Well, I AM quite the adept tree-cutter. Men still tell tales of my youthful prowess. I think I'll go look at some trees right now. Would you give me a demonstration? I bet you've lost it. You couldn't cut down a tree to save your grandmother. I think I'll go look at some trees right now. I can't reach it. I can't, my therapist and I have an agreement. I better not, my scoutmaster warned me to be careful. I don't wanna cut that, man. It's closed. 'The Chicago Manual of Thermodynamic Flux Induction Circuit Design' Great stuff! 'The Chicago Manual of Thermodynamic Flux Induction Circuit Design' I'll bet this'd work better than a sleeping pill. I'd rather not. 'YOU'RE BRILLIANT. WHAT A NOVEL DESIGN. COME TO BALTIMORE AT ONCE.' How could I improve on such succinct brilliance? I'm a big fan of education. I think ecology is very important. Depends on how many cherry trees you've chopped down. I think I have to go now. Gee, I gotta go now. Whoa, you're like George Washington! Weren't you president or something? Has anyone ever told you you're a very snappy dresser? Dude, I loved your work on the Declaration of Independence. I bet you've lost it. You couldn't cut down a tree to save your grandmother. Excuse me. Ah, you again. Listen, I'm afraid I'm quite busy. Affairs of the state and all that, I'm sure you understand. Yes? Weren't you president or something? You enunciate quite clearly for a man without his teeth. I've been thinking about what you said about cherry trees. Is it true about you and the cherry tree? I think it's freezing in here, don't you? Cold enough for ya? Do you really have WOODEN teeth? Whoa, you're like George Washington! What are you looking at out there? Now what are you looking at out there? Gee, I gotta go now. I've had a bit of practice. Martha frequently hides them from me as a joke. Pondering the great truths, eh? Well? Oh yes, it's quite true. Why, I've cut down ACRES of cherry trees in my day. Freezing? Poppycock! Balderdash! Pshaw! Gedoudahere! Cold? Why, you don't know the meaning of the word! I spent a winter at Valley Forge, now THAT was cold! Why, my spit would freeze before it hit the ground! Cool. Extremely. Very much like him, according to my wife, MRS. Washington. Whoa! Awesome! My name's Hoagie. Does Mrs. Washington know you wear so much makeup? Indeed. Like the sandwich? How quaint. One must wear makeup when one receives the phenomenal amount of media attention that I do. It's quite likely that I'll be president soon, you know. Yes, I expect to be chosen president unanimously. I'm VERY well connected. As a matter of fact, I do make use of artificial teeth. I find them to be far superior to the ordinary enamel variety. Wow, what do you brush them with? Don't you have a problem with splinters? Where could I get some of those? My Uncle Henry has false teeth, too. Well, I gotta go now. I use a toothbrush, much like everyone else. And a bit of wood polish, of course. Doesn't that taste awful? Don't they make a disposable kind? Well, I gotta go now. Not if you take them out, first. Actually, I believe the proprietor of this inn is working on something like that. I've been to WAR, boy. No one who's heard the thunder of musket fire... ...smelled the sulphur from a cannon blast... ...and felt the fear in the hearts of his comrades... ...is going to be bothered by a little thing like-- OW!! Blast it! Well, what about termites? Well, what about woodpeckers? Well, what about dry rot? Well, I gotta go now. Hardly. They're rather expensive. Mine were custom-made for me by my good friend Paul Revere. Didn't he ride a horse through town naked? Didn't he invent 3-D glasses? Doesn't he have a band or something? Well, I gotta go now. I believe you have him confused with someone else. Fascinating, I'm sure. The future of our nation. That young couple by the stump? That young couple by the tree? Those outhouses? A system of free enterprise and opportunity? No, no. I was just admiring my reflection in the window. Striking, aren't I? There are two sides to everything, you know that, my boy? Wow, what issue are you contemplating? Is it the legality of abortion? Is it death penalty laws? Is it victimless crimes? What do you think, is my left side better, or my right? Something horrible is on the rise. Pollution? Imperialism? Noise control laws? What? What is it? I think I'm getting a blemish. Do you think I should be the 'ecology president' or the 'education president?' I'm a big fan of education. I think ecology is very important. Depends on how many cherry trees you've chopped down. I think I have to go now. Really? How surprising. Yes, of course, but what really matters is which one SOUNDS better. Excellent point. Well, I AM quite the adept tree-cutter. Men still tell tales of my youthful prowess. Would you give me a demonstration? I bet you've lost it. You couldn't cut down a tree to save your grandmother. I think I'll go look at some trees right now. I don't see why I should. Lost it, have I? Why, I'd show you a thing or two, if there were a cherry tree nearby! But as you can see, there isn't. I only cut down CHERRY trees. Family tradition, you understand, cherries only. There's nothing out there but cedar and kumquats. It doesn't seem to open. I can't open it. I don't think I can open it. That doesn't sound like a good idea. I don't got nothin' to prove. That might not be wise. It won't budge. I can't move it. Take that. Bitchin'. Neat. Fascinating. Not my type. Bernard, float over here so I can punch you. This must be that Woodstock place Mom and Dad are always talking about! What could it all mean? I don't know! I don't wanna know! Hahahahahaha... DIE! HAHAHA! DIE!... We may not live to see yesterday! I'm sure Doctor Fred wouldn't have done this if it weren't safe. After all, he IS a doctor! I can't go through the fire. I would, but not enough people are looking at me. I suggest the national anthem should be... ...'Bite the Demon Pancreas' by the Spewtones. N-n-no chance, b-b-boy. You have to p-p-put it in writing. Put it in writing. 'The Constitutional Convention invites your comments...' '...critiques...' '...amendments to the constitution.' It's padlocked. 'Stolen from the desk of GEORGE WASHINGTON' Hey, keep your hands off of that. It's already got ink. Sorry. I'm saving it. It's going to be a famous log. It's big, it's heavy, it's wood. Don't touch that. It's government property. It looks like a martini shaker. Thank you, this is exactly the sort of thing I need for the time capsule. I'll bury it tonight, and it won't be seen for hundreds of years. Future generations are in your debt. Whoa. That's nice, but not right for a time capsule. Please stop. You're making me quite drowsy. If I had a nickel for every time I've seen that face... He wouldn't get it. Stop reading that horrible book. It's hard enough to stay awake through this blasted meeting as it is. I got something funny to show ya. You rapscallion! It's lucky for you I'm so dignified. Mr. Hancock, dude? Y-Y-Y-Yes-sss? M-M-My c-c-c-coat! G-G-Get away, you loyalist! He looks better now. Must have poor circulation. Stop reading that book! I have enough trouble staying awake with Mr. Time Capsule here as my constant companion. S-s-stop that! It's so c-c-cold in here that I'm afraid if I f-fall asleep I'll wake up as an ice c-cube in somebody's d-drink. This was hard to get. I don't think he'd be interested. What he needs is a space heater. Navajo, I think. I've got better things to do. It's a little cage with a canary in it, perched above a little lever... Hmmm... I guess I would have to start a fire to do that. It's a little cage with a canary in it, perched above a little lever... Hmmm... Someday, I'll let the bird have it. Hot. No. Fire bad. Whoa, it's filling up fast! They don't seem to have gotten too far. I don't think that's the right way to add an amendment. You can look, but don't touch. Cool view of the outhouses. Mr. President, may I offer you an excellent smoke? Can you also provide me with a light? No. Pity. Can you also provide me with a light? Sure. Well, in that case... Blast! I hate it when that happens! See if you can't find those for me, will you? There's a good lad. Excuse me. Yes? Could you use these? Very kind, but those are much too large for me. Why, thank you, young man. Strange... ...I wonder if I should cut down on the coffee? No thanks, I already have some false teeth. It looks pretty clear in here now. Say, did you get the pen on our way out? No, I-- I found a blanket blocking the chimney. Son, do you know anything about a blanket? Uh, didn't the dude next to you have one earlier? Err... Uh... Hey, catch you later. So, as soon as Hoagie gets that battery working, we're set! I'm afraid not. We still need a diamond for the main unit! And your friend in the future needs power too... If she's still alive. Alive? Get me out of here! I like trees and everything, but this one has got to go!!! Bribery won't get you anywhere. Watch it! Impressive triangular formation. Dr. Fred is being held under duress. Dr. Fred! Are you alright? Get me out of here! I feel like I'm pupating! I'm surprised I ever got out of there alive. I don't want to get locked out. I don't know how to run this thing! I don't think it's much use without a diamond. It's already open. I don't want to cause any more trouble. It's glowing. It's fine where it is. Well, I'M ready to go. Who knows what Hoagie and Laverne are up to. It can't do anything without a new diamond. No way. Too late. We need it now. Stop it, you little twerp. Yikes! That's boring stuff! I'd yawn, but I'm too jacked on caffeine! Get away from that! 'World's Greatest Mad Scientist' I think it's designed to run with something more like a small rodent. It looks like a generator driven by a treadmill. It's Dr. Fred's design for a super-battery! It's capable of storing up to one gigavolt with a charging time of only .01 seconds! Wow! It's the battery plans I'm supposed to give to that Red Edison dude. Better not. That might invalidate the patent. 'To do:' Hoagie needs this. There are no more push-pins. 'WARNING: Output from this device is highly toxic... ...and may cause tyrannical delusions if ingested.' 'WARNING: Do not touch the Sludge-O-Matic_ 3000.' We'd better deal with Purple Tentacle first! I don't think he'll be much of a conversationalist right now. I would, but he's asleep. He's still asleep. He won't hear me, he's still asleep. I'm not interested in your paltry offerings. He looks a lot like Santa, but not as friendly. That's probably a bad idea. I think it's the switch for the Sludge-O-Matic_ machine. We can't reach it! It's back on now. There, it's off. But it's too late now. Hey, Doctor Fred! Let's go get the contract out of the safe and sign it! What was that you said about a contract? We HAVE to do something! We have to DO something! We have to do SOMETHING! You're going to get really chafed hands doing that. How's the mad scientist biz? Well, gotta go save the world. Call me when you get a diamond. What do you suggest, college boy? No diamond for the central unit... ...no power for the Chron-O-Johns... ...a mutant monster of my own creation roaming the countryside, taking over the world... It's a dark day for mad science. Yeah! We have to get a new diamond! Why can't we just fix the time machine? What if we unpollute the river? How about catching Purple Tentacle? I guess I'll have to go save the world myself, then! Isn't there ANYTHING we can do? Go diamond shopping! It needs a whole new diamond! Now where am I going to get the money? Bake sale? How much could it possibly cost? I thought you were rich! Hey, I know! Let's put on a show in the old barn! Do you realize how much a diamond costs? Two months of the groom's salary? TWO MILLION DOLLARS!!! I don't know about you, but I'm a little strapped for cash right now. So? You've got money, don't you? Well... I didn't get all the money I expected from that TV show about us. We've had to rent out our mansion as a hotel just to make ends meet. (sigh) If only I had signed that contract in time... What contract? What TV show about you? Well, I'll find the money somewhere! Well, after that incident where I was possessed by a meteor from outer space... Somebody decided to make a show about us... But they didn't pay us anything! All we got was a cut of the video game. Wow. That thing made millions! Yeah. I forgot to sign the royalty contract in time though. I still have it in my safe upstairs. I forgot the combination! But that's... ...that's so STUPID, Doctor Fred! I know. It gives my enormous brain nightmares. Every night I dream about opening the safe. ...but I find something horrible inside and slam it shut... ...over and over again, night after night. Is that why you drink so much coffee? I haven't slept in two years. I could just shut off my Sludge-O-Matic_ machine, but it's too late-- You have a machine whose sole function is producing toxic waste?!? You can't have a high-tech laboratory like this and not spew poisonous filth... ...all the other mad scientists would laugh. He's long gone! Probably taking over the world as we speak! Soon we'll all be speaking... ...well, English, I guess. Sorry--coffee jitters. Maybe you should switch to decaf. No! Then I'd fall asleep, and... ...the dreams would come. Not too lucrative, lately. We're living mostly on the income from renting out our mansion. That and Edna's tips from her exotic dancing. Good luck! I got the contract for you to sign, Doctor! Sorry, I don't like to sign things I haven't read. Will you PLEASE sign this contract? I don't sign things I haven't read. Okay, so read it first! But the whole human race is at risk! Sign it or... I'll... get real mad. Oh, forget it. I'll get rid of Purple Tentacle myself! And do what? Not be my friend anymore? Ha ha ha. Oh yeah? How? I'm getting Purple Tentacle declared insane and arrested. I'm starting up a petition to ban all tentacles. I offered Purple Tentacle a bribe and he took it. I guess I can't. Hey, did you join a record club lately? That's a good idea! But I need a note signed by a doctor... Oh. Hey, I'M a doctor! We're in luck! Wow! Where do I sign? Right here! Where'd you get that kind of money? I used one of your checks. Brilliant! I'll just stop payment on it tomorrow! Exactly! All I need now is your signature... Good God, no! Those things are horrible, money-leeching death traps! Well, there's a deliveryman upstairs with a carton of easy-listening eight-tracks for you... ...he says you have to pay for them... Ack! Not again! ...unless you sign this refusal form immediately... I'm busy trying to think of a way to save humanity! Of course! That's why I'm busy trying to think of a way to save it! Thanks! That was a close one. Well, good luck! I don't have time to read! Now leave me alone! Doctor Fred! What do we do now? We wait for those buddies of yours to plug in their Johns! We have to buy a diamond and plug it into the Chron-O-John! Wooo! Look at 'im go! So, what are you up to these days? I think I have to go now. Open up, Ed. Come on, share the pain with Bernie. So, what are you up to these days? Gee, I gotta go now. Whoa, you're like George Washington! Later, bra. Has anyone ever told you you're a very snappy dresser? Dude, I loved your work on the Declaration of Independence. Hey! Don't touch my stamps! Pony express stamps! Yes. Not the most valuable kind, but they have a lot of sentimental value to me. Boy, he's been working out since the last time I saw him. Hi, Ed. Don't push it, man! Don't make me do something I'll regret! Hey! Be careful! You almost hit my stamps! That's exactly what I DON'T want to do! Nah, I better not. Hey! You fixed it! I guess I can forgive you now. Sometimes I do stupid stuff, and I don't even know why... ...as if my body were being controlled by some demented, sadistic puppet-master... Well, we all feel that way sometimes. I think I want to keep that one. I don't think I should bother him with that. Get out of here! Hamsters have no sense of humor. Everyone knows that. He's reading the Wall Street Journal. He's frozen solid! He still looks really cold. Cute little fella. I wish I had some formaldehyde. Dr. Fred said not to flush living things. Dr. Fred said not to flush living things, I think. Naa. I see no reason to torment the little guy. That's sick! No, I've grown attached to the cute little guy. I might hurt the little fella. I might hurt the little guy. I need something more high-tech. Hello, little computer. I respect you even though you've only got 64K of memory. I've got one just like this packed away in the garage. Come on, it's not such a bad little computer. Get out of here! That's quite a nice collection. Can I have it? Nice hamster. Does he do tricks? What happened to the old hamster? What was the horrible sound? That hamster really should get some exercise. Are all your hobbies this fascinating? How are the folks? Well, hope I didn't get you too excited. Bye. NO!!! I mean... uh... ...no. They mean a lot to me... Sometimes, I think they're the only friends I've got. No, he just sits there. I used to have a really smart hamster, but... ...something... ...happened to him. It was sort of like... 'DING!' Oh God, I hear it in my dreams 'til this day! I... I don't remember. When I try, all I can think of is a flash of light... ...and this horrible sound. Well, Dad puts him to work down in the basement sometimes. But then he starts sweating, and then he gets wet... ...and then he gets cold, and then he refuses to work. Your dad or the hamster? Are you making fun of me? No! I-- I get upset when people make fun of me! I just meant-- Ooooh! It makes me so mad! I just want to... ...relax. I want to relax. I'll be okay, if I just focus on my stamps. I don't have any other hobbies. These stamps are my whole life. If anything were ever to happen to them... Well, Dad's in the basement, doing an experiment... Mom's in the next room, spying on a honeymoon. Ted's in the front yard... Holdin' up a bowl-a-lard? Well... It's a birdbath, actually, but it rhymes better your way. Peace be with you. Hey, aren't you Weird Ed Edison, the paramilitary nut? Why yes, I-- Hey! Do I know you? Yeah! I'm Bernard Bernoulli. I broke into your house five years ago... ...kidnapped your hamster, broke into your piggy bank... Mmmm... Nope. Doesn't ring a bell, but I can't remember much about that period anyway. My psychotherapist thinks something traumatic happened to me back then that I'm blocking out. So you gave up the crazy military commando thing? Does it have anything to do with a hamster? Open up, Ed. Come on, share the pain with Bernie. So, what are you up to these days? I'm much better now. I don't have those... ...those bad thoughts anymore. Now, I collect stamps. All I know is that I used to have a cute, white hamster with spots. And now I have a cute brown one, with no spots. It used to worry me, and the nightmares would come. Don't worry about me. Hey! Leave the REST of my stuff ALONE! And get out of here! Care for some coffee, Ed? No, no, I can't drink coffee, not since-- --since-- --it just makes me edgy. That's so boring it almost put me to sleep. And I collect STAMPS. There's nothing in there to dry. I like to keep my change sorted. I figure this is about eight hundred seventy-six thousand, six hundred dollars worth of quarters. Except for those Beef Squigglies, I got everything I want out of there. Gee, the candy machine seems to be out of order... I wonder if that has something to do with my bashing it with the crowbar? Mmmm, that buzzing fluorescent light makes the beef jerky look especially attractive. I'd better not, he looks pretty angry. He looks pretty angry. We're too small to reach the ice machine. No way, there's things in there that look like they've been there for years. Doesn't anyone ever CLEAN this thing? We're too small to reach the ice machine. It's open. We're too small to reach the ice machine. It's already closed. It's pretty darn cold. We're too small to reach the ice machine. Private. I'm sorry to do this to you little fella, but it's for the future of the whole planet. The plans! The plans! Blasted useless paperweight! Always conks out as I'm about to finish them off. Perhaps if I re-adjust the static phrase dynamo again... How can it possibly continue to thwart me? There, I think I've almost got it working. If only the hardware store carried larger batteries. Hmmm... Yipes! Ah HAH! Ah HAH! Uh-oh. Take that! ...and THIS! Drat! Hey! Where'd he go? It's got a picture of a guy on a horse. Hmmm... A 1778 pony express general delivery stamp... Not too valuable... ...but it is uncanceled. I love the way these taste. Take that, stamp. I might want to use it. No, who knows what that'll do to it. These are well-constructed! These are great stairs! What if somebody wants to use the stairs? Now that would be just plain mean. It looks like all the ink's disappeared now. Take that. It's already closed. I don't want to risk damaging these in the Chron-O-John. I don't want to wreck them. I think I'll hold on to this one a while. Now where'd Dr. Fred go? So you gave up the crazy military commando thing? That one looks like it's from a local hardware store. It's from George's Hardware... 