Communicating with Your Mate

Marriage and Parenting Class
May 17, 1998

Recap:
What is the value of being totally accepted and being totally accepting? What are you willing to do to achieve this in your marriage? What do you suppose unconditional love is like?
· Conflict must be resolved to preserve oneness in marriage.
· The way you approach conflict determines whether conflict will develop a closer oneness or a greater isolation.
· The goal of conflict should be better understanding rather than victory.

Communication

There are several ways we communicate: verbally, physically, and emotionally. Let's identify the communication killers that foster isolation and division so that we can then understand how to deal with them to promote harmony and unity.

Verbal Communication Killers

· Attack words and accusations
An accusation passes judgment on your mate. "It's your fault we're in this mess!" "You did that to embarrass me!" These kinds of comments make the other person immediately defensive. Defensive and offensive posturing is the last thing you want; you're supposed to be on the same team, not opposite sides.

· Demeaning comments
"I might have expected as much from you." This takes a notch out of your mate and is a sure way to drive a wedge between you.

· Sarcasm
Little jokes and jabs with an edge can be more hurtful than coming out and saying what you think (not that I am advocating this, if your thoughts are destructive). I grew up in a family of sharp-tongued people and it isn't easy to sheath the sword. The Bible laments, "Who can tame the tongue?" Learn to control your tongue and you will be wise. Sarcasm is a destructive communication.

· Name-calling
There may be certain pet names that we know will irritate our mate. Try to eliminate these from your vocabulary.

· Silence
Silence-an underrated force, at times. Silence can be one of the deadliest killers of a relationship. Silence is sometimes used as a barrier not to enter into a sensitive discussion about In-laws, sex, money problems. It can be used to withdraw from the responsibilities of partnership. Refusal to talk about such sensitive things, as understandable as it is, has the effect of stopping the growth of the marriage in its tracks.

Many couples need the help of professional counselors to enter into some areas of sensitivity; the refusal to seek help is often the first step to "irreconcilable differences".

· Rationalization
Excusing what you said or did dodges responsibility, which in turn short-circuits open dialog between mates. Admitting error - owning responsibility - removes barriers and enables transparency.

· Correction
"No, it was mid-November, not early December." This is "majoring on the
minors." It avoids the issue by focusing on minutia.

"I told you so," is a real good thing to endear yourself to your mate. NOT! Don’t treat your spouse like a child (even when they might act like one!).Treat your mate with respect at all times.

· Excessive Talking (noise)
Dominating a conversation is not a conversation-its a lecture. It kills the opportunity to listen. Dialog is a give and take; speaking and listening. Some people's idea of listening is pausing long enough to formulate the next line of argument. Jumping to finish your spouse's sentence is another annoyance.

· Other

· Using obtuse words as a dominance technique (one I employ myself, at times; language is a power weapon or tool.)
· Changing the subject.
· Monotone dialog communicating disinterest or indifference.
· Uncontrolled yelling or nagging
· Using absolutes like "You'll never..." or "You always..."

With such an arsenal at our disposal, how will we ever survive a marriage? Half of the world doesn't! Some of us who do survive the marriage relationship barely survive it. God designed marriage to be rich and fulfilling.

Non-Verbal Communication Killers

But wait! Verbal communication is still only part of the arsenal.

· Facial expressions
Pretending not to hear, pretending to sleep with the other is trying to talk to you, putting on false expressions like smiling when you are really hurting, are all nonverbal communication killers.

· Avoiding eye contact
Avoiding eye contact is a barrier to communication. The eyes can tell a lot about what a person is thinking.

· Avoiding physical contact
Your refusal to touch or allow yourself to be touched during a conflict will be a hindrance to the resolution of the conflict. (Mechanical touches diminish your relationship. Your touches must clearly be sincere.)

Developing Good Communication Skills

People often think of communication as talking and listening, but this isn’t quite accurate. Communication (a) starts in one person’s mind, it (b) comes out of the mouth, and through the ear and (c) interpreted in the mind of the listener.

People often have trouble saying what they mean. Maybe they can’t find the words, or maybe they are not sure what they mean to say. What comes out is a message that’s just not quite what they would like to express and they hope that you can fill in the missing pieces.

