Do You Love Me?

I do not understand why many men (including myself) find romance a
difficult exercise.  For the first few years of my marriage, my wife
would sometimes implore me to be romantic. I did not understand what she
was trying to tell me.  I thought things between us were fine but
apparently we both expressed ourselves poorly.  We misunderstood each
other and were in a recurring cycle of frustration over unmet needs.
 
One day, we filled out a Keirsey Temperament Sorter, which is based upon
the Meyers-Briggs Temperament Indicator (MBTI).  My wife and I
discovered things about each others' temperament that have helped us to
make sense of our miscommunications.
 
She would often ask, "Do you love me?"  This simple question bothered me
because it sounded to me as if she was calling my love into question.
Her temperament (ISFJ) seeks frequent affirmation, especially from the
people most important to her.  A person of my temperament (ENTJ) reasons
that I had already told her that I love her.  Therefore, it was
unnecessary of her to ask, and equally unnecessary for me to tell her
over and over. ENTJs find redundancy distasteful, and I didn't think I
needed to restate something she should know.
 
I discovered that my need to tell her was not the issue at all.  She was
expressing her need to hear me tell her that I love her. I also soon
recognized that her desire for romance was a plea and not an attack on
me.  My wife began to understand, too, that my lack of frequent feedback
did not mean that my love had grown cold, but instead meant that I
continued to love her.
 
Joy and I want to continually improve our relationship throughout the
life of our marriage, which means we had to put this new understanding
into action.  I  tell her more often that I love her. And when I lapse, I
do not mind that she reminds me by asking.  She does not feel as
unloved, even when she has to prompt me out of my temperament.
Temperament does not have to lock us into certain behaviors.  By
recognizing our own tendencies, we can work to ensure that we meet each
others needs.  You can, too.
 
I confess that I have not mustered up enough creativity to meet her
desired number of romantic moments, but I do try from time to time.  For
our 12th anniversary on May 12th, I gave her a gift of 12 things for
each of the first 12 days in May.  It was like the 12 days of Christmas!
I also showed how each of the gifts represented something special in our
married life. Our twelfth anniversary was a big success.  (I'm glad we
didn't marry on the 31st!)
 
Not every romantic encounter needs to be a mind-blowing, feet-sweeping
experience.  Romance is a drive in the country without the kids, holding
hands (a lost passion on too many folks), lighting a single candle,
reading Proverbs 31 aloud and making it personal to her, an unexpected
gift, and more.  I suspect to many wives, as it was to my ISFJ, it is
like water on parched ground.