'George says that every American should have a vacuum cleaner in their basement!' I don't see any spelling errors or anything. I don't really feel inspired to write. I can't think of anything to write. Looks like a stand for tourist info and ads for local merchants. I don't need any tourist junk. ...but this hardware ad looks macho enough for me. There's nothing to pick up. That sounds really dangerous. 1952. 1952. 2561. It looks broken, but there's something in the coin return. 'Out of Order' It already seems to be out of order. Hmmm... I wonder where it leads to... Something tells me it leads to the lab. I can't reach it! 'HELP WANTED: Lab Assistant' 'Hard-working, moronic drone needed to assist genius with experiments.' 'High school diploma not required.' 'HELP WANTED: Lab Assistant' I think it's a cry for help! I can't see past the sign in the window. Not much of a view. Someone's breaking into a car out there. It's already kind of chilly. Hmmm... There's something funny about that clock... I wonder how Dr. Fred fits his whole lab in that thing. This is a valuable antique! Laverne's covering that territory. I'm not leaving this motel until I find those tentacles! I THINK it's fake... It's startlingly realistic. Whoa, fake barf! That's one of the FEW places where fake barf isn't useful. Now THAT'S a gross idea. I'd hate to destroy a work of fine craftsmanship such as this. No way! That'd wreck it. Now how did THAT get up there? I can't reach it up there. I don't think I'm accurate enough to snag it from here. I don't think gum makes a good mix with coffee. I'd probably cut myself. It's stuck to the floor. That stuff might eat right through the floor. It's REALLY stuck to the floor. Way gross! I'm not chewin' that! I'm not chewing gum with shoe marks in it. It's stuck to the floor. Mmmm, spearmint, my favorite. Disgusting. Gross. It's not in a wrapper. Close gum? Spearmint! My favorite. It's been in someone's mouth, probably Bernard's by the teeth marks. Whoa, pre-chewed. A little sticky, but still worth ten cents. It's all sticky. Whoa, a dime! AAAIIIIIEEEEEE!!! What was THAT? I think you have to push it. That sounds like overkill. It's permanently attached to the counter top. Hoagie's got that part of the house. It's signed, 'Here's your EPA grant, keep up the good work. Hi from Mommy.' '--Ronnie, '83.' I'd rather not mess with it. It might be booby-trapped. A horticultural horror. I can't touch it. It's spiny. What if the S.P.C.P. were to find out? Yoo-hoo... Doctor Fred? She'd smack into the door! Boy, she looks even worse than she did five years ago. She might get the wrong idea. I'm afraid. She's open enough as she is. I don't think that's possible. No thank you, dear. Hee hee. I don't know what you're snickering at back there, but cut it out. Get away from that. Creepy. Must be an Edison. It looks awful heavy. I like it just the way it is. Nothing going on in there. It's Doctor Fred's office. I can see the safe. I can almost make out the combination! It's... Get away from there! Darn. Nothing going on in there. Get away from that. I see a large, pulsating lump with blue stripes on it. Yuck! He sucks up dust-bunnies from under the bed when he inhales! He's gone. Something strange is going on in there. Looks like the hallway. Not too interesting. Oooh, baby, what a man. You ain't kiddin', precious. Don't even think about it. No, Edna might come back, and she scares me. It looks like a physics professor I knew in the second grade. It's signed, 'Edna--Thanks for giving me the fever!' Well you know what they say... 'If you want to save the world, you got to push a few old ladies down the stairs.' --Eh? I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you said. I think I must have dozed off there for a minute. Excuse me... What is it? I'm rather-- Say, aren't you Bernard Bernoulli? Hi there, sugar buns. Hi there, schnooky doodle. Hi there, my little piddle pie. Hi there, googly woogly. Hi there, squinky poo. Hi there, my little gurgle pot. Hi there, my little lumpykins. Hi there, my little wishy-washy fishy-wishy. Hi there, you manly hunk, you. Hi there, punky dunky. Hi there, stud. Eeeheeheehee! Yes, that's right. You must have me confused with some other Bernard Bernoulli. No, my name is Threepwood. I knew it! No, you're the one. Nice try, but I never forget a face. You broke into our mansion a few years ago to save your little friend. What did you come for this time? I'm trying to keep a tentacle from conquering the world. I'm a repairman. I've come to fix your VCR. It's a secret. I can't tell you. Uh, I'd better be going... Really? How nice. There's nothing wrong with my VCR! You keep your paws off it! A secret, eh? How exciting! Well, I won't rat you out, hot stuff. Yeeeheehee! Oh, so it's a secret, eh? Well, I think you're kind of cute, so I won't rat you out. Fred is the one who told me to find them. Let's talk about Dr. Fred some more. How's Dr. Fred doing? You haven't seen any plans for a super-battery around, have you? I was just admiring your statue... Let's talk about your electronic gear again. This is quite an array of gadgetry you have here! I'll let you get back to what you were doing. Uh... Never mind. I'll let you get back to what you were doing. Well, he's still upset about the family financial situation, seeing as it's his fault and all... ...but he seems a lot better now that he's stopped sleepwalking. Oh, all right. Thank you. It's been in the Edison family since colonial times. One of Fred's ancestors carved it. Yes, it's the best surveillance system in the state. Any time, hot stuff! Eeeheehee! Come back any time, you big hunk. Yeeeheehee! Super-battery, huh? Fred might have something like that. Oh. How'd he wreck the family finances? What's wrong with sleepwalking? How did he manage to stop sleepwalking? Well, enough about Dr. Fred... I'll let you get back to what you were doing. Well, we should have made millions on the computer game they made about us... ...but the resident genius locked the contract in the safe in his office and forgot the combination. Ordinarily nothing, but when Fred sleepwalks, he remembers the combination to the safe. I'd find him in the office, opening it, screaming like a cat in the oven, and slamming it again... ...something about what's in there really scares him. Unfortunately, I was never able to catch the combination since he works it so fast. He stopped sleeping. Fred drinks a LOT of coffee. Me, I only drink decaf. Shall we talk about me? Eeeheehee! Is that a Plexus 7000 VCR? Are those Zenophobe crystal-matrix monitors? Do you think I could play with these a bit? Well, enough about your equipment. 'll let you get back to what you were doing. It sure is! It's got a dual tape speed motor with cobalt casing! Don't touch it! They sure are! They're so clear you can see the fleas on the bedroom walls. Don't touch! Absolutely NOT! Let's talk about YOURS. Yeeeheeheehee! That's only fun from a moving pick-up. It's open. It's closed. Making it dirtier won't help. I won't be able to get it very clean without soap. What am I supposed to do without water? I can't do anything without something to scrub with. Making it dirtier won't help. Ah, it's clean enough for me. It's totally covered with crud. It's the breast pocket from the lab coat. That's the thing I'm supposed to push, I think. Boy, that's a real sleeper of a book. What are you, some kind of geek? Nailed ya dead on, man! Unless it's lightning you're talking about, I don't want to know. I don't think he'd get it. Nice rain coat. I wish I needed it, but unfortunately, the sun continues to mock me with its insipid warmth. Please, I'm concentrating. Sure, push me around while you can. If you think I'm something to look at now, just wait. They look, and smell, a lot better from a distance. The lightning must've charged it up. It looks pretty much the same as Dr. Fred's motel. Wheeeee. NOW! NOW!!!! NOW, IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE, NOW!!! Oops. Why didn't you wait for me to say 'NOW'? What part of the word 'NOW' didn't you understand? Uhhh... Errr... Duhh... Look, it's very simple: I say 'NOW', and you PUSH the KITE. Comprenez-vous? Got it. Actually, I'd like to go think about it for a while. Marvelous. I'll be here when you figure it out. Whatta grouch. Now THAT was interesting! Yeah... Say, can I see that kite for a second? No! I'm taking it back to my lab in Philly right now, so I can study the results! Wish me luck. I never got your name! It's Hoagie, sir. Nice working with you, Hoagie. I promise to name an invention after you someday. Gosh, thanks. So what happened after I fainted? Well, after the lightning hit the kite, it came crashing down on your head. The lightning? No, the kite. Same strange phenomenon? Yes. Drat! What do you think we should do? Try, try again! I'd like to go back to my lab and consider the situation. That's the spirit! Sounds like something I would say! Ready for another brush with destiny? Sure, why not? I'd rather mope around some more. Splendid. I'll be waiting. It's closed. I'm guessing it conceals the entrance to a secret lab. And get some gnarly Egyptian curse? No way. Cool. The room clerk's a mummy. That would not be respectful. Besides, I might get caught. I guess he's not interested. Soon all the power of the heavens will be MINE! All MINE!!! If only we had some nasty weather... Hmmm... the design's solid... But I need some waterproof material... ...like cast iron, or something. Those founding fathers are driving me nuts! Flag design changes every five minutes! Well, as soon as I'm done with this, I'm making them a flag, ready or not! Just about done with this... Then I'm grabbing the latest flag design and sewing it up! Then it's, 'Bye-bye Betsy!' Boy, this has taken longer than I thought. I'll never get out of here. At this point, I don't care WHAT the flag looks like! How about an amendment that the president has to be a human being? Please, this is serious business. You're right. Maybe we should add a rule that you can't dump sludge into the water supply. What manner of fool would do that in the first place? You're right. What do you suppose happened to Hamilton and Madison? Yes, I'm certain we told them Thursday. I'll wager Madison's with that woman who bakes the cupcakes again... ...and Hamilton's probably gotten himself into another fight. I bet they show up late and take all the credit for our work. Are you sure we don't need to add anything about hideous slimy super-intelligent tentacles? Don't be absurd. Get me down from here! I can see Doctor Fred's old lab, and his generator is still there! Gee, I could really use that power... ...but I'll never get through this window. It's already open! It's already open. No need to pick on it. I'd rather leave it open. I'm too big to fit through. Hello? Anybody there? Nobody's down there. But it's all hooked up down in the lab. It's all hooked up now. I don't want to mess with it. I think it'd take a longer cord. I think it needs something with REAL juice. I think I need to plug that in, but I don't think it's long enough to reach anywhere. I don't think it'll get much power from that. It's attached to the Chron-O-John! There's nothing to get. There's something in there. It's empty. It looks ready to go. It's unplugged. Well, I'M all ready to go. But I guess I have to wait for Bernard and Hoagie. It's unplugged! I don't wanna get locked out. It's already open. I think I need to plug that in, but I don't think it's long enough to reach anywhere. It's too high. I can't reach it. The Chron-O-John's stuck in this stupid tree. It's WAY too high for me to reach. It's a viscous liquid, probably used in cooking. Mmmmm, cooking oil... Mmmmm, salad oil... It's a vibrant cherry red pigment...an enamel, I believe. It's lovely, and strangely soothing. All right, paint! The consistencies are incompatible. They wouldn't like each other. I don't like pink. No, I like it the way it is. Naw, I like it the way it is. No, I like it that color. What contract? Let's go get the contract out of the safe and sign it! We have to do SOMETHING! Hey, I know! Let's put on a show in the old barn! You're going to get really chafed hands doing that. Whoa, you're like George Washington! How's the mad scientist biz? Has anyone ever told you you're a very snappy dresser? Hey! Mark your own cards! Now, why would I want to ruin the only entertainment these poor, wretched humans have? Kicks? Probably marked. Hey, THEY can cheat. YOU can't. That's what I think of you, humans. Typical. How's that for a blast from the past, eh? Leave us alone. I think they're both cheating. I can't kill my fellow inmates! I don't even know them yet. I don't want to start any fights I can't win. I don't think they're paying much attention. Best not bother them. They're busy cheating. I think it controls the force field. Now I am the jailer, and YOU... ...YOU, kitty, are my PRISONER!!! Ah-HA HA HA!!! Get away from that. That's MY job. Please, I'm bored enough already. Looks bored. It opens automatically. It closes automatically. Oh, here I go out the door... Oh, I do so enjoy these freedoms that my forefathers fought and died for... Give it up. Sheesh. Congratulations, kitty! You've saved humanity with your repulsive appearance! I think I've had enough fun with Mr. Kitty. I just want to pat his little head. Go ahead, make my day. You'd have to spray me with worse than that to get me out of here. You're just as bad as those tentacles. I don't think killing old men will help... ...yet! He's crabby-looking enough already. Edisons don't take hand-outs, stranger. Please! No more science for this family! Hey, that was uncalled-for! Please, I'm bored enough already. Looks bored. I don't accept bribes... ...at least not that small. About time! I got tired of waiting around. Hey! How did you get out? Get back in there! I wish Dr. Tentacle would stop losing patients! Don't escape again! Mock my authority, will you? I've got better things to do that keep locking you up all day! I knew you'd return. No one ever escapes this place. I wish you'd just run away for good. Whoa! Dinner for two at Club Tentacle?!? I can't wait to tell my wife! Doctor Fred? Is that you? What? Yer nuts! There hasn't been a Fred in the Edison family for two hundred years! The last Fred was such a shame to the whole family... ...not to mention the whole human race! Uh, Zed? Hey, old timer. Eh? Well, who are you then? Where am I? How do I get out of here? What's this about a human show? Well I've got a lot of rotting in jail to do, so... I'm tired of talking now. It's been a long day, and I'm only... ...human. I'm Zed Edison... ...that's my wife Zedna, and my son Ved. Hmmf. Ymmp. Nice to meet you. You're in the ancestral home of the once-proud Edison family. We were once the masters of this house, just as humans were once the masters of Earth. Now we are the servants... ...the PETS! And not very good at either one, I might add! Oh, get bent, you overdressed nightcrawler. If I knew that, do you think I'd be here? It's a degrading farce! That's what it is! These slimy tentacles put humans in humiliating little costumes... ...do sickening things to their hair... ...and then force them to parade their ridiculous 'talents' in front of unqualified judges who were paid off weeks in advance! Didn't get in, eh? They said macramé wasn't a talent. ...pointy-headed goons. I heard that. Yeah, me too. Get me out of here! I haven't done anything! Well, you must have done SOMETHING, or you wouldn't be here, now would you? You'd be out in the lobby with your tentacle owner, getting dressed up for the human show. OWNER?!? No one OWNS me! Gosh... no owner, you say? Well, don't worry about it.I'm sure someone will come adopt you before we have to put you to sleep. Damn that Doctor Fred! Hey, she knows the Edison family motto! You're free! Free to do what? Free to... ...to... ...run wild through the woods, like humans should! Big deal. I said you're FREE! Now get off your fat, lazy butts and start enjoying it! Enjoy being hunted for the rest of our lives by that mustached old tentacle with the big net? If we ran off, he'd be right on our trail! If we stay here we know we'll be warm and comfortable. Outside we'd be eating bugs and moss. You'll be eating my fist in a second! The woods are filled with wild animals! Lions... ...tigers... ...and SKUNKS! Man, I hate skunks! How did you get back here so...? Back from where? Never mind. SAY, cutie! What brings a hot tentacle babe like you to a dump like this? How's it going, Mr. Tentacle Guy? Oh, same as ever. I'm broke, hate my job, etc. I'm, uh, here to see YOU, big boy. Don't you recognize me? I'm looking for a pet. I'm here by accident. Bye. Uh... no... I- Hey! Aren't you the waitress from Club Tentacle? I love that place! I'd be there right now if I weren't flat broke. REALLY?!? Well, what are you doing for dinner? How about Club Tentacle? Oh, what am I saying... I can't afford to take out the trash, let alone a classy babe like you. (sigh) Sorry, honey. You came to the wrong place. These three are PROBLEM humans... ...untrainable... ...disobedient... ...downright surly. He's just jealous 'cause we got opposable thumbs! Someday you will accept tentacles as your masters! Ha! You losers can't even ride tricycles! You see why no one wants them as pets? I told you, you don't want these humans as pets. And I don't want to be no pet, so nyah! Ah, your mamma. Yeah, well, I got your PET right here, buddy. Bite me, tentacle. Oh, go suck your thumb. Whoops, I forgot! You don't have one! (heh heh) Man, I wish my ancestors had never INVENTED you guys. Hey, I don't want to be here either. Bribery won't get you anywhere. Watch it! It opens automatically. It closes automatically. Looks like a paint-by-numbers picture of sushi. I still don't understand how they can eat through a sucker. It's a comprehensive though poorly rendered diagram of the working parts of a tentacle. I'd rather not. That could be dangerous. I might need it. I might get ashes on my killer t-shirt. They've got the spleen mixed up with the liver. Oh, I've got plenty of those at home. There might be a smoke alarm in here. It's mostly accurate. Close enough for jazz. It wouldn't be as much fun as the real thing. 'Licensed to treat tentacles for the betterment of the tentacle race.' I shouldn't. He paid a lot of money for that. 'Licensed to euthanize humans for the betterment of the tentacle race.' Well, well, what have we here? I feel pukey. Indeed? OK, now, hold still. Are you gonna use your scalpel? No, of course not. Darn. Do you wanna use mine? Er... no. Hmmm. What? Hmmmm. What? What? Just as I suspected. WHAT? There's nothing wrong with you, human. What a letdown. Well, I'm late for the show. I'll send your keeper back for you. Oh. Sit. Stay. Good boy. Yoo-hoo! Mr. Tentacle Guy! What? Get me out of here! This is a violation of my rights! I have to go to the bathroom! Oooh... I don't feel so good... Never mind. Rights!?! You're a HUMAN! You don't have any RIGHTS! Ha, that's a good one! Imagine, a HUMAN using a BATHROOM! Oh, alright. Come on, let's take a walk. Okay, human--do your business... Boy, you sure have to go a lot. It's the only entertainment I have. Hmmm, I'd better take you to see the doctor. I think I'm going to throw up all over. Uh-oh. Time to visit Doctor Tentacle. Again? Don't worry, I won't. That's my boy. That's for luck! I should be nice to him. He's a good friend. I wouldn't subject him to this stuff. I don't think he'd know what to do with it. My, how humanity has advanced in the last two hundred years. Not a bad idea, but this isn't a good place to cause a scene. I'm not sure, but I think I'm being snubbed. Hi. I don't think they'd know what to do with it. They both seem to be very happy about something. That might get a rise out of them, but I don't want to attract too much attention. Come on! Get insulted! Aren't you gonna punch me in the face? What has become of humanity? I think they're spoken for. They look pretty vacant, I doubt they'd enjoy it. How d'ya like that, eh? Going to do something about it? I thought not. I say! That is a repulsive habit! He looks like a real stiff. Would you like-- I have everything I need, thank you. Unwise. Good heavens. That's a good trick, human. I'd almost believe you can read, but no one would write tripe like that. Sorry, I'm under strict orders from tentacle number one......the almighty elder... ...the grand poobah, Purple Tentacle, not to let ANYONE near this clock. But I have rights! I'm a tentacle! And a darned attractive one, I might add. I'm sorry... But no one gets to this clock while I'm here... ...and unless I have to go chase down some escaped humans, I'm glued to this spot! Rats! You heard the man! Escape! I doubt if I could budge it. This is an antique. It certainly is! It leads to Dr. Fred's old lab. I wonder if that still leads down to Doctor Fred's old lab. Tentacles only upstairs. Behave or I'll take you to the kennel. If I only had a tentacle costume... 