Okay so you have decided to search...now what?
The first thing you need to do is get organized!!!
I cannot stress this strongly enough....
It's easier to get organized now than after you have written letters, made phone calls, and signed up on countless registries. You don't want to waste time and energy retracing your steps in order to recover information that you should have saved in the beginning. And believe me, if you aren't organized you will do just that. It's easier to do it now than kick yourself later.
Buy a large loose leaf notebook for your search.
Indulge yourself. Buy a pretty but functional notebook that you can use for your search. Not only might you be looking at it for a while, but it will make a nice gift to your birth family, once they are found. Once you are reunited, your family member will appreciate being able to see the lengths you went to to find them.
Use this notebook for NOTHING other than your search. (No recipes, grocery lists or personal phone numbers).
Organize your notebook in whatever way you feel comfortable, but make sure information is readily available. (Some people like to put their info in a chronological order, others like divided sections to keep phone numbers, registries, communication with agencies and the like, separate.) Just keep in mind that you don't want to have to flip through hundreds of pages, trying to find that number or name you thought you had, while in the middle of another phone call.
Make sure that you print out all inter-net communications, and any information related to your search, and file it in your notebook. Hardrives do fail and with them may go years of research. (IN ADDITION to the printed copy-Back up any information you want to access from your computer, on to floppy, and keep the floppy in your notebook. This includes your favorite search sites and important e-mail addresses.)
Write down everything you know.
Write down everything you know or can remember about your adoption or birth parent experience, no matter how unimportant it may seem. Ask questions of family members, and anyone else that might know or remember something. Even if what you hear is "family gossip" write it down. Down the road that story you heard from Aunt Bessy might just be the key to the whole mystery you are trying to solve.
If you are an adoptee, talk to your adoptive parents about your adoption and what they may know about your Bmom. Many adoptive parents were given at least the first name of the Birth Mother, or paper work that has long since been forgotten.
Birth Mother's have a tendency to remember things in bits & pieces. Write down those "snippets" of memories as you recall them. If you remember mental pictures try to record them with as much detail as possible. Bmom's have remembered the physical descriptions, or the work dress of the adoptive parents, or remembered seeing them with other children. Others have remembered names they have heard during the same time period, but had previously failed to connect to the adoption or the adoptive parents. Any of these could contain keys to the puzzle you are trying to solve.
Get a Private Eye mentality.
You can find some great books on searching for people at your local library. Spend some time looking at genealogy and search databases online. Learn what they can do and what is available.
Review the information you have on a regular basis and always try to look at it with a new eye. The new piece of information you got yesterday may just make the whole thing fit together today.
Small clues can be found in unlikely places. I know of people who have used graphs to figure out names on blanked out birth certificates. And others who have gotten info from Social workers by asking if they are "hot or cold" in their search direction. Some SW's may be so bold as to leave your file lying open on their desk when they leave the room, or say things like "I can't tell you that your Mother's initials are A.F.", but they are the exception. Social workers are more prone to give clues in ways that don't seem at all like information, so learn to read between the lines and keep good notes. (During my first phone call to an agency the worker said to me, "So.....your son is still in Miami?", as if it were a question I should answer, even though I had all ready told her I didn't know anything. My son was found in Miami!) Quite often when Social Workers are talking to you by phone there are others in the room. If you can't get information to a basic question, try re-phrasing it so that the SW can answer with a "yes" or "no".
If you know your birth family member's name (especially if it is a Bmom) and can't find it in any databases, try reversing her first and middle names, or substituting her Mother's first or maiden name in place of her's. Many Bmom's (especially in the 50's and 60's)used aliases in maternity homes and hospitals.
Keep a record of all correspondence and telephone calls
Make sure you keep track of who you talked to and when, as well as a notes as to what was said.
