[Int. SOL. Crow and Tom enter, apparently in deep discussion] Crow: ...All I'm saying is that Fawlty Towers is merely a blip on an otherwise uninterrupted downward trajectory- Mike: Great. You're here. Tom: What is it this time? Mike: Dr. F. wouldn't say. All he said was it was a little different. Tom: ...Which means? Mike: Who knows? I just hope it's not another meta-misting. I've still got a headache from the last one. Crow: Maybe he'll give us something so good we won't be able to riff it at all! Mike: Not likely. Crow: Can't hurt to hope. [Light flashes] Mike: Oh well. Let's see what Ningauble has to say. [Deep 13] Dr. F: Hello, chumps. All set and ready for today's hurting? [SOL] Mike: What is it this time? [Deep 13] Dr. F: Well, it's a fanfic that I've dredged up from the depths of the Internet- [SOL] Crow: Great. What dreck is being deified today, then? Babylon 5? Quantum Gate? Gummi Bears? [Deep 13] Dr. F: Wrong, Crow. Today's fanfic is not based on a TV show. [SOL] Crow: Like that narrows it down much. Is it Sonic the Hedgehog? Mario? Final Fantasy? [Deep 13] Dr. F: And it's not a videogame fanfic either. [SOL] Crow: Oh. Tom: [confused] I don't... what it's a fanfic of, then? [Deep 13] Dr. F: Welcome to your first ever piece of computer game fanfic. It's an *exhaustive* story set in the charming world of Monkey Island. [SOL] Crow: "Monkey Island"? Tom: What on God's green earth is *that*? Mike: Oh, I remember that game. Crow: [muttering] Great. Meat boy here's got more background knowledge than us. This is gonna hurt. [Deep 13] Dr. F: And hurt bad, I hope. The author's Morpheus, the story's called "Resurrection", and the theatre's over there. Get cracking. [SOL: Lights, noise, pandemonium] All: WE'VE GOT MYSTERY STORY SIGN! [6...5...4...3...2...1...] > Deep in the Caribbean, Monkey Island Mike: Well, here we go guys. Another day in the trenches... > Deep in the Caribbean, Monkey Island... [pause] Tom: ...yes? > > > Tom: I'm still waiting. Mike: I've heard of sentences trailing off, but headings? > "Hurry up, maggots!" shouted the skeleton. Tom: A skeleton equipped with vocal cords, apparently. > "Can't keeps the Lord of the > Undead waitin'! Move, move, move!" Mike: Must be an action movie. Crow: "Go go go! Move move move! Run run run!" > > The other skeletons walked as fast as they could Tom: They were in preparation for the 2006 Undead Olympics. > without tipping the > scarlet pillow they held. Each skeleton held one corner of the pillow and > never looked under the black box that was on it. They came up to the > skeleton that yelled at them. Mike: [skeletons] "Hi, skeleton that yells at us." > > He had a white shirt and green pants Crow: Ow. Now that's a fashion victim. Mike: Beats the reverse, I guess. Tom: Why is a skeleton wearing clothes anyway? It's not like they need protection from the elements or anything. > with a dull and notched cutlass > trapped between his belt and ribcage. Mike: [cutlass] Lemme out! > On his skull was a wig that curled > upwards at the front. Crow: [starts to speak] Mike: [clamps Crow's beak shut] Any _There's Something About Mary_ joke you were going to make, forget it. > Illuminating emerald pupils were in his eyes as a > symbol that he had within him voodoo power, but not necessarily could use > it. Tom: [laughs] Well, that's useful. > His name, like him, was bad to the bone Mike: Literally! > and ugly as a dog: Largo > LaGrande. > > Behind Largo was a throne of gold covered by a blanket of ice. Like the > throne, the room was ice, Tom: But he just said the throne was gold! Crow: Maybe the gold is cold. Mike: Great. Stuck in the theatre with Dr. Seuss. Crow: Hey! > and so was its ruler. A dreaded ice demon he > was, Mike: But only if you're living somewhere really cold. In the Sahara he's not very dreaded at all. > drawn from boulders colder than death itself. Crow: Oooh. What a metaphor. > He died years ago and > since then, died numerous times more, Crow: Since he enjoyed it so much the first time. > taking reincarnations each > resurrection. Tom: "Reincarnations each resurrection"? Was he reincarnated, or was he resurrected? Mike: Yes. > All this turmoil because he met a pirate wannabe, Tom: [confused] He met someone pirating Spice Girls songs? Mike/Crow: [shudder] > who stole > the woman Mike: [singing] Now who stole the woman from the cookie jar? > he was meant to be with; or at least, he believed he was meant > to be with. Tom: And this distinction will become important later on. > > "Where is it?" he roared. > > "Yessir, Captain, sir," said Largo. "I-I've brought you the gauntlet." > > "At last!" smiled the captain. Tom: That's a loud smile. > "The time has come for me to finally rid > the world of Guybrush Threepwood and take Elaine Marley as my bride. But > you know, I've been thinkin', Mike: [Largo] Good for you. Crow: [Captain] Shut up. > maybe I should kill Guybrush before I take > Elaine. He's defeated me three times now. Mike: [Captain] I kind of suck. > I don't know why I didn't think > of it before!" Tom: Because you're dumb? > > Maybe because you're such a simpleton that you wouldn't know when to even > put some decent clothes on, for crying out loud, Mike: Ummm... why is the author getting mad at his character? > thought Largo. Mike: Oh. Tom: This from a man who wears green pants. > "I wish I > shared your intellect, Captain." He called the other skeletons to take the > pillow to their ruler. Tom: Pillow... ruler... ? Crow: I've got this bizarre image of preschoolers performing Masonic rites. > > The captain removed the black box and inserted his bony hand into the > gauntlet beneath. It had strange symbols engraved along the wrist and a > piece of paper wrapped into a cylinder as the middle finger. Crow: Whoops, that's gonna affect the resale value... > The captain > looked curiously at it Mike: [captain] Duuuh... pretty. > and then faced Largo. > > "Where is the finger?" he asked. > > "Huh?" asked Largo. All: HE SAID WHERE'S THE FINGER! > > "The Finger of Life!" roared the captain. "Where is it?" > > "Well, it's," started Largo, "right there. Inside the paper." > > "Get me the Finger of Life, you overgrown dog food!" yelled the captain. > > "Yes sir, Captain LeChuck, sir," said Largo. He ran away to assemble an > armada. Mike: But I didn't think LeChuck wanted an armada. Crow: You just can't get good help these days. > > > Crow: Well, we're through the prologue. Tom: That wasn't so bad. I think we might be able to survive this one. > > Part One: The Witch Doctor's Treasure > > The mansion on Governor Island was alive tonight. Mike: It acquired sentient powers every alternate Thursday. > On this fine day, Mike: Or night. > it was > the first anniversary when Elaine Marley, Governor of the tri-island area > of Melee, Booty, and Plunder, married pirate hero Guybrush Threepwood. To > celebrate, Guybrush had a ship built for his beloved, Tom: And he also gave a toaster to Elaine. > the _Governor_ (now, > ain't that appropriate). All: [groan] Mike: Authorial intrusion: your guide to quality fanfics. > It was meant to be a cruise ship but Crow: There had been a mixup with the plans, they'd ended up with a coracle instead. > was > equipped with the most advanced cannon technology in the Caribbean as > well as extra armoured plating beneath the wood to withstand cannon fire. Crow: All this armour plating meant it would sink like a stone on the open seas, but you can't have everything. > Guybrush, being the warm-hearted ghost-busting stud he was, Mike: Well, that's what it says on his business card, anyway. > needed no > present from Elaine, only her love. Tom: Nice rationalisation, Guybrush. Mike: Y'know, usually it's the *husband* who's supposed to forget anniversaries. > He had no fear whatsoever of LeChuck > coming to take Elaine. Tom: Was that foreshadowing? > > Guests ranging from the arcane Voodoo Island to nearby Barnacle Island > came to celebrate. Mike: Some pranksters had hung 'GUYBRUSH IS DEAD' posters up around town. > The infamous classical music pirate band, Bullet Holes, > was there performing. Fish, bananas, and fruit cocktail were laid out on > the table. Crow: And all in the one bowl! > The guests were attired in bright and colourful costumes and masks. Mike: Death wandered past, clutching cheese cubes and a small pineapple in one bony hand. > > Suddenly, a hush came over the audience. Dilbert, the governor's gardener, Tom: Heh... times must be tough in Silicon Valley. > entered the mansion and eyed the staircase. Crow: Dilbert sounds like a pretty dynamic character. > A man in his early twenties > was descending to the living room. Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, our hero. > He had light brown hair Crow: Heaped up in a bucket beside him. > with a ponytail > at the back of his head and a goatee encircling his mouth. A polished > cutlass Mike: Yeah, I always like to show up at parties ready to slaughter somebody. > and a gold-buckled belt augmented to his fancy black raiment. Mike: Never use the word 'raiment' again. Or 'augmented', come to think of it. Crow: Shouldn't there be a verb in that sentence? > He > had a white shirt underneath his velvet jacket as well as long white > hoses. Tom: I don't think now's the time to water the garden, Guybrush. > > The man turned his head from side to side, Crow: Scanning the crowd for snipers. > looking at the crowd. "Don't > stop the party at my account. Continue!" he smiled. [silence] Mike: [Guybrush] ...please? > > As the celebration resumed, the man walked over to a frame on the wall > above the fireplace. Four map pieces were held inside as they told the > location of the legendary treasure of Big Whoop. It brought back old > memories. The man suddenly noticed Dilbert coming towards him. Tom: Holding a rusty pair of garden shears in one hand, Dilbert advanced, grinning crazily... > > "Congratulations, Guybrush," he said. Crow: You've won a NEW CAR! > "After journeying from the flaming > depths of Monkey Island past the clutches of the Demon Pirate LeChuck, > you've finally got your prize." Mike: Okay, who let Mr. Exposition into the party? > > "Thanks, Dilbert," said Guybrush. "Why don't you take the night off. Join > the fun." Tom: He's on call 24/7, and Guybrush gives him the night off. How generous. > > "Thank you for the offer," said Dilbert. "However, I must refuse. Whether > it be a party or a public burning, Crow: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Mike: Do you have to do that every single MiSTing? Crow: Sorry. > I can't leave my garden. Mike: [Dilbert] Or you'll sack me. > I'll be all > right." > > "Okay," said Guybrush. He watched Dilbert open the door and disappear into > the night. Of course, he'd only be behind the mansion watering the plants. Mike: Phew. I was worried about Dilbert there for a second. > > Guybrush tried chatting with the guests, who ignored him. Tom: Ouch. Crow: Well, if they're not Guybrush's friends, what are they doing there? Mike: At least the author is getting Guybrush's essential character right. > Then, he saw > someone with a rather unusual costume. Leaves made sure his... ahem! Crow: Aww, don't be bashful... > ... secret places remained hidden and he had a large lemon on his head > with holes cut for eyes. However, Guybrush could never have forgotten one > such as he. Mike: "One such as he"? Who's writing this, Tolkien? > > "Lemonhead!" Tom: Taffy ears! Crow: Chicken arm! Mike: Jelly mouth! > he cried. "I haven't seen you since the wedding!" Crow: Lemonhead is a wanted felon. > > "Tell me about it," said Lemonhead. Tom: [Lemonhead] Most of that period is a complete blur. > "You haven't changed a bit. I still > remember how grand the wedding was. Mostly because of that picture," said > Lemonhead, pointing to a photo. Tom: It's a picture of the Eiffel Tower. They hung it up at the reception and everyone pretended they were in Paris. > > In the photo, Guybrush was facing Elaine as his pirate barber friend > Edward Van Helgen acted as the minister. Tom: He took bribes from mining companies and property developers? Mike: Uh, wrong minister, Tom. > Lemonhead had his arm around > second pirate barber Cutthroat Bill Mike: Now *that's* a name that's going to get you ahead in the barber business. > and was clutching hard on his biceps. Crow: Lemonhead was clutching his own biceps?! Mike: Not quite... > What's a cannibal to do? Tom: Eat people? Just a thought. > thought Guybrush as he continued to examine the > picture. Sitting next to Bill was Mike: Ted! Crow: "Excellent!" > third pirate barber Haggis McMutton. > Guybrush remembered he'd hosted the Highland Dance Contest. Long-time > friend and pirate cartographer Wally Bloodnose Feed Tom: Bloodnose Feed? Mike: Urgh... I just pictured that. > received first prize: > a Bagpipe Baby doll. Mike: The ill-fated competitor of Cabbage Patch Kids. > And there was Stan, Crow: The gang's all here! > who gave out the invitations at > just the right price. Mike: Yep, that's Guybrush. He's got to sell invitations just to get guests to turn up. > > "Uh, some wedding that was," said Guybrush. "So how's it going?" Mike: The wedding? > > "Oh, great!" said Lemonhead. "I've been given a place in the Cannibal > Institute of Authority." Tom: Rule #1: No eating people without the expression permission of the Cannibal Institute of Authority. Crow: Rule #2: No pooftahs! > > "The CIA?" asked Guybrush with amazement. All: Wah wah waaahhh.... > "I heard you guys offer great ship license plates." > > "Oh yeah!" said Lemonhead, handing Guybrush a plate. "You'll be the talk > of the sea." > > Guybrush peered down at it. It read "I8U". All: Wah wah waaahhh... Mike: I think there's going to be a lot of muted trumpet in this fanfic. > > "I'll think about it," said Guybrush, returning the plate. > > Lemonhead stopped short for a second. At length, he said, "Damn! The > Institute just called me via telepathy. I have to leave. Tom: [snort] Great excuse, Lemonhead. Mike: Must be desperate to leave. And I don't blame him. > Sorry. But here, > take this handbook." He gave Guybrush a booklet that explained about the > Institute and ran out the door. Tom: The booklet ran out the door? Mike: Maybe Lemonhead *does* have telepathic powers. > > Guybrush opened the book. Suddenly, a note fell from it and he picked it > up. Mysteriously, it was addressed to him. Tom: I get the feeling a lot of things are mysterious to Guybrush. Crow: [Guybrush] These letters in our mailbox have our address on them! Incredible! > > *Dear Guybrush Threepwood, > You are in great danger. LeChuck is back and is more powerful than ever. > You must **meet me** *stay where you are aNd wait For our captain to take > you. All: Sayyyy... > Must go, hand Falling out of socket. Mike: I've heard of writer's cramp, but come on... > FINger must get. > > Finger? What finger? Crow: Here, let me show you... Mike: Crow, calm down. > There was something strange about the letter Mike: Guybrush's spidey sense is tingling! > and > Guybrush felt that he had to keep it to himself. Tom: [Daffy Duck] It's mine!! All mine! > He went out the door to > find Crow: The feds had the place surrounded! > Lemonhead but he had already left for the Institute. Guybrush > glimpsed into the book again Mike: "Glimpsed into"? > and discovered that the CIA headquarters was > located on Voodoo Island. He had to start packing. Tom: Uh, why? Mike: He's doing a midnight flit from his digs. > Maybe he should go > through the back door up to his bedroom instead of going back inside > through the front door. Crow: Or perhaps it might be a good idea to go in through the side door. Or maybe he should get the ladder and climb in through a second story window. The chimney was always an option... > It'd cause less suspicion since Elaine should've > been down there by now. > > Guybrush went behind the house Crow: Eww! Why can't he use the bathroom like a normal person? > where he could see the _Governor_ docked > near the beach. He opened the back door and climbed the staircase to his > bedroom. Tom: "His" bedroom? I thought