Parental Control

Before we deal with children, we must first deal with ourselves. This is why it was important for us to spend so much time on our own relationship to God and our mate, before moving into our relationship with our children.

This week, we'll be focusing on the child in the parent-child relationship and discussing ways that we can put the principles of good parenting to use. Specifically, we'll talk about the most difficult part of child-rearing: discipline ... for both loving control and dealing with problem situations.

As a parent, I know how much I wish I did not ever have to discipline my children. But I also know that if I had not disciplined them when it was necessary, the minor troubles would grow into unmanageable monsters (if not the children themselves turning into monsters).

For those of us who have stubborn children, and for those of us who have allowed our children to have nearly free reign for too long, let me assure you that it is [probably] not too late to apply some of the behavior controls we'll be discussing today. But I should warn you that if you have been letting your child get away with things, it may be very difficult to bring them into proper behavior, but continuing in a destructive pattern makes the fight to take back your child's control of his or her life worth fighting.

Remember that the authoritative parenting style was high control and high support. By controlling a child when he or she is a child, (and by supporting the child in good measure), it frees the child when he or she becomes an adult to be a benefit to society and not a detriment.

Hebrews 12:11 says, "All discipline for the moment seems to be not joyful but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness."

The fact is that when a child controls the parents, no one is content. The very thing that a placating parent hopes to avoid - a discontented child - is the very thing that the parents are creating; a child who may very well never know what it is to be content; at peace. Placation and reinforcement for poor behavior does not help a child or his parents; it in fact harms them all and there is no peace.

Valuing Your Child

Sometimes children do and say some very adult things; sometimes adults do some very childish things. However, children need guidance in life to become effective young Christian people, as we described as part of the goals for good parenting.

Children are people and not part of our material inventory. While this statement may seem like a no-brainer to some of us, there are some who treat children as assets to their family, much like the BMW in the garage. This is not the attitude one should have about children when applying loving controls on a child.

We need to realize (and remind ourselves often) that we have an "adult in the making" under our supervision, and not a trained monkey. Treat your child with the respect and dignity that any human deserves.

Control and Restriction

It is similar with children: controls and restrictions help to ensure that others are safe from the unbridled child, but more importantly, it helps to ensure that the child remains safe and grows to become a responsible adult.

As parents we must "train the child in the way that he should go" not "placate the child...", not "let the child do what he wants...", not "bottle things up and blow up at the child...".

Punishment Versus Discipline

Agreeing on Terms

Before you can develop principles and methods about child-rearing, you must be clear with each other just what you both want in your children's behavior.

As your child grows, discuss your child's behavior and develop strategy to maintain good behavior and discourage poor behavior.  Bringing in your past models, either good or bad, can be a help but don't be tied to these; they may have been inadequate models.  By discussing what you expect the child's behavior to be, you can then discuss strategies for encouraging it, and hopefully minimizing the need for negative reinforcement.

You must be united in purpose and implementation to effectively develop your children into well-adjusted people. And if your spouse told child "no," do not countermand it. If you countermand something your spouse said without knowing that your spouse had first said it, your child is trying to manipulate you and he or she should be punished (appropriately).

Communicate your unity to your child, together:  tell them that Mommy and Daddy are of one mind, and if Mommy says "no," then daddy says "no," too, and they are not to play this kind of game.

Communication

Good and bad behavior begins with knowing exactly what we expect good and bad behavior to be. We need to communicate our expectations and rewards for good behavior and also to communicate the consequences of bad behavior,

Communicating these expectations leads to family rules. In developing family rules, consider the following criteria:

 · A good rule is reasonable...
...and a reasonable rule is easily communicated. For example, reasons for not playing in the street or near a wood stove can easily be explained because there is an obvious benefit by avoiding  this behavior.

I believe Dobson said it something like this: "You wouldn't let your 2-year old drive your car because he or she is not yet capable of handling the skill or responsibility required to do so."

