MYSTERY USENET THEATRE 3000 PRESENTS... "The Dark Side of Monkey Island" Part 1 BY: Sarah Scott MSTED BY: Chris Ratcliff MSTER NOTES: Not much to say on this one... it's not bad. [Int. SOL. The room is dimly lit by a single light bulb swinging from the ceiling. Mike and the bots are sitting around a table, on which is a game board covered with small plastic figurines. Mike appears to be stressed, while the bots sit back impassively.] Crow: Your three men on Yakutsk are an intolerable affront to my fifty strong Kamchatkan peacekeeping force. Mike: No! You mad fool, forget Kamchatka. It's Tom that's the enemy. All the Americas have fallen to his yellow peril. Tom: Don't listen to him, Crow, the young upstart's blatant warmongering cannot go unpunished. Crow: I'm not interested in the Americas - they're just a sideshow. It's your Yakutskian goat herders that are the real threat. They must be stopped. Now, defend yourself. Mike: You deranged lunatic. Now Tom will sweep all before him. You've killed us all! [Light flashes] Mike: Ah, just in time. Tom: Just because you're losing. [Deep 13] Dr. F: Oh hi, again, Nelson. Enjoying a friendly game of Risk, I see. [SOL] Mike: Well, inbetween all the political intrigue and backstabbing and warmongering, yeah, I guess there is a bit of friendliness. Occasionally. [Deep 13] Dr. F: And rolling the dice for your robotic friends... how altruistic of you. [sneers] [SOL] Mike: Actually, I didn't have to do that. Crow and Tom said they'd save me the trouble and use a dice rolling algorithm. Totally random. [Deep 13] Dr. F: Don't tell me you believed them... [SOL] Mike: Uhh... [looks at the bots, who look back sheepishly] [Deep 13] Dr. F: Honestly Mike, sometimes you just make it too easy. And speaking of which, today's experiment is another Monkey Island fanfic. By Sarah Scott. Called The Dark Side of Monkey Island. [SOL] Mike: It's not one of THOSE fics, is it? [Deep 13] Dr. F: Would I send you something like that? [SOL: Lights, noise, pandemonium] Mike: [bitter] Yes. [6...5...4...3...2...1...] > The dark side of Monkey Island > - by Sarah Scott > Part one > Chapter one: The Stranger Tom: Remember kids, never talk to strangers. > Deep in the Caribbean... LeChuck's Underground Ice Fortress > LeChuck, now mutated into a horrifying ice demon, paced his dim new throne > room. Mike: Waiting for the microwave to finish cooking his popcorn. > Nothing was on his mind except the merciless destruction of his > nemesis, Guybrush Threepwood. Infact, that had been all he could think > about ever since what was left of his skeletal army had defrosted him. Crow: I can see it hasn't spurred him to any action, however. Tom: [LeChuck] I'll destroy Guybrush tomorrow. Friends is on! > Before, he had simply hated Guybrush. Now that he was told that Guybrush > had married Elaine, his only emotion towards him was utter loathing. Mike: [LeChuck] Guybrush, Ewww! > "I swear Threepwood," He vowed. "I will destroy ye, and take back what > rightfully belongs to me!" Tom: [LeChuck] You've had my lawn mower for TOO LONG! > By "What rightfully belongs to me," he meant Elaine, of course. But he was > torn away from his thoughts of revenge by one of his solders, Robbie, > barging into the room. > "Cap'n LeChuck sir!" Robbie said in an important tone. "We have captured a > living boy trying to break into the fortress. Tom: All right. LeChuck's fortress is underground, right? Crow: Yeah. Tom: And it's made of ice? Crow: Yeah. Tom: And a boy somehow breaks in? Mike: Hello Mary Sue! > He claims he's here to see > you." Mike: That settles it. He's *definitely* a Mary Sue. > LeChuck was in no mood to put up with some idiot boy, Tom: So he ordered the guards to kill him. The end. Crow: You watch. They'll end up having a private audience. > but then again, he > was eager to try out more of his newfound ice powers on someone that > wasn't already dead, but there was a problem with someone alive being here. Mike: It was really, really cold. > The only living person that had ever dared to confront LeChuck had been > Guybrush. Crow: So go capture a few and try out your powers! What's the problem? Tom: That's the problem with evil these days: no initiative. > LeChuck thought Mike: This is a very cerebral incarnation of LeChuck. > about Guybrush trying to find him again, to kill > him for good this time, but quickly dismissed the idea when he realized he > had not sent out any signs that he was back. Tom: Such as? Crow: [Guybrush] Hey, Elaine! We just got an invitation to LeChuck's fortieth birthday