In our last class, we spent time filling out the Myers-Briggs Temperament Indicator (MBTI) sorter. Hopefully, you have all read the temperaments that I gave you based on your scoring of the MBTI. Understanding yourself, the motivations and drives you have, is the first step toward understanding your mate and your children.
The reason some people react the way they do has very little to do with disrespect, disobedience, or disregard and more with the way they perceive the world. We do not all see the same thing in the same way.
The MBTI spit out a lot of alphabet soup and I want to spend time this class to explain what all the letters are about. On the MBTI there were four columns of opposing temperament components:
Extroversion versus Introversion (E vs. I)
Sensation versus Intuition (S vs. N)
Thinking versus Feeling (T vs. F)
Judging versus Perceiving (J vs. P)
(The two first question people have is why Intuition is N and does judging mean judgmental? The answer to the first is "to distinguish it from Introversion" and to the second. "no, judging is different than being judgmental.")
Everyone has some of every component. No one is all thinking and no feeling (even with a score of 20 to 0). However, your scores in each of the columns show a tendency and intensity for one or the other, just as some of us have more strength in our right hands (right-handedness) than we do in our left.
Some of us will have scored equally in the opposing temperament columns. These people have both equally, like someone who is ambidextrous (a switch hitter for example). In such cases, you will have to read a combination of temperaments for a clearer picture of your unique temperament.
And that's something I want to stress: you are unique, despite the 4 major classifications and the 16 subclassifications of temperament. You will make your own choices. What the MBTI may be able to tell you is the sorts of things and attitudes that shape your choices.
The difference between the E and I components is not as important a distinction as the other categories (as seen in that it only gets 10 questions), but what is important for we majority extroverts to understand is that we can sometimes do damage to our introverted children by forcing extroverted behavior (which may result in the child withdrawing rather than the intended drawing out). Lots of encouragement and personal (one-on-one) interaction does an introvert much good.
Does the child show hesitation in approaching unfamiliar visitor,
teacher, or game?
Or does the child approach a visitor, teacher, or game quickly and
actively without apparent reserve?
The extroverted (E) child is usually better understood and relates well and easily with others. The extroverted child is usually ready to enter into group activities, to accept ideas of others, without having to "warm up." The extroverted child is more tolerant to negative contacts and may provoke ridicule and criticism rather than allow neglect from significant adults. The extroverted child is usually in line with public opinion and is on the side of the majority on almost any issue that arises.
The introverted (I) child is apt to be slower in responsiveness, musing over an idea or object, seeming to absorb its qualities before communicating a reaction. The introverted child reserves from "public view" those aspects of his temperament which are in the process of development. Sometimes this means that the introvert is a puzzle to those around him. The introverted child is most often misunderstood and pressured to change (they are outnumbered 3 to 1).
The Ns are understood in terms of sensitivity/insensitivity and awareness/unawareness.
The Ss are understood in terms of happiness/sadness and optimism/pessimism.
The "sensible" person wants facts, believes in experience, described as
grounded firmly in reality. They focus on what actually happened rather
than worrying about what might have been or what might be in the future.
This differs from the "intuitive" who, when entering a situation, seems
to scan, glance, radiate at things and people, at times aware only of that
which is related to his current preoccupation, missing details noted by
the sensible.
The kind of language that inspires the intuitive has no ring to the
sensible. The N finds appeal in metaphor, imagery, daydreams, poetry,
fantasy, and fiction...he lives in anticipation and is somewhat bothered
with reality, looking to change or improve the actual.
Does the child daydream frequently and seem hungry for fantastic tales, even wanting them repeated over and over? Or is the child more bent on action, getting involved in games and liking more factual stories?
The intuitive (N) child is apt to ask for a repetition of stories...more than not, fantasies and metaphoric stories. Because of their very low frequency of occurrence, the extreme intuitive (especially an introverted one) is like to feel like an ugly duckling. If a promise is made to an N child, breaking that promise would be a tragic occurrence. The N child may be difficult to handle because he always seems to have a core of "being his own person" which adults sometimes find objectionable and offensive. He may seem opinionated to others (the NT in particular) and he often is very certain that he knows; at the same time, he cannot justify his convictions to others' satisfaction when questioned. The N child, therefore, can find himself accused of willful guessing and attempting to have knowledge that is not his. When the [creative] N child is engaged in chores or lessons, he may lapse into trances, causing his mentors to correct or even nag at him for dawdling.
