MYSTERY USENET THEATRE 3000 PRESENTS... "The Doom of Monkey Island" BY: Captain Spaz. MSTED BY: Chris Ratcliff MSTER NOTES: Well, my second MSTing. I think I'm getting better. [Int. SOL. The usual gang are all here, except Mike's wearing an extremely large set of earmuffs] Crow: "How's your sister? The *really* good looking one?" Tom: "He should have let me go to the bathroom when I asked!" Crow: "Your mother wears combat slippers!" Tom: "He's terrible and insensitive and about to hit me again." Crow: "Foul smelling, yes... Grog swilling, maybe... but a pirate? Don't make me laugh." Tom: "*Weeks* on a boat full of monkeys." Crow: "Like play a little racquetball." Tom: "I stole a bunch of stuff and caused two huge explosions." [Light flashes] Mike: Thank goodness. [He hits the button and takes the earmuffs off.] [Deep 13] Dr. F: Hello again, Mike. You know, you look a bit under the weather. [SOL. Crow and Tom continue talking in the background] Mike: Well, since Crow and Tom mysteriously lost their memory last time, they've been playing the Monkey Island games constantly. I got Gypsy to delete the games but they'd already memorised all the dialogue. They've been quoting at each other for six hours now. I don't even recognise any of the lines... WILL YOU GUYS SHUT UP!?! [Deep 13] Dr. F: That is so sad, Nelson. I hope you'll forgive me if I can't work up the emotion to cry. Anyway, this all rather neatly ties in with today's experiment. In fact, you might even say I'll be doing you a favor. [SOL] Mike: Why am I suddenly very suspicious? [Deep 13] Dr. F: Oh, no catch. Just a Monkey Island fanfic so bad it'll make those two wish they'd never heard of the games. And you too, I guess. Have fun. [SOL: Lights, noise, pandemonium] Mike: WE'VE GOT STORY SIGN! Crow: Huh? Tom: You say something, Mike? Mike: Just get in the theatre, guys. Crow: Oh, that. [1...2...3...4...5...6...] >The doom of Monkey Island > Crow: Hey, Monkey Island! We'll be able to use our recently rediscovered fanboy knowledge! Tom: This'll be a snap. >- by Captain Spaz > Tom: Uh... "Captain Spaz"? Crow: This is going to be painful. Mike: You guys changed your tune quick. > >Part 1: LeChuck's unfortunate return > >"Hey Lemonhead what you doing up here?" Rabbithead asked. > Tom: Up where? Crow: And... we're right into the action! >"Errrrr nothing" He replied. > Mike: Leave God out of this! >"Oh ok then see you at the sacrifice!" Rabbithead said. > Mike: Hang on, wait a second. Who's Rabbithead? Tom: Maybe he's one of the Cannibals from Monkey Island I. You know, the one with the grey mask. Crow: Really? I always thought it looked like... a grey mask. With teeth. Tom: Could be the killer rabbit from _Monty Python and- Mike: Okay, maybe I don't want to know. >"The sacrifice is today?!" Lemonhead asked. > Tom: What sacrifice? I think we're missing some backstory here. Crow: Good. >"Sure at one thirty" Rabbithead told Lemonhead. > Mike: Wow. Only eight lines in and I'm already on the edge of my seat. Crow: I think Captain Spaz needs to check his comma supply. >"Ok I'm just going to continue to watch this view haven't seen it since >last time we were here!" Lemonhead told Rabbithead. > >"Oh bye the way I here Herman's back on the Island!" Rabbithead said. Tom: And once again, it's time to play 'Spot the Homophone'! > >"What!, I thought he wanted to be rescued!!!" Lemonhead asked. > Crow: He did, but then he saw the first few lines of this fanfic. >"He did but when our friend Guybrush took him back to Melee Island he >found out that he was the only one civilised, so he decided to come back >here but on the way he got lost and landed on our neighbouring Island >Dinky Island, Then he swam over here!" Rabbithead exclaimed. > Tom: [Rabbithead] *puff* *wheeze* *pant* Mike: Rabbithead must commentate at greyhound races. >"Very tiny explanation!" Lemonhead said. > >"Well see you later!" Lemonhead said. > Tom: There's TWO Lemonheads? >Rabbithead climbed down the footholds on the cliff and headed back to the >village. After LeChuck was trapped in ice the Carnival was closed down and >seeing as their village on Blood Island was too dangerous they diced to >move back! > Tom: They WHAT? Crow: How the hell do you "dice to move back"? Tom: Maybe it's meant to be "decided". Mike: [The Dice Man] Anybody can be anybody. >Lemonhead Walked to the right to look at that view. Suddenly the part of >the cliff he was standing on gave way and he started to fall! Down he >plunged into the trees and he one! Tom: Uhhh... Crow: Setting new standards in incomprehensibility... > The tree bend down with him on it and >then the tree flung him back up. > >"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Crow: "--shall not be moved!" Tom: "--will, we will rock you!" > Lemonhead shouted > Mike: Looks like the comma shortage has spread to the periods. >As he landed on the cliff he skidded all the way to the edge he would have >fallen off but a rock on the edge stopped him. The rock fell down and >landed on some kind of seesaw with a big rock on it the big rock went >straight up and landed on it again! Mike: It's a Monkey Island / Roadrunner crossover! > Then the rock from the cliff was >heralded in to the air! Crow: [singing] GLOOORIA, IN EXCELSIUS DEOOOOOOOOOO... Tom: Maybe it's meant to be "hurled". > The rock sailed over to the Mega Monkey Mountain >went thorough the roof. It went into the snowy scene and landed in >LeChuck's ice prison! It smashed it into a thousand pieces! > Tom: And it also used an exclamation point! >"Arrrrrrrr!" LeChuck shouted "It's good to be out of that thing!". > Mike: [LeChuck] Now, if I could just get out of this fanfic... >"Now were was I..." LeChuck said. > >On Plunder Island... > Crow: On Plunder Island, apparently. >"So tell me again how you defeated LeChuck?" Wally asked again. > Mike: Oh boy. Another fanfic author using Guybrush as a surrogate for fantasies of power and adoration. Tom: I'd like to make a prediction. Mike: Shoot. Tom: Sometime during the course of this fanfic, Guybrush is gonna have to rescue Elaine. Any takers? Crow: Nuh-uh. >"Well there I was being chased by LeChuck on the Roller Coaster of Death >and I knew I had to stop him. So I found some Oil, Rope and a Barrel of >Rum..." Guybrush said. > >"A Barrel of Rum?" Wally interrupted. > Tom: [Guybrush] It's in the script, Wally. Just accept it. >"Hey I had experiences with it before it's very explosive!" Guybrush >answered "So I set it up in the Snowman scene after the scene LeChuck tied >you up in.". > Mike: So that's where Spaz is hiding his periods! He's putting them at the end of sentences that already have them. >"There was a model of a yeti and I put the Barrel of rum in his arm, Then >hanged the rope from it which I covered with oil, When LeChuck turned up I >made him sneeze flames at the rope with pepper! Then I jumped on to a >passing car." Mike: Herbie: The Love Bug. Tom: It's not a bug, it's a VIRUS! > Guybrush continued "I could here explosions behind me the >ice in scene fell on top of LeChuck tapping him forever!". > >"COOL!" Wally said Tom: Nice irony, Wally. Mike: I don't think it was intentional. > "Hey but you didn't really destroy him did you?". > >"Well no..." Guybrush answered. > >"Maybe we should go back and destroy him!" Wally shouted. > Tom: The part of Wally will be played by Charles Bronson. >"Sorry Wally my adventure days are over!" Guybrush said. > >"What!?" Wally asked "Your not even 21!". > Mike: [Guybrush] What about my Not even 21? Tom: Enough with the grammar flames, Mike - we'll be here all day otherwise. >"Well Wally things have changed since I married Elaine." Mike: [Guybrush] No more late night carousing, pillaging neighbouring settlements, binge drinking till dawn... [thoughtful pause] Actually things haven't changed much at all, come to think of it. > Guybrush answered >"So are you still trying to be a pirate?". > Crow: [winces] Ooh, low blow. Tom: It's always nice to have a sympathetic friend. >"Well no I've gone back to being a cartographer." Wally answered. > Crow: Map nerd! >"Guybrush I'm back!" Elaine shouted from the front door. > Crow: What's with all the shouting? Mike: Maybe everyone's just gotten back from a Sepultura concert. >She entered the living room were Guybrush and Wally were talking. > Crow: [Elaine] HI WALLY! Mike: [Wally] HI ELAINE! Tom: [Guybrush] HI ELAINE! Crow: [Elaine] HI GUYBRUSH! Mike: [Wally] HI GUYBRUSH! Tom: [Guybrush] HI WALLY! Mike: Phew. I think I damaged my vocal cords. >"Hello Wally I haven't seen you since you told us about the voodoo curse >on my ring." Elaine