party! Hey, wait a second... > "Send him in." He ordered finally. Mike: Let the hurting begin... > Robbie motioned for two other guards, Melvin and Larry, to bring the > prisoner in. It was a dark room, but you could easily make out a gleam on > his shiny, jet-black hair, Tom: Guess who's using a cupful of mousse each morning. > and a slight glow from his pale skin. Crow: Shouldn't he be blue from hypothermia by now? Tom: Who, Mary Sue here? Surely you jest. > LeChuck studied the boy a moment, who didn't move a single visible > muscle (whether it was from fear or something else he couldn't tell), Crow: [hopefully] Rigor mortis? > and > muttered, "Leave us" to the guards. He stared at him for a few more > moments, and then it was the boy who broke the silence between the two. Mike: [boy] Have you ever considered the advantages of owning a really up to date set of Encylopedias? > "So you're this 'LeChuck' guy I've heard so much about, huh? I have to say > this is kind of a disappointment, I was expecting a whole lot more than a > pirate popsicle." Crow: [boy] I mean, obviously nobody could be as all-round brilliant as I am, but even so... > LeChuck smiled. Tom: Uh, no way. Crow: And proper characterization flies out the window... > He could tell this boy was brave to have insulted him like > that, either that or very stupid, Mike: I'll take the second answer, thanks. > but that wasn't why he had smiled. Crow: [LeChuck] Tonight's Frasier episode was hilarious! > He sensed strong, healthy, Crow: [lecherously] Young, firm... > evil vibes coming from him. Mike: [Grandpa Simpson] It's evil! Eeeevil!! Tom: "It's the vibe of it!" Crow: Ten bucks to whoever gets that. > "Who are ye?" Crow: [LeChuck] I want to know what name to put on the death certificate. > "I am simply a man that has heard of your evil deeds and has traveled a > long, long way to follow you." The boy replied. Tom: Eww, LeChuck's got groupies! > LeChuck could see the evil in him flicker even brighter for a moment. Tom: Damn fluorescent evil bulbs... > The amount of evil in him alone was enough to earn LeChuck's good side, Mike: Okay, he's evil! We get it! Stop reminding us! > but he wanted to hear more. He was able to see some of the outline of the > boy and it wasn't very impressing. Tom: What about the pale, glowing skin he saw earlier? Crow: Maybe there was a power cut. > From his point of view, if the boy > looked any more helpless and pathetic, he would be three years old. Crow: Okay, so he's strong and healthy, and at the same time helpless and pathetic? I'm getting mixed signals here... > "YOU," LeChuck began. "Servin' ME? HA! Havin' ye around would be an > embarrassment! Ye wouldn' even make a decent skeleton! What could ye > possibly offer me?" > "Information," the boy said simply. "About Guybrush Threepwood." Tom: Oh, he's a fanboy. > That got LeChuck's attention! Mike: Uh, okay... Crow: No need to shout. > "What do ye know about him?" Tom: [boy] Well, he's defeated his arch nemesis three times now... that would be you, wouldn't it? > "I think it's safe to say I know more about Guybrush Threepwood than any > living, dead, or undead, person on the face of the earth." He said > casually. Mike: [boy] Damn, I'm smooth! > This caught LeChuck's interest more than anything had in a long time. Tom: Two sentences, to be precise. > This > strange boy comes sneaking into his fortress, and tells him that he could > give him information on the one person he hated most of all; Information > that could even allow him to finally kill Guybrush Threepwood. Mike: LeChuck jumping to conclusions? That doesn't sound right. > He was > beside himself with evil delight, Crow: [giggling] Evil delight? Tom: LeChuck's having a Dr. Evil moment. Mike: [LeChuck] I'll kill Guybrush, then hold the Caribbean to ransom... for one million dollars! > but his dignity told him not to show it > to a potential ally. > "Come out of the shadows," he ordered. "Show me yer face boy." > The boy shrugged and walked into the light, finally revealing his > entire figure. [All stare at the screen] Mike: Full frontal nudity? Already? Crow: All the better to show off his gleaming physique. Tom: This isn't going to go in a very wrong direction, is it? > It took all of LeChuck's self control to keep his jaw from > dropping off of his face and onto to the floor. Crow: LeChuck likes what he sees! Tom: That's not all LeChuck's dropping to the floor... Mike: Guys! > * * * * * * * * * * * * * Tom: Scene break! > The celebration had been going on for three days now. Crow: But enough about the Sydney Olympics... > Ever since > Guybrush and Elaine Threepwood had returned to Melee Island from their > honeymoon, there had been an enormous party all over the island. Mike: Where they held their honeymoon. Tom: [random Islander] They're gone! Woohoo! Party! > Everybody > was congratulating them on (finally) tying the knot. > But Elaine and Guybrush hadn't been doing much partying themselves. Tom: [Elaine] It's all your fault. Crow: [Guybrush] I was just nervous! No need to go all sulky... > The more important things had to come first Crow: Marital affairs in the Threepwood household. Tom: Is this what they refer to as 'house rules'? > (much to Guybrush's annoyance). Tom: Yeah, I'll bet... Mike: You guys... > Such as the mansion, which hadn't been lived in for about two years, having > to be cleaned up. And their things had to be moved inside of it (though > Guybrush really didn't have anything to move). Mike: So all the assets in Elaine's house still belong to Elaine? This doesn't sound like a very equitable marriage. > Another was helping Wally, who came with them when they got him out > of the Roller Coaster of Death, get his cartography business up and running > again. Luckily the rubber-chicken-with-a-pulley-in-the-middle shop had been > closed down because people finally realized it was useless, so Wally was > able to move into it. Tom: What, just like that? Mike: [random customer] I've been going in there every day of my life, but I've just suddenly realised that store is completely useless! How stupid am I? Crow: And, of course, Elaine sending a few heavies around to 'convince' people that the store was useless was a *completely* unrelated matter. > But now their work was done, Crow: [Guybrush] Our work here is done. > and they could finally enjoy the party. > While Elaine stuck to talking with some of her prestigious friends, Crow: Hey, look, there's Donald Trump! Mike: Rupert Murdoch! Tom: Bill Gates! All here on Melee Island! > Guybrush decided to meet up with some of the people he met on the island > when he was first trying to become a pirate. Such as Carla the Sword > master... > "Hey Carla, you and the storekeeper still going at it?" > "Shut up." > Captain Smirk... Mike: Now there's a character you don't see every day. > "How appropriate, you fight like a cow!" Tom: He throws methane bombs at people. > "Beat it!" > The men of low morale fiber Crow: What, are they on a low-bran diet or something? > (pirates), who were now stranded on the > roof of the house at the dock... > "Hey, have you guys got that circus up and running yet?" > "Get bent Shneephood." > Meathook... Mike: Is this a clip show or something? > "Hey Cannonball Head, how's it going?" > "Bite me!" Crow: Hey! He's stealing my shtick! That's *my* line! > Otis... Tom: [Otis] What? > "Hey Otis, how's your Aunt Tillie?" > "Get lost!" > The storekeeper... > "Hi, I..." > "Get away from here you thievin' little hoodlum!" > And after dodging a low blow to the groin by the angry old man, Mike: I'm not old! I'm thirty-seven! > he > decided to visit the pirate leaders. He found them in their usual spot in > the local bar (which was presently being renamed). Crow: To...? Mike: Obviously it's too important to be shared with us. > "Hi guys! I guess you remember me, the mighty pirate who defeated > the ghost, zombie, and demon pirate LeChuck." Guybrush said smugly. Mike: [Guybrush] Grovel before me, lowly worms. Tom: I don't get it. Is she going for us hating Guybrush or something? > The pirate leaders looked at each other for a moment before Crow: Bursting out laughing. > the one > on the left responded. Tom: Uh, wait, that's... the one with the really big beard... I think. > "Oh we remember ye all right," He said. "But there's one part of yer > story that we know is a lie." Mike: [Guybrush] You mean the bit with the exploding lemurs? Yeah, guess that did sound a bit far fetched... > All Guybrush could do was stare at them in a confused silence. What > could he possibly be lying about? Seeing the expression on Guybrush's face, > the pirate in the middle clued him in. > "You're not technically a pirate boy." Mike: I've got no idea what a "pirate boy" is, but I'm glad Guybrush isn't one. > "WHAT?!" Guybrush shouted. "How could I not be a pirate? I did the > three trials, I destroyed LeChuck three times, Tom: Although he came back each time. Crow: Someone show the boy a dictionary. > I went on loads of > adventures, and I even found the so-called 'treasure' of Big Whoop! You > guys must be out of