Guybrush and Elaine were married. Mike: Well, maybe on paper... > When he opened the secret door in the ground and got to his feet, > he discovered the room was bare. Crow: They've been robbed! > > Elaine suddenly came up and noticed him. She wore a scarf, her dark > jacket, and her usual bandanna that covered her scarlet hair. "Guybrush!" > she yelled. Mike: [Guybrush, startled] YAAAAHHHH! > "What on earth are you doing?" Tom: He's in their bedroom. What's the big deal? > > Guybrush spun round to face her with an uneasy expression. "Uh, I think we > need a vacation. Let's start packing!" > > Elaine became suspicious. Mike: Gee, I wonder why... > "What's that on the floor?" she took the letter and read it. > > "Elaine, no!" The letter must have fell when I came up from the secret > door, thought Guybrush. Tom: Why would a bedroom need a secret door anyway? Crow: Guybrush probably put it in to smuggle out all his mistresses. > > "Oh... dear... lord," said Elaine. "I have never seen such organised > handwriting turn into garbage like this!" she yelled. > > "Huh?" Guybrush was puzzled. Tom: [Guybrush] Duhhhh... > However, this bought him some time. Mike: Sometimes it's smart to be dumb. > He > finished packing, Crow: While Elaine stood by and did nothing. > kissed Elaine, and started for the door. "Well, I'm > going to the Voodoo Island market. Make sure there's still fish for me > when I get back." Tom: "An if there ain't dinner on the table when I get home at six, I'm gonna hafta give you a whuppin'." > If I get back, thought Guybrush. Tom: You mean there's a good chance he's going to his death? Crow: You go, Guybrush! Full speed ahead! > > "Wait a minute," said Elaine. "Guybrush, you're not going to face LeChuck > alone. I'm coming with you." Mike: [Elaine] That way, both of us will die! Tom: I'm with Elaine. > > "Elaine," started Guybrush, "I'm not facing him. Tom: [Guybrush] I'm facing you! > I need to find out who > sent that letter. And I'm sure I'll find the answer on Voodoo Island." Tom: [Guybrush] Well, sorta sure, at least... > > "Well, I'm never leaving your side, Guybrush," said Elaine. Mike: [Elaine] Your front, on the other hand, can go jump. > "Let's ready > the _Governor_." Tom: --for love! Mike: What? > > *** > > Guybrush and Elaine arrived at their ship. They perceived its figurehead, > which was a seagull, and a dark man standing before them. Tom: Wouldn't they see the ominous man *before* the seagull? > He was short and > wore a cowl. Tom: Well, then he should just cheer up! Mike: Cowl, Tom. Not scowl. > Curiously, Guybrush advanceed towards him. Mike: [Guybrush] This guy looks like a leprechaun. Are you a leprechaun? > > "Who are you?" asked the man. Crow: [Wizard] My name is immaterial. Tom: [Rincewind] That's a pretty name. > > "My name's Guybrush Threepwood and I'm a mighty pirate!" Mike: Sometimes. > > "Really?" said the man. He came out of the shadows and threw down his > cowl. Tom: I cast thee out! > "I'm Dwarfbeard and I sent the letter. Don't think I don't know you, > Guybrush, slayer of the Ghost Pirate LeChuck. One of his henchman ambushed > me at my workshop and tied me to a chair. I escaped using my trusty hook, > Picker." Tom: Ewww! > He held up his hand, displaying his shining hook. "I disposed of > the henchman but not before he took the letter. Crow: But... wouldn't that mean Dwarfbead could just take the letter back? It's not making any sense... > There must be another > undead around here Crow: *Why*? > and we're not safe until we find him." Mike: Actually, you're perfectly safe until you find him. Or he finds you. > > Guybrush and Elaine eyed him. Dwarfbeard was heavily built around the > shoulders and biceps, and had a long beard. Crow: It's a member of Z.Z. Top! > His attire represented him as > an ageing pirate. Tom: The trousers pulled up to the armpits was a dead giveaway. > > "There was mention of a finger in the letter. What's it talking about?" > asked Guybrush. Tom: Nothing. Fingers can't talk! Mike: [sigh] > > "The Witch Doctor's Treasure, an ancient but powerful voodoo gauntlet! > It was never made to be a weapon but it'd be very dangerous in the wrong > hands. Especially if those hands were colder than death but held the blood > of an ancient evil. Mike: Dwarfbeard's being very specific here... > Come! We must return to my workshop and salvage what > we can of my research of it." Tom: [Dwarfbeard] Because, of course, I have no memory at all. > > The trio ran past the mansion Mike: Why the hurry? Crow: Must be a stocktake sale on. > to the city of Seagull's Beak. Tom: Come visit scenic Seagull's Beak! See the lovely lakes! The wonderful telephone system! > It was named > so because early settlers on Governor Island founded the city with the > help of a seagull, Mike: Obviously a very dumb group of early settlers. Crow: How's a seagull gonna help build a city anyway? > who guided them to a building space with its beak. Tom: There's your answer, Crow. Crow: Oh, yeah, like the settlers wouldn't have found it anyway. > Now, > decades later, Seagull's Beak had become quite a tourist attraction. Tom: People came from miles around to gaze at a stone statue replica of the Beak. > It > was home to taverns, markets, pirates, and even circus performers. It was > a busy night because of the anniversary celebration. Mike: They're celebrating Guybrush and Elaine's anniversary here too?! Come on... > > "There it is," said Dwarfbeard. He pointed to a small shack beside Lake > Spittoon, a local bar. "Everything I know about the gauntlet is in the > papers hidden inside the floor." Tom: *Inside* the floor? Not under? Mike: Now *that's* a good hiding spot. > > They entered the dark shack and lighted a lantern beside the door. > Dwarfbeard crouched down Mike: Which, together with his already short frame, made him virtually invisible. Crow: [Guybrush] Hey! Where'd Dwarfbeard go? > and examined a doll on the ground. However, he > turned it over and Elaine and Guybrush found out it was attached to a wood > panel. Tom: But how can he turn the doll over when it's stuck to the *floor*!? Aargh! Crow: [pensive] This isn't looking good... > Dwarfbeard turned a knob on the doll's back Mike: The doll shook its arms, gargled some words, and wet itself. > and the panel was > loosened. He threw it away and took out rolls of paper. Mike: Rolls of used toilet paper, in fact. Dwarfbeard had never been the same since the accident. > > "Here's my research on the Witch Doctor's Treasure," he whispered. Tom: [Guybrush] What? Speak up! > "Many > years ago, I and five other pirates went searching for treasure when we > landed on Voodoo Island. Since we already landed on an island that wasn't > on the map, we searched there. Tom: Err... okay. > Finding the gauntlet was a task that killed > all but the five of us. Crow: Doesn't he mean six? > It was me, Wetbeard, Nerdbeard, Reekbeard, > and Fakebeard. Crow: [annoyed] Up there it said there were *five* other pirates! > Wait! Mike: Looks like the author just remembered too. > There was one other survivor by the name of, > ah, Threepwood." Tom: [Dwarfbeard] No, wait, it was Clarice. Always get those two names mixed up. > > Guybrush gasped. "Threepwood?" Mike: Is there an echo? > > "Yeah," said Dwarfbeard, overlooking Guybrush's surname. "He was a great > navigator. Anyway-" > > "Wait a second," interrupted Guybrush. "Threepwood is my last name." > > Dwarfbeard was silent. Mike: Are you sure? Maybe he's just whispering again. > "Well, he said he only had one child and it was a > girl." Crow: You've got that right. > > "They abandoned me," said Guybrush. Tom: [Guybrush] Nobody likes me. I'm going to eat some worms. > "You knew my father? What was he like?" Mike: [Guybrush] What was his bowling average? Did he wear green shoes? If my father was a salad roll, what fillings would he have? > > Dwarfbeard lay in thought. Mike: Ummm... Crow: I'd rather not know what that phrase meant, thank you very much. > "He was," he said slowly, "well, obedient, for one thing. Crow: "Here, Threepwood! Fetch!" > Again, he was a > great navigator. And, that's about all I can remember. Anyway, we found > the gauntlet through a booby-trapped underground tunnel system. There was > a scroll written in a language we couldn't understand. Tom: [Dwarfbeard] So we used it to light that night's fire. > We took the silver > gauntlet with its golden fingers Mike: "Golden fingers?" Maybe it belongs to Cancer Man. > and the scroll back with us to Booty > Island. A monk translated the scroll and we found out it was all about the > gauntlet." Crow: So they ship magical items with instruction manuals these days? Mike: No wonder they couldn't read it. Must have been in Korean. > He paused. "We can't stay here. To Voodoo Island! There is a > friend who might be able to help us there." Crow: Help them do what? Mike: [confused] I don't know... > > They exited the shack but then were stopped by a group of men just outside > Lake Spittoon. Tom: [Men] Wallet inspectors. Mike: Actually, they're plot contrivances. > They couldn't have been seen since they were hidden in the > night's shadows. Tom: So why did Guybrush and Co stop? Mike: I have no idea. > In on of the men's hands was a human skull, which seemed > to groan at them. However, its voice was familiar to Guybrush. Crow: [Guybrush] You're... you're Wendell, right? Or Susan. Susan? Cliff? Maria? Bob? > > "Murray, it's been sometime." Tom: [Guybrush] But not any more. > > "Shut up!" yelled the skull. Crow: Skulls can talk? Mike: In wacky cartoon universes they can. > The men came from the shadows carrying > Murray, the demonic skull, on a rich pillow. Tom: The pillow owned forty percent of the world's oil. > "You and I need to talk." Mike: [whoever] Not to each other, necessarily. Just talk. > > *** > > Guybrush, Elaine, and Dwarfbeard were taken to the back of Lake Spittoon, > which Murray apparently owned. Tom: How? Crow: Why? Tom: Is anything happening here for any reason at all?! Mike: Stick with it, guys. I'm sure the plot will turn up eventually. > It was a brightly-lit room, but small and > empty, save for a central table. Mike: A hotel with only one table? Crow: Talk about defeatism. > Guybrush seemed to remember the men that > were carrying Murray. Fortunately, there was a window beside the door Tom: And a chair beside the bed. > and > the three men could be seen sitting on a bench. Crow: If you happened to look that way, at least. > There was a thin one with > a moustache, a bloated one who was sleeping, and the last had a peg leg. Mike: Wow. I feel like I've known them my whole life. > > "Any luck with the circus?" asked Guybrush. Tom: Ummm... Mike: Monkey Island in-joke. It's not worth explaining. > > The man with the peg leg eyed him with a puzzled expression. "Do we know > you?" Crow: [man] Biblically? > > "I'm Guybrush Threepwood. Tom: Yes, like you only tell EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE FANFIC! > You gave me PTA minute tests claiming them to be > maps on the streets of Melee Island. And I polished your leg with the wood > polish I bought for you on Woodtick, Scabb Island." Mike: Aah, memories. Tom: I just realised. This whole fanfic is just a clip show linked by scenes of Guybrush travelling around for no reason. Mike: ...And? Tom: [meekly] Nothing. > > The men stared at each other and then back to Guybrush. They had no idea > who he was Crow: Lucky them. > and shrugged their shoulders. > > The man with the peg leg spoke at length. Tom: "Hi, length." Crow/Mike: [groan] > "I don't remember you. But in > response to your question, we had luck but it was cruelly taken away from > us." > > The thin man spoke. "You see, Frank Tom: Who, *our* Frank? > entered a contest to win a ship. Tom: I guess not. > He > thought he could use it to find a place to resurrect the circus. He lost > but the owner agreed to offer him another... for a price." > > "We had to give him 8500 pieces o' eight before he gave us the ship," said > Frank. "We found a place perfect for a circus on Barnacle Island. We made > a tent out of the large leaves that grow there Crow: So this tent's gonna fit, what, maybe four people? > and tamed the animals of > the island's jungle." Tom: Unfortunately, the only animals on the island were the rat, the centipede, and the praying mantis, which kinda doomed the circus from the start. > > "But the rat scared off our elephant," said the thin man, pointing to a > small rat sleeping on the floor. He faced Frank and glimpsed back at > Guybrush. Tom: All right, that's it. I'm declaring an official moratorium on further uses of the word 'glimpsed'. > "Get lost, you depressed us." Mike: And us, too. The three men of low moral fibre > (pirates) Mike: Thank you for that informative, if completely useless, paranthetical aside. > went back to sleep after those words. Tom: SLEEEP! > > Suddenly, a waiter opened the door Mike: Is that really an action that qualifies for "Suddenly"? Crow: Sure, if the waiter threw the door off its hinges. > and set a veiled dish on the table. Mike: At this point, Guybrush began to grow suspicious of the hotel's "Payment before eating" policy. > Guybrush, Elaine, and Dwarfbeard were starved. Tom: By a group of wandering sadists. > Then, Elaine lifted the > cover but there was no food there. Crow: [Guybrush, annoyed] Waiter! > Murray leapt out and scared Elaine half > to death. Tom: Just think, he only has to do it one more time and she'll be dead. Crow: Thanks, Tom. I don't think I can make it through this fanfic with that possibility hanging over my head. > > "That'll teach you to choose the anchor," smiled Murray. Crow: Skulls don't have lips, so how could they tell he was smiling? > > "Um, I'm over here," said Guybrush, waving his hand. > > Murray eyed Elaine Tom: [Murray] Hubba hubba! > and realised it wasn't Guybrush he scared. "Damn. Well, > I'm tormenting you until you apologise for taking the anchor as your > favourite toy instead of me in the Carnival of the Damned." > > Guybrush sighed. "Oh, come on, Murray. That anchor meant nothing to me. I > was thinking about you all along." Crow: Eww! Necrophilia! > > Murray hesitated. "Keep going," he smiled. > > "You know you're the only toy for me. Come on, give me another chance," > said Guybrush. > > Murray laid in thought. Crow: He conjugated Latin verbs and thought about baseball averages. Mike: Crow, you're treading the line. > "Come here and give me a hug!" he cried. Tom: [singing] Sit on my face, and tell me that you love me... > > "No," said Guybrush. "Look, we really must be going." Mike: [Guybrush] It's the plot, remember! The plot! The *plot!