Often times social workers will supply information over the phone that you will not get on paper. Make sure you keep accurate notes when dealing with these people. Be specific in your requests, and ALWAYS ask for more than you expect to get. The worse thing that can happen is that you will be told "No". Send a follow up letter to any person or agency that you speak with over the phone, reminding them of any commitments they have made to you. That way you have a hard copy for proof. Whenever possible write instead of calling. Keep copies of all letters that you send. These records will come in handy when you find yourself talking to Social Workers that claim they have no record of you contacting them, or when you find them telling you different stories each time you call. Both of which are very likely to happen somewhere in the course of your search.
Make a list of people that you come in contact with
You will find many helpful resources during your search, and come across people that live in the area that you are searching. This information may seem unimportant when you get it, but later you might be surprised by how much you will wish you had saved it if you don't. These people will come in handy when you wish you had someone to look-up an obituary, go to the library, or get a yearbook photo.
If you are lucky enough to get a volunteer searcher or Search Angel to help you with your search, be courteous. Keep them up to date on any new information you receive. If your e-mail address or contact information changes notify them immediately. It is very frustrating for a searcher to waste time tracking down information that they shouldn't have to. Return correspondence in a timely manner and include all the information that has been requested of you. If you are asked to obtain certain forms, documents or information yourself, do it immediately. Searchers can tell who is serious about their search and who is not. You are more likely to get assistance when you cooperate. Searchers will be less then zealous in their efforts on your behalf if they see that you are dragging your feet. Most want to help you, but they do not want to have to carry you.
Make sure you let people that are helping you know what has been done on your search and who else might be helping you, so that they don't repeat something someone else has already done. There are too many people out there needing help for you to involve 10 different people in your search at the same time. If you feel someone is not helping you discuss it with them before moving on to find search help elsewhere.
Most of all remember to thank these people for anything they do to help you. Volunteer searchers give of their time, out of their pocket, and from their hearts. It's really not too much to ask. Most will remember if you showed appreciation in the past the next time you need help.
Contact every agency involved in the adoption
Write to the lawyer or adoption agency for non-identifying information.
Try to get as much information as you can from agencies, hospitals, maternity homes, lawyers, and anyone else involved. Never mention the "A" word (adoption) when dealing with anyone other than a lawyer or agency. This is especially true of hospitals, courthouse and genealogy helpers.
Bmom's that don't know the exact DOB should attempt to get their hospital records first. Simply request all OB/GYN records in your name. If you know the year or date, you can request those records specifically. If at all possible have a Dr. request the records for you. Clerical workers are less likely to filter the information, or tell you the files were destroyed, if they think there is a medical need, than they will be if they think you might be instituting a search. If you do it yourself, there is usually a per page cost of somewhere around a dollar. (Most average around $20.00)
Send notarized waivers of confidentiality to all the agencies and institutions involved as well. This way if your family member is searching, whatever information that is on file about you can be released to them. Do not file these waivers until you have received all the information that you can get from these agencies in the way of non-id. You don't want to tip anyone off that you are searching until you have what you can get, otherwise you may find doors being slammed in your face.
Write to vital statistics for a Birth Certificate if you don't have one. If you are an adoptee that knows your birth name, send for the original BC. Chances are you won't get it, but clerical errors do happen. Some Bmom's have been able to get the originals by putting the birth name of the adoptee above their mailing address on the envelope, but this is usually a freak occurrence. Be aware that it is illegal for either the adoptee or Birth family to represent themselves as being the other in an attempt to get records.
In FL non-id information can be obtained by adoptees through FARR (the official state registry). The amount of information they have depends largely upon what other state agencies may have been involved in the adoption. If HRS or the Dept. Of Children &Families was involved in any investigation, chances are they have some form of non-id on your birth family. Make sure you specifically request it.
If your search goes over 6 months without finding, contact the agency or lawyer again for your non-id. Laws, policy, office workers, and personal beliefs change over time. You may find that you get different or additional information each time you contact them.