your drunken minds!" > "Ye never drank grog with us." The one on the right said simply. > At this point, Guybrush was totally lost. "Huh?" Mike: [Guybrush] Oh, wait, I should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque. > The middle one looked slightly exasperated over this. Crow: [middle one] A clutch of ostrich eggs, a photo of Monica Lewinsky and the Sears Tower?!? What kind of frigged up college scavenger hunt is this?? > "We said you > were supposed to master the sword, thievery, and, um, treasure huntery. > Then you were supposed to drink grog with us." Tom: [middle one] Then while you were unconscious on the floor we could frisk your pockets... wait, that was the bit I was supposed to just think, not say. Darn. > "Well, if that's all I have to do, lets get it over with." Guybrush > said in a casual tone. But in reality, he wasn't looking forward to this at > all. The fact that the grog served here had the power to eat through a cast > iron lock on a jail cell in about three seconds was enough to keep him away > from it. Mike: Someone's taking a gag puzzle just a little too seriously. > And since he was probably the only pirate left who actually had > taste buds, Crow: I'm guessing Elaine doesn't count. > he wasn't looking forward to the flavor either. > "All right, our mugs are startin' to melt again so we'll have to > make this quick." The pirate on the left said as he pulled a mug of grog off > an unseen section of his body Tom: Feel free to guess which. > and handed it to Guybrush. The three pirates > shouted "GROG!" in unison and drank deeply from their mugs. Mike: [pirate] $%#$%#$$# AAAAARRGHHH!! [retches, splutters] BLEAGHPTUI! [pause] DAMN, that's good. > Seeing his > chance, Guybrush poured the seething contents of his mug into a large > crack in the floor. > "Boy," Guybrush said, trying to sound as convincing as possible. > "That really hit the spot! Well, I'll just be going now...;" > "Hang on a second," the middle pirate said Crow: Does he have a name? Do ANY OF THEM? [pause] Crow: Guess not. > as Guybrush got up. > "You'll be needing your license. Mike: [Guybrush] A licence? Cool! Now I can get into nightclubs! > Every official pirate has one. Crow: You know, the idea of "official" pirates is pretty goofy. Tom: Well, when your ship's been overrun by a pirate crew it's nice to know they have official accreditation. > We've had > this a while and were planning on throwing it away if you didn't show up > again soon. Just write your age in and get it renewed every year. Mike: Pirate bureaucracy... gotta love it. > But just > keep in mind we're normally not nearly as considerate. Tom: [pirate] We just think you're cute. Mike: Tom... > So don't go > expecting us to be nice to you all the time fancy-pants!" Crow: That's the way, unnamed pirate! Lay the smack down! > He handed Guybrush a card that simply said "Pirating License. Name: > Guybrush Threepwood. Age: (blank)." Mike: Not even Guybrush knows his age anymore... > Guybrush looked up again and saw that > the pirate leaders looked a bit uncomfortable with doing something nice for > another pirate, so he figured that this would be a good time to leave, he > quickly thanked the pirates and hurried out of the bar. Crow: Unfortunately, he was still stuck in this run-on sentence. > About ten minutes > later, Guybrush was absent-mindedly wandering around the crowd. Tom: While his fingers absent-mindedly wandered through various pockets. > He never > thought it was possible for this to happen, but he was bored out of his > mind in the middle of the biggest party he had ever been to. He was so > caught up in his boredom he ran dead on into another person, knocking > himself and the stranger onto the ground. Tom: Stranger? Is it... Crow: Cue the evil Mary Sue! Mike: Well, we don't know for sure it's him. Crow: You watch, Mike. > "Sorry, I..." He began to apologize awkwardly, but the other pirate > cut him off talking in a strangely familiar voice. Mike: It's Urkel! > "No, it was my fault. Sorry." Tom: Oh, you're too kind. > Guybrush finally recognized the voice, it sounded just his own! He > looked up only to see an exact mirror image of himself looking up at him > with an equally shocked expression. Crow: Wait a second, they're both looking up at each other? How is that possible? Tom: They've slipped into the Mystery Vortex. > Everything from the skinny build, to > the large, blue eyes, to the blonde hair tied up into a ponytail was the > same without any visible difference. Tom: As would be implied by the word 