MYSTERY USENET THEATRE 3000 PRESENTS... "The Dark Side of Monkey Island" Part 1 BY: Sarah Scott MSTED BY: Chris Ratcliff MSTER NOTES: A shorter chapter this time. LeChuck seems to have been relegated to secondary duties while the boy takes control... [Int. SOL. Crow and Tom are seated behind a desk] Mike: [O.S.] I'm not sure this is such a good idea, guys... Tom: Shut up Mike, you didn't come up with anything. Okay... roll! [Flashing lights, jaunty theme music] Crow: Good evening, everybody. Welcome to another episode of- Bots: WE CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT! Crow: Our subject for tonight is the Monkey Island fanfic "The Dark Side of Monkey Island." Tom, what problems have you seen so far? Tom: Too many, Crow, too many. Let's take them one by one. Crow: Right. Tom: Guybrush's brother. Well, it's not very original, is it? Guybrush must live in the world's largest family judging by all the fanfics reuniting him with a "long-lost" brother or sister. We need some variety. Crow: How about making him a second cousin? Tom: Good enough. Then there's LeChuck. He's back - no explanation - and he's hardly a distinctive, fearsome presence, is he? Just a bland ice demon. Crow: You're saying we need to spice him up a bit? Tom: That's right. Here's my idea - LeChuck is actually a cyborg, created by Herman from a scrap of LeChuck's DNA he found on Dinky Island! [ominous pause] And then there's the problem of this boy. Crow: He doesn't even have a name yet! Tom: Worse than that. He's already subordinated LeChuck to his will and we're not even into Part 2 yet. He's smooth and arrogant and unbearable. We've got to cut him back to size somehow. Crow: If he had a physical deformity of some kind, perhaps. How about a club foot? Tom: Too poignant. Crow: What about syphilis? Tom: Now there's a funny disease! And historically accurate, too. Crow: So, let's recap. Guybrush's second cousin, currently in the advanced stages of syphilitic decay, teams up with LeChuck, a half-human cyborg engineered by Herman from LeChuck's undead flesh, to finally kill Guybrush once and for all! Tom: Now you tell me that doesn't have 'blockbuster' written all over it! Crow: Well, we're right out of time here. Be sure to tune in next week for- Bots: WE CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT! [Flashing lights, jaunty theme music, credits roll (all of them featuring the name 'Tom' or 'Crow')] [6...5...4...3...2...1...] Mike: I'm not saying a thing. > The dark side of Monkey Island > - by Sarah Scott > > Part one > Chapter two: Coren's Dark Secret Tom: [Coren, sobbing] I like Bette Midler films! > "This is unbelievable." Guybrush murmured. Crow: [Guybrush] Twice the taste and only half the calories! > All his life he had had a > twin brother and he never even knew about it. He had always thought > that he was the only one in his family left, no parents, no aunts or > uncles, no cousins, no grandparents, and certainly no siblings. Mike: [Guybrush] And no inheritances! Good thing Elaine came along... > His > mind was spinning under this new intake of information. > There wasn't just that though. Tom: He also had a census form to fill out. > Part of him was overjoyed to find out > that he actually had a living relative... but there was still a strange > feeling floating around Coren. A feeling that kept telling him not > to trust him. Mike: It told Coren not to trust himself? Crow: Whatever it is, it's obviously not working. > There was something unusual about Coren, but Guybrush > couldn't quite put his finger on it. > Coren mumbled something unintelligible under his breath... or said it > out loud. Tom: What? > Guybrush couldn't tell. Mike: He was deaf. > A memory he never knew he ever had > was quickly coming into focus; Bots: [make eerie flashback music] > a panicked situation. People were > running everywhere, screaming at the top of their lungs as a large > group of men, armed with torches and cutlasses, slashed and burned > their way through the crowd. Mike: Man, the IRS don't mess around, do they? > He remembered being tossed around the > in the horrified crowd next to another boy of about three, Coren, Tom: Is Coren actually Guybrush's brother in this flashback? He just seems like some random kid. > and being forced