B></div> <div> <B>Am I capable to change, to love to be loved?</B></div> <div> <B>Questions, Questions, who has the answers?</B></div> <div> <B>Second in line for everything. </B></div> <div> <B>Something new? Where?</B></div> <div> <B>I'm lost. I'm scared.</B></div> <div> <B>Left overs - I stand-alone.</B></div> <div> <B>I don't want fame or money, I need acceptance.</B></div> <div> <B>God, where am I hidden? I can't find me.</B></div> <div> <B>I'm so angry. How do I tell them? Is it wrong to be angry?</B></div> <div> <B>Other's tell me how I think, how I feel. What to do? It's not me - it's them.</B></div> <div> <B>I'll stay numb. That doesn't bother anyone.</B></div> <div> <B>My thoughts race. I can't slow them down.</B></div> <div> <B>Rules to follow. Rules to obey. They are never the same.</B></div> <div> <B>Double messages. Where is the truth? I want to live. HOW?????</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>---Ginger, 1980</B></div> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="3c53f0a0.gif" border=0 width="575" height="10" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>My Guest book</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I invite each of you to sign my guest book.</B></div> <div> <B>or send me an E-mail </B></div> <div> <B>I would like to know what you are thinking,</B></div> <div> <B>how my web site affected you, </B></div> <div> <B>what you felt when you read MY STORY, </B></div> <div> <B>and any additional comments you may have. </B></div> <div> <B>Thanks, Ginger</B></div> <bR> <div>  <CENTER><P> <A href="http://pub47.bravenet.com/guestbook/show.asp?usernum=3952344062&cpv=1"> <IMG src="http://images.bravenet.com/pub/viewbook.gif" border="0" width="100" height="35"></A> <A href="http://www.bravenet.com/"> <IMG src="http://images.bravenet.com/pub/gbook.gif" border="0" width="100" height="35"></A> </CENTER>  </div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="40473650.gif" border=0 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