In his friendships, the N child may display passionate devotion...If the N child's trust is violated, he is apt to suffer deeply. And if the N child is motivated by negative feelings, such as a thirst for revenge, he can put his finger in his victim's most vulnerable spot. Thus a hated teacher can find himself embarrassed and humiliated by an N child, yet [the teacher will be] confused and helpless to deal with the situation. Both teachers and parents of N children (especially introverted Ns) have in their care an extremely vulnerable self-conception.
The sensation (S) child is apt to enjoy the sequential adventure
story about the familiar and factual, wanting the story to have action
and to make sense...with lots of detail and usually prefers new to repeated
stories. The S child is likely to be found playing games or
other activity, abandoning storytime for action. If a promise is made
to an S child, that child is apt to take the change in plans in stride.
When a visitor comes to the home, the S child is likely to choose just the right moment to give small attention to mother-a caress or some other delightful performance. The S child respond to details, noting vividness and variety of details. He is apt to enjoy coloring books, or example, and pay attention to the details of work books. Toys are more likely to retain their character for an S child. A truck remains a truck, to be used to move dirt, or run up and down a road. For the N child, a toy truck might well be turned into a submarine or a deep sea monster, animated with the capacity to fly.
60% of the thinkers are male; 60% of the feelers are females and culture is possibly considered to sanction this skew in the population. The T and F components are the ones that are best complementary (while the others are more opposing).
Misunderstanding can occur when the T or F person is expected to make a decision in the unnatural way; they way they are not comfortable. For example, an F wife may insist that her T husband "let his feelings show" while he might wish she would "be logical for once!" Emotions are as intense on both sides of the aisle with F people being more visible; T people are described as cold and unemotional, being sometimes embarrassed by a show of intense emotion.
When asked to obey in a situation he does not quite understand, does the child tend to ask for reasons or does the child tend to seek to please?
The child who prefers the "thinking" way (T) is likely to want reasons for being asked to do something, while the child who prefers the "feeling" way (F) is apt to want to know that he is pleasing the other person by his obedience.
The F child tends to be more aware of [others'] physical and social comfort or discomfort. The F child is apt to provide small services for his parents or teachers and needs to know that these services are recognized and appreciated. The F child is most sensitive to the emotional climate of his home, perhaps becoming physically ill is subjected to constant conflict and insecurity. The F child is apt to enjoy listening to adults discuss family and neighborhood happenings, while the T child would soon turn to other activities. The F child is likely to show facial mobility and to verbalize reactions...responds easily to expression of physical affection...is more likely to cry more easily than the T child...
The T child seems more capable of detaching himself from unfavorable emotional climates, even being blithely unaware of distress of those around him. The T child is likely to ask for objective explanations for everything and is also as likely to be dismayed and impatient with such answers as, "Because I said so!" The F child is more likely to accept the "because" answer, and, although not content, apt to go on about his business as if his questions had been answered. The T child is likely to block off facial expressions of emotion in crisis...may not want to be touched and may have difficulty in approaching a parent with affection...apt not to display a reaction when scolded or punished.
Although the F child seems more vulnerable than the T child to the approval or disapproval of a parent or teacher, this is usually mere appearance. The T child only seems indifferent and unresponsive. Inside, he may be hurting just as much as the more expressive F child.
Person who prefer closure over open options are likely to be judging types; preferring open options are likely to be perceiving types. Js tend to make deadlines and take them seriously; Ps tend to look at deadlines as alarm clocks with snooze buttons.
Does the child seem to want things settled, decided, chosen? Or does the child want to be surprised and have choices at all times?
The judging (J) child wants things established and in order. The J child is likely to be ready for school on time, to worry about being late, and tends to have his closets and drawers neat and orderly. The J child is apt to run the activities of the neighborhood (especially extroverted Js).
The perceiving (P) child may seem unconcerned about whether or not he is on time for class. He may have to jumble through his closet and make a rat's nest of his dresser drawers-and has difficulty understanding why this causes his mother discomfort. The P child may have to be reminded to get dressed, to come to dinner, to take out the trash, to do his homework, and so on.
The J child usually seems more sure of himself than does the P child
and more inclined to make "for sure" statements. The P child may be more
tentative in his speech patterns and may qualify his statements more often.
The NF child needs and seeks recognition that he is valued by those around him, and he needs that reassurance each and every day.
The NF child can make up stories and recount them with vivid imagery.
At times, he may be accused of lying when he is only exercising his imagination.
NFs are likely to daydream a lot, especially introverted ones.
The NF is hypersensitive emotionally to rejection and to conflict.