toward one of the men that was torturing a group of > elderly women. Crow: [man] What? Oh, don't mind me, fleeing screaming citizens. I'm just torturing a group of eldery women. Dum de dum... > The man paused briefly to look in their direction, > and both of them froze in horror as a sadistic smile spread across > his scarred face. Mike: [man] Boy, it's a great day to be evil. > "Ar mates! We be needin' some target practice once we leave port, > and I be thinkin' I found some targets!" He shouted to the other men > as he pointed to him and Coren and laughed evilly. Tom: He shouted this to the men *while* laughing evilly? That's... impressive. > Before they could realize what was happening, a pair of unusually > hairy arms grabbed them, and held them in midair by the collars of > their shirts. Both of them kicked and clawed at the air to try to > get free, but the hairy man just laughed maniacally at their futile > attempts. That is, until Coren kicked him with a well-aimed shot in > the pills. Crow: [man] My valium! My benzedrine! How am I going to get through the day now? > The hairy man's eyes crossed and rolled back into his head as he let > out a loud groan Tom: Loud groan? Mike: I'm trying not to imagine that. > and dropped them to the ground. Both of them bolted > through the crowd without looking behind them... and in Guybrush's case > without looking in front of them either. Crow: So where was he looking? Straight up? > He tripped over an unseen > object in front of him and he skidded painfully across the > cobblestone headfirst. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see > another one the masked men grab Coren, hit him outside the head Tom: This is getting nuttier. "Outside" the head? > with > the side of his pistol, and shove him into a potato sack. The last > thing he could remember was his head colliding with the toe of > someone's boot, and everything going black. > "Guybrush... Guybrush... GUYBRUSH!" Mike: Elaine at Echo Canyon. > Coren shouting his name and snapping his fingers in his ear, looking > genuinely concerned, snapped Guybrush back into reality. Crow: [Guybrush] Ah, I'm back in reality. Oh look, there's my identical twin brother I never knew about before who looks perfectly like me. Hello ground... [splat] > "Are you ok? You spaced-out on me for a few minutes." Tom: That's a long time to leave someone standing there unresponsive to the world. Mike: Coren was checking his pockets for loose change. > Guybrush looked up at him with a whole new wave of shock. Crow: And thus the eighties hairstyle was born. > Now Coren > was staring at him with a serious expression on his face. Tom: But inside he was laughing like a loon. > "You > remembered it too, didn't you?" He said solemnly. Guybrush nodded, > but before he could say anything else, shots rang out from the other > side of the mansion, and two musket balls missed the top of his hair > by inches. Mike: And instead hit him right in the forehead. > "HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" Elaine yelled as she jumped out from the > bushes with two large pistols aimed at his head. "Put your hands in > the air and turn around slowly... Oh, Guybrush, it's only you." Crow: Elaine doesn't recognize Guybrush from behind? Mike: That's what it looks like. Crow: That's stupid. Mike: I know. > She > said with a hint of relief in her voice as Guybrush turned around. > "Yeah, do you think you could stop aiming your guns at my face? Tom: [Guybrush] Aim them at that guy. > You're making me kind of nervous." Guybrush said. Elaine was still > clutching his weapons in attack-mode. Mike: With Coren around, shouldn't she be seeing double? Crow: Maybe she's had a few too many to drink. > "Sorry," she said, tucking the guns back into her belt loops. "I > heard screaming and I thought you might be having another panic > attack." Her voice was trying to conceal a laugh, but was failing at > it. Tom: [Elaine, singsong] Guybrush's a baby! Crow: [Guybrush] Am not! > Guybrush finally let himself smile again; momentarily forgetting > that his long lost twin brother was behind him. "You just love to > pick on me don't you?" > Elaine nodded, still trying her best not to laugh. "Anyway," she > said, trying to get back on topic, "what was that screaming I > heard?" Tom: [Coren] That's right, just ignore me. I'm only your husband's long lost twin brother and all. > Guybrush grinned. "Oh that's just Murray. The dogs are... er... playing > with him." > Elaine let out an exasperated sigh and rolled her eyes. "Now he's > coming back over and over? I'm telling you, we need to get some > restraining orders... " She trailed of and stared over Guybrush's > shoulder. She had finally noticed Coren. Mike: 'Finally' is right. Crow: It certainly wasn't Elaine's keen eye that got her into politics. > "Elaine," Guybrush began awkwardly, "this is my brother Coren. > Coren, This is my wife Elaine." Tom: [Guybrush] Look, but don't touch. > There was a long pause. Then Elaine did something Guybrush never > thought he would see her do; Mike: Invade Poland. > She passed out. Crow: Oh, but don't worry, she's got that stamp on her hand. She'll be back. > "This is your wife? Way to go!" > "Hmmmmm... I guess she was a little surprised. You should probably > scram before she wakes up, you know, just to give her some time to > get used to the idea." Mike: [Guybrush] She might take a while, so make it a few days. Or maybe a few weeks. In fact, if you could never come back here again, that'd be a big help. > Guybrush said, trying to get Elaine back on > her feet. Crow: [Guybrush] Oof! Man, she's really larded up.. oh, Elaine, you're awake after all... > "Yeah, I was about to suggest that myself. I'll be back in a few > hours." Coren said. With that, both brothers said goodbye and Coren > made his way back towards town. > > * * * * * * * * * * * * * > Tom: Scene break! > As Coren passed through the archway into town, a cold, evil smile > spread across his face. Crow: We cannot stress enough that Coren is evil. > "Step one completed." He said to himself as > he ducked into the alley in between the church and the general > store. After making sure nobody was watching, he Crow: Put on his "special" underwear. > closed his eyes and > said an incantation under his breath. While he said it, he brought > his hands to the top of his head, Tom: What's he doing? Mike: Checking his bald spot. > and lowered them in front of his > face until they were level with his chest. > The changes were slow at first, but they grew faster every second as > his skin began to lose its color, Crow: He's turning into Michael Jackson! All: AAHHH!! > and his hair became blacker than > death. Tom: "Blacker than death"! Wow! What a metaphor! I've gotta write that one down! > To finish everything off, when he opened his eyes they were > no longer sky blue, but an unnaturally bright shade of green, which > let off the same odd glow as his pale skin. Mike: He's got green skin? Crow: Maybe it's Kermit the Frog. > This was not Coren > Threepwood. He was still Guybrush's brother all right, but he was > Alaster. Mike: aka Mr. Self-Love 2000. > The boy who had sought out LeChuck and offered him help in > defeating Guybrush. Tom: That reminds me, how did Alaster know LeChuck was back? Crow: Don't you know? Alaster knows everything. Tom: Oh yeah... > [Author's Note: Surprised? Didn't think so.] Mike: At least she's honest. > Alaster walked through the door in the back of the alley that said > Employees Only, and was greeted by LeChuck's skeleton, Billy, in a > uniform. > "Going down sir?" He said in a very high-pitched voice. Crow: Ummm... Tom: No. > LeChuck must've accidentally snagged this one before puberty. > Alaster smirked amusedly at the thought. Mike: [Alaster] Hee hee hee... castration is funny! > "That's the only other > direction isn't it?" He told the operator with a tiny hint of > sarcasm. Actually, it did a lot more than just go down. Crow: If you paid two hundred bucks you could- Mike: No, Crow. > Ever since > LeChuck had become a ghost, he had had a voodoo spell on the > elevator to transport him between Melee and Monkey Island. The > elevator led to a newly rearranged group of dimly lit tunnels. The > first time Alaster had been here he had had trouble with them, Tom: Gasp! The god-boy admits a failing! > but > by now he had memorized the constantly changing tunnel's patterns. Crow: Guess it was too good to last. Mike: If they're constantly changing, how is he supposed to have memorized them? Tom: I don't know. > (It was also a