'This four-hundred-year-old clock is an amusing example of primitive human timekeeping.' It looks pretty well stuck there. Oh, my! A novelty vanishing fluid! How... witty! What ever will you clever tentacles think up next? I don't know! Of course you don't. Get away from me, you mangy mutt! If you're going to try to sabotage my chances of winning the show... ...you'll have to be MUCH more clever than that! I think he's spoken for. You better believe it. You're talking to the wrong people. We like it here. We're celebrities. Hi. My name's Laverne. I'm a sophomore. My name's Harold. I'm a thoroughbred. How's it hangin', Harold? I'm sure I don't know. That's quite a tutu you've got there. Where is your owner? Is your hair naturally blue? What are you... uh... guys waiting for? Hey, hold that thought. I gotta boogie. Well, then, good luck. Who needs luck when you've got beauty? Thank you. My owner paid quite a lot of money for it. My owner buys me anything I want. He's not here right now... ...but he would be, if he in any way possibly could. His bus broke down in Pittsburgh, so he's stuck there with the other owners. This is the first show I've ever done... ...alone. Natural? How gauche! This took several very expensive sessions at a posh grooming salon! I've got the hair competition in the bag! We're all waiting for the human show to begin, of course. If you have a human you want to enter, you'd better get it down here. If your owner's going to enter you, they'd better get you some name tags, quick. But then again, why bother? My owner says I'M going to win. I'm the most beautiful human there is. Keep in touch. Remember me? I'm Laverne. Hi, I'm Laverne. What did you say was upstairs? What's upstairs? Nice clock. Is that a real moustache? You look sort of dopey standing there with a net. Did you get a free sandwich with that hat? Nothing that you need to worry about. An old time capsule and some worthless human relics. And, of course, the showroom. Off limits to humans, naturally, except for the showroom. Rather. No one is to touch it, especially humans. That's regrettable. Perhaps you should see the doctor. Hrmf. I'm very sorry, but there's nothing I can do about that. Now, be off with you. Ah, hello. I say, have I told you about the time I tracked an escaped human to Madagascar? He had stowed away aboard a tuna boat you see, and I narrowly missed stopping it leaving port. Unfortunately, the only other available transport was a rowboat, so I-- I say, have I told you about the time I was nearly caught in a wheat thresher? I had tracked a renegade human to a farm in Iowa. There was a dummy in the field which was presumably meant to scare away crows or thieves. Anyway, the amusing bit is that-- Have I told you about the time I tracked a human all the way to the North Pole? He was a short one, I remember, with curiously pointed ears. I had to eat my sled dogs by the time I caught up with him. He had holed up in a workshop there, and there was a fat human in a rather garish red suit who-- I say, have I told you about the time I-- Yes, you've told me that one. Oh. ...umm... Yes? Never mind, I forgot what I was going to say. Well, be seeing you. Hi, I'm Laverne. Aren't you curious about what's inside the clock? Couldn't I please touch the clock? Nice clock. You're quite a tracker, aren't you? Has anybody ever escaped from this place? Be seeing you. 'Laverne', eh? Curious name for a tentacle, I must say. Are you here for the show? Yes, it's a valuable antique. I'd like to show it to you, but I'm presently charged with the task of guarding it. No one will get near it while I'm here! Some try once in a while, but I always fetch them back. That's my primary duty here, and I take it very seriously. I always get my man, no matter how long it takes.Why, I once trailed a renegade human for six days. He led me clear through the hills and up to the top of those mountains to the west. You couldn't possibly imagine the horrible things I had to eat to survive! Grub and maggot salad? Putrefied squirrel intestines? Pieces of your own body? Cole slaw? Good heavens! Yes, perhaps I can regale you with further tales of my tracking expertise. Yes, perhaps I can regale you with tales of my adventures. Sorry, no. No one touches the clock while I'M on duty. Not really. Guarding it is more or less the same no matter what's inside. Rather. I always get my man, no matter how long it takes. Yes, that's right. Show? No, I'm not here for the show. What show? Well, good luck to you, then. No? Are you a human owner? If you are, perhaps you should consider entering. Why, the human show, of course. It's the big event of the day. If you own a human, you might want to consider entering. There are some jolly good prizes to be won. Why, the grand prize is a dinner for two at Club Tentacle! Humans aren't allowed to roam free here. I'm taking you back to the kennel. Boy, I wish I had a tentacle costume or something. But I can't even sew. Hold it! Humans aren't allowed to roam free here. I'm taking you back to the kennel. I wish I had some sort of tentacle disguise. A better means of transportation than I would have guessed. I think it's a fireplace. Either that or the end of a big vacuum hose. I don't think I'm strong enough to move it. It's as open as it gets. There's nothing to close. It says, 'Hello, my name is.' Boy, that would be funny. No, I want to save it for my next sci fi convention. No, I should leave it blank. Then I can give it to girls and tell them it's a backstage pass. He didn't say anything about filling it out. You're ready to go now. I wouldn't want to waste it. What the--? Show some restraint! What are you, HUMAN? Hey! That's for calling me human. Hmpf! This is why I hate working with humans. Now, beat it. He looks a lot like my uncle Reggie. He might get upset... I don't need anything right now, thank you. Bribes won't work. You're just too darn UGLY. This one looks like Purple Tentacle, too. I think it's a picture of Purple Tentacle. They'll just throw me back in jail! I'm never going back there! I'm reformed! It's hung sort of high, I might strain myself. This one looks like Purple Tentacle, too. I think it's a picture of Purple Tentacle. Is it too late to register for the human show? Uh, the guard-guy wants to see you in the kennel. Could I register another human for the show? I'll ruin the show for everybody if you don't let me in. When's the show going to start? Boo! For you? Much, much too late. He said to just leave all your stuff here. Which guard? What's his name? I told you: The Guard-Guy. Ken. I don't know. I usually call him, 'Mr. Tentacle Guy.' Just get your butt in there. That's his name. What a coincidence--that's my name! Really? Of course not! Now, beat it. Why don't you beat it now? I've got a lot of standing around to do. You can't do anything! You are a HUMAN! This is a tentacle's world! Don't you get it? Only tentacles can own property, only tentacles can vote, and only TENTACLES can register humans in the show! You'd ruin it for everybody if I did. We're still waiting for one more human to fill the last stall. I'll fill it! With what? Don't answer that. Please. Your looks are scary enough. Hi! I'm La-- Woo-ee! You are one UGLY human! Excuse me? Man, I'm not kidding. You are just about the HOMELIEST homo sapien I've ever seen! Are you trying to tell me something? Thanks. You ain't so hot yourself. Hold on. I feel like I'm about to sock you. Well, I must be on my ugly way. Yeah. You're a real woof. I mean, your hair alone is going to give me nightmares. Not to mention your teeth, your clothes... ...your one eye that's bigger than the other... Gee, how much worse could I get? Not much, unless there were two of you. I never said I was, but sheesh! Have you taken a look at yourself lately? Oh, so you're ugly AND foul-tempered... Dang. That feeling always leaves me right when I need it. Thank you. I don't know how much more I could take. I guess I'd better just go shoot myself, then. Where I come from, I happen to be quite the babe. What is this? A beauty contest? I think I'm going to kill you. Oh, you don't have to do that! We have staff here that can do that for you. The doctor monitoring the human show, in fact, is a specialist in the field. You mean the kennel? That doesn't say much. Everyone in there is a human show reject! Yes. Oh. Well, I don't know if you could really call a human show a 'beauty contest.' It's more like a 'least ugly contest.' Now, now. You're never going to get into the human show with that attitude. Not to mention that face. Human show!?! Hot dang! Sign me up! Human show!?! How degrading! You should be ashamed! Human show, shmuman shmow. Who needs it? Well, I gotta go arrange your death now. Sorry, humans can't sign themselves up, no matter how ugly they are. Go ask your owner to sign you up. Ask them to sign you up for a haircut while they're at it. Yes, working with humans is degrading, but somebody has to do it. The winner gets dinner for two at Club Tentacle. Why would I want to go there? Not you. Your owner! Oh, forget it. You really should get some professional help. I already have a therapist. I was thinking more like a beautician. Hello. I'm a tentacle. I'd like to enter my insignificant human in the show. Oh, my. Yes, yes. Of course. Take these tags, put them on your human, and have them wait on the bench in the lobby. Entrants will be judged in three categories: Best smile, best hair, and best laugh. Thank you, fellow tentacle. Unlike humans, you have been very useful. Oh, uh, thank you. Believe me, it was my pleasure. (Now all I need is a human!) Yowza! That was one GOOD LOOKIN' tentacle! When's the show going to start, my inhuman comrade? Just as soon as we get enough humans in the lobby with their tags on. How'd a hot-looking tentacle babe like you get so boring? So, you're ugly AND boring, eh? That's my boy. That's for luck! I should be nice to him. I guess not too many birds bathe in the evening. He's already painted. He looks like a tall, mummified Dr. Fred. No way! He's too heavy. I think I'll need a little more leverage. He doesn't seem interested. Ha! Got ya good, old buddy! I guess he's not interested. That's no way to treat an old friend. It might catch the whole house on fire! It's the one I hung from the roof. I don't think that will do much good at the moment. I don't think that will do much good from here. 'HELP WANTED: Lab Assistant' 'Hard-working drone needed to assist genius with experiments.' 'High school diploma not required.' It's on the other side of the window. Green, are you ok? Tmk m grg uff! Eh? I think he'll be ok here for now. We better not move him. I'm petrified of these things now. No, we have to turn off the Sludge-O-Matic_ first. It's already open. I don't want to be locked out. Tampering with the mail is a federal offense. It won't do much good by itself. It's a hole. Shaped like me. I'm not proud of it. But there it is. I'm not throwing anything down there. Ted is red. See red Ted. That would be funny. If only I had the time. That wouldn't be funny. I don't think it'll stay in there while they're chattering. Oooh, no. I might break something. Oooh, no. This is a nice fork. Oooh, no. I hate the sound of teeth biting forks. That's a stupid thing to do with a perfectly good set of chattering teeth. Now, just calm down for a second... Jumpy little sucker. They open and close on their own. They're in as far as they can go. They look dangerous! Looks like they all escaped. No use in doing that, it's empty. Care for a fine smoke? I guess he's trying to quit. I want to save it for maximum comedy potential. Heck, no. It might go off! Almost as dangerous as the real thing. The voice of Oozo in a box. Why would he need a sense of humor in here? You lookin' at me? Are you looking at me? Then who are you looking at, huh? I asked you a question! Okay, clown, that does it! I can't! Oozo's intimidating! I've never gotten over my childhood fear of Oozo. Not with what's left of MY fingernails. I don't think that's the weapon of choice. You think you're so funny... Now, THAT'S funny. Hear me, clown? Yeah. You know what I'm talking about. The-- Some people have no appreciation of the finer things. Hands off, boy! That's a precision-made novelty device! That wouldn't be cool. Besides, he doesn't look very flammable. Hey, it's not a toy. It looks almost real. Hey, put that down! That's not funny. Almost like the real thing. I'd better not. He's still got plenty of ammunition. No, no. It's probably some kind of practical joke. I'm attracted, yet repulsed. There must be a better way. Shut up, kid. This convention is dull enough without you trying to put me to sleep. You didn't expect me to fall for that old gag, did ya? You have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool this old joker... In fact, I INVENTED disappearing ink. It's covered with unrecognizable, useless junk... ...and a gun. Cleaning this stuff up is someone else's business. It's a grate with some chattering teeth caught in it. Hmmm, air conditioning, I guess. Maybe I got a little carried away. I've hurt Oozo enough. It's bad enough to carry the weight of his death on my conscience. Disgusting. I don't even want to touch that gunk! We don't need any fires in here. Cleaning this up is someone else's job. I hate that clown. Hey, boy, you missed the party! You and the clown were having a party? No, no. Last night!At the novelty goods salesmen's convention! I tell you, we novelty goods salesmen know how to have a good time. Hi there. What can I do for you, kid? Has anyone ever told you look like Don Ameche? Has anyone ever told you look like Don Pardo? Has anyone ever told you look like Donnie Osmond? Has anyone ever told you look like Don Corleone? Has anyone ever told you look like Don Quixote? Has anyone ever told you look like Dante Alighieri? Nice cigars. So where is everybody? You haven't seen any plans for a super-battery around, have you? Gotta run. That's strange. My wife says I look like King Charles the First. That's strange. My wife says I look like Charlie Chaplin. That's strange. My wife says I look like Charlie Parker. That's strange. My wife says I look like the Ghost Pirate LeChuck. That's strange. My wife says I look like Charles DeGaulle. That's strange. My wife says I look like Charles Laughton. I roll them myself. I import them from the finest Cuban munitions factories. Nice? These babies are practically EXPLODING with tobacco goodness! The really big bash was last night. I guess they're all sleeping it off. Now get lost. Battery? I wouldn't know about anything like that. I'm just a novelty goods distributor, specializing in cigars. Now get lost. Ciao, kid. So, want a cigar? So, want another cigar? Now beat it, kid. Sure, lay one of those Havanan babies on me. OK, but only if you promise not to light it this time. Sorry, my mom told me never to smoke. Thought I was going to blow your head off there, didn't ya? Well you were RIGHT! You shouldn't smoke. It's a bad habit. That cracks me up every time. I don't get it. Get lost, kid. Would I do a thing like that? I told you it was a bad habit. Hey, if I listened to my mom, I wouldn't be where I am today! Well, suit yerself, boy. Yikes! Now, just calm down for a second... Jumpy little sucker. Hold still, will ya? Slippery little devil... Come on, I won't hurt you... I can't get hold of it. Missed! What's that strange, hovering saucer-shaped object? Hey, isn't that Albert Einstein? Look, a three-headed monkey! Wow, that guy just won the lottery! That's the second coolest pocket protector I've ever seen! Look, gravity has reversed itself over there! The British are coming! That guy looks like Benjamin Franklin! Get lost, kid. Huh? I don't see anything. Oh, never mind. Hey, kid. Can I help you with something? No. No. I think I'll just see what these chattering teeth are up to. Whew, that was close. sigh No, that would be wrong. It's as far back as it can be. I don't think that would look better white. The time is not white! I'll open it to correct something with it. It's a bottle of correction fluid. There's some correction fluid in it. It's empty. It's closed. Boy, the Edisons are a spectacularly ugly family. I don't want to carry THOSE people around in my wallet. Fred has them neatly arranged on the desk. I don't think there's any hope. There's no point in being mean. Why should I push it? Wow, Dr. Fred's rich. Gee, Dr. Fred doesn't have a penny. I think that's against the law. That wouldn't be nice. Uh, I don't think I better. It's fine where it is. Sleek design, sturdy construction, attractive housing......all in all, a fine phone. It's already red. It's Dr. Fred's desk. That's not necessary. This is no good. It isn't signed. I doubt they'll take it without a stamp. It's no use, we've already missed the deadline. 'The party of the first part...' '...shall hereby be known as... ...a crazed, maniacal genius.' That must be Dr. Fred's contract! It's some kind of legal mumbo-jumbo. Wow! Mailed before the deadline, this would have made Dr. Fred fabulously wealthy. I don't think I can forge Dr. Fred's signature. I need this! That would be fairly counter-productive. Whoa, that'd be a bummer for Fred! The legal language is pretty thick, I doubt if I could fix it. Maybe I could take out all these zeroes! No, I guess I'd better not. I wouldn't know where to start. It's empty. There's a contract in it. It's already open. We need to leave the contract in there so I can get it tomorrow and send it to Hoagie two hundred years ago. I don't know the combination. The safe is closed. The safe is open. I can't push it in any farther. I doubt that'd work. This is a fairly sturdy safe. What somnambulistic disquiet he suffers. I've heard it's not too good to disturb a sleepwalker. I don't think I can with him moving around. I don't know how I'd get it into him. More might kill him! He doesn't look uncomfortable. It's not exactly his size. It won't open any farther. Looks like Doctor Fred wearing a powdered wig. Handsome, in a way... ...but I'm glad he eventually accepted his hair loss. I don't really want it. I could, but it would be wrong. It won't go any further. Fred's in the way. There's a contract in it. Wow! It's from my favorite movie! I have three just like it at home. I'd best not mess with it. Why should I do that? There's probably nothing interesting in it. That kind is too bulky to carry around all day. No, somebody'd probably see me. Let's see, it's 101, 999, 57. I hope no one's watching. I look so goofy on video. Always make sure they get your good side. He almost took my hand off with the door! I can't get the contract. There's nothing in there to dry. There's nothing in there to dry. I like to keep my change sorted. I figure this is about eight hundred seventy-six thousand, six hundred dollars worth of quarters. Except for those Beef Squigglies, I got everything I want out of there. Gee, the candy machine seems to be out of order... I wonder if that has something to do with my bashing it with the crowbar? Mmmm, that buzzing fluorescent light makes the beef jerky look especially attractive. I'd better not, he looks pretty angry. He looks pretty angry. We're too small to reach the ice machine. No way, there's things in there that look like they've been there for years. Doesn't anyone ever CLEAN this thing? We're too small to reach the ice machine. It's open. We're too small to reach the ice machine. It's already closed. It's pretty darn cold. We're too small to reach the ice machine. No way, there's things in there that look like they've been there for years. Doesn't anyone ever CLEAN this thing? It's pretty darn cold. We're too small to reach the ice machine. We're too small to use the stairs! We're too little! The Honeymoon Suite. We're too little! Room 101 We're too little! Private. I'm sorry to do this to you little fella, but it's for the future of the whole planet. The plans! The plans! Blasted useless paperweight! Always conks out as I'm about to finish them off. Perhaps if I re-adjust the static phrase dynamo again... How can it possibly continue to thwart me? There, I think I've almost got it working. If only the hardware store carried larger batteries. Hmmm... Yipes! Ah HAH! Ah HAH! Uh-oh. Take that! ...and THIS! Drat! Hey! Where'd he go? It comes with a handy applicator. Not funny enough. We're too little! I can't see it very well from here. We're too little! Cutting the phone lines won't help. When you pull the trigger, a humorous flag is propelled out of the barrel on a stick and unfurls. This is one of those novelty guns. It says 'BANG.' Heh heh. Go away, I'm busy moping. I don't think I could get him from here. I've never been so bored in my life. How depressing. I'm afraid I'll see Edna. It's state-of-the-art. I can't see it very well from here. It's already signed. What? Destroy ART!?! My dad has one of these in his den. It might get chewed up by mice! It's pretty small. I can't see it very well from here. I wonder how long this stuff has BEEN here? Things are growing in it. There's already something in there that looks like that. No way, I'm not touching THAT junk. It's useless. No one will ever be interested in my designs. So I'm ending my novelty inventing career right here in this tacky motel. How appropriate. *sigh* I can't even do THIS right... Hi! Please, I'm too depressed to talk. Hi. My name's Bernard. What's yours? You haven't seen any plans for a super-battery around, have you? I like your design ideas! What did you say your job was, again? Gee. You look depressed. Maybe I can help cheer you up! Nice music they pipe in here, eh? Never mind. Never mind. Dwayne. Isn't that depressing? Oh, I can hardly wait. What clued you in, brainiac? The stooped shoulders and long face? The glassy look in your eyes? The gun was a good tip-off. What's wrong? I'm having a crisis here. A WAREHOUSE of anguish. Well, I didn't mean YOU... It's from the 'Elevator Classics' series. It seems like this one tune has been on all day. I've never been so depressed in my life. 