More redneck wav files

You've ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.

Your kid calls your sister, mom.

You think icing is what you do to your front steps before your mother in law comes over.

You drink gas because you found out you can run two and a half miles per hour faster.

You've ever tried to drown a fish.

You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.

You drink Labatt 50

You've ever had to knock the spider webs down to use the bathroom.

Your son says, "Dad, can I have a can of mix?"

Your Christmas stocking is full of ammo.

You go to the DMV to transfer the title to your home.

You can yell to your mom, "Hey, Aunt Betty!"

You wonder why there isn't a hairstyle called "The Hat Line."

You actually like Spam.

Your pickup truck has a bigger turning radius than your house.

You send a request to a major fragrance designer to try to recreate the smell of a dead skunk.

Your wife howls at the moon more than your huntin' dogs.

The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.

You go swimming in the drainage ditch behind your house.

You cuss and refer to your wife, mother, aunt, and sister with one word.

Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.

You have more pet names for your huntin' dog than for your girlfriend.

You mistake the offering plate for a spit can.

You go to church to pick up women.

You bring your dog with you to church.

You think that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are similar.

You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.

Your only tie is made of leather, silver and turquoise.

You buy a can of Mountain Dew just to serve as a container to spit tobacco juice in.

Your house gets picked up every week.

If bar-b-que is a daily thing.

You think that the Dark Side is a room in your house.

You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.

You've ever held a guy over your head because of a fight over a CD radio.

You think a Ford Mustang is a new bread of horse.

You prefer to sleep in the truck than in your house.

You have heard more than four people say "Your mamma...she's naked!" before running out of a room with new heart conditions.

You've ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.

You break wind in public and blame it on your kid.

You've ever valet parked a snowplow.

You vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.

You've ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.

You've ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.

You kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year's eve party.

You've ever paid for a 6-pack of beer with pennies.

There are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.

You have a Bud Light pool table light hanging over your dining room table.

The strongest smell in your house is butane.

Your dog passes gas and you claim it.

You've ever mistaken your Aunt Betty for a man.

You think paprika is a Third World country.

You ask the preacher, "How's it hanging?"

You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.

You have a bumper sticker that says, "My mother's an honor student" at the local junior high.

You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.

You played the banjo in your high school band.

The velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway.

You have no hubcaps on your car because you're using them to feed you hunting dogs.

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You've ever used lard in bed.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You pick your teeth from a catalog.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."

Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event.

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

You go to the family reunion to pick up women.

You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

None of your shirts cover your stomach.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

The rear cars on your car are twice the size of your front ones.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You prominently display a gift you bought a Graceland.

You use the term 'over yonder' more than once a month.

Birds are attracted to your beard.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute."

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

Bikers back down from your momma.

You were shooting pool when your kids were born.

Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.

You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.

The first words out of your mother every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?"

You have more that two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.

You clean your nails with a stick.

You prefer car keys to a Q-tip.

People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.

Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Your Christmas tree is still up in March.

You've ever been arrested for loitering.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You've ever shot anyone for looking at you. You own a homemade fur coat.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

There is a wasp nest in your living room.

The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes you voice.

You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

There has ever been crime scene tape on your front door.

You burn your front yard rather than mow it.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.

Your car has never had a full tank of gas.

Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.

Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.

You're an expert on worm beds.

The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"

Your family tree does not fork.

The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.

You haul more than U-Haul.

Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"

There is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Your wedding was held in the delivery room.

Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.

Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."

The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.

Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

You can't visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.

Your mother doesn't put on her shoes to go grocery shopping.

You've ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.

You honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

Anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.

You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.

You've ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.

Your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.

You owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income.

You've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.

You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest."

You roll your hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

You've never paid for a haircut.

You consider a three-piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

You think the Mountain Men is Deliverance were just "misunderstood."

You've ever made change in the offering plate.

The fifth grade is referred to as " your senior year."

You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.

You own at least 20 baseball caps.

You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

Your screen door has no screen.

Your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one that hangs'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."

Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.

When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.