* > > "Aye," said Dwarfbeard. "'Tis a dangerous journey we are about to embark." Tom: [Dwarfbeard] We're heading down to the corner store. You have to cross two streets *and* there's a set of traffic lights. Crow: [Guybrush, nervous] Ooh, I don't like the sound of this... > > "Really?" asked Murray. Mike: [Dwarfbeard] No. I'm lying. > "Then I'm coming with you. And so are my three > pirate friends outside. Poor losers. Mike: [pirates] Hey! > That circus idea just had its ups and > downs." Tom: And ins and outs and lefts and rights... > > "Well, what are we waiting for?" smiled Guybrush. "Onward to Voodoo > Island." Mike: Onward! Tally ho! > > "Whoa," said Murray. "Voodoo Island? That place is dangerous. Crow: [Murray] Guess I better not come along, after all. > You better > take Frank's map." Crow: [Murray] We can fold it up into a water bomb. > > "Thanks," said Guybrush. "Well, come on!" Mike: [Guybrush] Remember the plot? The PLOT! > > *** > > Guybrush held the map before him while he rested his arms on the steering > wheel of the _Governor_. Tom: Steering wheel? Is this a ship or a car? Crow: Well, you can certainly see all the extensive research that's gone into this fanfic. > Barnacle Island was at the top centre of the map > with Melee opposite to it. Southwest of Barnacle was Scabb with Phatt > Island below. Booty was southeast of Scabb and southwest of Phatt. A > little down south of Barnacle was Governor Island with Voodoo Island east > of that. South of Voodoo was Plunder Island, south of which was Skull > Island. East of Skull was Blood Island and south of that was the accursed > Monkey Island with its isle, Dinky. Tom: No one will be seated during the thrilling "reading the map" scene! > > If only Bulky Island was on this map, thought Guybrush. Mike: Yes. If only. > However, it wasn't > Bulky he was going to, it was Voodoo Island. They should arrive at Voodoo > Island by noon if the wind didn't change. Maybe then he will learn more of > this gauntlet. Mike: Thanks for the foreshadowing. > > Guybrush scanned all of the other islands. Tom: ...and put them up on his web page. > Barnacle Island was one of his > choices for a vacation spot but he gave it up for Eyepatch Isle. He knew > Barnacle Island because of its commercial use. Crow: It was worth twice as much as Park Place! > His barber pirate friends > moved their business there and there was a hotel for retired or > unsuccessful pirates. Mike: Yep, that sounds like Guybrush, all right. > The Dull Blade, thought Guybrush. He heard rumours > that his friend Herman Toothrot settled there. Crow: Hence the decision to choose Eyepatch Isle instead. > > *** > > "Well, here we are," said Guybrush. "Voodoo Island." Mike: Guybrush is the resident State-The-Obvious guy. > > "Aye," said Dwarfbeard. "'Tis a fine place to be if ye have a hankerin' > for some Tom: Double-mint gum! > headhuntin'." > > Gross, thought Guybrush. Mike: It's Guybrush Threepwood, Valley Girl. Crow: "Dead bodies? GROSS!!" > "Perhaps... later." > > After the crew got onto the dock and entered the town, Dwarfbeard acted as > their guide. However, he insisted that Elaine stay at the Snake Pit Hotel. Mike: Only Elaine. None of the others. Crow: Nothing suspicious about that... > He complimented on the beds, the views through the window, and especially > the carpet. > > "I remember it to be fleshy, slippery, and smooth," said Dwarfbeard. Tom: [Dwarfbeard] It was like a second lover... > > Elaine shook her head. "No way. I'm not staying at a place like that." > > Guybrush peered at Murray, who was under his arm. "Uh, Elaine, why don't > you take Murray to a hat store. Dwarfbeard told me they're on sale > today." Tom: Hat stores? Mike: No. > > "Pleeeaase," whined Murray. > > Elaine glimpsed at the skull. Tom: Eek! Mike: Well, that's just uncalled for. > "Promise you won't kill me and take my \ > body." Tom: Anyone who believes a promise like that deserves to die. > > "Cross my skull and hope to die... again," said Murray. > > "Oh, all right," said Elaine, taking Murray. Crow: [Murray] Whoa, baby! > > After she left, Guybrush faced Dwarfbeard and said, "I think I'll explore > around a bit. Tom: [Guybrush] Try to remember what the hell we're supposed to be doing here. > It *was* a peaceful trip here." > > "All right but be careful," said Dwarfbeard. "Voodoo Islanders are very > unorthodox. I'll take a looksee around meself." Mike: [Dwarfbeard] See if any more smallpox lesions have turned up... Crow: Shouldn't Dwarfbeard be trying to find this friend of his? Tom: You still remember that bit? > > Guybrush ambled Tom: He's an amblin' man. > about the town and then peered into the sky. It was a > beautiful afternoon on Voodoo Island. He noticed a large mountain on the > island he had never perceived before, not even on his ship. The dormant > volcano, thought Guybrush. I'll keep my eye on that. Crow: Yeah, like it's gonna attack at any moment. > > He strolled Tom: Now he's strolling! Mike: Guybrush Threepwood - the man with a thousand gaits. > about the town again and noticed that every building was made > of sticks Crow: Voodoo Island was colonised by descendants of the Three Little Pigs. > decorated with torches or skulls through a spear. Then, he > noticed a store with a cauldron that spelled its name every time smoke > came out of it. He read that the store was called the Hex-agon. He noticed > as well that every time the smoke came out, the skulls underneath would > light their eyes. Mike: Guybrush made a mental note to buy better acid next time. > > "Very clever," said Guybrush. > > "Thanks, I came up with the idea," said one of the skulls. > > "Don't mind him," said a voice behind Guybrush. Tom: Voices can speak? > > Guybrush turned around and came face to face with a monkey. "Ahh!" he > cried. > > "Whoa, buddy! Crow: You know, I can picture a talking monkey, but I *really* can't see it saying "Whoa, buddy!"... > Don't tell me you haven't seen a talking monkey before." Mike: [Guybrush] Seen: yes. Heard: no. > > "To be honest, no," replied Guybrush nervously. Tom: [Guybrush, thinking] Is he trying to sell me something? I think he's trying to sell me something. > > "Tourists," mumbled the monkey. Tom: [Guybrush] What? > "My name's Duke." > > Guybrush shook hands with Duke Crow: [Guybrush] Smooth. Do you see a manicurist? > but felt very awkward doing so. He was > invited into the Hex-agon to start shopping for all of his voodoo needs. Tom: [Guybrush, thinking] I *knew* it... > > Guybrush scanned the store's items. > > Maybe they had a spray that keeps the undead away from you, thought > Guybrush. > > Then, he examined a shelf labelled "Food Ingredients". Tom: Why? Shelves aren't edible. > He found objects like dog ears, snake tongues, shark fins, and spider > abdomens. Crow: [Guybrush] Well, that's tonight's dinner taken care of. > Disgusted, he turned to the other shelf labelled "Cures". It > interested him but he found nothing of any importance there. Tom: [Guybrush] Cure for cancer? I don't have cancer. > > This could've been useful, thought Guybrush as he stared at a bottle of > "Ringmaster: For curing girlfriends from ring curses". All: Ewww! > After a little > while longer, he noticed a slot machine beside the door giving out a > drink called Voodew. Guybrush read the labels on the cans. Mike: I guess he's really got nothing better to do. > > VOODEW > CAPTURE THE ESSENSE Crow: Of bad spelling. > OF ANIMAL PARTS Tom: Mmm! Animal parts! Mike: I love the smell of animal parts in the morning. > WITH A DELIGHTFUL TOUCH OF > GROG AND FOR A LOW, LOW PRICE. Crow: Compared to something really expensive. > > "I guess it won't hurt... much... to try more voodoo products," said > Guybrush as he pulled out a coin and pushed it through the coin slot of > the machine. > > Two cans came down and it amazed Guybrush. Crow: Uh, Guybrush, you just paid for those. > Then, he finally noticed the > "Two for one" sign beside the machine. He bought two more and when he was > about to leave, Duke called to him. > > "Hey, you're Guybrush Threepwood," he started, "mighty pirate?" > > "Why, yes I am," said Guybrush in a heroic voice. Mike: Well, if you can picture Woody Allen on helium as heroic. > > "I got a package for you," he said. "If you'd follow me." Tom: [monkey] --you'd be a complete moron. Crow: [Guybrush, thinking] Hmmm. I'm in mortal danger and a talking monkey wants me to follow him into a dark room. [out loud] Duuuh, okay. > > Guybrush followed Duke through a door behind the counter. It was totally > dark and suddenly, he felt something smack across his head. He fainted and > fell down. Mike: Instead of fainting and remaining standing, like he usually did. > > *** > > Guybrush regained consciousness and felt his head. There was a bruise > there and it flared with pain when he touched it. He couldn't see a thing > in the room he was in. Then, he noticed his belongings were taken away > from him. Crow: [shaking] How?? It's *completely dark*!! > Suddenly, he heard a sound Tom: As opposed to seeing a sound. > from behind him. > > "Pssst!" said the voice. "Guybrush, it's Murray." > > "Murray?" > > "The hat prices were over the chart, so I left Elaine and rolled into > here." Crow: And just how did he get into a room Guybrush is supposed to have been *imprisoned* in? > > Guybrush turned round and saw Murray's eyes, illuminated by a healthy > voodoo glow. Mike: Just how healthy can you be when you're a skull? > He took Murray and held the skull out before him. > > "Guide me to the door," said Guybrush. > > "Wait!" cried Murray. "There's someone else here. It's a person to your > left." > > Guybrush turned and bent down. He saw a haystack with bones all over it. Tom: [Murray] Well, there *was* a person... > Slowly, he removed the hay Mike: But left the bones where they were. > until the face of a woman emerged. She had the > same colour of hair and eyes as he Crow: Who? > and as Guybrush removed more of the > hay, he discovered a round medallion hanging from her necklace. Suddenly, > the woman cowered away to a corner before Guybrush could examine the > medallion. Mike: Forget the woman - we've got a *medallion* to look at! > > "Don't be afraid," he said softly. "We won't hurt you." > > "At least he won't," said Murray. > > The woman stayed silent. Tom: If I was in this fanfic, so would I. > > "I was just wondering if I could see your medallion," said Guybrush. > "I'm no thief, just a pirate. Mike: Aren't they basically the same thing? > A mighty pirate." Tom: [Guybrush] As I keep telling everybody I meet. > > The woman advanced closer to Guybrush and Murray. Guybrush slowly > outstretched his other arm to take the medallion. Crow: I thought he just wanted to look at it! Tom: Guess we all know how far you can trust Guybrush. > When he reached it, he > held it close enough to him so that Murray's eyes could make out what was > on it. It was no medallion. Mike: [Guybrush] Awww, nuts! > There was a button on it and as Guybrush > pushed it, a disk opened to reveal a picture. Tom: [woman] Hey, that's private! > There was a man, a woman, > and a small girl. > > Oh dear lord, thought Guybrush. Those are my parents. But then, who's the > girl? He turned to the woman. "What's your name?" > > The woman hesitated and then said, "Greta." > > "Greta," repeated Guybrush. "Greta, do you remember your parents?" > > "Yes," replied Greta. "They were very joyful, but sad whenever I used to > say that I was their princess. Do you remember your family." Mike: [Greta] Do I sound in the least bit interested. > > Guybrush lowered his head. Tom: [sniff] Crow: Oh, the emotion. > "Boyhowdy yeah, All: [laugh] Mike: Kinda spoils the mood a bit. > but only a little. They > abandoned me and they're in your picture." Tom: [Guybrush] Which makes it *my* picture! Gimme gimme! > > Greta peered down at her picture. There she was with Mom and Dad. Then she > stared back up at Guybrush. Mike: [Greta] Umm... just how long is it since you've had a haircut? > He did resemble Dad just a bit. Crow : Her dad was a two-foot midget with green hair, but they *did* have the same nose. > > "Hi, sis," smiled Guybrush. Mike: [Greta, realizing] AAAAGH! > > Greta couldn't believe it. She had an older brother and wanted to get > acquainted with him as soon as possible. Crow: If you know what I mean... Mike: [warningly] No, Crow, I don't. > So, during the next two hours, Tom: They held a cribbage tournament! > they told of their past to each other. Greta was very amused by her > brother's bravery that defeated the Undead Pirate LeChuck three times. Mike: [Guybrush] Stop giggling! I'm serious! STOP IT!! > Likewise, Guybrush was very surprised of how he'd always lied of having a > sister when all along it was the truth. Tom: So, in fact, he never lied. > > Suddenly, there came a noise from outside. "Shut up in there, Threepwood! > You'll need the voice for when LeChuck comes." Crow: [voice] We're putting on a production of "The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat". You're playing the Pharoah! > It was Duke. > > "Oh yeah!" shouted Guybrush. Crow: [snicker] Nice comeback. > "Well, you're as repulsive as a monkey in a > negligee." Mike: Which is not nearly as repulsive as Rush Limbaugh in a negligee. > > "First of all," said Duke, "I am a monkey. Second," Tom: [Duke] Take a look at this white frilly number! > he opened a small > window beside the door and fitted a pistol through it, "I don't think > you're in the position for sea swordplay insults." > > "Well, you know what they say," said Guybrush, "your tongue has to be > twice as sharp as your sword." Mike: If I had a tongue twice as sharp as a sword I wouldn't need to spend so much on cutlery. > Immediately after his words, he threw > Murray at the window. > > Murray, totally surprised by Guybrush's actions, quickly tried to find > something to bite on before he broke his skull on the walls of the prison. Crow: [sobbing] But *why*? Guybrush threw him at the window, not the walls... Mike: Shh, Crow, it's okay. [to Tom] You seem to be handling this well. Tom: [worried] It's getting on top of me, Mike. I don't know how many more contradictions I can take... > He found Duke's hand Tom: [Murray] Is this yours? Crow: [Duke] Thanks! I was looking for that. > and bit it. The pistol dropped and Guybrush picked it > up Tom: Why not Duke, who was closer? > and took Murray back. > > "You're insane!" yelled Murray. "What did I ever do?" Crow: "What did I ever do? - confessions of a demonic skull. $16.99 rrp." > > "You got us this pistol," replied Guybrush. "Now to get out of this dump." Crow: What are you talking about? Lonely Planet gave it four stars! > > He shot the lock off the prison door, which was visible since the light > poured through the small window that Duke left open. Tom: I thought it was visible just like every other item in this *completely dark* room was visible!! > Guybrush kicked open > the door Mike: Hey, that thing opens, you know. > and beckoned Greta to come out. They found themselves behind the > store counter but Duke was not to be seen. > > Guybrush found the opportunity to be useful for searching the counter > while there was no one to stop him. Mike: He makes it sound like Guybrush is jumping on the parents' bed. > Opening numerous drawers, he found > nothing but paper and a banana. However, he took the banana just in case > it became useful. Tom: In case it *became* useful? Does he collect rotten bananas or something? Crow: I think this is leading to banana skins, and wackiness! > Then, he opened the last drawer and found his belongings. > > He buckled his cutlass, trapped his pistol between his belt and jacket, Mike: Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me? > and pocketed his Voodew soft drinks, his map, his CIA book, and his pouch > of coins. Then, Tom: The weight of all his belongings sent his pants crashing to the floor, and hilarity ensued! > he noticed a letter beneath the inventory. It read: Crow: Letters can read? > > *Duke, > Your skills as a bounty hunter have reached my ears. Tom: What's *that* supposed to mean? Mike: For some reason, I'm picturing a guy wearing a comedy arrow-through-the-head hat. > You have impressed me > and that is not an easy task. Mike: This guy must be a Russian gymnastics judge. > That is why I, the Ice Demon LeChuck, have a > favour to ask of you. I need you to capture a certain someone for me. His > name is Guybrush Threepwood. Crow: [letter writer] Stop laughing. > Once you acquire him, send him to me. Tom: All this trouble, just to get an extra employee... > Sincerely, Mike: Huh? Master criminals end their letters with "Sincerely"? > ID LeChuck* > > Duke must have taken Greta since she bore the same name. Tom: [Duke] Is your name Guybrush? Crow: [Greta] No, Greta. Tom: [Duke] Ehhh, starts with a G. Close enough. > He must've > thought he'd get more of a bounty if he captured the Threepwood offspring. > Guybrush and Greta Mike: Hansel and Gretel! > exited the Hex-agon and met with Elaine and Dwarfbeard > outside. Tom: Hmmm... you think... Greta and Dwarfbeard? > > Elaine frowned at Murray. "You left me all alone in that creepy hat store!" Crow: I'm sorry. A *creepy* *hat* store? > > "Sorry," said Murray. "I couldn't stay in a place like that. Besides, > some of the display heads were from my high school." Mike: Okay, I'll admit I dissected frogs in Biology, but that's a little disturbing... > > Dwarfbeard eyed Guybrush. "Where have ye been?" Tom: [Guybrush] Trying to find this *friend* of yours. Do you have any idea what we're doing on this island? > > "I was taken by a talking monkey named Duke. He worked for LeChuck." Crow: Now, he sleeps wit da fishes. > > "Talking monkey, eh?" said Dwarfbeard. "Where's he now?" > > "Gone," replied Greta. > > "And who might this be?" asked Elaine in an irritated tone. > > "Relax, Elaine," said Guybrush. "Elaine, Dwarfbeard, this is Greta > Threepwood, my sister." > > Elaine stayed silent. She always knew Guybrush lied about having a sister > but now, it turned out it was true. Crow: So if she knew Guybrush lied, why is seeing Greta such a shock?! Aargh! Mike: Actually, I think he means Guybrush lied that he *did* have a sister. Crow: I still don't like it. > She noticed the resemblance the two > had to each other. Dwarfbeard and Elaine shook hands with Greta and then > Guybrush reminded them that they still had to find Dwarfbeard's friend. Mike: [Elaine] Oh yeah, the plot. Nearly forgot... > > Dwarfbeard guided them through a quiet green jungle and to a trail leading > to the northern parts of the island. They travelled along the winding > trail until they arrived at a stone tower. Crow: Suddenly it's D&D! > > There was a window facing south and green smoke came from the pinnacle of > the tower. Before them was a curtain with torches on either side of it. > They threw the curtain aside and entered the tower. Finding themselves in > a deserted room, the group perceived stairs Tom: No they didn't! They *saw* them! What's wrong with *seeing* things? > leading to the top of the > tower. They climbed the winding staircase expecting bats to fly over their > heads or Crow: --other fantasy cliches. > disembodied eyes watching them; but all was calm. Finally, the > group arrived at the room that had the window Mike: A window? Classy. Crow: Must be the presidential suite. > and before them was a > cauldron of skeleton arms. From inside the cauldron, the green smoke > floated through the roofless pinnacle of the tower. Tom: They really should get some drier firewood. > > Guybrush curiously advanced closer to the cauldron. "Hello?" > > Suddenly, there was a blinding flash and when Guybrush opened his eyes, Crow: --he was blind. Tom: That'll happen. > there was a woman seated before him. She was plump with dark skin and had > a green bandanna wrapped around her head. A fur pelt covered her > shoulders and her blue gown reached down to her bare feet. > > "Guybrush Threepwood," she smiled, "it has been some time." Crow: Er, is this an ex-girlfriend or something? > > "Do I know you from somewhere?" asked Guybrush. Tom: I get it - acrimonious breakup. > > "As a matter of fact you do," replied the woman. "However, I can > understand your short-term memory. That's what happens when you get cursed > too much." Crow: Tom, I believe you're right. > > "What!" cried Guybrush. > > "Don't worry, it's not fatal," laughed the woman. Mike: [woman] Just crippling. Which leg don't you want? > "Talking helps. We met > on Melee Island where I told you of a voodoo antiroot that could destroy > ghosts. Later, I helped you make a voodoo doll of Largo LaGrande on Scabb > Island. Then, I helped you prepare for your journey to Blood Island by > supplying you information of a ring that could save Elaine from a pirate > curse." Tom: [thickly] So... much... exposition! Crow: Well, this fanfic might not be absorbing, but at least it's educational. > She peered behind Guybrush at Elaine. Mike: With her X-ray vision. > "Hello, Governor Marley." > > Elaine waved to the Voodoo Lady and smiled. Tom: Either the Voodoo Lady's senile, or Elaine's been lobotomised. Mike: Given all she's done so far, I'm suspecting the latter... > > Then, the Voodoo Lady gazed at Greta. "I see you've found family, > Guybrush. I foresaw your union." Crow: EWWWW!! Tom: So is this a slash fic, or what? Mike: Guys! It's just a Monkey Island fanfic. I don't think the author has incest on his mind. Crow: I'll wait and see on that one, Mike. > Lastly, she turned to Dwarfbeard. Mike: Since he was the least important member of the group. > "Is > something wrong?" > > "LeChuck may have the Witch Doctor's Treasure," started Dwarfbeard. "We > need more Tom: Pineapples! > information about it to save Guybrush from whatever danger is > to fall upon him." Mike: Could you possibly be a little more vague? > > "Well," smiled the Voodoo Lady, Mike: ...still high on the last dose of valium. > "the gauntlet was forged over 500 years > ago and was used by its maker to heal the wounded more effectively. Crow: Which, since it was the Dark ages, it could do by doing nothing at all. > However, it needed its Five Fingers for its powers. They are, in order > from thumb to pinkie, the Finger of Curing, the Finger of Healing, the > Finger of Life, the Finger of Breath, and the Finger of Blood. The most > mysterious was the Finger of Life, which was said to have resurrection > powers." Mike: Maybe it should have been used on this fanfic. > > "That's why LeChuck wants the gauntlet," said Guybrush. "He wants to > become alive again." Tom: "I mean once you're dead, people just don't want to know, right? They all act as if you've got some horrible disease..." > > "Wait!" cried the Voodoo Lady. "There's more to LeChuck's plan than just > mere resurrection. At the same time he's resurrected, you will die." Mike: Killed by a plot device: how ironic. > > "Then he must not have the Finger of Life yet," said Dwarfbeard. Tom: [sarcasm sequencer] Smart thinking, Dwarfbeard. Mike: Hey, in this group, that puts him in the Mensa category. > "And it's > in the hands of Nerdbeard! But we lost contact with him." > > "Clues left by the others will help you find him," said the Voodoo Lady. > > Guybrush and his friends thanked the Voodoo Lady, left the tower, > travelled back to the town, and boarded their ship. Tom: No detail, however trivial, shall be overlooked! > > > > Part Two: The Finger of Life > > The _Governor_ sailed away from Voodoo Island. Dwarfbeard had them plot a > course to Barnacle Island, where Wetbeard spent his last days. Tom: The local unit of currency is the day? > > The waters seemed to have calmed down and a steady wind blew. Guybrush > speculated Mike: On the bonds market. > that they should reach Barnacle by nightfall. > > Suddenly, Guybrush heard a wailing cry some distance ahead. He called > Frank, Crow: [phone noises] > who was in the crow's nest to see where the sound came from. Tom: You don't *see* sounds - you hear them! Doesn't *anybody* in this story know how to use their senses? > > Frank leaned over and squinted. Crow: Doesn't look like it. > "A ship!" he cried. Mike: [Frank] It's right below us... hang on, that's ours. > "Its sails are torn to > shreds but it still goes." > > "That's no ordinary ship," said Guybrush as Dwarfbeard halted beside him. > "It's a ghost ship. We must be getting too close to something LeChuck > doesn't want us to find out." He turned his head and gazed down at the > deck. "Man the cannons!" Mike: [Guybrush, sheepish] I always wanted to say that. > > *** > > Largo stared through the night with his voodoo eyes at the ship of the > living. Tom: I don't know if that's poetic or completely nonsensical. > > "Threepwood," he whispered. "He must know of the gauntlet. Well, this is > as far as he'll go." > > He steered the ship so that the cannons on his left faced Guybrush's ship. > Lowering his head down to the deck, Largo yelled, "Fire!" > > The response to his command was placed in the sound of blasting cannons as > Largo stared at his cannonballs striking the enemy ship. Tom: Ergh. I'm not even going to try parsing that. > > Onboard the _Governor_, the ship shook and Guybrush was almost flung to > his right. They had taken a direct hit from the three cannons of the enemy > at the bow. However, the reinforced armour plates held and damage was > reduced to a minimum. Mike: [Guybrush] You can't hurt us - we have the author on our side! > > He steered so that the _Governor_ sailed on towards the direction of the > starboard but at an angle so that they would reach the port of the enemy > ship. Mike: Huh? Tom: Say again? > Once they reached the stern of the ghost ship, the enemy's cannons > couldn't fire upon them Mike: But... Crow: What? > and, thankfully, they'd just arrived before the > cannons finished loading. Tom: Okay... Crow: Wake me up when it starts making sense. > > "Fire!" cried Guybrush. > > He observed his cannons thrust themselves Crow: Ewww! > through the port of the ghost > ship. To his aghast, the ghost ship took no damage! Mike: Well, you'd expect that. > Guybrush had to find > something that worked against ghosts to use on his cannonballs. Then, he > thought back to the time when he first met LeChuck. Tom: Their eyes met across the crowded dancefloor. Time slowed to a standstill... > > "Of course," snapped > Guybrush, "root beer! I first defeated LeChuck with root beer!" He faced > Greta, who was to his right, Tom: And Greta's position is *so* vital to the plot. > releasing his grip on the steering wheel. > "Take over." Crow: This story? Please! Take it over! > > *** > > Largo pivoted his ship to the direction of his stern. Tom: [confused] He pointed the ship in the direction it was already going? Crow: Umm... > He ordered the > cannons to be fired and watched as his artillery collided against the > enemy's walls. Mike: I believe it's called the hull. > Unfortunately, they completely missed their marks, which > were the enemy's cannons. Crow: Oh yeah, shoot the one thing on the ship that might withstand a cannonball and which is nearly invisible to boot... great plan, Largo. > Then, Largo steered the ship so that it collided > with that of the enemy. Tom: [Largo] If I can't win, we're both goin' down! > He saw Guybrush Threepwood taking a glimpse at him > and laughed. All: Heh heh. Ha. Ho. > > "It's no use, Threepwood!" he cried. "You're no match for the fleet of > LeChuck." Crow: Pity the fleet of LeChuck isn't actually there. > Then, he ran from the steering wheel and leapt across to the > other ship and before Guybrush. There, he drew his cutlass. Mike: I'll never understand modern art. > "I challenge > you to a deathmatch!" Tom: So they booted up Quake, and the fragfest began... > > Guybrush drew out his own cutlass. "Largo LaGrande, we meet again. > Challenge accepted." > > "Your microscopic brain is no match for my blade," cried Largo. > > "It would still be heavier than yours if you had them weighed," said > Guybrush as he advanced with his cutlass. > > Largo, taken off guard by the counter of his insult, Mike: Oh, come on! As if he hasn't heard it a thousand times before. > defended as best he could. He smiled, however, to have found a worthy foe. Tom: [Largo] I'm totally outclassed and I'm going to die. Isn't life great? > Patiently, he waited for Guybrush's insult. > > "Well," he said at length, Mike: Four letters of length. > "aren't you going to insult me?" Crow: I thought we already had... > > "I thought I was supposed to counter your insults," said Guybrush. > > "You mean you spent all this time thinking of Crow: [Largo] Pamela Anderson? Tom: Wow. No wonder Guybrush seems out of sorts. > counters and not insults?" > > "Well," started Guybrush, "it's happened to me twice already. Master > swordsmen insult me, I counter them until I win." Mike: He makes mortal combat sound so easy. > > "Boy, this is going to be easy," laughed Largo. He fought with much fury > and sent Guybrush's cutlass flying from his hand. Holding the tip of his > blade to Guybrush's chin, he said, "Checkmate." Mike: Now is *not* the time to be playing chess, Largo. > > "I don't think so, LaGrande," smiled Guybrush. "It seems you've fallen > into my trap. Mike: "So, Doctor Jones, you fell right into my trap!" > Look behind you." Tom: THAT'S the trap? Crow: [Largo] You idiot - I'm not falling for that one! > > Largo turned and saw that his ship was not there. He ran to the side and > saw his crew, ghost and skeleton alike, struggling to stay afloat. Mike: Yep, he's got a top-notch crew. Crow: I see Largo forgot to hand out the water wings. > The > duel was just to stall time. Suddenly, a cutlass fell on Largo's hand and > it, along with his own sword, fell to the sea. He turned round to see > Guybrush pointing his sword to his head. Tom: Whose head? Guybrush's or Largo's? Crow: [Guybrush] I can't take this fanfic anymore. I'm ending it right here... > > "Not even a ghost ship can stand against root beer bottles," smiled > Guybrush. Crow: And said, too. > "We had crates of them down below. Tom: But if they're down below, and Guybrush's ship is okay, then how'd the root beer get in contact with the ghost ship? Mike: Stop nitpicking. You're giving me a headache. > Now, about the voodoo > gauntlet... " Tom: [suspicious] What *about* it? > > "You'll get nothing from me, Threepwood," said Largo. "Not even if you > threatened to kill me." > > "Well what if I told LeChuck about your mutinous plans," smiled Guybrush. Crow: That's two in a row! Does everyone here semaphore with their teeth? > > "How did you know about them?" asked the astonished Largo. > > "I didn't, you just told me," Guybrush laughed. Mike: I'm glad someone's getting some enjoyment out of the story. > "But I thought you'd be > the type. Being killed by a mortal is one thing. However, being killed by > LeChuck is another. Wouldn't you agree?" All: No. > > "Alright!" cried Largo. "LeChuck's searching for the Finger of Life and he > knows who possesses it. He just doesn't know where it is. He sent me to > search for Dwarfbeard." > > "Well, here I am," said Dwarfbeard, walking into view from behind > Guybrush. Tom: He's been hiding behind Guybrush all this time? Crow: Must be very nimble. > > Largo cursed Mike: Hey, this is a family show! > and faced Guybrush again. "That's all I know!" > > Guybrush frowned. He knew Largo wasn't lying. Mike: How, you might ask? Who cares? > > "Well, you're without a ship and a crew. So, I'll be fair and let you join > them." > > "What!" cried Largo. But before he could react, Dwarfbeard tossed him > overboard into the sea with his crewmates. Tom: And these are the good guys! > > *** > > After a little while of sailing, land came into sight. The crew had > reached Barnacle Island. They saw neon lights of businesses on the island, Tom: Hmmm. Neon lights and pirates. Something's not right here... > which aroused more interest in them. Guybrush asked Elaine to register > them in the Dull Blade when they docked. Crow: Why can't he do it himself? Tom: I don't think Guybrush has ever done anything himself in his whole life. > > The night was cool on Barnacle Island and a full moon shown. Guybrush felt > like taking a little stroll along the streets with his sister before going > to the hotel. Tom: Too bad Greta didn't feel the same way. > As they traveled, Greta told everything she remembered about > her parents to Guybrush. Then, he felt alone all of a sudden. Tom: Greta had finally done a runner. > > "After all, you're the one they kept," said Guybrush. Mike: He's making them sound like a couple of puppies. > > Greta placed an arm around Guybrush and rested her head on his shoulder. Crow: [whistles innocently] Mike: I'm praying you're wrong, Crow... > Guybrush kept on walking silently through the lit streets of the city. He > suddenly noticed a small hut with a sign saying "Myopica". > > He and Greta decided to enter the store and advanced towards the door, > which was surprisingly small. They entered the empty shop and browsed > around. Tom: [Greta] Why are we browsing in an empty shop? > There was a counter with a small stool behind it and a door behind > that. A shelf was located on each wall with large selections of monocles. > > Guybrush spotted a service bell and punched it. Crow: [Guybrush] Take that! > Then, a small ring sounded > and the door behind the counter opened. A short man with red hair came > out. He wore a white shirt with chequered overalls and on his left eye > was, of course, a monocle. All: Of course! > > "May I help you?" asked the