Family rules can benefit both parent and child, like bedtime, for instance:

• It gives the child the sleep they need (despite the fact that they nearly always say they do not need it).
• And, just as importantly, it gives Mom and Dad some necessary evening time together to keep their relationship strong.
• A good rule can be understood and can be carried out by the child.

· Evaluate your rules and be willing to change them, if necessary.

Like we just stated, rules that were effective and appropriate at age 4 may not be effective or appropriate at age 6. At age 2, Andrew was not allowed to touch the VCR and needed to be reminded periodically. Miranda has been instructed in its proper use and simply had to ask for permission.

Miranda (at 10-years old) could make some things at the stove now without Supervision (we supervised her first few times); when Emily  was 4-years old, she was able to make toast.

If we were to told 2-year old Andrew, "Go to your room," we may as well be telling the kitchen table to go to Andrew's room. At that age, Andrew was responding to different stimuli at his stage in life than he does now. At 2, Andrew responded to physical reprimands; at 10, he responds to deprivation of privileges.

Spanking is no longer necessary (nor used) for Andrew.  But there was a stage in his life where it was the best and perhaps only communication that he understood for setting limits on undesirable behavior.

NOTE: "Spanking" means too many things to too many people.  Beating is always unacceptable.  Some form of physical reprimand is not unacceptable and in some cases the only way to administer discipline.  But you must treat each child according to his or her abilities, needs, and maturity, not according to a rigid set of inflexible rules.

· A good rule is consistent with the individual child.

This seems out of place with being willing to change the rules. This is because you should only change the rules when you realize that they are inconsistent, no longer applicable, or unfair to others under your roof.

It is extremely important to follow through with support and discipline in any and every setting. Do not have rules for the home, and rules for the restaurant, and rules for company - have rules for good behavior.

· A good rule is consistent in any locality.

Have your children ever misbehaved in a restaurant or in a store? Your child knows when he or she is in public, that Mom or Dad is more likely to appease their demands.

I once had to remove Miranda from a restaurant when she was 2-years old. I told her to behave. I then told her to behave or I would take her outside to the car and spank her. I then had to take her out to the car and spank her. Before returning to the restaurant, I communicated my expectation that she would now behave well or I would spank her again and she would not like it. She behaved nicely for the rest of the meal (to the amazement of some of the patrons).

· A good rule is consistent between siblings.

If you make one child eat an undesirable vegetable one night, but the following night you allow another child to get away without eating their undesirable vegetable, you foster sibling jealousy, sibling rivalry, low-self esteem ("she likes him better"), and bad feelings.

It is good for you to be flexible in some areas.

With things like vegetables, it is perfectly permissible to waive a rule like this, so long as you treat all the children the same. With child 1: "You do not have to eat the spinach tonight." Next time with child 2: "You do not have to eat your lima beans, tonight."
This is actually extending a privilege to your child.

Be very sure that you communicate that your waiver is an exception and that the rule for eating lima beans will be in effect the next time you have them. Failing to communicate that this is an exception to the rule sets up the expectation that the child can decline anytime he or she chooses.

Be very careful of the rules you waive. If you do them too often, you establish a pattern of erosion. And DO NOT waive the important things like undesirable behavior; I am talking about extending privileges (like staying up an extra half hour, not having to eat an undesirable vegetable, etc.); never excuse misbehavior!

Ensure that you and your child understand each other regarding expected behavior.

Encouraging Good Behavior

Sometimes, the best way to teach your child about inappropriate behavior is to let them experience the natural negative consequences of their actions. For example, a child of constantly teases a kitten may learn best if the kitten scratches back. A child who is repeatedly forgets to bring her lunch to school might remember better if she goes without lunch one day.  It may sound terrible, but the child will only experience discomfort, not danger.

Of course, there is a limit to this type of teaching. It is absurd to allow your child to play in the street.  Never put your child in danger. As parents, we much each determine if the consequences would be too dangerous or serious to allow our children to experience first-hand.

