THE BIG SAM AND MAX QUOTE FILE ------------------------------ Last edited 24/5/99 Max: This place is Tikirific! Sam: 'Tikirific?' Max: Yeah. I feel immersed in native culture. Sam: I just hope this place has those authentic Savage Tiki drinks with that authentic Tiki tang. Max: I bet it was a sordid combination of fast cars and fast living. VROOM! VROOM! Sam: I remember seeing this movie in theatres when I was a pup. During the climactic scene they dropped giant rubber snakes on the audience. Why don't they make movies like that any more? Max: Higher standards? Sam: Probably. Max: I still say it was a lurid tale of sin and depravity. Sam: There is no try. There is only dew. Or donut. Sam: Hmmmm. Max: I hate it when you hum, Sam. You sound like a high voltage tower. Max: See the carrot leaning out of the book depository? Sam: Never mind that. What about the string beans behind the fence on the grassy knoll? Max: That avocado IS Governor Connelly. Vegie Woman: There's just no such thing as a furry vegetable. Max: Check out our fridge. Sam: At least the DeSoto's stopped making that funny noise. Max: I told you not to run over that biker gang. Sam: When this is all over we really should get this car looked at by a qualified mechanic. Sam: This place evokes a sense of wonder. Max: You HAVE to wonder. Kid: Respect THIS, bowser-breath. Max: Oooh, can I pummel him now, Sam? Sam: No, Max. Puberty will be punishment enough for this one. Sam: Olympic Bungee Jumping? Max: Well, she sounds sure. Sam: We're in law enforcement. How much would you charge us to use the bungees? Max: ENTHUSIASTIC law enforcement. Instructor: I'd let you go anytime. I'm partial to dog and bunny teams. Sam: That's weird. Max: Works for me. Sam: My nose is running. Max: Whose isn't? Sam: Is it on right? Instructor: Let's see. Your limbs are between the straps... yep, it looks right. Sam: Is she being sarcastic? Max: It's hard to tell. Sam: I've seen hair like this somewhere before... Max: Your butt? Sam: No, this hair has the same coarseness as Sasquatch hair. Max: You don't suppose they skinned sasquatches to make this cheesy roadside attraction? Sam: Who knows? More importantly, who cares? Max: I don't think that was the best way to get the toupee, Sam. Max: I think we have to avoid tripping the alarms, Sam. Max: That weight-sensitive alarm sure is giving you problems, Sam. Max: I think we have to replace the toupee holder with something approximately the same size as Conroy's head, Sam. Max: Two words, Sam: Indiana Jones. Max: We kind of had you bigfoots pegged as plant-eaters. Bigfoot: No way dude. When a bigfoot gets hungry he'll eat ANYTHING. Even rabbits. Max: I'd be worried if I wasn't churning with foul and uncurable diseases. Max: So, where are all the bodacious bigfoot babes? Sam: Take it easy, Max, you don't even like girls. Max: I don't? Bigfoot: Dude, are you like having an argument with your belly button? Max: Uh... Sam: No. Max: Have you seen Bruno around? Bigfoot: I haven't seen the dude since he rescued me. I hear he's hiding out from a crazy bear and bunny who want to drag him off to an evil carnival. Sam: BEAR!? Bigfoot: What was that? Max: Gas. Sam: Sharing this experience with you, little buddy, makes me realise just how much I need a vacation. Sam: Why do you persecute harmless bigfoots? Conroy: Harmless? HARMLESS? I'll have you know my parents were killed by a rabid bigfoot! Sam: Really. Conroy: Well... no. Actually, I'm just a warped evil person who gets his jollies torturing innocent woodland creatures. Sam: Well, that's a valid motivation too. Bigfoot Chief: Although it's our tradition to allow only bigfoots to these gatherings, these two have shown themselves worthy of our gratitude and our trust. Max: These are a naive people. Bigfoot Chief: And so I am granting them the title of Honorary Bigfoot Chief. So, don't mess with them. Max: That's it? Honorary Bigfoot Chief!? Where's the cash? Sam: We don't want bigfoot money, Max. It's probably made of tree bark or something. Max: I know, but it's the principle of the thing. Bigfoot Chief: We wouldn't normally be asking for help, but we're desperate. Sam: Well, that's how we get most of our gigs, so why not? Bruno: It's a familiar story. Bigfoot meets fish. Bigfoot tries to catch fish. Bigfoot falls into arctic ice floe. Sam: That's a classic, all right. Sam: Well, now that Conroy's out of your hair, what are you going to do? Max: Try brushing it, maybe? Max: Okay, Sam: he's here, we're here. Let's go. Bruno: Wait, go where? Max: Back to the carnival so we can get paid, ya big lummox! Max: You're getting soft, Sam. Sam: What to you make of that totem pole on the far left? Bruno: Let me take a look... Hmmm... Sam: Well? Bruno: It's a totem pole... Sam: And? Bruno: It's made of wood... Max: It's not too late to take him back to the carnival, you know. ----------------- Sam: What can you tell me about Bruno? Max: Is it me, or have we asked just about everybody in the country about Bruno? Sam: