Recap:
· Keywords and phrases: unity, isolation, One
Flesh, authority, and submission
· Nakedness means being completely exposed; vulnerable.
· Transparency means being "naked but not ashamed."
· Becoming transparent is a process.
· Sex is a thermometer that measures the "total person" communication.
· There is the spiritual reality of mutual ownership of each
other because we gave ourselves to our mates in our wedding vows.
· Become a student of your mate.
What is the value of being totally accepted and being totally accepting? What are you willing to do to achieve this in your marriage?
What do you suppose unconditional love is like? That is exactly what God calls us to give to our mates.
The Bible encourages transparency but also cautions against too much.
How can we tell when transparency is appropriate or inappropriate?
1. Cliché - a non-sharing communication that allows one
to remain safely isolated and alone. It is most often restricted
to greetings and comments which express no opinions, feelings, or real
information. This communication is used with a wide variety and number
of people, has very little transparency, and very little trust, commitment,
or friendship.
2. Fact - a sharing communication of what you know that consists
of only objective discussion of the facts; gossiping or data analysis holds
other people at arm's length. This communication is used with a narrower
number of people than cliché communication but still demonstrates
little transparency, and very little trust, commitment, or friendship.
3. Opinion - a sharing communication of what you think
that is the beginning of opening a person up to others as you express what
you think. This communication involves fewer people than fact or cliché
and demonstrates some trust of the people with whom you share. It
also demonstrates some transparency as people begin to understand a little
more about you by what you tell them you think.
4. Emotion - a sharing communication of what you feel that involves
sharing feelings that lead to true communication. It involves likes
and dislikes, hopes and fears, aspirations and disappointments, joys and
sorrows, needs, dreams, failures, desires, stresses, sources of fulfillment,
discouragement and burdens. This communication demonstrates a higher
level of trust and friendship, exhibits a high degree of transparency,
and is shared with relatively few people.
5. Transparency - a sharing communication of who you are that
exposes the complete emotional and personal truth to another. It
is sharing your heart, or the core of your being. It demonstrates
the highest level of trust, friendship, and commitment.
· Transparency is not psychological nakedness; that is, sharing everything about yourself with everyone.
Proverbs 10:19 When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.
· Transparency is not verbal impulsiveness; saying what you feel when you feel it. I remember some teenagers I grew up with went through a time of being totally "honest" with everything to the point of telling you if they thought your clothes were ugly.
Proverbs 12:18 There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Proverbs 13:3 The one who guards his mouth preserves his life; the one who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.
· Transparency involves sharing your soul and body with someone who is committed to you: your husband, or your wife. It means being vulnerable to that person.
· Childhood programming can establish a pattern of suppression and repression of emotions.
Sometimes we have to learn how to become appropriately physically demonstrative. Perhaps it was never taught to us in our homes where we grew up. Perhaps we were victims of inappropriate behaviors that inhibit us from experiencing transparent intimacy. We must try to unlearn these patterns and open ourselves to be taught new patterns of God's love, expressed through a loving husband, or a loving wife.
· A poor self-image can cause a person to fear rejection.
There is a story of a woman with an operable brain tumor. The surgery was successful except that removing the tumor also severed the nerves to one side of her face, which hung lifeless in an almost clownlike fashion. The husband met with his wife while she was recovering and they were keenly aware of her limp side of her face. The husband said, "You know I think it is kind of cute." And he pursed his lips in a misshapen form to try an match hers and kissed her.
Love has an attraction that is undeterred by cosmetic changes. We have a difficult time accepting ourselves and we impact those who accept us for ourselves by isolation and creating barriers around us.
Transparency is becoming vulnerable in a safe environment. Do you create a safe environment so your spouse can be vulnerable with you?
· A false concept of pseudo-manhood and pride prevent men from sharing their feelings.
While I am not much of a proponent of over-emotionalism, it is a fair statement to acknowledge that men have emotions. Many men find it difficult to talk about their emotions. Giving of yourself also involves sharing your feelings with your wife.
If you are not very comfortable in sharing your feelings and emotions with your wife, commit to doing so as an act of worship; that is, dedicate the act to God to be the husband that the Bible models for us.
James 5:16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.
· Bottled up hostility may use silence as a weapon.
Silence causes isolation, and defeats unity. Bitterness is a barrier that is like a deep-rooted dandelion. You must eradicate it root and all or it grows up anew.
· Bottled up hostility feeds a critical spirit
Do you have something left unforgiven in your marriage? You need to clear the air and make a fresh start?
· The way you approach conflict determines whether conflict will develop a closer bond of oneness or a greater rift of isolation.
Resolving a conflict requires a willingness to come to a point of action:
· Agree on a point of resolution.Agreeing to act on a solution diffuses conflict and builds trust and unity.
· Agree to disagree agreeably.
· Agree to reschedule the conflict.
· The goal of conflict should be better understanding rather than victory.
It is good to be right. Giving in to achieve peace only bottles up the hostility and leads to isolation; not unity. However, if right is delivered without love, it is as good as wrong. Let love rule your words.
1 Timothy 1:5 But the goal of your instruction is love from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.
· Conflict must be resolved to preserve oneness in marriage.
Let’s say that we’re all in agreement about the principles of resolving conflict but still find ourselves time and again in conflict. The way we communicate to each other can make the difference. Failure to communicate is the Number One cause of unhappiness in marriage. It does not only mean not talking with each other; communicating negatively in any of these ways is a failure of communication. What may be perfectly clear and sensible to you is just plain harebrained to your spouse
(I ran out of time for this lesson so it was continued the following
week.)
Next Week: Communicating with Your Mate