The system currently in place denies these children their fundamental rights.   They have no medical history,  no heritage,  and no past.   They are forced to lie about who they are on school papers,  and to their friends,  in order to keep from feeling as if they were little more than homeless waifs,  that society pitied enough to take charge of.   And though many of these children are now adults, the system continues to treat them as children,  pretending to know what is in their best interests.   It denies them the right to find peace within their own hearts,  by allowing them to find something as simple as their identity.

Birth parents,  usually forced to relinquish children because of circumstances or age,  are also left with gaping holes in their hearts.   Many are lied to, shamed, and pressured into relinquishing a child.   "Well meaning" social workers,  parents,  and society at large,  convince them that they are being selfish,  simply because they want to care for,  hold,  and love their own children.   A parent that has given birth to a child never stops wondering if their child has been well cared for,  or is safe from harm.   First Mothers find no peace until they know.

It is agreed that most Birth Mothers (except in the case of rape and similiar crimes) made choices that led to the pregnancy. And while they bear at least part of the responsibility for placing a child for adoption, it seems the "punishment is far worse than the crime." Few other "wrong choices" or crimes cause society to turn its' back forever, as it does (or has in times past done) in the case of an unmarried girl with an unplanned pregnancy. Society offers her no chance at redemption unless her "secret" is kept permanently hidden from view. This is a harsh injustice that the Birth Mother must swallow. She is villified and shamed, her child is labeled with cruel and hurtful names, and all the while the father of the child quite often escapes responsibility at all.

Many Birth Mothers feel as though they were given no choice in relinquishment,  and that their children were ripped from their arms,  taking a piece of their heart as well.   The truth is,  in some cases parents have been made to relinquish through blatant force or deception, but in most cases the lack of options was more subtle. The Birth Mother quite often was left feeling as though a "gun was held to her head", as she attempted to find a solution to an angry society, often without the help of the birth father, her family or any social agencies. Certainly a weighty problem to rectify, when the Birth Mother was often little more than a child herself. When most Birth Mothers say they had no choice in relinquishing their children, they speak the truth. The only other option available (and for some even that was illegal) was abortion, and that was unthinkable.

Most often Birth Mothers are given no chance to grieve the loss of a child, or to absorb the finality, or consequences, of the decision they are about to make.   No well meaning social worker ever offers the Birth Parent information on the emotional toll of adoption. They aren't told about the identity problems their child may suffer, or that birthing a child is something you will never forget. Birth Mother's arms ache to hold the child,  now out of their reach.  They soak their pillows at night with tears for their lost children.   Even though the events surrounding relinquishment may have been something outside of their control, most silently hide their shame,  feeling as though they are the only ones out there,  who have ever done such a thing.     Society and the system in place has shamed them into believing that they have no rights,  and are unworthy of even the most basic information-- that of knowing whether or not their child has been cared for.    Many birthmothers suffer from traumatic stress disorder,  as their subconscious attempts to protect them from events too  painful to remember.   No mother relinquishes a child easily,  in spite of what society might say to the contrary!!!    Many of these women have blocked out years of their lives,  others remain locked in the maturity level they were at the time of relinquishment.   Still others find their escape from the pain in alcohol or drugs, or engage in long term counseling or therapy.   If birthmothers have subsequent children, their child rearing is often altered.  Quite often they become over protective, or disassociate themselves from their children altogether, for fear that they will somehow loose another child.   Some endeavor to become "super-moms" to prove to society and to themselves that they could have raised their relinquished child,   had they only been afforded the opportunity of better circumstances.   For some the fear is so real they choose to remain childless for the rest of their lives.   The scars of  relinquishment carry over long after the papers are signed.   There is no "getting on with the rest of their lives" as they were promised by social agencies and family.   For the Birthmother there is no closure until she knows her child has been well provided for,  and she is given the opportunity to tell the child that he or she was always loved.

Most adoptive parents know in their hearts that they have become part of an unnatural chain of events, but their own desire to parent causes them to suppress any misgivings that they may have.   Deep down inside a part of them knows that nurture does not replace nature,  when it comes to the parent child relationship. If nothing else,  they know that their children will always have questions,  that can only be answered by another.   Many adoptive parents are resentful of the fact that the child still holds a place in his or her heart for this nameless stranger,  who according to all accounts,  so "easily" abandoned a child.   Rarely are these parents told by social workers of the pain that surrounded the relinquishment,  and so they view the birthmother (the other woman) as the enemy,  an unworthy rival for "their" child's affections.  The system now in place does not afford the adoptive parents the right to know this woman,  in order to answer their children's questions honestly,  and thereby deprives them of the right to meet the adopted child's most basic longings or put the child's fears to rest.  Desires that any parent,  whether natural or adoptive has.   Many adopted parents are even forced to live the lie,  knowing that birth certificates have been altered,  in an attempt to erase their child's past,  or because children have been illegally adopted.   Their lives are surrounded by fear that one day the truth will be discovered.  Many are so fearful and insecure that they choose never to divulge to the child that  he or she was adopted.  Still others refuse to release whatever identifying information they have on the Birth Parent to the child.    Even extended family members are sometimes called upon to keep up the pretense.   Rather than helping both sides to  realize that maybe just maybe two different sets of parents can love the same child, and have that child's best interests at heart, the system is designed to place adoptive parents at odds with the birthparents,  so that the truth about both sets of parents is never known by the other.   In part both the adoptive parents, and the natural parents, become victims of a system that pretends to know what information is necessary or can be handled by the other side.   Adoptive parents live in fear that they will never measure up to the faceless stranger,  who one day might knock at their door,  attempting to "steal" the heart of their child.   Because of this a great many of them begin to view their children as possessions,  clinging to them and hiding the truth from them out of fear, never realizing that their actions only serve to place a wedge between them and the child.    Many adoptive parents choose adoption because of infertility,  and for them feelings of inadequacy are common.   A great many adoptive parents over compensate for these feelings by trying to become "super parents to their adoptive children.   Since most children's agencies paint a picture to the adoptive parents of the down and out birthmother,  with nothing to give, adoptive parents quite frequently equate love with things.   Many incur great debts in trying to see to it that the hole in their children's hearts are filled with things the natural mother couldn't give,   thereby guaranteeing the child's loyalties.   The stress of adoption is more than some families can endure,  and a great many of these families are eventually broken through divorce.  Quite frequently within 5 years of the adoption.

The common theme that run through all sides of the Triad is that of fear.   Fear of rejection,  fear of the unknown,  and fear of discovery.   A great deal of this fear is set in place by social agencies, and society in general.   This fear  affords no one security or wholeness of heart.