I didn't fully understand that bit about the second totem pole. Bigfoot Chief: My position on this is unwavering. It represents age. Max: Maybe we should just toss him in there, then. Sam: Bruno's out by the pool. Yeti: Wonderful! He must have convinced our alien forefathers to rescue us from this doomed planet! Max: Actually, I think he's doing the backstroke. Sam: In your delusional opinion, what would you make of the first totem pole? Yeti: Well, the great winds depicted represent the chaos caused by the return of our alien brothers. Max: Not entirely unlike the gust of wind we're hearing now. Sam: What are you guys going to do with Conroy and Lee-Harvey? Bigfoot: Popsicles, dude. MAJOR popsicles. Sam: So, what did you think of the first totem pole? Bigfoot: Dude, it's a picture of the ultimate wave machine. The picture on it is the total wave maker. I'm sure it's about the most awesome waves ever... I can't wait. Sam: How about the second totem pole? Bigfoot: There's more than one? Sam: Three more, actually. Max: Four all together. Bigfoot: I guess I missed them. Sam: How could you miss them!? They're right there! Bigfoot: Dude, chill. They're just totem poles. Sam: I don't suppose you would know about the fourth totem pole? Bigfoot: Are you still talking to me? Sam: Who's the president of the United States? Bigfoot: I thought they split up! Sam: Ok, I think we're done here. Max: Yeah, and so is he. Sam: We'd like some fine Bavarian food sprinkled with umlauts, please. Max: That's okay, we don't want service. We just want a few schnitzels and some other things that begin with 'schnitz.' Sam: We don't go upstairs. Max: Not since the accident. Guy Behind Counter: Well, what do you want? Sam: You mean we have to pay money for this crap? GBC: Them's the rules. Sam: Nertz. Max: It's times like this that I'm sad to be a capitalist, Sam. Sam: He is obviously bitter and disillusioned. Max: What cat isn't? Sam: Here kitty kitty... Kitty: MEOW! Sam: Ok, ok... Max: Sam, he's not as friendly as he looks. Sam: Hey cute little kitty with the mangled eye. How are you today? Kitty: meow. Sam: Is that all you can say? Kitty: Meow, meow. Max: I guess he just slipped through the cracks of our public school system. Sam: It's a mange-ridden tuft of Bruno's sasquatch hair! Max: I think it would make a swell toupee for balding computer programmers. Bruno: Good bye, Sam and Max. I'm not sure how I could ever thank you so... ...uh... I guess I won't. Sam: That's no head, Max - it's a damned ugly time bomb! Let's leave this criminal cesspool pronto! Max: Mind if I drive? Sam: Not if you don't mind me clawing at the dash and shrieking like a cheerleader. Max: Sam, is 'pronto' a real word? Max: Another confused census taker? Sam: Actually, that was the Commissioner with another idiotic and baffling assignment. Max: Does it involve wanton destruction? Sam: We can only hope. Max: Hey! Gratuitous acts of senseless violence are MY forte! Sam: Awww... it's a cute little hypercephalic kitten. Max: I'll call him 'Mittens', because I think he'd make a fine pair of them. Max: I think he's kind of cute, Sam. Can I make a tennis racket out of him? Sam: I see that old Mr Bosco's generously giving away his profits to the underprivileged, ski-mask-wearing youth of the neighbourhood again. Max: He's adorable. Let's take him home and put tape on his feet. Sam: According to these orders, something bizarre is happening at the carnival. Max: I thought that was the whole point! Max: I think that punk learned a valuable lesson, Sam. Sam: Me too, Max. I didn't realise the lower lip could stretch completely over the head... amazing. Sam: Well, this is undignified. Sam: I don't suppose you'd accept this generous bribe? Firebreather: Not on your life, fuzzy. Max: What's this country coming to, when US currency can't even bribe a downtrodden circus freak? Sam: I blame television. Firebreather: I guess you can go in. But be careful! Carnivals can be dangerous to your health. Haw haw haw! Sam: That was needlessly cryptic. Max: I'd be peeing my pants if I wore any. Sam: Let me get this straight... You want us to go traipsing all over the country looking for a soggy bigfoot? Max: I've never been traipsing before. Does it hurt? Burl: He's a brutish, ignorant beast with no sense of right or wrong! Sam: Hey, who isn't? Sam: What can you tell me about life? Carny: It beats the alternative. Sam: Your sadism is a credit to your profession. Sam: Holy cripes on toast! Max: Nothing personal, but you're the single ugliest thing we've ever seen. Sam: Well, there was that computer game developer's conference... Carny: Have you lost something? Sam: I've lost a whole bunch of neat junk. You must have been gifted with psychic powers to make up for your obvious physical shortcomings. Max: Bad deal. Doug: I first met Bruno twenty five years ago in Saigon... [several hours later] Doug: ...and then there was the time we all had our taxes done by a platypus, and- Max: SHUT UP! FOR GOD'S