You have house that's mobile and 14 cars that aren't.

Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."

Your 'huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.

You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.

You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue and Primer Gray are the three primary colors.

You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.

The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire... on her house.

The ASPCA raids your kitchen.

You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

You celebrate Groundhog's Day because you believe in it.

Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

You've been on TV more than 5 times describing what the tornado sounded like.

You fish in your above-ground pool... and catch something.

You see a sign that says "Say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

Getting a page from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Your wife wants to stop at the gas station too see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You."

You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it.)

You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

Your classes at school were canceled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

During your senior year, you and your mother had homeroom together.

You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

On your fist date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"

You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."

You have a color coordinated rope that ties down your car hood.

You bring your dog to work with you.

Your grandmother can properly execute the sleeper hold.

You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.

Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.

Your masseuse uses lard.

Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.

You use your fishing license as a form of ID

On stage night, you take a real deer.

You use a 55 Chevy as a guesthouse.

Your back porch is bigger than your house.

You've ever hollered, "Rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital.

Your kids' favorite bedtime story is "Curious George and the High Voltage Fence.

Your watchband is wider than any book you've ever read.

You know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series.

You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.

Your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise.

You have more carpet on your toilet than on your floors.

Your dad walks you to school because your in the same grade.

You've ever been too drunk to fish.

Someone asks for your ID and you show 'em your belt buckle.

Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

Every day somebody comes to your door mistakenly thinking that you're having a yard sale.

The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.

You prefer to walk the access length of your jeans rather than hem them.

You smoked during your wedding.

People ask to hunt in your front yard.

Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.

Your check feature pictures of dogs fighting.

Your mother has ever come out of the bathroom and said, "Ya'll come look at this before I flush it.

Your satellite dish is bigger than your house.

Your tires on your truck are bigger than your wife.

You've ever driven a tractor to school.

Your high school prom had a day care center.

You have more than five magazines on the back of your toilet.

There is a shrine to the Dukes of Hazard somewhere in your home.

Your dad has ever been married so many times that U-haul gives him Christmas cards.

You had a necklace made from a beer tab.

Your grandma got in a fist-fight over a handicap parking space.

You think the Indy 500 is 500 Indians running down a hill.

If your life long dream is to get the autograph of the General Lee from
the TV show Dukes of Hazard.

If you apologize to your car repeatedly just to get it started.

If you pet someone else's dog and your wife thinks you're flirting.

If your idea of a night on the town is ordering two Big Macs and a large fry.

If the couch in your living room was found beside the curb.

If the furniture on your front lawn is in better condition then the furniture in your living room.

If your idea of home improvement is rearranging the cars in your front
yard.

If your "I Love...." tattoo has more than one name crossed out on it.

If you met your first and present wife at the Dairy Queen.

If your idea of a divorce settlement is splitting the bills equally.

If you have at least one of those clapper devices controlling the appliances in your house.

If you've ever thought about trying to install a clapper device on your car as a remote starter.

If you refuse to live in a house because there isn't enough room for all
of your cars.

If you memorize redneck jokes so you can be the life of the party.

If more than one of your friends shows up at your Halloween party wearing a lampshade asking "Know what I am?"

If your girlfriends idea of safe sex is to lock the car door.

If the entire police force of your town knows you on a first name basis.

If you have a 'reserved' cell at the police station.

If you've ever tried to marry a judge just to get out of paying a traffic ticket.

If you think a blood alcohol test is used to make sure there isn't any blood in your case of beer.

If you watch the "Jeff Foxworthy Show" religiously.

If you lie awake at night thinking of redneck jokes to submit to Jeff
Foxworthy.

If you prefer to kill what you eat rather than buying what you eat.

If the Home Shopping channel is the second most watched program in your house (Hee-Haw being the first).

You think going formal is wearing your good overalls.

You own the big truck that transports trailer homes.

Your mobile home still has the flags and signs that say "Wide Load."

Your home grown vegetables are grown on your kitchen window sill.

Your dog has it's own place setting at the dinner table.

You claim your pets as dependents on your income tax.