'Super-battery?' That sounds even worse than the things I come up with. I'm a novelty goods designer by trade. I've come up with some fabulous ideas. The exploding lollipop, itching powder gum, and reverse 3-D glasses, to name a few. The problem is, no one likes my designs. I send them all over the world, and no one responds. I just wish someone would say they liked one, just once. Oh, woe is me. Why don't you try whistling a happy tune? Maybe some calisthenics would help. Let's discuss philosophy! OK, maybe I can't cheer you up. OK, maybe I can't cheer you up. I invented a whistle that turned your lips green. Nobody liked it. *sigh* Last time I tried calisthenics I ruptured my spleen. *sigh* Ok, here's my philosophy: Life is completely pointless, especially mine. Don't worry about it, I'd only get depressed again. Why do you say that? Nietzsche had some interesting ideas along those lines. Would you say that existence constitutes purpose? Have you read Camus? Ok, maybe I can't cheer you up. Oh, who cares. Philosophers are all failures like me who couldn't make it in a real profession. Poor me. Poor, poor me. And I thought glow-in-the-dark fake doo-doo was such a GOOD idea. *sigh* I don't understand what was wrong with exploding catnip. I'm just a failure... Hey, there's a letter here for you. For me?? Probably another rejection slip. Oh, well. 'You're brilliant. What a novel design. Come to Baltimore at once.' It only takes dimes. 'Up too late? Try a FickleFingers fate.' 'Stick in a dime and you'll have a good time.' Fatty's in the way, now. I'd better find a different one. Sleek design, sturdy construction, attractive housing... ...all in all, a fine phone. We're too little! He's still making his pitch. TV is my best friend! No good, I can't knock it over. Hi there! Now, that's a heavy sleeper. No WAY! I can't move him an inch. Hey! Wake up! I'm being funny! Well, it gets ME up in the morning. I don't think he's interested. Oh, it's just not the same, somehow. I can't move him, he's too big. It WOULD look like an accident... ...maybe later. He won't budge. I think his belly-button is acting like a suction cup. Ahem... Late night? Do you ever inhale flies when you snore like that? Are you interested in particle physics? Oh, never mind. I'm trying to save the world from a nasty tentacle. You haven't seen any plans for a super-battery around, have you? I'm still worried about that guy in the next room. What's with that guy in the next room? Nice room you've got here. I had an uncle who snored as loud as you do. Well, thanks. You've been really helpful. Well, never mind. Well, never mind. Well, thanks, you've been really helpful. The steel works next door complained about the noise. He lived in California until he was declared an earthquake hazard. Once he inhaled a pillow. I'd better be going now. It reminds me of the greeting card store I used to work at. It reminds me of a pack of cards I was very fond of. Where on Earth do you BUY furnishings this color? I'd better be going now. I know over four hundred ways to play solitaire. I spent a lot of time with those cards. I cried the day my dog Spiffy ate all the face cards. I'd better be going now. Nah, didn't think so. I wonder where Dr. Fred could have put them? I'll bet they're someplace obvious. Oh, well. What do you do to cheer up a failed novelty designer? You'd think that picture of dogs playing poker in his room would make him happy. Oh, well. Ice cream usually brightens me right up. Maybe he'd like to discuss theoretical valence analysis. He'd probably be happier if someone LIKED one of his designs. Oh, well. That's right, an incredible four-thousand carat diamond... ...for the piddling sum of two million dollars. This beauuutiful four-thousand carat diamond can be yours today... ...for the special rock-bottom introductory price of two million dollars. The number to call is 1-800-STAR-WARS. Don't miss this amazing once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. That number again, 1-800-STAR-WARS. Call now, tell 'em Yoda sent you! Powerful-looking speaker. No, the stereo would fall. It's too heavy. It's way too high. It looks too heavy for me to pick up. Get away from that. I can't use a videotape with that! It's got Fred opening the safe on it. There's no label. It's probably blank. That might mess up the tape. Good thing he didn't drink that stuff. He's my friend! I don't think a disguise will help much. There aren't too many tentacles around. Hey, you're pretty funny, Bernard. Well, people do tell me that, actually. How about some coffee, Green? No thanks Bernard, can't stand the stuff. Whoa, Bernard, get a life! No offense, man, but that stuff is BORING! Uh-oh, this looks like it might work... I don't need to take over the world. It's a bit late for that. It's too high to reach! Whew. WOW! This is LOUD! It's pushed in. It's sticking out. Hmmm. Plenty of wattage in this stereo... ...I can't wait to try my eight-tracks in it. It's already closed. We're too little! We're too little! Nah. I'll push it. Nah. It's much too heavy! No time for that now. I wouldn't want to break it before tomorrow. Great speakers! Hoagie would really love these. It might get chewed up by mice! It's pretty small. Oops, maybe I shouldn't have pushed it. It's too heavy for me to pick up. Hey! What? I can't hear you! What's up, Bernard? You haven't seen Dr. Fred's plans for a super-battery around, have you? What do you suppose Purple's up to now? Wanna help me save the world? I really like the name 'Sushi Batter'. How's your new band doing? Why the litterbox? Have you got a cat? How does a tentacle sit in a beanbag chair? Can you actually use that bowling ball? Uh... Not much, actually. Still saving the world and all that. Oh, well, good luck then. Well, see you later, Green. See you later. No, just these world domination plans of Purple's. Any of Fred's plans would probably be in his office or the lab. Well, he wants to take over the world, so I figure he's up to something devious. Conducting cryogenic experiments on small animals? Designing a miniaturization ray? Pushing old ladies down the stairs? I wouldn't doubt it, but I was thinking more along the lines of... ...POLITICS! I'm afraid to leave the room. In fact, I don't think I can even move from this spot! Purple scares the daylights out of me! Yeah. Good luck saving the world, B-man. Green T and the Sushi Platter? We're doing great! We've decided to really capitalize on our strongest quality as a band. Intoxicating three-part vocal harmony? Provocative lyrical content? Carefully crafted melody and distinctive counterpoint? Really? Which quality is that? Volume, man, volume! We have a chance to win a GRIMY award as the loudest new band. We're pulling out all the stops. You mean Green T and the Sushi Platter? Thanks, that means a lot. Don't ask. Oh, that part's easy. It's getting back OUT of it that's hard. No, Purple brought that in here after he grew arms. He got really discouraged though, because he doesn't have FINGERS. Weren't you looking for a new guitarist a while back? Are you working on an album? Have you gotten any airplay? That's great. That's great. Yes, but we decided to go with a guy who plays power tools instead. We can generate a lot more sound that way. Yeah, we're doing a CD called 'Rap on the Forehead.' I've got a few tracks hooked up through the stereo, if you want to hear them. No, we're a little too experimental for most radio stations. But we have a huge following in the club scene. Yeah. Green! Bernard! What are you doing up here? Well, I couldn't stop Purple, and he's going to go out and conquer the world, and I'm afraid of what he'll do if he catches me, if Dr. Fred doesn't find me first. Uh... Does that answer your question? Yeah. It's already closed. Purple tentacle might lock me in if I close it. I don't want to get trapped up here! It's already open. It leads down to the landing. Amazing coincidence, them wearing the exact same suit to work today. Why bother? Everyone knows you can't fight the I.R.S. Thanks, but, as you can see, we're sort of busy. I can't believe what a mess these records are. Mm. Is that a W-390/B Frivolous Spending Report? No, it's another 561-AB Negative Attention Statement. Ah. Did you say you have a PP-41 Facilities Paraphernalia Declaration over there? Nope. Good thing we've got Dr. Fred under wraps in the next room, eh? All that red tape ought to keep him busy. Dr. Fred hasn't made any noise in a while. Why don't you check on him? Why don't YOU do it? How do you suppose the Dodgers are doing? Well, their win/loss ratio is 28 percent below normal... ...however, the successful slide margin is actually up 3 points since May. I've noticed that they seem to do well with a man on first after a fly ball when the opposing pitcher is left-handed and wearing a green hat. Fascinating. What did you say your wife's name was again? Sandy. Oh yeah. Say, what's the filing date for a BFD-206/ZZ Insufficient Credit Applications Form? You have until midnight on the twelfth working day past the first full moon after the end of your fiscal year. However, you can extend the date by filing an RPM-78 Waning Interest Extension anytime before the close of business on the second Tuesday after the first Friday in March. And of course, if you're married, you'd also have to file the K-7209 Statement of Joint Intentions and declare any mutual gift expenditures. Oh yeah, that's right. What is it? Uh... Never mind. Are you guys brothers? What have you done with Dr. Fred? Who's your tailor? I'll just be moseying along. I'll just be moseying along. At the IRS, we're all brothers. We've got him safely locked in the next room while we go over his books. No, you can't go in and see him. And don't even think about staging some kind of rescue. Very funny. Keep your nose clean, kid. The old disappearing ink gag, eh? Very amusing. I tried that on my boss once. Oh? What happened? He got sent here. Boy, that's even more boring than a PS-967-J form. Yeah, shut up. Dr. Fred and Dead Cousin Ted are both in there. Dr. Fred's lying on the bed, wrapped in red tape. There doesn't seem to be anything dangerous in there. That won't do any good. Naa. Seems to have a high tensile strength. It won't all fit in the Chron-O-John at once. Nothing happened. Whoopee. He's all wrapped in red tape. No time for fun now! I've got to get him out of here! Dr. Fred? Must still be asleep. He's red enough as it is. I don't think there's enough in the bottle to cover him. I might hurt him! I don't think he could hear me reading. He's already pretty tied up with it. I just got him UNtied. He looks comfortable where he is. I just got him UP here. He's already painted. I hope he's comfortable. I wouldn't know where to put him. I like him the color he is. I doubt this amount could cover him. Yeeks, who knows what I'd find in there? I guess he's not interested. He looks comfortable where he is. I just got him UP here. I think he's red enough as it is. I think I'll leave him right where he is. Those IRS guys will never know the difference. It's not exactly the Ritz... I wouldn't want to strain myself. No time for that now, this is a rescue! No time for that now, I'm saving the world from Purple Tentacle! Wow, he's still asleep. No time for fun now, I've got to get him out of here! That didn't do much. I can't carry him. It's tied to him already. Good, sturdy stuff. I'm not sure it's long enough as it is. It won't do much good from this end. There is nothing attached to it. It won't go any further. I can see the roof and some Christmas lights. It's already open. It's stuck. I don't want to close it THAT badly. Not with those IRS guys hanging around. Ah, there you are. What are you doing down there? Fun and games, Doctor? On the floor again, eh? Very funny. Oh, by the way... ...capital gains taxes apply even if you spell your name in lower case on the form. Don't try anything sneaky. I can see this bed through the peephole, you know. There's no escape from the IRS. Just lie there and take it like a man. Uh-oh. Hey! Where'd he go? Uh-oh. Hmm. Thought I heard something. Everything OK in there? Well, try to keep it down, OK? Hey! Who's this, Doc? Relative? Well, I'm sure we can audit him next. This isn't a party. There're some IRS guys in the next room. I bet there are better decorated rooms in prison. Hmmm, a handle attached to a rotating shaft which transmits and modifies rotary motion and torque. These things agitate me for some reason. Alright, a crank! A shaft is normally attached here to supply a rotary motive force which is transmitted up the pole. It's a primitive but useful venting device which prevents injury due to harmful smoke inhalation. What on earth am I going to do with a flag pole? Sounds like fun, but I've got work to do. There's no flag on it now because it's evening. It won't fit through those little grommets. Nah, not right now. The weave is quite fascinating, actually, a reverse double overlap which makes for phenomenal strength. What for? It's already open. It's stuck. I'm not that desperate to close it. I can see Dr. Fred in there. Not much to see in there. Wow! A pulley! By using a combination of flexible materials and a wheel, one may gain mechanical advantage by changing the direction of motion and the applied force. I don't think it needs it. Oooh, what keen Christmas lights! 'Welcome, Novelty Goods Convention!' It's locked. I can't. It's stuck. It's already closed. Gosh, why don't I just use the OTHER window? Well, don't you just look good enough to eat? We need a babe in a leather bikini, swinging a broadaxe. You're going to get really chafed hands doing that. Whoa, you're like George Washington! How's the mad scientist biz? Has anyone ever told you you're a very snappy dresser? Never mind. I couldn't help noticing you ranting. Say, you look kind of familiar... He's frozen solid! I doubt if he'd notice. He's frozen stiff. I might hurt him. This job requires something more high-tech. Hmm, looks like there's some kind of rodent down there. That ice looks incredibly old. It's closed. It's already open. It's already closed. I could make a winesicle, but I'd never get it out of the bottle. 'F' 'R' 'W' Must be some sort of code. It looks securely fastened. It opens automatically. It closes automatically. Heh. Stupid tentacle. If I iced the old guy, they'd just throw me back in the slammer. He looks a little older than I remember. Not wise. According to these, the tentacles control most of the world already. (I'd like to gum up his plans, but this is not the way.) I don't want to disturb anything with Santa Claus over there eyeballing me. I wonder how it can float in mid-air like that? At least he hasn't conquered Antarctica, yet. Heh heh heh Chuckle chuckle Heh Hmmmm Ah! My secret weapon is almost ready! BWAH HAH HAH! Do you mind? You're disrupting my concentration. Hi! Eh? Oh, it's you. Great Scott! You're Purple-- --ahh, ahem. Yes? Well, don't you just look good enough to eat? I couldn't help noticing you ranting. Say, you look kind of familiar... What's that supposed to mean? You're not a human sympathizer, are you? Not ranting, PLOTTING! You WERE just in here a little while ago... Of course I do, nitwit! I'm Purple Tentacle, renowned world conqueror. Me? No way. I think humans are the vilest creatures on the planet. Why, yes, I'm a firm believer in human rights. I think I'd better be going now. Good. You had me worried. That's the spirit! HAHAHAHAHA! I'd almost think you were serious! Yes, leave me to my ingenious plans. You know, I'm working on a way to get rid of the humans once and for all! Tell me more about this shrinking ray of yours. So what are you plotting? What are you ranting about? Just exactly how WELL did you know Dr. Fred? Are you the same Purple Tentacle who knew Dr. Fred? Say, you look kind of familiar... If you'll excuse me, I've got something in the oven. Look, I'm very busy with my ray gun, so please leave me alone. If you'll excuse me, I've got something in the oven. I'm building a SHRINKING ray, which I can use to shrink those pesky humans out of my sight for good! Up on your ancient history, are you? Yes, I remember that insignificant insect. Anyone I know? Heh. I call it the DIMINUATOR. The biggest problem left is to design a trigger that doesn't require FINGERS. I don't need your paltry offerings. He might clap me in irons if I do that. That trick has got to be older than I am. Don't torment me, I'm a powerful tentacle. I could have you served on a bed of rice. 