said to Wally. > Tom: A bad omen? Not at all! >"I got our shopping from the market oh and by the way Guybrush the Voodoo >Lady wanted to see you about something" Elaine told Guybrush. Mike: [Guybrush] Elaine, have you been drinking? > >"Ok, Wally do you want to come?" Guybrush asked. > Crow: [Wally] You bet! Mike: Crow... Crow: What? That was clean! Mike: Yeah, sure. >"Sure Mr Brush" Wally answered. > All: [cries of "No!" "Spare us!" "The humanity!"] Mike: It was cute once, but now it's just annoying. >"Please, Call me Guybrush." Guybrush told him. > >"Sure thing Mr ehhh... Crow: [Kryten] Smeeee... heeeeee.... > Guybrush" Wally answered. > >"That's better let's go" Guybrush said. > >The two of them went out of the living room and went out of the mansion. > Crow: Whoah! Tom: Amazing! I never saw it coming! >"Bye honey!" Guybrush shouted. > >"Bye!" Elaine shouted back. > >Off they went to Plunder Island's swamp. When they got there they entered >the ship. Guybrush pulled the alligator's tong, Tom: The alligator's what? Mike: Do you realise, despite all the errors, we haven't seen a single misspelled word yet? Tom: I know, Mike. It's scary. > which summoned the Voodoo >lady. > >"Welcome Guybrush Threepwood I have been expecting you!" the Voodoo Lady >said. > Mike: Sounds like someone's been going a bit heavy on the gumbo. >"So what do you want?" Guybrush asked. > >"I have felt something awful happen a disturbance in the force." The >Voodoo Lady said. Mike: [George Lucas] As if a million fanfic authors had infringed on my copyright... and were suddenly silenced. Tom: If only! > >"Oh no it's not LeChuck is it?!" Guybrush asked. > Tom: You're in a Monkey Island fanfic. Of course it's LeChuck. >"I'm afraid it is!" The Voodoo Lady Mike: ...did what? > "Some event back on Monkey Island has >happened that has freed him and I have also foreseen that he is planning >something terrible with Big Whoop!". > Tom: Too bad she couldn't foresee that run-on sentence. Mike: What was that about grammar flames, Tom? >"What should I do?" Guybrush asked. > Mike: Find Captain Spaz, and *make him stop!* >"You must go to Monkey Island and stop him or something terrible will >happen that will affect the entire world!" The Voodoo lady told him. > >"Oh give me a break!?" Guybrush asked. > Mike: Have a break. Have a Kit-Kat. >"Guybrush I also see you killing you or him killing you!" The Voodoo Lady >said Mike: Uhh, WHAT? Tom: [boggling] So, either LeChuck kills Guybrush or Guybrush kills himself? Crow: I might like this story after all. > "You must be very careful!". > >"Ok off I go come on Wally" Guybrush said. > Crow: Ewww! Mike: Crow... Crow: Okay, *you* try parsing that! Mike: Uhhh... pass. >They headed back to the mansion they both told Elaine and they went off >to prepare their long voyage on the sea. They went into town were they saw Tom: Wow, five 'theys' in two lines. That's gotta be some kind of record! >a new shop. It was called "Stan's Previously Owned Mike: "--Monkey Island Plot Points" > Cannons". > >"Come on Wally let's go and have a look" Guybrush said. > >"Ok" Wally answered. > Mike: A completely useless, if characteristic, exchange. >In they went. > All: Dur-HEY! Crow: Gee, ya think? >"Hello Guybrush Threepwood so nice to see you now will you bye something?" Mike: Bit of a Freudian slip from Stan, there. Crow: [Stan] Great to see you, Guybrush. Now SCRAM! >Stan asked who was at the counter. > Tom: Why would he ask that? >"Ermm..." Guybrush started. > Crow: [makes sound of outboard motor revving] >"And who's this?" Stan asked. > >"Wally B Feed" Wally told Stan. > Mike: [Wally, little kid voice] I can say my full name!! >"Well any way I've got just the cannon for you!" Stan said. > >Stan ran into the back and emerged with and old rusty cannon. > Crow: [sniggers] Mike: Ahem... >"Here have a look at it!" Stan said. > [Crow sniggers louder, then, seeing Mike, tries to hold it back] >"Wow!" Wally said "Let me have a go!". > [Now Crow sounds like he's choking] Mike: Okay, little golden bot, you're on report. Yellow card. Crow: [now under control] Party pooper. >"NO!" Guybrush and Stan shouted. > Tom: Having finally seen the name of the author. >But it was too late BOOOOOM! The cannon picked up Wally and Guybrush and >flew out of the shop Tom: Oh, so it's not storks after all. It's cannons. > making a big crash! It flew right into the air Mike: Better than flying into the ground, I guess. > with >Wally and Guybrush holding on tightly. > Crow: Well, I guess we were all waiting for it to happen... Mike: Crow, unless you want to see Monkey Island slash, I suggest you shut up. >Part 2: Back on Monkey Island > >"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" Guybrush was >screaming > Crow: Forty-nine R's. He must be terrified! >"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" Wally was screaming. > Mike: All of a sudden I feel like a toilet break. >2 hours had passed and finally they could see Monkey Island. > >"Look!" Wally screamed. > Tom: Kinda redundant, seeing how they ALREADY ARE! >At that moment the cannon started to fall towards Monkey Island. > >"Brace for impact!" Guybrush shouted. > [Everyone titters] Tom: Spaz: King of Dialogue. >They could see Monkey Island clearly now and they could see the pond that >had once been dry but Guybrush had go it filled up again. Wally was the >first to land were he landed in the pond. Guybrush landed next to it >crating a Guybrush shaped hole. Mike: Not only is it a homophone, it's a Tom Swifty! Well done Spaz! Tom: Don't encourage him, Mike. > Dazed Guybrush sat up when the cannon >landed on top of him! Tom: [hopefully] Crushing his frail body into a pulpy red mash? Mike: Sorry, Tom. I think Cartoon laws of physics are in effect here. > Wally got out of the pond and shook himself. He >walked over to Guybrush who was under the cannon. > Tom: In several very thin pieces... >"Are you alright Mr Brush?" Wally Asked. > Tom: Basil Brush is in this? Crow: Boom Boom! >"It's Guybrush!" A voice said. > >"What?" Wally asked. > >"It's Guybrush!" The voice said. > Mike: I get the feeling these two speakers are on completely different continents. >What did you say?" Wally asked again. > >"IT'S GUYBRUSH!" Guybrush shouted. > >The noise level caused the cannon to shatter. Tom: The Polystyrene Cannon never really caught on. > Guybrush got of the hole. > >"I told you to call me Guybrush!" Guybrush said. > >"Oh sorry Mr Brush" Wally Answered. > Tom: [Wally, muttered] Git. Crow: [Guybrush, muttered] Loser. >"It's... Oh never mind." Guybrush said. > >"Hey" A voice from the back said. > Mike: Wow, talking backs. Now I've seen everything. >They turned round and Stan was standing there. > Crow: Why? How? Who cares! On with the show! >"You're going to have to pay for that!" Stan told them. > >"Errm sorry but I'm fresh out of pieces of eight go back and ask Elaine oh >and bye the way how did get here with out a cannon?" Guybrush asked. > All: [shudder] Crow: [Stan] Say that again, son. Couldn't understand a word. >"I have a cannons!" Stan answered "Oh and bye the way Crow: It's BY! B-Y! Two letters! How hard can it be to spell "by"?!! > here's a business >card and one for you Wally". > Tom: Thanks, Santa! >"Err thanks I think." Guybrush said to Stan. > >Stan walked off. > Mike: [Stan, snotty] Hmmph! >"Let's go to the Carnival and see what's happening" Guybrush said to >Wally. > >"Ok" Wally answered. Tom: I'm starting to think Wally is Guybrush's sidekick. > >Off they went. When they got there they realised it had been reopened. > >They walked in. > Crow: Look, this isn't a play. Stop giving us stage directions! >"Stop!" a voice, shouted. > Mike: I'll never understand modern poetry. >Guybrush turned round and saw a skeleton standing at the entrance. > >"Guybrush?" it said. > >"Who are you?" Guybrush asked. > Tom: I never forget a face. Skulls, they give me real trouble. >"Lemonhead LeChuck turned me into a skeleton warrior the same as everyone >else on this Island apart from Herman Toothrot" Lemonhead said. > >"Herman's on the Island again?!" Guybrush Asked. > Tom: [Guybrush] He owes me five bucks! >"Yep it's a long story I can't let you in here with out paying" Lemonhead >answered. > >"Sorry I don't have any money" Guybrush told him. > Mike: Well, serves you right for forgetting to bring your wallet... whoops, wrong story. Crow: Tsk, tsk, Mike... no plugs. >"Well you will have to go then sorry but orders are orders!" Lemonhead >said as he shoved them out. > Mike: [Guybrush] Well, could you at least validate my parking? Tom: [Lemonhead] No! >"Well that