Subject: Warning: Editorial Flame-o-gram
Date:    Fri 10/15/99 10:00am

This is an editorial that some of you will not want to see because it
deals with separation and divorce.  Two of my good friends recently
torpedoed a 16-year marriage and I am pretty upset by it.  I know
there are people on this list, including my own family members, who
have endured the carnage of divorce, and the fact that they and people
in similar circumstances have emerged on the other side seems to be a
source of solace for those who feel it necessary to "do what is right
for them."  And I also know that some spouses have been the offended
ones and have not deserved the ravages that divorce has imposed upon
them.  But I want to "scream" and this is a way I scream.

"You gotta do what is right for you" is a phrase that is two words too
long, but right and wrong are irrelevant these days; at least as it
affects anyone but the self.

When the murder of a marriage is taking place, I call some of my
friends to check up on their marriages; something perhaps I should
have done for these particular friends of mine more often.  Marriages
require attention so the dust of neglect doesn't build up.  We lose
the shine little-by-little but the build-up of frustration and anger
accumulates to a point where someone thinks it is better to just chuck
the whole thing rather than attempting to repair it.

Marriage is cheap in many people's economies because the cost of
investment seems to outweigh the profit returned.  "It's not worth it;
it's too hard; too much is unforgiveable; I just don't want you
anymore."  "I have to think about ME for the first time in my life."
Marriage becomes reduced to the equation of "am *I* getting what *I*
want?"

Responsibilites crowd in and things become unbearable. But the
results of chucking a marriage doesn't diminish these pressures; it
complicates them; out of the frying pan and into the fire.  One
doesn't slip out of one reality into an alternate reality.  Divorce is
ruin; to spouse, to children, to friends, to finances, to career, and
to living.  Yeah, it takes work to maintain a marriage, and yeah, it
is easier to maintain a marriage than to rebuild a devastated one. I
do not understand how one goes from more than 15 years of "I love you"
to "I can't stand to breathe the same air you breathe" in just months.
How have we devalued the institution of marriage so that it is somehow
better to destroy things than try to recall and recapture the genuine
love two people once had?  We live in dispoable times.

Money does not replace a unified home. The least effect of money in a
divorce is that it doesn't go far when you have to support two
homes and child support. But most importantly, just about every child
I know would rather live in poor conditions than shuttle between "his"
and "her" homes, and become the object of a vicious tug-of-war. I have
seen too many times where the kids get used to exact revenge on an
ex-spouse; a selfish hatred that shreds a child's already evicerated
emotions.  Children in troubled and doomed marriage wish it is all a
bad dream; a very, very bad dream that will soon end and put things
back together, the way they were.  "Please God, make it all right again!"
But all the parents can see is what is "right for me" and not what is right.

Divorce forces friends to choose sides because kids aren't the
only tug-of-war victims to be affected.  It isn't simply about two
people with irreconcilable differences.  It touches *everyone* they
know like a cancer.

God is abandoned because He is not persuaded to agree with all the
reasons to separate, despite many rationalizations. Church becomes
uncomfortable because "those people" become "judgmental" and
"intolerant."  All of a sudden, elightenment means the exact opposite
of what you thought it meant.

If there is some glimmer of belief that isn't stamped out because
a moral compass is too painful to carry, the rationalization
of someday returning to grace is held out as some future hope - change
partners, continue with the game.  God does redeem a few people in such
circumstances, fortunately, but the spiritual difficulty most people
face in a divorce is with the presumption of grace and the lack of
a contrite heart.  (And they thought divorce was hard.)

Guard your marriages.  It is more than just important to avoid the
destruction I have noted here; marriage can be fulfilling, rewarding,
and provide true happiness every single day. I know!  Divorce is a
train wreck of twisted and mangled lives... and deaths. I hate it.

Mark
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