man. > > "Wally!" smiled Guybrush. Crow: Guybrush's smile is getting far too many lines in this fanfic. > "It's me, Guybrush Threepwood!" Tom: [Guybrush] I announce my name to everyone I meet, even those who are supposed to be close friends! > > "Mr. Wood!" cried Wally. All: [snickering] Tom: Those old fraternity nicknames do have a tendency to stick... Mike: It's still better than "Mr. Brush". > "How are things with Elaine?" Mike: You know, things. Stuff. > > "They couldn't be better." Tom: [singing] She's under my thumb... > > Wally suddenly noticed Greta. Crow: [getting annoyed] What's with all this "suddenly noticing" stuff? Does everyone in this fanfic have Attention Deficit Disorder or something? > "Then, who is she?" Crow: [Wally] Where'd you pick her up? She doesn't look like one of the local prostitutes... Mike: Crow... > > "Oh," Guybrush cleared his throat. Mike: And hacked a great gob of phlegm onto Wally's head. Crow: [Guybrush] Oops! Sorry. > "Wally Bloodnose Feed, this is my > sister, Greta Threepwood." > > Wally stared wide-eyed at Guybrush and then to Greta. "Sister?" Tom: [Wally] You mean she's available? > He ran > from the counter All: [British] Run away! Run away! > and shook Greta's hand. "Pleasure to meet you!" Mike: I guess Wally doesn't get the opportunity to meet many girls. > > "Same here," smiled Greta. > > Wally turned back to Guybrush. "So, Mr. Wood, how does it feel to find > your sister?" > > "Very surprising," replied Guybrush. Tom: "Very surprising"?!? > He recounted how he and Greta met > and why he was on Barnacle Island. Then, he saw Wally shudder Crow: In horror at the terminally long exposition, the implausible action, the tepid characterization... > at the > mention of LeChuck. "So how's Haggis doing?" Crow: Is this really relevant to your situation, Guybrush? Mike: It's relevant to the author's aim of dragging every bit character into the plot. > > "Mr. McMutton?" asked Wally. "Oh, he, Mr. Bill, and Mr. Van Helgen are > doing great Mike: "They're selling out stadium after stadium in Europe!" > at the barber business. They have a new shop set up here > called 'The Cutlass Quartet'." > > "You mean they finally got a new member for their barbershop quartet?" > asked Guybrush in an astonished tone. Tom: Oh yes, very astonished. Can't you just hear it? > > "Yes," nodded Wally. "He can take up the voices of three singers!" > > "Fascinating!" said Guybrush. He suddenly realised that he had to get > going. Crow: He suddenly realised that Wally was very boring. > "Well, goodnight, Wally. Great meeting you again." Tom: I have a different opinion on that. > > "You too, Mr. And Ms. Wood," said Wally. "Good luck with LeChuck." > > The Threepwoods, Mike: They're married? Tom: I don't like the way this is going... > once outside of Wally's shop, saw another shop that > caught their attention. Crow: "We might be in mortal danger, but there's a *shop* here!" > There was a bright sign that read "Stan's Previously Owned Keys". As > Guybrush observed it Tom: *SAW* it! > he thought, Oh dear lord, no. Mike: The Good Lord is getting a few mentions in this fanfic. > Despite his reluctance > to enter Stan's store, he didn't want to leave him out. Mike: Or at least, the author didn't. > > They entered the > store and a man quickly came towards them. He had a blue chequered shirt > and a large hat. Tom: At home in his wardrobe, but that's not important right now. > As he talked, his arms moved up and down and he > continually tapped his foot. Mike: For those of you who have never played Monkey Island, that was a brief recap of Stan's physical mannerisms. Now, back to the story. > > "Howdy! Welcome to Stan's Previously Owned > Keys!" he cried. "Guybrush Threepwood, I haven't see you since the > wedding." Tom: [Stan] One whole year - I knew it was too good to last. > > "Hi, Stan," said Guybrush. "Meet my sister, Greta." > > "Sister, eh?" said Stan. "Hello, dolly. Oh, I shouldn't say that, I'm > married! I'm Stan the Salesman. Can I interest you in a set of keys?" Crow: Mike, the actual Monkey Island games don't have dialogue as bad as this, do they? Mike: I didn't think so, but I'm starting to reconsider... > > Guybrush gazed at the key selection. There were shelves of keys and one > shelf had key cards, which were divided into two categories: Imperial and > Rebel. Crow: A Monkey Island/Star Wars crossover?? How dumb does the author think we are? Mike: Actually, most LucasArts games do contain Star Wars references... Crow: Shut up. > However, the keys behind Stan's desk were the only ones that caught > his attention. Tom: I'm starting to think "Guybrush's Attention" is a character in its own right. > > "What're those?" he asked. Crow: Keys. Weren't you paying attention? > > "Sorry, those aren't for sale," said Stan. "Their keys Mike: Whose keys? > to every door of > every building on every island I've ever been, if you must know." Tom: It's a plot device keyring! > > "Well, you'd better keep good care of it instead of just leaving it on a > hook. It's very insecure," said Guybrush. Crow: Guybrush Threepwood: Pirate and Security consultant. > > "Nonsense!" cried Stan. "It's protected by a state-of-the-art security > system. Watch. Tom: It's protected by a watch? > Lasers will detect any sign of movement and enclose > intruders in a container until I deactivate it. Allow me to demonstrate." > Stan took out a remote from his coat and pushed a button. Then, he > advanced towards the keys. Suddenly, a portion of the ceiling fell over > him, Tom: [Stan] Ow! Mike: It didn't have anything to do with the security system - Stan's shop is just in really bad shape. > trapping him inside. "See? What did I tell you?" > > Guybrush quickly took the ring of keys as the ceiling portion lifted. Stan > gave out a gasp Crow: [Stan] Here you go - this one's on the house. > when he realised his keys were gone. Tom: I'll have to hotwire the car! > > "Where are they?" he cried. Crow: [groaning] Stan doesn't even have half a brain. He's got zilch of a brain. > > "I saw a sinister-looking guy come in and take them," said Guybrush. > > Stan sighed. "Well, luckily I got this set of copies made." He pulled out > another ring of keys identical to the ones Guybrush took. Crow: Hooray! Stan comes out even. I'm so glad. Mike: Could have done with a little sarcasm there, Crow. Crow: Sorry. My inflection's a little out of whack. > > *** > > Guybrush and Greta finally sauntered towards the Dull Blade. Crow: Ooh... sauntering! Stylish. > It was a tall > building with many windows. Mike: --for suicidal guests to jump out of. > As they entered, they found themselves in a > plaza covered with scarlet carpet. A counter was before them with stairs > beside it and above was a chandelier. Guybrush strolled over to the > registration counter. Tom: He perambulated. He paced. He trudged. He strode. He- Mike: We get the picture. > > "Threepwood," he said. Mike: No, *you're* Threepwood. That's the clerk. > > The man behind the counter scanned his registration book. "Ah, yes, > Threepwood. You're registered in Room 61." Crow: [man] Enjoy your stay... [chuckles evilly] > > "Where would that be?" asked Guybrush. > > "Sixth floor, first room to your left," replied the man. Tom: Aah, the pivotal "asking directions" scene. I'm glad I saw this bit. > > Guybrush and Greta climbed the stairs and once they reached their room, > they found the door opened. Crow: [Guybrush] We've been robbed! Mike: You already did that one. > As they entered, they marvelled at the > apartment. There was a large glass patio door before them and beside that > were two beds. Their blankets were scarlet and the sheets and pillows were > pearl white. Tom: Nice colours... like sleeping in a giant mouth. > Opposite to the beds was a washroom where Elaine stood, > astonished. Tom: At what? The washroom? > Beside the beds was a wardrobe which the Men of Low Moral > Fibre (Pirates) examined. Crow: [Pirates] Any unusual aches or pains? > Beside the door was a table where Dwarfbeard sat > studying Frank's map. Mike: The Geography test was tomorrow. > Murray rested his skull on the couch beside the > washroom door. Crow: Maybe he can tell us what's so astonishing about the washroom. > > "What are you doing, Dwarfbeard?" asked Guybrush. Tom: Studying the map. Weren't you reading? > > "I'm going over the islands," replied Dwarfbeard. "Wetbeard stayed at > this hotel when we left him, Reekbeard and Fakebeard settled on Phatt > Island, and then there's Nerdbeard. I don't know where he could've gone > off. Mike: Check the expiry date. > We last saw him sail off between the waters of Skull and Melee > Island." > > "Then that's where we will look," said Guybrush. > > "True," said Dwarfbeard, "but where exactly?" > > The crew put the matter to rest and went to sleep. Elaine and Guybrush in > one bed, Crow: Hmmm... > Greta in the other, Mike: Good. > the Men of Low Moral Fibre (Pirates) and > Murray on the couch, Crow: Is it really wise to leave the Men of Low Moral Fibre together on the couch? Mike: What are you suggesting, Crow? Crow: [innocently] Nothing... > and Dwarfbeard at the table. Tom: Wouldn't the carpeted floor be more comfortable? Crow: [Dwarfbeard] Friggin' hero's sister gets a bed to herself, but oh no, I've got to sleep on the friggin' table... > > *** > > After the crew woke up, Tom: They immediately gave up this crazy journey and went home? Mike: It says 'woke up', not 'came to their senses'. > they started the search for Wetbeard's room. > However, there was no way the registration counter would still have his > record. Guybrush wanted to see some old friends before he searched and he > left the hotel. Crow: You know what I think? I think Guybrush is using this "mortal threat" as an excuse to go on holiday. > > He strolled through the city until he caught sight of the Cutlass Quartet Mike: --on a rooftop, doing a belting rendition of "Baby on Board". > among a row of buildings. There was a sign above the door with a picture > of two cutlasses forming a pair of scissors. Pushing the door open, he > entered and standing before him was a three-headed monkey. Tom: Just like that! Crow: Your everyday three-headed monkey. No big deal. > Guybrush gasped > when he laid eyes on it. Was it the same one he saw on Monkey Island a > long time ago? Mike: And do we care? > Suddenly, a large man with a red beard and a kilt Tom: It's Groundskeeper Willy! > peered > over the monkey at Guybrush. > > "Guybrush Threepwood!" he cried. "Lads, 'tis our old friend Cap'n > Guybrush!" Mike: Guybrush Threepwood stars in "Attack of the Mutant Accents"! > > From behind the monkey came two other men. One thin and with a long > moustache, the other was short and plump and had a peg leg. Crow: [whimpering] Here it comes. Another scene of pointless dialogue and contrived plot points. How far has this thing to go? Mike: Quite a way yet. Crow: [whimpers] > > "Ahoy there, Guybrush!" cried the thin man. "How have you been?" > > "Fine, Edward." > > "You've grown," said the short man. Tom: [short man] As you can see, I haven't. > > "Er, thanks, Bill," said Guybrush. He pointed at the monkey. "Look in > front of you, a three-headed monkey!" All: [weak laughter] Crow: It hurts... > > "Aye," said the large man. "He's the fourth of our barber shop quartet." Tom: The fourth *what*? Fan? Manager? Instrument? > > "A monkey, Haggis?" asked Guybrush. Crow: Monkey haggis? Mike: I feel ill... > > "Aye." > > "He be a fine singer," said Edward. "Fills the voices of three singers he > does." Tom: [Edward] Okay, three incomprehensible, screeching, tone deaf singers, but it's still impressive. Crow: It's a triple Alanis Morisette! Mike: AARGGH! > > "He does," said Cutthroat Bill. "Name's Ooky." All: [click fingers] > > The monkey jumped about and slipped away. Crow: Is he a monkey, or a frog? > Guybrush ambled Tom: What's wrong with *walking*, Guybrush? Why don't you *walk* somewhere occasionally? Mike: You okay, Tom? > into the small > shop and found the barber pirates' collection of pictures of different > hairdos. As well, they brought their old barber chair with the elevating > handle. Mike: Surprising of them, considering how this is a *barber shop*! > Beside the chair, holding a pair of scissors, was Ooky. > > Oh no, thought Guybrush. "Don't tell me that monkey's the barber." All: That monkey's the barber. Crow: They're just handing us the riffs now. > > "No, of course not," said Haggis. "We're all barbers. But today's > Wednesday, so it's Ooky's turn to cut. Tom: So, he *is* the barber! Mike: Black is white in this fanfic world. > He can do a fine French braid. > Want him to eyeball yer hair?" Mike: Look at his hair? Ooky's probably already doing that. > > "No," started Guybrush, "thanks." Tom: And "No thanks" sums up my whole response to this fanfic. > > Guybrush asked Haggis if he heard of a man named Wetbeard. Haggis' > response was to Guybrush's expectations Crow: Which were? > and he said he hadn't heard of > such a man. Mike: Speech, we need some actual speech! > Suddenly, Edward came to Guybrush with a surprised look. Tom: [Edward] I found it in the corner. Is it yours? > > "Wetbeard?" he asked. "He and I met at sea a few years ago. He was a fine > pirate but sadly he retired that same day." Mike: Coincidence... or NOT? > > "Really? Do you know what room he registered in at the Dull Blade?" asked > Guybrush. > > "No," replied Edward. "We were at sea, boy. How could I have known? All he > said was there's a tub of gold waiting for him." Tom: Yep, that's all he ever said. You'd go up to him in the morning, he'd say "There's a tub of gold waiting for me" over and over. Guy kinda had trouble making friends... > > "Thanks, Edward!" said Guybrush as he zoomed out of the Cutlass Quartet > back to the Dull Blade. Tom: If I were a member of the Cutlass Quartet, I'd be a little miffed at the speed of that exit. > > He found Elaine in the lobby and told her what he had found out. Then, > Guybrush raced towards the registration counter. > > "Do you have one of those rooms with a golden tub here still open?" > > "Golden tub?" asked the man behind the counter. "Oh yes. There's only one > such room in this hotel. Mike: How conveeeeeenient. > But it's occupied, sorry." > > Guybrush asked for the number and said it was a friend that was in the > room. "A friend?" asked the man. "Very well, he's in Room 45." All: [groan] Mike: Maybe aliens have dumbed down the earth's population recently. Tom: Wouldn't the clerk at least ask for the friend's name? > > Guybrush and Elaine called the others and together, they found Room 45 > with its door unlocked. Cautiously, Guybrush opened it and found the room > empty. Mike: [hums Mission Impossible theme] > He noticed the door to the washroom was closed and knocked on it. > There was no answer. Then, he called and heard water moving. Finally, a > voice answered him. > > "Who is it?" > > Guybrush recognised the voice. "Herman Toothrot!" Mike: Oh great. Another cameo. Crow: That makes, what, seventy-five so far? > > "Guybrush Threepwood?" The door opened and an old man in rags came out. > "It *is* you!" Then, he turned to Dwarfbeard. "Hello, Dwarfbeard." His > eyes narrowed and his voice deepened. Mike: [Blofeld] We meet again, Mr. Bond. > > "Hello, Toothrot," said Dwarfbeard in a similar fashion. Tom: [Seinfeld] Hello, Newman... > > "What are you doing here?" demanded Herman. > > "None of yer ear wax, which you got plenty o'," replied Dwarfbeard. > > "Yeah, yer just jealous 'cause I found Monkey Island first!" said Herman. > > "Ye keeps tauntin' me, Toothrot," started Dwarfbeard, "an' I'll be forced > to draw me cutlass." Tom: [Dwarfbeard] And I can't draw for peanuts, so it'll look *terrible*! > > "Draw away, you ponderous exoskeleton," said Herman. Tom: [Herman] Can't be any worse than the wallpaper. > > "Enough!" cried Guybrush. All: You said it! > "Herman, have you seen anything unusual about > your washroom?" > > "No," replied Herman, "except for the skeleton found in it. I placed it > in the wardrobe." Crow: Uh... okay. Tom: Things you'd rather not find out about your neighbours. > > Guybrush immediately ran to the wardrobe and opened it. There was a grimy > skeleton inside with a wet beard coming from his skull. Crow: It hasn't dried? Tom: Must be a leak in the ceiling. > A book was held in > its bony fingers and Guybrush was forced to rip out the skeleton's hands > to take the book. Mike: Let me guess - if Wetbeard wasn't dead, Guybrush would have been "forced" to kill him, too. > It was Wetbeard's diary and Guybrush read the last > entry. > > *June 23, > My pirating days are over and I've seen much. But I must prepare for my > last days for when I step into the water of the Dull Blade's golden tub, I > shall remain there and die. There shall be no better comfort in dying as I > did. Mike: Why, nothing is as comforting as sweet, sweet Death! This message brought to you by the Death Council. > Unlike Nerdbeard, he took the Finger of Life from the voodoo gauntlet > we found years ago and set out to sea with it. His doom will be merciless > when tonight's storm comes.