NOW YOU CAN BEGIN
THE REGISTRATION PROCESS
Register with the ISSR
This is the single most important place that you can possibly register. The ISRR is the world's largest mutual consent registry, and is even advertised and endorsed by Dear Abby & Ann Landers in their columns. This means that even though your birth family may not have access to a computer, they have probably heard about this registry, and can submit their information to the off line database for free via snail mail. You can down load the necessary forms or get more information here.
Determine if your state has an official registry.
If so contact them. Most states have specific protocols that must be followed in order to register. Make sure you are acquainted with the requirements and follow them to a "T".
Post your search information anywhere you possibly can.
Find a good links page for registries, and then print it out on paper. I have several hundred registries and message boards listed on my pages, or you can use a list of your own.
This printed list will allow you to keep notes. You can check off where you have registered so that if you need to change your information later you will know where you have posted. Some of these registries give you specific numbers that you will need to keep track of in order to change or access your file. On some you may even find dates or names that match the information you have and you will want a record of that in case you need to go back to them later.
As you search you will also come in contact with people that have had unfavorable experiences with particular registries, and you will want to keep notes of that as well so you can avoid them.
Once you have been reunited, PLEASE be courteous and notify the registry owners of your find. That way they can devote their time and energies to those in need of assistance.
More Tips & Tricks
Set up a permanent e-mail address
Set up an account with an email provider that will stay with you even if you change servers. (hotmail, excite are examples). These accounts can also be accessed from your library should your computer fail.
I cannot tell you how heartbreaking it is to find a possible match with an invalid e-mail. I know of people that have given up on their search after reaching this road block. If you are serious about being found, DONT CHANGE YOUR EMAIL!
Make sure you fill out the profile with your search info. If possible use the date or information in the address itself.
Do an Aol profile check for the DOB you are looking for.
Write a simple genealogy search letter to anyone you find with the correct DOB. Remember in your search query to enter the DOB in all the different ways (12/4/72, 12/4/1972, Dec. 4, 72 etc). Aol no longer lists DOB as part of the profile, so searching by DOB is no longer as productive as it once was. However it is still worth doing on the off chance that your birth family member is also searching, and has had the forethought to include their DOB somewhere in their profile.
If you are a Bmom or Female adoptee,
get a phone listing in your maiden name.
A white pages listing like this will make it easy for people to find you. Your maiden name will be the first name they look for. Don't force your birth family to spend additional time, and possibly money they can't afford, trying to track down your married name if you can avoid it.
Take out a classified advertisement
If you know the area your birth family is in consider running your search info in the local paper. Yes this is an added expense but I do know people that have found this way, and others who have received information on their searches due to these adds. If you can afford it, who not?
Always sign email with your search info below your signature
You may not think so but people pay attention to that information. It is standard practice among search groups. I for one, watch for Florida births so that I can include them in the Sunflower's state database. Others pay attention to specific dates or regions. Most email programs (even Web-TV) allow you to set up a signature file so that all it takes is a click of a button to put your information there.
When I was searching my signature looked like this:
Rosey
ISO son 12/4/72 Miami Beach, FL.
DO NOT POST YOUR INFORMATION EVERY WEEK
Do not post everything you know about your adoption every week, on every list your are involved in. I know that sounds contradictory when you are being told to put your information everywhere you can, but there is such a thing as over-kill. I have seen people so zealous in getting their information out there, that they have cause people to turn a deaf ear. Try to find a balance that will allow people to see your information on a fairly regular basis, but not so much as to make them think "yada yada...same old stuff."
Make a web page
It really does not take a lot of experience to put a basic web site on the net. And it really doesn't have to be anything fancy. (Remember exposure is the name of the game.) Most servers have very simple programs you can use. If you can't master it, you can usually find someone willing to help you. Once your page is made, link it to as many other adoption related pages as you can, and join it to web rings. You never know who might just surf on. If you would like your pages added to mine, drop me a note. I have pages for adoptees and searching birth family.
Get Yourself In Order
Make sure you and tap into as many resources as you can.
Join support and search groups, mailing lists and post to bulletin boards.