· Logical Consequences

As a child gets older, this becomes one of the most important methods of developing good behavior. The benefits of logical consequences are numerous:

1. The consequence does the teaching.
 
2. Logical consequences avoid arbitrary punishments which can sometimes be too harsh for, or unrelated to, poor behavior. Arbitrary punishments can produce resentment in a child.
 
3. When communicated ahead of time, the child will more readily accept a logical consequence punishment, (which is not to say they'll enjoy it, of course). When the cause and effect is understood by the child, he or she will recognize that the punishment, although not fun, is fair.

4. When you have a punishment to impose on a child, a logical consequence makes you less likely to give in to being frustrated, and nagging or angrily lecturing your child (which rarely has an effect, anyway).

• If a child leaves his tricycle in the driveway, the tricycle might be taken away for a few days. (And make it stick.)
• Develop the family rule: "If you make a mess, clean it up."
• A child who cannot get up on time in the morning may need to go to bed that much earlier the next evening.
• Toys and things left in the living room might "disappear" for a week or so. Have a "banishment box" that things go into that is not allowed to be touched until the predetermined time has elapsed. Let me tell you that many children won't miss a toy that much, with all the toys they have, but it is extremely effective with a favorite toy, pillow, or blanket.
• A child who sneaks an extra TV show when mom is busy may lose TV privileges the next day.

· Reinforcement

Reinforcement is another powerful tool to encourage children to become well-adjusted, good-natured individuals.

The principle of reinforcement states that behavior that is rewarded will be repeated. This includes both good and bad behavior.

1. Use something your child wants to happen to reinforce something that you want to happen.

Use positive language, whenever possible. For example, "As soon as you make your bed, you can go out and play." Instead of, "You can't go out and play until you make your bed."

"As soon as you are quiet, I'll finish reading the story." Not "if you don't be quiet I'll stop reading the story."

Stating things positively is a matter of self-training and discipline. Work at it.

Rewards can be something like the following:
 

Stars on a chart for accomplished chores

A trip to the ice cream parlor for going a whole week with sucking his or her thumb

A TV movie for completing all the homework assignments on time.

Rewards can be short-range (at the end of the day), mid-range (at the end of the week or month), or long-range (at the end of summer or the school year).

Too often we give our children feedback when they are misbehaving, and sometimes children will misbehave to get our attention, because negative attention is better than no attention at all. Be sure that you give positive reinforcement at a different time than the times your child misbehaves for attention.

Remember I said that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. Love and hate are passions and they impact us; indifference leaves a vacuum, a void, an emptiness.

Make a point to notice and say something about your child's good behavior. "You did a great job on making you bed this morning." "I noticed that you asked your brother if you could use his crayons instead of just taking them -good for you!" "Thank you for not interrupting me while I was on the phone. Now what did you need?"

DO NOT coax your child to come to the dinner table with a cookie. You will teach your child that the way to get a cookie is to disobey and not come to the table when called.

DO NOT pick up or cuddle your child when he or she whines and fusses. You will teach your child that the way to get cuddled is to whine and fuss. We often say something like this to our whining children: "I'm sorry, but I do not understand you when you whine."

DO NOT allow your child to disobey you without an appropriate punishment. You will teach your child that what you say is not what you mean. You also teach your child that he or she is in control to do what they want. This is not the way to enable your child to explore his potentials. Do you want to see how poor his behavior can become? Is this the potential you want to see?

The principle of extinction states that behavior that goes unrewarded will eventually disappear.

If you do not feed (with your actions and attitudes) the bad (or the good) behavior, it will not grow. Of course, we want to feed the good behavior and starve the bad behavior; we want to reinforce the good behavior and extinguish the bad behavior.

Tantrums are shows that are effective only when they are noticed. I have observed that when my children are punished and sent to their room, their cries become much louder when they get to their room. They want to make certain in no uncertain terms that we know they don't like being punished. (Who does?)