He needs the assurance that those around him are in harmony.
The NF engages in often deep identification of characters in stories,
especially fairy tales. Some caution should be exercised in monitoring
the reading material of the NF child, who can easily be over-stimulated
by the vivid imagery he is likely to experience when he is reading stories
of dragons, witches, ogres, slayings, and so on.
NF children are apt to enjoy "people" toys; dolls to which they can
attach a personality. These treasured toys become a part of the NFs
life. A lost toy friend is a real tragedy to the NF child.
The NF child is apt to be hypersensitive to another person's feelings, tending to suffer with the loser, even if he is the winner of the competition. Cooperative games and competition against himself are more likely to attract the NF child and be more healthy.
NFs thrive on an abundance of personalized attention and do not respond to physical punishment. He needs the security of well-established routines but those which permit frequent interaction between adults and other children. He is not really comfortable in large groups where instruction is not individualized.
NF children are likely to be caused distress by a teacher who uses ridicule or seems to reject them personally. In fact, the NF reacts to any rejection of any student, and generally feels worse than the actual recipient of the rejection.
Promises are important to an NF. Broken promises are felt deeply and the NF child may develop physical symptom (such as an eating disorder). However, he flourishes in an atmosphere of love and harmony.
The NF child is usually pleasant and agreeable and wants to please.
When he gives a creative product, he gives from the heart; the slightest
rejection is apt to devastate him out of proportion to the degree of rejection.
An NF may have difficulty handling anger in himself and in others.
He is repelled by ugliness, and turns away in disgust.
Usually rather independent, the NT child can often be also a non-conformist, although he also tends to be obedient and compliant in matter to which he is indifferent. Because of the statistical unlikelihood of an NT child having an NT parent, he often experiences rejection. NTs have reported childhood experiences as "I thought I was the only person who was like me. When I was growing up, no one seemed to see things the way I did, until I got to college."
The NT child is apt to keep at a parent with "Why?" questions such as "Why does the sun come up over there and not over here?" NTs have a curiosity lust and they explore many things to find out.
The NT child should be provided with a variety of toys (only a few at a time). He is likely to be deeply involved with a new toy, playing with it for hours, contemplating its properties, then abandoning it and seldom showing interest in it again. After the toy is understood, he no longer has interest.
Parenting the NT mainly means: hands off. Shutting off experimental behavior is likely to cause the NT child to engage in disobedient and disruptive behaviors, whether openly or covertly.
The NT responds well to verbal, logical, well-reasoned dialogue. Once he understand the reason for a situation, the NT child usually accepts it and goes along with whatever accommodations are necessary.
He can be detached in his reactions to his mentor's reprimands, and he will quickly lose respect for those whose reprimands are not warranted or logical. He is devastated by ridicule and sarcasm concerning ability. Seldom does an NT child respond well to negative criticism. Because of his early interest in technology, well-meaning parents and teachers may ask the NT child to perform that which is beyond him. Failure causes the NT child to retreat. Helping him when he needs help, patient answers to almost endless questions, giving him appropriate play materials in the appropriate number, and giving him room to develop his own answers permits the NT child to grow up nurtured and encouraged.
Physical punishment is deeply violating to the NT child and is always unwise. He may resent such unjust (in his eyes) assault bitterly over a long period of time. Dignity is usually important to an NT child and they are often described as "prideful." Somehow, others often find this offensive as a personal affront which often is a challenge to "bring the NT off of his high horse."
It is very important to an NT that others see him as competent. He may begin to believe himself to be incompetent if he once got straight As but cannot continue to achieve this grade. He can be a big fish in a small high school pond. But when college changes the competitive scholastic landscape, he may react by giving up his scholastic efforts, or by giving erratic attention to a few studies, succeeding brilliantly in some and failing ignominiously in others.
Social interactions are somewhat of a mystery to NTs. The NT child does not develop the winning ways; the SP does with bubbly, happy-go-lucky cheerfulness; the SJ does with his thoughtful gestures of service; the NF does with an appreciation of adult and child personalities. The introverted NT does not display any of these, unable or reluctant to express affection, seeming to have a shell around him.
Family rituals and ceremonies are not usually appealing to the NT, unless he sees that they are important to other people. He may sometimes keep his room very organized and at other times very messy. In apparent disorder, the NT child is likely to know where each and every treasure is placed.
The NT child is impatient with repetitious direction; the SJ child enjoys detailed directions; the SP is not apt to pay much attention; the NF tends to erase distinctions in directions (and should be given both oral and written directions).