There is a wonderful network of people out there just waiting to help. Once you begin searching you'll be surprised how many others are in your shoes, and how many want to help!!
PLEASE BE CAREFUL
Unfortunately along with these offers to help will come some unethical searchers and scam artists. Though they are few and far between please use common sense and safety while exploring the internet! Check references and do not pay ANY searcher money until you have found out if you can get the information yourself for free, and that the person is on the up and up.
Try to read as much as you can about searching, and reunion.
Those that have gone before you in searching have wonderful ideas and tricks to help you get past the obstacles you will face in trying to find and reunite with your loved one. Different people have different ways of doing things and what works for some may not work for you. By exposing yourself to a wide variety of ideas, you will most likely find the key to a successful search and or reunion. Learn to tap into the resources and experiences of others.
Prepare yourself mentally
Spend time reading and talking to others that have been there. Don't limit your information to what is applicable to your position in the Triad. Much can be gained by learning about the perspectives of adoptees, adoptive parents, and birth family. Consider getting pen-pals from other sides of the Triad. Those affected by adoption want to tell their stories and are usually quite willing to tell you about the emotions involved in their point of view. Corresponding or communicating with others often acts as a catharses and brings healing, before the issues have to be addressed with your family members. Communicating about these issues before hand will in effect help to make your own reunion less volatile.
Think how you might feel and respond in different type of reunion situations. You don't know where this road might lead. Try to prepare yourself for every eventuality.
Spend some time thinking about what you actually want from a reunion. Many adoptees for instance, say they only want medical records, when in fact there are more serious questions, like "Who am I?" and "Why was I relinquished?" that they would really like answered. (Most in fact want some type of relationship with their birth family even if that is not what they express.) Birth Mothers often say they simply want to know that their child is ok, or that they made the right choice. (Most however are usually searching with a desire for an ongoing relationship that allows them to know who their child is.) Make sure that your motivation is not built on self-deception.
The #1 question asked by found family members, who have not been searching is: "What do you want?" Think how you will answer that question.
Unfair expectations have ruined many a hopeful reunion. Finding your birth family will not make up for an unhappy childhood or the guilt of relinquishing a child. Don't expect it to. Make sure your own issues and expectations are dealt with before the moment of truth. (Anger and unforgiveness must be dealt with at least in part, before reunion, if it is to succeed for the long haul. If you need help in these areas, get counseling.) Sadly, no one in the Triad can turn back the hands of time by finding. Accept that your relationship must be built on today and tomorrow, and that you cannot recover the past.
Be assertive
Don't allow Social Workers or government officials to intimidate you. These people have been trained to push your buttons. They will attempt to put a damper on your search in attempt to discourage you. Remember you have a right to ask questions, and expect to be treated with dignity and respect. You are under no obligation to answers their questions. (And believe me they will ask you things like "why have you waited so long" or "why would you want to hurt your parents by searching." These things are NONE of their business. ) Report rude behavior to supervisors. Whenever possible build a rapport with those you are dealing with, but keep in mind these people are not your friends.
Be good to yourself.
Take an occasional break from your search. Seek counseling if you have trouble keeping your priorities in order, find yourself becoming obsessive, or are dealing with excessive grief, guilt, or fears of rejection. This search process is as much about finding YOURSELF as it is about finding your family member. Give yourself time to heal and assimilate new information.
Help Others in their search efforts.
What goes around comes around.
You may soon be the one in need of help or encouragement.
You might be surprised at the resources you develop by helping others.
Build relationships with people on all sides of the Triad.
Even if they aren't a fellow Birth Mother, Adoptee or Aparent. Open lines of communication between all sides of the TRIAD will result in a wealth of information, new perspectives, and in some cases lasting friendships.
Only by working together will we ensure that there will be no more secrets and no more lies......
Let's all start working towards healing hearts instead of tearing hearts asunder!!
May God Bless each of you a with speedy and happy reunion.
And don't forget to drop me a line if my pages have helped you get there <grin>
Rose
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