What happens next is that you get an incomplete picture sent to you, which you attempt to process. As you process it, you have filters and preconceptions and biases, so what appears in your mind is something even more removed from your partner’s intent.
What you can do as a communicator is to practice expressing your ideas better. Build your vocabulary to more accurately reflect what you feel.

But communicating, as we all know, is a two-way street and listening is the more critical skill, and the one we use the least! Many conflicts are often the result of an unwillingness to listen rather than the inability to communicate.
James 1:19b Let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and show to anger.

Poor Listening Skills

· Pseudo-listening fakes interest
· Selective listening tunes in only for points of interest
· Protective listening doesn't hear any threatening messages.
· Surface listening catches only shallow portions of the message

Developing Good Listening Skills

Remember that the goal of communication is understanding. Focus on:
· The message content rather than the method of delivery.
· The meaning rather than the words.
· Clarification of valid points rather than defense of incorrect accusations.
· Questions rather than indictments.
· Understanding rather than judgment.

Proper listening skills have the following attitudes:
· The other person’s comments are important.
· You accept the other person
· You are willing to understand a different perspective
· You desire clarification where needed.
· God is sovereign in your marriage and that you may benefit from what your mate is trying to communicate.
· Have an attitude that your mate is not your enemy.

Problem solving

1. Search for the other person’s core message.
2. State your understanding of the other person’s feelings or thoughts. "You feel that I put you into an uncomfortable position with our friends."
3. Look for a "yes". If you don’t get one, go back to step 1 until you get a yes. "No. It has nothing to do with our friends." "Oh, so you feel that I made you look stupid by what I said." "Yes. What you said hurt me."
4. When you get a "yes" to your reflected understanding of what your partner said, then and only then have you communicated properly. When you both understand the same thing, you can work to resolve the issue.
"I’m sorry. I really didn’t intend to make you look stupid."
"I’m sorry. It was inconsiderate of me. Will you forgive me?"

Before you begin to try to resolve a bigger issue, take the time to double check the real needs. Take the time to restate the issue because it may be that one of you have thought of something else. The goal is to move towards complete transparency with your mate by removing all barriers.
· You should list as many alternatives for resolving the issue as possible.
· Then you can more clearly decide on a solution: together.
· Sometimes you may have to agree to disagree, and disagree agreeably (amiably)
· Sometimes the time or location is not proper and it is fair to agree on rescheduling, as long as it is not simply an avoidance tactic. The Bible tells us not to let the sun go down on our wrath. In other words, deal with a problem promptly!

Positive Verbal Communication

Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful in building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
· You accomplish much with positive language. Build up; don't tear down. Be an encourager! Practice encouraging other people! Look for admirable qualities in people and tell them! People like to be affirmed! It is an easy, wholesome, healthy, happy thing to give to others!
· Take the initiative to disarm yourself of weapons and refuse to pick them up. A soft answer turneth away wrath. Do not raise your voice and try not to be drawn into raising your voice.
· Ask what the purpose of the conflict is. Too often, tempers flare over things like a bad night's sleep (grumpiness) and little things blow way out of proportion. When an argument gets out of hand, it is not out of line to say, "Wait a minute. What's the issue, here, anyway?"
· Criticism, negativity, nagging, sarcasm, hurtful language are like knives that cut deep. Perhaps your intent is honestly to attempt to improve your spouse or child, If this is truly your intent, stop to consider the words you are using, and the tone of voice you use. How does a response of love differ from a response of anger?

Positive Physical Communication:

· Sit down together, not apart. Let your bodies tell each other that you are attacking the problem and not each other. If possible, face each other, hold hands, and look each other in the eyes. With such close contact, tempers might be held in check; conflict is held to a minimum.

· Touch and allow yourself to be touched. Don't shrink away! The power of touch can melt many a spat in a moment!

Positive Emotional Communication:

Check the setting.
· Recognize that you and your mate are on the same side. You are disagreeing about an issue but issues are not relationships, and your relationship to your spouse comes before any issue about sex, money or In-Laws.

· Forgive the past. This goes along with the one I just used. This is not simply not using the past. Forgiveness is an act of the will; it must be done, not simply understood between you. How many times must I forgive? How much should you love?

· See what other pressures may be influencing you or your spouse. Sometimes, what you think you're bickering about isn't the issue at all.

· Look at the location and surroundings. Is your spouse uncomfortable where you are? Why? Be sensitive!

Next Week:
Prelude to Good Parenting