Prelude to Good Parenting

Marriage and Parenting Class
May 24, 1998

Recap of last week:
Communication (a) starts in one person’s mind, it (b) comes out of the mouth, and through the ear and (c) interpreted in the mind of the listener.

Communicating to Understanding:

1. Search for the other person’s core message.
2. State your understanding of the other person’s feelings or thoughts.
3. Look for a "yes". If you don’t get one, go back to step 1 until you get a yes.
4. When you get a "yes" to what you have reflected back to the other person, then (and only then) have you communicated properly. When you both understand the same thing, you can work to resolve the issue.

But some of you might be thinking that this is all classroom talk; not real in the world you live in. It is true that communication has more facets to it than we have already discussed. Some of the factors we have to overcome to communicate to understanding include the general ways the genders approach things, and also temperament types.

The following table shows several categories of gender differences. Anyone care to comment on how these affect communication?

	Men	Women
Orientation	Physical Compartmentalized Physical oneness Variety Sex is a high priority	Relational Wholistic Emotional oneness Security Other priorities may be higher
Stimulation	Sight Smell Body-centered	Touch Attitudes Actions Words Person-centered
Needs	Respect Admiration Physically needed Not to be put down	Understanding Love Emotionally needed Time
Sexual Response	Acyclical Quick excitement Initiates (usually) Difficult to distract	Cyclical Slower excitement Responder (usually) Easily distracted

Next week, we'll be starting the section on Parenting. But before we do, will you tell me why it was so important to discuss the marriage relationship before talking about parenting?

Unity is essential to good parenting.

What are the effect on children when the parents are not in unity? How does not being in unity hurt your children? How does being in unity help your children?
Are you in unity with your husband/wife?
Do you want to raise your children to be like you? Whether good or bad, you will have the greatest influence on your children.

Transparency is essential to unity.

Are you transparent with your mate? What barriers exist to transparency? The inability to forgive? The inability to see yourself as God sees you? Past hurts?
My father spoke to me one day and said that his parents were not perfect, and there were things he remembers about his parents that hurt him. "But," he said, "there comes a time in a man's life when he has to forgive his parents for the perceived wrongs. And I know I haven't been the perfect father. And you'll have to deal with it and hopefully forgive me for it, as your children will deal with your imperfection and hopefully forgive you."

My father's words to me were liberating because, even though I honor my parents, there were incidences that I can remember with feelings of hurt associated with them-and the truth that he spoke enabled me to forgive those incidences. Before, I didn't know how to deal with them; I simply repressed them.
Forgiveness is liberating because it sweeps the dirt out the door and enables us to begin the task of improving and learning from the experiences we grew up with.
I realize that some of us grew up in less fortunate, perhaps abusive, familial surroundings. Having an abusive parent can emotionally cripple someone; their vision of God is distorted, among other things.
Forgiveness does not erase the hurt one feels, but it releases it for God to deal with. We hold on to hurts (call it carrying a grudge) as if it was personal property. Forgiveness is an act of the will and not an act of emotion.
By forgiving our parents for their mistakes, we begin parenting with a clean slate and understanding of our frailties.

Submission is essential to transparency.

Submission is granted by our power of decision. We are to submit to one another and we are to submit to God.

Love is essential to submission.

Love is a decision and a commitment.
1 John 4:8 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.

So let me come at my point another way: how much are your children worth to you?
What would you be willing to do to prepare them for life in the best way possible?
· Would you be willing to forgive the past, because it will affect your children.
· Would you be willing to love your spouse as you ought, because how you treat your spouse will affect how your children will relate to others.
· Would you be willing to submit to God and give Him the barriers to transparency? The weapons?
· Would you be willing to give your children over to God, if you realized that it means submitting yourself to God first?

"Good kids" that come from a healthy non-dysfunctional home are not fantasies and
not unattainable and are not only for the people who don't have "baggage." The healthy home environment comes when you deal with your own issues "face to face," "forgive them," and "forge ahead."

A home is healthy because Dad and Mom are submitted to God; they are in love and demonstrate that love; the children see a healthy whole relationship modeled. Love drives all their decisions.

Next Week:
Parenting Styles