was a letdown" Said Wally. > Crow: Oh, we're used to it by now. >"Come on lets go on find Herman" Guybrush said to Wally. > >They went off in search of the fort on the volcano were Herman was living >last time Guybrush was on Monkey Island with Herman. > > > >Meanwhile... > > > >In LeChuck's Office. Mike: LeChuck IS Gordon Gecko in Wall Street 2! > > > >"You wanted me Captain LeChuck sir?" Said Largo LaGrande the skeleton. > >"Have you finished wiring up Big Whoop yet?" LeChuck asked. > Crow: Big Whoop being the code name for the local telephone network. >"Almost Captain" Largo answered. > >"What do you mean almost!" LeChuck shouted "I want it done before I kidnap >Elaine!" Mike: Hey, keep it down! You're giving away the plot! > >"Yes sir LeChuck sir" Largo replied. > > > >Back with Guybrush... > > > >"Anyone home?" Guybrush shouted. > Mike: I think Guybrush needs some stealth lessons. >There was no answer. > Tom: To the question, "What happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object?" >"Looks like there's no one home I guess we'll go somewhere else" Wally >said. > >Wally started to walk off. > Crow: Hey, Wally's showing some initiative! What's going on here? >"Wait" Guybrush said "Did you here that?". > >Some whimpering could be heard. > Tom: [whimpering] Mike: Hey, whaddaya know? He's right! >"Please don't hurt me!" A voice in the bushes said. > Crow: Okay, this story just took a very dark, disturbing turn. Mike: Crow, get your mind out of the gutter. >"Herman is that you?" Guybrush asked. > >"Guybrush?" The voice asked "Guybrush Threepwood?". > >"Yep that's my name don't ware it out!" Guybrush answered. > Tom: Ware, n. usu. plural. Articles of merchandise or manufacture, or goods. Crow: And the homophone strikes again. Mike: Speaking of which... I think it's time for a break. [1...2...3...4...5...6...] Crow: I can't work it out. No spelling mistakes. Heaps of errors. Typos no normal human could make. What's going on? Tom: Mike, we're stumped here. Any ideas? Mike: Actually, yes. I think what we have here is the first fanfic written - or at least proofread - by computer. Bots: Huh? Mike: Well, what would a normal human do? He writes a bad fanfic with heaps of mistakes, and then either posts it as is- Tom: Dr. Thinker, Oscar, etc... Mike: Or he spellchecks. When it gets to a wrong word, he looks at the suggested list, says "That's what I meant to type," and chooses the *right* word from the list. A computer, on the other hand, has no way of knowing what the *right* word is. When it spellchecks, it just substitutes the first word in the list. This fanfic is as bad as it is because it's been edited by a mindless machine. [The bots look at each other] Tom: You herd him into a corner. I'll get the electric sander. Mike: Wait, I didn't mean you guys personally. Hey, get back... AAAH! [Mike runs off, pursued by the bots. Loud noises, crashes offstage] [6...5...4...3...2...1...] [M&TB reappear. Mike has a bandage wrapped around his head] Tom: We're sorry, Mike. But it had to be done. Mike: I still say the steel mallet counted as excessive force. >Then out of the bushes Herman Toothrot stood. > Crow: [hums "Also Sprach Zarathustra"] >"I thought you were a skeleton I've seen hordes of them patrolling the >Island they've kidnapped the cannibals already!" Herman Toothrot said. > Mike: Yes, why use three sentences when one will do? Run-on sentences! Ask for them by name! >"Well I know we need some money do you have any?" Guybrush asked. > Crow: [Guybrush] Remember a certain five bucks? We have ways of making you talk... >"Yes I'll let you have it if you can get my cannon to work!" Herman said. > Crow: A-HEM! Mike: I think we get the double entendre by now, Crow. Thanks anyway. >"What for" Guybrush asked. > >"So I can defend myself" Herman answered. > Mike: Well, duh. It's not like he's gonna use it as a modern art exhibit or anything. Crow: Actually, Herman *would* do something like that... >"I'll need cannon balls, Gunpowder and rope" Guybrush asked. > >"Got them here Stan sold them to me!" Herman answered. > Tom: Okay, I'll admit I've seen some strange stuff so far... but how the *hell* does Herman have any money? >"Ok" Guybrush said "Wally help me". > >"Righty Oh Mr Brush" Wally answered. > Tom: That name is really starting to get on my nerves... >They set to work Guybrush filled the cannon with gunpowder then put a >cannonball in it. Wally got fuse ready. > >"Right Herman just light the fuse and it'll work" Guybrush told him. > Tom: So basically, "fixing" the cannon meant loading it up. Crow: I'd say Spaz was portraying Herman as a moron, but then nobody else in this story seems much brighter... >"Ok" Herman said "Here take 100 pieces of eight". > >"Bye then" Guybrush said. > >Off they went again back to the carnival. > Mike: Don't you just love the lean, taut, muscular prose? >"Hey Lemonhead" Guybrush said. > >"Hi do you have any money?" Lemonhead the skeleton said. > >"Sure do how much?" Guybrush asked. > >"50 pieces of eight per person" Lemonhead said. > Crow: How friggin' convenient. Mike: Crow- Crow: Bite me. >"Here you go" Guybrush said as he handed over the money. > >"In you go have fun" Lemonhead said. > >In they went and they looked around. Lots of people were running around. > Tom: Godzilla's on the rampage! Crow: THERE'S a crossover I'd pay good money to see! Mike: "I came to Monkey Island to get away from this kind of thing!" >"Come on Wally let's look for LeChuck!" Guybrush said. > >Part 3: Inside the carnival > >Elaine was siting quietly in her living room Crow: [gasp] Mike: What? She's just sitting in her living room. Crow: Not sitting, "siting"! A misspelled word! Uh, isn't it? Tom: Sorry, Crow. It's a verb form of "site". Mike: I guess Spaz is trying to tell us Elaine is doing some town planning. Crow: [growls] Somewhere, sometime, Spaz is gonna slip up, and I'm gonna catch him... > when there was a knock at the >door. One of the servants went to answer it. > >"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" he screamed as he opened the door. > Mike: [servant] No! Jehovah's Witnesses! Tom: Only twenty-five R's. Musn't be as terrified as Guybrush was earlier. >There was a whoosh and smoke came into the living room. > >"What the?" Elaine asked. > Mike: Hey, mind the language! Oh, she did. >She went into the hallway only to be greeted by a skeleton wearing >servant's clothes. > Crow: Looks like Elaine forgot to pay Philbert again. >"Uh oh" She said. > >"Uh oh indeed!" said a voice from behind. > >She spun round only to be greeted by LeChuck's evil flaming face! Tom: So I was right. Elaine kidnapped. Couldn't see that one coming... [pause] Tom: You're not saying anything. Mike: We don't care, Tom. > > > >Back at the carnival... > > > >"He look Mr Wood the Roller Coaster of Death!" Wally said to Guybrush. > Crow: The part of Wally will now be played by Tarzan. Tom: "Me Tarzan. He look Mr Wood." >"Oh year!" Guybrush said. > All: Oh year?!? Mike: You could spend an academic lifetime trying to puzzle this dialogue out. >"Hey!" a voice shouted "Foolish mortal I told you I would return now I >will now devour you for leaving me here!". > >"Murray?" Wally asked. > >"Murray?" Guybrush asked. > Tom: [Wally] Hey, stop stealing my lines! >"Do you here me I will now devour you!" Murray shouted "Bwa ha ha ha ha >haa!". > >"Uh hu" Guybrush answered. > Crow: It's the latest fad - speaking in palindromes. >"Errrrm could you pick me up so I can bite you?" Murray asked. > >"No!" Guybrush answered. > >"Oh just thought I'd ask" Murray answered. > Tom: How polite. >"So no ones picked you yet?" Guybrush asked. > >"No everyone keeps picking the anchors!" Murray answered. > >"Were can we find LeChuck?" Guybrush asked. > Crow: And how does he like his coffee? >"I'll tell you I've you promise to take me with you" Murray said. > >"Ok I'll just pick you..." Guybrush started. > >"HEY!" A voice shouted "You to win that". > Crow: These carnies are unusually generous. >"Dingy Dog?" Guybrush asked. > Tom: Shouldn't that be "Dinghy"? Mike: Being in this fanfic has gotten everyone down. >"Yes?" Dingy Dog asked. > >"Oh now I remember this is guess your wait and age booth!" Guybrush said > Mike: You have to guess how long you'll be waiting in the queue. >"Bet you can't guess my age!". > >"I say your about 20 years old" Dingy Dog replied. > Mike: And it's almost a word-for-word scene from Curse of Monkey Island. Crow: I guess it'd be too much to ask of Spaz to come up with an *original* way to introduce Murray. >"Errr well Tom: Orwell! George Orwell! Mike: Cute, Tom. > hmmm No I'm not I'm 32 years old" Guybrush told him. > >"Do you have any proof?" Dingy Dog asked. > Tom: Dingy Dog: Carny or Bouncer? >"Here on this card" Guybrush said. > >"Stan of Stan's Previously Owned Cannons aged 32" Dingy Dog read. > Tom: How is this going to work? Dinghy Dog and Guybrush have already met! Mike: No, that was Little Guybrush. Tom: Wouldn't they look similar anyway? >"Ok then what prize would you like?" Dingy Dog asked. > Mike: "Let's see... I'll take the 47-piece dining set, the Kernwood indoor heated spa, and the weekend getaway for two on the French Riviera." >"That talking skull please" Guybrush answered. > >"Ok it's all yours!" Dingy Dog said. > >Guybrush picked Murray up. > Crow: "Say, baby, what's your sign?" >"Thanks now I'll direct you his office which is inside the Monkey Head" >Murray told Guybrush. > >"Come on Wally follow me" Guybrush told Wally. > Tom: Wally's still there? I'd completely forgotten about him. >They walked down to the Mega Monkey Mountain Roller Coaster Ride. As they >got to the entrance they headed off into another direction and walked up >to the Monkey Head. > Mike: *THRILL* as Guybrush and co *WALK* to the Monkey Head! >"Right let's get in" Murray said. > Mike: *GASP* at the inane, obvious dialogue! >They climbed down the throat which the end of the roller coaster where the >riders would be boiled in a pit of molten hot larva! > Tom: You know, sometimes you can make a typo which goes virtually unnoticed... Mike: This is not one of those times. >"I wish I knew how to stop this ride?" Guybrush said, "When I defeat >LeChuck I'll sure destroy this ride". > Crow: So Guybrush doesn't like the ride. Tom: Looks like Guybrush doesn't like the ride. Mike: Did someone say Guybrush doesn't like the ride? >"Guybrush I think we should be going now!" Murray told Guybrush. > >"Yes your right, which way?" Guybrush asked. > >"Errm left I think" Murray replied. > >"You THINK!?" Guybrush asked. > Mike: Yes, Guybrush. People think. It's what separates us from the animals. >"Well I don't know really but I do know it's somewhere in this vast >catacombs!" Murray said. > >"Oh great I'll guess we'll just have to search the whole place!" Guybrush >said to Murray and Wally. > >"Hey wait Mr Wood" Wally said. > Tom: I'm really hoping Wally gets killed soon. >"What?" Guybrush asked. > >"Well Mr Brush Tom: [attempts to gnaw own head off] > when LeChuck captured me and put me in the diorama of his >dungeons I heard him give direction for were his new office would be!" >Wally told Guybrush. > >"Great which way then!?" Guybrush asked. > >"I can't remember" Wally answered. > Tom: So Spaz goes to all the trouble of coming up with that plot point and then just discards it? Crow: Too bad he didn't discard the rest of the story. >"Oh shoot if only I kept that head!" Guybrush said. > >"Hey can I offer you in the dried up head T47 it's complete with two eyes, >a mouth, learn-able phases, digital interface and fax modem!" said Stan. > Tom: [twitching] He's just stringing random words together now! Mike: Tom, he's been doing it since page 1. Tom: Oh yeah. >Stan what's Stan doing here? I don't remember putting him in the... oh here >he is my mistake carry on! > Crow: Er... thanks. Tom: Wait... he got this far into the fanfic before noticing a mistake?! Mike, I'm scared... Mike: I see Spaz is a graduate of the "Mistakes? Who cares!" school of writing. Crow: Notice how he made a mistake just commenting on his other mistake... >They turned round. > Tom: [singing] And I do my little turn on the catwalk... >"Stan?" Guybrush asked. > Crow: [Guybrush] What's the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? >"Yes I here you want it well take it free of charge" Stan told Guybrush. > Tom: [Stan] I sound like a dyslexic four-year-old so I might as well be out of character too. >"Free!?" Guybrush asked "That's not like you Stan?". > >"Well ever since that cannon blew up it attracted everyone's attention now >I'm sold out and I'm RICH and I owe it all to you!" Stan explained. > Mike: So one of Stan's shoddy cannons explodes and - instead of avoiding his shop like the plague - the local residents immediately buy up all his stock? Makes *perfect sense*! >"Cool" Guybrush said. > >"Now I got to get back to work see ya" Stan said as he walked off. > Crow: But I thought he was rich and didn't have any stock and wasn't working any more... [starts sobbing] Mike: [hugs Crow] Shh, it's okay. >"Well I guess he found a business that he can live with!" Guybrush told >Murray and Wally. > Mike: "Stan's Previously Owned Murder Weapons." >"Let's get going which way to LeChuck's office head?" Guybrush asked. > Tom: LeChuck has an office head? Crow: LeChuck's office has a head? >"Right" The head said in a computer type voice. > Tom: Oh, Guybrush was talking to the head Stan gave him. Mike: See, Spaz, this is why commas were invented. >"Ok lets go I wonder if LeChuck will have any spare skeleton bodies for >me?" Murray asked. > >"Err maybe" Guybrush said. > > > >1 hour later... Mike: We're still in this theatre. Crow: Spaz still hasn't learned English. > > > >"Well this is the place look theirs the door and theirs a cave with a sign >saying 1 minuet short cut" Guybrush said Tom: Unfortunately, you have to take it whilst doing a slow stately dance. Crow: What? Tom: Minuet - look it up. Crow: You mean it's not misspelled? AARGH! > "Oh darn we came the long way >round!". > >"Stupid head!" Guybrush says, then he throws it in the larva! > Tom: The vicious side of Guybrush we never see. Crow: At least in good fanfics. >Guybrush opens door and walks in and shouts "right LeChuck what you up >to?" > [All wince] Tom: Guybrush really, *really* needs some stealth lessons. >He sees Elaine tied up in a chair. > Crow: [Guybrush] Why thank you, Elaine. I didn't think you were interested in that kind- Mike: CROW! >"Elaine?" He asks. > >"Guybrush look OUT!" She shouts. > >He has just enough time to see LeChuck's flame come right at him. > Crow: Those message boards can get pretty heated at times. >"Arrrrrrrrrrr" Guybrush screams. > >Guybrush quickly dives into a hole in the wall with a sign saying Big >Whoop! > > > >The End All: HUH?! > >A Charlie Kelly Production 1999 Mike: That's... it? Crow: You wanted more? Come on, let's get going. [They get up to leave] > > > >No really this is the end of Guybrush! [They stop, and return warily to their seats] Tom: Sure, pal. Mike: Spaz keeps saying this is the end... but suddenly I don't trust him. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Tom: Spoiler space? Crow: It's the equivalent of those four or five blank pages at the end of a book. I hope. >Well I guess you fans are wondering what short of a Fan I am If I kill >Guybrush! Mike: Someone who cares about the mental health of his readers? Tom: "Short of a fan"? It's Wally! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Tom: More spoiler space! Lots of it! Mike: It's wasted on this story. >Ok lets continue [Everyone wails and moans] Mike: Can't you quit while you're ahead, Spaz? Crow: If he had he wouldn't have got to the first line. as I was saying Guybrush had just fallen down a hole >marked Big Whoop... > Mike: While the story had fallen down a bigger hole marked "bad fanfic". >Part 4: Trapped in Big Whoop > Tom: We know the feeling! >"Hey were am I?" Guybrush said weakly as he got himself up. > Mike: He got himself up. Crow: You ain't never gonna keep him down. >He looked around and saw a vast black desert land with a black sky except >for a small light in the sky. > Tom: It's Mir, still going strong! >"Your in the Entrance to your HELL!" said an evil voice from behind. > >Guybrush spun round but there was nothing there. > Mike: So I guess Hell *isn't* other people. >"Huh?" > >"Or you can choose to end up as an undead monster made of Fire and >Brimstone and have immortality" Tom: Cool! Crow: Go for it, Guybrush! > the evil voice said from behind Guybrush >again Mike: You mean this ethereal, disembodied voice moved itself so it would be behind Guybrush again? Crow: It's Bashful, the friendly ghoul. "If you go in your hell and not be frightened you may return to the >world of the living!". > Tom: [voice] And take this period, it's on the house. >Guybrush spun around again but nothing was there. > Crow: Aww, Bashful's shy. >"Show yourself!" Guybrush shouted. > Tom: ["Bashful"] Only if you promise to be my friend. >In front of a Guybrush an evil smile formed then two eyes then the evil >demon head! > Mike: Kinda looks like Jack Nicholson. >"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" Guybrush