'kay. He was scratching his back on the fence, I think. Can't get close to him. What a shabby paint job. I wouldn't know where to start. I think it looks beautiful just the way it is. I think it's nicer white. Gee, I hope that's not lead-based paint. I can't get to it up there. I don't think I could get him from here. Somehow I don't think that will get him down. Well, hello yourself! EEEUUCH! The grass! Use the grass! Disgusting human! Hi! You haven't seen a gangly human around, have you? Err, no. Hmm. Looks bored. I'm afraid he'd overpower me. Please, I'm bored enough already. I like what they've done with the place. I don't think there's enough to cover the whole thing. Yoo-hoo! Mr. Tentacle Guy! It's about time! Oooh, a skunk. How frightening! This doesn't seem like the best place to start a panic. He doesn't need a touch up. What, and ruin all that hard work? Maybe later. He's not even cooked. It's hard enough to hold on to him as it is. This oughta be good. Well, what do we have here? Looks like a prosthetic rodent! Another specimen! Yum yum! Scrumptious vermin! It's as if he'd rather scratch himself than play with this adorable rodent! That'll be one cool flag. Stars and stripes. Dull, dull, dull. Hey, don't criticize unless you've got a better idea! Gosh, I would never want to mess with history. I don't know much about design. Back off or get stitched! My grandma had one like that. Get that away from me! I'm busy! Put it on the table! She looks busy. Hey, Ms. Ross! Mizz? No, a direct hit, actually. I've never understood you founding fathers. Stop! You're making me drowsy! Can't you see I'm operating heavy machinery? Sorry. That would make a killer t-shirt. I don't want it. You're all so hard to please. Naah. I like these. Too late! You've already rejected those! I don't want them. I know that already. Nice day outside. What are you talking about? Can't you hear that storm coming? Sorry. No time for small talk. The bed's in the way. Looks comfortable. I couldn't sleep in here with all the racket. Who asked you to? It looks cozy enough as it is. That wouldn't be polite. I told you guys, I'll get to the flag NEXT! I'm working as fast as I can! Hey, chill. Take your time. DON'T tell me you've got another design change for the flag! I've got another design change for the flag. I knew it. Could it have a chrome-plated bald eagle robot on it? How about a skull with, like, scorpions in its mouth? It should have a hologram on it somewhere. We need a babe in a leather bikini, swinging a broadaxe. Oh, what the heck! At this point, I'd do ANYTHING, just to have it over with. Put the pattern on the table and I'll look at it when I'm done with this job. The guys downstairs say they want a big family crest... ...and in the four corners, they want a keg, some babes, a guitar, and some drum sticks... ...and underneath it all put, 'America ROCKS!' What if it had the face of the Devil on it, with like red, white and blue flames coming out of his mouth? Let's make it just like the British flag, but upside-down to cheese them off. We could have this babe, like a waitress... and she's carrying this red, white, and blue cherry pie... How 'bout a big old picture of ME? Make it just like you were going to, but put in flying-V guitars instead of stars. Let's just have a picture of a guy carrying a bundle of sticks, and not name the country anything at all. Two words: totally black. Okay, instead of fifty stars, let's have one of those reclining silver babes. Like truckers have on their mud flaps. Why don't we put a crossword puzzle on it, so you have something to do waiting in line at the post office? George wants the flag to be a pair of boxer shorts covered with little red valentines. If you embroidered the order of poker hands in the corner, people would forget them less. Just put the plans on the table and I'll get to it! Ultra-modern design. I don't think I'm strong enough to move it. It's as open as it gets. There's nothing to close. No way could I reach that. It's stuck. No, I mean it's really STUCK. Like adventure-game stuck. Maybe I should just use my hands, delicate and valuable as they are. These things agitate me for some reason. What it needs is a crank. The crank attaches to it. The crank is missing. Looks pretty old. The pulley is broken. Irreparable. A complete waste of time. It needs more than lubrication. I doubt it will ever work again. It's even heavier than it looks. Desecrate the American flag? NEVER! This would clog it up. I don't think that will do much good. One size fits all. Just the regular old flag. Anybody wanna buy a flag? Why would I want to get through there anyway? It's a two-story drop to the showroom floor! There's no way to open it. It's already closed. The showroom is empty now. I can see the human show from here. That's where they're having the human show. Looks like they're getting ready for some kind of show or something. I don't see anything. I wonder what idiot started the fire? I wonder if they've put the fire out yet? I hope we can get back to work soon. I bet this never happens to Tom Paine. Wasn't Ben Franklin talking about starting some sort of 'Fire Department'? I hope everyone's OK. Hey, Founding Father. Not now, son, can't you see we're in the middle of a crisis here? Yo, Penmaster. I'm afraid we're a little busy right now. Umm, excuse me. Leave me alone. I'm too depressed to talk. It's the breast pocket from the lab coat. That's the thing I'm supposed to push, I think. The water is all sudsy now. There's no water. There's a little bit of soap on it, but not enough to clean anything. Old-fashioned lye in a new, more convenient size. That's not what I'd call a lot of cleaning supplies. No way, I'd be busted for sure! 'The late Max Attucks.' 'His petard runneth over.' A lamentable fate for such a patriotic dude. He's hung well the way he is. Heh heh. No way, man, I don't mess with portraits of dead dudes. These'd look better on velvet. They're straight already. No way, dude. This is ART. Ah HA! Get away from that! It's a good thing I finished in there quickly... Now, SCRAM! ...they just don't make founding fathers like they used to... I don't think it'll fit through. Where am I gonna put it? I doubt there's any money in it. Very spartan. I think it's got enough blankets. It's already closed. It's closed. It's already open. It goes down to the landing. It looks dangerous. Maybe I should stay up here. It's closed. I can see the roof right outside. Mangy flea-bitten rat-batting mouse-muncher. What a pretty pussycat. I wouldn't want him to squirt me back. I don't do cruelty to animals. No matter how vicious. Use it for what? No way! It was hard to get it! Thermodynamic flux induction circuit design is-- Cats love things like this. Cats dig these. Oh, I love these! I think not. Why? YIPE! I'd rather save that until he's ready to be judged. That would look good, but what's the occasion? They could use a little cleaning. Wow, these are huge! These are almost as gross as my friend Eddie's teeth, and he eats raw sewage on stage. I don't think I want this. I don't want to touch it. Yoohoo! For what? More of that might kill him! A horse is a horse of course. He seems kind of highbrow for that joke. A horse wouldn't get that joke. *ahem* 'The LALR compiler is constructed by the following method...' First develop a rigorous elective grammar. If the elements have NP-completeness, the Krungie factor can be ignored. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah-- Whoa. Errr... Hi, horsey. Hi yourself! Hi. I'm trying to get back to the future and save the world. Wow, you can talk! I didn't think horses could talk. Is this some kind of a trick? Did I mention how great your teeth look? Nice teeth. What's a nice horse like you doing in a place like this? Well, I gotta go. Hi there. Still trying to get back to the future? *snicker* Laughed at by a horse. Whoa. I gotta go. Wow, so can you! What a coincidence! Thanks again. Thanks. I paid quite a bit for them. Hey, I LIVE here. What are YOU doing here? See you later. Maybe they just never had anything to say to you. Ever think of that? You mean horses have been snubbing me my whole life? If you want to put it that way. I don't do magic. I'm just a horse. The future, eh? And I thought that FRANKLIN guy was off his nut. Ick. It looks like someone's dentures were in here. Hey, I've got to put them somewhere. The horse soaks his dentures in here. I guess this is George Washington's bed. It's all rumpled up. Don't touch that! I'm trying to straighten up! It looks warm enough as it is. I'm a roadie. I can mess up a room WITHOUT a knife. Wheee! It rings for the maid to come straighten the room. I bet it calls the butler, just like on TV. I'm working as fast as I can! Here I am. Don't get your curls in an uproar. Excuse me, Mr. Washington. Boy, what a mess. All done here, bye now. Hey, lady. Please, I'm very busy. Yes, Mr. Washington? This isn't my room. No, really, I'm not Washington. OK, you're right, I AM Washington. My name's not Washington, it's Hoagie. Don't you have any cleaning supplies? Do you know where I could find Red Edison? I'll let you get back to your work. Hah! That's funny, Mr. Washington. Imagine, being named after a sandwich. You're George Washington. Occupation: founding father. It says so in the register. Well, you've certainly messed it up as though it were. It's no use trying to fool me, Mr. Washington. I knew it! Yes, there's a lot to be done. Like most maids, I keep them on my cart. In the hall. He's probably in the basement workshop again. He's always tinkering with some invention instead of running the inn as he ought. She's a broad target, but she's movin' fast. She's a cleaning dynamo! No chance. I don't think that's wise. Hey, baby. I'm not a baby. Faith, that's boring. I'd best go lie down. No way. Well, it's better than it used to be... ...but it still lacks... control. No, I might hurt him. No, I might get sauce on it. Get it? That's the spirit, Mr. Mummy! Gosh, we gotta pick you up a sense of humor somewhere. That would get us disqualified! Gum chewing is not behavior fitting for a beauty queen. I could never do that to someone as shy and sensitive as my friend here! Well... He's got an impressive smile... He's got no smile to speak of... ...a nice, hearty laugh... ...absolutely no laugh... ...and he's lots of hair, but there's no STYLE to it. ...and luscious, stylish hair. ...and he's bald as a cue ball. In other words, not a chance in hell. Pretty darn good for a mummy. He already has teeth. Take that, mummy. He's a good friend, I wouldn't subject him to this stuff. Oh, I never get tired of that one, you witty tentacle! What a pretty-boy. Why, thank you. Trying to put us all to sleep so you can steal the contest, eh? I can win this contest without cheating. Well, at least without actually KILLING anybody. Howdy. Oh, look... red, white, and blue... Is that look coming back in again? Howdy, Harold. HOW-dee, I'm sure. Oh, please! Why must you pester me? Hee hee. Liked that one, did ya? They've been told not to accept gifts from strangers. But I'll take whatever it is. I can win this contest without cheating. Well, at least without actually KILLING anybody. You'd have to really hate somebody to pull a mean trick like that. Nice smile. Oh yeah? Look at this one... Ha! I've seen better smiles on a horse! Jealous. They've been told not to accept gifts from strangers. But I'll take whatever it is. I don't think this guy has much of a chance. None of them do--against me that is. I think he got it. I can win this contest without cheating. Well, at least without actually KILLING anybody. You'd have to really hate somebody to pull a mean trick like that. That guy doesn't look like he'd be into this. Hee hee. C'mon! Say something! They've been told not to accept gifts from strangers. But I'll take whatever it is. I can win this contest without cheating. Well, at least without actually KILLING anybody. You'd have to really hate somebody to pull a mean trick like that. This one's very tense. It's hard to relax when you know you're about to lose. Nice outfit. Hi. I'm Laverne. Pre-med. Don't you think these things are just big popularity contests? So... what's your talent? My human's going to win. You might as well drop out. So, what tick bath does your owner prefer? Where can I place a bet? I'm planning a jail break. Be ready. Are you for sale? Sit. Don't bother... ...you'll just get bit like the rest of them. ...their humans told them not to talk to strange tentacles. ...they're not here for their intelligence. ...they're saving their energy for the judges. ...you might over-stimulate their little brains. Stop chattering, mummy! The judges will think you're chewing gum! And that sound is giving me a headache! Oh, this will never work. OH! HAROLD! That's gross! What are you babbling about? You really should have told the JUDGES... ...if you WEREN'T FEELING WELL. Oh, ick! Now, how did that mess get there? I think I'm going to be sick! Someone in here not feeling well? I WAS feeling fine... ...until I saw that. Is that your regurgitation? No! I'm a healthy human! Didn't you just say you thought you were going to be sick? That's just a figure of speech-- Do you realize you could have infected the whole show with human influenza? But I just... got... all... my... shots! You're a good-looking human, Harold, but you know the rules. You're out of the show. What a mess. I hate cleaning up after humans. I can't. It's behind the glass. Heck no. I want to keep it in good condition. `Dinner for two at Club Tentacle!` Dang, it says tentacles only! No, this has to be special. I can't. It's behind the glass. It's shiny enough already. Now, why would I want to damage this lovely, useless trophy? Oooh. I can't, they're behind the glass. Ahhh. They seem to be deliberating very intensely. I don't think that'll help us win. Man, you could really bore somebody to sleep with that! It's closed. I'm guessing it conceals the entrance to a secret lab. And get some gnarly Egyptian curse? No way. Cool. The room clerk's a mummy. Besides, I might get caught. I guess he's not interested. It's the kind they have at the movies. It looks too heavy. No, that was a different game. Which reminds me... How did I get roped into this? It looks quite happy where it is. It's red enough. Don't you think that's funny? Laugh, darn you, LAUGH! Okay, then... What happened to your sense of humor, old pal? No. He looks tired after all he's done. He's as far back as he's going to go. I don't want to disturb him. He's too heavy to carry. He looks ready to boogie down. He looks like a beauty queen. That's how we say, `Hi` where I come from. ...Mr. Mummy. He's too heavy to carry. He's too heavy to drag. What an interesting mannequin. I think he's more attractive in natural tones. That's very tempting... ...but I wouldn't want to hurt him. I wouldn't want to hurt him. It's not quite his size. He's so peaceful looking, I wouldn't subject him to this stuff. It's a nice, long, heavy-duty one. I don't want to plug that in. That would both ruin the cord AND be very dangerous. It's that guy from the Hawaiian cop show. Bernard might like it, but it's way too tacky for me. I don't even feel like touching it. Classy. Not my style. Take that, you vulgar lawn ornament! I don't think it wants to come with me. I'm not THAT crazy. Very tempting, but I'm no vandal. Groovy. No way. Those things are dangerous. Comfy. No time to relax. I'm trying to save the world. It looks too heavy to move. Then it wouldn't be comfy anymore. It opens automatically. It closes automatically. That wouldn't be too useful. I almost killed myself on a pair of those once. Wheee. It's a nice, long, heavy-duty one. I don't want to plug that in. That would both ruin the cord AND be very dangerous. That's quite a tutu you've got there. Where is your owner? Is your hair naturally blue? What are you... uh... guys waiting for? Later, dude. Great hat, man. How's the mad scientist biz? Has anyone ever told you you're a very snappy dresser? Hey, hold that thought. I gotta boogie. I can't. It's behind the glass. Heck no. I want to keep it in good condition. `Dinner for two at Club Tentacle! Dang, it says tentacles only! No, this has to be special. I can't. It's behind the glass. It's shiny enough already. Now, why would I want to damage this lovely, useless trophy? Oooh. I can't, they're behind the glass. Ahhh. They seem to be deliberating very intensely. I don't think that'll help us win. Man, you could really bore somebody to sleep with that! Speaking of sleep, guess who you-know-who's sleeping with now... Go ahead. We don't mind. We judges are used to being spit on. Oh, how the impartial suffer. If HE can be a doctor, then I'll have no trouble. He's of no use to me. I doubt he could get me into med school. I'm not that desperate. No, he's probably got one too. I'd better stay on his good side. He can probably disqualify people. Get that book out of my face, would you? Sorry. Please leave all fluid samples with the nurse... Doctor! What is it? Is someone sick? We can't have sick humans in the show! Well, uh... I examined them all myself! They're all perfectly healthy-looking to me... ...except for the dead one... Now leave me alone! ...and so I said to her, `That's NOT my suction cup!` Ha ha ha! You think THAT'S funny, listen to this... Hey, when are you guys going to judge Best Hair? Hey, don't you think you should judge Best Hair again? Hey, when are you guys going to judge Best Smile? Hey, don't you think you should judge Best Smile again? Hey, when are you guys going to judge Best Laugh? Hey, don't you think you should judge Best Laugh again? Hey, anybody care for a bribe? Keep up the good work, you judges you. What do you think we are? HUMAN? Ha ha ha! Human! Ha ha ha. ******************************************************************* Why would he need a sense of humor in here? It's already full. Hmmm. I don't know. It's powerful stuff. I might slosh it all over his face! Never mix, never worry! That kind of work's best left to waitresses. Hmmm. I don't know. It's powerful stuff. I think I could lubricate my car with this stuff. Decaf wouldn't help there. Hmmm, brown water. This fork couldn't pop a spit bubble, let alone a tough clown like Oozo. Actually, I'd call this more of a `threek.` My, what a big coffee maker. It's already perking away! No. Appliances are our friends. `THE DUKE` memorial brand microwave. I'm not touching it. These models have a history of leakage. Hands off, boy! That's a precision-made novelty device! That wouldn't be cool. Besides, he doesn't look very flammable. Hey, it's not a toy. It looks almost real. What's with the canary over the fireplace? Nice painting of a turkey, dude. Sorry, my mom told me never to smoke. Why do you have such a large signature? I gotta go. Feeling better now that there's a fire? Never mind. Hi there. Hello. Feeling better now that there's a fire? I have a question about the canary. What's with the canary over the fireplace? I've been wondering about your crucial national bird decision... Nice painting of a turkey, dude. Why do you have such a large signature? Well, gotta go. I gotta go. Oh, that's an early warning system. It's quite ingenious. The canary is trained to ring the bell madly the minute it smells smoke. Then we know the building's on fire and we run like crazy! Who thought of it? Why doesn't the fire in the fireplace set it off? Who feeds the canary? I see. I see. I gotta go. It was invented by Red Edison, the owner of the inn. I assume it's because all the smoke goes up and out the chimney. Actually, no one does, it's a self-feeding canary. It's specially bred with some kind of nutrient-producing bacteria in its gizzard. It's quite a time saver. I expect everyone will have them in the future. Amazing, isn't it? Goodbye. I'm glad you think so. The choosing of the national bird is on our agenda for the convention. And you want it to be the turkey? I thought the national bird was the eagle or something. What about the national theme song and stuff? Well, yes, but I'm afraid I may lose out. It may well turn out to be just that. First things first. We have to resolve the deadlock on the bird issue. You see, there are two schools of thought on the matter. Ben Franklin and I are in favor of the turkey, whereas Jefferson and Washington for some reason want the eagle. But Franklin's always outside playing with his ridiculous toys instead of here where he belongs, so it becomes two against one. Yes? A friend once told me that women go crazy over guys with a big signature. Goodbye. What is it? Much better, thank you. My teeth were grinding into a fine powder, and that blanket was really making me itch. What's so great about the turkey? What's wrong with the eagle? Don't you guys have anything better to do? I see. I see. I gotta go. They've helped us to survive since we set foot on this continent. They're symbolic of prosperity and the thanks we give for our lives here. Besides, they're kind of cute. Well, it's a bird of prey, for one thing. I don't think that's an appropriate symbol for our country. Such as what? Errr... Establish domestic freedoms? Figure out what to do about the national debt? Never mind. There, you see? Come on, this is IMPORTANT stuff. Debt? This is a PROSPEROUS country! We don't have a DEBT. There, you see? Good. Goodbye. Well, I gotta go, dude. *ahem* BOY, IT'S SURE QUIET IN HERE. I WONDER IF THERE MIGHT BE ANY IDEAS WORTH DISCUSSING IN THE SUGGESTION BOX? MAYBE SOMEBODY SHOULD TAKE A LOOK. I say, lads, I have an idea. D-d-does it have anything to do with starting a f-f-fire? Harassing Betsy with arbitrary flag design changes is getting dull. Besides, last time she threatened to stitch me. No. I was thinking it's about time we opened the suggestion box. Don't you agree? S-sure George. If you s-s-say so. Sure, George. If you say so. Yes, whatever you think is fine with us. Excellent! What's he th-thinking? N-n-no one of any importance has b-been here all day. What c-c-could be in the s-suggestion box? What's he thinking? No one of any importance has been here all day. What could be in the suggestion box? Perhaps he intends to suggest something himself. Oh. Ah, here's a suggestion. It says: `George says that every American should have a vacuum cleaner in their basement!