The SJ child is most vulnerable to family instability. ... The SJ child needs to be raised with friends who grow up with him; he needs the same neighborhood, school system, and community. He thrives on relating to his extended family. He is apt to enjoy having routines and usually responds to the assignment of specific responsibilities.
Feedback is vital and if adult approval is not forthcoming, a task may lose its appeal. The SJ child also responds to negative criticism and scolding which will cause him to try all the more. More than the other three groups, the SJ child responds to physical punishment as a means to correction.
In School, the SJ child is likely to try and please the teacher, rarely questioning the reasons for a lesson (like an NT child). He enjoys clerical skill practice, such as arithmetic, reading aloud, and spelling. As a learner, he usually responds better by being shown a new skill in step-by-step order, and by being asked to demonstrate what he has learned in small increments. Programmed learning materials seem more likely to be attractive to an SJ child; the SP child wants more action; the NF child wants more human interaction; the NT child wants less redundancy. The SJ takes report cards seriously; the SP is likely to forget to take his home; the NT views his as a curiosity because he already continuously sits in judgment of his own performance; the NF sees it as a personal judgment on him.
The SJ Child requires constant feedback and being right or wrong is important because he wants to do it the "right way." He responds well to praise such as "You are a good boy/girl." "You did that just the way I wanted." "Your work is very neat." "You have very good handwriting."
Toys are apt to be arranged in order on the shelf. Home crafts appeal to the SJ. A gift of handiwork from an SJ is from the heart and is to be appreciated, treasured and prominently displayed.
If the SP child is so inclined, he can get involved in an activity that captures his attention for hours on end. He can...do whatever...for hours only to lose interest in it the next day. For those who do not lose interest, they go on to become performing artists, the outstanding graphic and plastic artists, the outstanding artisans of all kinds. The SP child needs movement and excitement, enjoys activities, and he hungers for contest.
Given frequent change, and some excitement, the SP child is cheerful
in the classroom. He brings fun and laughter, whether this reaction is
appropriate or not. The SP usually does well in kindergarten due to the
curriculum consisting of activities of playing with objects. But as he
moves through the grades and the work becomes more and more a matter of
preparation, acquiring rules and facts through reading and writing, he
becomes disinterested.
The SP wants to learn by doing and experiencing, not by routine preparation,
so the SP often turns to activities of his own initiation. These often
take the form of a disruption of class routines or increased absenteeism.
The SP appears to be flighty, jumping from one thing to another, disinterested in completion. The more game-like the task, the better. The SP can easily become restless, jittery, bored, and engaged in random action to such an extent as to be labeled "hyperactive" by foolish school and medical personnel. On the other hand he can become too excited...so as not to be able to easily calm him down.
It is important that the SP child be provided periods of quiet activities and training in relaxation. He needs the space in which he can move actively, but he also needs his own quiet space.
Attempting to change an SP in any fundamental way only leads to maladjustment. He is not an SJ, an NT, nor NF. His desire to perform supersedes his desire for responsibility, competency, and self-realization. An SP baby is likely to be active and unlikely to want to be confined to a playpen; he wants to be free to roam around. He is likely to enjoy animals (but is also likely to be rough with them). He is apt to be hard on his toys and clothes and should be given sturdy, well-made objects. Simple games are more likely to hold his attention rather than complicated ones.
SPs make excellent team players because they relate to people in a fraternal manner as opposed to a parental manner. He thrives on competition and contest. Equality is important to have, as is liberty. He likes to talk with others but he has the need to control his own activities.
To engage him one must entertain him. He does not learn well as a passive audience to explanations. He must be actively manipulating operating, or making something. Whenever possible it is good to get him excited and let him risk himself.
When an SP child is given feedback, this should be in terms of the SP's performance. Praise for the product of the activity would have more appeal to the SJ child. The SP is likely to feel good about himself and about those who have control over him if he is provided a great deal of room to move about and given many opportunities for action. Lecture-type presentations should be kept short, as should his reading activities. Quiet, solitary learning activities are best interspersed with opportunities for the child to be active in some area of personal interest. Frequent change from individual to small-group to large-group activities also may help overcome the SP's natural resistance. Dramatization (Sociodramas in the classroom) are apt to appeal to the SP.
This is not to imply that an SP child should not be given practice in concentration, delay, or in dealing with complexity. He must develop these capabilities, and the first step to this development is to legitimize his natural preferences and recognize that this type of child tends by nature to avoid complexities, owing to his impulsivity and his low tolerance for delay.
Next Week:
Parental Control