If the tantrum or crying become defiant, the child pounds on the walls or breaks things, then you need to take firm action. This usually means corporal punishment followed by a resumption of the previous punishment. The child should continue to be ignored in their
room to discourage such behavior.

· When our children whine at us, we often use something like this: "I'm sorry, but I do not understand you when you whine, so I will not answer you."  It is doubly important to respond when the child doesn't whine!

· When we brought Miranda home from the hospital, she kept us up all night; in the hospital they have lights on all day so she didn't have any concept of day or night. The following night, I put Miranda up in our room at 7 o'clock after she had been fed and changed (all her needs were taken care of). She screamed and screamed for hours. Joy would look at me plaintively and say, "but what if there something wrong?"

Joy checked on her every hour or two to make sure the diaper was dry and to assure her that everything was all right (we weren't abandoning her), but that was all! We did not pick her up.

At around 10:30 or 11:00, we went to bed. Joy fed Miranda who, by this time had been screaming in a darkened room for almost four hours. Miranda ate and went to sleep, exhausted and woke up for feeding at around 4 in the morning. The next evening, she got into a routine of sleeping at night time, except for her feedings.

Jessica was more of a crier, so this extinction technique has its limits. But it worked for Miranda.

· If the child's need are met, the parent can gently and firmly refuse to entertain a child at night and go back to bed. If you have behavior that is already entrenched, start your discipline and hold out as long as you can. It may take hours the first few days, then half-hours for another week, then minutes after that.

· Spanking

Spanking is probably the most controversial subject in regard to disciplining children. Joy and I have spanked our children, mainly when they were young. We do not have to spank much at all as they grow older. I can't remember the last time I spanked my children.

He who spares the rod hates his son, and he who loves him is careful to discipline him.-Proverbs 13:24

Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him. -Proverbs 22:15

The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to itself disgraces his mother. -Proverbs 29:15

Consider the following things regarding spanking:

· Do not spank in anger.

Spanking should be administered as a controlled response to deliberate disobedience.

How young? Miranda received her first swat on the rear when she was 6-months old. The time to begin spanking is when your child is old enough to consciously choose to disobey you.

Miranda was told not to touch my phonograph records, which she did not do while Joy was in the room. (Joy could tell the wheels were spinning in this little girl's mind.) When Joy left the room, she observed Miranda where Miranda could not see her. Miranda checked to ensure that her mother was gone and made a bee-line for the records. It was deliberate.

· You cannot reason with a toddler when they are being defiantly disobedient. Children will love and respect their parents more of they have the courage to be decisive and control through loving authority and family leadership.

Dealing with Problem Situations

 NOTE: I do not use the term "problem child." Value your child; devalue bad behavior; encourage good behavior.

We can learn this from God's unconditional love, who loves the sinner and hates the sin. Discipline is administered out of love for the person and hatred for the misbehaving.
First, we need to take inventory of ourselves.

· What are the contributing contexts for the problem behavior?

Sometimes parents are contributing factors through permissiveness or neglect or authoritarianism.

Sometimes we haven't given the proper instruction, structure, or accountability for the child to behave properly.

Sometimes rules are too hard to follow and misbehaving is not a direct disobedience.

Sometimes our husband and wife relationship does not create a sense of security and peace, or it is so fragile that the children misbehave out of fear and insecurity. (Children know when there are problems in the home.)

Second, when problem behavior occurs, we need to deal decisively when it occurs. Waiting until later lends itself to losing its effectiveness.

Remember and remind yourself that the parents raise the children. Take control of the little people and in doing so, encourage their individuality, their creativeness, their self-value.

Hebrews 12:11: "All discipline for the moment seems to be not joyful but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness."

The most effective way to encourage good behavior in our children is for mom and dad to be in complete harmony; united in purpose and implementation.

Communicate your unity to your child, together.

When a child controls the parents, no one is content.

Discipline is what enables a child to be happy and content.

Good Family Rules

Behavior Reinforcement and Extinction