ADAM & EVE

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find 
them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. 
Adam said, "This morning Eve and I made love for the first time." God said, 
"Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?" 
Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out." 
"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."


THE EPIC OF THE BAKED BEAN

Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans. He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. But they always
caused him a great deal of embarrassment shortly after eating them. The
reaction of his body to the beans was swift and terrible to behold.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they
would marry, he realized she might be even more embarrassed and humiliated
by his addiction to baked beans. He decided to make the supreme sacrifice
and give up his beloved baked beans. A short time later they were married.

Some months later, on his way home from work, his car broke down. He was
not too far from home so he decided to leave the car and walk the rest of
the way. He passed a small roadside cafe and decided to call his wife and
tell her that he would be late for supper. As he entered the cafe, the
smell of baked beans overwhelmed him. He still had several miles to go, and
decided that he could walk off any after-effects before reaching home.
Before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans. Even as
he left the cafe the effects began to be felt. He pooted up a hill, and 
poot-pooted down the other side. As he grew closer to home, the
frequency and forcefulness diminished greatly, and he felt reasonably safe.

Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside and
was seized with a terrible urgency. He waited just outside his front door
to release one last effort, his wife threw open the door. She excitedly 
exclaimed, "Darling, I have made the most wonderful surprise dinner for
you." She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the
table. Just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She
made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the
phone.

When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg
and loudly broke wind. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg.
He had a hard time breathing, so he took his napkin and began to fan the
air about him. He just started feeling better when he felt another urge.
He again raised one leg and let her rip. It sounded like a tuba and
smelled so bad that he started
gagging. He fanned until his arms ached. Things had just about returned to
normal when he felt another powerful urge. He shifted his weight to the
other leg and let go. This was the prize-winner. The windows rattled, the
dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were
dead.

While keeping one ear on the conversation in the hallway, he continued like
this for the next 15 or 20 minutes, fanning away each time with his napkin.
When the sounds of farewells indicated the end of the telephone
conversation, he neatly laid his napkin in his lap and folded his hands on
top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his
wife returned to the room.

Apologizing for talking so long, she asked if he had peeked. After
assuring her that he had not, she removed the blindfold, revealing the
dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!


BIRDIE NUM NUM 

A Guy with a long pony tail was lying naked on the beach, sun tanning
himself. An innocent girl walks past him and is intrigued by this naked 
mans body, specially his penis. She asks him what it is. The man replies
that it is his "birdie". She asks if she can play with his birdie to which
the man replies" of course, go right ahead, my birdie is very friendly" 
The girl commences fondling the mans birdie. Later, the man wakes up and
is in completely new surroundings and in great pain. The innocent girl
explains that she had to call an ambulance to have him removed to the ICU.
The man asks what happened.

The innocent girl goes on the defensive and says" Your birdie started it 
all. I was only playing with it when it spat at me, so I wrung it's neck,
broke its eggs and burnt its nest!!!!!!


BOOZE

A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. He drinks all three and
leaves. He comes in the next day and does the same thing. This goes on for
a few weeks, when the bartender asks him what's up with the three shots? 
The man says that he and his brothers made a pact that whenever one of them
goes into a bar, they'll have a drink for each of them. The bartender
says, "Wow, that's neat."

One day the man walks in to the bar and only orders two shots. The
bartender pours them, and asks, "Why only two today? Did one of your
brothers pass away?" "No," replied the man, "I quit drinking."


BORN FREE

An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with
orange, green, and blue spiked hair. After a few moments, the young man
said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?"

The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and
I was wondering if you might be my son . . . "