I speak from experience when I say that the cycle of domestic violence is hard to break.

In my case,  like that of so many other women,  I had already fallen head over heals in love before I saw any signs of abuse.   Sure he was often jealous of others,  but at the time I was flattered that someone could care so much that they would be jealous of my friends,  my family,  or anyone else that would look my way.   I bought into the guilt trips that often accompanied his jealousy.   Maybe I had spent too much time with so and so.   Maybe I hadn't been clear to that guy that made a pass at me.   It never occurred to me that his jealousy was unwarranted or extreme. (Abusers are usually jealous and possessive.)

The jealousy then spilled over to my hobbies and personal time.   He began to control me,  telling me what I could do,  and where I could go.  (Abusers are quite often control freaks.) But again,  I made excuses for the behavior.   "He just wanted to spend time with me",  or "He wants me safe....or was just looking out for my best interests. "

My friends began telling me that I didn't deserve to be treated like that.   I thought they were jealous and unwilling to allow me to make time for the new love in my life.   It was their problem......not his.   After all,  they didn't know him like I did.   If they did they would know he showered me with words of love..............

I began to spend less and less time with my friends and family.   And so the cycle began.   I had isolated myself from anyone that could help.   Anyone that could see the situation for what it was,  and not what I wanted it to be.   ( Isolation is common in abusive relationships~your abuser wants you dependant.)

Soon the words of love were peppered with unkind words.   They came slowly at first,  and always there was enough "love" mixed in that I would think my behavior warranted correction.   Often he would cut me down and make me feel stupid.   I had said the wrong thing,  or wore the wrong thing,  or forgot something that I should have known.

It wasn't long before those unkind words had torn down my self-confidence and undermined my self-worth,  so much that I began to believe that I couldn't make it on my own,  and that no one else would love me.    He even managed to use my voluntary isolation from friends and family to his advantage,  convincing me that they deserted me.   I began to think how lucky I was to have him.    And so I began to accept more and more of his cruel behavior.   At least I wasn't alone.

I can still remember the first time the words and jealousy became physical.   I had helped a man at work and as a thank you he had sent me flowers.   Within minutes the flowers were laying in shambles at my feet and I was in tears.   I knew I had done nothing wrong,  but he wouldn't listen.   I turned to walk away so that I wouldn't meet his anger with my own,  or provoke him any further.   As I did he grabbed my by the hair and flung me to the floor,  amongst the glass and thorns,  and scattered petals.   Immediately he was by my side speaking softly,  and apologizing.   Telling me how sorry he was but that he loved me so much that it made him crazy to think that someone else might be sending me flowers, when he should have thought to do that more often.    I bought the lie....hook line and sinker,  never noticing that he was becoming more and more like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hide.

I wish I had said ENOUGH right then.   But I didn't have the courage to face him like that after seeing how easily he had thrown me to the floor.   I didn't have the self-worth to think I deserved anything better.
 
After that the physical attacks became more and more frequent,  with each attack more ferocious than the last.   It was like I had given him permission to treat me like that,  and so he would go further to see where I would draw the line.   He soon began to abuse me so frequently that I forgot what life was like without it.

I wont bore you with all the details of the attacks.   If you are being abused,  I don't need to.   I will tell you that eventually I did draw the line.   It took me being beaten so badly that I had two black eyes,  strangle marks around my neck,  and a concussion.   It took me loosing a job because of my injuries.   It took me lying to my friends,  and family ( I told them I had been mugged) and it took being caught in the lie and confronted.   And it also took the right person coming along at the right time to help me.

I wont lie to you....even after I was out I went back.   He had promised he had changed,  but he hadn't.   I had!!!   I was no longer insecure and unsure.   It took me twenty minutes in his company to know that I would be dead if I went back.   Enough was finally enough!!!

If you are the victim of domestic violence GET HELP and get it now!!!   He will not change without professional intervention.   So don't believe his lies and the promises of better treatment.   The apologies are only empty words....your life is at stake.   You have the courage to do it,  and there are people that are willing to help. 

How To Get Help & Related Links National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

Domestic Abuse Statistics
Which Symptoms Fit Your Life?
Sample Separation Safety Plan

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