* > > "So his ship sank," said Guybrush. "But where?" > > "We'll find that out on Phatt Island," said Dwarfbeard. "We've got the > first piece of the puzzle." The crew left Herman's room but, as Dwarfbeard > was about to depart, he peered back at Herman. "Bum." > > Herman blew a raspberry at Dwarfbeard and closed the door to his washroom. > Then, he sang and it drove Dwarfbeard away in great disgust. Mike: [Herman] MMMBop... Bots: NO! > > *** > > The _Governor_ sailed away from Barnacle Island and made its way to Phatt > Island. It would take them until late noon to reach there unless the wind > would blow more. If anything could add to their luck, it would be no more > sea combats with the undead. > > Guybrush sat in his table studying Wetbeard's diary in the captain's room. > Nerdbeard could have sunk anywhere between the waters of Skull and Melee. > He must have spent hours racking his mind over the matter Mike: [author] Sorry, I don't have a precise idea how long... > because Greta > suddenly opened the door and announced that they arrived at Phatt Island. > > When Guybrush exited the captain's room, he found that they were docked > near the wharf. All: Duh! > He saw the old Phatt prison where he was locked up more > than a year ago. Then, he noticed that his "wanted" poster was still on > the wall of the prison. He had to disguise himself but before he could do > so, a guard came up to him. > > "You!" he cried. He took out his pistol and stared at Guybrush through his > golden helm. "You're under arrest!" > > Guybrush and his crew Tom: --rapidly overpowered the lone guard and went about their business. Mike: Nice try. > were led by a squadron of guards behind the prison > to a path that led out of Phatt City. Then, they travelled through a > jungle, emerald Mike: [timid] Red? > green Mike: Phew. > and flourishing with life, until they reached > another path that led them to a closed gate. The guard before them > unlocked the gate and led the prisoners along the path until they climbed > a few stairs to a large door of a mansion. The guards then led only > Guybrush inside the mansion, up the stairs, and to Governor Phatt's room. Crow: You know, I DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT THE FRIGGIN WAY TO PHATT'S ROOM! > > It was as he remembered. There was a small table with a mirror laid with > spoiled victuals. Tom: Mmmm... vittles! > Before him was the elephantine bed where Governor Phatt > lay, bloated as a balloon. Crow: A very heavy balloon, presumably. > His large feet appeared at the end of the bed. All: SHAZAM! > > Governor Phatt spat out his words. Tom: Guess he's having trouble "eating" them! Ha! > "Threepwood! I've got you at last! I've > nothing to do with LeChuck this time. You're mine and I shall have you > punished as I see fit." Crow: He's gonna make him read this story! Mike: Too cruel. > > "What did I do?" asked the bewildered Guybrush. > > "Switched my books," replied Phatt. "I had a sheet of my favourite recipes > in that book you took. And what's worse, the book you gave me had ripped > out pages of recipes!" He turned his eyes to the guard, unable to move his > multi-chinned head. "Take him away!" > > The guard led Guybrush to the door but Guybrush spun round and pointed a > finger at Phatt. > > "I'll be *back*!" Mike: He's been practising that dramatic exit for years. Tom: I don't think it was worth it. > > *** > > Guybrush and his crew were locked in two cells, side by side, Tom: Gee, that's considerate of the guards. > and their > possessions were confiscated, placed in envelopes above a counter. Each > cell only had one bed and there were at least four to a cell. Crow: And so that night-- Mike: Stop right there. > Guybrush, > Elaine, Greta, and Dwarfbeard were locked in one cell while the Men of > Low Moral Fibre (Pirates) and Murray were locked in the second where a > skeleton lay. However, it was missing its tibia. Tom: Poor little critter. > > "I finally find a decent body but it has to have a missing bone!" All: [ahem] > complained Murray. > > "Fine," sighed Guybrush, "take half of its body. Frank, help him." > > Frank removed the ribcage of the skeleton along with its arms and attached > it to Murray. Murray turned his head, bent it back, and moved his arms and > fingers. He laughed with joy to finally have more of a body. Tom: Or at least he would have, if he had vocal cords. Mike: Tom, we've gotten this far into the story with a talking skull. Why start now? > Guybrush > smiled and said he earned his trust. Murray still had to have people carry > him but he could now walk with his arms. Crow: And talk with his sternum. Tom: And clap with his coccyx. Mike: And kick with his eardrums. > > Guybrush turned from Murray to the door of the prison. Mike: And now, for his next trick, Guybrush will solve world poverty. > There was a guard > with a pistol outside. Suddenly, Guybrush remembered Stan's keys. Tom: Okay, he's obviously going to use them to get out, but how does he know Stan's been imprisoned on Phatt Island? > But they > were in one of the envelopes. He could only try to take one without making > the guard suspicious, but which one? There were eight envelopes and Stan's > keys could only be in one of them. Guybrush placed his hands on his hips > and sighed. Suddenly, he felt something in his pocket. All: Ewwww! > The guards hadn't > taken his small pouch of coins! Mike: The guards didn't want anything to do with Guybrush's groinal area, and frankly, I don't blame them. Tom: "Groinal area"? > > Guybrush took the pouch out and revealed a gold coin. He called Elaine to > take another. Crow: Err... does that mean Elaine has a coin pouch too? Mike: Hard to say. > Together, they flipped the coins Mike: Enjoying a friendly game of Two-Up. > and watched them strike the > envelopes. The guard noticed them and came to the prison cell door. > > "Hand over the pouch, Mr. Threepwood," he said, putting out his hand. > > Guybrush quickly hatched a new plan. "Why have the pouch when you can have > the money in it?" He emptied all of his pieces o' eight into the guard's > large hand. > > The guard stared down at the numerous coins and started counting them. > Then, Tom: Two weeks later, the guard reached "Two". > Elaine took hold of the guard's helm and pulled his head to the cell > bars. The guard fell unconscious and the coins dropped. Elaine tried to > get the keys but it was too far. Guybrush faced Murray and smiled. > > "Lend me your arm," he said. > > "Oh, I'm not falling for that!" laughed Murray. He pointed at Guybrush > with his right arm and mocked him. Mike: That's our hero - even half skeletons give him the finger. > > Guybrush took hold of the arm and pulled half of it off. "Thanks!" > > "Hey! My arm!" > > "You'll get it back, don't worry," said Elaine. Crow: What the- "He pulled my arm off!" "Oh, don't worry, you'll get it back." > > Guybrush reached for the keys with the help of Murray's arm and once they > were close enough to the prison bars, Greta took them. Guybrush reattached > Murray's arm as Greta unlocked the door. After they regained their > possessions, the crew found the prison easy to abscond and made for the > _Governor_. However, lying in their way was Governor Phatt accompanied by > six other guards, three on each side of his bed. > > "Escaped, have you?" said Phatt. Mike: He sounds pretty amiable about it. > "You are a worthy opponent, Threepwood. Crow: Worthy enough for Governor Phatt... that's not much of a compliment. > But let's see just how worthy you are. Mike: [Wayne and Garth] We're not worthy!! > I challenge you to a fishing > contest. All: A *WHAT??* > If you can catch a bigger fish than I can, you'll be set free. Mike: I'd just like to take this opportunity to point out that this whole plot point, along with numerous others, has been lifted straight from Monkey Island II. Thank you. > However, > if my catch is bigger, then you shall spend the remainder of your life in > my prison." Mike: [Phatt] Yes, the same prison you escaped from in five minutes. Tom: I don't know much more stupidity I can take... > > Guybrush hesitated. The stakes were high. However, he accepted with a > smile. Tom: [Guybrush] A *fishing contest*? God, the guy's nuts... > Phatt and Guybrush were each given fishing poles and bait. Guybrush > took his bait and placed it in his pouch of coins. Then, he placed the > small bag on the hook. Crow: Completely shielding the bait from the water, rendering it useless. > Finally, the contest began. > > Phatt and Guybrush threw their poles into the water and waited. Suddenly, > Guybrush felt a tug on his pole Crow: You know, that line could be interpreted so many-- Mike: Crow! > and he hauled in a large fish. Phatt's > eyes widened Tom: As one of the guards goosed him. > and then he became enraged. Tom: [Phatt] *No one* gooses the Governor of Phatt Island! > > "Seize them!" he cried. > > "Fine, have it," said Guybrush. He threw the fish on Phatt's stomach. Mike: *On*? What, is Governor Phatt lying down? Tom: I don't think Phatt's taking this fishing contest seriously. Crow: Would you? > > The combined weight of Phatt and the fish was too much for the wharf's > thin surface. Tom: But the fish was already on the wharf! Guybrush was holding it! Mike: Don't question. Just accept. > It groaned Mike: Even the *wharf* is ashamed to be in this fanfic. > and then gave way. Governor Phatt fell under the > dock and his six escorts looked back. While the guards were distracted, > Guybrush and his crew manned their ship and slowly started sailing away. > Governor Phatt yelled at the guards to shoot them but as they did, their > bullets ricocheted off the _Governor_ like raindrops. Tom: [puzzled] They splatted on the surface and ran together into puddles? Crow: Must be made of jelly. > > Onboard, the crew debated a location to land on the island. Mike: What's wrong with the beach? > They couldn't > let Governor Phatt drive them off. Crow: Sure they can. > Dwarfbeard made clear that Reekbeard > and Fakebeard didn't die in the city because they were in a cottage. Tom: What if the cottage was in the city? > There was only one cottage Guybrush could remember on Phatt Island and > it's skeleton wasn't Reekbeard nor Fakebeard. It had to be hidden, maybe. Mike: "Had to be... maybe". Oh yeah, we're sounding really full of confidence here. > However, there could be nowhere in the jungle for them to live. After much > debate, Mike: Which hasn't been shown, so it must be even more boring than this exposition. Bots: [shudder] > they decided to let Guybrush guide them to Rum Roger's cottage. > > The crew set anchor on a beach of an isle and descended upon a ladder to > the surface. Then, Crow: Something interesting happened! > they raced up a hill to a small cottage. Before the > building was a statue of a figurehead. Crow: Eh? Is it a statue, or is it a figurehead? Mike: Both, apparently. Crow: But... > It was a grotesque monkey with its > arm reaching out. > > "Hey, I know that figurehead!" cried Murray. "It was my ship's back in the > days when I was among the living. Tom: What's he talking about? He's surrounded by the living now! Mike: Well, it is rather hard to tell... > I remember we used the figurehead to > hold flag messages on its arm. Let me pull it." > > Frank lifted Murray until he was within reach of the statue's arm. He > pulled it down and the statue shifted back. A flight of stairs was > revealed leading down to a dark tunnel. They descended upon the stairs and > entered the passageway. > > Murray guided them through Tom: Why, has he been here before? > until they reached a turn where lights could be > seen ahead and a stench grew. Mike: To a height of eight feet. > When they followed the curve, Tom: [Homer] Mmmmmm, curvy... > they found > themselves in a small room Mike: [everyone] Well, waddaya know? We're in a small room! > with a window on each side facing the sea. Tom: All four sides? So, what, they're underwater? > There was a shelf beside the entrance and a couch before them. On the > couch sat two skeletons with beards on their skulls. Mike: If your coworker's idea of a good practical joke involves hanging fake beards on skulls, it's time to change jobs. > The stench came from > the beard of the skeleton on the left. The other's beard was falling off > his skull. Tom: Man, these skulls have really let themselves go! > Both had their diaries by their side and Guybrush took hold of > them. Unable to stand another moment among the smell, Greta Crow: Quietly suggested to Guybrush that perhaps he might like to take a bath. > pleaded to go > back first. The crew agreed and when they withdrew from the tunnel system, > Guybrush read Reekbeard's diary. Crow: Why didn't Guybrush go with them? Mike: Now he's just being sneaky. > > *May 19, > Fakebeard and I decided that the time has come when our lives should end. > 'Tis a sad moment but it would eventually come. And it's better than > Nerdbeard's doom, anyway. My last words shall be to recount the moment > when Nerdbeard sailed off into the Rhombus of Fire-* > > Guybrush found the rest of the entry useless. Mike: The last words of a dying man *useless*? Crow: This story grows more and more disturbing. > He just had to find out the > range of the Rhombus. Mike: After all, time was pressing, and that soppy emotional stuff wasn't helping them find the treasure! Tom: They're not after treasure-- Mike: You know what I mean. > He read Fakebeard's diary. > > *May 21, > This shall be my last entry. I shall depart side by side with my good > friend, Reekbeard. I've even overcome his stench, which shall be a > remembered achievement to me in the afterlife. Tom: "Fakebeard: Developed an uncanny resistance to bodily odours." Crow: Yep, I can see how that's going to be an important skill in the afterlife. > I received a letter from > the monk that translated the scroll of the voodoo gauntlet I found years > ago. It seemed Nerdbeard entrusted to him the Finger of Life. Well, that's > the last bit of news I shall hear, for my time has come.