screamed. > >He ran off so fast he didn't look where he was going, he tripped up and >went flying into the entrance to his hell! Mike: Where your coffee is always cold, the photocopier always runs out of paper, and all your coworkers are making at least forty thousand more than you... > > > Tom: Well, there's one thing I like about this story - no scene dividers. Crow: Oh yeah... Tom: So we haven't had to think of any scene divider gags. Mike: I hear ya. >Slowly Guybrush got up and looked around it was pitch darkness all around. > Crow: Since when does Guybrush have 360 degree vision? > >"Were am I now?" He said softly. > >Suddenly some lights went on and he was surrounded by PORCELAIN! > Tom: Ah, he's in a urinal. Crow: If George Michael shows up I am out of here. >"Arrrrrrrrrrrrr" he screamed he ran about but it was no use there was no >were he could hide. He picked a vase up and smashed it and it broke into a >thousand pieces then they reformed into 5 porcelain vases! > Mike: Three porcelain vases, sir. >"Arrrrrrr help ME!" Guybrush screamed. > >"Think Guybrush now Crow: "You've never done it before, but now might be a good time to start." if I'm not frightened I can leave this place!" >Guybrush said to himself. > >He closed his eyes and took deep slow breaths but when he opened his eyes >they were still there. > Tom: Well, I should hope they were! >"Oh no will this nightmare ever end?" Guybrush asked. > Mike: This riff left as an exercise for the readers. >Then a light bulb shone he had an idea. He picked up a porcelain vases >shaking and said "Oh what a nice vases" He rubbed it against his face and >it disappeared! > >"Why did I ever hate porcelain?" Guybrush asked. > Mike: Maybe it was just a throwaway gag that didn't need to be examined in detail? >He now realised how he liked it so much! Suddenly in a poof of smoke all >the porcelain disappeared! > Mike: [Guybrush] Hey, I like porcelain now! Bring it back! >"Great now I... WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Tom: Looks like we're about to see Guybrush WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Crow: Whatever that is. > Guybrush said as he disappeared. > >Part 5: Guybrush kicks butt! Mike: Lesson number five: never get in an ass-kicking contest with a centipede. Bots: Huh? >Bla bla bla bla. > Tom: Hey, this is the best bit so far! >Wooooooooooooooooooosh Guybrush was back in LeChuck's office. > >"That's it I just can't kill ye Threepwood can I?" LeChuck says. > Mike: Not in a fanfic you can't. >"Err no" Guybrush replies. > >"LARGO!" LeChuck shouts. > Crow: [Largo] I'm right here, sir. You don't have to shout. >"Yes sir LeChuck sir?" Largo says. > >"Largo's a skeleton?" Guybrush asks. > >"Now Threepwood before I get ye killed I'll tell ye what I'm planning" >LeChuck said. > Mike: I'll say one thing for Spaz - he might use all the tired cliches, but at least he's very straightforward and honest about it. >"Well go on then" Guybrush said to LeChuck. > >"Well after I escaped my ice prison I decided to take on the world so I >that's why I got Big Whoop wired up with explosives..." LeChuck tells >Guybrush. > >"So will that help?" Guybrush interrupts. > Tom: Look - Guybrush's riffing the story! Mike: When your own characters are pointing out the flaws in the plot you know you're in trouble. >"Hey stop interrupting now as I was saying I got Big Whoop wired up so I >could blow it up..." LeChuck tells Guybrush. > >"So... how's that going to help you?" Guybrush asks. > Crow: [exploding] FOR GOD'S SAKE, GUYBRUSH, SHUT UP AND LET HIM FINISH SO WE CAN END THIS STORY ALREADY! Mike: Are you okay, Crow? Crow: Yeah. Feel a lot better now. >"Hey aren't you going to let me finish I'm not talking just to here myself >talk you now" LeChuck says. > Tom: Uh oh. LeChuck's losing it. >"Your right I've been rude please continue" Guybrush says. > >"Well when Big Whoop blows up it'll make the portal will consume the whole >island and grow to an enormous size which will set free all the evil >spirits and demons free! With my leadership I shall rule the WORLD!" >LeChuck explained. > Crow: Huh? Mike: Explosion. Bad things. LeChuck rule world. Crow: Oh. >"Yipe!" Guybrush managed to say. > >"LeChuck you, you something that begins with B!" Crow: Braindead Beaver? Tom: Bloody Bolshevik? Mike: Big Bald Bastard? > Elaine shouted, "Guybrush >will defeat you!" > Tom: [Elaine] I read ahead. Mike: She's a masochist. >"Ah har no my sweet I shall kill him then you will be cleared for >marriage!" LeChuck answered. > Mike: With all the evil crimes he's committed you wouldn't think LeChuck would be worried about bigamy. >"Largo KILL GUYBRUSH!" LeChuck shouted. > Mike: I see Largo's been fitted with a voice activation unit. Crow: See Largo. See Largo kill Guybrush. Kill, Largo, Kill. >"Yes sir" Largo answered. > >"Errrr I think I left something in the oven see ya!" Guybrush said as he >ran out the door. > Tom: The door was open? Crow: LeChuck captures his arch-enemy, tells him his master plan, but forgets to SHUT THE DOOR?! Mike: Okay, I give up. It can't get any worse... Crow: [warningly] Don't say that, Mike... >"Darrrrrrrr" LeChuck shouted. > Tom: [LeChuck] Maybe I shouldn't have given him an escape route a three-year old could use. >"I'll find him LeChuck sir!" Largo said. > >"No leave him to me!" LeChuck answered. > Mike: And while we wait for LeChuck to find his backside with both hands, let's take a break. [1...2...3...4...5...6...] Magic Voice: And now, our feature presentation: A Monkey Island Fanfic. [Cut to an interior room in the Booty Island mansion. Guybrush (Mike wearing a blond wig) and Wally (Tom wearing an eyepatch) are talking.] Wally: So tell me again Guybrush, how did you become the Governor of all the Caribbean, get your vast personal wealth and win the love of the most beautiful woman in the world? Guybrush: Thats a big long story Wally. It all began many moons ago when I diced to- [A messenger (Crow) rushes in. He looks distraught.] Messenger: Help! Help! Somebody! LeChuck is back and he has kidnapped Elaine! Guybrush: Oh blast! I'll have to go rescue here again! Wally: But how? Guybrush: Their's only one thing todo - talk to all the characters! [Cut to Stan's Previously Owned Cannons store.] Stan: (Crow again) Hi Im stan of stan's Previously Owned Cannons can I interest you in a big cannon!? Guybrush: We cant buy cannons today Stan - Elaine has been kidnapped! Do you know where she might be? Stan: No but if you buy a cannon you can shoot her for running off like that! Guybrush: Dam it Stan we do not have time for your annoying character mannerisms. Tell us where Elaine is or we shoot you out of a cannon! Stan: Want to take it on a test drive eh? Well, since you're an interested buyer... [Stan gets in the cannon] Guybrush: Ok you asked for it! [Guybrush fires the cannon. When the smoke clears there's a hole in the wall and Stan is well out of sight.] Wally: Now what can we do? Guybrush: Hang on... oh heck! We did it wrong! We're supposed to go to the Voodoo Lady first! [Cut to interior of the Voodoo Lady's hut. The Voodoo Lady (Gypsy) sits on her chair, in front of a pit full of bubbling hot larva.] Guybrush: Help us Voodoo Lady, Elaine's has been kidnapped! Voodoo Lady: I am the Voodoo Lady, hello Guybrush, and hello Wally. All is not well? Wally: We need help! Voodoo Lady: Give me a moment to a line myself with the force... I see Elaine is in great peril. Guybrush: We know that were is she? Voodoo Lady: You will have a hard time finding her. Guybrush: We know! Do you now where she is? Voodoo Lady: LeChuck has hidden her well. Guybrush: Stop beating about the bush with this useless info Voodoo Lady or we will do some nasty damage! Voodoo Lady: Oh and bye the way, I'm seeing a word: mustache! It's important! Guybrush: Stupid Voodoo Lady! [He throws her in the larva!] Guybrush: Who is next on the list Wally? Wally: [checking a piece of paper] It's Murray! Guybrush: That old skull! Where could he be now?! Wally: Then there is Herman. And Lemonhead, and those group of barber pirates, and the Sword Master, and then Kenny, then Otis, then Chariset, then Greta- Guybrush: This is going to take to long! If only we knew what mustache ment... Waita sec! Wally, were do you find your mustache? Wally: Under your nose. Guybrush: That's the answer! Elaine's been under our nose the hole thyme! [Cut to Basement of Booty Island Mansion. Elaine (Gypsy) is tied up in a chair while LeChuck (Crow) gloats.] LeChuck: Ah ha ha ha ha! It is all going to plan. When Guybrush gets hear I shall kill