Everyday at your house is a family reunion.

You have your own dog kennel in your back yard.

You've found every one of your pets.

You've ever tied a leash on a grasshopper.

The most common phrase in your house is "Somebody go jiggle the handle."

You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.

You call rust a quality paint job.

If you've ever been a member of the KKK at more than one time.

Someone yells hoe-down and your girlfriend hits the floor.

You stare at a can of orange juice because it says concentrate.

Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.

You swerve to hit a deer.

You can play the star spangled banner on your beer gut.

Your momma and your dog bathe together.

The grocery store clerk wouldn't believe the Skoal was for your mom.

You know all the lyrics to the hit song CONVOY.

Your definition of hard drive is a pickup truck with no seat cushions on a bumpy road.

You use a tire for a sled.

Your bathroom air freshener is a pack of matches.

You got married at a monster truck rally.

Your not allowed to mention the game warden at the table.

Your Aunt Birtha used to be your Uncle Joe.

You wore your Carhart overalls and matching coat to your senior prom.

You use a Coleman lantern as your only source of heat.

You have to slip a bottle of Jack Daniels to the emissions guy so that your truck will pass.

You've ever used the scope on your huntin' rifle to locate your kids.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it.

You enter a fully functioning, deserted restroom and urinate in the sink.

You brush your tooth less than you comb your eyebrow.

You only know one foreign city, Copenhagen.

If your house and your barn are the same building.

If your best crystal used to contain snuff.

You consider muskrat a gourmet food.

Your house is on wheels and three cars in the yard.

You have a horse and he eats the same foods you do.

You take spurs to show off at your local public school.

Your toenails curl before you cut them.

Socks in bed turn you on.

You think a sieve is part of your shirt.

You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.

You took a beer to a job interview.

You think when someone says the word rig and it reminds you of a pair of suspenders.

Your mom is the man of the house.

You wear a bra under a strapless dress.

If you've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

You think another name for a pay toilet is Johnny Cash.

Your dad and your tires are both bald.

Your wife has only one bra and you have 10 fishing poles.

Your neighbors swing is a better tire than you have on your truck.

You live in a $24,500 trailer and have a $2,425,000 bass boat.

Your tractor hat and coat are the same color.

Your idea of a gourmet meal is the noon special at the truck stop.

You think straight D's is the honor roll.

You think payday is when the welfare check comes.

You think multi-cultural means you have more than one virus at a time.

When someone mentions a sleeping bag you think of your wife.

You think buying from the good humor truck is ordering alacarte.

The best art work you own is a cut out from a twelve pack of beer.

If you have to mow your driveway.

You own any willow furniture you made yourself.

You have a collar and your dog doesn't.

You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.

Your front porch collapses and four dogs got killed.

You stand in line for more than 7 hours for your deer tags.

If your mother drives a tractor-trailer and her friends call her "Butch".

If your backyard looks like a junkyard.

You spend more money on Copenhagen and Budweiser in a year than you do on your whole family.

You think tractor pulling should be the national sport.

Your dad walks you to school because you are in the same grade.

You've ever dipped snuff during a job interview.

You ask for all your teeth for Christmas.

If your momma's beard is thicker than yours.

You ever re-mortgaged your house to buy a bass boat.

Everyone you know has more than one first name.

You ever made change in the offering plate.

Your momma can tell the highway patrolman to kiss off without taking the cigarette out of her mouth.

You have ever gone to a concert in the Wall Mart parking lot.

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Drivers, Start Your Engines".

Your think your license plate is personalized because your father made it in prison.

You think Dr. School is a miracle worker.

You've ever taken a stair off your house and used it as a running board on your truck.

You have an imprint of a tobacco can on the back pocket of your favorite blue jeans.

Someone asks you the time and you say "January".

You've ever been pulled over by the Coast Guard.

Directions like "up the road a piece" means you have to pack a lunch.

You ever walked two miles from your house to go to the bathroom.

The only gold you own is in your mouth.

You're related to everyone at the high school reunion.