* > > Guybrush couldn't believe it. Nerdbeard gave the finger away to someone > that will take forever to find unless they find Nerdbeard's ship. Tom: Which has turbo boosters! Crow: Cool! > They boarded the _Governor_ and set sail. > > *** > > Dwarfbeard mapped out the Rhombus of Fire to Guybrush. Apparently, it was > between the islands of Skull and Melee. The range covered from 16 to 22 > degrees north Tom: A whole six degrees of latitude? That's over four hundred miles! > and 71 to 80 degrees west. Tom: Plus six hundred miles of longitude... > Guybrush studied the map > carefully. Nerdbeard's ship could've sunk anywhere between the Rhombus. Crow: [Guybrush] Might as well give up. > Then, he faced Dwarfbeard. > > "We still haven't read your diary," he said. Mike: What is it with this recurring peeping-in-diaries motif? Tom: I'd rather not know, Mike. > > "And ye ain't gonna," said Dwarfbeard. "It's my diary." > > "Well, maybe it contains the last clue we need to find Nerdbeard's ship," > said Guybrush. Tom: Wouldn't Dwarfbeard already know if it did? > "You read it and then tell me." > > To that, Dwarfbeard agreed. He entered his cabin and came back a few > moments later. Mike: Must be a short diary. > He explained to the crew that one part of the entry > describing his last day with the other pirates stated that Nerdbeard said > some sort of riddle to him. Tom: [shudders] That's one massive hero sandwich of a sentence... > > Dwarfbeard drew on a blank sheet of paper symbols Nerdbeard used for his > riddle. There was a rhombus with numbers surrounding it. A line from the > bottom right of the rhombus elevated until it stopped at the number 18. > Beside the rhombus was written "A=1296". > > Guybrush turned to Dwarfbeard. "What kind of riddle is that?" he laughed Tom: I pour scorn on your puny riddle! > > "Hey, we couldn't solve it," said Dwarfbeard. > > "Well, it's only a little math," said Greta. Crow: Hooray, math! This fanfic's got everything! > "The rhombus suggests Tom: Oh, so it's an INTELLIGENT rhombus? > Nerdbeard sailed into the Rhombus of Fire All: Duh! > while the numbers indicate the > range of the Rhombus. Nerdbeard gave the area of the rhombus using 18 as > his altitude. Tom: Eighteen what? > All you have to do is divide the area to the altitude and > you get 72 as your answer." Tom: Seventy-two what?! > > "No wonder," said Elaine. "Dwarfbeard and the other pirates didn't know > math. Crow: [Dwarfbeard] Hey! Mike: [Elaine] Nothing personal. > That's why Nerdbeard chose this riddle." > > "But it's so easy!" said Guybrush. Mike: [Guybrush] No offense, Dwarfbeard, but you're a loser. > He hastily took the steering wheel Crow: Why, was it about to leave? > and set a course to where Nerdbeard's ship sank - 18 degrees north and 72 > degrees west. Crow: There's your answer, Tom: latitude and longitude. Tom: I'd just like to take this opportunity to point out that latitude and longitude are *not* units of measurement. > > *** > > The _Governor_ entered the Rhombus of Fire, the forbidden waters between > Skull Island and Melee Island. Mike: Oh, good. > As they neared their destination, Frank and > his friends began to fear that they would never depart the Rhombus. Tom: That's nice... > Dwarfbeard and Greta comforted them saying they had Guybrush as the > captain. Crow: I'm glad to hear it... > Elaine and Guybrush felt so close to finishing their quest that > they could just taste it. Tom: Aaargh! Can't he just, for *once*, describe what *actually happened*?? Mike: This fanfic is the epitome of "tell don't show". > > The ship suddenly stopped and the crew crowded the steering wheel. Crow: [crewman] I wanna drive! Tom: [crewman] No, it's MY turn! > They > had dropped anchor and reached their objective. Guybrush climbed to the > edge of the ship and stared down into the water. > > "Wait!" cried Dwarfbeard. "Don't drown yourself now!" Tom: [Dwarfbeard] Wait until I've had a chance to push you into the water! > > "No," said Guybrush. "I'm getting down to that ship. I can hold my breath > for ten minutes, y'know." > > "So can I!" cried Greta. "I could help." > > Guybrush sighed. "All right, but stay close to me." Crow: [Guybrush] This is man's work, honey. > > Greta climbed beside Guybrush and they both jumped into the sea while the > crew prayed for their safety. Mike: Their own, that is. > As they descended, the waters became darker > and sea creatures became scarce. They peered down and perceived Tom: Saw! > the ship. > Then, Mike: I think our author is just a little fond of starting his sentences with "Then,". > they swam towards it and entered through a crack in the starboard > side. > > The ship was dark and debris and skeletons littered it. They searched for > a whole five minutes Tom: Wow! Five minutes! > until they found Nerdbeard's skeleton. Crow: How'd they know it was Nerdbeard's? > Like all his > other pirate friends, he had a beard on his skull Crow: Oh. > and held a diary. Mike: What, after years underwater? > Guybrush yanked the diary along with Nerdbeard's hand Tom: Why take the hand? Crow: It'll look great on the mantelpiece. > and then beckoned > Greta to follow him. They swam outside to an anchor beside the ship. Greta > pulled on it and the anchor was being hauled up. Soon, they were safely > onboard the decks of the _Governor_ again. > > Elaine embraced Greta Tom: [Greta] Huh? > and kissed Guybrush, Crow: [Guybrush] Woohoo! > thankful for their safe return. > Dwarfbeard took the diary and turned to the last entry. However, the ink > was soaked and they couldn't read it. Crow: Serves those dirty diary-snoopers right. > Then a paper fell from the diary. > When Elaine took it from the floor, she noticed it was laminated. It was > a rewrite of the last entry. Tom: Well, they couldn't read the diary, so how'd they know it was the last entry? Mike: Er... > > *December 2, > I've crossed the threshold into the Rhombus of Fire. The conundrum I > provided to my former companions shall baffle them beyond eternity. Tom: [Nerdbeard] They're not very smart. Crow: He's got that right. > Meanwhile, I shall pass on my finger of the Witch Doctor's Treasure to the > monk who translated its scroll. He himself lives in the arcane island of > Bulky. However, I doubt anyone alive will find him.* Mike: [Nerdbeard] But then I thought that rhombus puzzle was tough, so what do I know? > > Guybrush enveloped his face in his hands. No one knew where Bulky Island > was save Haggis McMutton's former captain, who took its location to his > grave. Crow: So just track down the grave. No problem! > He took the diary book and threw it on the deck. Tom: [Guybrush] Darn it all to heck! > When it landed, > the covers were opened and Greta noticed it looked like a map. The covers > had lines engraved in them and they all formed the area that housed > Plunder Island and Blood Island. Tom: Oh, joy. Mike: Try and look interested, Tom. > East of them was a small piece of land. > > "Bulky Island!" cried Elaine. Crow: Bulky? Small? YOU decide! > "But wait, there're some words on the > covers." > > As Murray bent over to investigate, he read the words to be: "To > Nerdbeard, The Enlightened Pirate. From (Captain) Monk McJuggernaut". > Haggis' captain became a monk before becoming a pirate. Mike: He must have had a reverse conversion. > He gave the diary > to Nerdbeard because it had the map to Bulky Island, which was east of > Plunder and Blood. > > They set sail for the small island. It would take them at least a day and > a half to reach Bulky. So, they had to make haste and end their journey. Crow: You can say that again. > They hoisted the sails and set their course. However, they had to exit the > Rhombus safely, a task which no one had accomplished. Then, Murray > suggested Crow: Huh? They're out, just like that? Mike: So much for tension. > they sail towards Skull Island and then continue from there. Guybrush saw > it Tom: Well, at least he didn't perceive it. > to be a safe plan and so he set another course towards Skull. That would > take them until dawn to reach there, so they started immediately. Tom: The crew is really eager to see the sun rise? I don't follow... > > *** > > Their journey was calm and enthusiastic. Mike: The crew had been cooped up together too long, and schizophrenia was starting to set in... > The crew were excited about the > discovery of Bulky Island. Tom: But they haven't gotten there yet! > When they finally reached Skull, they knew > they were the first human beings to escape the Rhombus of Fire. Mike: Although, given how easy it was, some of the smarter members of the crew started to wonder about that... > Then, > they turned northeastward towards Bulky for the final stage of their > quest. Crow: [Max] Ack! He said "quest"! > > After another quiet journey, the crew of the _Governor_ caught sight of > land. They had reached Bulky Island. It was a very small landform > enveloped with jungles and a large volcano. Mike: [sceptical] That could be a hundred islands around these parts. > They dropped anchor before > Bulky Island and Guybrush climbed the ladder down to the surface. > Following him was Dwarfbeard who himself was followed by Murray. Tom: Who himself was followed by Elaine who herself was followed by Greta who herself was- Mike: We get it, Tom. > > Guybrush turned round to the remaining crew. "I need all of you to guard > the ship." Crow: [crew] Awww! But we wanna go pick bananas! > > The crew nodded reluctantly, especially Elaine and Greta. They had to go > along but they knew they couldn't disobey Guybrush, Mike: Why not? Tom: Women's lib this ain't. > so they watched him > go. > > Guybrush and Dwarfbeard cut their way through the jungle Mike: Causing irreparable damage to the local ecology, but let's not worry about that now. > until they > reached a trail Mike: [Dwarfbeard] Hey, there's a trail! Crow: [Guybrush] Aah, who cares. Let's keep hackin'. > leading to a pair of trees that created an arch. Beyond > it was a cabin of wood. Tom: CABIN... OF... WOOOOOOD! Mike: Tom, I'm worried about you. > They entered through the archway and opened the > door to the cabin. Inside, light poured through the two windows and the > door. There was a table and a chair in one corner and a skeleton was seen > in the corner opposite. > > Unlike the other pirates, he had no diary. Tom: A skeleton without a diary. I'm in shock. > However, his left middle finger > gave a bright gold sheen. It was the Finger of Life. They had found it at > last. Then, Guybrush pocketed the finger. Tom: Instead of fingering the pocket. Mike: Don't start that again. > > As he was about to leave, Guybrush suddenly noticed another skeleton under > a window. Crow: Monkey Island: The Killing Fields. > It had a piece of paper in its hand. He, Dwarfbeard and Murray > stopped before it. Tom: What exactly is Murray doing with them, anyway? > Then, Dwarfbeard whispered something. Crow: Why? Who's gonna hear? > > "Threepwood. So that's where you went." > > "Dad?" said Guybrush. Tom: [badly confused] Did he just call Dwarfbeard 'Dad'? Mike: No, he's talking to the skeleton. Crow: Thanks, Mike. That makes *so* much more sense... > "I thought you were on Dinky." He read his > father's paper. Tom: [Guybrush] Cool, a National Enquirer from 1978! > > *January 12, > Today, my life shall be complete. Crow: "The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition is arriving in the mail!" > But before I pass on to the realms of > the afterlife, I would just like to make amends for my mistakes. I love > my wife and my daughter, Greta. Mike: Ummm... was that one of the mistakes? > But, I was so foolish as to abandon my > first child, never admitting my love for him. If I could go back in time, > I'd change that. Crow: Huh? Well, if I went back in time I'd make millions betting on sporting events! Mike: Yes, well you're not like normal people, Crow. > My punishment is now depression. I will never see my son > and tell him I love him. However, I have faith he'll find me here, even on > Bulky Island. And when he does, I want him to know I love him and I'm > sorry. Tom: "Sorry I love him." Mike: Tom! This is the tender bit! > I'm proud of my son, Guybrush Threepwood.* > > Guybrush felt tears in his eyes. His father did love him. He wiped the > tears and pocketed the letter. Now, he knew the truth. Mike: But he couldn't handle the truth. > > "I love you too, Dad," he whispered. Tom: [sniff] Crow: Waaah!! > > Suddenly, Murray spoke. " I don't mean to interrupt, but I can't believe > out of all the skeletons we've seen, I never realised I could use them as > bodies." [Tom and Crow are recovering] Mike: Say, are you guys all right? Tom: We're okay. It just got on top of us there. > > "Well," started Dwarfbeard, "take the monk's." > > "Really?" asked Murray in an overjoyed tone. Crow: [Murray] A double date with Elle McPherson and Cindy Crawford? > > "Go on, take it," said Guybrush, taking the monk's skull off. Tom: What about a proper burial for the monk? > > "Thank you!" cried Murray. > > Murray made his skull leap and fall on the neck of the skeleton. His other > body fell lifeless to the floor. They exited the cabin and made their way > back to the _Governor_. To their dismay, it was deserted. Suddenly, there > was a yelping sound from behind. Tom: It's a dog! > > As Guybrush, Dwarfbeard, and Murray turned, undead soldiers surrounded > them. Crow: No, it's undead soldiers. Tom: Undead soldiers "yelp"? > The boned menaces aimed their cutlasses at them. Suddenly, water > started to flow between the legs of the skeletons. All: EWWW!! > Some of the soldiers > backed away and the water froze to ice. Crow: Don't eat the yellow snow... Mike: This is truly sick. > Then, it shaped itself into a > robust skeleton attired in a coat and a hat with icy needles coming from > within its brim. The emerald glow in his eyes made him look sinister and > his breath was colder than death. Tom: So it's slightly below room temperature, then. > > "Guess who?" he smiled. Tom: Rolf Harris? Crow: Boris Yelstin? Mike: Abraham Lincoln? > > "No, it can't be!" exclaimed Guybrush. Mike: Stock dialogue line #77: collect them all! > > "Oh, yes," smiled the skeleton. "I, LeChuck, still walk among the earth!" Crow: So he's a gopher? > > Dwarfbeard drew his cutlass but LeChuck sent a beam of ice towards it. Mike: Now it's "Batman and Robin" [pause] All: AAAAAAAGH! > The coldness forced Dwarfbeard to release his cutlass and it fell to the > ground, frozen. Mike: A frozen cutlass is still pretty deadly. > > "I think you and I shall have a long talk, Threepwood," smiled LeChuck. Crow: Oh, thrill. > > > > Part Three: The Resurrection Mike: They're going to try and revive Alicia Silverstone's career! > > Guybrush, Dwarfbeard, Elaine, Greta, Murray, and the Men of Low Moral > Fibre (Pirates) Mike: Yes, just in case you'd forgotten, the Men of Low Moral Fibre are still pirates. > were led by spectres into the throne room of LeChuck's > ice palace on Monkey Island. They had sailed from Bulky and kept the > prisoners heavily guarded. Once the ghost ship arrived at the shores of > Dinky Island, the crew and their prisoners took the underwater tunnel > to the area of Monkey Island where the Carnival of the Damned once stood. > Now, it was but Tom: A trifle! > a towering ice castle. > > Water crept up the throne Mike: They really should do something about that rising damp. > and shaped itself into LeChuck. Crow: So our supervillain is a blob of water? Tom: Seems that way. > Guybrush was > forced on his knees by one of the ghosts and he faced LeChuck, who > revealed a heinous smile. Mike: Behind curtain #3. > The ice demon trudged towards his archenemy and > laughed. Mike: Then he remembered Guybrush. > > "I could turn you into ice right now and destroy your body," he started, > "but Crow: "--it would be the intelligent thing to do, so I can't." > I have other plans for you." > > "What's with the voodoo gauntlet, LeChuck?" demanded Guybrush. Mike: What's with it, man? > > "Patience!" cried LeChuck. He faced Guybrush and spoke in a hateful voice. > "You buried me in that ice pile and left me there for an entire year! It > took Largo LaGrande four months to rescue me and another eight months to > retrieve the Witch Doctor's Treasure. Tom: [confused] LeChuck was in the ice pile for twelve months and he spent eight of those months retrieving the treasure? IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!! > However, when I found it, the Finger > of Life was gone. Crow: [LeChuck] I've been robbed! Mike: Once more with that riff, Crow, and you're out of here. > It was with that finger that I could use to defeat you." Tom: Okay, my parser's shutting right down... > > "Then what's the plan?" asked Guybrush. > > LeChuck laughed. "Don't expect me to tell you here, Guybrush Threepwood! > Another question." > > Guybrush thought. Mike: Light slowed. Tom: Entropy reversed. Crow: Pigs flew. > "Why does your army have skeletons and ghosts? I thought > it was just ghosts." > > "Thar be a lot of