lot easier without skeletons fighting him with every > other step.) After a short walk through the twisting hallway, he > found LeChuck at the ending of the Roller Coaster of Death, barking > orders at a new group of skeleton pirates. Crow: [LeChuck] Remember, I want that deathtrap finished before that idiot boy shows up... oh, it's you, Alaster. > "An' don't just go runnin' inside in broad daylight when everyone > can see ye! Mike: Are you kidding? This is Melee Island. Nobody gets up before 6pm. > Wait 'til their defenses'll be down. Get 'er when she's > sleepin' or somethin', Tom: Or whatever. I don't really give a damn. > and DO IT WHEN GUYBRUSH ISN'T AROUND! If he > gets in the way before we're ready he'll ruin everythin'!" Crow: For once, I agree with LeChuck. > "Hey, Frosty the Snowman! Back here!" Alaster called from behind > LeChuck loudly. Mike: [Alaster] *Damn*, I'm smooth! > Furiously, LeChuck turned around to face whoever had insulted him. Tom: And hack their limbs off. > But when he saw that it was Alaster, he looked slightly disappointed > that he couldn't turn him into a human icicle. Crow: [LeChuck] Damn, it's the author's pet! I can't kill him. > "Dar... 'tis only you. I > told ye not to come back 'til... " Mike: The test results came back. > "Already done." Alaster cut in. "Everything should be in order by > tonight." Tom: The AOL/Time Warner executives plan another takeover. > "It'd better be. If even one thing goes wrong, you'll end up worse > than Largo." LeChuck growled at him. Tom: [LeChuck] You'll have to wear green trousers... and an *orange* shirt! Crow: [Alaster] Nooo! > When Guybrush had escaped LeChuck's old Fortress, LeChuck had vented > all of his anger at the time towards Largo, Mike: So that's why he was all mellow and calm at the end of MI2. Right. > and he had a lot of it > to vent. Not only had he lost his Screaming Chair, but Guybrush had > also reduced half of the Fortress to rubble. To make up for the > loss, Crow: LeChuck decided to move into the olive industry. > before he went after Guybrush in the tunnels between Monkey > and Dinky Island, he threw Largo into the voodoo acid. LeChuck did > have to admit Largo's many screams of pain were a small consolation; > he still used his bones to decorate his thrown Tom: His thrown what? Keys? Food? Baseball? > just as a warning to > the skeletons on what would happen if they slipped up. > Alaster could see right through LeChuck's fierce expression and > empty threat. Crow: To the vulnerable, tender heart within... Mike: Of course, Alaster's got more brains than LeChuck's entire crew of skeleton guards put together. > It all came with his powers. Tom: His 'annoying git' powers. > LeChuck was, in reality, > relieved to have a right-hand man that was evil, Mike: [snort] Oh yeah, LeChuck's just drowning in good samaritans. > intelligent, and > fully competent for a change. Tom: And absolutely no egomania. Crow: [Alaster] It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am. > They were rare qualities to come > across these days. So few people were willing to become full-fledged > megalomaniacs. Mike: Uh, those are two completely unrelated sentences. > "Tonight, after making sure that Elaine will be alone in the > mansion, Guybrush and I will Tom: [Alaster] Declare our undying love. > take a little walk," An evil grin > spread across his face. Mike: This guy can't do anything without it being evil! Crow: He probably even has evil bowel movements. Tom: Er... yeah. > "Leaving you and your... um, men," he said > glancing uncertainly at the skeletons, "free to do what you wish > with the governor... " He trailed off. "... And leaving me free to do what > I want to Guybrush." > "Only stun him, I want him in good shape for when I kill him. It's > been a while since I've had a good game of Cat and Mouse." LeChuck > snarled. Tom: Deep in the heart of LeChuck there's a big Twister playing softie just begging to get out. > "When the time comes for him to die I'll be the one to kill > him." > Alaster noticed a stern tone in LeChuck's voice. Mike: Observant of him. > Killing Guybrush > seemed more important to him than he suspected, but he was extremely > let down by it. Crow: Who? LeChuck? Alaster? > "Can't I just beat him up some? Just a little