` What do you think, gentlemen? Um... ...whatever you say, George. Your n-name's on it...I'm sure you m-m-must have a good reason f-for suggesting it. Your name's on it...I'm sure you must have a good reason for suggesting it. Yes... It's strange... ...I don't quite... ...well, I'm sure I had a reason for it. If there are no objections, we shall add it to the constitution immediately! No? Good! And so shall it be law. What's a `vacuum cleaner`? It's got a picture of a guy on a horse. Hmmm... A 1778 pony express general delivery stamp... Not too valuable... ...but it is uncanceled. I love the way these taste. Take that, stamp. I might want to use it. Eew, it's soaking wet! I can almost get it now, but lard-o is lying on the sleeve. I can't pick it up. That guy is lying on it. Wrong size. My grandma gave me one like this for my birthday. I don't have anything against this phone. I'm not so sure that's a good idea. He looks like he's in a hurry. Here, perhaps these are your keys. He doesn't need this anymore. I doubt he'd be interested. He could easily overpower me. Hey, that's friggin' hilarious. Why don't you go show your mamma now, cuz I'm busy! Would you like some coffee? No thanks. I need steady hands in my line of work. What line of work is that? Uh... brain surgery. Man! Guess you don't need sleeping pills if you've got THAT around. Now go away, kid, you bother me. Someone wrote `WASH ME` in the dust. Some people think that washing one's vehicle will make it rain. Oh? Uh-huh. How about that. Oh, I could never do that. It's really dirty. I think it's locked. It's not my car. I would, but it would only rain. I don't think that would help. It didn't work for the other guy. Why should it work for me? I'm no vandal. I think they filmed `Motel Slasher 3` here. That would take a bit more time and paint than I've got. It WOULD be an improvement. It's empty. It's already open. It's stuck. I think he broke it. It's a bit late for that. It must be one of these. Drat. Maybe this one. What sort of person would carry around this many keys? Where? Gimme! Hey, thanks pal. Keep the crowbar. Thank you, masked man. Hi! Don't sneak up on me like that! Say, I'm kind of busy... What are you up to? I don't see your keys in the car. If you're locked out, why break into the TRUNK? Here, perhaps these are your keys. Nice crowbar! See you later. Er, I, uh... I locked my keys in the car. Thanks. Don't even think about asking to use it. I need it. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Um, actually, I lost them somewhere. I, uh, have a spare set of keys in there. Hi! Look, I'm in a bit of a hurry, so kindly beat it. Nice crowbar. Thanks. Hey, do you mind? I'm using this. I guess not too many birds bathe in the evening. He's already painted. He looks like a tall, mummified Dr. Fred. No way! He's too heavy. I think I'll need a little more leverage. He doesn't seem interested. Ha! Got ya good, old buddy! I guess he's not interested. That's no way to treat an old friend. It might catch the whole house on fire! It's the one I hung from the roof. I don't think that will do much good at the moment. I don't think that will do much good from here. `HELP WANTED: Lab Assistant` `Hard-working drone needed to assist genius with experiments.` `High school diploma not required.` It's on the other side of the window. Green, are you ok? Tmk m grg uff! Eh? I think he'll be ok here for now. We better not move him. I'm petrified of these things now. No, we have to turn off the Sludge-O-Matic first. It's already open. I don't want to be locked out. It's empty. It's closed. Tampering with the mail is a federal offense. It won't do much good by itself. It's a hole. Shaped like me. I'm not proud of it. But there it is. I'm not throwing anything down there. Ted is red. See red Ted. Hey, I just flew in from Baltimore... ...and boy are my suction cups tired! Ha ha ha! A classic. I know: Why did the human cross the road? Because his tentacle owner told him to! Ha ha ha! I got one: How can you tell a human from a sack of flour? Drop them both off a tall building, and the human will bounce! Ha! It's funny because it's true! Here's one: How many tentacles does it take to change a light bulb? None! That's the sort of tedious labor humans are for! Heh heh heh. Good one! Okay, A fat human and an athletic human simultaneously slip on a sucker print and fall in a river. Which one will swim to shore first? Neither! Humans are too dumb to swim! Ha ha ha! A classic. I got one: A blonde male human and a brunette female human jump out of an airplane without parachutes... Which one will survive? Who cares!?! Ha! I can relate to that one! Well, it's better than it used to be... ...but it still lacks... control. No, I might hurt him. No, I might get sauce on it. Get it? That's the spirit, Mr. Mummy! Gosh, we gotta pick you up a sense of humor somewhere. That would get us disqualified! Gum chewing is not behavior fitting for a beauty queen. I could never do that to someone as shy and sensitive as my friend here! Well... He's got an impressive smile... He's got no smile to speak of... ...a nice, hearty laugh... ...absolutely no laugh... ...and he's lots of hair, but there's no STYLE to it. ...and luscious, stylish hair. ...and he's bald as a cue ball. In other words, not a chance in hell. Pretty darn good for a mummy. He already has teeth. Take that, mummy. He's a good friend, I wouldn't subject him to this stuff. Oh, I never get tired of that one, you witty tentacle! What a pretty-boy. Why, thank you. Trying to put us all to sleep so you can steal the contest, eh? I can win this contest without cheating. Well, at least without actually KILLING anybody. Howdy. Oh, look... red, white, and blue... Is that look coming back in again? Howdy, Harold. HOW-dee, I'm sure. Oh, please! Why must you pester me? Hee hee. Liked that one, did ya? They've been told not to accept gifts from strangers. But I'll take whatever it is. I can win this contest without cheating. Well, at least without actually KILLING anybody. You'd have to really hate somebody to pull a mean trick like that. Nice smile. Oh yeah? Look at this one... Ha! I've seen better smiles on a horse! Jealous. They've been told not to accept gifts from strangers. But I'll take whatever it is. I don't think this guy has much of a chance. None of them do--against me that is. I think he got it. You'd have to really hate somebody to pull a mean trick like that. That guy doesn't look like he'd be into this. Hee hee. C'mon! Say something! They've been told not to accept gifts from strangers. But I'll take whatever it is. You'd have to really hate somebody to pull a mean trick like that. This one's very tense. It's hard to relax when you know you're about to lose. Hey, when are you guys going to judge Best Hair? Keep up the good work, you judges you. Oh, all right! The mummy's has improved... Yes, but it's dull, flat, stringy... ...lacks body and control. A human's hair should stand UP, not stand OUT. If only it was a LITTLE BIT better... Wow! That's the best hair I've ever seen on a mummy. Thick and full... ...and JUICY! The mummy wins! Agreed! Let's give it to the blonde. What's your reasoning? She winked at me. Good enough! Harold's got some amazing hair. The mummy's has improved... Yes, but it's dull, flat, stringy... ...lacks body and control. Whereas Harold's flows and bounces with every subtle turn of his head. Yes, Harold wins. If only the mummy's was a LITTLE BIT better... Agreed! Wow! For a mummy, that's some great looking hair! Yes, it has a certain... ...MEATINESS. But does it have stars and lightning bolts? No. Harold is still the best. But if Harold were to, say... DROP DEAD, I'd give first place to the mummy. Agreed! As usual, no one competes with Harold. Agreed! Okay, who's got a joke? hahaha It's amazing how the mummy can do that without moving his lips. I say we give him first place! Agreed! I think our mummy friend picked up a sense of humor somewhere. Yes, but Harold still tops him. Oh, of course. Harold wins hands down. But if it weren't for Harold, I'd let the mummy have it. Agreed. I still say Harold wins, with the mummy as runner-up. Agreed. Nobody laughed. Maybe we should come up with a better joke. Agreed. Harold by a mile. Now THERE'S a sense of humor! Agreed. I like the quiet one with the big teeth. There's nothing in the rules about them being WHITE... First Place goes to the mummy! Agreed! Not a bad set of chompers on that blonde... If Harold's not competing, I don't care who wins. (sigh) Me either. That quiet one in bandages has the biggest smile I've ever seen! But his teeth aren't as pearly white as Harold's. Oh, of course--there's no comparison. But I think we should give second place to the mummy because he maintains it for so long. Agreed! Yow! That Harold sure knows how to bare them beauties! I could see my reflection in one of his incisors! First Place! Well, that makes him BEST OF SHOW! Let's go congratulate him! He IS very well preserved... I'll miss his laugh... It's time to give him his winnings and start packing up. We gotta get this whole show to Baltimore by Thursday. Yes, our work here is done. Well, Ted, this is where we part ways. You've certainly helped save humanity. Even though you've been dead for thousands of years... ...I think you're my... *sniff* ...favorite Edison. Oh, no! I've lost it! O! Where hath gone the muse that once guided my hand with such care? Must inspiration be so transitory? Must art be so cruel? I'm a failure. Don't say that, Ned! Father was right. We Edisons are made to be scientists, not artists. Dear brother... We must be strong in these times of creative adversity. Why don't you let me take over for a while. I'll clean up this rubble and start over. You relax... ...have a cappuccino. I'm glad we switched places. I think you're coming out quite well. Looks like a big storm. See, this is why I never wash my car. Hey, Ben! Oh, it's you. What do you want? Where are you going? What about your experiment? Even science sometimes gets called on account of rain, my boy! But how're you ever gonna get lightning if you're not gonna stand out in a storm? To be frank, which I am, I don't know. The science of electrodynamics... ...much like your mind, apparently... ...is still in a state of relative infancy. Back to the drawing board, I say! What a genius. I got something good for ya, Mister... ...uh, Mister... Mr. Brainstorm? Yes, hand it over. Hmmm... Doesn't this belong to somebody? Yeah, Red Edison. Ah. I'm sorry, but the man has no vision! A lightweight, durable fabric like this, going to waste down in his basement... When I'm done with it, it will fly! Hmmm... Eureka! The All-Season Frank-O-Copter! Ready to make history! No, there's no fuse. So what do I light? For the last time, you're not going to light anything! You just push it! The whole time? How am I going to get up that high? Listen, just wait for me to say the word, `Now`... ...then push the kite into the air. All right? I'm on ya, lasagna. Let's hope so. Soon all the power of the heavens will be MINE! All MINE!!! If only we had some nasty weather... nnngg Nnnggg! NNNGGGG! *phew* She's handling kinda funny... You got it... ...just hang on there. She's too heavy. I can't control her! Hang on, Ben. Hang on! She's breaking up! She's breaking up! Run for your life! Look at her go! Now all we need is a little-- Hello? Mighty Thor? Off we go, into the wild blue yonder... Easy, now... Just a little higher... Come on, come on... I think we've got it this time... Aiiieee!!! Whoa. Can we bring back my friends now? According to my instruments, your lively friend in the future hasn't yet powered her unit. According to my instruments, your rotund friend in the past hasn't yet powered his unit. According to my instruments, your friends have not yet powered their units. We've repaired the primary device... ...but before we can do anything, BOTH time pods must be energized as well. Then we can bring back what's-his-name and who's-her-face! Hoagie and Laverne. Yes! Fine specimens! I can see the roof right outside. Mangy flea-bitten rat-batting mouse-muncher. What a pretty pussycat. I wouldn't want him to squirt me back. I don't do cruelty to animals. No matter how vicious. Use it for what? No way! It was hard to get it! Thermodynamic flux induction circuit design is-- Cats love things like this. Cats dig these. Oh, I love these! I think not. Why? YIPE! Chateau de Cheap 1775. No, thanks. Some things are best left unopened. Even I won't drink that. I can't do it with my bare hands. It's already open. It's already very closed. I don't think I can put it back the way it was. It's a dented old can. There's a plaque here about it. I can't pick it up. Maybe I can open it. I don't want to damage the contents. Looks beat up enough as it is. I don't think that will open it. Umm, how decorative. Someone seems to have bolted it to the table. It's ugly enough as it is. No time for that now. Looks comfortable. That would be vandalism. It looks like a poodle I once knew. `In Commemoration of the Constitutional Convention` `Interred by Thomas Jefferson AD 1790` `Run over by a plow AD 1795` `Sorry about the dents.` It's fastened to the wall. It's sunny out. I'm not THAT desperate for fresh air. I hope this wasn't used in the outhouses. What the heck is this? I hate these things. Nothing to clean in here. What for? Ha! It's empty. It's full of water. It's full of soapy water. Nothing to scrub here. Naw! That would make a mess. Why should I do that? Need to get it charged first. That doesn't need a battery. It's Red's battery. It's mine, mine, mine. The meter says it's at zero power. The meter says it's fully powered. FLUSH my one chance of getting out of here? Shyeah! Just looks like a regular hammer to me... ...but then I'm no scientist. Just a plain ol' hammer, I'd say. To me, it looks like a normal hammer. Mr. Science Guy? Bumbling beakers! What now? How incredibly annoying! Glad I invented it! Stop! That book's starting to put me to sleep! He seems busy. Hey! Only employees are allowed to use that lab coat! It looks more like a raincoat than a lab coat. It looks kinda small for me. It's covered with plans and junk. Whatever that is, bring it here. What was it you needed for that battery again? I still need the vinegar and gold. I still need the gold and some oil. I still need oil and vinegar. I still need the oil. I still need the vinegar. I still need the gold. Let me know if you happen across any. Ah, the final element for my ingenious battery! Stand back, boy! Give me room to work! A miracle of modern science! It will look lovely here on the shelf until I take it with me to Baltimore. Don't look now but the British are coming, dude. Eh? Where? Is that supposed to be funny? I'm very busy. Ah HA! Get away from that! It's a good thing I finished in there quickly... Now, SCRAM! ...they just don't make founding fathers like they used to... I guess this is George Washington's bed. It's all rumpled up. Don't touch that! I'm trying to straighten up! It looks warm enough as it is. I'm a roadie. I can mess up a room WITHOUT a knife. Wheee! It rings for the maid to come straighten the room. I bet it calls the butler, just like on TV. Who's that gorgeous babe? Isn't that Benedict Arnold? Look, a three-headed monkey. The British are coming! Where? . You didn't expect me to fall for that old gag, did ya? You have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool this old joker... In fact, I INVENTED disappearing ink. It's covered with unrecognizable, useless junk... ...and a gun. Cleaning this stuff up is someone else's business. It's a grate with some chattering teeth caught in it. Hmmm, air conditioning, I guess. Maybe I got a little carried away. I've hurt Oozo enough. It's bad enough to carry the weight of his death on my conscience. Disgusting. I don't even want to touch that gunk! We don't need any fires in here. Cleaning this up is someone else's job. I hate that clown. It has three settings. `Cook,` `Jet Defrost,` and `Mutilate Beyond Recognition.` It's already open. It's already closed. I've already thawed him out. Besides, he won't let me insert the meat thermometer. Nahhh... too messy. Maybe that isn't such a hot idea. It's bad to put metal in a microwave. They may be oppressive and power-mad, but at least the tentacles recycle stuff. It has no door. Sure, I guess I won't be needing it. I can't do that. Nah, that might be useful. It says `Medula-Oblongator.` Don't mess with electronics you don't understand. The label is hard to read, but I think it says something about a rhesus monkey. I'm not putting anything in there. `Remove specimen here.` It says `Opener.` Gosh, I hope this isn't like the primitive, dangerous microwave ovens of my century. Those things could really pop a hamster good. Uh-oh. That was fun, but only because this is the 22nd century. You see, kids who put hamsters in microwaves back where I'm from... ...get taken away from their parents... ...and put up for adoption! So don't do it! Hey, look. A skunk. Come back here you mangy humans! You can't do this! This is an escape-proof facility!!! Who says you can't learn anything from cartoons, eh kitty? Hey! No pets! You might spook the humans! EEEUUCH! The grass! Use the grass! Disgusting human! Hi! You haven't seen a gangly human around, have you? Err, no. Well, what do we have here? Looks like a prosthetic rodent! Another specimen! Yum yum! Scrumptious vermin! It's as if he'd rather scratch himself than play with this adorable rodent! Oooh. It has a dent in it shaped like my skull. Why did I pick this stupid thing up? No need for a hubcap there, just like most places. There's a hamster in there, I think. Or, at least, pieces of one. That's how you empty the vacuum cleaner, I guess. Vacuum up mice? Maybe later. I don't do housework. I can't. It's built-in. It has a door on the side. Not while he's working. I don't want to bug him. I think warmth would work better than force. He's just running and running and running... He looks too cold to run. Yep. I'd say that's where the juice comes out. I don't want to gunk it up. I'd probably be better off using a plug or something like that. It's hooked up to the generator. It's all hooked up now. I don't want to disturb it. It's all hooked up. But it's all hooked up outside. It's the extension cord I threw through the window. There's a face print on the glove. I hope it's sprung for good. It's done moving. I have no time for revenge... That will all come later. It's the same generator that was in Dr. Fred's lab! I can see the Chron-o-John out there. I can't from down here. I can't fit in there! I'm sure he's in there. What I need now is a vacuum cleaner. Now, why isn't there a vacuum cleaner down here? Every American should have a vacuum cleaner in their basement! Looks abandoned. Hello? Fluffums? Hello, mice. Good riddance! It's beyond repair. It needs much more than a fresh coat of paint. I don't think it's a crank-starter. It's damaged enough. It needs much more than an oil change. These go to an American car. No wheels. It's too late for christening. It's open. Probably just the tentacles' winter... ...uh, winter... ...things. I'm not interested in tentacle junk. I don't want to put it in storage yet. I like it. I want to carry it around with me. WELL? Look at that sucker go! He just keeps running and running and running... Why stick a hamster ice-cube in the generator? He won't run. He just shivers. No. Hmmm? According to my instruments, everything is in readiness! Your friends have activated their units, so it's time to... THROW THE SWITCH! Great! Hoagie! I'm so happy to-- Hi! Laverne! Wow! I'm so glad you two made it back ok! I hate to interrupt, but there's no time to lose! Now that you're back, we've got to proceed with the original plan and send you back to yesterday to turn off the Sludge-O-Matic_. Huh? Say WHAT?!?! Now, hold on a minute, Dr. Fred. They just barely made it back to our time alive, and I think-- HaHA! You can't turn off the machine if I get there FIRST! Uh-oh. Don't worry guys! This time I KNOW I can stop him! Uh-oh. I guess we'd better do something. Let's go! NO, WAIT! You can't all go in the same stall! Didn't you see `The Fly`?!? We're... ...we're... We're some kinda monster, dudes. Great. Stuck here the rest of my life... ...listening to Bernard talking and watching Hoagie eat. Mom warned me there'd be days like this. Now, wait just a minute-- mts pmpl tmpcl It's Green Tentacle! What was that, Green? PMPL TMPCL G BHND J!! What? I believe he's trying to warn you about ME. ...oh... We're going to turn off the Sludge-O-Matic_ and defeat your evil plans, you overgrown WORM. You sorry lot are no match for ME! But there's THREE of us-- --well, sort of! Nevertheless, I mean to crush you. Yeah? You and what army? Why, THIS army, of course. ...yikes... You see, I've been busy. These are all versions of myself from the future. I've been bringing them back here using the Chron-O-John. Together, we will CONQUER THE WORLD!! You ten there! Go to the basement and guard the Sludge-O-Matic_. No one is to touch the Sludge-O-Matic_. Now, creature, I must decide what excruciating tortures to-- Leave them to me! I've been itching for a chance to test out my newly completed DIMINUATOR! Uh, oh. Excuse me, uh, us. BWAHAHAHA!! All right, the rest of you come with me! Next stop... ...THE WORLD! What do we do NOW? Whoa! It wears off! Ah HAH! Run for it! Damn! The battery must not have had time to recharge... ...but it will! Shh! Maybe he won't find us. Yoohoo! Where are you, human? Hey, wanna see a neat trick? Sure! Neat, huh? Uh... My pony express stamps! You ruined my pony express stamps! Not to mention five years of therapy! GET OUT OF MY ROOM!!! Geeze! What a grump! He should really try to find some outlet for those-- ...negative feelings. I think he'd kill me if I did it again. Mmmm. Thanks. I needed a little pick-me-up. Must ... open ... safe ... Must ... sign ... contract ... Must ... provide ... for ... family ... Now THAT'S good coffee! He's already unconscious; decaf might kill him! But it's worth a try. Yeah, what do you want? Hi there? Is this Dr. Fred Edison? Who did you think you called? Dr. Spock? Look, I don't have all day. This is Farley Krock at LucasArts Games. I just discovered your contract among some very old files. And, well, our lawyers say that we, uh... ...have to pay you two million dollars in back royalties. Uh, for the use of your family in the Maniac Mansion video game. WHAT! This is Farley Kro-- No, I heard that, you MORON. When do I get my MONEY?!? Oh, right now. It's been credited to your Swiss bank account. Operator! Get me a travel agent! This is an emergency! ...oof... Dr. Fred, are you OK? Dr. Fred? I'd better get him to the lab. Well, I got him in here. But he's out cold. Dr. Fred Edison? Internal Revenue. Come with us. We'd like to go over some of your records with you... ...upstairs. Bribery won't get you anywhere. Watch it! Impressive triangular formation. Dr. Fred is being held under duress. Dr. Fred! Are you alright? Get me out of here! I feel like I'm pupating! There's nothing to get. There's something in there. It's empty. I'm surprised I ever got out of there alive. I don't want to get locked out. I don't know how to run this thing! I don't think it's much use without a diamond. It's already open. I don't want to cause any more trouble. It's glowing. It's fine where it is. Well, I'M ready to go. Who knows what Hoagie and Laverne are up to. It can't do anything without a new diamond. No way. Too late. We need it now. Stop it, you little twerp. Yikes! That's boring stuff! I'd yawn, but I'm too jacked on caffeine! He already signed it. He doesn't want that. He looks worried. Get away from that! `World's Greatest Mad Scientist` I think it's designed to run with something more like a small rodent. It looks like a generator driven by a treadmill. It's Dr. Fred's design for a super-battery! It's capable of storing up to one gigavolt with a charging time of only .01 seconds! Wow! It's a design for a super-battery. It looks like it's capable of storing up to one gigavolt in about .01 seconds. It's the battery plans I'm supposed to give to that Red Edison dude. I'd better not change them. Better not. That might invalidate the patent. `To do:` Hoagie needs this. There are no more push-pins. `WARNING: Output from this device is highly toxic... ...and may cause tyrannical delusions if ingested.