SAKE, JUST SHUT UP! Max: I think I may weep openly. Doug: Wait! I've got a great story you should hear. Max: AAAAAACCCCCHHHHHHH! Sam: Keep it short, kid. My partner's got a low tolerance for long stories. Doug: Well, it all started the day before today. I remember it like it was yesterday... Sam: You're awfully cheery for a minimum wage earner. Sam: That's an awfully big rasp attached to that keychain. Max: Out of toilet paper? Sam: Oooh, they're genuine Scrantonese potions of fertility! Max: Let's take 'em! Sam: I don't think we should risk being any more fertile than we already are, Max. Max: Maybe we should rat him out, Sam. The thought of him out on the streets, drinking lighter fluid, seems somehow ironic. Sam: It's scary to watch you wrestle with abstract concepts, Max. Max: That's one long loose end. Sam: It's a pity we can't reach it. You always need a large piece of string in games like these. Sam: Have you heard of Bruno the Bigfoot? Repair Guy: Who the $@%# is Bruno the Bigfoot? Max: Sam, he's speaking in tongues! Sam: Should I even bother asking you about Conroy Bumpus? Repair Guy: &#$% no. Fisherman: That helicopter is the bane of my existence. Every time I catch enough fish to fill a net, the helicopter swoops down and carries the fish to Ball of Twine diner, in Central Dis, Minnesota. Sam: How sad. Fisherman: I know. It's like being stuck in a Norman Mailer novel. Sam: So, how're they biting? Fisherman: Oh, they're biting pretty well. In the last hour they've bitten an arm, two fingers, and my nose. If they bite any better, I'll need reconstructive surgery. Fisherman: I try not to listen to country music. When I do, I usually have an uncontrollable desire to drink a lot of beer and do illegal things to farm animals. Max: You too? Max: Any more bright ideas? Sam: Let's start crying like babies. Max: I found another sample of sasquatch fur and mange in the booth. While I spent my young life waiting, just sitting there, in that horrible BOOTH, waiting... Sam: Jesus, Max, get over it. Max: Okay. Sam: Who knows what makes these inanimate objects dance their infernal jitterbug? Max: I do, I do! I think they're controlled by a series of really big magnets under the Earth's crust! Sam: Yeah, well you're an ignorant dolt, Max. Max: Don't play it again, Sam. Sam: Of all the Daliesque tourist traps in the world, we had to walk into this one. Sam: It's another tuft of sasquatch mange and hair. Max: My rabbity senses tell me that this is not Bruno's hair and mange... ...or maybe I'm in love. Sam: ?Stoofgib tuoba wonk ouy od tahw? Woman: I'm upside down, cutie, not dyslexic. Sam: Oh. Do you know why you're upside down? Woman: No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. Max: Kill her now, Sam. Max: Spine recompression... cool. Woman: With every new sno globe we made, the Vortex just got weaker, and weaker... Max: The same thing happens when I watch sitcoms. Sam: Have you got any beef snacks for my little buddy? Shuv-Oohl: Sorry, man. I'm a vegetarian. Max: Gleep! Sam: Now look what you've done. You've gone and scared Max. Shuv-Oohl: Bruno the Bigfoot? Max: Why do people keep asking that question? Shuv-Oohl: Bruno and I go way back. I've always felt a special kinship with bigfoots. Max: I feel the same way about pointy sticks. Sam: Doug says 'Hi'. Shuv-Oohl: That karmic waste of space? I bet he still spends his days zoned out in front of the TV watching crummy reruns. Max: Yeah, but now he's got cable. Sam: Isn't it a little environmentally unsound, dumping all those excess fish guts on the ground? Docent: Maybe. Who cares? Sam: Hey, good point. Shuv-Oohl: You're back. Sam: And we're bigger than a breadbox. Max: Three breadboxes, even. Sam: This doesn't look like a frog at all. Max: My innocence has been shattered by this blatant tourist trap. I want my money back. Sam: We didn't pay anything. Max: Well, somebody better give me some money! Max: Sure gets dark quickly around here. Sam: I don't think this is a natural occurrence, Max. In fact, I think we're witnessing a celestial convergence of some sort. Max: Do you think it'll make that rock look more like a frog? Sam: It's the platinum record Bumpus got for 'Let's Drink Beer and Shoot Things.' Max: That story warms the cockles of my heart. Sam: So do car crashes. Sam: 'Genuine Imitation American Style Chest. Not intended for any kind of use. A great addition for your Genuine Imitation American Collection.' Max: Home shopping. Sam: Definitely. Sam: I feel a nigh-uncontrollable urge to stick bolts in your neck and shout 'IT'S ALIVE! IT'S ALIVE!' Max: 'Nigh'? Sam: I think you'd scare away fewer tourists if you added a little color to your wardrobe. Max: Right. The whole 'angel of death' look is out. Sam: How can you stand to work for someone who persecutes harmless beasts like Bruno the Bigfoot? Lee-Harvey: Uh, on my feet? Max: He's got you there, Sam. Sam: This is virtual reality? I may be sick. Max: I'm ripe with anticipation. Sam: I thought I smelled something.