him and then marry you and then rule the world! Elaine: LeChuck you deranged manic-depressive psychosomatic moron! Why don't you marry me now and hire an assassin to kill Guybrush? LeChuck: Umm... dunno. Butt who cares? It is all going to plan, ah ha ha ha ha. Not even Guybrush can save you know, even if he is helped by that small pirate Wally! [Suddenly the roof caves in. A pile of timber knocks LeChuck to the ground and completely covers him. Standing atop it is Wally.] Wally: Who you calling small Fat Stuff? Elaine: Wally! Guybrush: [O.S.] Hey stop steeling my entrance! [The roof caves in at another spot, and Guybrush lands beside Wally.] Elaine: Guybrush! You saved me again! [kisses him] Guybrush: Yowza! I in for some action tonight! Wally: [cries softly] [Fade out.] Magic Voice: And they all lived happily ever after. The end! [6...5...4...3...2...1...] [M&TB enter the theatre] Mike: And they wonder why we're not syndicated. Tom: I didn't know we had that many rooms on the Sol. >Guybrush ran into the catacombs, he didn't have the foggiest were he was >going! > >"Threepwood I'm coming!" LeChuck said from behind. > Mike: [sharply] Not a word, Crow. Not a *word*. >Guybrush kept running, suddenly up ahead the rocky catacombs changed into >a rather colder hallway. > Mike: [British] Oh, *rather*. >"Huh" Guybrush said. > >"Threepwood where are ye?!" LeChuck shouted from the distance. > Tom: [singing] He's shouting the distance / He's going for speed... >Guybrush could see a lift, quickly he went up it and when he got to the >top there was a door in front of him! He opened and was shocked what he >saw. > Crow: [Homer Simpson] They're *DOGS*... and they're *PLAYING POKER*!!! AAAAHH!!! >"Melee Island?!" He said "How did it get here?". > Mike: [Guybrush] I thought I tied it up in the garage! >He ran into the street as he was in a familiar alleyway. When he got into >the street there were 3 people waiting for him! > >"Hello Guybrush remember us?" Ottis asked. > Tom: No. Who's "Ottis"? Crow: Maybe it's an otter. >"Yes do you no anything about a rock and a ship?" Meat hook asked. > Mike: Give me a rock and a ship and a firm place to stand... >"Were going to finish off our little sword fight ok!" Carla the sword >master said. > Mike: And we've got mistakes in each character's name. I knew Spaz had it in him. >"Yes as you didn't really beat her!" Ottis said. Tom: Hmm. Bad spelling, yet oddly consistent. This isn't Dr. Thinker in disguise, is it? > >"Ok but I need a sword!" Guybrush told them. > >"Here I have a sword" Meat Hook said as he gave Guybrush it. > Tom: The sword, presumably. >"Ok lets get this over with!" Guybrush said. > Mike: Yes, *please* let's get this over with! >"I'd rather die than hear your dreadful singing!" Carla said. > >"Err well you fight like a cow!" Guybrush answered. > >"As I thought an amateur!" Carla told her two friends. Crow: There are two friends here as well? Man, this is one crowded swordfight! > >She leapt forward with her sword and Guybrush moved back. > >"Never before have I lost a mealy!" Carla said. > Crow: That's not how it goes... Tom: She's never vomited? Mike: Puts Seinfeld's record to shame. >"Oh you would have but you were always running away!" Guybrush said back. > Mike: If anyone can come up with any relationship at all between these two "quips", drop us a line at the SOL. >"Opps oh no you are good!" Carla said. > Tom: [snickers] Crow: It IS Thinker! >Guybrush leapt forward pushing Carla back. > Tom: Thus demonstrating the immutable laws of mechanics. >"Your breath reminds me of mouldy old cheese!" Guybrush said. > Crow: Mmmm, Brie... >"I am rubber you are glue!" Carla answered. > Mike: [singing] We stick together 'cause opposites attract... >Guybrush again leapt forward this time knocking Carla's sword out of her >hand! > Tom: And into her head. Mike: Getting dark, Tommy? Tom: Yes. >"Ok who's next?" Guybrush announced. > Crow: [Ash] Come get some. >"Arrrrrr" They all screamed and ran off into the streets of Melee Island. > >"Found you Threepwood!" a voice said from behind. > Tom: [Eliot Ness] I got you, Capone... >Guybrush spun round and standing there was LeChuck! > >"Oh no, It's LeChuck!" All: WE KNOW! > Guybrush screamed. > >"Aye now I'll flame ye down to size!" LeChuck told Guybrush. > Mike: Hey! That's our tactic! >LeChuck lifted his arms in the air and instantly filled with flames. > Crow: We warned him not to forward that email spam to all the alt.* groups, but did he listen? >"Errr well... Hey remember they always have to shoot the dog at the end!" >Guybrush told LeChuck. > Mike: The end of what? Crow: Maybe there's some director's cut of _Benji_ we're not aware of. >"Oh (sniff) why did you have to tell me that you know it (sniff) makes me >feel all gooey!" LeChuck cried out. > Tom: I'm glad Guybrush knew that, because we had *no idea*! >LeChuck's eyes filled with tears and started dripping down on to the >pavement. Tom: Eww! Dripping eyes! > A couple hit his flaming beard and there was a puff of smoke! > >When the smoke cleared LeChuck's flaming beard was normal black, his eye's >dimmed from bright yellow to dark black. > Mike: Makes you wonder why someone didn't just throw a water bomb at him earlier. >"Oh now look what you did you put out my fire!" All: [singing] We didn't start the fire... > LeChuck told him "Now wait >here why I jump in the larva!". > Crow: Good question. Why *is* he jumping on grubs? >"Wait!" Guybrush shouted at him "Why don't you just make me into a child >again". > >"Ok" LeChuck answered. > Mike: That's a bit sedate for a evil villain... >LeChuck lifted his arms in the air and they filled with green light and >then he shot it at Guybrush. It hit him and he went flying thorough the >air! > Mike: [Spaz] Take my word for it, it was *exciting*! >"Arrrrrr" He shouted. > Mike: Who said that? Guybrush? Crow: LeChuck? Tom: God? >Part 6: Kiss of the Spider Monkey again > Crow: Please, it was bad enough the first time! >Not long later Guybrush landed in the middle of the Big Whoop Carnival. > Tom: He's still not dead? Must be made of Titanium or something. >"Weeeeeeeeeee!" Guybrush shouted before he hit the ground. > >Bang! Crow: What's that sound? Mike: I hope it's the sound of someone putting this fanfic out of its misery. Tom: Hey, maybe Guybrush actually died this time! > Slowly Guybrush got up. > All: Boooo! >"Geese what is that disgusting smell?" Guybrush asked. > Mike: Geese, maybe? >"You again what are you doing here?!" The Big Rat Man asked. > Tom: Hey, cool name! Mike: Uh, not really Tom. Crow: Come on, Mike. Can't you imagine going into a bar, and a woman at the bar says "So, what's your name?" And you just stand there, look tough, and say, [deep voice] "They call me the Big Rat Man." Huh? Mike: Crow, I think you need to meet more women... >"Oh no what am I doing here?" Guybrush asked "And look I'm a little boy >again!". > Mike: [Guybrush] That's the third time this week! >"Oh and bye the way don't knock out my new targets again!" The Big Rat Man >Answered. > Mike: I don't think Guybrush could knock out a fly. >Guybrush looked to see who the new targets were and gasped when he saw it >was Wally and Murray! > Crow: [Guybrush] Heh heh heh... this is for "Mr. Brush"! And this is for "Mr. Wood!" And this... er, this is just one I've got left over. >"Err I'm sorry how I treated you last time and I'm going to make it up to >you by being your target!" Guybrush told him "As long as you yet the >others go". > >"Well Ok after all that skull kept scaring everyone away!" He answered. > >The Big Rat Man let lose Wally and Murray's ropes. > Crow: [Big Rat Man] Oh, no, I lost the rope again! My boss is gonna STRANGLE me! Tom: Yeah, it was a bit SLACK of him... Mike: Guys... >"Thanks Mr Wood" Wally said. > >"Yes thank you now I can take over the entire EARTH! Bw ha ha ha ha ha >haa!" Murray announced. > Tom: [Murray] I'm not evil - I just want to be noticed. >"Yea what ever Murray now you two get out of here find a way back to >Plunder Island" Guybrush told them. > >"Ok see you later Mr Brush" Wally said Tom: Look, Wally, pick one annoying truncated surname and stick with it! > "Come on Murray I'll carry you!". > >Wally picked up Murray and walked off with him. > >"Right now you put your head thorough this hole!" The Big Rat Man told >Guybrush. Crow: Er- Tom: No comment. > >"Ok" Guybrush said. > >"Oh bye the way see ya!" Guybrush told him. > >Guybrush ran off. Tom: It's all Guybrush, Guybrush, Guybrush with you, isn't it Spaz? > >"Why you little... Get back here!". > >Guybrush looked back as he ran and