explaining for that," replied LeChuck. All: Noooooo!! > "You see, when a person dies, their spirit has the chance to achieve > freedom. However, if they were buried and they had a funeral, their spirit > cannot roam the earth since it was prevented so by the holiness of its > burial. Tom: So the only way your spirit survives death is if you're an atheist? Crow: [chuckles] Now that's irony. > On the other hand, if it were to be left to rot or if the body > wasn't buried within the hour, then the spirit would achieve its freedom. > Skeletons, on the other hand, are acquired by the use of voodoo magic. Tom: You just push the button marked "plot contrivance". > So, > the lava in my Carnival was naught but a voodoo brew. Mike: It's a river of gumbo! > > "As for your question, I have both ghosts and skeletons because I use them > differently. Ghosts are my assassins, skeletons are my soldiers." Crow: And the difference is...? Mike: The assassins have a decent Union. > > "Then how come you became a ghost?" asked Guybrush. "You were buried." > > "But I did not have a proper burial with a funeral," said LeChuck. > "Enough! Throw the prisoners into the dungeon but leave Threepwood! As for > his sister, I'll deal with her later." Mike: In a scene I hope we never see. > > The ghosts led Guybrush's crew from the throne room. Guybrush could hear > the screams of Elaine and Greta. Mike: LeChuck's making them watch a Pauly Shore movie marathon. Bots: Aargh! > He bowed his head low in sorrow and then > eyed LeChuck with bitter hatred. Mike: Good move! > > LeChuck smiled. "Elaine must not hear my plans," he said. "I desired the > Witch Doctor's Treasure for the purpose of resurrection. The Finger of Life > provided me with that power. With the abilities of the finger, I could not > only kill you but also Tom: Get cable! > become you. The finger controls life and so I could > use it to end yours and resurrect myself in your body." > > "Vile fiend!" cried Guybrush. All: [laugh] Mike: I think Guybrush is running low on witty comebacks. > > LeChuck laughed. "Let the resurrection begin." > > The ghosts released Guybrush from their grip but before Guybrush could > escape, LeChuck froze his legs to the floor. Then, he donned the gauntlet > and felt all five fingers on his hand. He pointed the middle finger at > Guybrush. Crow: Hey! Why does LeChuck get to do that? Mike: You've been doing it for ages. Crow: Yeah, but he gets to do it in the story! > > "Now, that's just rude," said Guybrush. Crow: Wait till you hear what we've been saying! > > "Well, it's not my fault the Finger of Life is in the middle," said > LeChuck. Tom: [LeChuck, apologetic] I'm sorry I insulted you. Oh well, on with the killing. > > Suddenly, the finger began to glow. Guybrush dropped to the floor before > an emerald blast shot his head. Crow: But, he was already frozen to the floor... Mike: Don't think. Just wait for Guybrush to win. > LeChuck aimed the finger towards Guybrush > but Guybrush grabbed the finger off. Then, LeChuck swung the gauntlet at > him but missed. Guybrush used the finger to hastily crack the ice as he > desperately tried to dodge LeChuck's blows. Then, LeChuck smote Guybrush's > stomach and then brought it up to his jaw. Tom: [confused] LeChuck brought Guybrush's stomach up to his jaw!? Crow: Oooh... that's gotta hurt! > Guybrush recovered in time to > take the gauntlet and smash the ice that held him firmly to the floor with > it. LeChuck blasted Guybrush out of his way Tom: With what? A shotgun? Crow: Here's hoping. > and recovered the gauntlet but > not the Finger of Life. He stared up to see Guybrush running through the > throne room door. He ordered his ghosts to track him down and bring him > back alive. Tom: Some actual dialogue might have helped here. > > Guybrush ran on until he crashed into a skeleton, knocking its skull off. > As the minion of LeChuck complained, Guybrush took its cutlass and its > pistol and continued on. From there, every enemy he met would fall under > his new blade and for every spirit he defeated, he'd add more ammunition > for his pistol. Mike: He's playing Doom! > But against ghosts, he had no defence. He had no root beer > and therefore could not protect himself if ghosts pursued him. Crow: Ummm... Mike: Root beer kills ghosts. Standard Monkey Island plot device. > > Suddenly, there was a fork up ahead. The left one Tom: The left fork? > curved towards its > direction Crow: [confused] What? "Curved toward its direction"?? WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?!? > while the right path continued straight. Guybrush thought it > better if he continued straight and so took the path to his right. Soon, > he arrived at the dungeon where he decapitated a sleeping skeleton guard > and shot three more. Tom: Ummm... that was a bit... casual... Mike: It's all in a day's work. Crow: And how exactly do you shoot a skeleton? > As the skeletons yelled at him, Tom: You mean he didn't kill them? Then why'd he bother even attacking?! > he took the keys to > the dungeon and unlocked the door. Elaine and Greta embraced him and > Dwarfbeard led the Men of Low Moral Fibre (Pirates) to the _Governor_. > > Guybrush faced Elaine and Greta. Mike: Guess he really is two-faced. > "Go with them. Hurry, before LeChuck uses > you as bait." Crow: For what? Fish? Tom: It's Take Two of the hilarious fishing contest! > > Elaine and Greta did as he told Mike: Like the subordinate peons they were. > and followed the rest of the crew to the > _Governor_. When Guybrush turned round, he came face to face with Duke, > the talking monkey he met on Voodoo Island. Mike: [author] Just in case you'd forgotten who 'Duke' was... > Duke drew out his cutlass and > challenged Guybrush to a duel. > > Guybrush had no time for this. Mike: He didn't? > He reached into his pocket and felt All: Ewww! > a can > of Voodew. All: Phew! > LeChuck must have thought of it as a worthless item. Guybrush > took it out and threw it at Duke. "Catch!" Tom: I don't think Duke's in the mood for games. > > Duke caught the can but then another came hurtling at him. It struck his > head and then fell upon his cutlass. The drink spilled on the floor as > another can came hurtling towards Duke. Duke held up his cutlass and the > can was sliced in half. But the drink continued Mike: "The drink continued"?! What was it doing in the first place? > until it splattered on > the monkey. Tom: End result: wet monkey. Great attack plan, Guybrush. > > Duke screamed. "Help! I'm covered in liquefied animal parts and grog! And > for a low, low price!" His cutlass dropped. Crow: Why? Because it could! > > Then, Guybrush hastily ate the banana he found in the Hex-agon and threw > the peel away. Duke stepped blindly on the peel and fell into the dungeon. Tom: Guybrush could have saved himself all that trouble and just pushed him in. Crow: The wacky slapstick humor just ran out of control. > Guybrush locked the door and fled. > > After running as fast as he could to the _Governor_, he ran into LeChuck's > ghosts. They tried grabbing him but he ducked and very nearly escaped. He > continued with the ghosts pursuing him. Suddenly, there was a moaning > sound from behind and the ghosts dissolved away. Greta stepped from around > a corner. Crow: Err... Mike: I sure hope there's a clean explanation for those last two sentences. > > "Hi!" she smiled, holding up a root beer bottle. > > "Greta, I told you to go to the ship!" Tom: "And when I give orders, I expect them to be obeyed!" Mike: He's not so much a hero as a petty tyrant. > > Too late, LeChuck came Tom: LeChuck's too late? Then there's no problem! > in his watery form and solidified behind Greta, > clutching her arm. > > He smiled and then laughed. Mike: [LeChuck] Stop tickling! > "I fair exchange, Threepwood," he said. "The > Finger of Life for your sister." > > Guybrush lowered his head and then produced the Finger of Life from his > pocket. But he held it from LeChuck until he gave him back his sister. > LeChuck slid his hand from Greta's arm to her throat. > > "If you don't give me the finger in ten seconds, your sister shall die." > > Guybrush cried, "Okay! Catch!" Tom: More games? I get the feeling Guybrush is just a big kid. Crow: Took you long enough. > > He threw it in the air, hoping LeChuck would have to follow it but the ice > demon liquefied his arm Tom: Cool! T-1000! > and, like a stream, extended it to catch the > finger. Then, Guybrush threw another bottle of Voodew at LeChuck. The ice > needles of LeChuck's hat pierced the can Crow: Ice can break through metal? > and the drink fell over him. Tom: End result: wet villain. I'm not really getting the point of this Voodew stuff. > Having been released from LeChuck's grip, Mike: Huh? When did this happen? > Greta ran to the _Governor_ by > Guybrush's command. Mike: Oh, great. Even when she's fleeing for her life she's under Guybrush's command. > Guybrush stayed behind and grabbed the Finger of Life > again. LeChuck faced him, wiping the Voodew from his eyes. Crow: Or, given the acidic content of Voodew, wiping his eyes from the Voodew. Mike: Eww! > > "I can drown you any second, Threepwood." > > "And I can swallow the Finger of Life," said Guybrush. > > LeChuck narrowed his eyes and then pointed the Finger of Breath at > Guybrush. The air around Guybrush became thick all of a sudden and he > struggled to breathe. Tom: So, I guess it's actually the Finger of Non-Breath. > Then, he held the Finger of Life near his open > mouth. LeChuck lowered the gauntlet and Guybrush breathed again but still > held the Finger of Life close to his mouth. Suddenly, Guybrush was knocked > to the ground by another skeleton. > > "Largo!" he cried. Crow: Where'd he come from? Tom: Why wasn't he helping out earlier? Mike: Why are you two expecting basic plot convention? Crow: Good point. > > Largo LaGrande lifted Guybrush to his feet and struck his face hard with > his bony hand. Then, he lifted Guybrush again. Tom: Then, he did this! Then, he did that! Then, he did something else! Mike: Uh, Tom... > But then, Tom: [getting worked up] And then! Now then! But then! So then! [Tom's head starts smoking] Crow: Better watch him, Mike. > before Largo had > a chance to smote him Mike: Or smite him, even. > again, Guybrush spoke. > > "He's planning a mutiny, LeChuck!" he cried. "Largo plotted against you > for months!" > > LeChuck grabbed Largo by the skull and lifted him up. "You dare oppose > me?" Mike: [boggling] But... Guybrush is LeChuck's arch enemy! Surely LeChuck wouldn't believe him straight off like that... > > "He's lying, Captain LeChuck," said Largo. > > "I'm sure he is," said LeChuck sarcastically. All: [groan] Crow: [LeChuck] After all, it's not like he's in mortal danger or needs to distract me or anything... Mike: I didn't know they made villains this thick anymore. > > He stared at Largo with stern eyes and then watched as the skeleton turned > to ice. LeChuck smashed Largo to fragments then turned back to Guybrush. > Then, he lifted the arm that he used to wear the gauntlet and suddenly > realised it was on Guybrush's arm. Tom: His arm was on Guybrush's arm? Crow: [Guybrush] Let's dance. > > "Remember, I'm a pirate," said Guybrush. Mike: [Guybrush] Not that this has anything to do with anything; it's just a fact. > > LeChuck saw the Finger of Life fitted on the gauntlet and then stopped. > Guybrush sent a blast from the finger and saw it strike LeChuck. Suddenly, > LeChuck screamed and moaned with an ear-piercing voice. He was experiencing > pain beyond all the grief of the world. Crow: He was reading this story! > Guybrush stared as LeChuck > transformed from ice demon back to a fiery demon, then to a rotting zombie, > then a ghost, and finally a living person. Mike: Wow. It's just like The Last Crusade, only reversed. > Guybrush had resurrected > LeChuck. Crow: [Guybrush] D'oh! > > LeChuck had a beard to his chest and was plump. He wore a scarlet > coat and black pants with brown boots. Mike: Sounds like a French teacher I had once. > > Guybrush eyed LeChuck and saw that he seemed much harmless Mike: "Seemed much harmless"? > as a real > person than as a ghost. His initial plan was to intentionally resurrect > LeChuck, kill him, Tom: Ummm... why? Mike: Not sure. It'd be a great April Fools day gag, though. > and then give him a proper burial. Mike: I've had better birthday presents. > But he wasn't a > barbarian. Tom: "Guybrush SMASH!" > He knew LeChuck wouldn't chase him around anymore. Crow: After all, it's not like LeChuck is *mad* at him or anything. > However, he > didn't realised that LeChuck could kill himself. Tom: "Mommy, why is that man jumping off the skyscraper?" > Before he could Mike: Grow a beard. > knock > LeChuck unconscious, he saw the pirate strike his head on the icy wall > until he fell dead. Crow: [LeChuck] No more exposition! No more! I can't take it! > Guybrush had an hour to bury him. Mike: This body will self destruct in one hour. > Luckily, Greta > disobeyed his order again and returned. Guybrush and Greta carried > LeChuck's body onboard the _Governor_ and quickly set sail for Melee > Island. Tom: Which, taking into consideration the speed of the ship and the one hour limit, must mean Melee is about three miles away. > > *** Mike: Home stretch, guys. Nearly there... > > "LeChuck was a satanic person," said the reverend of the church of Melee, > "and although he died, it favoured him. But even though he continuously > committed sins blah blah blah. Crow: "Blah blah blah"? Mike: Words you'd rather not have in your eulogy. > Goodbye, LeChuck, forever!" > > Many men lowered LeChuck's coffin into the grave and then covered it with > dirt. Then, the last step came and Guybrush Threepwood thrust LeChuck's > gravestone into the ground just as the clock signalled an hour's time had > passed. He thought he heard a scream come from somewhere. Crow: Well, we're surrounded by space, so it must be someone else. > But he knew it > was a sign that LeChuck would never haunt him again. Mike: He also knew it as a sign that there wouldn't be a sequel! All: Woohoo! > He was free from him, > at last. Tom: Our sentiments exactly. > He turned to face his crew. > > "I guess this is goodbye," he said. All: Double woohoo! > He embraced all of his crewmates and > said, "Until the next time we meet." Mike: Hopefully it'll be some time after hell freezes over. > > Dwarfbeard, Murray, and the Men of Low Moral Fibre (Pirates) repeated the > line and went their separate ways. Then Guybrush strolled away from the > cemetery with Elaine and Greta. Crow: Wait... this could be interesting... Mike: Crow, it's the last scene. Don't stuff up now. > > "Come on," he said, "let's go back to Governor Island." Crow: And free booze for all! > > Mike: And... we're done. [1...2...3...4...5...6...] Crow: Oh man. Tom: Hoo boy. I feel like I've been banging around inside an industrial dryer for five hours. Crow: You said it. I'm creaking all over. Mike: I'm just glad that one's out of the way. [sees light] Looks like Dr. F wants a word. [Deep 13] Dr. F: Survived, did you? Well, I'm not worried. I pushed you close to the edge this time. Each time you're gone just a little further... [SOL] Crow: I need a nap. [Deep 13] Dr. F: And *I* feel like a mad scientist ending this time... [he starts cackling, lips twisting into an evil leer. Grimacing at the camera, he presses the button] \ | / \ | / \|/ ---O--- Fwshhhh! /|\ / | \ / | \ -------------------------------------------------------------------- "RESURRECTION" BY: Morpheus MSTed BY: Chris Ratcliff Thanks to everyone who's ever written a misting, there are so many recycled riffs in here it's not funny... Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and [c] 199X by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. or anyone else is intended or should be inferred. This post is for amusement only and should not be seen as a personal attack on Morpheus, whoever he might be. > Guybrush, being the warm-hearted ghost-busting stud he was, needed no > present from Elaine, only her love.