bit?" Despite his best > efforts, there was a hint of a whine in his voice. Mike: Witness the Inner Guybrush creeping out... Tom: [whiny] Mommy, I wanna cupcake! > LeChuck glared. > "Can I at least stun him? I've got a taser in my quarters." Mike: Of course. Never mind the taser hasn't been invented yet. Crow: He's also got a few guided missiles hidden in the closet. > LeChuck continued to glare at him. Tom: Yeah, LeChuck, glare at him! That'll put him in his place. > But he knew that he wasn't going > to budge until he was allowed to do some damage. Mike: And LeChuck bows before the will of the uberkid. Crow: This is the wimpiest incarnation of LeChuck we've ever seen. > "All right... beat him > up and then stun him. But leave somethin' behind so he'll know where > to look. It's more fun to deal with him when he wanders right inta > our hands. Tom: [LeChuck] Thus giving him time to mount a ridiculous but improbably successful rescue attempt. > Alaster silently agreed with him, but he had something else on his > mind. "I've got a better idea. Just attach a tracking device on him > so you can ambush him every time he comes close." Mike: [exasperated] Tracking devices, tasers... this kid's a friggin James Bond! > LeChuck gave him a puzzled look. "How would that get him closer to > us?! He'd try ta get as far away as possible!" > Moron. Crow: Hey, look, Sarah forgot Alaster's name! Mike: This new one is oddly appropriate, though. > "Because that will make him think that he's onto something. > He may not show it that much, but Guybrush is smarter than you Tom: [Alaster] Like me. > originally imagined. He catches onto things quickly. Think about it, > won't you. He may run away first, but after another minute or so he > would think "Hey, they wouldn't just jump out of nowhere and attack > me for no reason. They must be guarding something important," Mike: Or maybe LeChuck just wants to see him dead. > and he > would keep following the trail. Tom: You know, Alaster's been telling us from page one that he's the smartest thing since Thomas Edison, but this is a pretty dismal plan. > Alaster waited a moment for all of this information to sink into > LeChuck's tiny brain, Crow: Today, most paleontologists agree the prehistoric LeChuck had a brain the size of a walnut. > and then decided to let his sarcasm loose. Tom: Oh, great. Mike: As if he isn't annoying enough already... > "Do > you want me to repeat it more slowly for you?" Crow: [Alaster] Remind me again, why did I hire you? > About three seconds later, he had to dodge a blast of ice thrown by > LeChuck. Mike: Unfortunately, he was unsuccessful. The end. > "Next time I won't miss." He growled. Tom: Has LeChuck actually done anything yet? Crow: So far, he's just stood there and taken insults. > Alaster kept his > mouth shut; he knew he was serious this time. After another moment > of thinking, (Alaster smiled as he imagined a grimace on LeChuck's > face during the time) Tom: Wouldn't he just see it? Crow: Alaster's so cool, he's transcended the need for petty senses like 'sight' and 'sound'. > LeChuck finally answered, "Do whatever ye > want. Just Mike: [LeChuck] Stay out of my face. > don't kill him! Save that for me." > "Fine." Alaster just wanted to end the conversation and get on with > his plans. As he turned around and left the room, he heard LeChuck Tom: Sigh in relief. Crow: [LeChuck] Thank god he's gone! I was about to pass out from the smell... > mutter something under his breath but only heard the phrase "... Damned > kid... " come out clearly. Mike: What is this, a Scooby Doo episode? > Alaster loudly retorted by calling him a word that's not allowed to > be put into print, then quickly running away before LeChuck could > take aim. [1...2...3...4...5...6...] -------------------------------------------------------------------- Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and [c] 199X by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. or anyone else is intended or should be inferred. This post is for amusement only and should not be seen as a personal attack on Sarah Scott. To continue the thrust of the previous disclaimer, veteran MST readers will easily recognise a lifted riff from Spider's excellent MSTing of "The Dark Blade Saga". TO BE CONTINUED...