Transparency and Intimacy in Marriage

Marriage and Parenting Class
May 3, 1998

Recap:

Today, we're going to discuss the intimacy that is shared in a God-centered marriage.

Genesis 2:25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Sex is the most intimate of acts between two people.  It can be shared by a God-centered couple and godless couple alike.  It was designed by God as the ultimate act of intimacy, and in the context of God's intended design, the experience of intimacy goes beyond the delights of the flesh expressing a communion of souls.

No doubt: just about anyone can have sex. An improper relationship may indeed deliver sexual gratification - "The pleasures of sin are but for a time..." - but it is based in selfishness, which promotes isolation and strikes at the heart of unity.

The idea of the Genesis passage about Adam and Eve being naked and without shame goes beyond the absence of clothing.  Nakedness here means without cover, without protection, without guard, without secrets; totally exposed.

But the Bible tells us that Adam and Eve were without shame in their exposure:  The nakedness they experienced demonstrates a security in which each partner can be totally vulnerable and at the same time totally safe.

Some married couples are not completely comfortable with their mate, even after many years of marriage.  Perhaps feelings of inadequacy prevent one of you from completely trusting your mate.  Perhaps your mate has let you down.  Perhaps you have something against your mate, or something that you find difficult to accept.  Are you willing to be accepted as you really, truly are?  Are you willing to accept your mate as he or she really, and truly is?  What do you suppose unconditional love is like?

We'll give a term to this level of intimacy: transparency.

Transparency is a level of communication that leads to oneness.

The Benefits of Transparency

Being transparent with your mate has a number of benefits.

Transparency contributes to your self-understanding and leads to emotional maturity.

Accepting yourself as God sees you, (and as a God-centered husband or wife sees you), is believing God, and we acknowledge His truth!  If we do not accept ourselves as God sees us, we are in effect dishonoring God and denying His truth.  ("He doesn't know what he's talking about when he says he loves me.  He doesn't know the real me who is unlovable and untouchable.")

God does love us, just as we are. He finds beauty in us the way he created us.  And he wants to give His love to us, if we will accept it!

Transparency gives peace of mind.

Imagine being free of the "terrible toos;" voices that tell you you're too fat, too skinny, too ugly, too short, too tall!
Imagine hearing a voice that says that God approves of you just the way you are and imagine that being good enough for you!

Imagine believing your husband or wife when he or she approves of you just the way you are!

Transparency says, "I need you!"

Independence leads to isolation. Interdependence leads to unity.
Allow your spouse to complete you, not compete with you.

Transparency defeats isolation.

Transparency eliminates vain imaginations (misunderstanding your mate's motives).

Poor communication and poor relationships go hand-in-hand.  It creates a vacuum that gets filled with just about everything except what your spouse intends.

Open communication promotes the bonding and blending that leads to One flesh.

Becoming Transparent

What are you willing to do to establish transparency in your marriage?
What is the value of being totally accepted and being totally accepting?
Maybe you think it is too late, or too difficult.

Becoming transparent is a process.

Make a commitment to create an atmosphere in the home that promotes transparency.

Colossians 3:12-13  And so, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on the heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.

Demonstrate total acceptance for your mate.

1 John 4:8 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.

Demonstrate an attitude of constant forgiveness.

Ephesians 4:31-32  Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.  And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Expressing Intimacy

The man has the freedom to enjoy his wife's body and the woman has the freedom to enjoy her husband's body.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.  The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.  Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

You may get a laugh from this (I did) but there is the spiritual reality of mutual ownership of each other because we gave ourselves to our mates in our wedding vows.

Song of Solomon 7:1-9 How beautiful are your feet in sandals, O Prince's daughter!  The curves of your hips are like jewels, the work of the hands of an artist.  Your navel is like a round goblet which never lacks mixed wine; your belly is like a heap of wheat fenced about with lilies.  Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle.  Your neck is like a tower of ivory, your eyes like the pools in Heshbon by the gate of Bath-rabbim; your nose is like the tower of Lebanon, which faces toward Damascus.  Your head crowns you like Carmel, and the flowing locks of your head are like purple threads; the king is captivated by your tresses.  How beautiful and delightful you are, my love, with all your charms!  Your stature is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters.  I said, "I will climb the palm tree, I will take hold of its fruit stalks."  Oh, may your breasts be like the cluster of the vine, and the fragrance of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine!  It goes down smoothly for my beloved, and gently through the lips of those who fall asleep.

Song of Solomon 5:10-16 My beloved is dazzling and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand.  His head is like gold, pure gold; his locks are like clusters of dates, and black as a raven.  His eyes are like doves, beside streams of water, bathed in milk, and reposed in their setting.  His cheeks are like a bed of balsam, banks of sweet-scented herbs; his lips are lilies, dripping with liquid myrrh.  His hands are rods of gold set with beryl; his abdomen is carved ivory inlaid with sapphires.  His legs are pillars of alabaster set on pedestals of pure gold; his appearance is like Lebanon, choice as the cedars.  His mouth is full of sweetness.  And he is wholly desirable.  This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem.

God intends sex to be an intimate means of communicating oneness.
Intercourse literally means communication.  Sexual intercourse is communicating sexually just as social intercourse is communicating verbally and socially.
God designed the intercourse between a husband and wife for them to know each other, without barrier, without cover, without secrets; totally exposed and open to each other.

Sex in a One Flesh marriage transcends the act; it communicates in three dimensions: spirit, soul, and body.  It communicates a message of giving, of acceptance, or sharing, of passion.  It was designed to be a process of communication that enables the body to express love from the spirit and soul.

Sex is a thermometer that measures the "total person" communication.  Just as self-serving sex lacks the fulfillment of God's design, a lack of sex between a married couple makes their unity incomplete.

There are several things that can affect sex, contributing to isolation and detracting from unity:

Sex is affected by our spiritual life.

Blockage in our relationship with God affects our relationship with our mate, which in turn limits our sexual fulfillment.  Carnal Christians are self-oriented and often do not respond properly to their mate.  Fellowship with God is the key element to a fulfilling relationship with our mate.

Sex is affected by our mind.

Blockage in our minds from incorrect information limits our sexual fulfillment.  Incorrect information comes from many sources, including the following:

Sex is affected by our emotions

Blockage in our emotional life due to trauma in our emotional development limits our sexual fulfillment. We must release the emotional blockage to allow freedom of expression. Releasing emotional blockage involves confessing bitterness and seeking forgiveness from God and mate.

We must improve our communication skills by knowing our emotions and learning to express them.

(In case of severe blockage, it may be helpful to seek professional counsel.)

Sex is affected by our wills.

Blockage due to our own selfish choices can limit our sexual fulfillment.  Our wills make submissiveness very difficult.  We can also use sex as a weapon.

We need to use our wills to commit to a mutually rewarding sex life.

Next Week:

Barriers to Transparency
Communicating
Fighting Fair (dealing with inevitable conflict as One Flesh)