didn't look were he was going and ran >in to a heap of boxes full of pepper! > Mike: And now, for your viewing pleasure, a re-enacment of the "growing older" spell from CMI. Tom: Except that this is not very good. >"Ow! Yuck I got Pepper in my mouth!" He shouted. > Crow: He'll choke on the longstickings! Mike: That's "Pippi Longstickings". Crow: Oh. >He got up and continued running. > Tom: Now it's a Terminator 2 crossover. >"Hey Dingy Dog stop him!" The Big Rat Man shouted. > >"Right little tucker stop right there" Dingy Dog said. > >"Oh yeah try and stop me!" Guybrush said back. > >Dingy Dog leached forward and bit Guybrush. > Mike: Dingy Dog must some kind of tentacle monster. Crow: Or a bleach stain. >"Yooch he bit me! And I got hair all over me!" Guybrush shouted. > Tom: He's a werewolf! Kill him! Kill him! Mike: That's just "Dingy" Dog's hair. Tom: Kill him anyway! >"Ok kid now I got you!" The Big Rat Man said as he shoot a marrang pie at >Guybrush. > Crow: [gleeful] Yes! YES! Gotcha! "Marrang"! HE STUFFED UP! HE'S HUMAN AFTER ALL!! HA HA HAAAAAAA! Mike: [whispering to Tom] Sound's like Crow's taken some damage... Tom: [whispering to Mike] He's just highly strung. Crow: Hee hee hee... hee hee hee... >It sailed thorough the air and Guybrush! Mike: Dude! Guybrush sailed backwards and >landed in an empty stall. The stall started shaking violently and then it >BLEW UP! > >Guybrush flew out of the top and landed on the floor as a 20-year-old man! Crow: The Freudian allegory is so blatant I don't even want to comment. Mike: I see you've recovered. > > >"Ouch!" Guybrush shouted. > >"Now were did that kid go?" The Big Rat Man asked himself. > Tom: [Big Rat Man] Maybe this twenty-year-old man who's wearing his clothes, looks like him, and sounds like him can tell me. >"Err he went that way" Guybrush told The Big Rat Man. > >"Gee thanks" He replied "Say, you look familiar some how". > >"Err maybe because I'm... the boys farther!" Guybrush finished off. Mike: See, life can be seen as a journey down a road, and Guybrush is older than a boy, so he's *farther* down the road of life- Crow: You're grasping at straws, Mike. > >"Well Ok then I'll tell you when I find him" The Big Rat Man answered as >he walked off. > >"Phew that was close!" Guybrush said to himself. Guybrush started to walk >back to the giant the Monkey Head! When he arrived there was a lot of >wooden boards covering were he got in last time. The only place were there >was no wooden boards was the part were the cab for the roller coaster of >death entered. > >"Well there's only one thing for it I'll have to ride the roller coaster >and hope I can jump out!" Guybrush said to himself. > Mike: Isn't that like saying, "I'll have to jump out of this plane and hope I don't hit the ground very hard"? >Guybrush walked up to the Que. and waited for his turn. It was horrible to >think that all of the people in front of him were going to die! Crow: Not so horrible if the author's first in line. Tom: That's harsh... > At last >his turn came. > Mike: [singing] When I am king / you will be first against the wall... >"Finally" he said. > >"In you go..." The man at the stall said. Guybrush walked in and got a cab >by himself. > Tom: Sadly, Guybrush still hadn't licked his BO problem. >"Right I must remember to jump off when I get to my point!" Guybrush said >as he sat down in his cab. With a jerk, the cab set off! Crow: The jerk being Guybrush. > It ran up to a >familiar part of the ride. It was the scenery part, which were Guybrush >had last defeated LeChuck. The first one was of when Guybrush had first >arrived on Monkey Island. Mike: When the sky was bluer, and the natives weirder. People seemed to laugh more then... > LeChuck had put back the rope that Guybrush had >taken which he used to defeat LeChuck next to the hanging corpse (of cause >it wasn't the same one as that had burned away). Crow: Um... yeah. Tom: These sentences are making less and less sense. > The cab sped up again and >travelled to the next scene of Captain Marley and his crew, then to the >next one of when LeChuck torched Guybrush in his dungeons. LeChuck had >replaced the real Wally with a fake one. All: Let's see if anyone notices. > Then to the final scene of a Snow >Monkey. > >"What did it mean?" thought Guybrush. Crow: I don't know. Tom: I don't *want* to know! > Then the cab went out of the scenery >and started to climb up to the top of the Mega Monkey Mountain! When it >reached the top it sped down the steep slope. Faster and faster the cab >went heading for the giant monkey head! The cab was nearly there Guybrush >realised he couldn't jump out at this speed! If he did the impact would >probably kill him! > All: Do it! Do it! >"What can I do!" He shouted "Maybe theirs something in my pockets that can >help me!". Guybrush rummaged around in his pockets and found something >big. > Crow: Whoah! Mike: I'd tick you off for that, but the thought occured to me too... >"What this?" Guybrush asked to himself as he pulled it out. All: No! Stop! Cut it! > >"An umbrella?" All: Phew. > Guybrush asked himself startled "Oh it's the one from Blood >Island!". Guybrush immediately put it up and the cab started slowing down >with the air pressure in the umbrella. Tom: You've got to give it to Spaz, he tries. Not very hard, but he does try. > The cab slowly entered the giant >monkey head. > >"Excellent" Guybrush said as he jumped out of the cab. The cab fell into >the boiling larva. Mike: "You mean we're having maggots for dinner AGAIN?" > >"You again?!" a voice from behind Guybrush said. Guybrush spun round and >came face to face with LeChuck! > >"Err... em... Le... Chuck!" Tom: Boy, Dominic Armato really stuffed up that line. > Guybrush dithered out. > >"Yes Threepwood it's LeChuck!" LeChuck boomed. Tom: Geeze, someone turn the PA down! > >"Well erm bye!" Guybrush said as he sped off. > Crow: You'd think after all his defeats LeChuck would have invested in a gun by now. >"Arrrrrr!" LeChuck shouted as he breathed fire in Guybrush's direction. It >hit his legs and Guybrush screamed as he jumped into the air. He flew up >so high he hit his head into the rocky ceiling but went right thorough it! > Mike: Darn cheap Hollywood sets... >He landed in what seemed to be a small room above the catacombs. > >"Were am I?" He asked "That ceiling wasn't rock!". He looked behind him >and saw what seemed to be a giant brain! > Tom: Well, comparatively. This *is* Guybrush. >"A giant brain?!" Guybrush asked. > All: He's redundant and repetitious and redundant. >"What is this place Threepwood?" a voice from behind said. > Crow: Voices from behind - the recurring motif of this story. Tom: I'm just glad we don't have to figure out what that signifies... >"LeChuck again?!" Guybrush shouted out as he spun round. > >"Why yes Threepwood and now your going to die!" LeChuck boomed. Suddenly a >flash of light filled the room and LeChuck was now a giant flaming mass. > Tom: And I thought they'd debunked Spontaneous Human Combustion! >The flaming mass sped towards Guybrush. > >"Hey!" Guybrush shouted as he ducked. LeChuck missed Guybrush and went >straight into the giant brain! The giant brain started glowing with yellow >light. The room started to shake and pieces of rock started falling from >the ceiling! > Mike: So pieces of rock would be... rocks, I guess. >"She's guano blow!" Guybrush shouted All: [burst out laughing] Crow: I'd hate to be near *that* explosion! Mike: Okay, that's officially the funniest homophone I have *ever seen*. Tom: Guybrush Threepwood stars in "When Spell Checkers Attack!" > "I've got to get out of here!". > >Part 7: The Secret of Monkey Island > Mike: I have a feeling the only way we'll find out the real secret is if Ron Gilbert writes it down in his will. >Guybrush ran to the hole in the floor and jumped down. He sped down the >rocky ground and towards the entrance. The shaking got worse Crow: As Guybrush felt the familiar itch in the veins of his forearm... > and when >Guybrush reached the blocked entrance the boards had already fallen off. > >"Got to hurry where's Elaine?" Guybrush shouted. > >"Right hear" she answered from behind him. > Tom: Okay, that's just disturbing. WILL EVERYONE PLEASE STOP SNEAKING UP ON EVERYONE ELSE!? >"Hello honey we've got to get out of hear the islands going to blow!" >Guybrush told her. > Mike: He told her good! >"Right!" she replied. Both of them sped down to the dock at the edge of >the carnival. They passed lots of stalls, rides (e.t.c) on the way. Tom: Not very surprising, considering they're IN A CARNIVAL!! > When >they