'same'. Mike: This message brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department. > Without thinking, Guybrush did the > first thing he would do in any startling situation, Mike: Which is...? > and so did the > identical stranger... > "AAAAAHHHHHHH!" > "AAAAAHHHHHHH!" Mike: Impersonate Macauley Culkin, apparently. > They stared at each other for about five more seconds, and screamed > a few more times. Then, Crow: They stared at each other for *ten* seconds, and screamed a few more times! Then... > again without thinking, Tom: I think we can take that as a given with Guybrush. > both of them turned and > ran off in the opposite direction at breakneck speed. After running about > sixty yards Guybrush Mike: Was 0.2 seconds under world record pace. > stopped to catch his breath and think about what had > just happened.... that man back there was me! > Normally, Guybrush would have just thought it was his overactive > imagination acting up again, but how often did his imagination project a > solid, talking, form that looked exactly like him? Tom: Only when he did peyote. > Just then, something grabbed his shoulder, causing him to jump. Crow: Thanks to the 'jump' button embedded in his shoulder. > "Whoa! Take it easy! It's just me!" Elaine said, slightly startled by his Mike: Frank N Furter costume. > reaction. > "Sorry." > "What just happened to you? Everyone heard you yelling, and then you went > pelting through the crowd." > At that point Guybrush became aware of how many stares he had attracted. Mike: Hey, everyone, look at the psycho. > But as soon as he looked up everyone turned their heads to avoid making eye > contact. Crow: Don't look! Don't- Tom: Oh God, he's coming this way. > Then he looked back to Elaine, who continued to stare at him with > a puzzled expression on her face. Guybrush thought about telling her > for a moment, but if he did she would think he had lost it. > "You would believe me if I told you." > "Try me." Elaine said in a tone that clearly said she wasn't going > to leave him alone until she knew exactly what happened. Mike: Her "stern mother" tone. > Guybrush sighed in defeat. "All right, but not here." He was > becoming all too aware of people beginning to stare at them again. Crow: Gee, the crowds are really rude around here. > When he > led her over to the empty alley between the church and the general store, > Elaine continued her interrogation. Tom: Where were you on the night of the 5th? > "Now what was it that caused you to run through the streets screaming like > a baby?" She said with a hint of amusement in her voice. > "I wasn't yelling while I was running!" He said indignantly. "I > screamed fifteen seconds, tops, and then I ran." > Elaine just waved this information aside impatiently. "Whatever. Now > what was it you saw that freaked you out?" Mike: [Guybrush] A photo of that Marilyn Manson guy. > Guybrush paused for a moment trying to take as long as possible. Tom: To do what? Crow: Ummm... pause, I guess. > Now > that he looked back at exactly what happened, it all seemed kind of silly. > But Elaine just kept giving him Mike: Socks for Christmas. > a piercing look until he gave up. > "I saw myself." Crow: [Guybrush] I'm in 3D! I look stupid! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!? > He realized that must have come out the wrong way when he heard > Elaine stifle a laugh. > "Oh come on, Guybrush!" she exclaimed, still struggling to control her Tom: Alcoholism. > laughter. "I know some people wouldn't exactly consider your looks > perfect, but your not that ugly!" > This slightly got on Guybrush's nerves. "I don't mean I saw myself > in a mirror or something, I mean I saw a living, breathing, person that > looked exactly like me... what a minute... Mike: I don't remember them staring at each other for a minute. Crow: [Guybrush] Man, I'm hot! > YOU THINK I'M UGLY?!" > At this point, Elaine couldn't contain herself any longer and burst Crow: Into tears. > out laughing. Half shocked and half insulted, Guybrush stared at her > with his best hurt look. Elaine cleared her throat Crow: [makes lots of loud hacking noises] Tom: [Elaine] Maybe I need to see a doctor. > and held back, or at > least tried to hold back, Mike: The hounds. Tom: [deep voice] Release the hounds. > her laugher. > "I didn't say that! I said some people might not think your looks are > perfect!" > "Bullsh..." > Before Guybrush could finish Crow: Well, actually he sort of just trailed off. > Elaine pulled him closer and kissed him. > "Now," Elaine said