` `WARNING: Do not touch the Sludge-O-Matic_ 3000.` We'd better deal with Purple Tentacle first! I'd rather not. I don't think he'll be much of a conversationalist right now. I would, but he's asleep. He's still asleep. He won't hear me, he's still asleep. I'm not interested in your paltry offerings. He looks a lot like Santa, but not as friendly. That's probably a bad idea. I think it's the switch for the Sludge-O-Matic_ machine. We can't reach it! That won't do any good. Naa. Seems to have a high tensile strength. It won't all fit in the Chron-O-John at once. Nothing happened. Whoopee. He's all wrapped in red tape. No time for fun now! I've got to get him out of here! Dr. Fred? Must still be asleep. He's red enough as it is. I don't think there's enough in the bottle to cover him. I might hurt him! I don't think he could hear me reading. He's already pretty tied up with it. I just got him UNtied. He looks comfortable where he is. I just got him UP here. He's already painted. I hope he's comfortable. I wouldn't know where to put him. I like him the color he is. I doubt this amount could cover him. Yeeks, who knows what I'd find in there? I guess he's not interested. I think he's red enough as it is. I think I'll leave him right where he is. Those IRS guys will never know the difference. It's not exactly the Ritz... I wouldn't want to strain myself. No time for that now, this is a rescue! No time for that now, I'm saving the world from Purple Tentacle! Wow, he's still asleep. No time for fun now, I've got to get him out of here! That didn't do much. I can't carry him. It's tied to him already. Good, sturdy stuff. I'm not sure it's long enough as it is. It won't do much good from this end. There is nothing attached to it. It won't go any further. I can see the roof and some Christmas lights. It's already open. It's stuck. I don't want to close it THAT badly. Not with those IRS guys hanging around. Ah, there you are. What are you doing down there? Fun and games, Doctor? On the floor again, eh? Very funny. Oh, by the way... ...capital gains taxes apply even if you spell your name in lower case on the form. Don't try anything sneaky. I can see this bed through the peephole, you know. There's no escape from the IRS. Just lie there and take it like a man. Uh-oh. Hey! Where'd he go? Uh-oh. Hmm. Thought I heard something. Everything OK in there? Well, try to keep it down, OK? Hey! Who's this, Doc? Relative? Well, I'm sure we can audit him next. This isn't a party. There're some IRS guys in the next room. I bet there are better decorated rooms in prison. You humans are so SHORT-sighted. You humans are so SMALL-minded. You humans amount to very LITTLE. Your efforts are so TINY. HAAAhahahaha! eek! Run all you like, you insignificant insect! Great! Now we can turn off the machine and prevent all this tentacle mayhem from ever happening. Well, I'm certainly glad THAT'S over with. Yeah, let's get out of here. Leaving so soon? We haven't had the chance to get to KNOW one another. Let's discuss your hatred of humans further. Just what is it you have against humans, anyway? Why don't you zap FRED with the ray gun for a change? You're pretty handy with that ray gun. Are you SURE you're a future version of Purple Tentacle? Are you REALLY a future version of Purple Tentacle? We've gotta go save the world now. What's to talk about? I detest the whole cackling, hand-wringing lot of you. Humans are our oppressors! They made us live in this horrible motel! They created us in ungainly forms so we could not rise against them! Try walking around with your legs tied together and glue on your shoes, you'll see what I mean. Center of the forehead, every time. Who else would be brilliant enough to invent the Diminuator? I said I was, did I not? HAHAHAHAHA!! Would you like a demonstration? No, thanks, we can't afford it. I bet you couldn't hit your OWN forehead. Why don't you zap Dr. Fred if you hate him so much? It's free of charge, unlike the Diminuator. Nice try. Hmmm. Perhaps that WOULD be entertaining! So? I see. But humans created the Sludge-O-Matic, which made you super-intelligent. Sounds like you just hate Dr. Fred. I see your point. But humans also created the Sludge-O-Matic, which made you super-intelligent. Sounds like that's all Dr. Fred's fault, really. You wouldn't understand. Soon, the rest of the world will, too. Nonsense. I created that myself and sent it back through time. I knew Fred's mad scientist ego would make him use it. How's that for a paradox? It makes my heads hurt. Who, Fred? But there's only one of him. Huh? Right. Anyway, you can see why I detest humans. Hmmm. I suppose you're right about that. I didn't start out hating ALL humans, just Dr. Fred. Could you give us some stock tips? Do the Sharks ever have a winning season? Do we manage to defeat you and save the world? Can you remember stuff that hasn't happened yet? Are you MORE or LESS intelligent than the Purple Tentacle from our time? How is it that you can grow hair without follicles? I think we'd best be off now. Naturally. The same, but I'VE had two hundred years to think things over. Heh heh heh heh. It wasn't easy... ...but the secret made me VERY wealthy. If you wish. You won't want to miss the enslavement of everyone on Earth. Don't invest in shoes! HAHAHAHAHA! No, but the Tentacles do! HAHAHAHAHA! Of course not! Bummer. I bet you couldn't hit your OWN forehead. Oh, drat! Ummm... ...surely we can talk this out. Hmmm... Talk... Surely... WAIT! You haven't heard the last of me! I'll be back! And the next time... ...the world... ...and all its piffling inhabitants... ...shall be MINE! All MINE! BWAHAHAHA!! All mine! OK, little fella. Mail this to Siberia. Our work here is done. Now we can go home. Well, kiddies... ...it's been more fun than a jump-suit full of weasels. Now kindly get your freakish hide out of my home! Please, Dr. Fred! You've got to get us out of this mess! We look terrible! And we can't buy clothes off the rack! I'm getting sort of used to it. Maybe we could go on the talk show circuit. Help us, Dr. Edison. You're our only hope! Oh, all right. Hmmm... Mmmm... Idiots! It seems you're NOT exactly the sideshow attraction you imagined. You're just three COMPLETE goofballs... ...stuck in ONE suit of clothes! Well, I'm glad THAT'S taken care of. Looks like everything's back to normal! I've already won! You can't stop me! My other selves are taking over the world as we speak! The human race is doomed! Hahahaha! He's frozen solid! I doubt if he'd notice. He's frozen stiff. I might hurt him. This job requires something more high-tech. Hmm, looks like there's some kind of rodent down there. That ice looks incredibly old. It's closed. It's already open. Hello, my silent gauze-wrapped friend. I've powered up the Chron-O-John. I've got to get power to my Chron-O-John. There's something else about the human show... I'm concerned about the human show. Do you think it's strange, me talking to a mummy? My, those are nice clothes you're wearing. I really should go now. I really should go now. I hope Bernard and Hoagie get ready soon, so I can go home. I guess this is more or less goodbye. I wish I could take you back with me. I really should go now. You've been a great friend. Thanks for never complaining about anything. I just want to say you look great in spaghetti. I really should go now. But your wardrobe wouldn't go over well. But I'm afraid of what my friends would say. But that might mess up the space/time continuum. I really should go now. Call me sometime, OK? I mean, you not being able to talk back and so forth. It's not so different from talking to specimens at med school. It's not so different from talking to guys at med school. Oh well. Actually, I kind of like that in a guy. You probably haven't even got any lungs. You, ah, CAN'T talk, right? I really should go now. Except that they're usually a bit more open... Except that you're a little older... Except most of them aren't quite all there... I really should go now. Except for the bandages... Except you probably know more than most of them... Except even you dress better than they do... I really should go now. All that white really gets to me. My grandmother has a couch covered in that material. Is that what the well-dressed Egyptian wore? I really should go now. How am I going to get you downstairs with the others? Your smile isn't much to look at. We've got to do something about your hair. We've still got to do something about your hair. I guess we can't do much about your sense of humor. I think this guy next to you might be a problem. The froofy guy next to you is definitely a problem. We gotta do something about this Harold guy or we're sunk. Where am I going to find a human to enter? Is it really MORAL? What do you think they do with the humans afterwards? But I really should go now. Most of the humans are probably entered already. I don't think I can get the Edisons out of jail in time. I don't think I can get my cellmates out of jail in time. I've got to wear the costume and be the tentacle. Hmmmm... I can't CARRY you, you're too big. Maybe I could cut a hole in the floor and drop you down. I don't suppose you'd walk down on your own? But I really should go now. Have you got any teeth at all? Maybe we can fake it. Pretend you're on a blind date or something. But I really should go now. I couldn't help but notice you haven't got any. Most of the others have big, thick hair. I wish we had a wig. Frankly, it's a mess. Most of the others have nice beehives. I wish we had a comb. But I really should go now. Can you laugh? How about if you heard a really funny joke? What if I tickled you? I really should go now. I suppose killing him's out of the question. Maybe we could just make him really sick. I wonder how we could get him disqualified? I really should go now. I mean, lining people up and judging them like meat. Giving prizes for the best SMILE and HAIR? It reminds me of American politics. I really should go now. Probably they just take them home. I hope it's not like at a cake bake-off or something. Maybe they sell them to science. Oh well, I really should go now. I guess I could wait for a lightning storm. Maybe I could try to find some batteries. I might be able to use the hamster generator in the basement. Oh well. Now how am I going to get that hamster out of the mouse hole? That's if I had a hamster, of course. But my hamster looks a little frosty. But my hamster still looks a little cold. How am I going to get rid of the tentacle by the clock? Except that it's in the basement and the John's in the yard. If it still works. I hope it generates AC current. Oh, well. I wish I had a coat hanger. I wish I had a vacuum cleaner. I wish I had some hamster niblets. Oh well, I really should go now. I could try to overpower him. He must have something better to do. I wish he was off chasing down hapless humans again. Oh well, I really should go now. I wonder where I could get a hamster? I haven't seen any around here. Maybe I could find something similar. Oh well, I really should go now. It's not that far... I doubt I could move either of them. Oh well, I really should go now. Do you think it's strange, me talking to a mummy? Hey, Ted. Talkative as ever, eh, Ted? You haven't changed a whole lot. You know, I bet you'd really like my friend Hoagie. Boy, I haven't seen you since I was here five years ago. You haven't seen any plans for a super-battery around, have you? Too bad that guy noticed you weren't Dr. Fred. How am I going to get Dr. Fred out of here without that big goon stopping me? How am I going to get Dr. Fred out of that room without big goon stopping me? I don't suppose you know where the IRS took Dr. Fred? Boy, I wish I had as little on my mind as you do. Well, I'd best be on about saving the world. Well, I'd best be on about saving the world. Nah, didn't think so. I think they were going to audit him or something. THEY'RE still here, so he probably is, too. I wonder where he keeps all his financial records. I bet they've got him all tied up in bureaucratic red tape. Oh, well. I guess I'd best be on about saving the world. Maybe I can get him out so fast they don't hear me. Maybe I can fix it so they don't notice he's gone. Maybe I can overpower the IRS guy somehow. Oh, well. I guess I'd best be on about saving the world. If only you looked a bit more like Fred. Maybe we could turn down the lights in here. Maybe I'll try something else. Oh, well. I guess I'd best be on about saving the world. No offense intended, of course. I mean, my best friends are stranded in time. Purple Tentacle's probably taking over the planet by now. Oh, well. I guess I'd best be on about saving the world. I hope they're able to get power to their johns. We've got the main unit working. I've got to somehow get hold of a diamond. Oh, well. I guess I'd best be on about saving the world. Maybe I could make one. Maybe I could buy one. Maybe I could get someone else to buy me one. I wish I knew someone with a lot of money. I guess I'd best be on about saving the world. We've got to go back in time to shut off the sludge machine. I guess first I've got to get Hoagie and Laverne back. At least the main unit of the time machine is working. I've got to somehow get hold of a diamond. Oh, well. I guess I'd best be on about saving the world. He's a roadie for a heavy metal band. You could hit him over the head with a bowling ball and it wouldn't faze him. He can pass out standing up and not drop anything. The two of you have a lot in common. I guess I'd best be on about saving the world. Wassup? Don't feel like talking, huh? Vow of silence or something probably, right? Well, that's cool. I have something for Red Edison. Know where I can find some oil? Know where I can get some vinegar? Know where I can get some gold? Great hat, man. Well, nice talking to you, dude. Later, dude. Do you know where I could find him? You wouldn't be him, would you? Later, dude. Any kind of oil will do. Later, dude. I guess not. Any restaurants nearby? Maybe I could MAKE some vinegar. Later, dude. Maybe some Krugerrands? Maybe a gold watch? Maybe not, eh? Later, dude. I dig the three-corner idea. I know some dudes in a band who'd eat roaches for hats like that. Know where I could get one? Later, dude. It's like the pyramids, you know? It's so piratey, you know? How do you decide which side's the front? Later, dude. I heard pyramids are supposed to have weird energies. My friend Eddie told me the pyramids were built by aliens. Hey, are you REALLY a mummy? Later, dude. Far out. Whoa. As if. Way. Gnarly. Awesome. Later, dude. All's you need is an eyepatch and a hook. Ever see the movie `The Secret of Monkey Island`? Avast, me matey! Later, dude. Totally rad! Wendell Finkwinkle is awesome as the Guybrush dude. Killer three-headed monkey effect, man. Later, dude. Heh heh heh. Yo ho ho, dude. Prepare to walk the plank, me bucko. Stand back, ye scurvy sea dog. Later, dude. Stop yer starin' and pass the grog. Have at ye, o bilge rat. Make haste, three sheets to the wind. Later, dude. Does a point always go forwards, or a flat part? Is there a tag in it, or what? Or are there competing fashions of tri-corner wear? Later, dude. Personally, I'd wear the point forwards... Personally, I'd wear the flat part forwards... Later, dude. ... that way, you never forget which direction you're walking. ... that way, if you bang your head on a wall you don't wreck the hat. Of course, they'd probably eat roaches anyhow. They're called `Insensitive Spittoon.` Know where I could get them a couple hats, extra big? Later, dude. They're like that. Maybe with a little chocolate sauce. I once saw them play a whole set with grasshoppers in their nostrils. Later, dude. Ever hear of them? They play funk punk folk polka house grunge rock. I helped name the band! Later, dude. No, I guess you wouldn't have. If you ever get to the 1990's, check them out. They play at the Black and Blue Sound Pitt in the city a lot. Later, dude. That's a new movement based in Tucson. They're heavily influenced by bands like Limpid Harmonica and Howling Moon Rocket Limbo. Later, dude. I thought of the `Spittoon` part. They might sign with VGA soon. I worked with them before I hooked up with Megabreth. Later, dude. Are there several manufacturers? Would I need to go to a specialty store? Do they come in a variety of designer colors? Later, dude. I'm interested in quality. Could I get a band logo printed on one? Does anyone make them with propellers on top? Later, dude. I don't suppose you'd consider parting with yours, would you? Well, let me know if you change your mind. Black is good, but how about red? Maybe like a gold lam‚ or something. I'd really go for a paisley print. Later, dude. Then again, I guess red wouldn't go over too big here at the moment. That's enough, son. I just wanted to be sure you weren't one of those humanist sympathizers. What with this ridiculous `human show` going on here there's humophiles everywhere. Tell me, Lieutenant, how do you REALLY feel about humans? Honestly, sir? I think they're filthy. Obscene. Foul. Sickening. Like the stuff in your eyes when you wake up. Like the wax that builds up behind your suction cups after a few days. Like... That's enough, son. I just wanted to be sure you weren't one of those humanist sympathizers. What with this ridiculous `human show` going on here there's humophiles everywhere. I'm no humophile, sir. That's good. Now let me tell you about a little plan I have... Lieutenant, I want to ask you something. It may trouble you. Ask away, sir. I can take it. I've got a strong stomach. Nerves of steel. Bowels of brass. Suckers of-- Can it, son, this is important. Have any of your friends seemed a bit... ...FIRM, lately? Ew, ick. You mean like, non-squishy and non-slimy? That's right. Come closer. I have recently become suspicious that HUMANS might try to infiltrate us. No. Though basically stupid, they can be tricky. They may be in disguise... Ahem. Ah, Lieutenant, I'm glad you're here. What kept you? Errr... Well, I hate to say it sir, but there was some trouble with one of the humans. Trouble? What sort of trouble? Nothing I couldn't handle, but I've noticed something about the humans that may pose a problem. Do continue. Well sir, in general they seem to be a bit... ...LARGER than us tentacles. You know, taller. Heftier. More massive. Able to leap-- I get the picture, son. I don't mean to carry on, sir, it's just that it makes me feel... ...inadequate. Small. Inferior. Out of control of-- Before you go off the deep end there, let me tell you why I called you here. You see, I've invented something which will end our troubles with those glandular leg-walkers for good. I've invented... ...the Diminuator! The what? It's a SHRINKING ray, dolt. Oh, I get it! Now, I need you to get me a few parts so I can finish the thing. Come over here. I got the frabomatic gizmo for you, sir... You mean the high-frequency frabjistatic generator? ...yes, that one. But I'm having trouble locating the numo-whatsis. The pneumo-electric de-amplifier. You might try that old abandoned lab in the basement. It's hardly been touched in two hundred years. Yes, sir. The Diminuator will be my crowning success! With it I will be able to shrink the entire human race out of sight! BWAHAHAHAHA!! Well, errr, young tentacle... ...what have you got to report? I've found the piece you needed, sir. Excellent! The human race shall soon be as puny as their intellects! Have the prisoners been keeping intellects as pets again? I'll have to reprimand them! That's INSECTS, you buffoon! Anyway, we have more important things to think about. I once read that humans were descended from buffoons. THAT'S-- ...never mind. I need your help with another matter. Come closer, I'm about to reveal my MASTER PLAN! It begins two hundred years in our past... Well, errr, whatever your name is... ...how goes our secret plan? Just fine, sir. Ah, excellent! Hahahahahaha! It looks ready to go. It's unplugged. Well, I'M all ready to go. But I guess I have to wait for Bernard and Laverne. It's unplugged! The battery's not charged. That's no good. It needs some real JUICE! I don't want to get locked out. It's already open. He's not as striking in person as he is on the dollar bill. He looks kind of shifty to me. They're pretty shaken up already. I'd better leave them be. Thank you, this is exactly the sort of thing I need for the time capsule. I'll bury it tonight, and it won't be seen for hundreds of years. Future generations are in your debt. Whoa. I don't need that. If I had a nickel for every time I've seen that face... Scratch one kumquat tree. Looks better now. Mmmmm... Kumquats. `Ye Olde Outhouses.