reached the dock the island was shaking so violently that the earth >started cracking up around them. > Crow: The strain of all those reused plot devices was starting to show... >"Oh no we better get on one of these ships" Elaine said. > Tom: [Elaine] That is, assuming we want to live. Remember, Spaz might be planning a sequel even as we speak. Crow: [Guybrush] Well, if you put it like that... >"Over here!" a voice from one of the ships shouted. > >"Hey its Wally!" Guybrush said. > >"Quick Mr Brush on this one!" Wally shouted. > Mike: [Wally] She needs a paint job badly! >"Ok Wally!" Guybrush shouted back. Guybrush and Elaine ran aboard the boat >and Wally immediately let the rope go that held them to the dock. > >"Full sail!" Guybrush shouted out. The ship set away just in time as the >ground on the island started to fall away. Guybrush looked at doomed beach >and could see someone shouting at him. > >"Over here!" it shouted All: STOP SHOUTING! Mike: Dr. F should have given us some earplugs for this fic. > "It's me Herman!". At that moment the beach fell >into the sea with Herman on with it! > Crow: Well, at least someone in this fanfic dies. Would have preferred Wally, but you can't have everything... >"Wally quick change course back to Monkey Island!" Guybrush shouted. > Tom: Or what's left of it. Mike: "The Floating Patch of Debris Formerly Known as Monkey Island". >"Aye sir Mr Wood sir!" [All growl] Tom: Go on, Guybrush, toss him overboard. You know you want to... > Wally replied. The ship drew closer to the doomed >island. The boat stopped next to Herman who was floating in the water. > >"Right up you come" Guybrush said as he pulled him up to the boat. > >"Hey what happened to your pants?" Elaine asked Herman. > Crow: You know, she could at least avert her eyes or something... >"What pants?" Herman asked back. Tom: Is this Herman or President Clinton? > At that moment there was a massive boom Crow: The NASDAQ index rose an unheard-of three hundred percent in just fourteen months... >and the Mega Monkey Mountain fell down. > >"Wally get us out of here!" Guybrush shouted "Full sail!". > >The boat sped away Mike: Thanks to the newly attached outboard motor. > and travelled past some floating debris. > >"Hey look a treasure chest!" Guybrush said "Stop!". > >"Aye aye Mr Brush" Wally said. Tom: Here's an idea for the next invention exchange, Mike - a Wally Mangler. Mike: I'll look into it. > Guybrush picked up a gaff and lowered it >down to the treasure chest and picked it up. He dropped it on the deck and >opened it up. > >"All it is a ticket saying E on it!" Guybrush said in dismiss. Bots: It's over! Yes! [get up to leave] Mike: I don't think he was talking to us, guys. Bots: [sit down again, grumbling] > At that >moment something awful happened. Tom: The story continued. > The Island was crumbling away in the >shape of a giant body! The giant monkey head could be seen clearly as it >was rising! An arm was moving next to the head! > Mike: The drama! The action! The exclamation points! >"This is no island it's a giant MONKEY!" Guybrush screamed out load Crow: Ewww! Mike: Crow! > "Well >at least I figured out the secret of Monkey Island!". The giant body rose >and there stood a giant Monkey. > All: [hum "Monkey Magic"] >It opened its giant mouth and boomed "So Threepwood you thought you could >escape the mighty LeChuck did you?". > >"Well erm..." Guybrush spluttered. > >"You thought yes didn't you! Well you were wrong!!!!" LeChuck boomed. Tom: LeChuck seems to be stuck on "Boom" mode. Crow: Yeah. He hasn't roared or bellowed in ages. I think he needs to be serviced. > He >lifted his giant Monkey foot and got ready to squash Guybrush and the >boat! > >"What can I do... wait a second!" Guybrush said. Tom: He can wait a second! Brilliant plan! > He ran over to the treasure >chest and picked up the ticket with E on it. > >He lifted it up in the air and shouted out Crow: WHERE IS THE JUG? Mike: You know, you can be *too* obscure... > "Demon begon!". > >"Excellent phrase Guybrush Crow: Guybrush, you grody dude! Awesome! > but how will it help us!" Murray shouted. > >"Just watch" Guybrush replied. > >"ARRRRRRR!!!!!!!!" LeChuck shouted. His head flashed with yellow light and >big spark or fire Mike: [Spaz] Or whatever... ah, I guess it doesn't really matter. > whooshed down to the ticket and hit knocked it out of >Guybrush's hand! It fell on the floor and glowed red for a second and then >dimmed to green again. Guybrush picked it up and then ripped it up! > Mike: Guybrush Threepwood: Pirate and overexcited usher. >An explosion filled the air Crow: With stuff. > and there was a great flash of light. The >giant monkey fell over into the debris of where Monkey Island was. There >was an even bigger flash of light and when it cleared Monkey Island was >back again untouched. Crow: Why, precisely? Mike: Happy ending. Crow: Yes, but *why*? > It was full with people and for a second Guybrush >thought he saw Lemonhead alive but that was impossible! > Tom: *Nothing's* impossible with Spaz at the helm! >"Guybrush you saved us!" Elaine shouted. > >"Yes thanks Mr Wood!" Wally shouted. > >"Thank you Guybrush!" Herman shouted. > Mike: [E/W/H] Why are we shouting? >"Yes thank you..." a man said. > Tom: Look! He didn't shout! Nobody's going to hear him! >"Who are you?" asked Guybrush. > >"It's me Murray!" Murray shouted. > Tom: Ahh, there he goes. >"What??!!" Guybrush asked "But your dead!" > Crow: What about his... oh, the fun's gone out of it. >"Not any more because when you defeated LeChuck every one he killed came >back to life!" Murray explained. > Crow: Aww, a happy ending... [retches] Mike: Gee, someone's a bitter, cynical robot today... Crow: Shut up. >"Then I saved more lives than I thought!" Guybrush said. > Tom: Which, for Guybrush, is not as hard as it sounds. >"Yes!" Murray said. > Crow: You can save up to 50% on your long distance phone calls! >"Well then set course for Plunder Island Wally!" Guybrush shouted. > Mike: Now my ears are buzzing... Tom: I feel like *we've* been the ones at the Sepultura concert. >"Give me a kiss!" Elaine said and she kissed him. > Mike: Got tired of waiting, I guess. >The End? > Tom: Don't taunt us like that, Spaz... Crow: Come on, let's go. [1...2...3...4...5...6...] [SOL. Crow and Tom look depressed] Mike: We made it, guys. It's over. Cheer up! Crow: I don't think I'll ever be able to look at a word again without wondering how you could muck up the spelling. Tom: Whenever I think of the name 'Wally' I get the sudden urge to kill a lot of people. Crow: But you're right! It's over. [cheers up] Mike: Tom? Tom: Yeah, I guess it was just a story... [also cheers up] Mike: That's the spirit! Now, smile for the camera... [Deep 13. Dr. Forrester looks set to gloat, but suddenly sees their expressions] Dr. F: Hmmm. You lot look unusually happy. [SOL] Crow: Piece of cake, Forrester. Tom: Yeah, pile 'em on! [Deep 13] Dr. F: [confused] You mean you're not... wracked with cynicism and bewilderment? Not possessed of a fierce, burning hatred of all things Monkey Island? [SOL] Tom: Definitely not? Crow: How could you despise a game wth so many great lines? Like, "It says here that `Arf` has twenty-seven meanings in Dog." Tom: "I may be a lazy guy, but carrying around my own place to sit is too much." Mike: Oh, no... Crow: "I suffer from a rare pigmentation efficiency syndrome." Tom: "He IS filthy. And he smells bad too." Mike: Guys... Crow: "Yes, I love rats! Especially in a light wine sauce." Tom: "Hmmm, a rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle. What possible use could that have?" Mike: GUYS! [Deep 13. Dr. F looks happier] Dr. F: Aah, almost a happy ending. From my perspective anyway... [pushes the button] Crow: [O.S.] Look behind you! A three-headed monkey! \ | / \ | / \|/ ---O--- Fwshhhh! /|\ / | \ / | \ Mike: [O.S.] Now where did I put that mallet again...? -------------------------------------------------------------------- "The Doom of Monkey Island" WAS WRITTEN BY: Captain Spaz MSTed BY: Chris Ratcliff Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and [c] 199X by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. or anyone else is intended or should be inferred. This post is for amusement only and should not be seen as a personal attack on Captain Spaz, although he should perhaps choose a better handle. Special thanks to Heather Ogelvie, whose novelisation of the Curse of Monkey Island was an important point of reference (you gotta keep your fanboy facts straight in this business...) >"She's guano blow!" Guybrush shouted