softly. "Would I have done that if I thought you weren't > hot?" Both of them paused for a moment, and then laughed. Mike: HA HA HA HA! Ha ha... [sees the bots looking at him] ...I guess you had to be there. > Elaine looked up at the now pitch black sky. Tom: [Elaine] Say, what happened to the stars? > "It's getting late, we > can talk more about this 'Second You' tomorrow. Why don't we go home and > have a party of our own?" She said, Crow: Bow wow, chick chicka... > giving him another kiss and walking out > of the alley towards the mansion. > Guybrush stood still for a moment, still staring at the place where > Elaine had just been. Mike: [Guybrush] Duh... brain slow... > Then he made a fast, triumphant, motion in the air > with his fists. "All RIGHT!" Tom: [Guybrush] I'm going to spend the night with Elaine! Who I'm married to! Wait, that's perfectly normal. > Then paused momentarily and stared out into > the audience. Crow: Who, us? But we're not there. > "What? Like there's never been an innuendo in the series?!" [pause] Mike: I guess she's got us there. Tom: Darn! And I had a really good rant lined up too. > * * * * * * * * * * * * * Tom: Scene break! > Guybrush walked outside in front of the mansion. Crow: Elaine had locked him out again. > He was in a better mood > than he had had in a weeks. After last night, there would be nothing in > this world that could snap him out of his state of bliss... except for one > thing nagging him from the back of his mind. Who was that person I ran > away from in the streets? His mind snapped to one immediate decision. Mike: Buy Yahoo! > We're twins! > We can't be related, all the family I ever knew about is dead. And besides > that, I was an only child. He thought, trying to solve the mystery of this > "twin." But his mind could only come to that one explanation, and no matter > how ridicules he told himself the idea was, it made sense. Crow: No matter how ridiculous it was, it made sense? Tom: I'm starting to worry about Guybrush's mental state. > The man had to > have been my twin. A silent argument between his logical side and his > imagination was going on inside his brain. > His logical side told him, you couldn't be twins! You would have > known about something as major as this! Mike: This is Guybrush's logical side? Tom: I'd hate to see him being irrational. > But his imagination kept telling him; well maybe you were separated > at birth! That's always a possibility! Crow: Anyone else think Sarah's got 'logic' and 'imagination' completely mixed up? > The silent battle raged on Mike: Well, simmered, at least. > like that for another five minutes until > a man in a uniform that was carrying a package, Tom: The uniform was carrying a package?! Crow: Maybe it's the Invisible Man. > walking up the path to the > mansion, distracted him. He stopped short when he saw the poodles, which > had just been tied back up, glaring at him hungrily. > "'Ay! You Guybrush Threepwood?" He called. > "Yeah." > "I gotta package for ya here that'cha need to sign for." > Guybrush walked past the dogs to the delivery guy and signed the note on > the little clipboard he had with him. Mike: Guybrush carrying a clipboard around? Odd. Crow: He's preparing for his new position as Parking Inspector. > The delivery guy looked surprised > by the fact that Tom: South Park was back for another season. Mike: Is that show still on? > the piranha poodles hadn't attacked Guybrush. "Elaine has > to tell them you're all right." He explained. > As the delivery guy left, Guybrush examined the small package. It was no > bigger than a hatbox and somebody had clumsily written FRAGILE on top of > it, like they had held the pencil in their mouth. He shifted it around > in his hands for a moment, and then heard something that he could have > sworn sounded like a giggle. Guybrush grinned evilly, Crow: Hey! Does that mean... Guybrush is the boy from the first scene! He's teamed up with LeChuck! Mike: Be serious. Crow: I am! What if he wants to get rid of Elaine, and he arranges with LeChuck to fake his death while LeChuck kidnaps Elaine and Guybrush steals all the money! Mike: You know, that would be an original plot twist. Tom: I guess we won't see it here then. > and started to shake Tom: Earthquake season on Melee Island. > it. HARD. After three solid minutes of shaking, Crow: [nonchalantly whistles] > the giggling was replaced > by a soft moan. Crow: [even more nonchalant whistling] Mike: You know you're wrong, Crow. > Guybrush opened the box to see that his suspicions were correct. Tom: [Guybrush] The UN *is* run by the Illuminati! > "Hi Murray." > Moan... "How did you know it was me?" > "Why else would a hatbox giggle?" Mike: To get to the other side? How the hell are we supposed to know? > Guybrush said with a small smirk on his > face. "So I suppose you're going to have your 'revenge' on me now?" > Murray moaned again. Tom: Somebody get this guy to a doctor. > "Maybe later, just give me a little while to recover. > Sometimes I think you can be even more evil than me." Mike: Spot the subtle foreshadowing. > "Ok, but while you're at it, you might want to get revenge on the dogs to." > "Why?" > Guybrush flashed another evil grin. Crow: Soon, his stock of evil grins would be running low. > "Because you're gonna be really > mad at them when they're done playing with you!" > With that, Guybrush tossed the disembodied skull over to the poodles, which > started pawing and kicking him around like a soccer ball. For a split > second he felt tiny pang of guilt shot throw him Mike: Ouch. Tom: Now that has to hurt. > as he listened to Murray > scream in rage. Or was that a scream of pain? Tom: Or even... ecstasy? > Maybe he shouldn't pick on > him like that anymore. After all, he had gone through all the trouble of > mailing himself back here all the way from Monkey Island just to get his > long awaited revenge for Guybrush blowing up his dingy. Crow: [Guybrush] Aww, he went to so much trouble trying to kill me! I guess I could sustain a small injury, at the least. > But then again, he had never seen the poodles look so happy. They always > looked like they had spent their lives attack intruders and never got a > chance to play. Mike: That make any sense to you? Bots: Nope. Mike: Good. Thought I'd just gone crazy. > Before he could do anything else, a pair of hands grabbed > him from behind Crow: It's Thing! And, uh, Brother Thing. > and dragged him behind the mansion, Tom: While Guybrush did nothing, apparently. > then spun him around > so he could face his attacker. Crow: And do something other than just get lugged around like a sack of wheat! > "Hi Guybrush." He said casually. It was the identical stranger, > grinning like an idiot. Tom: Hey! She didn't tell us what kind of grin it was! I'm completely in the dark now! > Guybrush nearly dropped a load right there. All: EEWWW! > He couldn't explain it, but > besides the fact that this guy was a total stranger and looked exactly > like him, he had a strange feeling of unease around this guy. Mike: This is *besides* the fact that he's a total stranger and looks exactly like Guybrush, remember. So what could be causing it? Tom: We'd have to be talking *intense* bodily odour. > "Who are > you?!" He asked in bewilderment. > The stranger laughed. "I'm surprised you haven't figured it out by > now Guybrush! I'm your brother!" Crow: You didn't answer his question, idiot. > Guybrush still didn't want to accept that fact so easily. "That's > impossible, I'm an only child!" Mike: Never mind the vague remarks about a sister, or LeChuck claiming to be his brother at the end of MI2, or even the fact that he was abandoned by his parents so they could have had another fifteen children... Tom: Then again, if this guy showed up and claimed he was your brother, what would you say? Mike: Good point. > "I thought I was too," The man said excitedly. "But look at us! We're > exactly the same, and we have the same name! How could we not be related?" > "Well... " Guybrush began, but the last part repeated in his head. Crow: There's so much space in there he gets an echo effect. > "Wait a > minute, what do you mean 'we have the same name'? And how did you know > mine?" > "Considering the fact that everyone was calling me 'Guybrush,' or just > plain 'Threepwood'..." Then the stranger's grin widened. "Oh yeah, allow me > to introduce myself," He said, holding out his hand. Mike: [boy] Talk to the hand. > "My name is Coren > Threepwood." Tom: And I'll be your guide to hell. > Chapter Two coming soon... [1...2...3...4...5...6...] -------------------------------------------------------------------- Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and [c] 199X by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. or anyone else is intended or should be inferred. This post is for amusement only and should not be seen as a personal attack on Sarah Scott. I suppose I should fess up... the first part of the opening segment was actually lifted from another source. Any alert reader tells me what that source is, wins a prize. Maybe. TO BE CONTINUED...