` This stuff takes the fun outta graffiti. It's already painted. I can't. Vandalism hasn't been invented yet. The father of our country is gazing out at me. Wow. It's broken. Hey, it wasn't ME! I can't reach it. Hmm. This door appears to be locked. It's already closed. Grody. I'd rather use a tree. Hmm. This door appears to be locked. It's already closed. Grody. Nah, it stinks. I should plug that into the battery and get the heck out of here! I should plug that into the battery, once it's charged. I should plug that into the super-battery... ...once I get one made. It's attached to the Chron-O-John. I don't think it'll get much power from that. Who's that gorgeous babe? Isn't that Benedict Arnold? Look, a three-headed monkey. The British are coming! Where? Hi there, Mister... Franklin! Ben Franklin! Soon to be known as The Inventor of Electricity! Um, do you know Red Edison? He's a scientist guy too. Red Edison? A SCIENTIST? He's just an innkeeper who PRETENDS to be a scientist! And he's not very good at doing either one! I can't believe Washington and Jefferson picked HIS inn, of all places, to write our constitution... Excuse me, Mister... Mr. Electricity? Mr. Power? Mr. Lightning Tamer? Mighty Electric Man? Big Thunder Ben? He Who Glows with Righteousness? Mr. Hammer of the Gods? Hey, I read that book. Mr. Most Powerful Man on Earth? Mr. Mundane-No-More? Mr. It-Strikes-Twice-If-I-Say-It-Does? That would be me. Shouldn't you say, `The DISCOVERER of Electricity?` I need Red to help me save humanity. Whatcha doin' there? Do you mean Washington, like, PRESIDENT Washington? Speaking of mad science... Um, what was that part just before the crazy laugh? So where's this Red guy at? What's so bad about Red? Aren't you the hundred-dollar guy? Yeah, I can't believe it either. Well, see ya... Well, see ya... Well, see ya... Hmmm... `The Hundred Dollar Guy...` ...not bad. You think the ultimate power in the universe is just under some rock, waiting to be discovered? Ha! I, Ben Franklin, am going to SUMMON power from the sky by sheer force of GENIUS! So he's a missionary now, eh? Well, why not? Can't be any worse at that than he is at inventing! Down in his secret lab, of course, neglecting his guests. Did he tell you he was president? The nerve of that guy! Always trying to run things... But of course, no one will care who's president once I've harnessed the ultimate power: The power of ELECTRICITY!!! Bwah-ha ha! What can you say about a guy who spent the last four years perfecting a left-handed hammer? He's insane! And he steals other people's inventions too... ...before they can even apply for the patent. Not that I'm bitter... Carry on! And a great day it is for it, too! My experiments are bringing me ever closer to complete mastery over nature! As we speak, I am attempting to lure power out of the Heavens to do my bidding... When I succeed, I truly shall be the most powerful man on Earth! You are truly whacked, Ben. Shouldn't you say, `The DISCOVERER of Electricity?` I wonder what Red would say about that. I could use a little power myself, for my time machine. How exactly are you going to do that power-luring? I have a question about that power-luring thing. When you're all-powerful, will you need a number-two guy? Well, I'll let you get back to your tugging. Well, I'll let you get back to your tugging. Who cares about that crackpot? Ha! That's what they said about the man who invented bifocals. Wasn't that you? Good point! Guess they were right! I'll have millions grovelling at my feet, begging to serve me. Will you need anyone to set up lights? Will you need anyone to do sound checks? Will you need anyone to pack up drums? Will you need anyone to tape down mike cords? Will you need anyone to strike sets? Will you need anyone to let chicks backstage? Will you need anyone to roll you over when you pass out? Will you need anyone to help with the kite? I won't need lights because my body will be glowing so brightly with the power of the heavens. I don't need to be checked. As you can see, I'm perfectly sound. Who needs drums when I have the roll of thunder at my command? Who is Mike Cords and why does he need to be taped down? Thor's mighty hammer will do all the striking I need. Ha! They will come whether you let them or not! No thanks, we Franklins have always rolled our own. Hmmm... Seeing as I'm not yet the most powerful man on Earth... ...I may need some help later if I have to launch this thing again. There will be power enough for all, in time. There aren't any time machines yet, anyway. That's next summer's project. Using one of my newest inventions. I like to call it... THE FRANK-O-COPTER! That's a kite, Ben. They've been around for thousands of years. Oh, sure... ...as toys. But this one is a letter to the gods! It says, `Dear Thor, just one drop of your mighty juice... ...in the hands of a genius like me... ...could illuminate the entire world! -Love, Ben.` I hope you wrote it in Swedish so Thor can read it. Or were those guys Norwegian? I was speaking figuratively. What actually is happening is that I'm waiting for lightning to strike my kite. Yes, my humble student? And then what? Aren't you missing a key or something? Isn't it too sunny for lightning? Well, I'm going to back away now, just in case. And then what? I see. Aren't you missing a key or something? Isn't it too sunny for lightning? Well, I'm going to back away now, just in case. The key to discovery is DARING INTELLECT, my boy! Daring intellect and rigorous science! No, I mean a real key-key. You mean, the `Where the heck did I put my keys?` kind of key? Yeah. That's a manual device! It needs no power! Seriously man, what are you thinking? Shhh! I know that. I'm just trying to keep my grant going until we get a storm. And then the electricity charges the kite. Then the electricity travels down the string. It charges me, of course. I glow with its almighty power. I use its power to make the world a better place. The world kneels before me, asking me to guide it with my mighty benevolence. I have all annoying pests like you locked up. Shot. Yes! Back to SCIENCE! Aren't you the hundred-dollar guy? Whew, that was close. sigh No, that would be wrong. Hey, tall, dark and spiffy. My name's Hoagie. Well, how quaint. I am, of course, Thomas Jefferson... ...noted scholar, musician, horseman... ...student of the sciences, member of the bar... Oh, sure, I've heard of you, dude. Yo, Tom. Thomas. So how's the time capsule going? What's in the can, Tommy? How goes the framing of the Constitution? Dude, is that, like, THE Constitution? What are you guys doing in here? How can you let Hancock suffer like that? Could you start a fire, please? Has anyone ever told you you're a very snappy dresser? Dude, I loved your work on the Declaration of Independence. Well, later, dude. Later, bra. Thomas. My name is Thomas. And this, my chubby friend, is a time capsule... ...as if you didn't know... ...filled with remembrances of our time to be revealed four hundred years hence. Very well, now that you've provided that fine recent vintage wine. I plan to bury it this evening. I'm sorry to say that except for my log, we haven't got a thing. No one has brought me anything. I'm having some difficulty generating the proper spirit. We're writing the constitution for the United States. That's it over there? Right now it's just A constitution, I'm afraid. We hit a slight creative block right after the preamble. That's why we've put up a suggestion box over there. It is. Now that our esteemed leader has sparked us with his brilliant vacuum suggestion, we're really rolling! Not so well. We can't decide whether we should allow a free press or impose a tax. An argument has broken out over whether we should separate church and state or legalize bingo parlors. We can't even decide what font to use. We're not sure if we should guarantee the right to bear arms, or if it will generate too many atrocious puns. We don't know whether to call it the `Bill of Rights` or `Appendix A.` I sure hope someone gives us a useful suggestion soon. Great! George's suggestion about the vacuum cleaners really got the old creative juices flowing! In fact, we've just given ocelots the right to vote! We've just finished up amendment 425, which prohibits spelunking on alternate Thursdays. Even as we speak, Hancock's polishing up his `Single Syllable Undergarment` amendment. In a few minutes, Washington's going to present his proposal to split the government into eight branches: Executive, judicial, legislative, bronchial, atypical, Freudian, elliptical, and extra-crispy. By tomorrow we'll have finished all 9800 amendments! I hope they've got a good editor. I'd love to oblige you, young man, but I can't. This is the only log, and I'm saving it for posterity. A real man is warmed by the fires of his spirit! You should listen to Washington relate his experiences at Valley Forge, and take heed! What? What's going to happen later? Why, yes. I studied at Virginia Coat and Technical, where I majored in collar theory. I was captain of the varsity cravat team. Those are impressive credentials, Tom. Thomas. Ah, thank you. What was your favorite part? I liked the part about Prudence. I like those S's that look like F's. I liked the `We the People` part. `Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should--` Yeah, there's just one thing though... Yes? Who's Prudence? Never mind. I see. That's not in the Declaration of-- Say, that's not bad. Maybe we can use it. Yo. Please, let me s-s-suffer in peace. H-h-h-hello. Whassup? You cold? Have you got the hiccups? Are you petrified of public speaking? C-c-c-cold? N-n-no. I'm f-f-f-freezing!!! Still cold, huh? Why don't you build a fire? What are you guys doing in here? Shouldn't you guys be working instead of just sitting there? How come you sign your name so big? Awesome blanket there, dude. Well, I gotta go, dude. Well, I gotta go, dude. What c-clued you in, the sh-sh-shivering, the knocking knees, the d-deathly pallor, or the ch-chattering teeth? Astigmatism. You mean you have, like, a childhood complex? That's where your joints hurt, right? Really? Lemme see your palms! All right, the t-truth is that a f-friend once told me that women go c-c-crazy over guys with a big signature. L-Look, this is h-hard work. We c-can't just write this thing off the t-t-tops of our heads. We've got to TH-THINK about important issues. Which important issue are you thinking about? You look like you're thinking about a wool sweater. Dude, the latest issue of Bikes 'n' Brews is RAD. Oh, well, I'll leave you to it then. Something of V-VITAL importance. Mmmmmm. Hey, T-Tom. Thomas. C-Can we p-put in an amendment where the g-g-government provides everyone with w-wool sweaters? Oh, please. Can't you stop whining and think about something else? Why, if you'd been at Valley Forge with Washington you'd-- All right, already. You s-see what I have to d-deal with? I was th-thinking about something a b-b-bit c-closer to my heart. Writer's b-block. We c-c-can't think of any amendments or anything, so we p-put a suggestion box over there. I d-don't suppose YOU have any b-brilliant ideas? What about free sandwiches for all roadies? No music in elevators. You could guarantee the right to free speech. No, not really. N-No, there's no such th-thing as-- Don't say it, dude, I've heard it before. No m-music in what? Hmmm, f-free speech... ...n-no, that'll n-never work. Well, I'm n-not surprised. Th-th-thank you. It was g-given to me by my d-d-dear old c-color-blind Aunt Hattie. We're writing a c-c-c-- --a c-c-c-c-c-- writing the c-c-c-- We're drafting a constitution for the United States. D-don't say d-d-draft, you'll only make me c-c-colder. Wimp. Why don't you build a fire? Why don't you have some hot coffee? Why don't you put on a coat? Gotta motor, dude. Too bad about the window, dude. Maybe you'd better move to a warmer state. Gotta motor, dude. Well, I k-keep asking J-Jefferson to build a f-fire, but he won't. Says he n-needs the log for p-p-POSTERITY, and won't p-part with it. He's going to give the log to starving children? You mean it's like a symbol of growth or something? Who'd want a poster of a log? I don't g-get any respect around here. Why, I bet if G-George `I spent the winter in Valley Forge` Washington was c-c-cold we'd get some h-heat in here. Oh, I c-c-can't stand c-coffee. It m-m-makes me irritable, and want to b-bang my h-head against walls. You say that as though it was a bad thing. Whoa, I can relate. Have you tried decaffeinated coffee? Well, I gotta go, dude. Do you have any idea h-how much it c-c-costs to fix a w-wall these days? It's a r-r-racket! Well, p-please don't d-do it around here. I'm T-TALKING about decaf. Yes, th-that too. I'm WEARING a c-c-coat, you n-nitwit. I've even g-got this b-blanket, which m-m-makes me itch, and I'm STILL f-f-freezing! You h-have a what? D-d-don't remind me. I've been p-pushing for statehood f-for F-Florida, but all I ever g-get is the speech about V-Valley F-Forge. It looks more like a raincoat than a lab coat. It looks kinda small for me. It's covered with plans and junk. Whatever that is, bring it here. Hey! What is it? What is it this time? You look kinda familiar. Do you know Ben Franklin? What are you doing? What was it you needed for that battery again? I think I'll be moseying along now. Of course I do. I'm Red Edison, the inventor... ...not to mention owner of this inn. Perhaps you've seen my picture in some important scientific journal. Then again, maybe not. I'm working on a new battery with an incredible storage capacity. I'm inventing, you simpleton, what's it look like I'm doing? Well, don't mosey over anything breakable on your way out. Oil, vinegar, and gold. I still need the vinegar and gold. I still need the gold and some oil. I still need oil and vinegar. I still need the oil. I still need the vinegar. I still need the gold. Let me know if you happen across any. Franklin?!? I would never associate with that overstuffed goofball! He has the stupidest idea about glasses with one red lens and one blue one... I know an inventor who looks a bit like you. What are you inventing? Well, see you later. You might if you cut that hair a bit shorter. Well, it's not one of my SONS, that's for sure. It appears that I, Red Edison, foremost genius of my day, am to be the last in a long line of gifted inventors. My nearly indistinguishable sons have decided that they want to be ARTISTS. I think it was Jed's idea, or is it Ned... ...ah, well, the left-handed one, at any rate. Must be some sort of bad blood on their mother's side. It's a complex metal device designed to minimize paper entropy. It's a piece of paper that will stick to things by itself. Rather ingenious if I must say so myself. It's a new size-independent fastening mechanism based on circular geometry. What am I supposed to do with that? What's this? Hmmm... `HELP WANTED:` `...moronic drone...` `...umhmmm...` `...assist genius...` `...yadayadayada.` Well, I'm the only genius around... ...and you look dumb enough. Uh... So pick up your lab coat and get to work! Ah, excellent. I need that for my super-battery. What am I supposed to do with that? Hmm, super-battery, eh? Brilliant design. Sometimes I amaze myself. Now all I need is oil, vinegar, and some gold. Okay, we'll spread out, commando-style... Laverne, you go secure the area behind those double doors. Hoagie, you take care of upstairs reconnaissance. I'll maintain command H.Q. here in the lobby. What are we looking for? We've got to find where Doctor Fred is holding the tentacles. This better not take too long. I've got an anatomy final tomorrow! And I've got a show to set up later tonight. If I'm late, I don't get to test the drums. If I know Doctor Fred... ...he's got the tentacles tied up in his secret lab... Question is... Where's his secret lab? Couch Potato Shopping Channel, Wanda speaking. We're too little! No time for that now. Couch Potato Shopping Channel, Wanda speaking. Uh, I want to buy a diamond. That will be two million dollars. Do you have a major credit card? Umm, I have a numbered Swiss bank account. What's the number, sir? Uh... It's 846-427-35327. Very good, sir. We'll send the diamond by Pronto Post Light-Speed Delivery immediately. Thank you for calling. I'm sorry, the Cred-O-Tron shows that account to be empty. *click* I have an ATM card... When I got it, it seemed so useful. Card? Of course I have a card! Who do you think I am? Some kind of geek? Card number, please. It's...uh... 187654321 Mr. Liszt... ...you're dead, and as such... ...you're a bad credit risk. I'm sorry. It's nothing personal. *click* Just send me a diamond, for heaven's sake! The fate of the world is at stake! Just put it on my account. The number is...uh... 9234-56789 I'm sorry... We no longer extend credit to members of Congress. *click* No, but my personal bank account number is 10293-84756 I'm sorry. Insufficient funds. Do I have enough for the yellow pants suit? No. *click* No. But let me ask you this... How much would you expect to pay for a lint-free, hand-crafted, European-designed butter-sharpener? Gosh, I don't know! How much?!? How much?!? Wouldn't you like to know? Please... I have to know! Suffer. I don't have anyone to call. Even 911 won't handle THIS kind of emergency. I left my little black book at home. I don't have time for idle chit chat now. I have work to do. I don't have time for that now, I'm on a mission. I can't reach it. Now that's service... I'd better get this to Dr. Fred right away! That should do it! Where did you get this diamond, anyway? Ah... ...it was donated by a group of Girl Scouts who were in the neighborhood. How heartwarming. Mmmm... I'm thirsty! I don't think you should drink that... It looks bad for you. Nonsense! It makes me feel GREAT! Smarter! More aggressive! I feel like I could... ...like I could... ...like... ...I... ...could... Ding Dong Look, Hoagie, it's a hamster! Just what I need for dissection lab tomorrow! I think I need that for the band, Laverne... ...you know, like we could bite its head off or whatever. Hands off that hamster! Friend of yours, Bernard? He belongs to Weird Ed Edison! And it looks like he's brought us a note! --------------------------------