You are the state cow tipping champ.

Your toothbrush has more hair than your dog.

You consider a six-pack life support.

You like the idea that there are 24 beers in a case and 24 hours in a day.

Your family vehicle bears the name John Deere.

Your yard is cleaner after a tornado than before.

Your mom ran off with the neighbor's dog.

You have more jewelry than Deion Sanders and it comes from the Home Shopping Network.

You need to tattoo your name on your hand so you can remember it.

You think a goat is an indoor animal.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

Your wife ruins her best dress going coon hunting.

The neighborhood tire relay winner is the fastest one to change all the tires on his house.

Your family tree forms a wreath.

If the contents of your fishing tackle box is worth more than your house.

You mow your front lawn and discover five cars.

People come up and ask you daily if you're having a yard sale.

You have to drive past more than three junk cars and a gutted deer to get your mail.

You go to a class reunion and all five of you are related.

Your family tree doesn't branch.

You apply for a home improvement loan to buy a new topper for your pickup truck.

If you think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's teeth.

You've ever worn your feed hat to a wedding.

Your wife has to shave more than you do.

If you've got a green neck from wearing your fine jewelry.

You have a gun rack on your riding lawn mower.

Your driving school consisted of Dukes of Hazzard re-runs and a demolition derby.

You show the officer your belt buckle when he asks for identification.

You and the game warden are on a first name basis.

Your garage looks better than your house.

Your idea of a first date is a monster truck rally.

You ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.

You have more money between your couch cushions than in your wallet.

Your clothes are older than you.

You have a home that's mobile and 14 cars that aren't.

You would give up your house instead of our boat.

The only 4.0 you got was on a breathalyzer test.

If you have one or more deerblinds in your front yard.

You use more duct tape than common sense.

You prefer Monday Night wrestling to Seinfeld.

You read all these Redneck jokes as bedtime stories.

You slash open boxes of cereal with a knife because you consider yourself a serial killer.

Your wife counts a hammer among her cooking utensils.

Your 2 year old has more teeth than you do.

Your house has taillights but your car doesn't.

"Over Thar" is part of your vocabulary.

You and your dog share the same name.

The dash of your car has more carpet on it than your entire house.

Your family tree consists of you and your dog.

Your favorite comedian is Jeff Foxworthy.

Your house is on wheels and your car isn't.

Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.

Your wallet and your dog are both on a chain.

Your dog weighs more than you do.

You know all the stock car driver's numbers by heart.

You rotate your tires more often than you take a bath.

You yelled, "Rock the house Bubba" at a piano recital.

You think harass is two words.

After 20 years of marriage you find out your wife is your cousin.

You take notes while watching The Three Stooges.

Your new car is a John Deere.

You go to the city dump and leave with more than you took.

While raking leave you fall out of the tree.

Your truck is higher than your house.

You think Fast Food is hitting a deer at 60 mph.

You go ice fishing and you bring back 200 pounds of ice.

You have a Waffle House credit card. Birds are attracted to your beard.

You go to a family reunion to meet women.

You're no
You have the entire WWF slurpie cup collection proudly displayed on a shelf in your trailer.

Your favorite mixed drink includes Yoo-Hoo.

You think "Hooked on Phonics" is a fishing show.

You've ever attended a dance at the bus station.

Your guest bedroom is also your tool shed.

You spend 3 days in line for Reba tickets.

You can't keep your cats out of your car at night because the interior smells like fried chicken.

You think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.

You drive more than 30 miles to save money on a pack of cigarettes.

You spend most of your time in the Laundromat so you can watch TV.

Grass is growing in the floorboards of your car.

The highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box.

The auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.

You own a flamingo with buckshot holes in it.

Your third-grade class had a no-smoking section.

Your wife left you for last year's winner of the hog-calling contest.

Your flashlight holds more than 4 batteries.

It took the smartest kid in your 6^th-grade class 3 times to pass his driving test.

You cut your wedding cake with a chain saw.

You cut your toenails in front of company.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

You ask for the honeymoon suite at the Motel 6.

You hear a siren and your first instinct is to hide.

You use a bedsheet as a sofa cover.

You use the shaving cream made for tough beards�and so does your husband.

You regularly see kinfolks on "America's Most Wanted."

You refuse to slide in softball because you don't want to crush your cigarettes.

The emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name.

Your car has more than two exhaust pipes.

People come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.

Your house plants aren't in pots.

You wear a tank top to your mother's funeral.

Your front yard looks like Toys R Us after a tornado.

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

Everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rearview mirror.

You've ever accepted an invitation written on a bathroom wall.

Making beer is a neighborhood project.

You've ever gotten into a fist fight in a Laundromat over a dryer.

There is a restraining order on your pets.

You secretly get your firewood from your neighbor's yard.

Your best jacket has an advertisement on the back of it.

Your car insurance deductible is higher than the value of your car.

Your 5-year-old can rebuild a carburetor.

You take a nap with at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

In preparation for your upcoming wedding, you register your Tupperware pattern.

You consider tattooing a do-it-yourself job.

One of your fantasies involves a bulldozer.

You are famous for your impression of a dog choking on a chicken bone.

You were expelled from summer school.

You've ever been asked for your autograph at a rattlesnake roundup.

You attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.

Your baby's crib mobile is made out of beer cans.

You've ever been asked to leave Shoney's all-you-can-eat breakfast.

Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.

Your picture is on the wall of more than 3 bait stores.

Your favorite NASCAR souvenir is the result of a wreck.

You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.

You've ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.

You have a grave in your front yard.

You've ever stolen toilet paper.

You think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.

Your deceased hunting dog's tombstone is larger than your grandfather's.

You wake up in the morning already dressed for work.

You think the police can't see you because your truck is painted camouflage.

Your car ashtray is so packed, you can�t get it out.

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

You're driving a vehicle with no original body parts.

You quit your job because deer season's fixin' to start.

Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

You punish your children by taking away their chewing tobacco.

You use the "O" on the stop sign in front of your house to sight your new rifle.

You've ever gotten carbon monoxide poisoning while driving your vehicle.

You screen door has no screen.

You open beer bottles with your belt buckle.

You've ever filled your deer tag on a golf course.

There is a trophy in your house with the word "spitting" on it.

You've ever shot someone over a mall parking space.

Your church has a "happy hour."

Your family reunion is sponsored by a beer company.

The receptionist is responsible for checking the rat raps at your place of business.

There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

You think every bottle of wine comes with a screw cap.

You wear your softball uniform even on the days you�re not playing.

Your pickup truck used to be a car.

Your favorite fishing lure is TNT.

Your dates regularly expect you to light their cigars.

You stockpile pork and beans.

Your daddy handed out cigarettes the day you were born.

You spit on your own floor.

You use baling wire to keep your car door closed.

Your mom is lighting bottle rockets with her cigarette while walking the children on Halloween.

You've ever lost your wife in a game of poker.

Your house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies.

You send your kid in for treatment because you think he's hooked on phonics.

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
You've ever been arrested for loitering.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her a--.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
You're an expert on worm beds.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
Your family tree does not fork.
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
You haul more than U-Haul.
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Bikers back down from your momma.
You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the h--l are you looking at, Sh-thead?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You've ever bought a used cap.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You've never paid for a haircut.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
Your screen door has no screen.
Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
Your masseuse uses lard.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
On stag night, you take a real deer.
You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
Your back porch is bigger than your house.
There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
You think cur is a breed of dog.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You've ever hitchhiked naked,
You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
You list your parole officer as a reference.
There are more fish on your wall than pictures.
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
You don't think Jeff's jokes are funny. :)

The Twelve Days of Christmas
On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
12 pack of Bud,
11 rasslin' tickets,
tin of Copenhagen,
9 years probation,
8 table dancers,
7 packs of Red Man,
6 cans of Spam,
5 flannel shirts,
4 big mud tires,
3 shotgun shells,
2 huntin' dawgs,
and some parts to a Mustang GT.